Torn
by Nobel Grace
Summary: Set in the 1500s. Susanna Simon is a regular girl who happens to meet the future King of England one day. As she goes through life Susanna is torn between choosing the one she loves or the one who will be able to take care of her.
1. Prologue

I sighed as the familiar morning sounds filled the air. I lifted my arms and let out a groan as I stretched. I blinked against the sunlight streaming in threw the lacy curtains and smiled. My whole body tingled and my mind was clear, yet still lost in last nights excitement. There was a knock at my door and I pulled the blankets up closer to my chin, to protect my dignity.

"Come in." I said and the big oak doors groaned as they opened. A girl at the age of maybe 16 walked into the room and bowed to the ground. When she looked up at me I was shocked at how much she resembled me. Her eyes were the same shade of green as mine, and her hair, though worn the same way as every lady in waiting, in a braided bun, was dark and shiny. I stared at this girl in wonder, completely forgetting myself and sitting up, placing my hands in my lap and staring at her.

"What's your name?" I asked her gently. Her hands were shaking and she looked down at the ground.

"Margret, Margret De Silva." As the words left her lips they struck me like a hot pan. I couldn't breath for there was a large rock lodged in my chest. I clasped onto the blankets and the room around me started to fade. All I could think of was him. How much time had past since we had seen each other? What had happened that made us grow apart? As the girl started talking to me I laid back onto my pillows, turned on my side and thought back to the beginning; back to my childhood.


	2. Becoming a Woman

"Susanna, wake up! For heaven's sake! You've been sleeping all morning and there's so much to do." My mother's shrill voice startled me from dreaming of running threw a field of tall grass. I was chasing something, but I didn't know what. The longer I ran, the more excited I became. I needed to catch it, but…she woke me up. I groaned and turned to my other side. "Come on honey! You need to start your chores or you'll be up late again tonight." I looked at the rock walls that built our entire house. The roof was made of wood, a new invention, and we got our own rooms. Well my younger brother, David and I shared this room, with one bed and one writing desk, where as Jacob and Bradley, my older brothers, had to share their own room, across the hall. "Susanna?" she coaxed again and I felt the bed sink slightly. I sighed and rolled over looking at my mother who was now seated on the edge of the bed.

Her dark curly hair was in a bun, which was then covered by a white linen cap to block the sun from her face when she was out in the fields. Her bright green eyes twinkled every time she smiled and she was very rarely angry with us. She had freckles on her nose and cheeks and tiny lines under here eyes. She smiled at me and brushed my dark hair out of my face. "Come on sweetheart wake up. I'll help you get your dress on." She said standing up and grabbing my dress from the back of chair close to the bed. I sighed and pushed back the covers. I slid out in my nightgown and she gasped.

"Oh no." She said putting a hand to her face.

"What?" I answered feeling my face go red. I looked down at my nightgown and it was covered with blood. I screamed and Momma jumped, covering my mouth.

"Shh honey. It's ok." She said stroking my hair and listening carefully. When there was quiet through out the house she let go of my mouth and there were tears in her eyes.

"Momma, what's wrong? Am I sick?" I asked, feeling tears in my own eyes.

"No honey. It's normal. You're becoming a woman now." She said and a single tear trickled down her cheek.

"Why are you crying?" I said wiping the tear away. "Are you sad?"

"A little. You're not my little baby anymore."

"David is the baby." I said as if she had forgotten.

"He is the youngest, yes. But you were my baby girl. I just realized that you are not a baby any more." She sighed and stood up straighter.

"I'm glad I'm not a baby any more Momma. I want to be big like Jacob and Bradley and get to stay up late and go to parties." I said smiling, as Momma pulled my bloody nightgown over my head carefully. She frowned at my nightgown and the thin sheets on my bed.

"You'll have to sleep in the barn for the rest of the week. Do you mind?" She said, gathering the sheets.

"Not at all. It's like having my own room." I said, blinking as a pain ran through my belly. I groaned and felt nauseous all of a sudden. Momma noticed and held onto my arms.

"Listen to me, I want you to wrap in this blanket, go down to the creek and wash yourself very carefully. Then you are to wrap this rag in your petticoat. Are you listening?" She said noticing that I wasn't paying any attention. I nodded my head and looked back at her. "Every hour or two you go back to creek and rinse out the rag, hang it to dry in the hay loft and use this other rag."

"Why?"

"So that you don't bleed on your clothes."

"But…why am I bleeding."

"Because you are a woman."

"Do you bleed Momma?"

"Of course, but it's a secret. Now hurry or your father will know that you are missing. I'll get your chores started for you and when you're done getting ready come to the kitchen. Understand?"

"Got it!" I said smiling brightly. She smiled at me and gently touched my face before leaving the room that I shared with my little brother David.

I sighed and pulled the blanket tighter to my body and quietly crept out the back door, holding onto my dress and the rags Momma had given me. I ran as fast as I could to the creek and walked along to an edge that was hidden by trees. I dipped a toe into the water and shivered. For May the water was still as cold as ice and getting clean in this water would be a disaster, but Momma told me to do it, so I must.

An hour later I was as clean as could be, fully dressed and I was folding up the blanket when the sound of laughter caught my attention. I looked around me but could see nothing. Then there was a loud splash from the other side of the shrubs. I ducked down and crept into the bushes, keeping as quiet as I could.

There in the creek were two boys, both around the same age. One boy had dark black hair and tanned skin; where as the other boy had blonde hair and pale skin, like me. The blonde boy was facing me so I got a good look of his face. He was a very good-looking boy. His eyes were dark and cheerful and his face was full though his body was thin. There were little red spots on his forehead and chin, which I remembered Jacob getting and Momma said that it was normal. The dark haired boy's back was towards me. All I could see were the way his muscles in his back moved when he caught and threw the ball. I was very intrigued. I moved closer and watched the boys. They were laughing and throwing was looked like a ball at each other.

"Come on Jess, you never noticed how big they were? Your face gets sucked into them every time she bends over to talk to you!" The blonde boy said and the dark haired boy chuckled.

"I don't really look at your mother that way."

"She's _not _my mother!" The blonde boy scowled and threw the ball. He threw the ball too hard and it passed by the boy called Jess and soared right into the bushes beside me. I panicked, seeing the dark haired boy head towards me I started to back out of the bushes, but my long tangled hair got stuck on a branch and the more I pulled the more the bush shook.

I shut my eyes tightly as the boy emerged from the water, and sat perfectly still.

"Oh, what do we have here?" He said, his voice practically laughing at me, yet I still refused to open my eyes.

"What is it Jess?" The blonde boy called.

"A damsel in distress." He called back. "Need some help?" He said and this time I looked up. His bright blue eyes caught gaze first and I couldn't help but look into them and wonder if his eyes were the only thing that colour. Then my gaze fell to his smile and white teeth. Having white teeth meant money so naturally his was noble. At 12 I wasn't stupid, I knew how I was supposed to act in front of nobility. I bowed my head and stared at my bare feet.

"No thank you sir." I said and tried to pull my hair out, not caring if it was creating more tangles. He chuckled and reached towards me.

"Here, let me…" He gently pulled my hair from the bush and places it on my shoulder. "All done."

"Thank you." I said, barely louder than a whisper.

"What are you whispering about over there?" The blonde boy called.

"This little girl got stuck in the bushes." The dark haired boy shouted back. As I said, I was 12 and at 12 you don't exactly think things through.

"I'm not a _little girl!" _I snapped! "I am a _woman_."

"Oh is that so?" The blonde boy chuckled, crossing his arms over his bare chest.

"Yes." I said sticking my nose in the air. The blonde boy looked to the dark haired boy and smirked.

"Well then, what do you think about this?" He said getting up out of the water. I blinked and then felt my face heat up. I quickly turned away, embarrassed by his nakedness. Both of the boys laughed, the blonde one laughed louder than the dark haired one who up until this moment I hadn't noticed that he was naked too.

"Some woman. Can't even look at a penis with out getting blushing." The blonde boy teased. "Want to touch it?" He asked and I felt my stomach turn.

"No thank you." I whispered.

"Are you sure?" He asked, even more amused by my great discomfort.

"Come on now Adam. Let her be. She's just a kid." The dark haired boy said, his voice calm and soft.

"I suppose your right. How old are you girl?" He called to me. I bite my lip and took a deep breath then I turned to look at him.

"12." I said.

"I would've thought you were at least 11." Adam said, smiling. "Wouldn't you say so Jesse?" I glanced at the blue-eyed boy and he smiled slightly. He squinted his eyes at me and then grinned.

"I would have said 10. She's still got all that baby fat on her face." With that the blonde boy, Adam burst into laughter and fell back into the water.

"I'M NOT 10, OR 11. I'M 12. Now if you don't mind, I have better things to do then sit around here and be made fun of by _you two!_" With that I turned on my heel and stomped all the way back up to the farmhouse.

It wasn't until I reached the wooden back door that I realized I had left the blanket down at the creek. I groaned and looked back down the hill, into the trees, which hid the river.

"Hey, Susanna! Get to work." Bradley said as he gave me a sharp shove. "Papa is going to be real angry if he sees you standing around doing nothing." Bradley smirked at the idea of me getting in trouble. Of all the people I had met in my life, Bradley was the meanest (even meaner then the two boys I had met at the creek). When I was two he tried to push me off the hayloft and when I was 6 he almost knocked me over when he was riding a horse. With his dark brown hair always covering his cool grey eyes, he looked tough and angry. He worn a tunic, made of the same material that all of our outfits were, a coarse brown wool that Papa had gotten last year from the wool that didn't sell. His white tights were dirty from working in the field and his straw hat was falling apart.

"I'm helping Momma in the kitchen today." I said sticking my tongue out at him. He was stumped for a second and then he chuckled.

"Sure you are. Wait till Pa hears about this." He hooted. "Hey Papa, guess what little Susanna just told me." He said racing away.

"Its TRUE!" I shouted after him. I felt so angry. First the boys were teasing me at the creek and now my own brother was making me out to be a liar. Why did everyone hate me? I felt so overwhelmed that I kicked a rock, which ended up being stuck in the ground, causing me to stub my toe and tears sprang into my eyes. I jumped up and down clutching my toe, trying not to cry, until suddenly the tears took over and I sank to the ground and sobbed.

"What's wrong kid?" Said one of my favourite voices. I wiped my face and turned slightly.

"Nothing Jacob. Just hurt my toe." My 16-year-old brother, with short dark hair and bright green eyes sat down beside me. He grinned at me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

"Want me to kiss it better?" He asked, in the way that he used to whenever I was hurt as a small child.

"No thanks. I'll be ok, I think." I said, sniffling.

"Bradley making fun of you again?" He whispered and I shook my head. But when he squeezed my shoulder I caved and nodded. I told him about how Bradley never believes me and that it hurts my feelings and how I felt so angry yet very sad at the same time. He looked at me with kind eyes but he shook his head.

"What have I told you?" he said in his pretend Papa voice.

"Not to let what Bradley says bother me." I said smiling. "But sometimes it's really hard." I whined and Jacob shook his head.

"Come on Susanna. You're stronger than that. We're the Simons. We're tough. We should be knights fighting for England."

"But we're just poor farmers who need to work to survive." Papa said appearing beside Jacob. His graying brown hair reached his shoulders and his mustache was trimmed to perfection. His grey eyes were tired and droopy, but they reminded me of all the smiling he did. He, like Bradley and Jacob, wore a straw hat and his brown field tunic, with faded white tights. He looked down at us with raised eyebrows and his arms crossed. Both Jacob and I jumped to our feet and began apologizing.

"Sorry Papa, I was distracting Susanna by talking to her." Jacob said.

"No Papa it's my fault. I was crying and Jacob stopped to comfort me." I said. Papa looked from Jacob's face to my face.

"Jacob, take your brother into town and pick up the things that your mother needs from the market." He said only glancing at my brother briefly.

"Yes Papa." He said, kissing my cheek as usual before dashing off to the barn to collect the horse and my other brother. Papa continued to study me like I was a rare gem.

"What is it?" I asked, unable to take this uncomfortable silence any longer.

"You're mother…told me what happened." He said looking away, allowing me to be embarrassed. My face heated and then cooled by the time he looked back at me. "It's time you started acting like a lady." He said.

"I do Papa." I defended and he smiled at me.

"Ladies wear hats and comb their hair." He said brushing my wild black hair behind him ear.

"But is makes me head itchy."

"Susanna, these are the rules you have to follow now. You don't want to be a little girl anymore then you have to act like a grown up." He said gently touching my cheek.

"Papa, I don't think I want to be a grown up any more." I said sadly.

"It get's easier my darling. You'll see." He smiled at me and turned away from me. "You're mother's waiting for you in the kitchen." He said over his shoulder before disappearing around the side of the house.

Momma and I spent the whole day together. She showed me how to pluck the feathers from a chicken after Papa had killed it and how we saved the feathers to use for pillows. She showed me how she washed the laundry in a large pot, big enough to fit me in it, that was full of boiling water and then hung it outside to dry. By the time we were done I was more exhausted then I had ever been while working in the fields because in the fields you didn't have someone watching you all the time, so you could lay down and watch the clouds float by, or day dream while cleaning the stalls.

When dinner was over it was David and my turn to clean up the dishes, while Papa and Jacob went outside to bring the cows into the barn. Momma sang happily as she swept the kitchen floor and Bradley buried himself in a book that he had picked up at the market.

As we were putting the dishes away, our dog Holly started barking. Holly was a guard dog and when she started barking it was never a good sign. One time we had ignored her consistent barks and woken up the next morning to find half of our sheep gone. So instantly everyone froze and listened. We heard Papa's loud shout but couldn't hear what he was saying. The next minute the door swung open and Papa pushed two boys in through the door. I blanked as those blue eyes met mine again. I quickly looked away, pretending I was busy.

"What's going on?" Momma asked, looking worried.

"These two were trying to steal our chickens." Jacob said, kicking one of them.

"Don't you know who I am?" The blonde boy snarled.

"We don't need to know who you arm." Jacob said grabbing the boy by his hair.

"Jacob! That's enough." Momma said sternly. "We do _not _allow violence in this house."

"But…" She stopped Jacob with a single hand.

"Even if these people tried to wrong us, it is not our way!" I stared a t Momma in wonder. When I grew up I was going to be just like her. "Come, please sit."

"Helen, maybe we should just take them to the sheriff." Papa said.

"These boys are just children, no younger than our Bradley. I'm going to make them a cup of tea while they tell us why they were in our chicken coop." Momma said, turning towards the kettle on the stove. I looked at the boys again and both of them looked at me in wonder. Adam, the blonde one had a cut just below his left eye and Jess had a black eye.

"How did you get hurt?" I asked, with out even thinking. Papa looked over at me shocked and I blushed.

"Yes those cuts do look very sore, how did you get them?" Momma asked, saving me. She nudged me to go and get the peroxide and a clean cloth.

"We were attacked by bandits." Adam said scowling. Everything I had brought with me was taken." At this Jess nodded. I held out the cloths to Momma but she just pushed me forward, telling me to do it. My hands were shaky as I approached Adam.

"This might hurt." I whispered as I poured a little bit of peroxide onto the cloth and then dabbed it on a small cut just under his ear. He winced but didn't look away.

"You'd think you could fight off a couple of bandits." Bradley sneered at them and Adam scowled back.

"There were a lot of them." Jess explained.

"How many?" Papa asked.

"About 12." Adam said. "Too many for both of us. We didn't really have a option but to offer up everything."

"What kind of things could they take from a bunch of run always."

"Run always?" Adam laughed in disbelief. "Do I look like a run away to you?"

"Obviously Adam or they wouldn't have said anything." Jess said with a smile.

"Do you not know who I am?" Adam asked again for the second time, this time in complete disbelief. He looked at me in the face and I froze. If he told them that I had seen them naked in the creek I would be in a lot of trouble with Papa. I begged him with my eyes, not to tell. He looked to the rest of my family.

"Are we supposed to?" Bradley sneered. "Burglars don't get respect in our house. No matter who they are." Papa and Momma both looked at Bradley with surprise.

"What do you know Bradley?" Papa asked.

"Nothing." He said, going quit again.

"Bradley, look at me." Momma said standing in front of him, a technique that always proved to be successful. We could lie to Papa but not to Momma.

"He's the prince." Bradley said quietly.

"The prince?" Momma said, shocked. She looked at Adam and then to Papa.

"Yes, I am." Adam said, rising for dramatic effect and knocking me out of the way.

"No need to put on a show." Jess snapped. "These people have been kind enough to let us in and give us food." With this Adam realized what Jess said was true and sat back down.

"I'm sorry for our harshness towards you, your majesty." Papa said, bowing slightly. "We had people steal from us before."

"It's alright." Adam said, waving to him but staring up at me. My hands started shaking and I felt nauseous.

"Would you like us you ride with you to the palace?" Jacob asked.

"They never let us in." Jess said. "They lock the gates at night and since his highness here lost the ring," Adam turned and scowled at him.

"What was I supposed to do? They had a knife at your throat." I gasped and looked at Jess.

"Really?" I asked and he nodded, looking embarrassed. "That must've been scary."

"It was for me." Adam said. "There's my best friend about to die."

"That's so sweet!" Jess teased, smiling at me.

"Would it be possible if we stayed here tonight?" Adam asked Papa, making eye contact with me before looking at him. Papa looked to Momma.

"Are you sure one of the towns inns wouldn't be better than this run down old place?" Momma asked, embarrassed.

"This place is nicer than any of those silly inns." Adam said, causing my mother to blush, which I have never seen.

"Then you are welcome to stay." Papa said looking at Momma for confirmation.

"Susanna and I will go and set up the beds for you." Momma said with a smile. I sealed the bottle and headed out of the kitchen after her.

"You'll sleep on the floor in our room tonight, ok?"

"But what about the barn?" I said, dreading the hardness of the stone floor.

"The boys are sleeping out there so that the Prince and his friend can each have their own room. I don't want to hear complaints Susanna, please." She said, knowing exactly what I was going to do.

"Alright Momma." I said sighing. She was quiet for a second and then she looked over at me and gave me a smile. "They were sure taken with you." I felt my face heat up.

"I don't think so." I said and Momma laughed.

"I saw the way they watched you. They think you're pretty, which is true."

"Oh Momma. I'm just a baby compared to them." I said remembering what they had said to me.

"Not any more honey. Just wait, boys of all ages will start noticing you more now that you're a woman."

"Is that a good thing?"

"Of course it is. With a face as pretty as yours, its hard to not notice." She said cupping my face gently. "You just remember to be a lady, to be kind and gentle but to remain pure." She looked deep into my eyes and I blushed again as I realized what she was saying.

"Momma I would never do that!" I said shocked. She smiled at me and let out a little chuckle.

"Oh to be young again." She sighed, pulling the sheets tighter on our bed.

That night was a sore one. Momma woke me up extra early, the sun was just starting to rise and she sent me to the creek again. Two baths in one week! It was horrible. When the sun did come up Momma sent me out to collect enough eggs for everyone, and we had scrambled eggs with sliced bread that Momma toasted in the oven and slices of fresh bacon.

Sitting at the table with Adam and Jess was exceptionally uncomfortable. After what Momma had pointed out the night before I felt like all they were doing was watching me. I forced myself not to look at them and stared at my plate. When breakfast was finished I stood up to collect the dishes and Jess stood up too.

"Here let me help." He said, causing Papa to look at me with surprise. I blushed and shook my head.

"No its ok." I spoke barely louder than a peep. I didn't look up but I knew he was amused by my embarrassment. He passed me his plate and it clatter in my shaky hands. When I stood by the washbasin, I took many deep breaths trying to calm my nerves.

"Jess and I were wondering how we would get to town from here?" Adam said, taking a gulp of his tea.

"Jacob and I will ride with you, just to make sure you get there safely."

"No need kind man. I just need the directions." Adam said.

"I insist." Papa said, making it clear that he was annoyed by Adam's power over him.

"I need some things from the market any way." Momma said, staring at Papa. He looked away and the kitchen fell silent.

"Well thank you then. We should really be going though." Adam said looking at Jess for confirmation.

"Of course. We'll just saddle the horses and be on our way." Papa and Jacob jumped up and headed outside.

"Bradley maybe you should help your father." Momma said. He pouted but he left the kitchen without making a sound. Momma grabbed two bundles of cloth and handed one to each boy. They looked at it shocked. "It's just a little bit of food, but in case you get hungry along the way you have something to eat."

"Thank you." Adam said sincerely and Jess nodded.

"It was our pleasure having you visit." Momma said.

"We would love to come back and visit again." Jess said smiling at us.

"You are welcome any time. Right Susanna?" Momma said smiling at me and I blushed again.

"Of course." I said smiling slightly and then turning away. I couldn't figure out why I blushed so much. Why did these boys make me feel like a silly little girl when all I wanted to be was a woman?

As I watched them ride away with Papa I was torn between wishing they would stay longer and wishing that I would never see them again.


	3. Changes

A week passed by and I was just starting to get the hang of my new chores. Momma had even let me make dinner by myself, although she stepped in a couple of times. And even though I was busier than normal I still couldn't stop thinking about the two boys that I had met. When I asked Momma what she thought of them, she gave me a smile and told me that I was still too young for them. I frowned and sulked for the rest of the day and no matter how hard Jacob tried to cheer me up, I just didn't feel happy. The next day, I stopped bleeding.

"Momma! I'm not a woman anymore." I said rushing to her as she was hanging laundry outside. She looked at me with confusion.

"What is it now Susanna?" She asked.

"I stopped bleeding." I said, feeling tears in my eyes. I was looking forward to being a woman. Momma looked at me and then laughed.

"Oh honey. The bleeding only lasts for a couple of days. It'll come back in a couple of weeks but it only last a few days. Oh you were really scared weren't you?" She said pulling me into her arms. I let the few tears fall from my face as I felt that familiar comfort of my mother's embrace.

"What's happened?" Papa said from behind me.

"Nothing, just a little fright, that's all." She said, without releasing me. Then I felt something hit my chest. I froze unsure what had happened and then looked up at Momma. She smiled back down at me and gave me a wink.

"What was that?" I asked and her smile grew.

"Remember when you were 4?" She laughed. "That was a silly question. But do you remember when David was in my stomach? And you could feel him move when I laid with you at night?" She asked me and I struggled to remember the days before David, the days when I would run around in my night gown and Papa would laugh where as Momma would chase after me, trying to get me to put some clothes on. I shook my head.

"Well…" She looked up at Papa who was smiling slightly. "I'm going to have a baby." I stared at her like she had been speaking a different language. And then I realized what she said and my face broke out into a huge grin.

"REALLY?" I shouted and she smiled. "Oh Momma! That's wonderful!" I hugged her tightly, and realized that the roundness of my mother's stomach was a baby. "When will it come?"

"In the early fall." She said, smiling over at Papa. He smiled at us and then turned, walking back to where he was cutting the wood for the fireplace.

"What's wrong with Papa? Is he not excited for the new baby?" I asked, feeling a bit hurt.

"He's just worried that's all. He always gets worried when I become with child." She wrapped an arm tightly around me and sat down on a fall down log beside the house.

"So I'll finally get a sister?" I asked, day dreaming about a little girl who looked like me and idolized me. We would sit and talk for hours and do each other's hair.

"I hope so, but don't tell your father. He says w could use another boy." I cringed.

"But we have so many already. I think three boys is enough." Momma chuckled at me statement.

"Some families have six boys." She said.

"SIX? Oh my." I shook my head.

"Susanna." She grabbed my hands and looked at me, all cheeriness gone. "Having this baby will be difficult for me and your really going to need to help me."

"Ok Momma."

"That's why you have been working with me in the kitchen." She said, somewhat sadly.

"Why are you sad Momma?" I asked touching her cheek gently.

"Because, at the age of 12 you should still be a child, running around and having fun." A tear rolled down her cheek and I laughed.

"Oh Momma. I don't mind. I think it's better working with you then working with the boys." I lied, but I knew it would make Momma feel better. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tightly. I looked over her shoulder and spotted Papa watching us. He smiled slightly, then went back to cutting the wood. As I sat consoling my mother I wondered why Papa was so worried? What was the worst thing that a baby could do?

I sat on the edge of the creek, letting my feet dangle in the cold running water, staring at the pink sky as the sunset. I was humming to myself and thinking of what Momma had explained to me about giving birth. It sounded horrible, but in the end you got to hold a tiny baby that was just yours, that looked just like you. I started daydreaming about my baby, and how it would have dark curly hair like me only have bright blue eyes. My heart fluttered as I thought about having a baby with Jesse. I felt embarrassed for even thinking of that and wondered where I even got the idea. He was noble and I was poor.

"Hey sis." Jacob said, splashing water onto me as he sat down on the creek beside me. "Great supper you made."

"Thanks." I said blushing. "You know Momma's going to have a baby?" I asked him, without even having to look I knew that he did.

"Papa told me weeks ago." Jacob sighed. "He's worried."

"Why? I thought having a baby is a good thing?" I said, frowning at him. He gave me a sad smile and wrapped an arm around my shoulder.

"It just means he'll have another mouth to feed."

"But Momma said that the baby will eat from her milk, like a cow." Jacob laughed.

"Yes, but when the baby gets bigger like you and me, or David, it'll need more than Momma's milk." He smiled and I shrugged. I kicked at the water gently and thought about my dream baby again.

"Do you think I'll ever have children?" I asked. He coughed uncomfortably and when I looked at him his cheeks were pink. I smiled and nudged him.

"I suppose so, when you get married of course." He said, rather sternly. I smiled at him.

"Do you want to have children Jacob?" His face went pinker.

"I guess so. Everyone wants to have children."

"Not me!" Bradley said, startling us. He slumped over and sat beside Jacob.

"Why not?" I asked him, slightly agitated that he interrupted our conversation.

"Because who wants to look out for a screaming whining brat?" He snapped.

"Brad!" Jacob said, rolling his eyes.

"Well its true. Don't you remember when David was born. Man he screamed all the time."

"DID NOT!" Came a small voice from the other side of the bushes. David's bright red hair appeared over the green shrubs and he scowled at Bradley. "Take it back or I'll…" His fists were clenched and his face was purple with anger. I couldn't help but to smile at my 8-year-old brother.

"You'll what? Punch me?" Bradley teased.

"Enough! Davie come and sit." Jacob said, nodding to the spot of grass beside me. David pouted, which I think was supposed to be a scowl and dropped onto the grass beside me. He peeled off his shoes and stockings and stuck his feet in the water.

"It's going to be different with a baby around." I said.

"We'll get used to it." Jacob said and Bradley nodded.

"But who's room will the baby sleep in?" David asked.

"It'll sleep with Momma and Papa in the beginning." Jacob explained. "But eventually it will be moved in with you and Susanna." David looked at me and frowned slightly.

"Or bed barely fits both of us." He said, clearly not willing to share. I smiled.

"Don't worry Davie, will make room. Maybe Momma and Papa will build you your own bed." I said.

"Don't lie to him Susanna." Bradley snapped and I scowled at him.

"I'm not!"

"You're giving him false hope then."

"Brad, enough." Jacob scolded again.

"No! I'm tired of this! She's always pretending that she knows everything and is the smartest one!" His face went purple and the wind whipped his dark hair as he stood up. "The truth is David, that this baby will appear one day, after Momma screams so loud that you run as far away as possible so that you cant hear it. This baby will take your spot and you'll end up being just another kid like the rest of us; not special, not loved, not seen." He shouted and just as he turned to leave I noticed a tear in his eye. Even though I was furious with Bradley, I still felt pain in my heart for him. When he was out of ear shot Jacob turned to us.

"He's upset." I said.

"He never adjusted to you being born. That's why he's so hard on you." Jacob said to me.

"He hates me."

"He doesn't hate you Susanna, he's just jealous." I stared at him with my mouth hanging open.

"Why would he be jealous of Susanna?" David asked.

"Because Susanna is the only girl and apart from you, she gets a lot of attention from Momma."

"But…why aren't you jealous then?" I asked him, playing with the coarse material of my dress.

"I am sometimes. But I make sure that I spend time with Momma in my own way. During prayers I always kneel next to Momma, and we sit and talk at night, while she does her knitting. Bradley hasn't realized that he needs to seek his own attention instead of waiting for it to come to him." Jacob said scowling at the water. I looked at David and he shrugged, his grey eyes searching mine carefully. We fell silent and listened to the sound of night falling around us. The crickets were out creating a peaceful song, and the frogs joined in with their usual croaks.

"I want to be a knight when I grow up." David said.

"Where did that idea come from?" I asked laughing along with Jacob.

"I…I thought about it when the Prince was here. I saw him and his friend in town the other day and they were wearing amour, like knights."

"They came back?" I asked, feeling that jittery feeling again.

"They were in town. They talked to Papa for a second, but I was too far away to hear."

"When? What did they say?" Jacob laughed beside me.

"Susanna, holding a little flame for someone special?" He teased and I felt my face go red.

"N-No. I was just curious that's all." Both Jacob and David laughed this time. "Don't laugh. I see the way you look at Debra Mancuso down the road." This time he went pink.

"Are you going to marry her?" David asked, joining in on the teasing.

"Will you have _babies _with her?" I asked.

"Alright you two, give it a rest!" He said making both David and I burst into giggles. He smiled at us but then his face went serious.

"What is it?" I asked as we both stopped laughing.

"I'm going to marry her soon."

"You've asked her already?" I said, my eyes so wide that they hurt.

"No, but I've asked Momma and Papa and they told me to ask her parents."

"But you're not…you are still young." I said, feeling sad.

"Momma and Papa need the extra room now with the new baby and I'm not that young. They were a little older than I was when they got married." He said.

'Where will you live? You don't have your own land yet?" David asked.

"Papa said, if we get married that I can have a quarter of his land to build my house on and we'll spilt the profit of the crops when we bring them to the market to sell.

"Split the profit?" I stared at the water and shook my head. "But you'll be so far away."

"It's not that far. Just on the other side of the cornfield. He's got a place set up for each of us boys to build our houses." He said smiling.

"Why not for me?" I asked pouting.

"Because that will be your husbands job." He said, blushing again. I wondered why he blushed so much when he thought of marriage and having babies. He cleared his throat and jumped up.

"Want to see?"

"See what?"

"Where we'll build our house." He beamed down at us. I looked at David and he shrugged back.

"Ok." I said and Jacob helped me onto my feet.

"Come on, follow me." He said taking off at a run. I looked at David and both of us laughed as we chased after our excited brother.

When we got back home, after Jacob had shown us how the house was going to look, Momma scolded us for staying out after dark. Then she sent us straight to bed without a story or a kiss good night. David and I lay side-by-side listening to the wind rush against the house.

"Everything's going to change." I said.

"How so?" he whispered turning to me.

"Jacob's getting married, which mean that he won't be living here any more and Mom's having a baby. Basically the baby is replacing Jacob." I sighed and felt tears in my eyes. David was quiet beside me, barely even breathing.

"Momma would never do that." David finally said.

"I don't think she means to do it, she just is." David never said anything else after that, so I assumed he had fallen asleep. I turned on my side and drifted off to sleep.

The next day Jacob woke us up. He was smiling down at me brightly and he was shaking me.

"Come on Susanna wake up."

"What is it?" I asked rubbing my eyes.

"I need you to come into town with me."

"Me? Why?"

"I'm going to get a ring."

"A ring? What for? Men don't wear rings unless they're noble or married, or both." I said looking up at him.

"No silly. I'm going to buy an engagement ring, for Debra." He looked at me with wide eyes amused that I didn't understand. Finally I blinked at him and laughed.

"Oh! I understand!" I bursted out laughing, which caused David to give me a grumpy snort and roll on to his other side.

"So…will you come with me?"

"S-Sure, but don't you want Momma to come with you?"

"I want Momma to be surprised. Besides if Momma comes she'll try to pay for it and I want to do this myself." He said stubbornly. I smiled up at my big brother and nodded.

"Ok. I'll get dressed and be ready in 10 minutes." He kissed my cheek roughly and smiled.

"Thanks!" He said before skipping out of the room. I looked after him like he had three heads. That boy was completely different from the boy I was used to.

I slowly climbed out of bed and grabbed my wool dress off of the chair. I hated how it was so scratchy and rough against your skin when you pulled it on for the first time. But it kept you very warm in the winter, yet cool enough in the summer. I grabbed my white cap and wrapped my curly hair into a neat bun, before putting on my cap. I pinched my cheeks, after seeing Momma do it and went down stairs.

Momma was in the kitchen humming away as she cut up pieces of potatoes. She looked up when I entered the room and smiled at me.

"Is it ok if I go with Jacob into town?" I asked, trying to make it sound like it wasn't a matter to fuss about. Yet the fact was that Momma and Papa only took me into town around Christmas time, other than that I was forced to explore the fields around my house and go to church, which was just up the road. Momma continued to smile down at the potatoes.

"He's buying the ring?" She asked, well she said it more as a statement but I nodded anyways. "Make sure he buys a nice one. Something round, but not to big and make sure that its gold." She said looking at me with the corner of her eye. "Every girl loves gold."

"How did you know?" I asked her, shocked. She turned and grabbed a grey wool shall that hung from a peg by the back door.

"A mother always knows." She said as she wrapped the shall around my shoulders. "You'll see." I smiled up at her and she kissed my cheek. "Be polite remember your manners and have fun."

"I will Momma. Thank you." I kissed her again and then skipped out of the house, almost as excited as Jacob was. The wagon was waiting outside of the house, Jacob was tightening the last harness to our horse, Runner.

"Ready to go?" I asked him and he smiled at me.

"Where are you two going?" Papa said as he came walking out of the barn. His shirt was covered in blood and he looked as if he'd been up all night. I remembered that one of the cows had looked very swollen, as Momma had. There was most likely a new baby calf in the barn.

"Susanna and I are going into town for a bit." Jacob said, nervously.

"Why? Christmas shopping already?" He said, smiling at me; the first smile I'd seen in a while.

"No, well maybe." I said, not really sure if I wanted to spend the little money that I had saved up. He pinched my cheek and then winked.

"Take care of him." He whispered to me. "He's a nervous wreck, almost as if he's about to go and ask her." He chuckled.

"I'll look after him Papa." I shook my head at the fact that both of my parents knew that he was on his way to go and buy the ring, when Jacob wanted to keep it a secret.

Papa helped me into the wagon seat, beside Jacob then stepped back as Jacob whipped the horse.

"Good bye!" I called as we rode down the driveway. Papa stood on the porch and waved until the house was barely seen through the trees.

2 hours later, I knew we were getting close to town because the roads became busier. People were walking with large baskets under their arms and there were a couple of buggies that passed the in opposite direction. When I saw the large tower of the Cathedral I felt butterflies. I was so excited to get out a see more people, buy sweets and just see the different ways people lived compared to us farmers.

We pulled the wagon into a barn that was now used to storing wagons and Jacob paid the boys tending the horses. After that he grabbed my hand and pulled me out threw the streets. The first thing you did was smell the air, for it smelt of salted pork. The next thing you did was see all the different colours. Some people wore brown woolen tunics and dresses like Jacob and I, but others wore different colours to their wool, or they wore different material that flowed in the wind. One girl passed by, smiling at both of us, in a light blue dress like the colour of the sky. I watched her walk, mesmerized by the colour.

"Over here Susanna." Jacob said pulling me towards a small wooden table. The table was full of bits and pieces of jewelry; some cheap and some expensive. A smiling old woman sat on the other side, holding tightly to a silver handled cane.

"What can I help you with my dear boy?" She asked, her white hair loose, covered by a purple silk hooded cape.

"I want to buy a ring."

"A ring? For a girl?" The old woman winked at me and I smiled back.

"No not for her. She's my sister. It's for another girl." Jacob spoke in a low voice and was blushing.

"He's going to ask her to marry him." I said, smiling brightly.

"Oh I see. Well then…" She turned and disappeared behind a black sheet. I looked at Jacob and he shrugged. Just as we were about to leave she reappeared with a small box in her hand. "I have this very special ring, made by jewelers in France."

"France? Really?" I said shocked.

"Can we see it?" he asked, his eyes staring at the box hungrily.

"Of course. But I warn you it is a fair price." Jacob never registered what the hold woman said, just stared at the box. She handed it to him and he slowly opened it. He held it up to close to his face so I couldn't see. I pulled on his sleeve and begged him to let me see it. When he lowered it to me I blinked by the flash of the large diamond. I smiled at him and then studied it. I turned it sideways to see the way it caught the light. It was beautiful and big and I thought Momma would be happy if he bought this ring, yet there was something wrong with it. I frowned and Jacob bent down.

"What's wrong?" He asked me.

"It's silver." I said finally realizing it. His eyebrows creased together and he shrugged.

"So?"

"So…every girl loves gold, not silver." I said.

"I assure you young lady that not every woman like gold and silver is just as good as gold."

"Yet its not worth the same, so therefore not just as good." I said without even speaking. With my sharp tone the old lady shrunk back onto the seat. I picked the ring out of the box and felt it. It was very light to have such a big diamond. I turned it sideways again and looked at the old lady's worried expression.

"What is it made of?" I asked her. She looked at me with a vacant expression.

"I beg your pardon?"

"This isn't silver. It's not real Jacob." I said looking at him and he gave me the same blank expression.

"How do you know?"

"Feel it." I put it into his hands and the old lady jumped up.

"How dare you accuse me of selling fake jewelry." She shouted.

"I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just stating that it's not real." Jacob sighed and looked at me again. I shook my head and he frowned.

"I think I'll look around before I decide." He passed the ring back to the old lady and I could see she was panicking as she realized that she was losing our interest, and worse our money.

"I have many other rings. Bigger rings with more diamonds." She called after us desperately, but we never looked back.

"How did you know?"

"That it was fake?" I asked and he nodded. "I didn't, I just guessed." He thought about his for a second and then laughed out loud, causing people to look over.

"I'm glad I brought you along, or I would've bought that old thing." I smiled, feeling proud.

Half an hour later we found the ring. It was a smaller diamond, cut in a circular shape and attached to a round gold band. The man who sold it to us gave us a bargain after Jacob explained about the old lady who tried to sell us the fake. Jacob bought the ring for 12 pounds as apposed to 20. Jacob has used only a quarter of his money and decided to treat me to lunch in one of the local taverns.

It was called the Hunting Horse and it was shabby place that smelt of old, smelly men and feces. We walked into the place and people were laughing and shouting. There were men kissing women that my mother told me never to talk to, and there were others who were fast asleep with their heads on the tables.

"Jacob Simon. What do we owe this pleasure?" The big man on the other side of the counter shouted at us. He was tall, and very wide with a red beard and red curly hair that was tied back into a ponytail.

"Just taking my little sister into town, Pat." Jacob said smiling at me, as I watched a man fall off his chair and stagger to his feet.

"First time?" The man Jacob called Pat said, nodding at me.

"Easy to tell, huh?" Pat laughed and bent towards me.

"Don't worry miss, no one will bother ya while I'm here." He said giving me a wink and I smiled back.

"I'm not worried." I said and he chuckled.

"So what can I get ya? Couple of sandwiches and a pint?"  
"Please. Oh a sweet tea for Susanna as well."

"Comin right up." Pat said smiling at me again. " 'Oi Mel, I need two sandwiches and a sweet tea."

"Sweet tea?" came a woman's voice from the half door that Pat had shouted over. "That must be Jacob Simon?" The half door swung open and a tiny woman, with blonde curly hair appeared. She clasped her hands together and beamed. "I told yea, didn't I?" She said knocking Pat in the ribs. "How are you doing honey?"

"Fine thanks Melanie." Jacob turned to me. "Susanna, this is Melanie McDonald, Pat's wife. She's the best cook in the entire world." Melanie blushed and chuckled.

"You're quite the flatterer, mister. That poor Debra's in for a rough time." Melanie said, tucking a wide curl behind her ear. Her brown eyes flicked to mine and she smiled brightly.

"You look so much alike." She said looking from Jacob to me and back again.

"We all look alike." Jacob said, taking a sip of the overflowing pint that Pat placed in front of him.

"Except for David." I said to Jacob.

"David, our youngest brother, had got red hair." At this Melanie laughed and Pat shook his head.

"Ain't that always the way. Take my family. Every single one of my seven sisters had black hair, darker than the sky at nighttime, and I've got red." He shook his head again.

"I like it." I said automatically and he smiled at me.

"Two charmers!" Melanie exclaimed laughing, causing her belly and breast to jiggle. "Family trait?"

"Must be." Jacob grinned as he placed money on the counter and picked up his pint.

"Well, I'll bring your sandwiches over to you Honey." She smiled at us again and I followed Jacob to a wooden table by the fireplace that happened to be deserted.

We sat down and I looked around the place. In the far corner there was a group of men playing different instruments such as a flute and a fiddle. One man was hitting a barrel where as another man was hitting spoons off of his knees. The music made me want to dance around the room and I found my feet tapping along to the beat. As my eyes roamed the sea of people I spotted a face that was very familiar to me. I blinked twice to make sure that it was in fact him before turning away. When I looked back I noticed that both Jesse and Adam were in the same tavern. Adam was talking to Pat and Jesse was talking to a young woman, dressed in dark red, with long curly brown hair. She was one of the women you don't talk to. I scowled and looked away as she lead him to the dance floor and they started dancing.

Melanie brought over our plates as I looked back at Jesse. She looked over her shoulder and then back at me and smiled.

"Don't you pay any attention to them honey. Their too old for you." She whispered as she placed my sandwich in front of me. I nodded and looked down at my plate. I wasn't hungry anymore, and I picked at my bread. "Come on now. I made it special." She coaxed and Jacob looked at me with a stern eye.

"Oh sorry. Thank you." I said taking a bite. She looked at me with raised eyebrows and I smiled at her. I made a sound to suggest that the sandwich was delicious. She clapped her hands and went to get my sweet tea. The fact was that seeing Jesse with this other woman, seeing him bend down and whisper in her ear made me feel nauseous. I could barely taste anything but my disappointment. I sighed and placed my head in my palms picking at the bread.

"What's wrong Sis? You don't like it?" Jacob asked.

"No, it's great. I think I'll save it for the ride home. I'm not very hungry." I was afraid to look at Jacob because I knew he was angry, but I knew that if I didn't look at him I wouldn't see his anger and he wasn't about to say anything. He sighed and took and angry bite of his own sandwich. "If this is because _they _are here then you're being ridiculous. You're a 12 year-old girl and they are 20-year-old men! Get over it." He snapped surprising me. Then he pushed back from the table and mumbled something about getting another pint, yet brining his sandwich with him. I felt tears in my eyes.

"Oh honey." Melanie appeared again, this time she sat beside me and rubbed my back. "Don't cry."

"I feel like an idiot." I said and Melanie smiled.

"You know my Pat is ten years _younger_ than I am." She said with a slight chuckle. When I looked at her shocked she nodded her head. "That was quite the scandal in my house when I married a younger man."

"But at least you weren't too young for him."

"No honey, I was too old." She chuckled. "But it never stopped me. Age is just a number. If you're meant to be together then it will happen." She gave me a wink. "Now would you like me to wrap up that sandwich or are you going to eat it now?" I stared at the sandwich and then looked up at Jesse. "I'll wrap it up shall I?" She chuckled as she took my plate. "Drink the tea though. You'll like it."

"Thank you." I said and she winked again before leaving. I took a sip from the cold glass and instantly sighed. It was cold tea but it was sweeter than anything I've tasted and it had a mint taste too. I picked out the plant that was floating in the glass and the smell of peppermint hit me. I smiled and placed in back into the drink, finishing it in one long gulp.

"Thirsty?" his voice made me jump. I wiped my mouth with my sleeve and looked over my shoulder.

"Hello." I said politely and he smiled back down at me.

"I saw you walk in. Here with your brother?" He asked.

"Yes." I answered unable to think of anything else to say. We both went quiet and he looked over his shoulder at the girl who was now talking with Adam.

"Well I just wanted to say hello." He said smiling at me the way old people smile at children. "I'll let you…finish." He said looking at my empty glass. I smiled slightly and watched him turn. As he took his first step I remembered what Melanie had said. I reached out and grabbed his tunic.

"Wait." I said and he looked at me shocked. "Would you mind sitting with me till my brother comes back?" I asked. Jesse smiled at me and nodded.

"It would be my pleasure." He sat across from me and stared at me.

"My brother said you are a knight?" I said.

"Yes." He said nodding. "I have been training for a very long time."

"Is Adam, I mean his highness, is he a knight too?" Jesse smiled.

"Yes, well, because he is the King's son, he is naturally trained in combat."

"Interesting." I said looking over at Adam.

"Do you really find it interesting?" He said leaning close, causing me too look directly into his eyes.

"No." I said blushing and Jesse let out a loud laugh. I smiled to my lap, afraid to look up. A second later Adam was at my side.

"Look who I've found Adam." Jesse said. I smiled at him and then looked up at Adam.

"Your highness." I said bowing my head. Adam laughed and sat beside me.

"She's gotten some manners I see." I frowned slightly. "Still a long way to go but you could just end up being a lady."

"Better than the ones you keep in your company." I said without thinking. Jesse smirked and Adam blinked at me.

"I was just talking to her." He defended. "And what are you smirking at you're the one who kissed her." I looked at Jesse revolted and he smiled.

"A kiss means nothing from them." He said with a shrug.

"Then why did you kiss her if it meant nothing?" I asked.

"Because you see little girl, kisses from men mean that they want something else." I blinked at Adam as he moved closer.

"Adam…"Jesse warned.

"Wh-What do they want?" I gulped.

"They want to have _sex_ with you." I shivered as his breath tickled my face.

"I-I don't know…" Adam smiled and looked at Jesse.

"Cute." He said and then smiled back at me. "Would you like me to show you?" Adam whispered.

"I-I…" I stammered. Between my rapid heart beat and the goose bumps on my arms I couldn't think.

"Susanna, we have to go." Jacob's sharp voice was in my other ear, causing me to jump. I looked into his furious face and nodded.

"You're highness," Jacob nodded to Adam and then to Jesse. "Sorry we must be going. Chores to do." He lied.

"Of course." Adam said. "It was nice seeing you again…"

"Susanna." Jesse whispered and Adam beamed. I cringed and nodded my head to each of them. Without another word Jacob pushed me out of the tavern and into the darkening streets.

"What were you thinking?" He snapped as he rushed to the barn where the wagon was kept.

"Me? You brought me there!" I snapped back. He looked at me startled, as if he had forgotten that I was there.

"I didn't mean…I meant me. I don't know what I was thinking bringing you to that place." Jacob went quiet as he re-harnessed the wagon and didn't speak again until we were on our way back home. "I'm sorry I took you there, and then left you alone. It was horrible and irresponsible."

"It's ok Jacob." I said.

"No it's not ok. If I hadn't happened to look over at that moment…I don't know what would have happen." He blinked at the road, not really seeing it. I slipped my arm through his and rested my head on his shoulder. Nothing else needed to be said because both of us knew that every thing was ok and that no one would say a word to Momma and Papa about seeing Adam and Jesse at the tavern.


	4. Through Joy and Sorrow

The day that Jacob asked for Debra Mancuso's hand was a day of chaos. Jacob had showed Momma and Papa the ring he had bought for Debra and then told her that he was going to propose later that week, after mass. But first he needed to ask her father's permission. He said that he and Debra had talked about getting married so she knew that he was going to ask her father, she just didn't know when.

Around midweek Jacob got up early, washed in the creek and barely ate a thing a breakfast. He borrowed Runner and rode down the road to Debra's farm house. He told us that he was so nervous he almost puked as he knocked on the door. Her father knew why he was there, yet he pretended he didn't. Papa said this was a ritual that you did to young men who were asking for your daughters hand. This proved that they were real men, apparently.

When Jacob came home he was grinning from ear to ear. Her father had said yes once Jacob told him of the plans to build his home. They would have a short enagement, marrying around the time the baby was born, and would live with us for the winter while the mortar on his house set. The in the spring Papa and the boys would put the finishing touches on the house, adding the furniture that they would make over the winter to the house and they'd be ready to move in by that summer.

Momma cried when he told her this and held onto him for 10 minutes, before going to her room to cry in private.

The next Sunday, after mass Jacob took Debra's hand and led her to an old oak tree. Naturally everyone in our small community knew about the proposal already and gathered together to spy on them. You couldn't hear what they said but you saw Jacob pull the small ring from his pocket and she threw herself at him. Her blonde curls bouncing as she laughed.

So there we were…3 short months later and they were getting married.

The house was almost complete. They had to finish the stones on the top of the house and add the roof, but Jacob told me that the roof would go up in the spring. Debra stopped by on a regular basis, touching in with my mother about the cake. Momma had offered to bake the wedding cake because Debra's mother was going to make most of the food. Debra sat with me and we talked about her wedding dress and all of her wedding plans. It was like having a big sister. Momma said this is how you know that she's the right one, she just fit right into our family.

Momma woke me up extra early on the morning of the wedding so that we would get ready first. She held out a new dress that she had made for me. It was made of dyed blue wool. The blue was faded and it looked more like a grey colour but I was happy with the different dress even if it had been black. She braided my hair while it was wet and once it was dry we would take out the braid and put little white flowers in it.

As everyone started waking and the pressure of the wedding pushed on everyone I noticed a big change in Momma. She didn't get ready until the last minute and when she did dress she wore the same dress she wore every day.

"Don't you have a nice dress Momma?" I asked her. She smiled sadly at me and then frowned.

"My dress is too small." She said, touching my cheek gently. "This baby is growing too fast." I looked at her with worry and she smiled. "I'm tell you a falsehood Susanna. This baby's just as big as you were."

"Well, maybe you should lay down for a bit." I said looking at her pale face and tired eyes. "I can help Papa out."

"Thank you my darling." She said, sitting down on her bed. She closed her eyes sighing. "He'll need help getting the rest packed into the wagon. Just leave the cake on the table though please." And with that she was asleep. I sighed with worry as I watched my mother's swollen face relax. I placed my hands on her stomach and smiled.

"Please let Momma rest. She's really tired." I whispered to the baby. I crept out of the room and shut the door.

"Where's your mother?" Papa asked me as I entered the kitchen.

"She's lying down. What's wrong Papa?" I asked, looking at his pale face.

"It's raining." I raced to the window and looked at the saturated grounds.

"What are we going to do?" I asked him.

"We're going to have the wedding in the barn."

"In the barn? What about the church." He scowled at me, and I jumped.

"Obviously the ceremony will be in the church Susanna, use your brain. The celebration will be in the barn."

"But…But we haven't…"

"Right so I'll need you help getting the barn ready." I looked down at my new dress and sighed.

"Ok Papa." And together we raced out to the barn. We swept all the dirty hay into a wheel barrow and I dumped it outside. Then we scattered new hay on the ground and cleared off the table so the people could eat.

"What are we going to do for seats Papa?" Bradley asked as he shook the water out of his hair.

"The benches from outside. Bring them in here and we'll wipe them down." Then he turned to me. "Go and wake up your mother or we'll be late." I nodded and raced back inside, up the steps which were now slippery and knocked on Momma's door.

"Come in." She sang. I hesitated before opening the door. "Hi honey I'm almost…Oh good Lord look at your dress!" She shouted. "What have you been doing?"

"I was helping Papa. The wedding celebration is going to be moved into the barn because of the rain." Momma looked from my ruined dress to the window where the rain kept falling. She sighed deeply and looked back at my dress. It was muddy from running back and forth and the dye was running off of the dress onto the floor in little blue puddles, dying my stockings a dark blue colour.

"Well you'll have to take that off and put on your other dress."

"But its so plain…and boring." I whined.

"Well you should've changed out of this dress before you started running through the rain." She said exhasperated. "I'm not even going to bother putting flowers in your hair, the curls are going to be wild." She said wrapping my hair in an old blanket and squeezing the water out. After my hair stopped dripping she sent me to change into my old, scratchy dress.

Papa gave Momma his jacket so she wouldn't get too wet as we walked out to the wagon, which was now covered to keep us dry. I raced out behind her and saw all three of my brother's huddled to one side of the cabin. Jacob was so nervous that he looked green.

"Ready?" Papa called as he whipped Runner to start pulling us.

"How are you feeling?" I asked Jacob, but he never even looked at me.

"How do you think he's feeling?" Bradley snapped.

"Enough." Momma said, closing her eyes and wincing every time we hit a bump.

"Are you ok Momma?" David asked. She opened her eyes and smiled.

"Perfectly fine." She said to all of us because we were all watching her now. "Honey, don't be so nervous. It'll be a great wedding and an even better marrage." Momma said reaching over and grabbing Jacob's hand.

"I hope so Momma." He said, exhaling deeply.

The rain stopped just as we reached the church. Momma said that it was a good sign for Jacob's marriage. Jacob and Papa helped us out of the carriage and then Jacob and Bradley went to the front of the church where as the rest of us took a seat on the front bench. The church was full to capacity within ten minutes. I spotted my best friend Gina sitting a couple benches behind me and I waved to her. She grinned back and pointed to her long,_ dry_, red hair. I cringed and nodded my head mouthing the word "rain" to her. She smiled and nodded and then the music started.

We all stood so that we could see Debra walking down the aisle. Her dress was new, made by her mother. It was long and loose, with gold beads around the neckline. The sleeves were puffy and they flowed from her arms like water. The bouquet of flowers she had chosen were yellow pansies and her golden hair was curled, with a gold beaded headpiece that crossed her forehead, connecting at the back of her head and dangled down her back. She smiled radiantly as she looked from person to person and when her eyes landed on Jacob, who was nervously standing at the altar, tears whelled up in her eyes and her smile grew wider.

The ceremony passed in a blurr. First I thought it was really boring, like a regular mass. Then they exchanged their vows and rings and they were married and everyone was crying or cheering. I watched my brother kiss his wife in front of everyone and then they walked down the aisle, her arm linked with his and all I remember feeling was that I had lost him. He was no longer ours; he was hers.

The wagons pulled up to the barn an hour after the ceremony. Because of the rain everyone had left their food and decorations at home. By the time the bride and groom showed up everything was perfect. There were white table clothes over the two long tables where the guests would sit and each table had candles on them to light up the meal. The bride and groom got their own table where there were two fancy chairs covered in ribbons. The benches had dried so people wouldn't get wet if that sat on them, and the barrels of wine were propped up ready to be served.

Momma looked around the room and smiled at me. "We all did a great job." She said proudly. I nodded along with her, losing focus as Gina walked into the barn.

"I'll be right back." I said leaving her side and racing to Gina. She smiled at me and I flung into her open arms.

"How are you?" She asked me and I smiled at her.

"Sad."

"I think I was sad too." She said, tossing her hair over her shoulder. "He always felt like my brother too." I smiled at her and we linked arms. "So do you see anyone cute?"

"I haven't looked yet." I said giggling.

"Well I have and there is not that many attractive young men here tonight. Apart from your brothers of course." I cringed at her and she laughed.

"I thought you just said you thought of them as your brothers."

"Just Jacob. Not Bradley though, he's cute!"

"Ugh! He's the worst!" I said looking at my 14-year-old brother who stood in a corner talking to Papa. I cringed again. "Please don't!"

"I wont I just think he's cute." Gina said laughing as she looked around. "So seen your magnificent Prince lately?" She said. When I had told Gina that the Prince had came to my house she had already known. News travels fast in smaller communities. But when I told her about the tavern she was filled with excitement. She wanted to know every single detail: did he kiss you? Did he at least touch you? Did he brush back your hair? All he did was talk to you and you got goosebumps?

I smiled at her and shook my head. "I don't think I want to see him any time soon."

"Why not? Because he tried to _show_ you what sex was?" I looked at Gina in awe. She was different from other girls like me. She was comfortable saying the word sex and even knew what it was (she told me about it when I asked her). Now every time I looked at my mother, that was all I could think. She had to have…that to have the baby. I shivered and looked away.

"Oh poor little Susanna, so innocent."

"Not all of us have a young aunt who tells us all this…gross stuff." I said grumbling and placing my hands over my chest.

"No, I suppose not. But if your getting breasts then you should know this stuff." I looked down at my chest embarrassed and she chuckled. "Isn't it great?" She asked me. I had noticed that my dress fit differently now that I had started bleeding. My chest was rounder and my waist was slimmer. But I didn't think anyone else had noticed. I looked at her, my face pinker than normal and she grinned at me.

"Don't worry Susanna. Men love breasts. Aunt Molly tells me that the more skin you show the more men will want you." I looked at her confused. The vision of the whores at the tavern came to me and I frowned.

"I don't think I want to show off my skin."

"Your still young. You've got plenty of time to mature." She said and I grumbled. She was always saying that even though she was exactly two weeks older than me. The truth was that she started bleeding when she was eleven so she was now…more expirenced than I was and had _so much to teach me_. I rolled my eyes as she pulled down her emerald green dress, that her father had bought for her in town. She chest was modest yet told people that her breast were fully developed and she wasn't afraid to flaunt them.

"Be right back." She said with a wink and walked over to Bradley, who was now standing by himself. I groaned and looked away. Why couldn't my breasts be bigger like Gina's? or why couldn't I have confidence like she did? At times like this I felt myself envying Gina and felt horrible about myself.

"She's something huh?" the voice beside me made me jump. I looked over and saw Gina's cousin Andrew sit beside me. He was 16, like Jacob, only he said he wasn't mature enough to get married just yet.

"She's…brave." I said, trying to find the next best word to unbarable. He chuckled.

"I pity her sometimes." He said, running a hand threw his curly blonde hair.

"Why?" I asked, looking back at Gina who was smiling up at a blushing Bradley.

"Because she doesn't have that mother figure to tell her how to act like a lady." He said looking at his younger cousin with distaste. I thought about this statement and realized that it was true. When Gina was six her mother died in a riding accident and Gina's father turned to the bottle. He would occasionally by her things out of guilt but he never put in enough effort to care. So Gina's unmarried Aunt Molly moved in to help him raise her. My eyes flicked to Aunt Molly and I frowned. She was wearing the same scarlet silk dress as the lady in the tavern had worn. I realized now that she was the one that Jesse had danced with, the one who had stolen his kiss.

"What's wrong Susanna?" Andrew asked, looking at me concerned. I realized that my hand made up a fist and I was biting my lip.

"Nothing, sorry. I'll be right back Andrew." I said jumping up and quickly leaving the barn, glaring at Aunt Molly as I passed her. When I reached the outdoors I raced to the corn field and finally stopped running when I thought I was in the middle.

I sat on the damp dirt and sighed. It was ridiculous to be this mad about one boy. Why did I care so much who he kissed? He had never even tried to kiss me. I realized then that my problem was that. Jesse had never shown a romantic interest in me, only one of a child. I wanted him to look at me like Adam had looked at me and it made me angry when he didn't. I kicked a rock for half an hour before I got cold and decided to head back to the barn. I was going to give up on Jesse, because what were the odds that I would ever see him again?

When I got back to the barn, dinner had already started. The barn was full of noise and laughter. I looked around and spotted my parents sitting across from Debra's parents, talking and laughing. I smiled as I watched my brother and my new sister smile happily at each other.

"Susanna, over here." Andrew called. I looked over and he was sitting right at the end of the table closest to me. He had saved the spot beside him so that I could sneak back in without being seen. He had even gotten a plate of food ready for me. I sat beside him and smiled.

"I wasn't sure what you wanted, so I got you a bit of everything." He said quietly.

"Thank you I'm starving." I said, taking a bite of a piece of chicken. When I looked up Papa was looking at me. He squinted his eyes and me and I smiled. He knew that I just arrived but he chose not to say anything. He smiled, shaking his head and turned back to his own coversation.

"So…you wanna talk about it?" Andrew asked, taking a sip of his wine. I looked at my wine glass that was filled with water and frowned.

"No, you don't want to hear it. It's kid stuff." I grumbled.

"I'm the expert on kid stuff, seeing as I am one myself." I smiled at him and shook my head.

"I guess I just don't like being a kid anymore." I said with a sigh. He nodded and looked at me.

"I know the feeling." I rolled my eyes at him and he laughed. "I do. Not being able to go anywhere without permission, not being able to take a break from your chores unless your done, its horrible…I know."

"It not just that its…" I looked around for anything to use as an example other than the fact that older boys would never look at me the same way that they would look at Gina, well boys apart from Adam. My gaze fell on Andrew's wine glass. "It's things like not being able to drink wine. Momma told me that rich girls drink wine all the time, but we cant because wine is a treat for older people." Andrew looked at me and then at his glass.

"Here take this and give me yours." He said.

"No I didn't mean…"

"Just take it and put it under the table." He said offering me his glass. I looked across the table at Old Russ McDonald, who was sleeping sitting up, and took the glass. Andrew reached across the table and grabbed my glass, dumped out the water onto the clean hay and got up. He walked to the wine barrels and told the man who was in charge of the wine that he never got any. The man squinted his eyes at him and I bit on my bottom lip as he looked my way. I bit back the laughter as Andrew looked over his shoulder and winked and didn't let out my laughter until the next person had gone up to refill their glass.

"That was close huh?" he said switching glasses with me.

"I'm afraid to even take a sip." I said giggling.

"He'll never know. He can't see what's in the cup, unless he's standing over you. But this is your barn so he'll never acuse you." He said, sounding so intelligent. I smiled at him and he nodded. I looked at the dark liquid in my cup and brought it to my lips. I took a quick sip and let the flavour linger on my tongue. It was sweet yet burnt on the way down.

"Ugh! That's horrible. How do you drink that?" I said, placing my cup back on the table and Andrew laughed.

"I guess you just get used to it." He said, laughing as I smacked my lips together, trying to get rid of the tingle. Then the music started and the call for the bride and grooms first dance was made. Everyone fell silent as they watched Debra and Jacob walk to the middle of the floor, between the two tables. The music started and they danced along to the beat. After a couple minutes people started joining in and then the music became faster. Andrew smiled at me and grabbed my hand.

"Come on." He said giving my hand a quick tugg.

"No I cant dance." I said blushing.

"I've seen you dance. You can too. Come on." He said and this time I stood up when he pulled on my hand. I rolled my eyes as he pulled me into the dancing crowd and we started following the steps to the dance. I laughed so hard when either Andrew or I forgot the moves and ended up stepping on each other's feet. By the end of the third dance I was so thirsty that I went back to my seat and down the whole glass of wine.

"Don't drink it that quickly. It's not water." Andrew said once I placed the glass down on the table. I felt dizzy all of a sudden and let out a loud belch. A couple of the older women sitting close by looked at me with horror. I laughed and apologized.

"We're just going to go out for some air, right Susanna?"

"Right!" I said, letting him lead me out of the barn. We walked around to the side of the barn and sat down on an old stump.

"Its nice out here." I said, loving the way the cold air felt on my damp neck and cheeks.

"Wine makes you feel hotter." Andrew said, leaning his head on the wall of the barn. I sighed and copied him, staring at the bright stars above. I looked at Andrew and his twinkling brown eyes looked black in this light.

"Andrew…"

"Yea?"

"Do you think I'm pretty?"

"Sure." He said without even thinking about it. I frowned at him and sighed.

"No but like would you kiss me?" I said. He looked at me with raised eyebrows. "I don't think anyone is ever going to want to kiss me." I said with a sad sigh. Andrew laughed and I scowled at him. "Don't laugh! This is serious!"

"But you're so…"

"If you say young I'll punch you in the mouth." I said harshly. He bursted out laughing and I couldn't help but laugh with him.

"Why would someone kissing you prove anything?" Andrew said.

"Because, kisses to a girl are supposed to be special. They make her feel…like the prettiest girl on the world." I said, dreaming of the day when I would get my kiss. Andrew was quiet for a second and when I looked at him he was looking at the stars.

"What's wrong?" I asked him smiling. He turned to me and smiled back. Then his gaze flicked to my lips and within seconds his lips were on mine. They were soft and warm, yet wet and slippery. When he backed away I sat perfectly still, letting the excitement take over my whole body. My eyes flicked open and he was watching me, staring at my lips. I smiled at him and he smiled back.

"Prettiest girl in world?" He asked.

"I don't know you might have to do it again." I said moving close to him. He smiled, shaking his head and kissed me. If Gina had told me that she had kissed someone I would've been shocked and maybe even angry with her that she had been unlady like. But now that I had kissed someone, who I wasn't married too, I felt like it was not that much to fret about. When his hand touched my face, and he moved closer to me, I felt butterflies in my stomach. His hand got tangled in my hair and I grabbed his shirt. I don't know what happened but when the kiss was broken both of us where panting and staring at each other.

"Where did you learn to kiss like that?" He asked genuinely shocked.

"I have no idea." I shook my head. "I had never thought about it until…recently." I said, remembering seeing the people in the tavern kiss. I must've learned from watching them. He smiled at me and I smiled at him. We leaned back against the barn and I rested my head on his shoulder.

When I went to bed that night all I could think about was Andrew and the way his lips felt against mine and the way his hands had played with my hair as we sat watching the stars.

The next day I woke up in a dreamy state. I was aware that it was darker than normal, but it never fazed me. I remember Andrew walking me up to my front door and he kissed my hand good night. I watched him walk down the road, he turned around and waved to me before he disappeared behind the trees. I hummed as I climbed the dark steps and quietly undressed as I climbed into bed next to David, and tried not to kick Bradley who was sleeping on the floor. But now someone was shaking me, ruining my peace. My eyes opened and Papa was staring down at me.

"For God's sake wake up girl!" He shouted. I blinked and sat right up. There were tears on his face and he was paler than normal.

"What's wrong Papa?" I asked and he wiped his face. Then I heard a loud groan in the background and I jumped out of bed. "Momma!" I raced to her room and flung open the door.

"Quick shut the door girl." Debra's mother shouted at me and I froze. Debra, dressed like her mother in her nightgown, touched my back and closed the door for me.

"What's going on?" I whispered, unable to look away from my mother's face of agony.

"She's giving birth." Debra whispered. I thought about Papa and the calf and he had never panicked this much over animals giving birth.

"Susanna." Momma cried and I raced to her side.

"Put that cold cloth on her head and hold her hand." Debra's mother said as she looked under the blankets. "Almost time Helen." She said brightly to Momma.

"Hear that Momma. You're doing a good job." I said, trying to fight the tears. She was in so much pain, she was looking at me but never really saw me. I brushed back her matted down dark hair and wiped her face with the wet cloth that was beside the bed.

"I need…water." Momma whispered and I grabbed the jug of water and poured it into a cup. I held the cup up to Momma's lips and she gulped at it.

"Not too much Susanna. She's already been sick twice." I pulled the cup away from Momma's mouth and wiped her face again.

"Is that normal Mother?" Debra asked, holding Momma's other hand.

"Yes Debra. Ok time to push Helen." Debra's mother said, folding the blanket up. "I need you two to hold her legs for her." I looked at Debra and she grabbed Momma's foot and bent her knee so that Momma's knees were touching her stomach. So I grabbed Momma's foot and copied her. "Alright, ready. And PUSH!" All of a sudden Momma was squeezing my hand so tight that I almost screamed in pain. She let out a cry, like David did when he was pretending to be a warrior. After an agonizingly long time Momma exhaled and relaxed. She took long deep breaths and started to shake.

"Ok, one more time now…Push Helen! Push!" Debra's mother screamed. Again Momma grabbed my hand so tightly that I was sure it was broken. This time was the same as the time before and the next two pushes were the same uneventful process as the last one. After Momma stopped pushing the fourth time even I knew something was wrong.

"What's happening?" I shouted.

"The baby's having a tough time getting out." Debra's mother shouted back.

"Well cant you help it?"

"It's not…that simple." She said biting her lip, I looked at my mother's face and said a quick prayer to make it end quickly. When she was told to push again, Momma pushed harder this time. Debra's mother smiled slightly, "Good, the head is out. Good job Helen. One more push and you'll have your baby."

"I can't…"Momma panted.

"Yes you can." She answered back.

"No, I'm too tired." Momma said, making tears spring into my eyes. I let go of Momma's leg and touched her face.

"Momma, you can do this. I know you can. You've have 4 babies already. What's one more?"

"I'm tired Susanna." She begged.

"One more push and its done, right?" I looked at Debra's mother and she nodded back. "One more push Momma. You can do it." She looked at me and sighed.

"Ok." I smiled, wiped the tear that had fallen from my cheek and grabbed onto her leg again. This time when Momma pushed the baby came sliding right out. It was covered in blood and white chunks but she was beautiful. Debra's mother passed her to Debra and she wrapped her in a old towel. I held Momma's hand and watched as they quickly cut the umbilical cord and tied a string on the end. She let out a loud shriek and my heart melted.

"Here that Momma. She's perfect." I said, kissing Momma's hand. She smiled at me slightly and then closed her eyes taking a deep breath. "Is she ok?" I asked Debra. She looked her over, checking her breathing, looking up her nose and in her screaming mouth.

"She looks perfect." Debra said smiling at me. Tears streamed down my face and I looked at Momma. Her face was calm and white as a ghost. "Momma, she's fine, look. You can hold her now." I said brightly, but when she didn't respond I felt my stomach clench. "Momma?" I gave her a little shake and stared at her.

"Back away girl." Debra's mother said pushing me to the side, but I never let go of her hand. After a couple of silent minutes Debra's mother looked up at Debra and Debra burst into tears.

"No." I said. Both women stared at me with tears in their eyes. "NO!" I screamed again and stared at my mother. "NO MOMMA NO! You cant! NO!" Tears poured down my face as my heart broke into a million pieces. I felt two hands on my arms and I fought them off. "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" I grabbed onto her face. I kissed her cheek and then the other. "Momma please. Come on Wake up. Look at the baby! Please." I was pushed back so hard that I hit the wall, forced to let go of Momma's hand. I watched as my father scooped her into his arms, the hand that had just squeezed mine, hung limply at his side.

Papa never came out of the room after that. He stayed in there even after the undertaker had collected Momma's body, even after we had buried her under the oak tree where she hung the laundry, even when Mary McDonald moved in to be the baby's wet nurse. The house was in a dull state. No one talked, no one sang, everyone just went around getting the chores done. Every day Debra and I would make the meals and then I would bring up a plate to Papa, if he chose to eat then he would but he normally just laid in bed and picked at the food.

One day, when Christmas had passed and the snow was starting to melt, Papa sat up when I entered.

"Susanna?" he said his voice groggy.

"Papa?" I asked in disbelief. He patted the bed beside him and I hesitated before I sat down. "What is it Papa?"

"I want to see the baby." He said.

"Are you sure Papa?"

"Yes. Will you bring her to me?" He asked and I nodded. This was the first flicker of hope that would bring us all back to life. I raced down to the sitting room where, Mary was sitting by the fire patting the chubby 6 month old baby's back.

"She's all full and ready for bed." Mary said cheerfully.

"Great. May I take her upstairs?" I asked holding out my arms. Mary looked at me skeptically.

"Why?" She asked holding the baby closer to her chest.

"Is it any of your business why? She's more of my baby than yours!" I said snatching her away. I hated being rude to Mary, but she was starting to think she owned this baby. She had lost her baby around the time that our baby was born so finding her was a gift from God and she had been very good until recently. The baby started smiling and sitting up, indications that she would soon be able to drink cows milk and Mary would not be needed any more. Debra, who is now 4 months pregnant, figures that it is fear of losing a baby all over again.

I raced upstairs, smiling at the beautiful baby in my arms and telling her that Papa wanted to see her. When I knocked on Papa's door, it opened and he had lighten a candle. He looked up at me and his gaze landed on the baby. His thin, shallow face didn't change expression even when he held out his hands to hold her. I placed her in his arms and he looked down at her face. A tear rolled down his cheek and he sniffed.

"What have you called her?"  
"We weren't sure. Momma never told us. We've been calling her…Helen." I felt like I was standing on extremely thin ice that could crack if I breathed the wrong way.

"No. You cant call her that. Her name is supposed to be Agnes." I looked at him confused.

"Agnes?"

"Yes after Saint Anges, you're mother's patron saint." He said sadly. He traced the baby's chubby cheek and she laughed at him. "She's beautiful."

"Yes." I said smiling, tears streaming down my face.

"But we cant keep her." He said and I stared at him.

"What do you mean? She's our baby?"

"We don't have enough people to care for her."

"I can do it Papa. I know how." I said, my heart breaking all over again.

"No Susanna. You're still too young."

"No Papa! I promise I can do it. Let me prove it to you. Please,"

"NO!" he shouted. Startling the baby and causing her to cry. He held her out to me and I swooped her up in my arms and held her close to my chest. "Tell Jacob that he can have her."

"But his wife is having their own baby. Please Papa."

"Susanna." His tone was strained and he was going to snap at any second. "Tell Jacob to take her and raise her as his own. But she has to be called Agnes. Tell him that when his house is done in two weeks that I want them out."

"But Papa, he's family."

"Until then, I'm staying in here." He said blowing out the candle and dismissing me. I stared at his dark shadow that had lain back down on the bed. "Good night." He said and I slowly backed out of the room. I closed the door behind me and stared down at the silent baby.

"He does love you." I told her. As if her heart was broken too a single tear rolled down her cheek.


	5. Snowfall

"Are you ok?" She said, her eyes peering at me, as she kneeled beside my bed. I blinked a couple of times before I actually saw her face. I studied the familiarities and unfamiliarites and felt my heart pick up speed. Her face was pale with worry as she studied mine. "Are you alright?" She asked again and I could practically hear her thoughts. What will happen to me if she's seriously hurt or how am I going to explain this one? I smiled and nodded at her.

"Just a little dizzy. I think I need just a little bit more sleep." I said, pulling the blankets higher on my chest. I closed my eyes and thought about how just a few years ago I was in her spot; she was me back then. Well…sort of.

I sighed as I watched the snow flakes gently float towards the earth, which was already covered in a thin layer of white. Christmas was a little over a month away and already it was snowing. I smiled remembering how excited I used to get when I saw the snow. It meant endless amounts of snowball fights with my brothers and building snowmen and snow forts. But now, at 16, the snow only means colds and illness and keeping the fire going, and everyone sleeping together in the kitchen surrounding the fire.

A giggle pulled me from my thoughts and I looked towards fireplace where the two small children sat, with their heads together whispering. I smiled as I watched them attempt to fold the washing that I had given them, when all they wanted to do was go out and play in the fresh snow. They looked up at me and smiled.

"Auntie Susanna?" Her green eyes twinkled.

"Yes Aggie?" I asked, looking back down at the tub of washing.

"Will we be able to go out and play in the snow before it gets dark?" Her eyes flicked to her brother and he smiled brighter. I squinted my eyes at them and then smiled.

"You finish those and then we'll go out."

"You'll come too?" he asked, his blue eyes wide with shock.

"Of course Samuel. I love playing in the snow." I said looking out the frosty window again. "We'll have to check on your mother before we go out though." I said, looking at their faces. 4-year-old Aggie's forehead creased. She had been awake all night worried about her mother, or Debbie, while Debbie screamed and moaned as she birthed her third child. This child, unlike her last baby was alive and healthy, and a boy. Aggie has been excited when first thing this morning she got to hold her brother, but she still scampered up the stairs to check and see if her mother was warm and the baby was happy.

Samuel on the other hand paid no attention. At three years old no one would expect much more. When Jacob had let the children into the room to see them, Samuel stood beside him and watched as Aggie held out her tiny pink arms to hold the baby. I watched as Samuel inched closer to look at his brother and after getting a good look at the baby he shrugged and climbed up next to Debbie, resting his head on her shoulder and watched Aggie smile down at the baby. They were a cute little family and I knew Momma would be very proud of them. But a lot of the time I felt the weight of Aggie's secret bearing down on me. When she called me Auntie it made me cringe and I felt a pain in my heart, but knew that it was not my place to reveal the truth.

"Auntie?" Samuel said, appearing at my side. I bent down and picked him up.

"Yes darling?"

"When Christmas come?" He asked, his little teeth sparkling white.

"Soon enough." I said. "But you must be good or else no presents. So go on now and finish the folding." I said kissing his chubby cheek and setting him back on the ground. His blonde curls bounced as he raced to Aggie's side and started folding one of his father's shirts.

Half an hour later, with my assistance, the children were finished the folding and we had visited Debbie, who was starting to get her colour back. I wrapped each of the children in their wool outfits and a large fur coat, mittens and hats and we were set for the snow.

I love the feeling of the cool air on your face and the smell that the snow gives the world around you. I stood in the doorway of the kitchen and just inhaled the smell of the first snowfall. Samuel and Aggie let out two identical squeals and raced into the falling snow, his blonde curls hidden by a hat and her long black hair dancing behind her. I smiled as I watched both children plop to the ground and instantly start making snow angels. I lifted my face to the sky and stuck out my tongue.

"Auntie? What doing?" Samuel asked, pulling on my skirt. I smiled down at him, snowflakes in my eyelashes.

"Catching snowflakes on my tongue." I said.

"Why?" Aggie asked, sitting up from her snow angel.

"Because it's fun. You try." I said, showing them how to do it. I twirled in one spot, my face to the sky and the children laughed and followed along.

"This is fun." Aggie said. "But they don't have a taste." She said, smacking her tongue off the roof of her mouth. I laughed and her and picked up a pile of snow. I threw it in the air and they both squealed, following my example and started throwing snow in the air some more. Just when I wasn't expecting it a pile of snow hit me in the face. I blinked and wiped the cold off of my face and looked at Aggie's smiling face. I growled playfully and stuck out my hands.

"I'm gonna get you missy." I said racing after her. She squealed and started running away.

"Catch me! Catch me!" Samuel cried and I turned away from Aggie and chased after him. It went back and forth for 10 minutes before I got too tired and sank into the snow. Both of the children sank into the snow beside me, laughing and out of breath. I held out my covered hand and let the snow land on it.

"Look at the different shapes." I said, enticing them. They leaned in and studied the little flakes on my hand.

"None of them are the same." Aggie observed.

"Their like people then." I said and she looked at me confused. "Every single on is different." She smiled and rolled her eyes. Samuel grinned at me and then flopped onto his back starting yet another snow angel. I picked up a pile of snow and dropped it onto his face, before getting up and dashing away. As we chased each other around the yard, squealing and laughing I never noticed the person standing amongst the bushes watching us. It wasn't until Aggie almost fell into the bushes that I spotted him.

When his eyes met mine, I froze. Samuel, who was chasing me ran right into my legs and fell over. Tears formed in his eyes and his bottom lip quivered. I bent down and picked him up, comforting him yet never looking away from those eyes. Aggie inched closer to me; she too was attracted to those eyes, unable to look away. He stepped into the clearing and smiled.

"Remember me?" He said, smiling brighter. I nodded, unable to speak. "You've grown up a lot." He said, looking over me. He looked at Aggie and then his smile faded.

"Are these your children?" he asked and I couldn't help the laugh that slipped between my lips. He smirked and his eyebrow rose.

"I was just a girl when we last met, not very much older than her." I lied, but he didn't need to know.

"Well you didn't look like a girl." He said, moving closer to me. "How old are you now?"

"16, sir." I said uncomfortable by his distance. I bowed my head and looked at Aggie in the corner of my eye.

"Well, it is nice to see you again." He said catching on to my feelings he took a step back. I looked up and he smiled.

"What, if I may, are you doing here?"

"I was on my way to town and I was in a hurry so I thought I should take a shorter path, cutting through people's farms. But alas, I am lost."

"Did you walk?" I asked, shocked. If my feet were frozen from playing in the snow for almost an hour then his would be so much worse. He smiled, that same pitying smile.

"No, I tied my horse to a tree back there when I heard a shout." He looked at Aggie and smiled. "I rushed over to see if some pretty lady needing rescuing. But your sister doesn't seem so scary anymore, does she?" He asked her bending down to Aggie's level.

"She's not my sister." Aggie peeped.

"No?" He looked from her strong, determined face to my guilty one and shrugged.

"I'm her aunt." I said, trying not to show my deception. He looked from Aggie's face to mine again and smiled.

"Well, your aunt is definitely not scary, is she?" Aggie smiled and shook her head.

"Susanna?" I turned at the sound of my voice. "Who is that you have with you?" Papa said, appearing at the kitchen door.

"It is Mr. De Silva Papa, remember? The boy who travelled with the prince years ago?" I shouted walking towards him.

"So it is." Papa said, eyeing Jesse carefully. Jesse had not changed very much. In the years that we had not seen each other, he had grown a small beard and his eyes were tired. But he still had that playful crooked grin and those beautiful eyes. "Come inside for some tea." Papa said, turning and disappearing into the house. I looked at Jesse who stood beside me and he smiled.

"My father is getting worse with his hospitality as he gets older." I joked and Jesse smiled. "Bring your horse to the barn and I'll get the tea ready." He nodded and went back into the woods.

The kittle whistled as the water reached boiling and I pulled it from the fire. I added the tea leaves to the kettle and waited for the tea to steep. As the tea was just finishing voices appeared in the hallway.

"It's so good of you to stop by." Papa said as he entered the kitchen.

"It was purely coincidental." Jesse said, smiling at me. "It seems that all roads lead to your welcoming house."

"Well I'm glad to hear that it is still welcoming." Papa said, groaning as he sat in a chair by the fire. "Unfortunately, we haven't had many visitors since my wife died years ago."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Was it sudden?" He asked, a sincere crease in his forehead.

"Childbirth." Papa said, his gaze drifting off. I felt my heart quicken as that same pale expression appeared.

"But we're getting through it quite fine, aren't we Papa?" I said handing him a cup of tea.

"Oh yes, of course." He said, jumping awake from his daydream and taking the cup. Jesse nodded to me as I handed him a cup.

"Where are the children?" Jesse asked, looking around the small kitchen.

"Their mother is up stairs." I said, pouring another cup of tea for Debbie.

"She has just had a child." Papa explained and I felt my cheeks heat up. "Last night actually."

"Congratulations. How many grandchildren does that give you?"

"2 living. Would've been three but some things don't work out that way." I blanked as Jesse studied my father's face over his teacup.

"He means three. He considers Aggie his daughter because, like you've seen she and I look a lot alike." I explained, hoping that he would think my pink cheeks were from the warm fire. He studied my face and then nodded. "I should go and take this up to Debra. Papa you'll be ok?" I sent him a hidden warning, telling him not to say too much. He nodded and looked into the fire. I nodded to Jesse and left the room, feeling his eyes watch me leave the kitchen.

"Is he handsome?" Debbie asked, gritting her teeth as she tried to sit up. I smiled and shrugged.

"He's always been handsome."

"But…" She grinned at me and I sighed.

"He's more…manly now." I said, trying to hide my smile. I looked down at the baby in my arms and traced his face with my finger. He looked just like his brother, the same blonde hair, pale eyelashes, and chubby cheeks.

"What about Andrew?" Debra asked, sipping the tea delicately.

"He…he is a nice man. Kind and gentle."

"But not exciting." She said finishing my thought. I smiled at her and sighed.

"I just don't know if I could ever love him more than the way I do now. Like love him as my husband, rather than…"

"A lover?" Debra chuckled at my shocked face. "Come now Susanna, I know how cold the winter's can be and how nice it is to have a warm body on top of you, fighting that cold." I gasped.

"Debra!" She laughed again, cringing with pain. "I can say that I have never experienced that before." As I spoke my cheeks went hot and I knew they were bright red.

"Maybe not…but you've come close to it." She smirked as she held her cup to her mouth. I smiled at her and looked back at the sleeping baby.

"I'm not ready for one of these yet." I said, holding him up slightly, feeling his urine soak through the nappy. I placed him on the bed and unwrapped him like a parcel. His eyes flicked open as the cool air hit his bare skin and his bottom lip quivered. I grabbed a clean nappy that was beside my bed on the night table. Jacob had brought the children and his wife over to our house when she had started moaning about the pain. He wanted to have her close to someone, after losing their last baby. So I offered up my room, which had a small fireplace to keep them warm and slept in the kitchen with the rest of my family.

The baby let out a howl as I pinned the nappy to place and started wrapping him in a clean blanket. I passed him to his mother who opened her shirt and fed him her breast, silencing him almost instantly.

"What are you calling him?" I asked looking away, trying to give her privacy.

"Nathaniel."

"Bible names." I said, thinking of Samuel.

"I thought of your mother when I chose those names." She said quietly. Momma carried her bible with her everywhere, reciting scripture to us when we needed scolding and educating us on Jesus' trials. Papa used to make jokes about how she was meant to be a nun but had certain cravings that were forbidden in the convent. At the time I never understood why she would blush and then hit him, but now…it made me smile.

"So tell me more about this young man down stairs. I guess I should get up and meet him."

"In your state. I don't think so. You can meet him another time." I said, getting up and gathering the soiled clothes.

"You expect him to stop by again?" She asked giving me a sly smile.

"I expect so." I said smiling back and opened the bedroom door.

"Just remember, cold days normally lead to crying infants." She said laughing. I shook my head and closed the door behind me, trying to get the idea out of my mind.

Dinner came and went without a problem. Papa and Jacob talked with Jesse for hours about working in the castle as the future kings right hand man. Jesse explained for the King was very ill and wasn't expected to live for very much. He talked with great sadness of the affect that it was having on his friend, the prince. As I cleared the plates away Papa, Jacob, Bradley and David went back out to lock up the barn and get every thing ready for the next day.

"Auntie?" Samuel asked carrying the loaf of fresh bread to the oven. "Why Uncle Bradley quiet?" I looked at him with a frown. This child had a gift for sensing when someone was upset.

"I'm not sure darling, but you shouldn't ask him. It will only make him more quiet." Samuel frowned and Aggie wrapped an arm around his shoulder.

"Don't worry Sam, he's always quiet." She said and I bit back a laugh.

"Alright you two, go and get you're night gowns on." I said patting their bums as they raced by. I scrapped the left over food into a bucket and put the dishes into the tub of ice-cold water.

"You'll make a good mother one day." Jesse said, appearing beside me.

"I hope so." I said with a sigh. Then I felt my face turn pink and I bowed my head to hide my embarrassment. He chuckled.

"Here let me do that." He said taking the cloth from my hands and inching me out of the way.

"No please. You are a guest here."

"I insist." He plunged his hands into the water and gasped. "Jesus Christ that's cold." I smirked as his hands came out of the water bright red. I took the cloth from him and resumed my position.

"You mustn't say that word in this house." I said, fighting back the urge to cringe at the cold water.

"Why not?" He asked, holding out another towel. I passed him a wet dish and he dried it with the towel.

"My mother's ghost will haunt you." I said with a smirk. I looked up at him and realized how close he was to me. His eyes were brighter than I remembered. They were brighter than the sky on a clear summer day and I noticed the ring of green he had around the middle of his eye.

"Will she now?" He said, moving closer to me, his mouth in the perfect position.

"If you want to." I said without even thinking. I felt myself being sucked into his eyes, his lips, and his smile. As his lips were inches from mine, his breath on my lips, the door slammed open with a gust of wind and a snowy figure appeared in the doorway.

"My goodness it's cold out there." Said the figure rubbing his hands together. His hood dropped down, revealing his face and I smiled.

"Andrew!" I said, throwing the towel into the water and running to him. I through my arms around him and held onto him tightly. My hands were still shaking and the butterflies in my stomach were making me nauseous.

"Good to see you too." He said, holding me tightly. The coldness of his hands seeped in the fabric of my dress and shivers ran up and down my spine.

"My goodness your cold. Come and sit by the fire." I said, grabbing his ice-cold hand and leading him to the chair beside the fire. He sat down and undid his coat, which I took and hung on a wooden peg on the door. "What are you doing here?" I asked, brushing his long blonde hair back from his face, and kissed his cheek.

"I was visiting dear Gina." He said, giving me a sad smile. I frowned and turned away.

"How is she?" I asked, poking at the fire.

"She's well…the baby's fine too." He said quietly. I sighed as I studied the fire and thought about Gina. After following her Aunt's advice Gina had started flirting with boys at a young age. She would talk about how they kissed her and then it would progress to how the touched her and eventually she told me that she had let one of them take her innocence, which she really never had. Shortly after moving to town with her aunt, Gina became pregnant and was shunned by the town. She moved back in with her father, who barely spoke to her and is now raising the small little boy all on her own. My father forbade me from meeting with her and the only contact that I had from her was letters passed along threw Andrew. A cough behind me made me realize that Jesse was still there.

"Oh Andrew, this is Sir Jesse De Silva, the Prince's right hand man." I said with a smile. "Jesse this is my…Andrew." I said stopping not knowing what to call him. Andrew looked up at my briefly before getting to his feet and shaking hands with Jesse.

"I see she's got you working." He said looking at the dishes that Jesse had piled up.

"I was helping him." I defended, with a smirk. "Here you go and sit and I'll make more tea." I said, cleaning out the pot. I wrapped a shawl around my shoulders and grabbed my fur coat.

"I'll get it for you Susanna." Jesse said, avoiding looking in my eyes. "I should be going anyways."

"Oh you won't be traveling tonight mate." Andrew said, blowing on his hands. "The snow's falling too thick to see even three steps in front of you."

"Yet you made it to the door." I said, smiling at Andrew. Jesse looked from Andrew to me and that crease appeared in his forehead again.

"Well let me go and fill that for you." He said, wrapping his own coat around himself and gently taking the kettle from my hands.

"Thank you." I said quietly. He nodded, briefly looking into my eyes and left the building into the raging snowstorm.

"He seems nice." Andrew said, holding his hands to the flame. "How'd you meet?"

"It's a long and boring story." I said with a sigh. He looked at me and then smiled. He patted his knee and I shook my head with a smirk. I walked over to him and sat on his knee, wrapping my arms around his shoulders.

"I've missed you." He said, and I smirked.

"You've only been gone three days."

"That can be a long time when you're in love." He said his smile was not successful in hiding the seriousness his eyes were saying. I smiled slightly and brushed his hair back. "You do love me don't you?" He asked. I touched his unshaven cheek and studied his brown eyes.

"Of course I love you." I said. "I'll always love you." Just not in the way you want me too, I thought. He studied my face and then smiled. I bent down and kissed him gently. His familiar lips were warm and gentle, but they held none of that excitement as the first time I had kissed him. As a young girl, kissing Andrew was what I had lived for. But as I got older I lost the interest in just kissing Andrew and it started to become boring. I found myself trying to make it exciting by kissing his neck or running my hands all over him. But eventually Andrew realized how fast it was moving and would grab onto my hands stopping me from what I was trying to do.

This time was no different. As I felt myself want more, my tongue dipped into his mouth and he met mine with a gentle greeting. I ran my fingers threw his hair, giving it a slight tug, which I knew he liked because he would grab my waist tighter and pull me closer. His breath would pick up and a hardness would form in his groin. One time, I attempted to follow Gina's advice and touch him, help him as she called it. He got so mad at me that he didn't talk to me for a whole week. It was then that I realized we were not compatible.

I broke the kiss and stood up, sighing as I went back to the washbasin. He looked at me concerned, confused as to why I suddenly ended the passion. I avoided looking at his face and focused on the dishes.

"Did Gina give you a letter for me?" I asked my eyes flicked up to his confused expression.

"No. She said she's been too busy to write." He mumbled, touching his lip still trying to figure it out. I sighed and placed the last dish on the towel to air dry. The door opened causing snow and cold air to enter the kitchen, along with 5 snow covered bodies.

"Susanna, put the kettle on." Papa ordered. "Make it a full pot we're gonna have a full house tonight." He said, tearing off his hat and throwing it on the table. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, telling myself not to get angry.

"Papa has invited Jesse to stay the night." David explained, as he brushed the snow out of his damp red hair. I looked at Jesse horrified and he could do nothing but share the same look.

"Oh, well of course. You wouldn't want to ride back in that weather." I said giving my best smile. He held out the pot for me and I took it, shivering as his hand touched mine.

"We'll sleep in this room tonight." Papa said. "So you should bring all the blankets and pillows you can find."

"All of us?" I asked, looking at the 6 men who were staring back at me.

"Yes Susanna all of us."

"I'll sleep with the children upstairs." Jacob said, as if that was what I was worried about.

"Ok, well…I'll go and um…" I said, turning and leaving the kitchen. How was I supposed to sleep with Andrew and Jesse in the same room?

I dressed in my night gown, but threw one of my mother's old cardigan's over my night gown so I wouldn't be too revealing. I grabbed all the blankets and pillows I could find, which wasn't very much and we set up sleeping arrangements on the floor in the kitchen. Pap laid closest to the fire, with David and Bradley beside him, and then Andrew, Jesse and Me. We surrounded the fire, each trying to get as warm as possible.

The men fell asleep rather quickly. Papa was the first to drift off, followed by my brothers and then Andrew. But Jesse I knew was not sleeping. It was his breath that was focusing on and his breath was the only one that wasn't deep and dream like. I opened my eyes and looked at his face. Just as I did this, his eyes opened too and he stared at me. I don't know what caused the smile to break over my face but it did and he smiled back. I lifted my head and looked at the others, Andrew who was pressed so close to me that I was practically sweating from his body heat. I turned back and watched him study my face.

He gently reached out his hand and I gently held on to it. A spark ignited in me when his skin touched mine and I knew that no one would ever be able to make me feel this way.


	6. Luck

Jesse left the next day, after his horse had been watered and a meal had been packed. I watched him ride away, towards the town, with a sad longing in my chest. I would never know when the next time that we would see each other would be. The only thing that kept me without thinking of him was the children, and even then I would picture what our children would look like and the pain only seemed to increase.

A week after Jesse's visit, I was sitting at the kitchen table, tending to the little Nathaniel. Debra was moving around more, which gave me more opportunities to spend time with my little nephew. I studied his tiny sleeping face and kissed his warm chubby cheek. Debra was humming to herself as she peeled a potatoe, saved from this years harvest. I looked at the younger children, who slept peacefully in front of the fire. Aggie's head rested on a pillow, while Samuel's rested on her stomach. After a day playing in the snow, anyone would need a nap. Luckily chores small enough for them to do were scarce so they could nap.

I wrapped the wool blanket tighter around the 8-day old baby and gently patted his bum. I looked up when the door opened and David rushed in.

"Shut the door!" I said, shivering at the crisp air and covering the baby better. David jumped and quickly turned around shutting the door. He shook the snow out of his hair and then turned his blue eyes on me.

"What is it David?" Debra asked him.

"I've got a letter." He said his eyes wide and bright.

"A letter? A letter for what?" Debra asked moving closer.

" Is it from a girl David?" I teased smiling down at the baby.

"No Susanna. It's for you."

"I thought you said…" I started teasing again and David sighed impatiently. He stepped towards me, holding it out for me.

"It has the royal seal on it." He said slowly, eyeing me carefully. I blinked at him, not sure what that meant.

"I-I don't know what to do." I said unaware that I was even speaking.

"Well open it silly!" Debra said anxiously. I looked at the letter in David's hand, still confused and shook my head.

"I cant." I said, looking down at the baby. Debra took the letter from David with a frustrated sigh and tore it open.

"Addressed to Miss S. Simon." She said, smiling at me brightly. "You are cordially invited to the coronation of Prince Adam McTavish, Lord of Buckingham and Future King of England. Oh good God! Susanna, they've invited you to attend the coronation!" Debra exclaimed, startling the baby.

"Shh!" I said, glancing over at the children, who never even noticed. I turned back to them. "Let me see?" I said holding out a hand and taking the letter from Debra. The king had died the night after Jesse had left. The town was forced to wear black for the week and on Sunday all work was ceased in order to mourn the loss of our king. They say that it was the king's dying wish that his son was to be crowned shortly after his death, which explained the haste in the coronation. I read over the cursive writing and blinked at the date. "Next week? It's less than a fortnight away!" I said gasping and looking horrified at Debra.

"So what's the problem?" David asked.

"I don't have a dress even thought of." I said, trying to think over all the dress designs I had thought of.

"We can go into town." Debra said. But even as she spoke, a worried crease appeared on her forehead.

"Those dresses cost a fortune!" I said with a sad sigh. "I can't go."

"Don't be ridiculous! You're going to attend this coronation if we have to steal from the neighbours just to buy material!" She said, her eyes looking over the letter again. "You get to bring a guest!" She said looking at me hungrily.

"You want to come with me, sister?" I asked. She smiled brightly and then it faded.

"I better not. I can't leave the baby." She said sadly. I looked down at little Nathaniel and for the first time I thought of how inconvenient children can be. "Besides imagine how lost the men would be with both us women gone?" She joked to hide her disappointment.

"Who will I bring?" I asked, disappointed that Debra would not be able to attend.

"Andrew of course." David said, puffing out his flat chest. I smiled at my little brother, who was so desperate to be a man.

"No, Andrew isn't the right traveling partner." Debra said coming to my defense.

"What about Papa?" I said and both looked at me with horror.

"Papa? Why would you want him to go?" David asked.

"I agree. Not that he isn't lovely, but he wouldn't have very much fun dancing and…" Debra's voice trailed off as she realized my plan. We shared a secret smile before I turned back to the baby. "He would really like to see the court I suppose."

"He's always talking about it." I said. David looked at me and shook his head.

"Well I suppose I'll go and tell him then." He said. As he shut the door, Debra raced to my side.

"You are a genius girl!" She said, kneeling beside my chair. "This way you will have more freedom."

"Yes but with my luck Papa will see right through it and send Jacob with me." I said, groaning slightly. Jacob would watch me like a hawk watches the rabbit in the field below. Debra nodded but then smiled.

"I think we should pay a visit to your young friend Gina."

"Gina? Why?" I said shocked.

"She has some…lovely dresses." Debra said smiling.

"I couldn't. They're very…"

"Grown-up." She said, her smile growing brighter. "I'm sure she wont mind. Besides she can't fit into them now anyways." She spoke with a sly smile and a twinkle in her eye. I gasped and then laughed.

"Debra, that was mean." I said and she just shrugged.

"Well it serves her right." She said, her expression indicated that she smelt something foul. Debra had never like Gina. Gina had once told Jacob that she always pictured herself marrying him, and that if he ever found himself without a wife to consider her. I was horrified and Debra was so angry, she didn't talk to my brother for a whole week. "Tomorrow, we'll take the baby into town."

"The baby? Won't he get cold?" I asked, looking down at him.

"My goodness Susanna." Debra said, shaking her head and returning to her potatoes. I smiled at her as I watched her start to hum again. Butterflies filled my stomach. I found myself trying to figure out which was more likely the cause of the nerves, seeing Jesse again or meeting with Gina after almost a year of little to no contact.

The next morning, Jacob set up the wagon for Debra and I to go into town. After promising Papa that we would be no longer than 2 hours, he let us use the horse and we were on our way. Debra held the reins while I held the baby close to me under my coat.

We arrived at Gina's house faster than I thought we would. As we rode up the way to her house I found myself remembering things from our youth. When we were five we sat under the now bare oak tree and talked about Gina's mother. Then she climbed the tree in a haste to change the subject. She stepped on a weak branch and fell out of the tree. She had to stay in bed for a week, and had two wooden sticks tied to her arm, healing the break in her bones.

At the sound of the hooves, Gina's small head appeared in the window. When our eyes made eye contact I watched hers grow wide and then shrink with a smile. She disappeared behind the badly made curtain and I looked at Debra nervously.

"Well, Good day to you stranger!" Gina called from her doorway a second later. I smiled brightly at my friend, forgetting everything that had happened. Once the buggy had stopped moving I handed Nathaniel to Debra and climbed down the wagon. I raced to my friend and hugged her tightly. She still smelt like peppermints. Her father used to joke that because she ate them all the time her body would start to smell like one big peppermint.

"It's so good to see you!" I said, holding her close. I stepped back and studied her. In the past year she had changed a lot. She went from being young, pretty and thin, to tired, wrinkly and chubby. But her eyes still shone the same way and her smile was still the same cheeky smile.

A man appeared at the wagon and I blinked at him. Gina's father had changed a lot in the year that passed to. He was very thin, and his hair was short, with patches of his scalp showing. He wore a faded blue scarf that was ripped along with his favourite old brown coat and work pants. He nodded to me, not sure if he should be happy about our surprise visit or not.

"Hello." I said smiling brightly. He studied my face and then smiled back.

"It's been a long time since you have been here." He said sadly. I walked towards him and wrapped my arms around him, as I used to as a child. To me, Horris Pickferd was always like a second father and I had never realized how much I missed him until I hugged him.

"What brings you here?" He asked, looking up at Debra in the carriage.

"I need a favour." I said shyly, looking back at Gina.

"Well come in. It's freezing out here." She said rubbing her covered arms vigorously. "You too." She called to Debra. I watched Debra bite her tongue and passed the baby down to me as Horris helped her out of the wagon.

"I'll put the wagon in the shed and water your horse for you." He said, smiling a toothless smile. I smiled back and nodded.

"Thank you." Debra said, smiling politely.

"You are going to join us, right?" I asked.

"Later. You visit with Gina first. She needs some better company." He said, that same sad expression on his face. He grabbed hold of the reins and led the brown mare into the barn. Gina smiled at us and disappeared into the house. Debra sighed and I passed her the baby.

"Lets get this over with as quick as we can." She said grumpily. I smirked and nodded.

When we entered Gina's house the first thing I noticed was the familiar feel. Like our house, Gina's front door led into the kitchen and it was apparent that they too were sleeping in the kitchen. There were blankets and pillows folded neatly in a straw basket by the fireplace. The next thing I noticed was a chubby little baby lying on the floor fast asleep. My eyes studied his peaceful face and I smiled. I looked at Gina, who was setting teacups on a tray.

"He's adorable." I said, trying not to gush. Gina looked at him and smiled at me.

"He's a handful. But you probably know, because of Samuel."

"Implying that he's a bad child?" Debra said defensively. Gina studied Debra's hard face and smirked.

"Not at all. I am implying that all boys are a handful." She said.

"He's not…"

"He does have his moments." I said, cutting off Debra, making it obvious that I was trying to make this a good visit. Gina smiled and carried the tray to the table.

"Have a seat, won't you?" she said. I sat at the table as did Debra, but she was on edge, never really relaxed. The baby let out a tiny cry and Debra, as quick as could be, covered herself with her coat and started feeding the baby. Both Gina and I sat mesmerized.

"What is it?" Debra asked when she noticed our faces.

"I'm impressed." Gina said, causing Debra to smile proudly. "It normally took me at least two minutes of a screaming baby before I could feed him."

"It gets easier. You'll see with the next baby you have." Debra said, forgetting the situation. But when she remembered her face went pale and she blinked at Gina. "I'm sorry."

"It's ok. I imagine I will marry eventually." She said sadly. I shot Debra a stern look and she frowned.

"So Gina, I have a… favour to ask you." I said trying to change the subject. Her eyes brightened and she smiled.

"Get right to it don't you?" she said with a laugh. "You haven't changed a bit."

"I suppose not." I said laughing.

"What is it? Your not pregnant are you?" She said with a smirk. At my horrified expression Gina belted out a laugh.

"Absolutely not." I said, my face heating up. I heard Debra snicker this time.

"I bet that cousin of mine has attempted to impregnate you by now. It's been what four years?" Gina asked, pouring us each a cup of hot tea.

"I-I…" I stammered.

"Yes it's been four years." Debra answered.

"But I have not…done that."

"She's wanted to, he just wants her to save her virtue." Debra teased and my face went even redder. Gina chuckled.

"He was always a good boy growing up, never one to get in trouble." She said with a look of distaste. "How much fun is life if you don't test its limits?" She asked us. I smiled and shook my head.

"You haven't changed at all either." She smiled sadly.

"Grown a little wider but other than that no."

"That's why we're here." Debra said and I looked at her horrified.

"You're here because I'm an old fat cow now?" Gina asked, trying to hide her amusement.

"No!" I said quickly. "I was wondering…if I could possibly borrow…" Gina raised her eyebrows.

"She needs a dress to wear to the King's Coronation next week." Debra said. Gina looked from Debra to me and back to make sure she had heard right. She blinked at me.

"Your going to the coronation?" She said and I nodded, looking away.

"She's grown quite close with the king's right hand man." Debra smirked and Gina squealed.

"Well look at you!" She said clasping her hands, startling the baby on the floor to awaken with a start. He let out a loud cry and Gina sighed. She picked him up and smiled at me. "Tell me all about him!" She ordered.

"There's nothing really to tell. We've just helped him out a couple of times."

"Yet he didn't invite the whole family, just you." Debra said.

"I… Only because…"

"He fancies you." Gina stated, bouncing the dark hair baby on her lap. "He wants to bring you to his bed." Debra laughed this time, and I couldn't help but smile at their laughter. Even the baby started to laugh.

"We are just friends."

"There is no such thing between a man and woman, Susanna." Gina said. I shook my head, yet was still smiling.

"So you'll need some _nice_ dresses." She said giving me a wink. Here hold Henry while I go and look. She excited passed me the baby and evaporated from the room. I looked at the baby and he studied my face carefully. His cool grey eyes looked at me with curiosity. For a second I felt like I had seen this expression before, like he had looked at me before. But then his pink cheeks puffed up and he smiled at me, showing 6 teeth and I forgot all about his eyes. I smiled back and tickled him, causing him to squirm and giggle, his brown curls bouncing on his head.

"These ones were my favourites and unfortunately they don't fit anymore." Gina said reappearing in the kitchen; her arms were filled with material of different colours and fabrics. She looked at me brightly.

"Here, go try them on."

"All of them?" I said, looking at the numerous dresses in her arms. It would take me hours to get into those dresses and then to get out of them.

"Just try one on. If one fits then the rest will." Debra said and Gina gave her a disappointed smile.

"Ok, try this one on. It will go perfectly with your green eyes." Gina said picking out the emerald green dress that was on top of the pile. I looked at it and blanked. It looked so expensive and beautiful, that I was afraid to even touch it. "Go on, take it!"

"Are you sure?" I asked, touching the soft, light material gently.

"Of course silly. These dresses were just collecting dust up there anyways." She said smiling and pushing the dress towards me.

"Go one Susanna. We told your father we would be home soon." Debra said, smiling slightly. "David has a short attention span when it comes to watching the kids." Debra explained to Gina. I smiled brightly at my friend and took the dress.

"Thank you."

"Thank me after you find out if it fits." She said, but her smile indicated that she was more than happy that she could help me out.

I took the dress and climbed the stairs very quickly. I looked at the two doors and instinctively reached for the door on the left. When I opened it I was pulled back in time. The room was bright with a large bed in the middle, covered with a flower-covered quilt. The large wooden wardrobe was still in the corner along with a long mirror that Horris had gotten in a traders deal. Apart from the cradle beside the bed, it was the same as it had been our entire lives. I sighed and closed the door.

Changing into the dress had proved to be more difficult that I had thought it would be. The dress was meant to wear a corset underneath, but I could not lace the corset by myself, so I did not put it on. I unlaced the back of the dress and stepped into it, pulling the soft green dress up over my shoulders. I slipped my arms into the sleeves and turned to look at myself in the mirror.

The dress was long, bunching up on the floor, indicating that I need heeled shoes. The bodice of the dress reached the top of my breasts and clung to my ribs nicely. The sleeves reached my elbows and white lace trimmed the edges of the sleeves. The front of the dress spilt open and a gold material could be seen underneath the split. The gold material was soft and cool against my skin, and I knew it must've been silk. There were gold beads sown into the material in a nice curvy pattern that gave the dress and extra sparkle. I looked at my self in the mirror and smiled excitedly.

I gently glided down the stairs, making sure the dress didn't fall off and that I didn't step on it. I walked into the kitchen and they both looked at me. Gina smiled brightly and jumped off her seat.

"I'll tie it for you." She said placing Henry on the floor. She started pulling on the strings before I could object and within seconds she was done.

"Now I'm impressed." Debra said and Gina laughed.

"I've done it so many times for Aunt Molly that it's become an art. " She said with a chuckle. "Ok, now twirl around for us to see." I smiled and did as she asked, feeling the way the dress moved against my body.

"Of course this is one of the dresses that you would wear when touring the castle. You wouldn't wear this one to the ball." Gina said fixing the dress carefully. I frowned at her.

"Why not?"

"Because…it's so common." Gina said. "You want people to look at you and be jealous of your dress. So on nights where you are to go dancing you are going to wear the red, blue, or pink dress. During the day you wear the dresses like this one. I think there's a yellow and a white dress like this."

"I'm going to be so lost." I said, feeling butterflies fill my stomach.

"They'll assign someone to tend to you." Gina said.

"How do you know?"

"You are a guest at the castle. They have to." Debra said.

"People are going to be so jealous when they hear that you are going to the King's coronation." Gina said, looking hungrily at me.

"So it's probably best that we don't tell them." I said giving her a stern expression.

"Oh all right. But you're taking some of the fun from my life." She sighed and looked at the dress. "It looks beautiful on you." I could feel myself beaming at her. I flung myself at her and wrapped my arms around her neck.

"You are my dearest friend and I would be at a complete loss without you!" I said hugging her tightly.

"Stop it." She said with a laugh. I hugged her tighter.

"I'm serious Gina. You have saved me today." I stepped back and there were tears in her eyes. "I will no longer stay away from you because everyone else is. I think you've been punished long enough." I said and a tear rolled down her cheek.

"Look, now I'm crying." She said laughing and wiping her face. I smiled and hugged her again.

"Stop hugging me and go change back into your old clothes. You're father will be sending the sheriff over soon." She laughed and I let go.

I kissed my friend goodbye and thanked her for the 12th time before I climbed into the buggy. I wrapped the dresses over my arm and held them as close as I was holding Nathaniel. I felt completely happy and excited and nervous; a million different emotions were running through my body that all I could do was smile. When we got home we noticed the carriage outside the house. I looked at Debra who gave me the same expression. We pulled up to the house and David came running out. He helped Debra down and then me. I noticed that it was Dr. Smith's buggy and fear took over.

"What's happened David?" I asked, studying his young face.

"Is it the children?" Debra said, heading quickly towards the house.

"No, their fine. I kept a good eye on them."

"What is it David?" I snapped.

"It's Papa." He said and I gasped, my eyes filling with tears. I handed Debra the baby and the dresses and raced into the house, not even worrying about the snow and mud that I was brining into the house. I raced up the stairs, my heart pounding against my chest and swung open Papa's door. Four faces looked at me with shock.

"What's happened?" I asked, looking from Jacob's calm face, to Bradley's annoyed expression, to Dr. Smith's kind eyes and finally resting on my fathers tired, wrinkly face.

"Your father has hurt his back." Dr. Smith said. I felt my whole body relax, despite its need for more air.

"He tried lifting a bag of oats by himself." Jacob smirked.

"Oh Papa." I said, sitting on the bed beside him. He looked away from me embarrassed. I grabbed his warm hand and held it tightly. "You've got to be more careful."

"Don't lecture me Susanna, please."

"I'll lecture you all I want. You're all I'm going to have once David grows up. He's already talking about how he's going to build his house and he's only 12." I said with a sad smile. "You need to be around for a little but longer."

"I'm not dying." Papa said with frustration yet he was amused at the same time.

"You could over exert yourself so that you do end up dying. Picking up bags of oats, at your age, is an example of how you could do that."

"Oh Susanna."

"Am I right Dr. Smith?" I asked, looking into his brown eyes. They studied my face curiously before he smiled, causing his black mustache to twitch.

"It is common for people to suffer heart failures when lifting heavy objects at a…certain age." He said carefully. Even though he was a doctor, Reginald Smith still respected his elders. For this everyone seemed to love him, also because he was willing to help anyone he could. He had moved from Kingsbridge to London after studying medicine. He has his own house in town, where a special room is designated for patients. At 20, most women would see him as a good catch, but for me he was more of a friend than anything else.

"He'll have to stay in bed for at least a week." Dr. Smith said. "Then he'll have to take it easy for a little while. Stay in the house." He said looking at Papa.

"You know what that means Papa?" I teased. "You'll be learning the women's chores." I laughed and Papa rolled his eyes and failed to hide his smile.

"You'll need to since we're short a woman for a week." Jacob said from behind me. I blanked and didn't dare look at anyone.

"Short a woman?" Dr. Smith asked.

"Susanna has been invited to the King's coronation." Jacob said and I could feel Dr. Smith's eyes studying me.

"Really? I too have been invited." He said and I looked up at him. I smiled brightly, relieved that I would know someone.

"That's wonderful. We can travel together, right Papa?" I asked, looking at him.

"Your father wont be able to go." Dr. Smith said and I frowned.

"Jacob is going instead." Papa said. I tried my hardest not to react in a suspicious manner, but I was unsuccessful.

"Why are you frowning?" Papa asked, his eyebrow rose.

"I'm not frowning." I said smiling.

"You're up to something aren't you?" He said placing his hand under my chin.

"No Papa."

"And now you are lying." He said with a laugh. "Jacob will take good care of you. And I imagine that Dr. Smith will watch out for you as well." Papa said. As if that was what I was looking for, more chaperones who actually care. "Don't worry darling, no harm will come to you."

"Alright Papa." I said smiling and kissing his hand. "You sleep now. I'll see Dr. Smith out." I said, letting go of his hand. The four of us left the room and headed down to the kitchen.

"Would you like a cup of tea?" Jacob asked Dr. Smith.

"No thank you, I'd better head out to my next patient."

"Thank you for stopping by." Jacob said, exchanging handshakes with the doctor before heading back out to work, Bradley and David trailing along behind him.

"So shall we take my carriage to the coronation?" Dr. Smith asked. "This way it will leave you're family with a means of transportation."

"Oh of course. That would be wonderful." I said, wrapping my arms around my body as I walked him to his buggy.

"It was nice seeing you again Miss. Simon." He said lifting his hat off his head. I smiled and nodded to him. But as he placed his foot on the wheel of the buggy to climb up I grabbed his arm and he stopped.

"Dr. Smith-"

"Reginald. You can call me Reginald." He said smiling at me.

"Reginald. I…I was…you wont say anything about me going to the coronation will you?" I asked, feeling my face heat up. He studied me carefully and then chuckled.

"Why are you embarrassed?"

"I feel that people would make the wrong assumptions if they learned of my invitation." I explained. He sighed and nodded.

"And their jealous looks would be hard to live with." He sympathized and I smiled.

"Yes, it would be."

"I shall carry your secret to the grave." He said, taking my hand and kissing it. "I'll see you in a week." He said and climbed into the carriage. I smiled.

"In a week." I said and waved as he drove away. As I closed the door behind me Debra laughed.

"Well either you've got the best luck or the worst." She said. I smiled at her and shook my head.

"The day was going so well and now…"

"Now you're stuck with two watchful hawks. One a brother who worries about you on a daily basis and one a doctor who is very taken with you." She said smiling and crossing her arms over her chest. I looked at the dresses that lay on the table and sighed.

"It seems everyone is taken with me these days. There must be a shortage in women." I said with a sigh, rubbing the pain out of my forehead.

"A shortage of beautiful women." Debra laughed. "Oh I loved being young."

"You are young. You're only two years older than myself." I said looking at her. She undid her cap and let her blonde hair fall down her back.

"My age is young, but my body is not. My soul feels old, like Gina. I guess that comes with children." She said sadly. Aggie and Samuel were cooing at Nathaniel, who was lying in a basket staring at them with wonder. "My advice to you… enjoy your youth and freedom, because it is snatched away from you before you know it." She said tying her hair back up into her cap. She sighed, patted her old brown cotton dress and stood up. "Time for some supper."


	7. The Castle

I woke up very early the morning of our voyage. I told myself that I needed to wake up early to make sure that I had everything ready, but really I was so excited that I barely slept that night.

I washed in the large basin, trying desperately not to wake the rest of the sleeping souls in the house. As I was getting my traveling clothes on the baby cried and there was stirring from up above. I quickly dumped the dirty water and boiled fresh water for my brother.

It felt like the day got off to an agonizingly slow morning. I had awoken so early that I had enough time to make a large breakfast and check my trunk two more times. Jacob moved at such a slow pace that I had to keep reminding him to hurry. He would then reply by patting my cheek, smiling that annoying "you're so cute" smile and tell me that Dr. Smith wasn't going to be at our house until after 10. So from 7 to 8 I played with the children. From 8 to 9 I unpacked my trunk and the repacked everything…twice. From 9 to 10 I sat in front of the window and pretended to do my sowing. But I was so distracted that every other stitch had to be taken out and redone.

"You know time will go faster if you find something to take your mind off of it." Debra laughed as I growled at the horrible stitching job. Momma would be ashamed.

"That's what I'm trying to do with this." I said tossing the fabric onto the table. She smiled.

"What do you think it's going to be like?" She asked.

"I don't know… bright, colourful, beautiful!" I sighed.

"I'm sad that I don't get to come along."

"I will tell you everything when I get back in four days." I said, feeling the nervous butterflies again.

"You have a different dress for every party?" Debra asked me.

"Plus more."

"Well, you better kiss your father before you leave."

"I did that already…three times." I blushed and she belted out a laugh. When her laughter died the sound of a horse's neigh caught my attention. My head spun around so fast that a sharp pain stabbed my neck. As I gently touched my neck I looked out the window and smiled at Dr. Smith's buggy stopped in front of the house.

"He's here!" I said, jumping out of my seat.

"Jacob looks like he already has your trunk."

"He better. I placed it by the door and then told him that that's where it was." Debra laughed at this. She grabbed my arms and kissed my cheek.

"Be careful!" She said.

"I will." I smiled brightly and then kissed Samuel and Aggie's cheeks before I raced outside. Jacob disappeared behind the buggy and Dr. Smith stopped and smiled at me.

"Miss Simon." He said, tilting his hat.

"Dr. Smith." I said curtsying. He laughed and kissed my hand.

"Have you been practicing?"

"I have." I said proudly.

"She's much better at it now then she was before." Jacob teased. I sighed and rolled my eyes.

"Ready for the trip?" He asked me and I nodded enthusiastically.

"How long will it take?"

"About two hours." He said. "We should be at the castle just in time for lunch."

"Well lets get going then, I don't want to be late." I said climbing into the carriage. I looked down at Dr. Smith and he stared at me as if I had three heads. "What is it?"

"You didn't even need help getting into the carriage." He said completely dumbfounded.

"I've never needed help getting into a carriage." I said. "Is that a bad thing?"

"No it's just, most girls…I mean women, usually require assistance." He explained, playing with the pair of gloves in his hands.

"She's not exactly a delicate flower." Jacob said as he patted one of the horses. Smiling up at me he said, "Can we spare a few minutes so that I can kiss my wife good bye?" I squinted my eyes at him and then nodded.

"Alright but make it quick. I don't have all day." I said, proud that Dr. Smith laughed at my joke. He climbed onto the seat beside me and grabbed the reins.

"Nervous?" he asked, handing me a wool blanket to cover my lap with.

"A little." I said glancing down at my firmly clasped hands in my lap.

"This will be fun." He spoke as if I saw this as a civic duty. But instead of correcting him I simply nodded and looked towards the house. When I thought Jacob would never come out, he emerged from the house, walking backwards and waving to Samuel, who was crying in the doorway.

"Everything alright?" Dr. Smith asked as Jacob climbed into the buggy on my other side.

"Yes, he's just going through a phase. Or at least that's what Debra calls it." Jacob explained, waving again as the carriage started moving. I looked behind and watched the house fade away. I sighed and looked forward to seeing a castle, and the king. But more than anything I looked forward to seeing Jesse.

As Dr. Smith had said the castle started coming into view after two hours of our journey. Windsor castle was beautiful, even from a distance. I could practically feel the festivities radiating from the place. I bit my bottom lip from squealing with excitement.

The drive up to the castle was a long one, a three-mile long drive. And with the other carriages arriving at the same time, it seemed to take even longer. But as we rode along we got to study the castle a little better.

It was the largest castle in England, built by King William the Conqueror in the 1100s. He built the castle to guard the western approaches to the capital of England. I glanced between the trees and spotted the river Thames, drifting peacefully along the cold, snowy banks. The castle was famous for the Round Tower. In the Round tower, King Edward created Order of the Garter, which was his version of the legend of King Arthur and the Round Table. I studied the round building that the high walls, and the guards that walked the grounds around us. I had never seen anything like this before. As we got to the end of the drive, I noticed a statue on a small hill.

"Dr Smith, what is that?" I asked pointing to it.

"That statue is called the Copper Horse." He said smiling at it. "It's a monument to King George the third." He said. I nodded as if I understood and studied it. There was a man riding a horse and waving, giving you a sense of comfort with his smile. I turned away as we passed through the gates and felt myself grow more and more nauseous. I was so nervous that when I went to climb out, Jacob had to help me. He looked at me carefully and held me tightly as we walked to the large front doors. A tall skinny man with a white beard and a top hat greeted us.

"Good afternoon Dr. Smith." He said nodding his head towards Dr. Smith. "Nice to see you again."

"And you Mr. Banks." He turned to Jacob and I and smiled. "I present Mr. Jacob Simon and his sister, Miss Susanna Simon. This is Arnold Banks, the castle's caretaker." Jacob nodded and I curtsied slightly.

"Well, come in out of this cold and we'll find you a nice warm lunch."

"Shall we bring in our trunks?" Jacob asked, looking back at the carriage.

"Not at all. That's what the lads are for." Mr. Banks said, tossing one of the young boys a silver coin. He caught it carefully and rushed to the carriage. Jacob looked at me for an answer but I just shrugged. "This way." Mr. Banks coaxed, leaving us no choice but to follow.

The entrance Hall was large and golden, with statues of all sorts leading up the grand staircase. I couldn't move, for there was just too much to take in. As I stood there staring I noticed all the different people that walked by and none of them were in traveling cloaks like ours. I looked at Jacob and he had noticed to, partly because one girl snacked when she looked at me.

The rest of the tour I missed because I bent my head to avoid seeing people stare at us as we walked by. After Mr. Banks explained the three wards (upper, middle and lower wards) he led us to our rooms and told us to take the staircase downstairs for some lunch. We were each given a separate room and each one was beside the other.

"Lets meet in half an hour and we'll go for some lunch." Dr. Smith said.

"Sounds good." Jacob said opening his door, which on the right side of mine, and disappeared into his room. I smiled at Dr. Smith and opened my door.

"See you." I said and went into the room. I closed the door behind me and took a deep breath. The smell of candles and feathers filled my nose. I closed my eyes and turned around. When I opened them I smiled brightly. The room was about the size of my room at home, plus David's room. The walls were painted light yellow and the floor had a white carpet on it. There was a large bed in the middle of the room with a red blanket and white pillows. There was a small fireplace, which would keep me warm at night, and a dressing curtain was set up in the corner along with my unopened trunk. I walked to the bed and touched it gently. My hand sunk into the material and I sighed. I stepped back and threw myself onto the bed. I laughed as I landed softly on the material. I sighed again and marveled in the soft, plush feeling of the mattress. It was so comforting that I closed my eyes and dreamed that I lived here every day woke up in this room every morning and roamed this castle for hours.

"It's made of goose feathers." A woman's voice startled me and I sat upright. She was wearing a black dress and a white apron. Her blonde hair was tied into a bun and her bright purple eyes twinkled with amusement.

"I-uh…" I stammered, sliding off the bed. She chuckled.

"Don't worry, I did the same thing when I first came here." She said with a smile. "My name is Cecily Thompson." She said smiling brightly.

"Susanna Simon." I said smiling and curtseying slightly, to which she repeated.

"You are here for the coronation tomorrow?" She asked as she looked around the room.

"Yes." I said. "Are you?"

"No." She said laughing at my ignorance. "I am here to help you. You're personal maid."

"Maid?" I said, my eyes growing wide. "I don't…I don't mean to offend but I do not need a maid. I'd feel…"

"You're a farm girl aren't you?" She asked, crossing her arms over her flat chest. I nodded and shrugged. "Me too. Or at least I was a year ago. I come from a family of 10, and one day my father decided that I was old enough to go out and help the family stay alive." She smiled sadly. "So here I am. Telling a complete stranger my entire life." As she spoke her face went pink and I smiled.

"I come from a family of 4. My mother died when I was 12, giving birth to my sister who we pretend is my niece because it hurt my father to much knowing that she killed my mother." I froze as the words left my mouth. "I've…I've never told anyone that before." She smiled at me and shook her head.

"Odd isn't it, how you meet one person and you can tell them all of your secrets in under five seconds." She said with a smile. I nodded and blinked at her.

"How did you get in here? I didn't even hear the door." I asked. She laughed and pointed to the fireplace. I squinted and noticed that there was a small square in the wall that was barely detectable unless you looked more closely. I smiled at her, very impressed.

"Almost every bed chamber has a secret door that only the servants enter from. We are only supposed to enter the rooms when there are vacant or when we are needed. Which reminds me, if you want to call me, pull this string." She said pointing to a piece of string that hung from a whole in the wall beside the bed.

"How does it work?"

"There is a bell in my sleeping quarters. And when it rings the person in charge of the room answers the call." She said.

"Do they work at night?" I asked.

"They work at all hours of the day." She said.

"That sounds awful." I said, frowning and she laughed.

"You get used to it. Besides I'm not in any position to be picky." She said. "See there I go again."

"I don't mind. One poor girl venting to another is common where I come from." I joked and she laughed.

"Would you like me to do anything for you, before I go?" She asked.

"I…I do need help getting into my dress." I said, looking at my trunk. She smiled at me and opened the trunk.

"These are beautiful." She said staring at all the colours.

"I borrowed them from a friend." I said. "You can have one if you would like." She stared at me with wide eyes.

"I couldn't possibly." She said staring at the dresses. "I would have no where to wear them."

"Well I'll give you my address and if you need a dress I'll send one to you. They'll just get dusty in my closet anyways." I said, smiling as I remembered Gina saying the same thing.

"Which one are you wearing?" She asked, looking up at me.

"I think I'll wear the green one. But I only have one corset so we'll have to be careful with the strings." I said with a laugh and started untying my cloak.

When I finished dressing I thanked Cecily and left the room. I touched my bare neck self-consciously. I was so used to wearing a cap that having my hair in just a bun felt like I was too exposed. I knocked on Jacob's door and was answered with a loud snore. I smirked and shook my head before heading across to Dr. Smith's door. He answered his door rather quickly. He was wearing a black dress coat and a white shirt with black pants, shiny black boots and a tall black top hat. He looked like a doctor that was going to a funeral. I smiled at him and nodded.

"You look lovely." He said, looking at the green dress that I had tried on at Gina's house.

"Thank you. You look very nice too." I said. He closed the door behind him. "Jacob not joining us?" He asked, looking at Jacob's door.

"This is Jacob's first time away from the farm and the baby. He needs some rest." I said with a laugh. Dr. Smith nodded and held out his arm for me to take.

"Ready?" He asked.

"I hope so." I said and slid my arm through his.

"My man servant was telling me that dinner will be served at six and then music shall be played at seven for anyone who likes to dance and socialize. Tomorrow night is the large celebration, which will then lead on to the next night. And then we go home." He said.

"Don't say that. You're rushing this trip. I just want it to go slowly, I want to see everything I can." I said smiling brightly. He studied my face and then nodded.

"I'll see what I can do." He said and led us down the staircase. This time I took in my surroundings and people smiled at us as we walked past them.

"I feel like I'm an imposter." I said, through a false smile.

"Just pretend that you are these people and you will fit right in. Forget about that beautiful house and think that you are the richest lady in town and being in some of these people's presence is a chore." He said and I gasped with laughter.

"Reg, that's horrible!" I said laughing.

"Well that is how these people think. To blend in you have to think that way."

"My mother would kill me if she saw me act like that." I said with a final laugh. "But I suppose as long as I'm _pretending_, she wouldn't mind too much." I said and he laughed this time. He laughed so loud that an older man and woman turned to see what was so funny. When they spotted us they too smiled and nodded a greeting.

We entered the dining hall and noticed the little trays of desert lined up along the wall beside us. He smiled at me and led me towards the table, but I was too busy searching the crowd to think of food. Every dark head, every male laugh, every pair of blue eyes made my heart jump until I realized that none of them were Jesse. At one point I was so tempted to go and ask for him, but with Dr. Smith so close by I didn't want to risk anything.

As I picked up a small cake with white icing, that was the size of my palm, a young lady with dark brown eyes and bright red hair approached us. She wore a dark purple dress with white beads that sparkled in the lights and had long sleeves to keep her arms warm. She curtsied to Dr. Smith and I and smiled at him.

"How are you?" She asked him, studying his face carefully. He looked at me, his face pale and then looked back at the girl.

"I'm fine thank you, how are you?" He asked and then girl laughed.

"You don't remember me do you?"

"I…" He studied her face and I smirked.

"Penny, Penny Ward." She said, placing a hand over chest. At this Dr. Smith's face lit up.

"No! Penny? You've changed so much!" He said taking a hold of her hands and twirling her around. She giggled and laughed as he studied her closely. "Susanna, this is Penny Ward, my best friend as a child."

"Some best friend if you cant even remember her name." I teased as I smiled at the girl. She didn't look older than I did and she stared at his face as if it was the only thing to look at. I smiled and looked away.

"I don't mind." She said, practically gushing admiration. "I'm sorry, your name is?" She said frowning at our lack of introduction.

"Susanna Simon." I said smiling at her. Her eyes flicked to Dr. Smith and there was a crease in her forehead.

"Susanna and her family are patients of mine." He explained and Penny nodded. "So tell me all about yourself. How are your parents?" He asked and I felt a yawn coming on.

"I'm just going to get a drink." I said, excusing myself and leaving the pair alone. I smiled at men and women I passed and got a glass of pink punch. It tasted sweet yet sour at the same time. I took my new favourite drink and sat on a chair that was placed against the wall and watched people interact with each other.

I learned a lot from just watching. One man was drunk, but was trying to hide it by drinking large amounts of my pink juice. Another was eyeing a young blonde girl, while his wife stood beside him talking away without even noticing. Then there was the girl who looked younger than me, who stood beside her parents and was obviously pregnant. I shook my head and tried not to judge her because my friend had been in the same situation and I had promised not to judge anymore.

I watched Dr. Smith interact with Penny, who kept laughing loudly and touching his arm. I smiled, trying to rid the feeling of jealousy and loneliness that was rising in my chest. Jesse was nowhere to be found and I had the sinking feeling that I wouldn't get the chance to see him. As my eyes filled up with irrational tears, a man sat beside me. I quickly wiped my face and smiled at him. He was a priest, I noticed from his white collar and his brown outfit. He sighed and smiled at me. His hair was once dark but now was streaked with grey. His blue eyes were tired and bright, with wrinkles and laugh lines that characterized his face.

"Hello Father." I said politely.

"Hello. How are you this afternoon?" he asked.

"Fine." I said giving my false smile. He frowned at me.

"Why are you sitting over here in the corner all by yourself?"

"I…I'm just taking in the scene. I've never seen…" I stopped myself unsure if I was supposed to continue my charade to a man of God.

"It is something to see isn't it? The difference between the way the wealthy interact and the way the poor interact." He said with a sad smile. "The poor people seem to be more sincere and caring." I nodded as I watched two women laugh, but neither smile reached their eyes. "I grew up away from the castle too." He said and I blushed. "Dear girl, don't be embarrassed to be who you are."

"I'm not embarrassed about being a…poor girl." I said. "I'm embarrassed that I tried to hide it." I said and he smiled.

"Finally someone who speaks the truth." He grinned and I felt drawn into his smile. His teeth were a miracle from God. They were perfectly straight and the whitest teeth I had ever seen. He noticed my staring and smirked. "What? Is there something stuck between my teeth?"

"No, they're perfect." I said and he laughed.

"Yes, I've heard. One of God's many gifts to me I guess." He said looking away.

"Are you visiting Father…?"

"Father Dominic and no. I am in charge of St. George's chapel right next to the Round Tower."

"I see. Is it difficult, living here and trying not to get swept into it all?" I said waving my hand around the room.

"Sometime temptations are stronger than others, but I have been in close relations with the royal family for most of my life. I feel that it is God's will that I stay and help the new king in any way I can." He said with a tired smile. "But I should be going, mass is at five o'clock this evening, if you would like to attend." He said, gazing down on me, daring me not to accept.

"Of course. I hope that I will not get lost." I said with a laugh and Father Dominic smiled.  
"Just follow the angels." He said looking up. As I followed his gaze I noticed the angels painted in the ceiling, leading out of the room.

"Do all the ceilings have them?" I asked, but got no reply because Father Dominic had disappeared into the crowd without another word.

After dragging Jacob to the five o'clock mass with me, we got ready for dinner in a rush and headed down to be seated. What we found out was that, like lunchtime, the dinner was set up as a buffet, to keep the formality of ceremonial dinner a secret. Dr. Smith disappeared into the crowd in search for his recently discovered friend and I chatted with people that Jacob and I met.

There was still no sign of Jesse, even at dinner. But then again Adam, the future King was not at dinner either. When I asked a guard where the king was he told me that no one is allowed to see the king before his coronation, unless asked for. So I sighed and told myself to be patient and wait for the coronation the next day.

The dancing started at seven, as was planned, and I danced with a couple men, none that I took a particular interest in. When asked what my bloodline was, I always froze, or stammered. I was supposed to blend in but I felt like because of my lack of noble blood, I stuck out. At 9 o'clock I found myself exhausted and I went back up to my room.

Cecily was waiting in the room, fixing up a porcelain bowl with a small white towel and a pitcher of hot water.

"How was it?" She asked as she poured the water into the bowl. I sighed and turned around for her to untie my dress.

"It was alright. Different from the parties back home, but alright."

"They kept asking you about your blood?" She said from the other side of the screen.

"Yes." I said with a tired sigh.

"Tell them you are from France. You're father is a wealthy jeweler who sells the king the jewels that were put into the crown."

"But isn't it the same crown that the king's wore before him."

"The one that will be used for the ceremony is, but not the one that he will wear after."

"What if I meet the actual jeweler?" I asked stepping away from the screen and turning so she could untie my corset. She handed me my nightgown and smiled.

"He died on the way here. Besides you're his daughter remember?" I smiled as she laughed. I slipped the nightgown over my head and yawned. I splashed the hot water onto my face and rubbed the dirt off of it. After drying my face with the towel, and yawning for the thirteenth time, I climbed into the bed and closed my eyes.

"Would you like me to brush the tangles from your hair?" Cecily asked.

"No thank you. I'm too tired tonight. But maybe in the morning?" I asked opening one eye and smiling at her. She nodded and picked up the dirty water.

"As you wish." She said.

"Ceecee?" I said, too tired to say her full name. 'Do you think I stick out here?" I said, turning on my side to look at her.

"I don't think you do. If anything you blend in very well." She said with a smile. "And Ceecee?" She asked and I smirked.

"It's a nickname." I said with tired grin.

"Does that mean I get to call you Susie?" She chuckled and opened the door.

"If you'd like." I yawned.

"Goodnight Susie." She said.

"See you in the morning Ceecee." I said. As the door clicked closed the world faded around me and I fell into the best sleep that I have had in my entire life.


	8. The Coronation: Pt 1

A loud bell startled me awake and I sat up. I blinked at the bright sunlight and looked around at my unfamiliar surroundings. I had forgotten where I was and for a brief second I was scared. When I remembered, I lay back down and smiled. The bell rang in the background and I let out a long yawn and stretched. The secret door opened and Ceecee appeared.

"Oh your awake." She said with surprise.

"How can anyone sleep through that?" I asked looking out the small window that looked out to the river.

"You get used to it. Well that's what I've heard, I've never been able to sleep that late in the day."

"Late in the day? What is the time?" I asked, laying back in the bed and feeling the soft sheets with my hands.

"Almost lunch time miss."

"Lunch time!" I said and bolted up. I climbed out of bed and raced behind the changing screen. "I've never slept till lunch, even when I was sick." I said, feeling panicked. Ceecee chuckled.

"His highness never awakens before lunch, unless going hunting or visiting other palaces." She said.

"You serve the king?" I asked, sticking my head out to see her. She smiled at me and nodded.

"There are two of us that help him. Me, and a man named Jesse De Silva. Of course Jesse is the King's dearest friend, where as I am just his maid."

"I see." I stood completely frozen. She appeared beside me and smiled. I turned to her and she started tying up my corset. "So, you know them well?" I asked, trying my hardest to sound casual.

"I know Mr. De Silva well." She said and paused. As I waited for her to explain I could feel the jealousy grow within me as I started wondering how well they really knew each other. "With his highness, well I'm still learning."

"Oh do you know Mr. De Silva?" my voice was no louder than a peep.

"We were neighbours as children." She said shaking her head at me. "His parents lived next to mine until his father died and his mother fell in love with the Duke of Norfolk." She said. "They married when he was 6 and they moved away. That's how I got this job." She said smiling and holding up the white dress. "You should wear this one." Her eyes had a mischievous twinkle in them.

With little difficult I put on the dress and stepped out into the room. She smiled and said, "That dress is perfect." I narrowed my eyes at her and smiled.

"Why?"

"Here, I asked the king if I could use this in your room." She turned away and pulled a large mirror from off of the bed. I hadn't seen her carry it in so she must've brought it in after I started changing. She held the mirror towards me and I studied myself. The white dress fit my body perfectly. It flowed straight to the ground with short sleeves that had yellow flowers stitched onto them and a yellow beaded neckline that made my pale skin more inviting. The bottom of the dress had small yellow flowers sown all around the hem, along with the yellow beading. I smiled at her and she grinned back.

"Sit and I'll do your hair for you." She said placing the mirror back on the bed and pulling out a stool for me to sit at.

"You don't have to Ceecee, I don't mind." I said, but she pushed me into the seat and grabbed the brush on the vanity.

"Where did you think of that name? Ceecee?" She said as she gently brushed out the knots in my hair.

"I don't know…it's just easier to say." I said with a grin.

"I suppose, but its not like your name is so easy."

"My Mother used to call me Susie when I was a little girl."

"Susie?" She laughed. "That's cute."

"Yes well…I was little." I said, slightly embarrassed.

"I wont call you that, it makes you sound like a child." She said with a chuckle. "But I'll think up something creative, just wait." I laughed and shook my head. We were silent for a few minutes while she started pining my hair. It was more painful that I had expected, so I sat perfectly still and tried not to wince. When she was done she clapped her hands together and rushed to get the mirror. Looking at myself I was shocked. With my cap on, I was used to seeing my bare face. But the way that Ceecee had done my hair, it made my face more elegant. My hair was up; strands of hair were tucked neatly to make one giant bun on m head. She had stuck yellow beads in my hair and together with the dress I could hardly remember what I looked like in my old brown dress. I looked at Ceecee and grinned.

"Thank you!"

"Your welcome. It's so tending to a woman, rather than a man." She said with a smile. "Now, lunch is being served in the tea room, in the lower ward, by the chapel. If you get lost, just ask a guardsmen, and he'll show you the way." I nodded as she spoke. "Don't forget you are the same as these people. It's crucial to remember that, or they'll devour you." She said with a frown.

"Thanks again Ceecee." I said before she left through the door.

"Have fun." She said with a wink.

After checking if my brother and Dr. Smith had gone for lunch, I headed down to the tearoom. But along the way I got wrapped up in looking at the different tapestries that I got lost and found myself in the middle ward. I was walking along a brightly lit, curved hallway, like it was one big circle, with a room in the middle. When I came to two solid oak doors I stopped. I touched the cool iron handles and listened carefully. Slowly I pressed down the handle and listened to creaking of the old door along the cold floors. The room was dark, with a single square of light coming from window in the ceiling 50 feet above.

I blinked, as my eyes adjusted to the different lighting. Slowly I crept into the room and looked around for signs of anyone else. But there was no one. In the middle of the room was a round table, like King Arthur's legend. I smiled as I touched the solid wood on the table and walked along the edge. I looked at the different coat of arms hanging on the walls and felt completely at peace here.

I spotted where the King's seat at the far end of the table, furthest away from the door, and smiled. I looked back at the closed door and felt a nervous excitement coarse threw my body as I walked towards it. I pulled out the chair and felt the soft cushion of the seat. None of the other seats were like this. You could see the power just by looking at it. I looked back at the door nervously and took a deep breath before sitting in the seat. The power that the chair emitted raced through my veins.

In this chair, you sat 5 inches above everyone else, so everyone would look up to you. Next you had the most room to move around, which I discovered when I turned sideways to rest my elbow on the armrest. I imagined great kings sitting here, discussing plans of battle. I smiled as I realized how silly I felt and then the handle on the door clicked.

My heart stopped and I blanked as I heard the door open. I looked around for a way out, but found nothing. Then I noticed the table and dashed under it as more light filled the room. I quietly crawled to the middle of the table and sat with my arms wrapped around my knees, head bent, barely breathing.

"We can't go in here." A woman said.

"Shh…no one comes in here." A man replied. The door closed and the clicking of shoes filled the room, as she traced the table.

"What a waste of space." She said with a disapproving tone.

"The table could prove to be useful." The man said, his feet appearing a few feet in front of me.

"How so?" She asked appearing beside him. Without speaking he picked her up and placed her on the table, then his feet disappeared as he too, climbed onto the table. I shut my eyes and tried to tune out the sounds of lips touching lips, and giggling and then the sounds of loud grunts. She gasped as if in pain, but he kept grunting. The she let out a cry and they stopped moving. Both were breathing heavily and I heard the man lay on the table. Neither one spoke for a few seconds, but they just kept breathing heavily as I sat there trying not to vomit.

"What is the plan for this evening?" She asked. A shuffling sound was made and despite my urge to not picture anything going on, I imagined her resting her head on his chest.

"I've already told you three times." He said with exasperation.

"I just want to hear it again to know that it's real!" She said with a whine.

"Ok well, first we go to the coronation so that everyone can see that we're there." He said. "Then after the king is crowned their will be a feast, to which we will put the tablet into the kings drink."

"What will the tablet do?" She asked.

"The tablet will make the king become drowsy, which will make him irritable. Eventually he will get frustrated and leave the room, I imagine causing a big scene. To which I will leave the room and assist him up to his room, where he will be safe in bed when I leave." She giggled.

"The next part is my favourite." She said, and a kiss was shared.

"Next you and your husband will leave the party early, because you have a certain desire that only he can help you with. You have to make it obvious to him the whole night.

"I don't think that will be a problem although he wont be able to _help me_ like you can." I gagged and shook my head.

"Once in your room, pour him a glass of wine and pour the toxin into it. Do not kiss him if he drinks the wine."

"That could be tricky."

"I would suggest offering the wine after the sex."

"I have to…I suppose your right."

"It's only one more time." He said encouraging her. She sighed. "What next?"

"The next morning we'll be awoken by horrible screams and shouts. The King is dead they will all say. And we'll rush with the crowds to find out that the king has hung himself out his bedroom window using the sheets from his bed. People will ask why, to which we will reply that he told us that he never wanted to be king that he hated his life and wished there was a way out." She giggled again and kisses were shared.

"For now my dear," He said sliding his feet appearing in front of me, with his tights around his ankles. He bent down and grabbed them and without seeing me pulled them up. "We must leave. For we've got a king to kill."

"We've got a kingdom awaiting us." She said her feet dangling in front of his. They kissed again, for what seemed like a long time before she hopped off of the table. Together they walked to the doorway, exchanging one more kiss before leaving. I checked to make sure that they were both gone before I crawled out from the table. I looked back at the table and shivered with disgust. Then I realized what I had just witness and felt myself start to panic.

Two people were planning on killing the king and it was my duty to do something about it. I couldn't just let them kill him. I crept to the door and quietly opened it. I peeked outside and blinked at the harsh light. No one was there so I slipped out and raced down the hallway trying to figure out which way I came from. People stared as I raced by, I tried to slow down to a walking pace when I saw someone coming, but it made no difference anyways, they either laughed or stared at me with distaste.

I ran down the hallways and was lucky enough to find my way back to my room. As I reached the door Dr. Smith's door opened.

"Susanna?" He said with a shocked expression. "What happened?" He asked looking at my dress. I looked down and groaned as I noticed the dark dirt marks where I crawled out from under the table.

"I was…I got lost."

"Were you playing in dirt? Or running through a field?" He asked touching a strand of hair that had fallen out.

"I was running, yes." I said looking away. I heard him sigh and when I looked back at him he was smiling and shaking his head.

"You'll never lose that free spirit will you? Even here, in a castle you're still that country girl who does not care about what one thinks." He said it with a smile, so I tried hard not to take offense. I smiled and shrugged.

"Do you know where my brother is?" I asked, knowing that Jacob could help me save the king.

"I have no idea. I saw him at lunch but he went looking for you." He looked over my dress again and smiled.

"I…I guess I better change." I said smiling and turning away.

"We're heading down to the coronation in two hours." He said and I smiled and nodded. "I'll knock on your door when we're ready."

"Thank you." I said and curtsied as best as I could before going into my room and shutting the door. I looked around the room, desperate for an answer. I spotted the string hanging beside the bed and raced to it, pulling it desperately. I pulled it about 12 times before the door creaked open.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Ceecee said out of breath. She looked at me and gasped. "What have you done to your dress?"

"That's not important right now!"

"Of course it's important. That dress is ruined." She said pushing me to behind the curtain. "Take it off quickly so I can get it washed."

"No Ceecee, someone's-"

"Just hurry will you." She said irritated. I slipped out of the dress and passed it to her.

"Someone's going to kill the king." I said.

"Oh Susanna, everyone thinks that." She said studying the ruined dress.

"Cecily." I said and she looked at me. "I'm serious."

"How can you be sure?" She said.

"I was wandering around the Round Tower, don't ask how I got there because I have no idea. I was in the room with the Round Table-"

"You went in there?" She gasped.

"Yes, you can scold me after. I was in there…looking around when the door opened and I dashed under the table so no one would see me. A man and a woman came in and…well apart form doing unmentionable things, started discussing plans for the kings murder."

"Who was it?" She said.

"I have no idea, but they must be close to the king for he talked about assisting the king back to his room after."

"It could've been a servant."

"No, he said he had a throne to claim, or something along those lines."

"Paul, it must be him."

"Paul?"

"He's the king's cousin. If Adam were to die, Paul would be next in line, because Adam has no children. This coronation would be the opportune moment to kill the king."

"Well are you not going to go and tell him?" I asked, wondering why she was just pacing my room.

"I can't. He's out hunting and then requested that I stay here with you, Jesse will help him get ready." She sighed and rubbed her face. "How is he going to do it without it looking suspicious?"

"He said he's going to drop a tablet into the kings drink which will make him sleepy and that will irritate him. Then he'll get mad, leave the party and the man, Paul as you presume, will help him to his room where I imagine the king will fall asleep and Paul will tie the bed sheets together and hang him. Then the woman is planning on murdering her husband after she lures him to their room in hopes of intimacy with his wife. "

"We've got to do something." She said, a deep crease in her forehead appeared.

"Should I tell the guards?" I asked.

"No, we have no proof. We have to make it look like they set out to do this."

"How will we do that without making it looking suspicious?" I asked and sat on the bed.

"You'll have to watch Paul like a hawk. We might not be able to save the husband, but we can definitely save the king. You're going to have to let Paul drug the king."

"I can not sit back and watch."

"You'll have to Susanna. You watch him and when the king leaves, and Paul follows run as fast as you can to the nearest chamber. Go through the secret door and follow the hallway until you get to a spiraling staircase. Go up the stair case four flights, until you get to a hallway with 6 doors in it. I'll leave one slightly open for you to go through."

"You'll be in there then?"

"Once the coronation starts, I'll excuse myself and stay in there the whole night, making it look like I'm cleaning up." I nodded. "If we can save the husband than we will, but don't count on it." She said looking at me seriously. "You'll have to remain calm and not tell anyone, not even your brother because one false move and the king could really end up dead." She sighed, placed her hands on her hip and looked around the room. "You need to get ready. Which dress are you wearing?"

"I couldn't possibly think about that now." I said shaking my head.

"You have to Susanna."

"I don't even know what Paul looks like." I said feeling anxiety take over my whole body.

"He's tall, blonde, green eyes, very handsome and will most likely wear a blue tunic because blue is his family colour." I sighed. "Now which dress are you wearing?"

"The red one." I said remember the colours Gina had told me to wear to the ball. Ceecee pulled out the red dress and smiled.

"This one's beautiful. Here." She passed it to me and pushed me behind the screen. She tied my corset within two minutes and I stepped into the dress. Tying he dress was harder than we thought and took almost 15 minutes to lace up. When it was done I looked in the mirror and nodded. This was a great dress.

The dress was more elegant than any of the others. This dress made of satin was a dark red and had short sleeves and sat off my shoulders. It had black lace along the sleeves and neckline and flowed open to more dark red material traced with black lace. The dress clung to my rib cage but expanded in the back due to the wire underneath. The back was trimmed with black lace and dark red bows. It swished when I walked and made me feel like I had an extremely large bottom, but I loved it. There were a pair of red gloves that went past my elbows and a red beaded diadem that would fit in my hair.

Without even saying a word I sat on the stool and Ceecee tutted as she undid the mess that my hair was in. She mumbled to herself words that I couldn't understand and fixed my hair. I closed my eyes and told myself to breath. I could never act normal if I didn't get my nerves under control.

An hour later I was dressed, primped and ready for the ball. I stood at the window and watched as the cold water rushed through the lake, splashing onto the sparkling banks. I shivered as I thought of how cold it was out there.

At the sound of three rapid knocks on my door I jumped. I placed my hand over my heart to steady it before I opened the door. Dr Smith and Jacob stood in front of me.

"You look beautiful." Dr Smith said as he looked over my whole outfit.

"Thank you." I said nodding my head and trying not to blush. Jacob smiled at me and held out his arm for me to take.

"My lady." He said and I laughed.

"If Papa could see us now!" I said smiling at the green tunic that Jacob was wearing. "Where did you get this?"

"My…servant…he said he wore it on his wedding day and I could wear it if I liked."

"That was generous of him." I said.

"My servant scowls every time he sees me." Dr. smith frowned. I looked at Jacob and we burst into laughter. Dr. Smith couldn't help but smile too. The chapel doors came into view and I felt my heart drop into my stomach and had the sudden urge to throw up.

"Are you nervous dear sister?" Jacob said quietly.

"No why?"

"You're shaking as if you've spent the afternoon in the river."

"I-I'm just excited Jacob that's all." I lied, but I was convincing enough for he smiled and patted my hand as if I was a child.

Two male guards stood on either sides of the solid oak doors and two male attendants had the unfortunate job to open the door for everyone. I nodded a thank you, which seemed to shock them, before we walked into the chapel. It wasn't as big as the Kingsbridge cathedral but it was large enough to fit everyone into it. The room was already starting to become crowded and we took a spot half way through the chapel.

The people were dressed in all sorts of colours. Different shades of reds, greens, yellows, blues, purple, pinks. There were young men, old men, blonde women, brunette women, men with long beards and men with no beards. I smiled to a young blonde girl as she appeared beside me. She wore a light blue dress that puffed out like mine, but was not made of satin but cotton and a tall white collar that opened in the front to reveal a lot of cleavage but in the back just reached the baton of the bun in her hair. Her eyes were dark blue and the way she looked at you was fierce and powerful.

Her husband was followed close behind her. He was an older man with a pointy white beard and sad blue eyes. He, like his wife wore a pale blue tunic that was very snug around his large belly. His grey curly hair was somewhat covered by a blue jeweled hat along with a long blue feather.

"So exciting these parties." She whispered to me and I smiled.

"You're not from around here are you?" She whispered again, looking around carefully. "Don't worry I'm not either."

"Is it very obvious?" I asked feeling my face heat up.

"I saw you running through the halls today, covered in dirt. It reminded me of my days at home in Sussex." She said as she clearly was remembering her days in the country.

"I'm from Worcester." I said smiling slightly.

"Beautiful place, Worcester." Her husband spoke with a deep, rusty voice. His wife smiled at him and nodded.

"We love it there." She said, looking at him fondly.

"Where abouts do you live?" Her husband asked and I blanked. Was I supposed to admit to our poor family conditions?

"Dear, that is too personal for us to know." She said smiling at me. I silently thanked her for saving my grace.

"We live in Cumberland." She said smiling. "You should come and visit us." She said with a bright smile.

"I'm afraid that I don't even know your names." I said with a smile and she laughed.

"My name is Maria McDonald and this is my husband Spencer." He smiled and kissed my hand.

"Susannah Simon." I said.

"Well Susannah, stay close to us and we'll show you the ropes of these events. I assume you'll be coming to more?" Maria said to me.

"I…I don't know." My words were drowned out by the sounds of trumpets.

"Make way for Prince Adam, future king of England." A man shouted and the whole room went quiet. Everyone strained their necks to get a glance at the king. I spotted a white hat floating threw the air with large white feathers sticking out of it. As it began to move down the aisle in the church everyone bowed down, side glancing at the future king. As the king took his spot at the altar everyone rose and stared at him. He looked handsome, dressed completely in white and gold. He stood with confidence yet his hands were clasped behind his back to hide his shaking hands. His eyes roamed the guests with a certain ferocity.

"That man, beside the king is Jesse De Silva." Maria explained. "He came from no money. But like I did, his mother fell in love with a duke and they were whisked out of poverty." She said with a smile. I studied Jesse's face, and felt my heart quicken slightly. He was wearing a blue tunic, with white gems on it. He smiled at the girl standing next to him and whispered something in her ear. I frowned at it, trying to not feel so jealous and studied the rest of the king's entourage.

"Maria, who is that?" I asked pointing to the tall man beside the king.

"That is the kings cousin Paul." She said. "Handsome devil and quite the lady's man." I nodded and studied his face. He, like Adam, held themselves with great power and confidence. He had Adam's hair colour and strong jaw but his kindness never reached his eyes and he looked a lot tougher than Adam did. Like Ceecee had said, he too was wearing a blue tunic with white beads. He looked at Adam and a quick smile flitted over his face, before his eyes darted through the crowd. His eyes landed on me and he smiled and nodded. I blinked at him and wasn't sure what to do next. Then he bit his lip and I heard a giggle from behind me. I turned slightly, as if I was going to talk to Jacob and glanced at the woman behind me. She wore a bright pink dress with white lace and her blonde hair was down like mine, only hers lacked the natural curl that mine had. She winked at Paul and I almost puked. These were the two that were scheming against the king.

As Fr. Dominic appeared on the altar I suddenly felt very faint. I blinked at the altar and told myself to take deep breaths. But the weight of what might happened made my breathing short and quick. I looked around and shook my head.

"Susannah? What's wrong?" Jacob whispered furiously in my ear.

"Nothing I'm fine." I said as his arm grabbed onto my upper arm.

"Are you feeling alright? You're very pale…and swaying."

"I just need some…air." I said.

"You can't leave now!" He hissed at me.

"Don't worry. The king won't mind. I'll take her outside." Maria spoke with a soft voice and wrapped a hand around my wrist. We quietly slipped through the crowd as Fr. Dominic started the ceremony. "This way." She whispered and we went through a small door that was located at the side of the building. It went down a long dark tunnel and opened up to the cold winter air.

I gulped in the cool air and felt myself relax. The sun was starting to set and everything seemed so peaceful in this blocked off area. You could run for miles before you would reach the stonewalls at the other end.

As I stood in the snow, Maria said nothing. She just let me catch my breath. When I started shivering she touched my shoulder and looked at me with sharp eyes.

"Are you ready to go back?" She asked.

"I think so." I said and she smiled at me.

"Come on, it might be done by now." She chuckled as she wrapped an arm around my shoulder and we walked back into the chapel.


	9. The Coronation: Pt 2

We followed the crowd of guests through the castle to the great hall. Maria and I linked arms, in case I felt faint again she said. But when Adam was named king a new feeling arose inside of me and I suddenly became determined to save him.

The great hall was a magnificent room with tall ceilings and large glass windows that covered up ¾ of the back wall. They had a view of the river below but it was dark now so the river looked like a black snake among the winter snow. There was a U-shaped table that took up majority of the room. It was covered with a white tablecloth and had gold, glittering napkins along with a gold bowl, plate, cup and cutlery. There were chairs along the outside of the table, so the servants could travel through the middle of the U and serve people without getting in the way. At the head of the table, the bottom of the U, there was a tall, golden chair with red cushions. It was where the king would sit and could be seen by all.

"Sit with us?" Maria asked and led me towards the right side of the table, where our backs would be towards the windows. We sat down and watched as other guests filed into the room. A flash of bright pink caught my attention and I looked over towards the doorway. The blonde woman strode through the room with her arm linked through an older mans arm. He was a fat man, with snow-white hair and a long beard that ended just under his chest. Her eyes flicked around the room as they stopped to talk to another older couple and when she hadn't seen Paul she joined in the conversation.

"Who is that?" I asked Maria, nodding at the woman.

"That is Lady Kelly Prescott." She smiled. "Her husband is the king's, the old king's longest friend."

"She is his…"

"Wife? Yes." Maria smiled.

"He looks old enough to be her grandfather." I said and blushed when I made eye contact with Spencer. He laughed and Maria smiled. "Sorry." I said.

"He's only old enough to be my father, not grandfather."

"But I feel as young as a buck." He said giving me a wink and I smiled, shaking my head.

"They don't love each other like we do. Their marriage was more of a…an arrangement between their parents." Maria explained with a sad face.

"I see." I said with a nod. We fell silent as we watched people gather in the room. A little girl with curly red hair caught my attention and I watched her gaze up at the ceiling with wonder. She was wearing a dark green dress and her bright blue eyes were amazed at the height of the ceiling. She pulled on her mothers dress and whispered about it to her mother, who smiled gently at her.

"Aggie would have loved it here." Jacob said, noticing the little girl as well. I nodded and felt a pain in my heart. I missed home and hadn't realized it until this moment.

"Aggie? Is that your daughter?" Maria asked Jacob.

"Yes." He said with a cough. He didn't even bother looking at me anymore when he said that she was his daughter. The pain from the secret would be too evident on both of our faces.

"How many children do you have?" She asked.

"Three. Two boys and a girl." Jacob said with a proud smile.

"My goodness, you have been blessed." She said with a genuine smile, but it never reached her eyes. Before I could stop him Jacob asked that question that a barren woman never wants to hear.

"Do you have children?" Her smile faltered for a second but then she picked it back up and shook her head, trying to hide her sorrows.

"I'm sorry." I said but she squeezed my hand and smiled.

"It's alright. It's not your fault." She said and took a deep breath. To save us from an awkward silence trumpets sounded and a servant shouted, "The King of England." At this everyone stood and Adam walked in, all smiles as everyone started clapping for him. The role of king suited him, I thought as I watched him proudly walk up to the head table. He smiled at his guests and held up his hand.

"Please, lets eat." He said and then sat down. Jesse sat on his right and Paul on his left. Paul's eyes roamed the hall and stopped on Lady Prescott. Lady Prescott sat almost directly across from us so I could keep an eye on both of them. They shared a secret smile before she leaned close to her husband and whispered in his ear. He let out a cough and looked at her like she had three heads. I shivered with disgust and looked away.

"These parties are a lot different from the ones back home, don't you agree?" Maria asked.

"Yes, a lot different." I said as I looked at the different dresses everyone was wearing.

"Your parties are more fun." Spencer whispered and I laughed.

"They are more casual," I said.

"I miss how everyone knew each other and danced with each other. You didn't have to care what people thought of you." Maria said and I nodded. "The next party you through we must be invited."

"Of course, but just make sure to wear old clothes because it will most likely be held in a barn." As I said this I noticed a pair of cold eyes watching me from the other side of Spencer. She raised her eyebrows at me and gave a quick cough before she turned away. I blanked and quickly looked down at my napkin.

"Don't worry Susanna, Lady Jerome doesn't approve of anybody." Maria said loudly and there was a loud snort from beside Spencer. I smiled at Maria and she winked. A servant appeared in front of me with a large ladle and poured hot soup into my bowl. His green eyes twinkled and his freckles amazed me, that I found myself studying his face. He smiled at me and I returned the smile before he moved on to Maria and the rest of the table.

"He was cute." She whispered to me and I felt my cheeks blush. "There are a lot of handsome men here." She said.

"I've hardly noticed." I lied as I looked at the servant again. Our eyes met and I blushed before looking away.

"Do you have a suitor waiting for you?" She asked and I shook my head.

"What about Andrew?" Jacob asked. I frowned at him for eavesdropping and he shrugged.

"Andrew? Who is this boy?" She asked looked at me excitedly. I took a spoonful of soup and was unable to speak.

"He has been calling on her since…since she was 13?" he said looking at me for confirmation. I wiped my mouth and shook my head.

"I was 12." I remembered that kiss and briefly remembered how it felt to kiss him.

"I'm surprised he hasn't asked for her hand yet." Jacob said, sounding like an old woman.

"He's not where he wants to be, money wise." I said, and then wished I hadn't. Maria grabbed my hand and looked at me with bright eyes.

"Does that mean that he has mentioned it to you?" I could fell both of their eyes boring into my skin as I stared at my soup.

"We have talked about it, but that does not mean that we will be getting married." I said feeling a knot form in my stomach. "There are plenty of other…women that he might want to marry."

"Or men that you might want to marry." Maria whispered and I blushed a deep red. My eyes flicked to the head table and I instantly wished that I hadn't. Adam nodded at me. I nodded back and felt like I couldn't look away. His brown eyes studied mine and he smiled. He leaned over to Jesse and whispered in his ear. They both looked at me now and when I looked at Jesse I felt that familiar jump in my chest and quickly looked away. I thought of poor Andrew at home, who I knew was in love with me. I needed to stop my feelings for Jesse and try to love Andrew. Falling in love with someone like Jesse would lead to nothing but problems for me. I sighed and started eating my soup.

After an hour of eating dishes full of food I sat back in my chair and stifled a yawn. I looked around and noticed that other people were yawning too. A lot of food and red wine did that to people.

"What a meal!" Jacob said patting his swollen belly.

"We have never eaten that much food in years."

"We never have that much food." Jacob said and we laughed.

"I hope they start the dancing soon, or I might fall asleep." Maria said with glossy eyes.

"Ugh, I don't even think I can sit up." I struggled to sit up and they both laughed at me. I smiled and glanced at the head table for the 12th time. I don't know when Paul had done it, but the king was sitting in his chair with his head down. Paul sat beside him smiling and sipping at his own glass of wine. Jesse shook Adam and he was startled awake. They exchanged words and Adam's face was furious. He stood up and before everyone could stand up with him he stormed out. Everyone stood unsure of what to do.

"If you will all head to the next room the dancing will start in a few minutes." Paul said and headed out after the king. I an ice-cold chill went through my body and I shivered.

"Excuse me." I said to my companions. Jacob gave me a worried look and I smiled.

"I just have to go to my room, to get something. I'll be right back brother. Don't worry." I said and my smile sold him. He nodded and stood.

"Just be quick please." I nodded and walked as fast as I could to the hallway that Ceecee had told me about.

It was dark, very poorly lit and gave me even more chills, but I had to find a room and take the servants exit. I looked down the hall and sighed, one of these doors was bound to lead to a bedroom.

"Susanna?" Jesse voice pushed the cold chill out of my body and filled it with a burning fire. I looked over my shoulder at him and smiled slightly.

"Oh hello Jesse." I turned away and frantically chose a door.

"What are you doing?"

"I just had to…run to my room for something." I lied.

"Isn't your room in the middle ward?" He asked standing beside me. I laughed and shook my head.

"No it's right here." I placed a hand on the doorknob and smiled. "Sorry Jesse but I have to go." I smiled and he raised his eyebrows at me. I opened the door and quickly stepped into the room. Some hard hit my face, just below my eye and I jumped back hold my eye. Jesse was laughing beside me and I felt his hand on the lower part of my back.

"Are you alright?" He asked between laughs.

"Fine, thanks for being so concerned."

"Your attempts at avoiding me are amusing. Especially when you walked into a broom." He laughed louder and I opened my good eye and groaned. I would choose a broom cupboard as my bedroom. I saw the culprit sticking out the door, practically laughing at me. I sighed and let out a fake laugh.

"Woops wrong room. I guess its all the wine. This one is definitely my room." I smiled, hand still covering my sore eye. "I guess I'll see you later." I turned the knob and walked in. This time I had actually chosen a room, but as I opened the door a man lying in the bed let out a loud snore. I jumped and shut the door in Jesse's face. I could hear him laughing as he walked down the hallway. I sighed and let go of my eye, which was throbbing now. I leaned against the door and listen to the old man, who lying naked in his bed, snore. Then I remembered what I had to do and dashed to the secret door.

It opened with a loud creak, but I didn't stay to check if the old man had awoken. I shut the door behind me and I looked down the hallway. It was cold and dark and had a smell of mould. There were three lit torches so I grabbed one and raced to the winding stone staircase at the end of the hallway. I held up my dress and raced up the stairs, but halfway up I couldn't remember how many flights of stairs I was supposed to go up. So at each landing I came to, I stopped and took a good look down the hallway before I proceeded up the stairs. I eventually came to a hallway that had more light than the others. I noticed that there was a perfect square of light and remembered that Ceecee had said she would keep the door open for me.

I quickly walked down the hallway and stopped outside of the door. I could hear voices but couldn't hear them perfectly, so I stepped into the room. I spotted Ceecee standing in the far corner, trapped between Paul's arms. Adam lay on his large bed. I looked around the room for a hiding spot, but with a torch in my hands it was difficult. There were tall pillars in the king's room, made of white marble. So I stood behind one of them and listened.

"Come on Cecily one more go. For old times sake?" Paul's voice was low and sweet.

"I'm sorry, but I cant…it wouldn't be right." She said. Her voice was tiny and scared.

"It'll be fun." I shivered at his voice. "Come on." His voice was muffled and Ceecee shrieked. She I looked around the pillar and Paul had his hands pulling up Ceecee's dress as he kissed her neck. Poor Ceecee was trying to fight him off while keeping her dignity. I felt a fury like never before and raced out from behind the pillar. Instinct took over and once close enough I hit Paul over the head with the torch. He instantly dropped but his hair caught fire.

"Oh my GOD!" Ceecee jumped and together we attempted to put out the fire. We managed to do so without damaging Paul's skin, but there was a bald spot at the back of his head and his skin was a dark pink.

"He's going to be sore tomorrow." Ceecee said.

"He's going to be sore for a while. I don't know what I was thinking." I said.

"You were brilliant." She smiled at me and I smiled back.

"What do we do now?" I asked looked at the king, buried in his bed on top of red velvet duvet and tons of red and black pillows.

"We've got to move Paul." Ceecee said.

"Do you think he'll remember?" I asked, nervous that I would get in trouble.

"He never saw you coming. So he won't know what happened. Don't worry." She grabbed his arms and started dragging him towards the door. "Here I'll…"

"You'll need someone to help you." I said picking up his feet. Ceecee opened the door and looked down the hallway.

"No one ever comes up here, but just to be sure." She said before we carried him out of the door. "Over here." Ceecee puffed as she directed us.

"Take this torch and put it out in Adam's wash basin. Its on the table beside his bed." She instructed. I did as she told me as fast as I could. I looked at Adam sleeping peacefully in the bed and felt a sudden desire to touch his face. I shook my head, took a deep breath and went back to Ceecee. She had set Paul up to look like he had gotten drunk and fallen asleep.

"What am I doing with this?" I asked and Ceecee took it from me. She held it up to the basket that the torches sat in and let it fall. It hit Paul on the head and rolled a coup feet away. "Opps…looks like he'll have to bumps tomorrow." She said giving me a malicious smile. We heard footsteps somewhere close and we dashed back into the king's room and shut the door.

"Well, what do we have here?" Came a groggy voice from behind us. We both froze and looked at each other. Slowly we turned and noticed Adam sitting up in his bed smiling at us. "Aren't you two a sight! Have a interesting night?" He asked, his eyes roaming over us. I looked at Ceecee and bit back a smile. Her hair was all loose and falling down her red face. Her black dress was crinkled and not exactly even. I only imagined what I looked like.

"Sorry your majesty." Ceecee said curtsying and I copied. "We were…uh…just checking on you." I blushed because there was no reason for me to need to check on the king. Adam thought this too because he looked at me and smiled. "You both came to check on me?"

"Oh, well you see, Miss Simon here told me that you had left so suddenly and she was concerned so I told her to come along, just to be sure." Ceecee said.

"Well then… I guess I should thank you." He nodded towards me. "Come, sit." He said to us and I froze.

"Oh no I…" there was a knock on the door and it opened. I inwardly groaned as Jesse walked in.

"Having a party without me?" He asked. Although I wasn't looking at him I knew he was watching me and smiling.

"These two were worried about me." Adam gloated and my face heated. "They must've had quite the time doing it." Jesse nodded and sat on the chair by the fireplace opposite Adam's bed, which I had just noticed was there.

"Paul's outside. Passed out." Jesse said, my eyes flicked to Ceecee and she bit her lip and looked at the ground. "Looks like he knocked over a torch and almost burnt his hair off." I looked up just as Adam looked at us. His eyes narrowed and then he smiled.

"We should really be going. I need to tend to Susanna's eye." Ceecee said and my face instantly heated. I didn't even wonder if it had swollen, but I had noticed that I was tender and harder to see out of. Jesse smiled and I looked at the ground. It was pure torture standing there, having both men embarrass you only by looking at you.

"You may go Cecily. Take good care of our special guest." Adam said, laughter in his voice. "I hope to see you at the dance tomorrow night Miss Simon." He said and I smiled slightly and we curtsied before leaving through the solid oak doors that led into the king's room. We passed Paul, who was now accompanied by a manservant who was studying his burn.

"Better get the doctor." Ceecee said to the servant. He jumped up and raced down the hallway. Ceecee led me into a room, which was porcelain white with a large porcelain tub in the middle and soft white bathing sheets folded neatly beside jars of different salts. She led me through the secret doorway and we were back in the hallway and headed down one flight of stairs before she headed the next hallway. She opened a door and when I followed her in I noticed that I was my room.

"Yes your room is right underneath his." She said, closing the door behind me. She sighed and sat on the bed. "Hope you don't mind, but that was too much for me." I sat beside her and attempted to lie back, but the wires of my dress got in the way. I lifted my dress and pulled the metal hoop out and kicked it into the corner. My dress deflated and I lay back on the bed. Ceecee lay beside me and the two of us stared at the ceiling.

I don't know what came over me but suddenly I was in fits of laughter. Ceecee started laughing too and the two of us clutched our stomachs as we laughed. We laughed so much that tears rolled down my cheeks. When I stopped laughing I laid there breathing deeply and smiling.

"Did you see the servant's face as he inspected Paul?" I asked and Ceecee giggled.

"He was in pure shock and scared out of his wits."

"I hope his hair grows in funny." I said and Ceecee laughed. "It serves him right trying to kill the king and have his way with you at the same time. The man thinks he's invincible." I said and Ceecee nodded. I thought of Paul and Kelly in the Round Tower. Then I sat up and gasped. "Lord Prescott, what are we going to do about him?"

"I suspected that Lady Prescott was the one who Paul was scheming with seeing as I caught them in bed once." I cringed and she nodded. "So I slipped Lord Prescott a note and all I can do is hope that he's smart enough." I sighed and felt sadness in my heart. I had known that it might not be possible that we saved both but as long as we saved Adam, I must be content.

"I can't go back to the party now." I said feeling my swollen eye. Ceecee laughed.

"No you cant. How did you do that?"

"I walked into a broom trying to get away from Jesse." I sad and she went into fits of laughter again.

"Its not funny." I said even thought I too laughed. "I'm not going to the ball tomorrow looking like this and Jacob will be furious when he sees it." I said.

"I'll get a cold cloth and that will, hopefully take the swelling down, but it might not take the colour away."

"What am I going to tell people?" I asked as she headed towards the door.

"Tell them the truth. There's no shame in it." She said giving me a smile.

"Sure nothing to be embarrassed about walking into a BROOMSTICK!" I shouted after her and she shut the door trying to hide the giggles.

I sighed and sat back on the bed. This would be a story to tell the kids when I got back home.

"Where did you-What happened to your face!" Jacob shouted as I opened the door to his furious knocks. I had changed into a nightgown after Ceecee had left and sat in bed thinking about what had happened. I was just starting to doze off when Jacob pounded on the door. I wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and answered it.

"I-I walked into a broom cupboard thinking it was my room. I guess I had too much wine at dinner time." I blushed.

"Do you know how worried I was?" He shouted. An older couple passed by and pretended that they weren't listening.

"Stop shouting at me and get in here." I said pulling him into my room. I shut the door and sighed.

"Susanna, you frightened me. I thought something bad had happened to you. I've seen you maybe twice since we came here and you act like a completely different person. Running through the hallways, fainting in church, disappearing for hours at a time." He sighed.

"Jacob I'm sorry I just…had to do something." He shook his head and picked up a brush that was on the vanity.

"I'm sorry Susanna, but we cannot stay another day."

"What?" I asked, feeling anger rise in my chest.

"We came for the coronation and we've seen it. I miss home and I think this place is too dangerous for someone as young as you."

"Don't tell me what's dangerous for me!" I screamed. "You don't know…you don't care about me! You just feel burdened by me so you want to get home so you don't have to worry about me anymore!" I shouted, tears poured down my face. I was shaking ferociously and could barely breath. I had never fought with Jacob let alone shouted at him. He stood in front of me shocked.

"You know that is not true, but you are too upset to see otherwise. I care deeply for my family and would do anything for them. Hell I'm raising my sister as my own daughter."

"That has nothing to do with me." I spat. "You see that I am not a little girl anymore and that frightens you so you want to take me away from the only place I actually feel happy."

"You feel happy here? In this fake world, where people judge you by the way your dress and not by the way your soul is? You are happy in a world where money is the only thing that matters?" he stepped closer to me, his eyes sad but his face angry. "If so then you are not the sister I thought you were."

"Maybe I'm not." I spat back. He studied my face, completely at a loss for words. I had hurt him in some way and I wished I hadn't but I was so angry.

"We're leaving tomorrow before lunch. I've already talked to Dr Smith and he agrees that tomorrow would be an ideal time to leave."

"Jacob please…" he held up his hand to silence me.

"I said we're leaving, so we're leaving. Make sure you are awake and ready by 10 o'clock." Without even another glance at me Jacob left my room, closing the door softly behind him. I stood staring at the door shocked. I let the tears pour down my face and cried. It wasn't fair. He didn't understand what I was going through, what I had been through. Maybe if I explained it-he would never believe me. He was too angry and hurt to listen to me now. I sighed and wiped my face, wincing as I touched my tender eye. I climbed into the soft bed and wished I could just stay here forever. Here where I didn't have to do chores or worry about anything. Just lying here, in this soft bed, without a care in the world.


	10. Christmas

It took a week of Debbie's herbal remedies and constant questions for my eye to heal up. Papa was furious when I came home but laughed when I told him that I walked into a broom cupboard thinking that it was my bedroom. Jacob never spoke to me the whole way home and only said three words since we've been home. He told Debbie what happened, but she sided with me and told him that I was a girl and needed to have some fun in my life. This only made him more angry so now he wasn't talking to her either. No one else noticed that Jacob was unhappy, life just continued on in an excited rush. For Christmas was two weeks away.

"Auntie Susanna! Auntie Susanna!" Aggie danced around me as I held baby Nathaniel.

"What is it Aggie?" I asked trying to keep my patience.

"Grandpa told us that St. Nicholas comes in less that two weeks." She said her eyes bright.

"That's right honey. But only if you've been good and haven't fought with your brother." As I said this she stopped jumping and stared at me with wide eyes.

"Oh no. I pulled Samuel's hair one time so hard that he cried." Tears filled her eyes and I had to bite back my smile.

"Well then you better be extra nice to him for two weeks." I said, but the tear rolled down her cheek. "Oh Aggie, don't cry." I wrapped an arm around her tiny shoulders and sighed. "Just be a good girl and I'm sure he will come."

"But how do you know?" she asked wiping her eyes.

"Because I used to pull Uncle David's hair all the time, but as long as I was nice to him most of the time, St. Nicholas still came to bring me a present." At this she smiled and her tears stopped. "No go on and help your momma with the washing while I change this baby." I said and she danced off.

I placed the one-month-old baby on the table and talked to him as I undid his clothes and took off the soiled nappy. He smiled at me and I couldn't help but smile back. All he did now was smile and rarely ever cried. I prayed that my children would be like him, but looking at Aggie I knew they wouldn't because this baby was blessed with two calm, gentle natured parents. Aggie and I got two high maintenance parents who tended to over react at small things.

"Who's a handsome boy? Are you a handsome boy?"  
"Are you talking to me or the baby?" A voice came from the doorway and my head shot up so fast.

"Andrew!" I smiled brightly and he rushed to my side, snow flying off his coat and from his hair. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he lifted me off my feet. "It's so good to see you." I said when he placed me back down. He kissed my lips softly and smiled at me.

"And you. I heard about your eye." His thumb touched the little pink line that was left from my injury. "How are you?"

"Fine, I can see perfectly and my humility is almost gone." I said with a laugh and placed the clean baby into his basket by the fire. His eyes flickered as he started dozing.

"How was the castle?" Andrew asked as he watched me cover the baby up.

"It was beautiful. It has the highest ceilings I have ever seen and so many different colours. It was…wonderful." I said dreamily. He sat in the chair close to the fireplace. "Want some tea?" I asked and he nodded.

"So did you meet new people?" He asked studying the fire. He meant did I meet men, possible suitors.

"Of course." I smiled as I filled the kettle. I let him think about it for a second before I continued. "I met one couple. The Duke and Duchess of Cumberland. The sweetest people I know. She was so kind, from Sussex originally. But she married a duke and moved to Cumberland. She wants me to come and visit her in the New Year."

"That's marvelous. Any others?" He asked. I smiled and sat on his lap.

"No one really special." I said wrapping and arm around his shoulder and playing with his ponytail. An image of Jesse flashed into my mind and I sighed. "No one I would consider." At this he looked at me and I smiled.

"I…I wanted to talk to you about that Susanna." He said, his eyes shifting to the fire. I felt a cold sweat take over my body as I knew where this was headed.

"Oh?" I peeped.

"I…I…You see I have enough money now, and it's just my poor old mother living at home with me. So I was wondering, hoping really…" my stomach churned and I suddenly felt very nauseous. "marry me?" he said the words and I blinked. I swallowed and stood up. He looked at me with worry in his face.

"Did…I'm sorry what?" I asked looking at him. He stood now and held my hands.

"Will you marry me?"

"Did you ask my father?" I asked, knowing that if he had asked I had no choice but to say yes for fear of hurting his pride and gaining a reputation.

"I have. I asked while you were away." He looked at me hopefully and I smiled the best smile I could muster.

"Of…Of course I'll marry you. It only seems right." I said and he beamed at me. He picked me up and spun me around.

"Thank you! Thank you!" He said. "You've made me the happiest man in all of England." He said and I laughed, shaking my head.

"When…when were you thinking…"

"Your brother suggested Christmas Day. To celebrate the lords birth and our union." He smiled.

"David's always been a romantic at heart." I said smiling but inside I was panicking. Christmas Day, that was two weeks away. Two weeks and I would be a married woman with more responsibilities.

"It wasn't David that suggested it. It was Jacob. He said the sooner the better." Andrew frowned. "I'm not quite sure what he meant but-" His words were lost as my thoughts screamed in my head. He did this to punish me. He wanted to make an example of me; to teach me a lesson. "So is it Christmas day then?" I snapped back to what was happening and looked at him.

"Pardon?" He smiled at me and shook his head.

"Shall we tell everyone Christmas day?" He asked. I looked at his face and even though I wanted to turn and run as far away as possible I nodded.

"Yes. Christmas Day." I said and he smiled at me again. He kissed me deeply and lifted me from the ground again. When he put me back down he kissed me once more before dashing out the door. He bumped into Debbie on the way out and she laughed as he kissed her cheek.

She smiled as she waved and shut the door. When she turned to me there was a sad look on her face.

"So you've said yes then?" She said as she hung up her coat.

"What else was I supposed to say? He asked Papa already." I sighed and sank into the chair Adam had left.

"Oh my poor girl. Maybe a miracle will happen." She said wrapping an arm around my shoulder. I laughed.

"A miracle would be if Andrew fell in love with someone else, for I would never want anything bad to happen to him."

"Yes that's not likely." She patted my arm and smiled. "Well maybe you'll end up loving him." I sighed and rubbed my face. In two weeks my freedom will be robbed from me and my life will be over.

Before I knew it Christmas had arrived bringing with it a large snowstorm that took us three hours to shovel the driveway. Everyone was in excited jitters for Christmas and the wedding. There wouldn't be that many people at my wedding, just a small party and the ceremony would take place after the Christmas mass. Debbie let me wear her wedding dress and we would have the dinner in our barn.

The morning of the wedding I woke early and felt a hard lump in my stomach. I tried to go back to sleep but I could not manage to get comfortable. I sighed and tossed back the blankets, regretting it when the cold air his my bare legs. I quickly wrapped a shawl around my shoulders and went to the window. I pushed open the wooden shutters and looked out at the cold dark world. The sky was turning a light pink just off of the horizon. A chill ran down my spine and goose bumps broke out over my body. I quickly shut the shutters and left my cold bedroom.

I went to the warm kitchen were the boys were sleeping and slipped on Papa's winter shoes before going outside to fill the kettle from the tap. I walked around the back of the house, behind the barn to the spot where Papa would cut wood and found the iron tap buried in the snow. I touched the ice cold metal and winced. There was no wind today but it was the coldest day so far. I turned the tap and water slowly streamed out of it. It took longer than normal because the water had started to freeze inside the tap, which meant that getting water would be difficult until it got warmer. I winced, as the freezing cold water rushed over my hand once the kettle was full. I turned off the tap and raced back inside. When I was back in the kitchen Papa was awake and so was David.

"Merry Christmas Sister." David said with a bright smile on his face.

"Merry Christmas David. Merry Christmas Papa." I lit the stove and placed the kettle on it. "I have a gift for both of you." I said smiling brightly. I left the kitchen and raced upstairs. I briefly glanced at the dress hanging on the front of my wardrobe before I opened it and grabbed the three parcels that were wrapped in my closet. I left the presents that I had gotten for Aggie and Samuel in there, for we wouldn't see them till after the sun came up.

I handed Papa and David their presents and shook Bradley awake to give him his. He grunted a thanks and went back to sleep. I rolled my eyes and sat by the warm fire watching them open their gifts. David ripped the coloured paper with excitement and Papa opened his gift slowly with care. I had knitted David a scarf that had died blue wool. He looked at it and smiled.

"Thank you Susanna. It's just what I need." He wrapped the scarf around his neck and grinned at me. "How did you manage to buy this?"

"I can't tell you that!" I said with a wink. "It's the magic of Christmas."

Papa's gift was a pair of wooden stick figures that I had seen while in town. They were carved out of cherry wood. It was a man and woman and they were holding hands whilst looking at each other, only their faces were undefined. You had to imagine the expression on their faces. When I saw it I thought of Momma and knew that Papa would like it. He looked at me with a smile and his eyes shone.

"Thank you." He said and I smiled and nodded. Even though it had been some years later, Papa still cried about Momma every now and again.

"I didn't really have time to wrap your gift Susanna." David said, looking down at the floor.

"David you don't have to get me anything." I smiled.

"I did get you something…I just haven't wrapped it yet, and it will be more suited for a wedding gift." He said with a smile and I had to force a smile back.

"Thank you."

"You better get ready." Papa said giving my hand a squeeze and I nodded. I stood up and poured tea for everyone. I looked around the kitchen and felt the tears form in my eyes. I looked away as I poured milk into the tea. In a few short hours this would no longer be my home.

The morning passed by in a chaotic blur. Debbie and Jacob brought the kids over from breakfast and I have them their gifts. Aggie got a rag dole from the market and Samuel got a wooden horse. Debbie I gave a red shawl that I had knitted and Jacob I gave him a new hat, like the one I gave Bradley only one was green and the other was blue.

After breakfast Debbie took Aggie and I upstairs and started fixing our hair. She rambled on about married life for close to two hours before Aggie snapped and asked if she could go and play because marriage was boring and sounded "dreadful". I looked and Debbie and we both laughed as stormed from the room.

Debbie helped me into the dress and she held out my hands and smiled at me. "You look beautiful!" She said with tears in her eyes. "Your Momma would be so proud of you." She said and now there were tears in my eyes. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and held me tightly. The knock on the door separated us.

"Come in." I said wiping the tears away. Jacob's head appeared and he smiled.

"Ready?" He asked and then his smile faded as he took in the dress. He frowned slightly and sighed. Debbie squeezed my hand and left the room.

"Well? Finally going to talk to me?" I said, fighting back the sobs that were just waiting to escape.

"Susanna…I was worried about you. I'm sorry." His head fell slightly and I sighed. I stepped towards him and wrapped my arms around him.

"I'm sorry too Jacob." I whispered.

"You look beautiful." He said. "I can't believe my little squirt for a sister is getting married." He smiled and held my face. There were wet marks on his cheeks and his eyes were glossy. "We are very proud of you." I nodded thanks for fear that the sobs would come out if I spoke.

"Come now. Papa's waiting with the carriage." He said.

"Ok, just give me one more second and I'll be right down." He smiled, kissed my cheek and left the room. I turned and sighed. I stared at my reflection in a mirror that Debbie had brought for the occasion.

My dress was a little too big on me. It had lacy sleeves and a high neck. It was a light material meant for a summer wedding, but Debbie had knitted me a white shawl to wear with it to keep me somewhat warm. I wore my hair down and curly and a white beaded headpiece that circled my head and had a long veil attached to it. I sighed at my reflection before leaving my childhood behind.

There were more carriages at the chapel then I had expected. When we pulled up we were naturally the last ones to arrive. I studied the empty carriages that stood close to the church, horses tethered to nearby trees or posts. I noticed a carriage that looked too fancy to be from around here. It had gold frames and gold steps, along with glass windows and red curtains. I smiled when I thought of Maria and Spencer.

Debbie kissed my cheek and she and the children raced inside and let everyone know that we were here. My brothers all kissed me; Bradley gave me a kiss that barely touched my cheek, before they too disappeared into the church. Papa offered me his arm and I smiled at him.

"Ready?" He asked.

"I don't think so." I said honestly. He smiled at me.

"No one ever is." He said as he patted my hand.

"Papa, I'm scared." I said staring at the closed doors.

"I know darling. But it'll work out." He kissed my head. "Your mother and I barely knew each other when we got married. We never courted like you and Andrew have. Our parents arranged a union when we were children and married us off at a young age."

"But you and Momma loved each other. I know you did." I said.

"Yes we did. I still love her. But sometimes love takes a while to grow. It's the little things that make it happen. Sometimes love doesn't just occur over night." He smiled at me knowing that I didn't love Andrew. "You'll be alright." As the words left his mouth music started playing and that huge rock in my stomach had shrunk to just a tiny pebble.

The large white doors opened and I looked down the aisle of the bright church and smiled at all the eyes looking back at me. Papa held my hand as we walked down the aisle to the slow music. Andrew stood at the altar with Jacob beside him, his back towards me, but he was tense. I could tell that he was nervous and uncomfortable just from looking at his back. I smiled and thought about what Papa had said. Maybe I could love him one day.

When the priest said, "You may kiss the bride," I blushed and Andrew beamed at me. He bent towards me and kissed me gently. The guests clapped and cheered and I smiled at him. He kissed me once more before we turned to walk down the aisle. I smiled at my family standing close by, then to Gina and Henry who waved to me. I smile at friends from my youth or friends of my parents and then we were out the church doors. We stood off to the side of the church so we could thank our guests for coming.

Andrew stood close to me, his hand on the lower part of my back as we shivered in the cold. We shook hands and kissed almost everyone before I spotted him. I blanked as my eyes met his.

"Your majesty." Andrew gasped and bowed down. I jumped and curtsied. "What an honor to have you at our wedding."

"It is my pleasure." Adam said smiling at Andrew. He shook his hand and then smiled at me. He leaned in and kissed my cheek, lingering a second too long before he backed away. "I hope you two are very happy." He said his eyes meeting mine. I smiled.

"We are." I said, trying to make it believable. He nodded to me and headed off to talk to more guests. Jesse who stood behind him, didn't offer me a smile just a handshake for Andrew, who he gave a cold look to and a gentle kiss on the cheek.

"Congratulations." He said in a low voice his eyes telling me something else, before he drifted off to follow Adam.

"Do you think we offended him?" Andrew whispered.

"I have no idea." I said watching Jesse smile at a group of giggling girls who Adam had started talking to. He looked back at me and his smile faded.

"Well, you managed to get her down the isle. Well done cousin." Gina's voice in my ear caused me to jump. I smiled brightly and flung my arms around her.

"Thank you for coming!" I exclaimed.

"I wouldn't have missed it for the world." She said. "But I'm afraid that now you and I are too different. We'll have nothing in common anymore."

"Why not?" I frowned.

"Because I'm the towns whore where as you're an old married lady. It just wouldn't be right." She said loudly, causing people to look over in shock. I let out a loud laugh and hugged my dearest friend again.

"Oh Gina. You and I will always be friends. You're like a sister to me." I said, making it clear that I didn't care what anyone thought about her.

"Well there you go." Gina nodded to Andrew. "That means you have to accept me too. If your wife approves of me then so do you. That's the way marriage works." She said sticking her nose up at him.

"How would you know? You're the town's whore." He said seriously. She blinked at him and when he laughed she smacked his arm and pointed a finger at him.

"Just you remember that if it wasn't for me you wouldn't be married to this lovely creature." She said giving me a wink. He smiled and wrapped an arm around my waist.

"You speak the truth dear cousin." He said looking at me. I felt my face heat up and looked away. I spotted Maria and Spencer coming out of the church and a huge smile broke out on my face.

"That is the couple I was telling you about." I whispered to Andrew.

"They're an interesting mix." He said taking in both of their ages.

"It's very common in their world." I said smiling as Maria looked over at me. "But they're so nice." She held her hands out to me and smiled brightly.

"You look beautiful." She kissed my cheek and hugged me. "This is the suitor I presume." She smiled at Andrew and kissed his cheek. "My name is Maria." She said to Andrew.

"This is Andrew, my…husband." I said the word and felt that pebble turn into a flat rock, perfect for skipping stones. Spencer smiled at me and kissed my cheek.

"Well Andrew it was a beautiful wedding." Maria said. "Christmas time too. What a romantic idea." Spencer snorted.

"She says that because we got married on Christmas day too." He said.

"Really?" I looked at her shocked.

"Six years ago." She said looking at him fondly.

"Well happy anniversary." Andrew said.

"I bet you'd rather be anywhere but here." I said and felt Andrew's eyes on me.

"I've told you before Susanna. I love these parties." Maria said. "This will be better then sitting at home exchanging gifts between the two of us." She said looking sad for a second. Spencer touched her arm gently and smiled.

"We'll let you get to the rest of your guests."

"Congratulations you two." We both nodded thanks and went on greeting guests. When I thought my fingers would fall off with the cold they guests disappeared and there was just our carriage waiting.

"Well my darling? Shall we go?" He looked at me and smiled.

"Yes please. I'm starving!" I said, smiling at the sound of his laughter.

The dinner came and went without a hitch. The barn proved to be the best place because it became very warm and could seat almost everyone. The children were the ones who were left standing, but a bunch of them climbed the hayloft and ate up there.

The dancing started after the food was cleared away and the tables were pushed back. Andrew and I danced first to a slow tune, which gradually picked up and soon we were dancing with everyone around us. I smiled at my guests and talked about everything. Women studied my ring, which was solid gold, while men talked about the house that we were going to live in.

After many cups of wine I felt over heated and excused myself. I stood out in the barn and welcomed the cool air on my sticky skin. The snow was falling gently and there was barely a sound. I sighed as I walked out in the snow enjoying the buzz in my head and the peace around me.

"Why did you marry him?" A raspy voice spoke from behind me. I turned around and saw Jesse leaning against the wall. His face was in shadows because it was dark, but I knew it was him.

"I'm sorry?" He stepped towards me and I could see him now.

"Why did you marry him? I know you don't love him."

"I-Well sometimes…love takes a while to grow." I said trying to remember what my father had said.

"Not love like ours."

"Love!" I laughed. "You don't love me. How can you possibly love me? You don't even know me." His face hardened.

"I know that I want you. I want to kiss you and feel you next to me." He said quietly.

"Yes well…"I coughed. "What's bothering you is that you want what you can't have."

"Don't mistake me for Adam. I am not a spoiled child who gets everything he wants." He said and I blinked at him.

"Maybe he does but you smile and every girl goes weak in the knees for you." I said. "I married Andrew because he is…the…he will be a good husband to me."

"I could be good to you." Jesse said, his face inches from mine. His breath smelt of wine and tobacco.

"It's too late." I whispered.

"No, it can never be too late." He said his lips inches from mine.

"Susanna? Are you…" I jumped back and looked at Andrew who had just walked out of the barn. A wind suddenly picked up and his long blonde hair whipped around his face. His eyes never left Jesse's face and his fists were clenched at his side. I coughed and moved towards him, but he never looked at me. Jesse bowed slightly and went into the barn.

"Andrew…" I touched his arm and his angry eyes flicked to mine. "It's not what you think." He studied my face, he shook his head and sighed. He touched my arm and kissed my head. Without another word he went back into the barn and left me in the snow.

The wedding seemed to go on for forever after that. Jesse and Adam left rather quickly and Andrew seemed to lighten up, but never talked to me. Instead he avoided me and danced with everyone else but me. I pushed aside the sobs that were building up and told myself that everything would be all right.

Just as I was drifting off Andrew grabbed my hand and led me out of the barn. The guests who were still awake or present cheered as we left. I was taken away so quickly that I never even said goodbye to my family. All I knew was that there was a bag of my clothes at my feet and we were waving goodbye to all of my guests. When the house disappeared I sank back in the seat and felt Andrew's tense body next to mine.

"Andrew? Are you mad at me?" My voice was no louder than a peep. He was quiet for a second, pretending to be concentrating on driving the horse, but then he sighed and his body deflated.

"You are my wife Susanna." He said.

"I know but…" He held up his hand and I stopped talking.

"You are my wife and I will not sit back and be made a fool by some rich, arrogant bastard." He snapped.

"I'm sorry. But nothing happened."

"Because I was there to save you." He said and I sighed. "I'm not mad at you, Susanna. I just…it just hurt." He looked at me and my heart broke for a second. I never wanted to hurt this man, which was partly the reason why I agreed to marry him in the first place.

"I'm sorry." I said looking down at my lap. His large hand grabbed mine and he brought it to his lips and kissed it gently. The rest of the ride was in silence.

When we got to Andrew's house it was dark and quiet. His house was smaller than mine. It was a tiny stone cottage with a hay and stick roof. It had three rooms, two bedrooms and a kitchen. But like other families in the winter everyone slept in the kitchen. He smiled at me and helped me down from the carriage before he led the horse to the barn. I stood looking at the small house and felt nervous. I clutched my bag tightly and wrapped the shawl around me.

"My mother is staying with my aunt for the week." He whispered. I let out a shaky breath and nodded. His hand grabbed mine and led me towards the house. The wooden door creaked open and we walked into the kitchen. It was a small room, with an iron stove in one corner and a large fireplace opposite to it. The room was dark and cold and the hay on the floor was crisp when we walked on it. Andrew lit the fire and the room brightened up. He looked at me and smiled.

"Are you hungry?"

"No." I whispered, and looked anywhere but at him. There was a painting on the wall but with the lighting and the poor condition of the painting I couldn't tell what it was. I was studying it, trying to get my mind off of what was going to happen when Andrew appeared in front of me.

"Susanna?" I looked at him and he gave me a worried expression. I smiled slightly and dropped my bag. He touched my face gently and kissed my lips. It was gentle at first, soft, careful but it only lasted a second before the kiss was heated and fierce. I wrapped my arms around him and he lifted me from the floor. We moved closer to the fire and lay down.

He lay above me and looked down at me. Something in his eyes were different than normal. They looked at me almost as if he wasn't seeing me. I brought my face up to his and kissed him. I felt his hands undoing my dress and then felt him kiss the bare skin on my shoulder as he worked the dress off of my body and threw it away. I suddenly felt very uncomfortable, as I lay there completely naked.

With one smooth motion his took off his tunic and threw it on top of my dress. His skin was as white as the snow and hard as a rock. His muscles were large due to all the work that he had to do, and I found myself kissing the muscles on his stomach. He shivered when I reached his belly button and I looked up at him. He kissed me deeply and his lips traveled down my neck to my breasts and back up again.

Before I knew it he slipped in side of me and there was a sharp pain. I froze and bit my lip. He knew something was wrong so he froze too. After a minute of just breathing I sighed and kissed him and he continued. The pain was bad but it seemed to leave my mind as a heat took over my body. It grew fast and spread through out my entire body until I was shivering and out of breath. Andrew collapsed on me and we lay their sweating and breathing heavily. He kissed my ribs and made his way up to my lips. His blonde hair was tangled from my hands and sticky from sweat. He smiled down at me and rolled off of me. A cold air hit my body and I shivered. I moved closer to him, out of instinct, and he laughed. As I rested my head against his chest, and listened to the sound of his heart beating, I realized that maybe one day I could love this man.


	11. Civic Duty

The month of December faded out and the New Year took full force. Getting to know my new surroundings was difficult at first. I kept thinking that I had to run upstairs to get my stuff but couldn't find the stairs. And getting along with Andrew's mother wasn't the easiest task either.

Nora Fitzpatrick was a tough woman who didn't like her routine spoiled. She wore her almost white hair in a tight bun and refused to wear her cap unless she was going out in public. She wore a black wool dress in remembrance of her late husband and his untimely death and covered it with a crisp white apron. She squinted at letters because her blue eyes were old and she needed glasses but refused to get them. She was a woman with a strong personality and was very stuck in her ways.

So when she came back from her sister's house, Mother Fitzpatrick had nothing pleasant to say. She would complain that I wasn't washing the dishes right or that the water I used to wash that laundry needed to be warm, but then would yell if I attempted to boil the water. She would make me wash her apron and hang it by the fire each night so it was clean and fresh for the next morning. The only dirt that covered the apron was from the food that slipped from her shaky hands. She only recently let up when I started waking up extra early and making her tea and breakfast.

Married life didn't seem so difficult once you got used to it. My day started off with waking up making breakfast and tea. Andrew would kiss me goodbye before he went to work and I would clean the house while Mother Fitzpatrick did her knitting and talked of the old days. After making lunch I would get two free hours where Mother would take a nap. On those free hours I would do extra chores or visit friends and family. Andrew would finish in the fields just after the sun set and we would have dinner. After dinner we'd say prayers by the painting, which I now knew was the baby Jesus and then Mother would stay up for another hour lecturing Andrew on his hair or me on my physic. She would constantly say that I was too thin to carry a baby and that I needed to eat more. But the more I ate the skinnier I became, which probably was a result from the long nights with my husband.

This particular morning I awoke at normal time, just before the sun rose. I kissed Andrew's sleeping face and wrapped a shawl around my body as I went into the kitchen and started with my daily routine. Today I was planning on visiting my family and Andrew was going to come with me. Mother Fitzpatrick was not up for the "horribly long journey" so she would stay at home and wait for us to get back for dinner time. She lay in front of the fireplace wrapped in two wool blankets and an old quilt her mother had given her as a child. When she was asleep she looked peaceful and gentle but when she awoke her face was hard and cold to everyone apart from Andrew. I made sure to be extra careful in the mornings so that she would not wake. Normally she would lie on the floor and pretend to be sleeping as if afraid that I would ask her to help me.

Today was no different. She lay on the floor in front of the dim fire and her eyes twitched with alertness. I sighed as I put the kettle on the stove and slipped my feet into Andrew's winter shoes. The snow was blowing hard on this January day. The sky was a dull grey as the sun rose somewhere in the distance. The wind whistled against my ears as I walked through the snow to the chicken coop. I slid open the door and startled the warm birds awake. A couple squawked and ruffled their feathers, but I had to collect the eggs for breakfast so ruffled chickens was a good thing.

It took me 10 minutes and three cuts from chicken beaks to obtain 6 eggs. I started back to the house and shivered as the warm air of the house touched my skin.

"Shut the door. Lord almighty it's freezing." Mother snapped wrapping the blankets tighter around her plump body.

"Sorry Mother." I said and shut the door. I slipped out of Andrew's boots and placed the basket of eggs on the table. I grabbed a clay bowl and cracked the eggs on the corner of the bowl. I whisked them up to a yellow paste and lit the stove. Subconsciously I started humming a tune that my mother used to hum while cooking, it was a habit I had recently started doing.

"Well there's no point in trying to sleep when someone's _singing_ in the background." She snapped and sat up.

"Sorry Mother." I said, my back towards her. I smiled as she grumbled. She got up and waddled past me into her cold bedroom to change. She slammed the wooden door and I could hear her mumbling to herself about how ungrateful I was. I shook my head and slipped 6 pieces of old bread onto a pan and placed them on the fire grate. I went back to the eggs and started scrambling them.

As I started humming again I felt two large hands touch my waist and rested on my lower stomach. He kissed my neck and goose bumps broke out over my skin.

"Good morning wife." He said, as he did every morning.

"Good morning." I said and smiled at him. "Breakfast is almost ready." I said and he kissed me again before he let me go.

"I guess I better feed the horses then." He said wrapping his large wool coat around his body.

"I was thinking that we would leave a little earlier." I said side glancing him. "Only because the weather is really bad and it will take us longer to get there."

"What about Mother?" Andrew asked placing a fur hat on his head.

"Oh don't worry about poor old Mother, she can take care of herself." Mother Fitzpatrick said appearing in the kitchen. She added an extra limp to her walk today. I took a deep breath and let it out before I smiled at her.

"Good morning Mother." I said, before kissing the cheek that she held out towards me. "Did you sleep well?"

"Once I finally fell asleep." She eyed me and then Andrew. "It will be so much nicer, and quieter once you've built your own house." She said. Andrew's eyes flicked to mine and I looked away fighting a smile but allowing my face to heat up.

"Sorry Mother." Andrew said and kissed her cheek. She grumbled something and sat in her chair by the fire. She picked up her knitting and continued the project that she was working on. "I'll be 10 minutes." He said to me.

"Make it five. These eggs are almost done." I said with a smile.

"Scrambled eggs again!" Mother groaned. "Don't you know how to make anything else."

"Susanna made us fried eggs yesterday." Andrew defended.

"We eat eggs every day." She grumbled. "One day it's scrambled eggs, the next it's fried. When we're really lucky we get raw eggs." She said reminding me of the breakfast I made when I had first moved in. I had been so eager to please her that I rushed making her fried eggs and they drooped and ran when she ate it. I looked at Andrew.

"Five minutes!" I mumbled and he grinned and nodded before disappearing into the cold.

"I hope you know how lucky you are." She said to me, starting the same rant that happened every other day. I could predict the next words out of her mouth. "He loves you a lot, more than you can even imagine. My husband, god bless his soul, was just like Andrew. He loved me like crazy and I never thought any thing of it until…until he passed and there was no one to love me anymore."

"Oh Mother. You know that we love you very much." I said and she rolled her eyes.

"It's different silly girl."

"Love is love no matter what type it is. Some people just take longer to figure that out." I added and watched her fidget from the corner of my eye.

"Yes well… it still is not the same." She said turning her nose up at me. All that was heard was the crackle of the fire and the clicking of her knitting needles. I started humming again and flipped the pieces of bread to the other side.

Breakfast passed in its usual dull lull, with Mother giving me peculiar glances every now and again. When we finished our meal Andrew went out and took care of the animals before we would leave for my father's house. Mother was going to stay home and take a nap. It was more important to get sleep than visit family apparently.

I dressed in my usual brown wool dress and tied a white apron over my dress. I put my warm stockings on and my clean crisp cap that was almost frozen solid. I made our bed, neatly tucking the clean sheets down the side of the wooden frame. I sighed as I looked around the small dark room. The bed took up three quarters of the room and the only other thing in the room was a window at the top of the wall, opposite of the bed. There was a piece of wood that covered the window and stopped the snow from getting in, but did nothing for the cold. I shook my head and grabbed a white shawl that I had gotten as a wedding present and wrapped it around my shoulders.

I went back into the kitchen and Mother jumped, stuffing something underneath her knitting. I squinted my eyes at her and she pretended like nothing happened.

"What are you making mother?"

"It's a sweater, for Andrew." She said looking at it proudly. So far it was just half of a grey square.

"It's nice. I'm sure he'll love it."

"It probably wont be ready until the summer." She said sadly. "My fingers are just not as fast as they used to be."

"He'll still wear it mother." I said smiling at her. "It gets cool in the summer sometimes." She nodded and looked away from me into the fire.

"Are you sure you're going to be alright here by yourself?" I asked her as I slipped my traveling cloak over my head.

"Of course."

"We will be home before supper time." I said and she nodded. I went to her and kissed her cheek, as she expected me too. I grabbed the cherry pie that I had made and wrapped a tea towel over it before leaving the house. Andrew was tying the horse up to the wagon. There was snow piled on top of his winter hat and on the shoulders of his coat.

"Are you sure she's going to be alright?" I asked, looking back at the house. He smiled at me.

"She'll be fine. Don't worry about her." He said and helped me into the wagon. I shivered as we started moving and the wind blew against us. I snuggled up close to him and he smiled. I felt excitement because for the first time in a month I was going to see my family.

"Aunt Susanna! Aunt Susanna!" Samuel shouted from the front of the house.

"Momma! Aunt Susanna's here!" Aggie said excitedly. The two of them jumped up and down as our wagon pulled up to the front of the house. David came running out of the barn, with Bradley following slowly behind. David helped me down and I was pummeled with little arms wrapped around my body. I smiled and kissed each one, before passing Aggie the pie. I turned to my baby brother and felt sadness in my heart.

"Baby brother. Look at you!" I said touching the red stubble that was forming on his pale face. He no longer looked like that little boy that used to pull my hair. He looked like a young man, tall and skinny with bright eyes.

"Hello sister. I've missed you." He said and wrapped his arms around me. I could see just over top of his shoulder and noticed that Jacob and Papa were standing around too. Papa looked the same, thick wool hat covering long white hair and a grey beard. I noticed that his back bent slightly. He smiled at me and I let go of David and raced to him.

"Oh Papa! I missed you." I said taking in the familiar scents of pipe tobacco and hay. He smiled and kissed my cheek.

"You look well. Are you?" His eyes flicked with worry and I smiled.

"I'm wonderful Papa." I said and he nodded. He kissed my cheek and I moved on to Jacob who stood next to him. In the month that I had been gone Jacob had not changed at all. It was like I just left home the day before. He smiled down at me and kissed my cheek.

"How is our baby doing?" I asked him.

"He's very big now and getting bigger everyday." He said.

"And your wife?"

"She's inside, attempting to clean the house to perfection."

"She made us put down fresh hay in the kitchen this morning." Bradley added. He stood behind Jacob leaning against the house. I smiled at him and he nodded. He still looked miserable, but today he looked worse. His hair was matted and wild and his beard was long and untrimmed. He was not happy to see me, whom I had expected but what I hadn't expected was how cold his eyes were when they met with mine. It sent shivers down my spine.

"I'm going to go in and see Debbie." I said before going into the house and leaving the men to put the horses away. The house was warm and smelt of fresh bread. It was so nice being in a familiar place and nothing had changed. The only big change I noticed was the little baby who lay in his basket sucking on his fist.

"Susanna!" Debbie said walking around the stove as fast as possible. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly. "It feels like it's been years." She said and I agreed with her, holding her tightly. "How has married life treated you? Well?" She said giving me a wink. I looked at Aggie and Samuel who were sitting on the floor playing with the wooden figurines that they had gotten for Christmas.

"It's very good." I said smiling and trying to fight back the blush that was forming on my face. She grinned at me and looked at the kids.

"Why don't you go and play outside for a bit?" it was more of an order than a question.

"But Momma it's freezing." Aggie complained.

"Excuse me miss. Put on your mittens and coats and play outside for a bit before your lunch is ready." They both stood up with sad faces and put on their winter wear before going out into the cold.

"They didn't have to leave." I said picking up the chubby baby. He studied my face carefully before breaking into a grin.

"I need a break sometimes." She said going back to the meal she was preparing. "So tell me."

"Tell you what?" I said touching the baby's soft blonde hair.

"Tell me all about being married." She said.

"Well, it's not much different from being here. Although Mother Fitzpatrick can be very difficult sometimes."

"Susanna, I meant being _married._" She winked at me and I shook my head at her.

"That's private."

"So its good then?" She said.

"I already told you it was."

"Are you pregnant?" She asked and I blanked.

"I…I don't know. I never thought about it." I said looking at the baby in my arms.

"Do you have sex often?" She asked, courteously looking at the food on the counter.

"I…I…"She looked at me as I stuttered and I grinned. "Yes."

"How often? From your grin its more than once a week."

"Once a week?" I frowned. "Is that how its supposed to be?"

"Honey, you're newly married. A man of his age, who waited this long to have sex. He's got to get it out of his system." She chuckled. "I remember what it was like the first two months after marrying your brother." I cringed and shook my head.

"That is not something I would like to hear."

"You're pregnant." She said with a nod and I laughed.

"How do you know that?" I felt nervous now, and scared.

"Because you've got to be. I mean having sex that many times always brings a baby." She smiled and looked at the baby in my arms.

"Then you get two almost 10 years of marriage and your all you want to say is stay away from me. Three children are enough." She said and I laughed.

"Does that work?"

"It would if he wasn't so cute." She said looking out the window. I studied the love in her face and thought if I would ever truly love Andrew like that. I knew that I loved him in a way, but not the way that Debbie loved Jacob. Their love was real.

"I…I don't think I'm ready for a baby yet." I said. "I mean I don't even know my own husband."

"It's a baby that will help you get to know him better." She smiled at me. "Trust me. Its amazing to see a man transform when he has his own baby in his arms." I nodded and looked at Nathaniel.

The front door opened and I wrapped the blanket around the baby tighter to shield him from the cold air.

"Lunch ready yet?" Jacob asked as they all trooped inside.

"Yes, sit down and try not to get snow everywhere please." Debbie said and she placed seven plates on the table. The kids shivered as they sat on the floor next to the fire. Debbie gave them each a plate and we sat around the table as a hot lunch of stew and fresh bread was being served. Andrew sat next to me and placed his finger into the palm Nathaniel's outstretched hand. He would be a good father; I knew that, yet the thought of having a baby terrified me. If I didn't love my husband, how could I love a baby?

"Are you alright Susanna?" Papa asked tearing me away from my thoughts. I looked around at all the worried faces and smiled.

"Yes Papa, just thinking."

"Very dangerous thing to do for women." Papa said and then men laughed as Debbie and I scowled.

"I'll have you know that it's women her are a lot smarter than _you men!_" She snapped at them and Jacob smiled, where as the rest of them shut up. "Don't make me remind you about the saddle incident." She said and their faces went red.

"What saddle incident?" I asked.

"Momma had to show them how to put the new saddle on Joe." Aggie said proudly.

"Joe?"

"He's our new horse." Debbie explained.

"Interesting that a dumb woman like you knew how to put a saddle on a horse. Isn't a big, strong, smart man supposed to know how to do that?"

"Alright, if you two have had enough." Papa said with a sigh and Debbie and I burst into laughter.

Lunch plates were cleared and dessert was served. Before I knew it the sun was fading and darkness filled the sky. Andrew and I said our goodbyes and promised the children that they would be allowed to visit us for the night when our house was finished.

The trip home was long and quiet but it was comfortable and soothing. I sighed as I touched my stomach and wondered if it was possible that I was pregnant. I knew it was possible but I always imagined that if I were pregnant I would know it.

The house was quiet and a very dim light came through the window from the kitchen. I looked at Andrew with a worried expression and smirked.

"I would've never thought that you would worry about her this much." He said as he helped me down from the wagon.

"Do you think she is alright?"

"She's probably still napping." As he said this I realized that he was probably right. He led the horses into the barn and I pushed open the wooden door.

I was surprised to see Mother Fitzpatrick sitting at the table. She was staring at a piece of paper and her head was in her hands, as if something was troubling her.

"Mother? Are you feeling ill?" I said rushing to her side. I knelt down in front of her and she looked at me with a stern expression and when she saw my concern it softened. She touched my cheek gently and shook her head. "What is it?" I asked and she sighed and handed me the paper. It had the royal crest on it and was written in fine hand writing. I looked at her and she nodded.

The letter said,

_Addressed to Mrs. Susanna Fitzpatrick_

_ Your work is requested at the castle in Windsor for when the King makes his yearly visits. It is your civic duty to serve the King. When he returns on the 4__th__ of February you are required to be there to greet him with at least a months worth of training. He will be staying at Windsor castle for approximately three months. When he is gone you will be allowed to return home to your family until he returns again. _

_ Sincerely _

_ Lord Paul McTavish, Master of arms. _

I read the letter three times before I looked back up at her. We sat staring at each other and I was at a complete loss for words.

"I…But this means that…"

"You have to leave tomorrow." She whispered. I felt tears in my eyes and stared at her old tired face.

"What's going on?" Andrew said as he came in the door. With me sitting on the ground by Mother's feet he would naturally assume something was wrong. Especially since both of us were on the verge of tears. I stood up and smiled.

"Nothing dear."

"Don't lie to me Susanna. Your horrible at it." He said grinning at me. "What is it?" I sighed and looked at the letter. I handed it to him and he looked at me curiously. As his eyes took in the words his face changed from a gentle peace to a fierce anger.

"No! You wont go."

"She has to son."

"They've called upon my civic duty."

"I wont let you. You are my wife for God's sake!" His face was dark red.

"You don't have any say when it comes to the King Andrew." Mother said to him. She remained in her seat and studied the wood of the table. Andrew looked at his mother and frowned at her.

"How long have you had this for?" he asked her. She tensed but didn't look at him. "How long?" He shouted and caused us both to jump. She looked up at him with a horrified look.

"I…I just…three weeks." She admitted and I blanked. She had this letter for three weeks and never told us. Andrew looked at me and shook his head.

"Why didn't you tell me you had this letter?" I asked moving towards her.

"I…I thought that this would be the…I'm ashamed Susanna. I've been stupid."

"She thought that this would break us up." Andrew spat.

"But we're married. How could we break up?" I asked.

"With the new church laws marriage annulments are allowed." He scowled. "She can't stand having anything taken away from her. Which is why she never married after my father died, which is why she hated the idea of me getting married, which is why she was so cruel to you when you moved in. She did this on purpose." He spat again and Mother let out a quiet sob. I went to her and knelt down in front of her.

"Andrew there is no need to be so harsh. I dislike change as well." I said wiping her tears with my shawl. The old woman's fragility made me sympathize with her more than I should have. Andrew let out a frustrated sigh and grabbed at his head.

"What are you going to do?" She asked me. I sighed and shook my head.

"How can we fight this?" He said shaking the letter at us.

"We can't." I said. His face was furious.

"He did this!" He said looking at me.

"Who did what?" Mother asked but I knew whom he meant. He meant Jesse.

"Don't be ridiculous. He would never…"

"Oh no? A spoiled rich kid wouldn't do anything he could to get what he wanted?" He said looking at me angrily.

"Andrew, please. He knows I'm married."

"That didn't stop him on our Wedding day!"

"What is going on?" Mother said.

"Can you excuse us please mother? I need to talk to my wife." He grabbed my arm tightly and led me out to the barn.

"He did this one purpose Susanna. He wants to take you away from me."

"Andrew nothing is going to happen."

"Four months is a very long time Susanna."

"Andrew please believe me." Tears filled my eyes and I tried to think of some way to get him to stop shouting at me.

"The nerve of him. A week after we're married and he sends this!" He took the paper and ripped it. "See what I think of our King."

"Andrew, nothing will happen."

"You can not be sure of that."

"I'm pregnant." I blurted out and then looked at him shocked. He stopped pacing and stared at me. His eyes studied my face and then flicked to my stomach.

"Are you sure?" His voice was quiet and I nodded my head. I don't know where the lying came from, but all I needed was for him to not be so angry. His anger faded and a smile broke over his face. He cupped my face and kissed me.

"A baby!" he said and I smiled. "A baby!" He picked me up and twirled me around. "That is wonderful news."

"In four months I'll be fat and grumpy." I said when he put me down. "You wont even want to be near me."

"That's highly unlikely." He said kissing me again. "Besides your too skinny anyways, remember." He said smirking and I hit him playfully in the stomach.

We stopped laughing and we stared at each other.

"Tomorrow will be a busy day."

"It will be the worst day ever." He said touching my cheek gently.

"We can get through this." I said and smiled at him. He nodded and grabbed my hand.

"Lets tell Mother about the baby."

"Do you think we should?" I asked, panic rising in my chest. He looked at me concerned.

"Why wouldn't we?"

"I…I don't know. I guess I'm just a little scared." I looked down.

"Don't be scared darling. It will be alright." He kissed my hand as we walked towards the house. "By the time the baby comes the house will be done and we'll be in our own place." I smiled at him but still couldn't help the feeling that I had just told the biggest lie of my life.

The next day was a blur. A carriage arrived to pick me up right before lunch. I had barely finished packing my things when mother burst into the room and told me that a man was waiting for me. When I went out to the yard the servant from the King's Coronation smiled at me. Andrew kissed me sadly and mother cried.

The young man sat tall in the carriage and Andrew helped me into the compartment. There were two benches covered in soft purple fabric with glass windows on each side and a glass window at the back of the black canvas.

"I'll miss you." He said and I smiled and touched his cheek.

"Remember me this way, because four months from now I will be fat and grumpy." I said with a smile and kissed him again before the carriage pulled away. I looked out the back window and my family stood staring at me with pure sadness. I watched as Mother tried to comfort Andrew and he pulled away from her and marched into the barn. I sighed and said a silent prayer that everything would work out.


	12. The Fear of Hungry Eyes

I was welcomed at the castle with a quiet, eerie greeting. In the month that I had been gone the place had completely transformed into a different place. It was dark and gloomy and very quiet. An old woman, named Marian met me. She was a tall woman with dark black hair, streaked with grey, which she wore in a bun. She had on a crisp black servants dress and apron. She sniffed at me with annoyance and ordered me to follow her. I carried my small traveling bag, holding it close to my body, as I was led down one dark hallway after another. Seeing the place in desertion was tarnishing the memory that I kept from being here for the King's coronation.

"This is where we stay." She snapped at me. I thought she must have lost her mind for she stood looking at the wall in front of her. "Well?" She looked at me expectantly and I just stared back. "They said you have been here before and therefore would know about the secret entrance ways."

"Last time I was here, I was a guest."

"Oh a guest." She said with a sniff. She gave me a scornful smile and pushed open the wall. "We only use the secret passage. Servants are not to be seen or heard. Therefore you are not allowed to wander down the hallways of the castle whilst there are nobility here." I nodded with each instruction. The room was dark, with the occasional torch burning on the wall. She passed a row of doors and came to a room with a large table in the middle of the room and a fire pit. "We eat here, laugh here and sleep here. This is our home for the next four months." She walked around the table and continued on down the rest of the hallway. As we walked I became aware that there wasn't a single person around.

"Where is everyone?" I peeped.

"Cleaning the castle. Do you know how much work cleaning a castle requires? This place must be cleaned from top to bottom before his majesty's arrival."

"Oh." I spoke no louder than a whisper. She stopped a small wooden door at the end of the long hallway.

"This is where you will be sleeping." She said standing straight with her hands clasped tightly in front of her. "You will be sharing the room with another girl. I would suggest going to sleep early. We do not accept late risers." She said promptly and I nodded. She turned on her heel and strode down the hallway.

"Thank you." I called after her but she kept walking as if she didn't hear me. "Fat Cow." I said as I opened the door and was greeted with blackness. I picked up a torch off the wall and brought it into the room with me. Beside the door was a basket for the torch to sit in and it illuminated the small room.

There were two tiny wooden beds with hay mattresses and crisp white sheets. The bed closest to the door had a bright red traveling bag sitting at the foot of the bed and a pair of white slippers next to the bed. On the other bed was a servants uniform and a pair of black shoes.

I sighed as I sank down onto the bed and looked around the dark, windowless room. When I had read the letter a tiny spark grew inside of me. I had been slightly excited to be here again, to see the beautiful colours and eat wonderful food. Now sitting in this dull, dark room that spark was gone and in its place was a cold block of ice-cold disappointment. I looked at my uniform and new that I better change before the matron came back and scolded me for staying in my cell too long.

I was just tying on my apron when the door squeaked open and an exhausted Ceecee strode into the room. When she spotted me she jumped and smiled.

"You're here!" She said flinging her arms around me. I was surprised at first but I welcomed her embrace and laughed.

"You knew I was coming?" I asked.

"His majesty sent me here to show you how this place runs before Marian could turn you to mush." She said and kicked off her shoes. She rubbed her feet and brushed back a loose strand of hair from her face.

"Am I late in arriving?" I asked, feeling nervous.

"No, I'm just taking a small break before I continue in my chores." She sighed and lay back on her bed, resting her hands behind her head. "I've been given the task of cleaning all of the King's rooms." She said. "And you get to help me."

"Oh."

"He's got 12 rooms. Don't ask me why and what he uses them for but he has twelve rooms for various different things."

"Women probably." I said and then covered my mouth. She smiled at me and nodded.

"Definitely. The King's mistresses only get the best." She sighed and looked at the ceiling. "It's beautiful in here isn't it? It gives of a certain warm, cozy feeling." She said sarcastically.

"I feel like the Bean family in Scotland." I said looking at the walls made of grey stone.

"Did you hear of that? An entire family of cannibals living in Aryshire." Ceecee said, her eyes wide with shock and disgust. We went quiet as we recalled the news of the family who had been attacking travelers passing through Aryshire. The news had traveled fast thought out Britain of this abnormal family.

A man called Sawney Bean and his wife, with their 14 children lived in a mile long cave that was people thought was impossible to live in. For an estimated 25 years this growing family attacked travelers, stole their clothes and money and striped the meat from their bones as if they were common livestock. One day a young couple were coming home from a local fair in Edinburgh and were attacked by the family. The young wife was killed quickly but the man put up a fight and was rescued by other travelers who happened to be passing by at the right moment.

King James VI led 400 men to the Aryshire in search for the Bean family. In 25 years the incestuous family grew to 48 men and women. Once found the family was dragged through the streets of Edinburgh where the men had their limbs severed and the women were burned at the stake.

"So I hear you got married." Ceecee said, pulling me from my disturbing thoughts and give me a bright smile. I nodded and smiled back. She squealed and rolled over. "So…tell me all about it. What's he like?"

"Andrew? He's wonderful. Very handsome." I smiled.

"You have to describe him better than that!" She whined and I smirked.

"He's got long curly blonde hair and brown eyes. He's very tall and has…amazing muscles." I smirked and Ceecee bit her lip. "He's very sweet and always asks me how I slept in the morning."

"He sounds simply delicious." She said and I laughed. I had forgotten how much I missed her. "So what was your wedding like? Crazy and uncoordinated or sweet and simple?"

"It all happened so sudden that I barely remember." I said honestly. I looked at the gold band that was on my finger and thought of Andrew back at home.

"What do you remember?"

"It snowed and I was very nervous."

"What else?"

"The King was there."

"That's what you remember about your wedding? It snowed, you were nervous and that the King was there?" I blushed and Ceecee shook her head. "Weddings are supposed to be unforgettable. Every detail is planned perfectly."

"My wedding was…very sudden." I repeated and looked at her. She studied my face, squinting at me.

"You didn't want to get married, did you?" She said and my face heated. I shook my head but didn't look at her. I could feel her watching me but she never moved. "It's ok. Most women don't want to marry their husbands." I looked up at her and she shrugged.

"I should be happy now though." I admitted. "I mean being married is fine. You always have someone to talk to and someone there when you need a hand."

"Plus to keep you warm at night." Ceecee smiled at me and I rolled my eyes.

"Yes that too, but I feel…the connection between us…it's just…"

"Not like the one you have for Jesse?" She said and I blanked.

"I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Don't worry Suze. I wont say anything." She smiled at me and I let out a shaky breath.

"Suze huh?" I said raising my eyebrow and she smiled.

"I hate Ceecee and you hate Suze. So we're even." She smiled and I nodded. She lay back on the bed and was quiet for a moment.

"So your husband must be mad that you're here."

"He is, but I told him that I am pregnant and he seemed fine after that."

"Are you pregnant?" She asked and I looked at her.

"No." I said, feeling the familiar pain flowing through my lower stomach. I had felt these same pains early this morning, but chose to ignore them. It wasn't until I changed out of my clothes that I had to face he reality that there was no baby. How would I tell him that I wasn't actually pregnant? How could I explain the fact that there was no baby?

"What is the world does he do with this room?" I asked opening the big thick green blinds and looking around the perfectly square room. The floor had a dark green rug to match the drapes and there was only a step stool in the middle of the room. Along the wall were large golden spheres that were attached to the walls. Ceecee popped her head in through the door that led to the King's bathroom and smiled. She went to the white wall and pulled one of the knobs and the whole wall opened. Inside was a large wardrobe that was full of clothes.

"It's a dressing room." She said.

"I would have never guessed." I said as I felt the soft texture of a fur tunic. She smiled and me and closed the wardrobe.

"He has so many clothing items that he keeps some here some at the Buckingham palace and some at the Vacation home on the coast."

"Do I clean each outfit?"

"You'll have to take them out and pat the dust off of them." She said and I nodded as I pulled the rag from my apron.

I had been here for three weeks now and Ceecee had shown me everything from cleaning the floors to how to properly serve someone hot water to wash their hands. We would practice curtsying late at night while some of the other servants sat around the table and ate or drank or played music.

I went to one of the golden spheres and pulled on it. Only this one did not open a door but slid open to reveal perfectly crisp stockings, all stacked in neat piles one beside the other. I lifted out a pair and felt the soft fabric and how money could create the most wonderful things. I placed them in the drawer and went to the large glass windows that opened out to the grounds below. The storm had just leaving the snow fresh from any prints and sparkling in the sun. The fresh air made the room come to live and gave me a sudden burst of energy. I hummed as I took out each article of clothing and started patting the dust out of it.

About halfway through all the King's clothing the sound of horses caused me to look out the window. The smile on my face dropped as I noticed the golden carriages slowly moving down the drive towards the castle.

"Ceecee…" I said watching the parade with frozen shock. "Ceecee! He's here!" I shouted and tucked the clothes back into the closet.

"Who's here?" She said coming into the room. She spotted the procession and her eyes grew wide. "Oh good Lord Almighty!" She said and disappeared. I quickly shut the window and made sure that all the cupboards and drawers were closed before I chased after her.

"He's Here!" Ceecee shouted as she raced down the hallways. "He's here! Everyone finish quickly and get down stairs." She shouted. Servants of all kinds stopped what they were doing and a burst of panic started. People were running all over the place.

"What is the meaning of this Cecily?" Marian said as she appeared in front of us. She stood with her hands on her plump hips looking down at us like we were dirt underneath a rug.

"The King is here." Ceecee said and Marian looked towards the large windows that were close by. She walked towards them, unable to believe that Ceecee was telling the truth.

"That's impossible. He isn't supposed to be here for another three days." Marian said.

"Well he's here so we better get everyone downstairs to greet him." Ceecee said pushing past Marian.

"Only the head servants greet the King." Marian said sticking her chest out, making it obvious that we were not one of the head servants that would greet the King.

"I'm positive that the King will want to see me there." Ceecee said.

"Yes he will want to see _you _there, but not her." She said nodding at me and I looked at Ceecee.

"She'll be fine. He asked for her specifically." She said placing her hand on my wrist and pulling me down the stairs. Marian grabbed my other wrist and pulled back.

"He asks for many of his servants specifically." She snapped. "But they never get the honor of greeting the king." Ceecee let go of my hand and stared up at Marian.

"He will…"

"The King does not care what servants greet him. All he cares about is that the palace is clean when he gets here." Marian said. "She can finish the work that she was doing." She said letting go of my arm and pushing me up the stairs. I looked down at Ceecee and she frowned at me. "Well what are you waiting for? The King is here. Get to work." Her sharp tone made me jump and I scurried up the stairs back to the dressing room and finished patting out the clothes.

As I took one of the fur coats out of the wardrobe I moved close to the window and tried desperately to see the people down below. I could see the tops of the carriages and the brief glance of people moving about. But I was too high up to see any faces. I watched for a second longer before I sighed and moved back to grab another coat.

My first thought flicked to Jesse. Would he be here or was he coming later? Was he really behind my service being needed at the castle? I thought of my wedding night and how he was so close to me that I could feel his breath on my lips. I remembered how despite the cold air his hands were warm on my arms and they seemed to heat up my entire body.

I sighed and shook my head as a familiar heat filled my body. It had been a long three weeks without my husband and I needed to remember what it was like before we married. For that was the only way that I would survive at this place.

I folded one of the white cotton nightgowns and put in back into a drawer before I closed it. I polished the knob with my rag and moved onto the next drawer. As it opened I spotted a pair of boots by the window and when I looked up I blanked.

"Your majesty." I said and bowed down into a curtsey. He stood perfectly still and watched me try to maintain my balance.

"Miss Simon. Such a pleasure to see you again." He said and when I looked up he smiled at me. He used my maiden name even though he knew I was married. Was I supposed to correct him?

"I was just…leaving." I said and headed towards the secret door that I had come through.

"How are you liking living here?" he asked catching me off guard. I stopped and looked up at him before looking away. He still looked the same as he had when I last saw him, only now he had a small beard growing on his face and his eyes looked tired. He stood straight and proud and looked down his long nose at you.

"I like it very much. Thank you sir." I said bowing again.

"Better than that smelly old hut that you're husband lives in?" He said and I looked up at him with shock.

"I…I…That is my home sir." I said looking down at the ground. My heart was beating so fast that I was sure he could hear it. How dare he insult my husband! How dare he insult our poor living conditions! Not all of us were blessed by being born into royal families. I bit my tongue to hold all my comments back.

"I didn't mean to offend you." He said moving closer to me.

"What did you mean to do then?" I snapped and looked up at him. His brown eyes sucked me in and I could think of nothing else but them. They captivated her and before she knew it he was standing directly in front of her.

"You are something I have never seen before." He said and I blinked. His hand came up and touched a loose curl beside me cheek. "You are so different from other women." He said his eyes glancing quickly at my lips before meeting my eyes again.

"I am a woman like any other. Only I differ from some because I am married." I said and he stopped moving towards me. He dropped his hand to his side and nodded. I curtsied again and quickly left the room. I raced down the dark hallway and didn't stop till I was in my room. It wasn't Jesse at all who had sent for me. It was the King himself. Andrew was correct in thinking that he was trying to break us up and I now realized that I had to be extra careful while I lived at the castle.

"What a day." Ceecee said as she sat down on the bench next to me. I smiled at her, my mouth full of rabbit stew and bread. Mac, an older servant was playing a fiddle in the corner and Daisy was dancing around the room with Jane, town of the younger maids. Ceecee took a spoonful of stew and sighed. "You forget to eat sometimes."

"I haven't seen you since this morning." I said wiping my mouth with my apron.

"The King had me running special errands all day. He was in a right mood when I brought up his lunch."

"Oh?" I said pretending that I knew nothing of his mood.

"He scowled at me when I walked in and snapped at me when I placed the sandwich on the writing desk." She sighed. "He made me stand beside his bed and hold the tray while he ate his sandwich lying in bed." I frowned as if this confused me and studied my stew. "His clothes were in a right state too. Like he had just…" I looked at her and she winked.

"I don't think I can eat this anymore." I said and pushed the bowl away.

"I'll eat it for you Susanna." Big Tom said from across the table. His big beefy hand grabbed my bowl and he devoured the stew within two minutes. He smiled at me through his red beard and winked. I shook my head and turned back to Ceecee.

"So what do you think is wrong with him?" I asked.

"I think it's because of you." She whispered.

"Me?" I felt my stomach churn. "Why me?"

"I just got the feeling." She said with a shrug. I narrowed my eyes at her and she smiled. "My grandmother is a medicine woman and she is constantly reminding me to be aware of how the air feels." I blinked at her and she laughed. "My father thinks she's crazy too." She said and we both laughed as we sipped our mugs of ale.

"Did you see Jesse?" I asked and she shook her head.

"He did not arrive with the King and when I asked where he was the King snapped at me and told me servants don't ask questions." She frowned clearly trying to fight off the tears. "He never talks to me like that."

"Oh Ceecee, he was probably just tired from the trip. Don't worry he'll be back to normal in no time."

"I hope so. I really hope they have no had a row." She said with a sigh and finished the last of her stew.

"What would they have to fight about?"

"I'm not sure, but the last time they did fight they didn't talk to each other for six months and I got stuck in the middle of it." She sighed looking exhausted all of a sudden.

"It will be ok Ceecee. Don't worry about them so much."

"Yes Cecily. Don't worry. Come and dance with me." Big Tom said getting up and causing the table to shake. He stood at a wondrous height of 6 ft 8 and spoke with a thick Scottish accent. He was the butcher and worked in the kitchens every day. He grabbed Ceecee's tiny hands in his and pulled her off of the bench with one smooth movement. Mac started playing a fast tune and with his hand hidden by Ceecee's long blonde hair, the two of them skipped around the dinning area. Daisy and Jane followed queue and soon many people were laughing and dancing around the kitchen. I smiled and clapped along to the music, yet my mind could not forget those brown eyes that looked at me with such hunger that fear had started growing in the pit at my stomach.


	13. The Black Bucket

Having the King living in the castle gave the place a different buzz. It went from a dull quiet buzz to a edgy nervous buzz. People were barely sleeping in case they forgot to do something or that they might miss the bell ringing at night. Plus the King's constant bad mood made the living conditions a little but harder.

A couple of days after Adam moved back in I was cleaning the grand staircase, step by step, as Marian ordered.

"Suze!" Ceecee cried from the top of the steps.

"Don't come down here!" I shouted at her before she stepped onto my perfectly clean marble. "I just washed it." I grumbled and she laughed.

"We got the night off tonight!" She said excitedly. I looked up at her and she beamed.

"The night off?"

"We can go wherever we want but we have to be back tomorrow before lunch."

"I didn't think that was possible." I said placing the rag into the wooden bucket of soapy water.

"Every now and again a couple servants are offered nights off as a token of gratitude."

"That's wonderful." I said smiling brightly.

"So I was thinking that we should go to the Black Bucket tonight." She said crouching down and speaking quieter as a servant dashed by.

"The Black Bucket? What's that?"

"It's a tavern in town. It has great music and fantastic food." She practically whispered. "Unless you'd rather go home to your husband." She spoke with a smile but I could tell that she didn't want me to leave her.

"No, of course I'll go out with you." I said giving her a smile. "It sounds like fun!" Ceecee squealed and clapped her hands.

"Did you bring any of those fancy dresses?" She asked and I blanked.

"I didn't think I would need them." I said.

"Don't worry. I have an extra dress that you can wear." She smiled at me and gave me a wink before she disappeared back down the hallway.

As I scrubbed the dirt off the step I thought of Andrew. He would appreciate me getting the night off to go and visit him. It is what every wife should do. But here I was agreeing to go to tavern and spend the night surrounded by drunken men and whores instead of being with him. I sighed trying to get rid of the bad feelings that were growing in my body.

Our day finished once supper was served. I walked into the dinning area and the smell of roasted chicken made my stomach grumble. I slumped down on the bench and waited for a plate to be passed to me.

"Come on Suze! We need to get ready." Ceecee said as she dashed by.

"Get ready?" Big Tom looked at Ceecee and then me.

"We got the night off." I said and everyone made some sort of whistle or comment.

"Must be nice." Daisy said, grumbling as she picked up her chicken.

"Wish I got a day off." Jane complained.

"You…you don't get days off?"

"We live here all year round so we don't need days off. According to _his majesty._" Jane said.

"Be fair Jane." Mac wheezed from the corner. "You spent two whole weeks with you family."

"That was months ago." She complained, giving him a dirty look behind her short red hair.

"Mrs. Fitzpatrick was pulled from her husband to come and work here. She has the right to go and visit him once in a while." Mac defended and I looked down at my empty plate.

"Yes but is she going to see her husband?" Daisy spat and I blushed. Everyone sitting around was quiet and I swallowed nervously.

"No. We are going out to have fun." I said lifting my chin and drawing in a shaky breath. "Now if you'll excuse me. You're self pity has made me lose my appetite." I snapped and left the table. I walked proudly down the hallway to our room and slammed the door behind me. Then I collapsed against it.

"What happened?" Ceecee said as she pulled a white blouse over her head.

"They were asking me where we were going and complaining that they don't get any days off."

"By they you mean Daisy and Jane?" She asked flinging her blonde hair behind her. I nodded and started undoing my dress.

"Fat cows. They complain about everything. One time I overheard Jane complaining that the air was too thick." I looked over my shoulder at Ceecee and she nodded. "We were cleaning the fountain in the middle of spring with a breeze in the air." I started laughing and Ceecee joined me. The two of us created so much noise that when we were done we could hear the silence from the dinning room.

"Here this one is yours." Ceecee said, taking a red dress from the bed. It matched Ceecee's dress almost perfectly, accept mine corseted in the front, where as Ceecee's was in the back. It was a long red tunic, which was commonly called a kirtle that had no sleeves but thick straps. I slipped the long sleeved white blouse over my head and tied red bows around my elbows to create bell sleeves. Then I slipped the dress over my head and pulled my hair from my cap. I tied the silver tread that hung from the front of my dress until it fit nicely to my frame. When I looked up at Ceecee she smiled at me.

"Perfect fit. Here tie mine, would you?" She turned and lifted her hair and I started pulling at the gold threads of her blue dress. "This is so exciting." She giggled and I shook my head.

"Have you never been to a tavern before?"

"I've never had anyone to go with." She admitted. "Why have you?"

"Once, when I was twelve. I went with my brother." I said remembering the day we went to get Debbie's ring.

"Well tonight is going to be fun. I can feel it." She said dropping her hair when I tied the last knot. I grabbed my wool stockings and pulled them on before putting on my traveling shoes. "It's unfortunate that there is snow outside or we could wear nice shoes."

"I love the snow." I said as if I needed to defend it. She smiled at me and shook my head.

"You would love the snow." She grabbed a black shawl and I grabbed my white one and we wrapped them over our arms as we left the room.

"Well don't you look as pretty as a tulip!" Big Tom said looking at Ceecee.

"Have you seen tulips Tom?" Ceecee asked smiling at him and he blushed.

"In my dreams." He said looking at her. There was a twinkle in his eye and I wondered if Ceecee had seen it too. She smiled and shook her head.

"We'll see you all in the morning." She said directing her words directly at Jane and Daisy who scowled back. She patted Big Tom's shoulder and led the way out.

The journey to the tavern was a long and cold one. I loved seeing the snow fall, and playing in the snow but I hated walking in it. We held our dresses up around our knees and trudged through the thick snow. It took us close to an hour to get to the tavern.

It was a small building that stood all by itself, separated from the other buildings. It had a black sign shaped like a bucket that had gold letters, The Black Bucket. Ceecee looked at me excitedly as music poured onto the streets. We watched a man stumble out and rest against the wall. He smiled at us and then his face went green and he vomited against the wall. I cringed and felt Ceecee drag me inside.

This tavern was very similar to the one I had been to before. The only difference was that this tavern was bigger. There was a staircase along the far wall, across from the bar that led to a balcony. There were large tables up there where people would go to have meetings or to talk in private.

Around the room there were men and women of all sorts dancing, singing, drinking and have a grand old time. There was a group of men sitting off to one corner playing music. Jacob had tried to educate David and I in musical instruments when we were younger but the only ones I could remember were the pipe (a simple instrument with only three melody holes), the drum (also called tambours, were made from a hollow tree trunk and covered by skins of water animals) and the Psaltery (a cross between a harp and a guitar).

"Come on!" Ceecee shouted and pulled me through a crowd of people till we were at the bar. A tiny girl with long red hair and dark brown eyes smiled at us.

"What can I get for ya'?" she said with a thick Scottish accent.

"Two pints please." Ceecee said and fished out her change purse from the front of her dress. She had instructed me to keep it somewhere safe where no one was going to touch you without your permission. So my change purse sat snug between my breasts, causing me to feel like I had three breasts instead of two.

"That'll be 3 pennies please." She said and Ceecee gave her the three copper coins.

"That's so expensive." I whispered to her and she shrugged.

"Is this yur first time out ladies?" The barmaid asked us. I smiled and nodded at her and she grinned a bright smile back.

"I'd suggest sittin' in the corner with her back te the wall. That way no one can grab ya when yur not lookin'." She said.

"Oi, Trish! Bring me another." A fat, bald man called from down the bar. She rolled her eyes and gave us a wink before moving off down the bar.

"See any tables in the corners?" Ceecee asked and I stood on my tiptoes trying to see. By the large fireplace was an empty table. I poked her and pointed to it and she followed me. We sat both with our back to the fireplace and we watched everyone around us.

"Cheers!" She said clinking her musket with mine. I grinned at her and we took a big gulp of the bubbling ale. I sighed and she let out a small belch. I laughed at her and we fell into silence. As we warmed out backsides by the fire I studied a group of men who were huddled over a table and looked to be having a serious discussion. The only reason why I noticed them was because they had been looking at us. I watched them for a moment longer and decided not to tell Ceecee because it might ruin her night.

Ceecee finished her drink within seconds and was up to get more ale. She left me sitting at the table all by myself. So I studied my mug and waited for her to come back. When I felt the bench across from me move I looked up with a smile. But it fell when I realized that it wasn't Ceecee at all.

"Hello Susanna." Jesse said, his blue eyes twinkling.

"He-Hello." I looked towards the bar but Ceecee was talking to some young man with bright orange hair. I looked back at Jesse and he smiled at me.

"Here with your husband?" he asked.

"No…I'm here with Cee- Cecily." I said and looked towards the bar again.

"Cecily? I haven't seen her in a while." Jesse said looking over his shoulder. "We grew up together you know." He said and I raised my eyebrows as if this was new information to me. I didn't want him knowing that we talked about him when he wasn't there.

"She's a close friend." I said and he nodded, his eyes never leaving mine.

"So what are you doing in Windsor?"

"I'm working for the King." I said and his eyes darkened. He nodded and looked into the fire.

"For how long?" He asked. I noticed the sharpness to his tone and remembered that Ceecee said they were in a fight.

"Three months, four if you include last month." I said and took a sip of my drink. He watched me carefully and then smiled.

"He fancies you." He said. I coughed on the drink and took a couple seconds to breath.

"Pardon?"

"He fancies you. The king." Jesse said, smiling slightly.

"I…I…I'm married."

"I know and he knows that. He just…can't deal with that." Jesse said looking at his folded hands.

"Can you deal with that?" I asked him and his eyes flicked up to mine.

"I'm trying to." He whispered. I couldn't breath; my body had stopped working to give my mind time to think about what he just said.

"Well, well. If it isn't the love of my life!" Ceecee said appearing behind Jesse. He smirked up at her and stood.

"Hello Cecily."

"Where have you been?" She said wrapping her arms tightly around his shoulders. "Susanna and I have gotten through two drinks already."

"I'm still on my first Ceecee." I said and she chuckled.

"Oh right. I've gotten through two drinks."

"Two drinks and your like this." Jesse shook his head.

"Be a good sport and buy us another round wont you?" She said as she placed a full mug of ale on the table. "This ones for you." She said to me and gave me a wink. I looked up at Jesse with an amused smile and he shook his head.

"I don't need another one." I said and he nodded before disappearing to the bar.

"Well, he's looking mighty handsome tonight." She said as she watched him walk away. I smiled as I tried to hide my jealousy.

"He is very handsome." I admitted.

"I've always dreamed of marry him. Even when I was a little girl and he would put mud in my hair." Her purple eyes twinkled with the firelight and I shook my head.

"You should tell him that."

"I did tell him." She said. "Didn't you hear me?" I laughed.

"Ceecee you should actually tell him." She studied my face and then smiled.

"I would never do that to you." She said and I blanked.

"I'm a married woman. What do I care who he marries?" I said trying to give my most convincing smile. She studied my face and gave me a wink.

"Well if you say so."

"If who says what?" Jesse said sitting down beside Ceecee. He slid her drink to her and she smiled at him.

"You'll see." She said smiling and taking a big sip. Jesse's eyes flicked to mine and I shrugged and smiled.

"So what are you two doing here?" He said looking up at the coat of arms hanging on the wall above the fireplace.

"We got the night off." I said.

"After begging him." Ceecee admitted. "I even had to pull the whole. _Susanna's a married woman and she should have the right to visit her husband _card." I stared at Ceecee horrified. I could feel Jesse watching me but I couldn't take my eyes off of the girl who was trying to lick white foam off her top lip.

"You…You said that?" I said and she nodded to me with a smile. When she saw my expression her smile faded.

"I'm sorry. I just really wanted to get out and have some fun." Her forehead creased. "I figured you needed some fun too."

"I…It's just…"

"I'm sorry Suze." She said grabbing my hand. "I promise to never use that excuse again." She said and Jesse looked away.

"What if he finds out that I'm not with my husband?" I said and Ceecee shrugged.

"He knew you weren't going to be." She said and Jesse's head turned around so quickly that I thought it was going to spin completely around.

"What?" He snapped.

"He knew that I was lying." She said looking at him curiously.

"How do you know?" Jesse said and Ceecee shrugged.

"He gave me a smile and said, Oh she's visiting her husband is she?" Ceecee said mimicking Adam's voice perfectly. I smiled and took a sip from my cup.

"As long as I don't get into trouble." I said with a smile. "I don't need Marian breathing down my neck for the next 12 weeks." Ceecee smiled and shook her head.

"Marian. What a lady." She said.

"She still works there?" Jesse asked looking at us and we nodded. "Still a fat cow as she was before?"

"Yes sir." Ceecee said. "Remember that time we put frogs in her bed?" She said and they both laughed.

"She knew it was us."

"Of course she did. It had Jesse De Silva written all over it."

"Mind you it was your idea." Jesse said and she smiled at him. I was torn between being happy for my friend and being jealous. I also felt left out because I was no longer able to flirt with men like Ceecee could. I might as well have been 100 year old as apposed to 16, for there was too much risk in talking to a married woman.

"Excuse me miss?" A man appeared behind Ceecee and smiled down at her. It was the same man that she was talking to before. He was tall, strong, black hair and dark brown eyes. His skin was as pale as snow and his face was covered in freckles but he had a nice smile.

"Yes?" Ceecee said looking up at him. "Oh Hello again. Jesse, Susanna, this is Paul O'Donnell. Paul this is Jesse De Silva and Susanna Simon." She said and I smiled despite her using the wrong name. Jesse shook hands with the man and I smiled at him.

"I was wondering, Miss Thompson, if you will dance with me." He spoke so formally that I couldn't help but smile. Ceecee looked at us and then grinned.

"I would be delighted to." She said and linked her arm through his and they walked off to the little square of floor where people were dancing. Jesse smiled at me and we watched as Ceecee laughed and danced around with this bright young man.

"Want to dance?" He asked and I looked at him.

"I don't think that would be proper." I said giving him a small smile. He grabbed my hand and gave me a smile that made my stomach heat.

"Just one song." He said, his eyes practically begging me.

"Just one." I said and stood up. I noticed the big smile that he gave me once I had agreed to dancing with him, and I couldn't help the feeling like I was the only girl he wanted to be with.

We danced to one song, and then another and then another. Before I knew it my legs were tired from dancing and I was extremely hot. He grabbed my hand and led me outside into the cold winter air. We stood next to each other laughing and gulping the air in, listening to the silence of the dark street. The door opened and a drunken couple came stumbling out and stood next to us. The started kissing and Jesse grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the couple to the other side of the bar, where we had only the moon to see.

"You're a great dancer." He said resting his head against the stonewall.

"Thank you. You're not too bad yourself."

"Not too bad?" He said his voicing rising in pitch. I grinned at him. "I say you're a wonderful dancer and you give me not too bad?" I shrugged.

"You need a little bit of work, but I imagine with practice you'll get better." I said and he chuckled.

"All those dancing lessons never really paid off then."

"Dancing lessons?" I said looking at him with shocked amusement.

"My mother made me get dancing lessons. Said it was the only way to a woman's heart." I smiled at this. "But that's because she loved when my father danced."

"My mother said cooking is the way to a man's heart." I said.

"She's right." He said looking at me. "But it must not hurt to have eyes like yours."

"That didn't make sense." I said smiling at him.

"I mean that with eyes as bright and green as yours, you must have people falling for you all the time."

"Nope just you." I said and moved closer to him.

"Who said I was falling for you?" He asked a faint smile on his lips.

"You aren't falling for me." I said, looking away. "You've already fell. Hard." I said and looked up at him from beneath my eyelashes. He smirked at me and placed a hand on the wall, turning towards me.

"How would you know?" he asked, his breath tickling my cheek.

"Because, a woman always knows." I said placing my hands on the wall behind me and pressing my chest out at him. I don't know what came over me next but as I watched him studying my lips I grabbed the front of his tunic and pulled his lips to mine.

They were completely different from what I'd imagined them to be. When I felt his lips touch mine, I could think of nothing else. All the noise in the street faded and I could only think about how soft his lips were, how I could taste ale on his tongue and how it sent sparks through my body.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and felt his hands on my lower hips. His thumb gently stroked the material of the dress as I played with his hair. His lips traveled from my mouth to my neck and his hands traveled up my side and further down my back. I shivered, not from the cold but from his hands touching my breasts and his mouth kissing my collarbone. He stopped for a second and I heard him chuckle.

"What?" I panted and he smiled and looked down my top His hand scooped out my change purse and I smiled. "Ceecee told me to put it somewhere that no one would touch me with out my permission."

"Are you giving me permission?"

"You've already got the bag haven't you?" I said and he smiled at me again. His lips kissed mine only they were harder, faster than they were before. His hands cupped my breast tightly and I gasped. A face flashed in my mind but with the heat flowing through my body and the feeling of Jesse pressing next to me, it was gone before I could think about it. I felt him pull up my dress and he touched my leg gently. The face appeared in my mind again and this time I knew who it was.

"Stop!" I said, but all he did was drop my dress. His lips continued to distract me and his hands now resting gently on my hips, sent heat radiating though my body. "Jesse! Please stop!" I said and this time he listened to me. When his head rose he looked down at me confused.

"What's wrong?"

"I…I cant do this?" I said, a rock of guilt sat in my stomach.

"Why not?" He asked, his forehead creased.

"I'm married." I said, remembering Andrew's face. I remembered how angry he had been when he had seen Jesse and I outside at our wedding. I never wanted to see that much pain on another man's face ever again.

"I'm sorry Susanna." He said stepping away from me and running his hands through his hair. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. I…I led you on." I said fighting the tears that were in my eyes. All I wanted was to be with Jesse, all I wanted was to have him kiss me as he just was. But I couldn't live that way anymore. I couldn't hold on to something that wasn't mine. I looked at him, wanting him to try to kiss me again, but he didn't. I sighed and walked back, past the drunken couple and into the tavern. I found Ceecee sitting at a table, her head resting on her arm and her eyes drooping closed.

"Ceecee?" I said shaking her shoulder.

"Where have you been? And why are you so cold?" She asked shivering against my touch.

"It's time to go home now." I said and helped her off the bench. I looked towards the door and Jesse stood there watching me. His eyes were sad but he gave me a half smile before he walked past us, headed for the bar. I wrapped my arm tightly around Ceecee and the two of us started the long walk back to the castle.


	14. St Valentine's Day

**A/N**: I meant to have this published before Valentine's day, but since it is midterm time at the moment I seemed to have gotten behind in my writing. Sorry its late!

* * *

St. Valentine's day was fast approaching and with it came a warm excitement. This feeling, like Christmas, made some people so happy and others very sad. It was evident that most of those around me were happy to celebrate St. Valentine's Day for decorations were being hung in our dinning room.

Jane and Daisy approached Ceecee and I one day and asked us to cut red and pink hearts out of an old dress so we could hang them around the room. For Valentines night the King was hosting a Masquerade ball and we were told to remain in our dinning room unless one of the 50 bells hanging on the walls rang. Everyone was excited for our own little party, everyone but Marian. But that was to be expected.

Since the night out with Ceecee, I had not seen Jesse and I wanted it to remain that way. When we got back to the castle I put Ceecee to bed and sat down with a quill and parchment and wrote a long letter to Andrew. I did not tell him of my infidelity but I told him about everything else and that I missed him deeply.

The guilt bothered me for weeks and weeks and I could not find a cure for it. I woke up this night with another nightmare. I had the same dream every night where Andrew found out that I wasn't pregnant and accused me of having sex with Jesse. It always ended with a noose around my neck and my family staring up at me with expressions of pure disappointment. I sat up wrapped tightly in my blankets and sighed as I heard Ceecee's soft snoring.

I wrapped white blanket around my shoulder and left the room. As I walked into the hallway I shivered. It was dark and cold; the only source of light came from the moon shining in through the windows. I shivered at the eerie silence and started walking down the hallway. I didn't know where I was headed but I just kept walking. I soon became aware of the feeling like someone was walking behind me, matching my every step. Paranoia kept causing me to look over my shoulder but resulted in seeing the same empty, dark hallway. I pulled the blanket tighter and picked up my pace.

Then I heard the sound of footsteps behind me. I felt my heart quicken and I started running down the hall. My heart pounded as I ran threw the corridors and up and down stairs. As I raced down a flight of winding steps I knew that I had to get away, to hide somewhere.

When I reached the bottom of the steps I pushed open the first door that I saw and quickly shut it behind me. I pushed all my weight against the door and panted as I listened for footsteps on the other side. Tears formed in my eyes as I started to relax.

"Susanna?" a tired voice startled me, causing me to jump. When I turned around I sighed.

"Oh it's you Father Dominic." I smiled and pulled the blanket tighter. My hair was wild and I blushed at my inappropriate appearance.

"Are you alright?" he asked, looking up from me as he knelt on the stone floor in front of the dimly lit altar. The prayer candles were lit and illuminated the gentle face of the Virgin Mary.

"I-I-" I looked behind me and sighed. "I couldn't sleep."

"Neither could I. I had the feeling that I needed to be here." He looked up at Jesus hanging over the altar and blessed himself. "Now I see why." He turned and smiled at me. "How can I help?" he asked.

" I- uh…I didn't come here on purpose father, sorry. I was just…walking." He nodded his head and frowned.

"Is there nothing you would like to talk about?" His hair was wild, as if he had rolled out of bed and came straight here. His warm smile made tears spring into my eyes.

"I-I have been having the same nightmare for weeks now." A tear betrayed me and rolled down my cheek,

"I see." He was quiet and politely looked away when so I could wipe my tear. "What was it about?"

"My husband." I sighed. "It's always about him. He says the same thing over and over."

"What does he say?"

"That he is ashamed of me. And then I am hanging with a noose around my neck while my family stares up at me with disapproval." Tears were streaming down my face now.

"What were you being hung for?" His voice was soft and gentle, yet his gaze forced me to continue speaking.

"Adultery father." I looked away embarrassed, my face heating up.

"I see. Did-How did these nightmares all start? What changed to make you dream this way?" As he spoke he watched me, studying my reaction. I looked at the ground and remembered that Momma said lying to a priest was the worst sin anyone could commit. I took a deep breath and clasped my shaky hands together.

"I kissed another man." My voice was no louder than a whisper. He was silent for a moment and I held my breath waiting for him to lecture me or condemn me to hell. Instead he grabbed my shaky hands and smiled.

"Let's have a seat Susanna." He said and lead the way to the front row pew directly in from of Mary. I looked at her ashamed of myself and she looked down on me with kind eyes. I took a deep breath and turned to Fr. Dominic.

"Do you love this man?" he asked calmly. I froze and stared at my hands. "Don't be afraid Susanna. You are in the presence of God. He knows how you are truly feeling."

"I don't think so." I whispered.

"But with some time you could fall in love with him?" He asked. I nodded because words had escaped me. He took a deep breath and looked up at Mary. "Do you love your husband?" I tensed at this and quickly looked at him. I was ready to say yes, to continue with the lie, but I couldn't lie to this man.

"I-I love him as my husband. He is a good man and cares for me deeply." Tears sprang into my eyes.

"I understand." He said and was silent for a moment. He seemed to be studying the statue of Mary. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat. "I was in love once."

"With a woman?" I asked and he gave a look like "is that a joke?" I smiled and blushed. "Sorry of course with a woman. Was it…recently?"

"Yes." His voice was quiet and serious. "I think perhaps I am still in love with her." I nodded as he spoke and my heart hurt for this man.

"What happened?" I asked. His tired blue eyes gave off a whole new meaning to me now. I no longer thought it was from the long nights of prayer. I knew that it was the long nights of praying to not be in love with this woman.

"She was a child hood friend. When I was growing up, before my mother died our parents used to talk about how we would one day marry and join the two houses together." He smiled. "We used to pretend that this sickened us. That we were too good of friends to be married to each other." I smiled and he shook his head. "After my mother died, my father sent my brother and I to the monastery and I didn't see her again until I was 22." His brows furrowed for a moment and then he smiled. "She was married by then. With two beautiful children and I was an ordained priest. But when I saw her, a whole unfamiliar feeling took over me." He smiled at me.

"I had never been attracted to women. Don't get me wrong, the pretty ones caught my eye, but I had never longed for them." He looked at me directly in my eyes and I nodded, knowing what he meant.

"So what happened?" He was silent and studied his hands. I itched to know the rest of the story but didn't want to rush him.

"Nothing. Eventually we parted ways."

"I thought you said recently?" I asked, slightly pushing my luck. He smiled at me and laughed.

"A bright one." He said and winked. "The point I'm making Susanna is that we have a duty. Whether it is to a husband or to God, we promised to be faithful and trustworthy. We need to remember that these are temptations and these temptations are trying to pull us away from God and from our promises. Do you understand?" He asked and I nodded. A tear rolled down my cheek and he patted my hand. "You can do this. If an old man like me can than you can." He smiled and I laughed in between sniffles.

"Thank you." I said.

"Thank you." He said and I smiled knowing that he was going to keep my secret just like I was going to keep his. As I walked through the same dark hallway I wasn't afraid and barely noticed the cold breeze. As I climbed back into bed I felt relaxed and relieved. As my head hit the pillow I was asleep, in the best sleep that I had had in a very long time.

As I mentioned before the kind was throwing a masquerade ball for St. Valentine's Day. February 14th drew near the king seemed to become more restless and agitated. He would snap at the servant who dint cut the paper hearts into perfect flowers. He would snap at the servant whose roses were not pink enough. He paced his room late at night and made Ceecee run all over the palace getting things for him that he didn't need.

As the guests started arriving at the castle I noticed that the King disappeared. He stayed in his room and didn't leave. He rang the bell for Ceecee almost every time she sat down and by the end of the night she was exhausted. We spent half an hour setting up the tables, laughing and joking with the other servants about the pompous guests that would be arriving.

"Not too loud, they might hear you." Daisy said as she swept the oak floors.

"Let them hear, they deserve to have their egos deflated." Jane snapped. "Don't you agree Alexander?" She said as she floated around the young boy who served me wine when I came for the coronation. He smirked at me and I rolled my eyes.

"I suppose so." He spoke with a deep manly voice, although his face was still the face of a child.

"I just love seeing the women." Daisy said as she held the broom to her chest. We stopped and stared at her and she blushed. "No not that sillies. I mean their dresses. What I would give for a dress that beautiful." She said with a sad smile. "To dance at a party like this one." She said and started twirling with the broomstick. We chuckled as she pretended that she was dancing with the Prince of France and clapped our hands as she pretended to be dancing with spectacular moves.

"What is this?" Marian screeched as she appeared in the doorway. "Dinner is to be served in exactly two hours and this place is hardly ready." She scowled. "Get back to work or I'll tell the king." Her eyes lingered on mine and I looked away with an agitated sigh.

I bent down and started rearranging the bouquet of red roses that sat in pink vases. "How do you suppose he gets flowers like this in the winter time?"

"From Spain." Jane said across the hall at the other side of the table. "They get shipped to him days before the party and he keeps them in nice warm rooms."

"How do you know this?" Alexander asked.

"He has Daisy and I watering them every hour. By the time we're done watering them we have to water them all over again." She said and we all chuckled.

"The measures that some go to achieve perfection." I said and smelled a pink rose before moving on to lay out the dishes. They were the same gold dishes that I had used when I was here last. I laid out the plates and Alexander followed closely by with the soup bowls. Jane laid out the cutler and Daisy put out the goblets. After all the tables were set, Jane plumped the king's pillows and Alexander lit the fire. I dusted the windowpanes and Daisy mopped the floor. We stood at the doors and marveled at our masterpiece.

"Well done group." Alexander said placing a hand on Jane's shoulder and one on Daisy's. Both girls blushed at his touch and exchanged looks of pure joy. I smiled at him and he gave me a wink knowing the effect he had on these women.

"Now that we're done we can go and have our own party." Jane said.

"Are you coming Alex?" She asked grabbing onto Jane's hand and looking up at Alexander longingly. I looked away, trying to hide my laughter.

"I might stop by." He said. Being a stable boy meant that he slept in different quarters than us. He helped us with the table because we needed all the hands that we could get. His green eyes had gotten more mischievous in the months that I had not seen him and he walked with a certain confidence now.

"I hope you do." Daisy said and giggled as she and Jane practically skipped down the hallway. I looked at Alexander and he smirked at me.

"Oh how I worship the ground you walk on Alexander. You are so magnificent. I wonder why I was so blessed as to look upon thy face!" I mimicked and he chuckled closing the doors.

"Jealousy is not a suiting colour for you Susanna." He said and I snorted.

"Jealous? Of who? Them or you?"

"Them of course." He leaned close to me. "You wish I would pay that much attention to you." I laughed at this and his eyes brightened.

"I've got enough people paying attention to me to last me a life time."

"Who your lonely old husband?" At this different voice I spun around and blanked. Alexander nudged me in the side and we both bowed

"Your highness." Alexander said.

"We were not aware that you were present." I said standing up and looking at him. Beside him stood Paul, who stared at me with squinted eyes. And on his other side stood Jesse who tried to keep the smile from my lips.

"Paul? Have you met Miss Simon yet?" Adam said stepping forward and grabbing my hand gently. "She is the one who saved my life at my coronation last fall." He said pulling my forward and smiling at me. I found myself lost in his brown eyes for a moment. They held a secret that I could tell wanted to get out. I looked towards Paul as I was be presented and he looked at Adam as if I were a scabby rat from the sewer.

"Pleasure." He said turning his nose up at me.

"Ignore my rude cousin Susanna. He thinks he's better than the king himself." Adam said, linking my arm through his and leading me away from his cousin. I looked at Alexander with wide eyes and he stared back at me with the same expression.

"So tell me Susanna. How are the preparations coming for my party?"

"The hall is finished Sire. But does Marian not report this to you?" I asked looking at him.

"Marian? The fat grumpy cow of a woman? I suppose she does."

"No normally he leaves her to report to me." Jesse said from behind and I didn't dare look at him. As I was in his presence I was trying to remember Fr. Dominic and his temptations. Adam chuckled and stopped at the entrance to the Round Tower.

"I must depart. But I hope to see you at the party tonight." He said kissing my hand. I blanked at him.

"She is a servant girl Adam. She is not welcome at the party." Paul said and Adam blinked at me. He smiled and shook his head.

"Miss Simon is welcome at any of my parties as long as she wishes to be there." He said and I felt my cheeks heat up. He winked at me, nodded to Alexander and walked through the doors. Paul glared at me as he marched by and Jesse flashed me a quick smile before he walked through the doors. I watched as the doors closed and then let out the breath I had been holding on to.

"What was that?" Alexander asked startling me from my thoughts.

"What was what?" I asked brushing off my dirty dress and walking down the hallway.

"Miss. Simon is welcome at any of my parties." He mimicked.

"Who's jealous now?" I asked smiling at him. He shook his head and we walked in silence for a moment. When we came to the hallways that separated our dormitories he grabbed my hand.

"Susanna…"I looked at it and then at him with confusion.

"What is it?"

"You are…I consider you one of my greatest friends." He said smiling and I nodded. "I just want to warn you…"

"Warn me? Against what?" I said with a chuckle. But his eyes did not sparkle like they did when he laughed.

"Adam."

"The King?" I stared at him with shock. He jumped, looked around and grabbed my arm, leading me closer to the wall.

"I'm serious Susanna. Be very careful around him."

"Why? What do you think he's going to do?" I asked smiling at him.

"I don't know. But he is getting used to the idea of getting whatever he wants and no one saying no to him." Alexander spoke with a scowl.

"Now I shall tell you to be careful. Be careful how you speak Alexander. Some might think it is treacherous." I smiled at my friend and he sighed.

"Do you not see it Susanna?"

"See what?"

"How the king fancies you?" I blushed and laughed.

"Now Alexander…that's ridiculous."

"He looks at you like a lion looks at a gazelle." I laughed.

"Have you seen a lion look at a gazelle?"

"Alright he looks at you the way Big Tom looks a steak and kidney pie." He said with a grin and I chuckled.

"That's not very nice." I said still laughing.

"Just, be careful around him." He said, smiling yet serious.

"Alright dear brother. I shall do as you command." I mimicked and he kissed my forehead.

"Like a good sister should!" he winked and backed down the hallway. "See you at the party Madame." He said bowing and I rolled my eyes and went into my dormitory.

"Come on Susanna. Dance with me." Ceecee said grabbing my hands. Her eyes were glossy from the many glasses of wine she had drunk. I smiled and let her pull my up off of my chair. My head was light and my eyes were heavy but I still managed to dance around the room with her. When the song ended I collapsed into a chair beside Big Tom and Ceecee landed in his lap.

"Woah there Cecily." He said nervously.

"Nice catch Tom." She said. "Mind if I just sit here for a second. My head is spinning." She said and rested her head against his shoulder. In his arms she was tiny as a child in her fathers arms. He looked down at her with a small smile and I looked away. It must have been all the ale and wine in everyone's stomach, for everyone seemed to have paired up. To their disproval, Alexander had picked neither Jane or Daisy but another young stable boy named Ashley. They sat in the corner locking lips with each other despite everyone's gazes of disapproval. I smirked at Daisy's trembling lip and Jane's scowling face and shook my head.

The only person not having fun was Marian, who sat in a corner writing on many pieces of parchment. I looked around at all the drunken fools spilling their drinks, flirting with one another and sighed. I got up and stumbled over to where Marian sat.

"Enjoying the party Marian?" I asked sitting across from her and pretending not to notice the scowl on her face.

"I hate parties." She said and turned back to her letters that she was now trying to hide.

"Who are you writing too? Your husband?" At this I let out a laugh and was shocked at myself for doing so. I covered my mouth and looked at her hard face.

"Why is that funny?" She asked and I blinked.

"It's not. Well its funny that you are writing to your husband when I am out here getting drunk and ignoring mine." I said lying. I had already written to Andrew this morning and wished him a happy St. Valentine's Day.

"Yes well, it just proves who is more mature than the other." She said and I nodded. It was like watching in slow motion. Daisy stumbled over to tell me something and the drink in her hand slipped and landed on Marian's white skirt, that she had put on for the party.

"You idiot girl! Look at my skirt!" She shrieked and everyone stopped and stared at her. She looked around the room and barked, "What!" Everyone jumped and returned to what they were doing. She scowled at Daisy and marched past her, leaving her letter on the table.

"Marian wait!" I called after her collecting her papers and ink, but she stormed into her room and slammed the door. I looked at the smudged ink in my hands and sighed. My eyes roamed over the words _miss you _and_ only friend _and I was compelled to read the rest. She talked about the silly girls and the how she felt like she had lost a little bit of weight, but I had never noticed. She mentioned the rash on her inner thigh had gotten worse and it was now starting to bleed. I cringed as she described other things that were happening to her. I would never write this to Andrew, it was way to personal.

As I found the first page I realized that this was not a note to a husband but a note to her mother. I quickly dropped the pages and looked up. She stood at the other side of the table horrified. I jumped from my seat and held them up to her.

"I wasn't…I was going to b-bring them to you." I said nervously. There were tears in her eyes and her face was as pale as a ghost. She stared at me as if I had stabbed her with a knife. She gently took the letters from me, without even breaking eye contact. Without another word she left the party back to her room again where I knew I would not see her for a long time. I sighed and turned back to the party. Alexander and Ashley walked past me, and he gave me a wink before he kissed my cheek. I smirked and shook my head as he left.

My gaze flicked to Ceecee and I stared at her. She was touching Big Tom's cheek fondly. I sighed and shook my head. Because of the wine in her stomach Big Tom was now going to get the wrong impression from her and would end up loving her even more, especially if things escalated. I looked away as she leaned towards him and kissed him.

"It's not fair!" Daisy pouted beside me.

"What's not fair?" I asked.

"That everyone has someone to love but us." Jane said from my right side. I smiled at them and shook my heads.

"Why don't you just have fun, dance and sing? Love will happen when you're ready." I said.

"You sound like an old lady." Daisy chuckled.

"You're only a year older than us Susanna." Jane pointed out and I shrugged.

"I feel like an old lady."

"Because your married?" Daisy asked and I nodded. They were both quiet for a second.

"Do you like being married Susanna?" Jane asked.

"Of course."

"What's the best part?" Daisy asked.

"Um…"

"It's the sex isn't it? I've heard that its amazing!" Jane said her eyes glazing over and she got lost in thoughts of sex.

"It is a good part of being married, but I think the best thing is knowing that someone is waiting for you." I said with a sigh.

"Well now I fell even worse." Daisy said with a bigger pout and I chuckled.

"Even Big Tom has someone. Although it would be very difficult to love him." Jane teased and I rolled my eyes. I watched as Big Tom's huge hand held Ceecee's legs close to him.

"Gross." Daisy said and we all looked away.

"What's the secret to catching a man?" Jane said looking at me. I looked down at the two girls and smirked.

"I don't know? Being yourself I guess."

"That's boring." Daisy said.

"The worst advice Susanna." Jane said and the two of them got up, linked arms and went to talk to some of the boys playing instruments. I smiled as I took a sip of my wine.

My eyes roamed the room again and stopped at the sight of a scabby looking young boy frantically searching the room. I stood up and went to him.

"What is it darling?" I asked him. He looked as if he were 11 or 12 years of age.

"I'm looking for Mrs. Susanna Fitzpatrick." He squeaked.

"That's me." I said with a smile.

"A note for you. It's urgent." He said and thrust the small piece of parchment into my hands. I looked at it and then at the paper and turned it over. I broke the wax seal and lifted the paper open.

_Susanna,_

_ There was an accident at the Hunting Horse and Andrew has been stabbed. It doesn't look good Susanna. It seems that he will not make it. Please get here as soon as you can for I fear that he wi—_

The rest of the letter I could not make out for teardrops had made the ink run and the words illegible. I looked at the boy who stared at me with a worried expression. I looked around the room, unsure as to what I was supposed to do.

"I-Uh-" I placed a hand on my head. "Can you get me a horse?"

"You can use mine." He said and the two of us left the party and raced through the halls of the castle. We pushed past a couple in bright red outfits with feather masks on their faces. We pushed through the doors and raced out into the softly falling snow. A black horse stood off to the side and the boy handed me his riding cloak.

"It's pretty dirty and small, but it will keep you warm." He said with a small smile. I blinked back my tears and kissed his cheek.

"You go back to that room and grab yourself a warm bowl of stew and a cup of ale. If anyone questions you tell them that Susanna Simon said it was ok. Stay there until you can manage to get back home." I said and he grinned at me.

"Thank you Miss."

"Thank you." I said. I pulled the traveling cloak over my head and mounted the horse. I gently kicked its sides and the horse's body tensed and started picking up speed.

My hands were numb after ten minutes but I ignored it and edged the horse to go faster and faster. The wind and snow whipped my hair in all directions that I was sure that I looked like a mad woman. It would take me forever to get home from here if I took the main roads. So I decided to cut inland, which only caused the horse to become more exhausted from racing through the thick snow.

As frost started growing on my eyelashes that small cottage came into view. Dr. Smith's black carriage was sitting out front and as I rode up to the house Jacob came running out to greet me. I tossed him the reigns and jumped off the horse.

"How bad is he?" I asked and Jacob couldn't answer. I raced past him and into the house. Everyone was huddled by the fire. Mother Fitzpatrick knelt by Andrews's head while Dr. Smith hovered over his stomach. "Andrew?" I asked gabbing onto his hand and kissing his head. They all looked at me with sad expressions. "Is he going to be ok?" I asked, studying my husbands pale face and damp blonde hair. Dr Smith looked at Mother Fitzpatrick and they never spoke a word.

"Susanna?" His voice was soft and ragged. He wheezed when he spoke and my heart broke when I heard it.

"Andrew. Oh your ok!" I said and kissed his head again. Tears sprang into my eyes. He smiled again and gulped in air.

"I'm glad I got to see you again before…before"

"You're not going to die Andrew. Dr. Smith just told me so." I ignored 's looks of protest.

"Take care of our baby!" He said, giving my hand a tight squeeze.

"Andrew I-" I blinked at him.

"I love you too." He said. His eyes flickered and a sigh left his lips. His eyes stared at me, piercing my soul and his hand went limp.

"I…Andrew…Andrew!" I shook his hand and Mother Fitzpatrick let out a wail. Debbie appeared out of nowhere and wrapped her arms around Mother Fitzpatrick and led her away.

"I'm sorry Susanna." Dr Smith said, his face wet with tears.

"How…Why…How did this?" I asked and noticed my father and brothers faces all looking back at me with sadness.

"There was a fight Susanna." Papa said.

"A man made a comment about you and Andrew got angry and…well…" Jacob went quiet and stared at Andrew's dead body.

"He…this isn't possible…"I said and stared down at the man who less than two months ago had proposed to me, promised to remain mine for the rest of his life, who introduced me to a whole new set of feelings. This man who had taught me that I had to be responsible and take action for my mistakes. He lay dead in front of me. With this realization my body started to shake and all the emotions took over me. The room went black and my head hit the hard muscle of his chest.


	15. The First Gift

I sat by the window and stared at the melting snow that was falling off of the trees. The sun had come out a lot more and the birds were singing louder than they had over the past winter months. I wrapped the blanket around my shoulders and pulled my knees up to my chest, as I had done when I was a young girl.

I was alone now. Margret had left shortly after I had pretended to be asleep. I rubbed my hands along my arms and studied the grounds below. I watched as dogs raced back and fourth, anxious for the days hunt to start. I saw three soldiers mount their horses and then there was a flurry of red. I sighed as the familiar feelings of anger and hatred filled my body. As I watched him mount his horse gracefully he turned and looked up at my window, as if he knew that I was watching him. He stared at me for a second and then the group rode out towards the hunting cottage, where they would stay the night and bring back plenty of meat tomorrow. A tear rolled down my cheek as I watched the youngest of the group ride proudly beside his father.

I wiped the tear off of my cheek and took a deep breath before I got out of the chair. I threw the blanket on the bed and went to my dressing room. I looked at the dress that was laid out for me and blinked. It was the first present I had received from him and the first sign that what I had been denying was true. It was his first attempt to rid everything that was imperfect from my life.

I clenched my teeth as I pulled the hot pot of stew off of the fire. I put it on the cooling grate and returned to the table to finishing setting the places for dinner. I heard a slow shuffling from behind me and I took a deep breath. I stood straight and braced myself for those sad eyes.

"Did you have a nice nap Mother Fitzpatrick?" I asked, trying not to notice how her eyes were puffy and glossy from recent tears.

"Fine dear." She repeated the same thing to me every time I asked, as if she never truly heard what I had asked her.

"I hope your hungry. I made a lot of stew today." I said, smiling slightly as she gently sat down in a chair. Her long grey hair swayed loosely behind her and she nodded at me. I tried not to notice how much weight she had lost in the past month and how her lack of appetite was not getting any better. I filled her bowl to the rim and smiled as I put it in front of her.

"Thank you." She peeped and picked up her spoon. In the month since Andrew had died things had changed a lot. People no longer smiled at me, they frowned. And my clothes had changed from brown to black. Debbie asked me how I was doing every time I saw her and Mother Fitzpatrick cried at the sight of the children, so they never came over anymore.

As I was sitting, picking at my soup I thought of Andrew's funeral and how it was the coldest day of the year when he was buried. I held Mother Fitzpatrick in my arms and we cried together as we watched his cold body being put in the earth, wrapped in a crisp white blanket. For weeks now Mother Fitzpatrick would awaken from her sleep shouting, "He's not warm enough. He'll never be warm again!"

"Susanna." Her tired voice startled me.

"Yes mother?" I asked looking at her with a small smile.

"You weren't pregnant were you?" She asked. I choked on a chunk of potatoe and coughed.

"I…Pardon?"

"The baby? There was no baby was there?" She asked, no sign of tears in her eyes. I studied her face and then sighed.

"I…No, there was no baby." I said, the guilt made me push my plate away. She reached across the table and patted my hand.

"It was good of you to tell him that." She said giving me a smile. "He needed something to keep him sane for while you were gone." A tear rolled down my cheek and I drew in a shaky breath.

"I wish I was." I said, with a sob. She shook her head and frowned.

"It would only be worse if you were looking into his eyes and knew that you would never be able to talk to him or kiss him again." She sighed and pushed her bowl away. "I'm sorry dear. I don't seem to be hungry today."

As she crossed her arms the door burst open and David stumbled in along with his friend John. Losing Andrew proved not only to be lonely but also hard. Working on the farm and managing the house was tough for just one person, so I hired David and his friend John Jacob to manage my livestock and would be paid 3 shillings each every week. This not only helped me but also gave me a chance to bond with my little brother.

"Shut the door!" Mother snapped and David jumped.

"Sorry." He mumbled and looked at me with concern. He still wasn't used to her snappy ways.

"Yes, you always say that yet the door never seems to be shut." She sighed. "I'm going to lie down, I've got a splitting headache."

"Ok mother." I said and watched her shuffle her feet down to her bedroom. "Here boys, eat this." I said offering up our two bowls.

"Thanks." John said.

"We're starving." David said before shoveling a spoonful of hot stew into his mouth. He winced and I shook my head. I poured them a cup of milk and sat across from them watching them eat.

"How are the animals?" I asked looking from one 12 year old face to the other.

"They're ok." David shrugged.

"You've got a pregnant cow though." John said smiling at me. I frowned.

"I didn't think we had any bulls." I said.

"You don't."

"Then how is that possible?" I asked looking at them. They smiled at each other and shrugged.

"Maybe one _snuck through the gate_." John said smiling at David who bit back a giggle.

"That's is not appropriate, and very disturbing." I said smiling at them. I sighed and leaned back. "When will it come?"

"Another month or two." David said and I nodded.

"Will you stay here?" They looked at me as if I had two heads. "I don't know how to birth a cow."

"I suppose I can. Papa won't mind, especially since they're teaching Samuel how to do some chores now."

"Samuel, but he's just a baby."

"He'll be four soon." David said. "We all start doing chores at that age." I sighed and thought about how fast time was going and how much I was missing.

"Are you ok Mrs. Fitzpatrick?" John's voice startled me. I smiled as best as I could and nodded.

"You boys finish that and I'll be home for supper." I said getting up and pulling on my riding coat. I lifted the brown fur hood and smiled at their shocked faces.

"Where are you going?" David asked.

"For a walk." I said with a smile and left the house.

After about an hour of walking my feet started to freeze. Even though the sun was bright and warm, the snow was still cold and my winter boots were old and worn. When I decided to turn around and go home, I took the path that cut through a large meadow where in the summer time it would be full of busy wildlife. Now it was just hills of glittering snow.

I started humming a tune to myself as I crossed the field and kicked the snow. I undid my black bonnet and my long brown hair flapped in the wind. I sighed and closed my eyes, letting all of my sadness go.

When I opened my eyes again I froze. There just a couple feet away from me was a doe and her baby. They were pawing at the ground and eating a couple pieces of grass that had poked up through the melting snow. I crouched down and watched them eat. The mother every now and again would look up, perk her ears and study her surroundings. There was a crack in the tree line and both of the deer froze. A spilt second later they were gone bounding through the field into the safety of the trees.

"You idiot!" A loud voice shouted from the tree line. "You had to step on that branch."

"It's not my fault! It's not like I did it on purpose!" They appeared out of the trees and looked longingly at the spot where the deer had disappeared. I pretended I didn't see them and turned and walked back the way I had come as fast as I could.

"Jess, look." I heard him say and my heart stopped. I had a feeling it had been them, but I thought it would be too much of a coincidence if it were. It seemed that I was always running into them somewhere. I sighed and slowed my pace as Adam called out to me.

"Excuse me miss." He said. I took a deep breath and turned to them. A gust of wind blew my hair out of my face and they both stopped and stared at me. They wore fur hats and brown fur coats, each with a rifle by their sides.

"Susanna." Jesse said and stepped closer to me. I smiled and curtsied the way a good lady should and they nodded at me.

"How are you doing?" Adam asked as he walked towards me.

"I'm fine thank you."

"We heard about… your husband." Adam said, a look of deep sympathy crossed his face. "We're so sorry. If there is anything we can do…" he looked at Jesse and Jesse nodded in agreement.

"There is nothing I need. Thank you." I said and looked towards the tree line and longed to be the deer that were as far from this field as possible. "I see you two are on good terms again." I said and they looked at each other.

"A simple misunderstanding." Adam said and Jesse looked at his hands. "But we've put our differences aside and are moving forward. Right friend?" Adam clapped Jesse on the shoulder and he smiled. His blue eyes made a shiver run down my spine and I clenched my hands to stop it from coursing through my entire body.

"Well I better get home. It's extremely cold out here." I said with a smile and curtsied again before walking past them.

"Let us accompany you." Adam said appearing at my side.

"I don't think that is proper." I said with a small smile. "The whole town would talk about the widow who came home with two men."

"No one would talk about me in such a way." Adam said sticking his proud chest out. I smiled and looked at Jesse who too was smiling.

"Of course not, but they would talk about Susanna that way." Jesse said coming to my defense.

"It's not safe for you to be wandering around the forest by yourself." Adam said and for the first time I had realized how many horrible things could happen to me. "At least let us walk you through the forest." I looked from one concerned face to a longing one and sighed.

"Just to the edge of the trees." I said and they smiled.

"Oh Susanna. I have missed you." Adam said tossing an arm around my shoulder. I shook my head and kept walking.

"It's only been a month." I said with a smile and then it faded as I remembered the reason.

"And all this black! How long are you supposed to wear it for?" Adam asked picking at my black dress beneath my winter traveling coat.

"For the rest of my life." I said and Adam frowned. "My husband died." I said, reminding him.

"Yes and its extremely unfortunate. But you must want to wear something other than _black_."

"My other dress is brown, so my wardrobe is not very diverse in colour." Adam shook his head with a disturbed expression.

"What do you think Jess?" He said looking over his shoulder at his friend.

"I think it's better for Susanna to wear black at the moment. It will cause people to talk."

"Oh, let people talk. The more they talk about you the more you are noticed." He said looking proud as if that were the cleverest thing he could have ever said. I looked at Jesse and we shared a smile.

"Your logic gives me chills." Jesse said, avoiding a large branch. I snorted and Adam stared back at us.

"You're laughing at my expense." He said frowning.

"No your majesty. We would never." I said, looking up at him as I passed by him. I smiled and kept walking, noticing the road was closer than I had thought.

"We went to visit your father yesterday." Adam said and I stopped.

"My…father?" I looked at Adam's smile to Jesse's. "Why?"

"Because he has always been such a good friend to us." Adam said and Jesse smirked at the ground.

"What was your purpose?" I said stepping closer to Adam and making him uncomfortable.

"I don't know what you mean?" He said looking down at me, his eyes studying my lips.

"Don't be a fool Adam. Why did you visit my father?" I snapped and he blanked at me.

"We wanted to visit you." Jesse said, defending him.

"But we had forgotten that you inherited all of your husbands possessions." Adam said. I studied his face and he raised his eyebrows at me.

"You must have made everyone go into quite the panic." I said walking away from them.

"They seemed calm enough. That little girl has taken a liking to Jesse though." Adam said and I looked over my shoulder at them. He smiled slightly and shrugged.

"She's very bright." I said offering up two entirely different meanings in one sentence. Jesse smirked at me and Adam nodded.

"I did notice that she is very intelligent." Adam said, studying me as I wrapped my hair into a bun and put my cap on again. I tied the strings around my face and put up my hood.

"Well we must part ways." I said with a false sad voice. "I long to see you again." I said smiling at them and they grinned back. I could hear them mumbling to each other as I walked through the trees and onto the road.

As I walked along I thought of how Jesse's eyes had glazed over every time my hair caught the wind, or the way he had smiled at me every other second. I was completely lost in my thoughts when a buggy went rushing by. I quickly jumped out of the way and the man on the buggy gave a loud laugh as I crashed into the trees.

Covered in snow I sat up and started at the racing buggy. My heart was pounding so hard that I could hear nothing but the sound of my blood coursing through my ears. I took a deep breath and stood up, brushed the snow off of my dress and started on my journey again. I got two steps before I became aware of a strange sound.

I stopped walking and strained to hear what it was. It was a cry, as if there were a dying cat or an injured fox. The squeal was high pitched and there were short gaps between each, which let me know the animal was small. I moved towards the trees on my left, following the sounds as I moved through the trees.

I saw it move before I realized what it was. I froze and watched the small creature struggle to stand and then fall back into the deep snow. From where I stood it looked like a cat, with no hair. I watched it for a second and then stepped closer, snapping a twig in half. The creature started to panic and fought harder to get out of the thick snow and towards safety. After a minute it was so exhausted that it flopped down into the snow and lay there, waiting for its fate. I slowly walked towards it and looked down at it. It was then that I noticed it was a puppy.

The breed I was unsure of but it's age I knew. It was maybe two months old, strong enough to survive without its mother, but not old enough to live in this weather. I felt my heart break as I looked up at me with bright blue eyes. I reached out my hand to it and gently touched is soft cream coloured hair. The dog's face was ringed with black hair, covering its eyes and muzzle. It stared up at me with pleading eyes and the next thing I knew the tiny puppy was in my arms, wrapped in my winter coat and I was walking down the road talking to it. It cried in my arms until I gently stroked its nose and soothed it. The puppy fell asleep almost instantly and I felt myself fall in love with this creature.

"What is that?" Mother Fitzpatrick said when I walked in the door. She sat in her chair staring at me with unease.

"It's a puppy." I said with a smile.

"You bought a puppy? How? With what money did you use to purchase that creature?" She eyed it as I placed the tired puppy on the floor. "You didn't even pick an attractive one."

"I didn't buy it, I found it. And with all the wasted food in this house I figured we would be the ideal family to care for him." Mother Fitzpatrick nodded and studied the creature. He stared back up at Mother with a tired expression. His eyes flicked to mine as if he were asking me what we were staring at. Then his long tongue curled with a yawn and he turned in three circles before lying down in front of the fire.

"He's adorable, don't you agree mother?" I asked hanging my coat on a wooden peg.

"I suppose we can let him stay for a while."

"He'll be useful to the boys when he gets bigger." I said and she nodded. The door burst open and David stumbled in.

"Your back." He said rubbing his red hands together. "I was worried about you and I-" Luckily he stopped walking before he stepped on the puppy. He stared down at it and studied it.

"Where did he come from?" David asked bending down to pet his head.

"Susanna was playing animal rescuer on her walk." Mother sighed.

"He was stranded in the middle of the forest, struggling through snow that was up to his stomach. Any human being would've done the same." I said adding an extra log to the fire.

"Aggie and Sam will love him!" David said smiling at me. "What are you going to call him?"

"He's a dog. You call him dog." Mother said with frustration. David raised his eyebrows at me and I sighed.

"You have to give him a name." David said and I shrugged. "Lets call him Lancelot."

"What a ridiculous name." Mother said and David flushed.

"Why did you choose that name David?" I asked warming up the cold stew.

"Because Lancelot was King Arthur's most trusted knight." David explained.

"Yes but he also betrayed King Arthur by sleeping with the man's wife." Mother surprised us all and we sat gaping at her. "They used to be my favourite stories as a girl." She said with slight embarrassment. David and I smiled at each other. "If you want to give him the name of a good knight you should call him Sir Lucan, the most trusted knight. Or Sir Pelleas, the knight with low birth rank yet was the bravest. Then there is Sir Bedivere, the giant knight." She sighed as she was lost in her thoughts and I stared at her in awe.

"Bedivere…"David's pale brows joined together as he thought. "Was he not the one who returned Excalibur to the Lady of the Lake?"

"Yes." He eyes widened. "He was the most handsome man in all the world, apart from Arthur of course." She giggled. "And he was the wielder of a magic lance." We looked at the puppy and studied him. He had rolled onto his back and was letting us rub his thin belly.

"What about Pelleas?" I asked.

"Ah well, Sir Pelleas was apparently a knight of extraordinary skill and bravery, but of lowly birth. His life consisted of winning the affections of the arrogant Lady Ettard of Arroy. He defeated sixty knights in a great tournament so that he could present her the jousting crown, but she ridiculed him and forbad him from pursuing her. Naturally he ignored her protests and followed her to Arroy. Every day, the lady would send out ten knights to expel him from her lands and he would fight them off. He always allowed himself to be captured so that he might catch a glimpse of the woman he loved so much."

"Did they ever end up together?" I asked, kneeling closer to her.

"Eventually, but there was much heart ache in store for Sir Pelleas before that was to happen. It is said that the Lady of the Lake bewitched Lady Ettard to pine away for her husband, while he fell in love with the Lake Goddess." She tutted, shaking her head. "In the end he marries the Lady of the Lake and became a knight of the round table."

"What was the other knight you named? Sir Lucan?" David asked and she smiled.

"He was Bedivere's brother and one of King Arthur's earliest allies. He was the Royal Butler, but in those ages the meaning was different."

"How so?" I asked.

"He was in charge of the Royal Household as apposed to actually serving to the King as they do in this age."

"What else did he do?" David asked, as equally fascinated as I was.

"Well…he was Arthurs most trusted companion, especially during the affair of Genieve and Sir Lancelot." She smiled. "I was told that he was always seeking out adventures yet he never really made a mentionable one. He fought bravely in his last battle."

"The one where Mordred attacked them." David added.

"Who's Mordred?" I asked confused.

"King Arthur's son." They said simultaneously. I smirked at them and Mother continued her story. "He was one of the last knights standing and even though he was slain, with Bedivere's help they tried carry the dying King Arthur to a nearby chapel. But the stress was too much and he passed." She said sadly. "I think he is my favourite knight." She said.

"Lucan…" I said looking at the puppy. His eyes opened and twinkled up at me. "Lucan." I said again and his tailed wagged.

"Looks like he likes it." David said.

"Sir Lucan it is." Mother said, with a smile on her face. The first smile I had seen in a long time.

Two weeks passed and the growth of Lucan became extremely noticeable. At first he had been hesitant towards the left over stew that neither Mother Fitzpatrick nor I could finish. But his hunger got the best of him and he gobbled up ever last drop, licking the wooden bowl clean.

Since then his belly seemed rounder and his steps were more joyous and playful. But he wasn't the only change that I noticed. Mother seemed to enjoy having him around, or at least she did when she wasn't in the company of others. She started eating more, making comments about how all the good food was being given to the dog rather than to the people who deserved it. And she started knitting again, after Lucan had broken into her room and grabbed the grey wool that would've been a sweater for Andrew, but was just a long piece of grey wool. Playing with it he brought it out to the fire and laid down to chew on it. Both mother and I over reacted and scolded him, but seeing the fabric made Mother want to finish what she had started. Things were starting to get back into a familiar routine.

One day, after making lunch I decided that I would take Lucan to visit my father and the kids. Aggie and Samuel loved playing with him and he loved seeing them. They tired each other out so at the end of the day the three of them would be sleeping in front of the fire.

Lucan normally stayed by my side, occasionally sniffing the ground or watching as a rabbit bounced by. He would run to greet people that were crossing paths with us and would sit calmly and let them pet him before chasing after me. When we got close to my old home he would bolt up the drive and sit scratching at the door as he waited for someone to open the door.

"Lucan! Sammy, Lucan's here!" Aggie shouted bending down and letting the dog lick her face.

"Nice to see you missed me." I said with a smile and Aggie grinned.

"Auntie!" She raced into my arms and held me tightly. Behind her Samuel appeared and he bent down to kiss the dog, ruffling his ears before racing to me as well.

"How are my two favourite people today?" I asked kissing each one and then reaching into my pocket and handing them a piece of sugar that I had gotten from the market.

"Thank you!" They said, their eyes wide with happiness.

"Don't let your mother see you eat them before dinner time." I said giving them a wink. They laughed and nodded. Samuel pressed a finger to his lips and giggled.

"Come on Sammy. Come Lucan!" She called him and the three of them raced towards the barn. Debbie stood in the doorway, with her hands on her hips. "I saw and heard that!" She said, trying to hide the smile on her face.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I said kissing her cheek and sliding past her. I spotted Nathaniel on by the fire, sucking his fist and smiled.

"How's my baby?" I said picking him up. "You're getting so big!" I kissed him and smelt his curly blonde hair.

"How are you doing?" She asked, as she did every time I saw her.

"Better." I said sitting at the table and smiling down at the baby.

"You look happier."

"I think I am happier."

"Ever since you found that dog, you've changed." She said hitting a pile of dough. I smiled.

"A dog can do a lot of things to a person. You should get one." She snorted and rolled her eyes.

"Yes that's what I need. One more mouth to feed." She said hitting the pile of dough harder. I studied her and noticed her pale cheeks and her damp blonde hair beneath her cap.

"Debbie?" I asked and she looked at me.

"It's nothing." She said and looked away. A smile crept onto my face and I went to her side, lifting Nathaniel to my shoulder.

"Are you?" She stopped hitting the dough and sighed.

"Yes." She said and I laughed.

"Well you don't waste any time." I said and she scowled at me.

"Talk to that brother of yours. I swear you Simons need help!" She said hitting the dough again. I smirked and looked at the baby.

"Have you told the kids yet?"

"No, we're waiting a little longer." She said. "No one knows. Well your father probably does, because he caught me bringing up my lunch this afternoon."

"Here let me do that." I said remembering how ill Debbie got when she was expecting. She sighed and took Nathaniel while I rolled out the dough.

"What am I going to do?" She asked brushing Nathaniel's hair back.

"What every woman does do." I said with an encouraging smile. "It's only one more mouth…one small tiny mouth."

"Yes that's easy for you to say, it's just the two of you living there." She said and then sighed. "I'm sorry. That was cruel of me to say that."

"It's alright." I said smiling slightly. "David is going to stay with us for a little bit and maybe he will just move in with us. I need the extra help anyways. So you can use his portions for that extra mouth." I smiled and she shook her head.

"This is the last one. I swear!"

"How do you plan to accomplish that?" I asked and she smirked at me.

"There are other ways to have sex without getting pregnant." She said and I cringed.

"Ugh. He's my brother. Can we not talk about things like that?" I said trying to swallow the bile that was in my mouth.

"What shall we talk about?" She said chuckling and I shrugged. "Oh!" She said startling the baby and me. He started to cry ands he soothed him quickly before she placed him back on the floor. "This was delivered here for you."

"For me?" I asked, watching her leave the room. "Why would someone send something here for me?" I called after her.

"I don't know, but it was addressed to Miss. S. Simon." She said raising her eyebrows as she offered up a large white parcel. There was a gold ribbon on it and cream coloured parchment.

"Who?" I asked and she shrugged.

"We didn't open it, because it is not ours. Now open it. I've been waiting three days for this." She said and I shook my head at her. I pulled open the ribbon and lifted the lid off of the box.

Inside was soft blue silk and when I touched it , my hand felt like it was running through water. I looked at Debbie who strained to see what it was and she smiled. I pulled the fabric out of the box and it fell into the shape of a dress.

"My goodness." Debbie said as she studied it . The dress was made entirely of silk and had gold thread lacing the sleeves together and the front of the corset. The dress sat off your shoulders and light blue silk ruffled along the shoulders and bust line. I pressed it up against myself and listened to the sound it made when I moved.

"It's beautiful." Debbie said, wiping her hands on her apron before she touched it. I handed it to her and grabbed the parchment attached to the ribbon. I blanked at the purple seal and gently tore it open.

_You can't wear black forever._

_ -Adam_


	16. Easter Surprise

**A/N**: In case your curious as to the breed of Lucan, he is an English Mastiff.

* * *

I woke up this morning and lay in bed. The bright spring sun streamed in through the wooden slates and hit the blue dress that hung on the back of my door. It made the dress sparkle and glitter in the sunlight. The urge to try it on overwhelmed me as it did every time I looked at it since I got it three weeks ago. I sighed and Lucan looked at me as he rested his head on the pillow beside me. I squinted my eyes at him and his tail started wagging.

"You're supposed to be at the end of the bed." I said and his tail wagged harder. He crept closer to me and his slobbery tongue licked my face until I was giggling. I pulled away from him and wiped my face, cringing at the smell of dog breath. He jumped off the bed and started whining at the door. I sighed and pushed back the quilt. He looked at me in anticipation and I shook my head. "Alright I'm coming." I opened the door and he raced from my room to the kitchen door, stopping to lick David's sleeping face. I wrapped the shawl around me and opened the door to let him out.

He raced out the door to the edge of the woods to relieve himself. As I watched I noticed how spring was starting to show everywhere. There was still snow on the ground, but little pieces of grass were sticking up and there were birds chirping in the trees. The buds on the trees were just starting to become evident and the snow dripped from the trees.

Lucan came running up to me and jumped up on me. His paws resting on my stomach and making two perfect muddy paw prints.

"LUCAN!" I squealed as he darted into the house happily wagging his tail. I should've been expecting this, seeing as he did it every morning. I looked down at the two marks on my stomach and sighed. This was my last clean nightgown and David laughed as I walked back through the door.

"Again?" He said as he patted the dog's head. Lucan was sitting beside David panting and looking as cute as ever. I scowled at him and his tailed wagged harder.

"NO! That look means I am not pleased with you!" I said to him, even though I scratched his head as I passed him.

"Susanna?" A muffled voice came from Mother Fitzpatrick's room and I looked at David before I braved the unknown. I knocked before I opened the door and immediately coughed at the smell of dust. It was dark and gloomy and everything was black.

"Mother? Are you alright?" I asked searching for her face. I opened the door wider, to let in more light and she looked up from her dark bed covers.

"I don't think I can make it to mass today." She said.

"But its Easter mother." I said shocked.

"I know, I'm sure God will understand." She said and rubbed her eyes. I noticed the red puffiness to them and knelt beside her bed. I placed my hand in hers and studied her sad face.

"Don't you think today would be the perfect opportunity to thank God for everything that we have been given." I said and she inhaled deeply.

"It's my anniversary today." She said and I blanked. I was thinking that she was upset about Andrew, but she was mourning the loss of her husband. I frowned at her and she squeezed my hand.

"It has never been easy going to mass on the day of my anniversary and God has never seemed to mind." She said and I nodded.

"I'll make sure I bring you a slice of pie home." I said and she smiled. I kissed her hand before getting up to leave the room.

"Oh Susanna?" She said as I reached the doorframe. "It's Easter Sunday. You should change from that black dress into something more fitting."

"But I don't have anything else." I said.

"You should wear the blue one." She said smiling slightly. I stared at her shocked. I had hidden it there so that she wouldn't see it and that she wouldn't think that I was trying to get rid of Andrew. But here she was, surprising me by knowing about the dress.

"I-I-"

"No one will talk because it is Easter." She nodded, dismissing me. I took a deep breath and left the room.

I quietly closed the door behind me and looked at the dress. I felt the fabric and watched the dress sparkle in the sunlight. I slowly lifted my nightgown over my head and through it on the bed. I gently touched the dress and lifted it off the hook. I took a deep breath and put the dress on.

Without looking at my reflection I knew that it looked good. It clung to my body and flowed out when I walked. As I twirled around the bedroom it felt like I was wearing water. I smiled brightly as I looked at myself in the mirror and ran my hands down my sides feeling the dress. It was amazing how a new dress can completely change your mood.

An hour later David and I were on our way to mass. He had smiled brightly when I came out with hair my tied back, but still curling down my back. I put on my traveling cloak, which covered the dress and we were on our way.

As we entered the small chapel we spotted our family in the second pew on the left. They smiled brightly at us and moved over to make room for David and I. I noticed that Debbie was missing and leaned towards Jacob.

"Where is Debbie?"

"She's not feeling too good today." He said not meeting my eye. Aggie sat beside him with her hand over her mouth smiling brightly. She looked at me and raised her eyebrows before Jacob nudged her and she looked away. I smirked at her thinking that they must have told her about the new baby.

Just before mass there was noise from the back and the crowd started buzzing with conversation. The need to look back was unnecessary for the culprit walked right past me and sat in the pew directly in front of me. My breathing completely stopped when his traveling companion sat beside him. I blinked at his golden hair and then to his dark hair. Then the music started playing and I jumped up. I could feel David and Jacob eyeing me curiously as they stood beside me but I refused to look anywhere but at the statue of Mary gently looking down on us.

I fully participated in the mass, but I never thought about what I was truly saying. I was focusing so hard on anything but Adam and Jesse that before I knew it mass was over and people were leaving the church. I pretended to be fixing my boot as Adam and Jesse got up to leave the church.

"Auntie we're coming over today!" Samuel said.

"You are?" I asked looking up at Jacob. Aggie punched Samuel in the shoulder and tears filled up in his eyes.

"Agnes that was not nice!" Jacob scolded. "And yes we were planning on coming over for dinner, since it is your birthday and all." I blushed. Not that I had forgotten my own birthday but I hadn't wanted to remind anyone that I was a year older and not married with no children.

"Well I better get home and clean the house then. It's a horrible mess." I said with a smile. I kissed each child, wiping away Samuel's tears and then left the church. People were gathered around a large oak tree where Adam and Jesse stood talking to men, women, boys and girls. I quickly lifted my hood over my head and passed by them.

"Ms. Fitzpatrick! Wait!" Adam cried and the crowd went quiet as he raced to my side. He looked under my hood and smiled at me. "Hello."

"Hello." I nodded and gave a slight smile. I looked around at the curious eyes and felt my stomach turn.

"Did you like my present?" He whispered and I blushed.

"Yes."

"But I see you did no wear it."

"I am actually." I said and subtly lifted my traveling cloak an inch from the ground. He stared at the ground and a huge grin broke over his face. He studied my face and I couldn't help but smile at his boyish grin. "Stop it!" I hissed smiling as I looked away.

"I'm just happy that you like it." He said and followed me to my buggy. He helped me up into the buggy and I noticed that people were still staring. Some gave looks of disapproval, some smiled, some frowned with sadness.

"I have to go now, thank you for the present." I said and he stood back and nodded.

"It was my pleasure." He said, giving me a wink. I inhaled deeply and snapped the reins. I didn't dare look behind me as I made my way back to the house, and my hands didn't stop shaking until I reached the house. I realized then that I had forgotten David and that he would have to walk back. I sighed and lead the horse into the barn, where another buggy was parked. I looked at it curiously and noticed that it looked oddly familiar.

After locking the horse in its pen I headed for the house. As I entered the house it was strangely quiet and dark.

"Mother? Are you awake?" I looked around the room and noticed that the shutters had been closed since I opened them this morning. "Mother?" I asked looking around again before hanging my traveling cloak on the wooden peg.

"SURPRISE!" They all shouted as they jumped up from their hiding places. I stepped back completely shocked by all the people that managed to hide in this small house. I burst into a grin and tears pricked my eyes. Then everyone started singing Happy Birthday and the tears flowed from my eyes. Aggie and Samuel wrapped their arms around my legs and waist, holding me tightly.

Debbie smiled at me mischievously as she kissed my cheek and the baby smiled when I kissed him. Gina hugged me next, wrapping her arms so tightly around my shoulders.

"Your so old!" She said and I laughed.

"You'll be 17 in a month!" I said and she shrugged.

"You'll always be older!" She gave me a wink and went to help Debbie open the shutters.

"Daughter." Papa said holding out his arms. I smiled and snuggled close to him, smelling my father's familiar scent and feeling completely relaxed. "Did we really surprise you?" He asked brushing me hair back.

"Yes Papa." I said and he wiped the tear from my cheek.

"Good." He said, smiling again and moving away towards the food.

The list of people went on and on until I thought I couldn't be hugged anymore. But the last two people I shook my head at.

"How-How did you get here so fast?" I asked looking at Jesse's bright smile and Adam's smug face.

"It was all part of the plan my dear." He said and kissed my cheek. Jesse followed queue and the two smiled at me.

"Your sister wrote to us and asked us to take part in the celebration of your birthday." Jesse said. I quickly glanced at Debbie and she raised her eyebrows before turning back to Mother Fitzpatrick who was in charge of this whole thing. I smiled at her and sighed.

"Excuse me for a second. There's one person I must thank." I said, completely shocking them.

"Of course." Adam says and I curtsied before turning my back on him and walking toward Mother.

"Hello dear." She said to me and smiled. I wrapped my arms around her tightly and just held onto her. She eventually held me tightly too and we stood embracing each other, both of us thinking that Andrew should be here.

"Thank you." I said, wiping the fresh tears on my face.

"You deserve it." She said wiping her own tears. I smiled at her and pulled up my sleeves.

"Where can I help?" I asked.

"No!" Debbie said.

"Susanna this is your party. We can take care of it." Mother said shooing me away from the food preparations. Two of my father's friends started playing the fiddle in the corner and music filled the small house. The noise was unbelievable but it made it peaceful and happy. Lucan was unsure where to go and latched himself to Jesse's side.

"Is this your dog?" he asked me and I nodded. He raced towards me and turned in a circle so I could scratch just above his tail.

"He's quite the dog." Adam said from behind me and I smiled.

"A hunting dog." Jesse said.

"An ugly dog." Adam said and I smiled. "I would've pictured you with something more…"

"Feminine?" I asked and Adam shrugged, eyeing the dog.

"I found him in the woods and brought him home. He helps David with the cattle and keeps Mother company when I am away." I said and he sat directly on my feet and rested his head against my legs, panting gently.

"It suits you." Jesse said and I smiled. There was a tug on my dress and when I turned around, little Henry was behind me.

"Hello darling." I said picking him up. He smiled at me and handed me a flower. "For me?" I asked and he smiled and nodded.

"Burfday." He said and I grinned.

"Thank you." I said kissing his cheek and noticing the way that his cool grey eyes studied mine. I blinked at him and studied his face. As he got older there was a familiarity to his face that I could not place.

"Sorry if he's bothering you." Gina said taking him from my arms.

"Oh not at all." I said smiling. "He gave me this nice flower." I said.

"Yes one from the flower bouquet that we went to a lot of trouble to get!" She scolded and he frowned.

"Thank you Henry. I love it!" I kissed his cheek and put the flower into my hair. He smiled bright at me and looked at his mother triumphantly. She shook her head and placed him back on the ground where the other kids were playing with their wooden toys.

I watched Henry study the other kids as they played. I watched how he eyed Samuel's toy jealously and how he looked through the crowd for his mother, before he snatched the toy from Samuel and ran away. I blinked at him and the next pair of eyes that I saw were the same cool grey ones, which normally looked at me with years of resent and anger. But today I noticed that they looked at me with guilt.

The party lasted long into the night. With the barrel of ale, courtesy of Pat and Mel from the Hunting Horse, people were drunk by 10 o'clock and leaving with other guests by 12. The children were asleep on my bed and the food had been devoured and cleared away. I noticed that Lucan was getting very frustrated with all the people here, so around 12:30 I took him outside and we walked to the barn and he ran through the fields chasing the night critters that had dared to face the melting snow.

I sighed as I leaned against the old barn and studied the bright moon. Papa had told me once when I was small that stars were holes in heaven for people to watch over there loved ones. As I watched the stars twinkle brightly, I wondered if my mother and Andrew were up there watching me; if they were proud of me.

"Beautiful night huh?" Adam asked appearing beside me. I smiled and nodded, barely looking away from the sky. "That dress does suit you." He said looking at me and I smiled again.

"Thank you." I said with a sigh and kept watching the sky. I could feel him studying my face but I didn't look at him. My body was buzzing from the alcohol and I was getting sleepy so avoiding his gaze was easy.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked and this time I looked at him.

"Well…" I sighed. "I'm 17 years-old and I am not married and have no children." I smiled. "I'm going to be an old maid."

"Well you were married. That has to count for something." He said smiling and I shook my head.

"I suppose." I said thinking of Andrew.

"Susanna?" He asked and I looked at him. "I was wondering if you would come and visit me, when I'm at my vacation home in the summer?"

"Visit you?" I eyed him carefully. "Without a chaperone?"

"Of course not. There will be plenty of people there and you can bring a friend of course." He smiled brightly and touched my hand. "Please." I studied his face, which were inches from mine. His eyes were darker than the sky and they held such a longing that I felt pain for him in my heart. I smiled and leaned close to him. I reached up and gently kissed his lips. He was shocked at first and didn't respond to my touch, but as I backed away he leaned forward and kissed me. It started off slow but quickly heated up and before long he was pressing me against the barn wall and I could taste the chicken broth on his tongue.

His hands cupped my face and ran through my hair as I pulled his waist closer to me. I could feel a hardness in his groin and it excited me. I smiled against his kisses and brought my hands up to his hair. I gently pulled on it as he lifted me up higher. He kissed my neck and the bare skin of my shoulder whilst his hands expertly lifted my dress and started feeling my bare legs.

He stared at me for a second, giving me a soft kiss before he reached down to lift his own tunic up. And then the dog started barking. We both jumped and backed away from each other. His hair was tousled and his lips were bright red and swollen. We looked over to Lucan and noticed that he was barking towards the trees. I blinked and moved forward, trying to see what he was barking at but it was too dark.

"What is it Lucan?" I asked moving a step closer. A twig cracked and a flash of light caught my eye.

"Come on Susanna." Adam said pulling my hand. "Maybe we better go back inside." His voice held fear and I stared at the spot again thinking that the glint of light I saw looked a lot like the sheath Andrew used to carry.

"Come Lucan." I said to the dog and Adam and I started back towards the house. Lucan gave another bark of warning before he followed us.

"So that was a yes then?" Adam asked, taking a hold of my hand.

"That was a yes." I said, smiling brightly and kissing him gently before going into the house. Adam waited outside for a few minutes so it didn't look suspicious but when he entered into the house Gina appeared at my side and studied my face.

"Did you just have sex with the King of England?" She asked and I stared at her with a shocked smile.

"No!" I said and then looked around. "Keep your voice down!" I said smiling to Father Jack who stumbled into the chair beside us.

"You have the look of sex all over you and so does he." We both looked at Adam as he bushed down a part of his hair that was sticking up. He caught my eye and smiled.

"We just kissed."

"Polite kissing doesn't result in swollen lips and untidy hair." She said fixing a loose strand of my hair.

"Yes well. It wasn't polite kissing but we didn't have sex." She eyed me suspiciously.

"Would you tell me if you had?"

"Would you tell me if my brother is the father of your child?" I asked and then wished I hadn't. She stared at me with an expression of pure shock and when she looked away there were tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry Gina!" I said and grabbed onto her hand. She stared at it and the tears poured down her cheek. "I didn't mean to bring it up. It's just that… I can't believe that my brother left you alone instead of marrying you." She took a deep shaky breath and wiped her face.

"It's more complicated than that Susanna." She said sounding years older than I.

"I'm sure I can understand." I said and she smiled. She shook her head and looked towards Bradley. He stood in a corner scowling at everyone, whilst drinking the last of the ale. He met her gaze and I could tell that he was studying her sad expression. His face softened and he moved forward a step, stopped and then rested back on the wall again.

I watched my brother look away and scowl at a group of giggling girls as they walked past them. He seemed to care for Gina, yet why he hadn't stepped up and be the man that I knew he wanted to be puzzled me.

"It's in the past now Susanna." Gina said smiling at me. "I've moved on and accepted my life."

"But it doesn't make sense." I said and she smiled.

"Does anything ever make sense?" She asked and I frowned.

"I could talk to him for you?" I said and she scowled.

"No! You must not talk about this to anyone. No one can know." She said holding my hand tightly.

"Yes Gina, alright." I said and when she let go of my hand I rubbed it. "My goodness just because you have red hair doesn't mean you get to actually take you're anger out on me." I said and she smiled.

"Everyone knows that you never mess with a red head. They've got a fiery temper." She said with the perfect imitation of a Scottish accent. We giggled together and couldn't seem to stop laughing. It wasn't until Papa came over to say goodbye that we stopped. Gina got up and mumbled something about finding Henry before she disappeared.

"You know how I feel about her." Papa said watching her leave the room.

"Papa, please. She's been my oldest friend." I said and he frowned. "She was there for me when Momma died and then again when Andrew died. I can't turn her away because she had a baby out of wedlock. Plenty of people have done it. Even your parents." I said and he stared at me shocked. He sighed and kissed my forehead.

"I forget that you are no longer a child." He said touching my cheek gently. "But you must be careful of who influences you. Your reputation is all that is important in your life right now."

"Why is that the only thing that is of importance?"

"Because you need to marry again and marrying can be difficult if one has a bad reputation." I stared at him shocked and he smiled.

"Papa! My husband has been in the ground for less than 4 months."

"I know. I'm not saying get married now dear, I'm saying that you need to remember that one day, whether it's a year or five years from now, you will want to marry again." I looked at him and shook my head.

"You haven't married again and it's been 5 years." I spat and he frowned.

"I have no need to marry again. I have four children and that is all that I need." He smiled. "I'm too old to be worrying about those things again. And I'm too poor." He chuckled but I didn't even smile.

"Or your still in love with Momma and no one will compare to her." I said. He face grew sad and I regretted what I said, but I didn't let it show. "Imagine if you had someone telling you that you needed to _mind your manners_ because you needed to get married again, after you just lost the love of your life?"

"Alright Susanna." He said holding up his hands. "I was only trying to help you." He turned away from me and the anger disappeared and was replaced by sadness. He stopped a couple feet and turned back to me. "The difference between my situation and yours is that she truly was the love of my life." He said before leaving my house. I stared at the open door with complete shock. My father had never spoken to me that way before.

"He's had too much to drink Susanna. He doesn't mean it." Jacob said placing his hands on my shoulder.

"But it's true. I told him that I didn't love Andrew." I said tears in my eyes. "And he knows that I feel guilt for it every day." Tears streamed down my face and Jacob wrapped his arms around me.

"Come now. It's your birthday. You must not cry." He patted my back gently and held onto me while I cried out all the mixed emotions I was feeling. When I was done crying I sighed and wiped my face. He smiled at me and kissed my cheek. "I'm supposed to help carry the kids into the buggy," he said eyeing Debbie who walked past carrying Nathaniel.

"I'm alright." I said with a smile. "Go home."

"Good night sister." He said and kissed my forehead before disappearing into the bedroom.

As the last buggy disappeared I sighed and leaned against the doorframe. I felt the cold breeze on my hot skin and closed my eyes.

"Susanna?" Mother appeared behind me. "Come and open your gifts."

"I feel too tired." I said with a sigh. "It's been a wonderful night." I turned to her and she knelt by the large pile of wrapped gifts.

"At least open the one his Majesty gave you." She said holding up a small blue box with a gold ribbon on it. I looked at it curiously and she smiled brightly at me. I took the present from her and carefully unwrapped the gift.

Inside was a gold pendant. It was in the shape of an oval and had a pink emerald in the middle. In the middle of that emerald was a flower that had been carved into the stone and there was a teardrop pearl that hung from the bottom of the pendant. I looked at Mother and she smiled at me. I lifted it out of the box and noticed the long purple ribbon that it was attached too, so I would wear it around my neck. Mother rushed behind me and tied the ribbon high enough so that the pendant fell just above my dress.

"It's beautiful." I said and Mother nodded.

"He definitely has good taste."

"Or knows someone with good taste." I said and she laughed. She stared at the pendant with a strange look before she smiled and stood up.

"Well dear. I'm extremely tired seeing as I missed my naps today." She grumbled and I couldn't help but smile.

"Mother?" I said and she turned to me. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." She said with a small smile, eyeing the pendant one more time before retreated to her bedroom. I stared at the pile of presents and knew I would have to leave them for the morning. There was one present that stuck out and I leaned over to look at it. The box was in soft pink and had a white bow on it. It was a perfect square and very large. The lid lifted off and I stared shocked at the object inside.

I carefully grabbed the red and white-checkered blanket and pulled it from the box. I lifted it to my face and noticed that it still held onto the familiar smells of my youth. A piece of paper floated to the ground and I picked it up.

_ I think you forgot something._

_ -Jesse_

I smiled at the blanket and wrapped it around me as I had the day that I met him. He had found the blanket where I had left it on the shore of the river and kept it. He probably kept it as a prank, but now that things had changed between us the blanket had a whole new meaning. I remembered the kiss I had shared with Jesse and how it had made me tingle for hours after. Kissing Adam or Andrew had created a passion within me, but it never left me with the same feeling. For the first time since Andrew died I considered the rest of my life and where it might go. For the first time since my husband died I thought of the possibility of having another.


	17. It's An Adventure

One night I woke up to the sound of Lucan's frantic barks. He jumped up on the door, his rapidly growing body reaching the door latch. He scratched his nails down the door making an even louder sound.

"Lucan, be quiet!" I said throwing the blankets back with frustration. I opened the door and he bolted out of the room. Thinking that he had to pee I followed him. When I went into the kitchen I noticed that David's pillows and blankets were still on the floor, messy but he wasn't there. A quick burst of panic went through my body and I raced to the door. When I opened it Lucan raced out into the dark.

"David?" I called and there was no answer. Lucan's bark came from the barn and I noticed the light emitting from in between the barn doors. I rubbed my arms as I walked towards the barn. The cool breeze went through the nightgown hitting my skin, giving me goose bumps and the frosted grass crunch beneath my bare feet.

At the door to the barn, I could hear Lucan panting and the eerie sound of all the quiet animals. There was a loud groan and then heavy panting. I stepped into the warm barn and looked around. I spotted an open stall at the end of the barn and headed in that direction. When I reached the stall I froze.

"Wh-What's wrong with her?" I asked looking at the cow, who lay on the fresh hay and David who crouched down beside her. David jumped and looked up at me with tired eyes.

"She's in the labour stages now." He said turning back to the calf and watched as its stomach rippled.

They say that birth is the most beautiful thing, but when you see it first hand you wonder what type of mental state those people were who said it was beautiful. The beauty was not in the actual animal being born, it was how the cow sat silently, staring straight at the wall of the barn, concentrating on getting her baby out and into the world.

It was a long process of waiting. David said we could do nothing to help her, even as the calf's head sat hanging out of its mother's body for three minutes. I tried hard not to vomit as the hay became covered with blood and embryonic fluid. Lucan lay on the floor behind me and the animals all stood in their pens, silent as if giving respect to the suffering mother. I was vaguely aware of David coaching the cow along.

Finally the mother gave one last groan and the tiny calf slipped out. It shook its ears as if it had been sprayed with water and the mother stood up as if nothing had happened. She went to her baby and stood over it licking clean.

The little calf was a soft brown, the colour of fresh brown sugar, and blinked its eyes looking around at its surroundings. The mother gently licked its face and cleared away some of the fluid and hay stuck to the baby's face. The baby looked around the barn, blinking at David and then at me. Its ear gave a little wave when the mother moved onto cleaning its back.

David sat patiently against the pen wall and watched. I sat beside him and he rested his head on my shoulder.

"How did you know this was happening?" I asked him.

"I have been watching her." He said. "Papa told me that when she starts to pull away from the crowd and section off a small corner then she is getting ready for labour. So when she went and lay down at the edge of the field I realized what was happening. But she never had the calf. She just lay there and went to sleep. So last night I left the window opened and when I heard the a groan from the barn I jumped up and raced out here."

"But why?" I asked, seeing his tired young eyes. "You didn't have to do anything."

"Papa said it's better if I was there, to help if it was needed." He said and yawned. "Look." He said his head jolting up. As my eyes flicked to the baby I saw the mother nudge its bottom with her nose telling it to get up. It moved its legs in the hay. It's tiny, thin legs slowly tried to find the ground and within two seconds it was up on its feet. Its legs were too shaky and it fell back down, but its mother coaxed it with a quick nudge and the baby tried again. After three attempts the calf stumbled around the pen and finally found it's mothers milk. David and I sat in awe of this baby, where an hour ago it was inside of its mother and now was walking around.

"Amazing huh?" David said and stood up.

"Wait. You're leaving?" I asked and he smiled down at me as if I was the 12 year old.

"There's nothing us for us to do." He smiled at the mother and baby. "Our job is done."

"Easiest job in the world. I said getting to my feet." The cow blinked at me and I studied its face.

"Come on Susanna. We'll have to get up in a few hours." He said mimicking Papa's voice. I smiled and shook my head.

"You sound just like him." I said and he grinned proudly as we walked back to the house with Lucan at our heels.

I found that I couldn't sleep after watching the calf being born. I tossed and turned, disturbing Lucan's peaceful slumber, but I couldn't welcome sleep. The whole thing had excited me and all I wanted to do was check on the new calf. Papa had never let me help with things like that and we only had one calf when I was a child. David and I had called him Theodorus. Debbie had told us of this man. Theodorus of Cyrene who studied mathematics. As she started explaining it to us we lost interest and laughed at the name. When we saw the new cow stumble around the field we laughed and David said he was Theodorus, the stumbling mathematician. At 13 and eight it was very funny. Papa sold the calf three weeks later and David and I never named another cow.

When the sun came up I jumped out of bed. I quickly changed from my nightgown to my old brown dress and tied my hair back into my cap. I opened the wooden shutters and the sun poured into my room. The air was cool but it smelt of new grass and fresh leaves. I quickly tidied my bed and went out into the kitchen to start breakfast. David snored softly beside the dull fire and I quietly went around the kitchen so that I didn't wake him.

When mother came into the kitchen she had a mean snarl on her face. "What was all that ruckus last night?" She snapped looking at Lucan with fury, yet gently petting his head.

"We have a new calf." I said smiling. She nodded and the fury faded from her face. She smiled at the dog and then spotted David sleeping on the floor.

"What's he still doing asleep?" She said louder.

"I'm letting him sleep because he was up late last night." I said and when she opened her mouth I grabbed the mucking boots. "I'm going to get milk. Let him sleep." I ordered and left the house. I slipped the boots on and grabbed the clean tin bucket used for collecting milk that hung on the wall.

I went into the first pen and patted the black and white spotted cow before I sat down on a small wooden stool and started milking the cow. There is something so soothing about milking a cow, about feeling the warm skin and hearing the sounds of the hot milk filling the bucket. When the bucket was half full I patted her neck and left the pen. I stopped at pen with the new calf and smiled as it lay sleeping beside its mother.

David awoke at the smell of sizzling bacon and smiled brightly when I told him that I already got milk. As we sat around eating I watched David and thought of how much I didn't know that he did know. When the plates were empty and everyone was drinking their cups of tea I sighed.

"There are going to be some changes." I said looking at mother, because she was the one who would fight me.

"Changes?" She asked, looking at me with a cold expression.

"Yes. I am going to start helping the boys with the field work." I said and watched as Mother looked at me horrified.

"You don't have to Susanna." David said. "John and I can manage."

"I know you can David, but I can't expect you to live here forever. And this way I'll get out of the house more."

"But what about the cooking and washing?" Mother asked. "You're not expecting an old, frail woman like me to do it are you?"

"Yes I am." I said with a shrug and crossed my arms. I could see David's shocked face in the corner of my eye but I focused only on Mother's panicked, angry face.

"I wont do it." She said stubbornly.

"Yes you will." I said raising my eyebrows at her.

"Don't you tell me what to do? This is my house."

"Technically it is my house." I said and she stared at me shaking with anger. I turned to David and smiled. "Can you excuse us please David?" He nodded and practically ran out of the house. I leaned forward and clasped my shaking hands on the table. "Mother, since I have moved in you have done nothing but sleep and complain about how I do things wrong. And I don't mind it. But as a child you were always the tough, strong woman who no one wanted to cross or get in your way. You loved cooking and cleaning and complaining about how much work there was for you to do." Mother looked away and I knew I was winning. "Having something to do will be good for you." When she met my eyes there was a tear on her cheek.

"I cant Susanna."

"Why not mother? What are you living for right now?" I asked sounding more harsh than I wanted.

"I-I-I don't want to talk about this anymore." She said rising from the table.

"Nora, I'm serious." At the sound of her name she stared at me shocked. "You are sad, depressed, and angry and you need to find something that will make you happy again."

"I- I don't want to be happy." She said tears pouring down her face. I sighed and watched this poor woman, crumble with grief. I wrapped my arms around her and was surprised when she held on to me tightly.

"It's going to be ok." I said and she took a deep breath and let go of me. She looked at the dishes and sighed.

"Well if you're a field hand now, why are you still in the kitchen?" She snapped and started collecting the plates. I smiled and kissed her cheek before dashing out of the house.

"You're alive!" David said smiling at me as he mucked the stall of our horse.

"Of course." I said and noticed John checking out the new calf.

"So what do you think?" I said leaning against the door to the pen. John jumped and smiled.

"She's cute. An unusual colour, seeing as the rest of your cows are black and white." He said studying the other three cows. I nodded and looked at the baby, she stared at us with bright blue eyes and her ears wiggled. She got up on shaky legs and came towards us, nervous yet curious. I stuck out my hand and she looked at it before she pushed her nose against my hand and let out a breath. My hand was soaked and I cringed as I wiped it on my dress. John laughed and I smiled and shook my head patting the small calf's head. It gave a quick squeal and happily skipped back to its tired mother.

"Well let's get these ladies out into the fields." I said and John nodded. He opened up the pens and allowed the three sheep, 5 cows and one horse to wander out of the barn slowly, blinking at the bright sunlight.

Two weeks later I woke up to the sound of Lucan scratching at my door and the smell of sausages. I looked at the pair of working pants that I had bought in town, telling the woman they were for my husband. I studied the way the worked and slipped them on tossing my nightgown onto the bed. I grabbed one of Andrew's old white shirts and slipped it over my head. I tied my hair into a bun and grabbed Andrew's old cap before I left the room. The look on mother's face when she saw me made a laugh burst out of my lips.

"What are you wearing?" She asked and David shook his head. He knew that I had bought the pants and we had laughed about it yesterday.

"Working in a dress is hard, so I bought working pants." She stared at me with a horrified expression.

"What will people think?" She said shaking her head and placing the plates on the table.

"They'll think that we've another hired hand." David said. "Or that Susanna has gone mental." He said and dodged the swat that I had aimed for his head.

"Besides who is going to see? I'm not about to go parading around wearing this outfit." Mother sighed and shook her head.

"I don't like it, but I guess if it's easier to work in…" I smiled triumphantly at David and he chuckled. I looked around the room as I ate my breakfast and noticed that it was brighter. Then I noticed that the wooden shutters had been opened and the sun, as opposed to the fire, was lighting the room. I smiled at my plate and mother noticed me.

"What? Why are you smirking in such a way?"

"It's nothing." I said and took a mouthful of scrambled eggs. Though this hadn't been what I had imagined my life would be like, I found that I enjoyed it more and more with each day. Little did I know that this life, the calm, quiet farm life was not going to last very much longer.

That after noon was the hottest yet, and by lunchtime the boys and I were sweating. We walked down to the creek and drank from the cold stream. We fed the animals and mucked the stalls and by mid afternoon I noticed how exhausting working in the fields actually was.

As the boys were gathering the bundles of hay, I headed to the house to check on mother. I wiped my hands on my pants and whistled as I walked around the side of the house. I stopped when I saw the buggy in front of my house. It was a dark carriage, with soft blue curtains in the windows and beautiful brown horses at the front. I patted them gently and looked at the half open front door.

I crept up to the house and listened. The voices coming from inside were muffled and I would've gotten away had it not been for David who shouted my name and asked who was here.

"Susanna. There you are." Mother said appearing at the door. She eyed me carefully and opened the door for you. "We have visitors." She said. I smiled and walked into the room.

"Maria!" I said grinning as her blue eyes met mine. She smiled at me and wrapped me in a tight embrace. I laughed and looked at my friend. "How are you?"

"Well…thank you." She looked at my outfit and chuckled. "A new trend?" I looked down and blushed.

"I've decided to learn more about field work."

"Why am I not surprised?" She said grinning.

"Come, sit." I said, sitting at the table. Mother placed two wooden mugs on the table and muttered something about filling the kettle before leaving the house. "So what brings you to Worchester?"

"I…well…I came to visit with you of course." She said, smiling brightly.

"I sense that there is something else." I said and she smiled.

"No. To be honest I was coming to check on you. To see how you were…handling everything." She blushed and I patted her hand.

"Things are getting back on their feet." I said.

"I can see that." She chuckled. "You look happy."

"As I can be." I said with a shrug and grabbed the plate of fresh scones that were on the counter top. I offered one to Maria and then took one. "So how is Spencer?"

"He's doing well. He's taken to dog training."

"Dog training?" I said and laughed. "I can actually imagine him doing that." She smiled and rolled her eyes.

"It keeps him busy, but it means that we've got three more dogs, on top of the six we've already got." She said and I laughed.

"My goodness you must have a full house." I said and she smiled sadly.

"It's actually pretty empty." She mumbled and I couldn't think of anything to say. "We were wondering if you would come and stay with us." She said her face brightening.

"Stay with you?"

"For a visit." She said, her eyes hopeful.

"I…" I looked around the house. I could use a little break I suppose. "I would love to!" I said smiling.

"Wonderful." She said clapping her hands together. "We were hoping you would want to stay for till Spencer's birthday."

"His birthday?"

"He will be 50." She said grinning. "And I am hosting a large party at the end of the month to celebrate."

"I would love to. When do we leave?"

"Tomorrow." I blanked and studied her.

"To-Tomorrow?"

"Is that a problem?" She frowned.

"No of course not. I-I just have to get things sorted."

"Wonderful!" She said clapping her hands again and I noticed a slight falter in her smile. I thought of this for a moment and then pushed it out of my head. This little trip would be fun for me.

The day came with such a speed that I hadn't even had time to think about the time. Mother had insisted that she would be able to manage everything with David and John's help. Lucan had known something was going on because he barely left my side and as I was packing all of Gina's dresses into a trunk he kept stealing them out of the trunk and running around the house with them. I finally locked him out of my room and was able to have everything ready by lunchtime.

"Are you sure you will be alright?' I asked Mother as I slipped my traveling cloak over my brown dress.

"Yes Susanna." She smiled and kissed my cheek.

"When you said changes I never thought they would be this drastic." David teased and I frowned.

"I can stay if you want."

"No. I was kidding." He kissed my cheek and nodded. "You'll have fun."

"Have you got everything?" Mother asked me passing my coin purse to me.

"Yes I think so." I said looking around the house.

"We can just get it at town if you have left anything behind." Maria said as she left the house. She stopped in the doorway and started laughing.

"What is it?" I asked.

"It looks like someone wants to come along." She said pointing to the carriage. Lucan sat tall and proud in the doorway of the buggy, as if to say that we weren't leaving without him.

"Lucan out." I said and when he didn't budge I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him out of carriage. He looked at me with sad eyes and my heart slightly broke. I told myself to not be stupid; he's just a dog. I kissed Mother and David again before I climbed into the buggy. As Maria was about to climb in I watched Lucan jump up onto the wooden bench beside the driver.

"Lucan!" David and I scolded. His ears went back, but he stared straight ahead pretending he didn't hear us.

"Stubborn." I said shaking his head.

"Persistent." Mother said. "Like the knight."

"We should've called him dog." I said grumbling as I got out of the buggy.

"Maybe he can tag along." Maria said. "Unless you need him here."

"No, we managed before without a dog." David said.

"Well let's bring him then. Spencer will love him." She said. I looked up at the dog, who was now wagging his tail and panting happily at his victory. He blinked at me as if to say, "you are not going anywhere without me". I sighed and pointed my finger at him.

"Fine, but your staying up there." I said and he barked. The driver smirked and patted the dog on the head. I waved to my family as the buggy drove away. I let out a sigh and sat back.

"Nervous?" Maria asked beside me.

"Yes, but I'm not sure why." She was quiet for a second and then patted my hand.

"It's a new adventure." She said and fell quiet as she watched the world pass by.

After an hour of travel I fell asleep. The night before I had not slept well and sleep took over when I had relaxed to the rhythm of the buggy along the dirt road. I dreamt of Lucan at the ocean, splashing in the waves and chasing the birds. I was sitting on the beach in a light pink dress with the checkered blanket beneath me and a large white hat on my head as I drew the image in front of me with a stick of charcoal and fresh parchment.

A noise made me look up and a figure was walking towards me. He was wearing white and his dark hair whipped in the wind. Then in the other direction another figure approached, but he wore black. There was something powerful in the way this man walked as apposed to the man in white. I studied the two of them and felt butterflies in my stomach. Lucan's bark startled me and I watched as he raced to the man in white. He stopped and bent down, patting the dog's head in a loving way. Then Lucan spotted the man in black and growled. The man froze and studied the dog. He decided that the dog was not dangerous and moved towards me. Then out of nowhere Lucan jumped and attacked him. I heard the man scream in agony as Lucan bit at his arms, his legs, his face.

"Lucan!" I screamed and then felt a hand on my arm. I looked down at the long dark fingers and felt the warmth radiate through my body. As I looked up at his face I was met with two dark blue eyes.

"Susanna?" he said but his voice was a woman's voice. I studied him and then watched as his face transformed into Maria's. "Susanna? Are you alright?"

"It was a dream." I said, blinking and wiping my face. The world was dark around us.

"We're here." She said smiling brightly. "Just in time for dinner." I looked out the window and blinked. As we drove down the dirt road I studied the open land. Tall green shrubs hid the garden from sight and surrounded the right side of the house where as tall evergreen trees stood on the left side. The dirt driveway ended in a large circle at the front of the house. As I got out of the buggy I looked up and stared in awe.

The house stood in an l-shape and had grey rock walls and tall brown windows. The front of the house was curved to outline driveway. There was a large archway that led inside of the house. Two young boys, dressed in the same bright blue outfit that the driver was wearing, met us. They grabbed the trunks from the back of the cart and carried them into the house. Next we were bombarded with a bunch of different dogs. They surrounded our legs and licked at our hands. Lucan went mental with excitement. He jumped off of the bench and started interacting with the other dogs.

"Dogs!" A loud voice rang out then a whistle. The dogs all stopped what they were doing and lay down. I stared in awe and Lucan looked at the other dogs as if they were weird specimens. Spencer appeared and looked proudly at his dogs. "Susanna." He said holding out his arms. I smiled and went into them, inhaling the scent of apples.

"How are you?" I asked.

"Wonderful." He beamed. I noticed that his cheeks were getting fuller and his eyes seemed brighter. He kissed his wife's cheek and spotted Lucan. "Is he yours?"

"Unfortunately yes." I said watching as Lucan crouched down in front of a large black dog, waiting for him to play.

"Beautiful breed. Very protective." He said patting Lucan's head.

"Yes, he insisted on coming." I said and we laughed.

"Come Susanna. I'll show you around the house." Maria said with excitement.

We walked into the archway and through two solid wood doors that had flowers carved into the door. The first thing I noticed was how high the ceilings were. They were at least 25 ft tall and the walls were a warm yellow. The floors were solid oak, with a long red carpet that went down a long hallway. The hallway had a small door at the end that led out to the garden. Along the right side of the hallway were two sets of doors. The first set were open and led into a sitting room with the same high ceilings. There was a bookshelf along wall with a small white chair for reading. Along the far wall was a fireplace with a white love seat and two white armchairs. On the floor was a skin rug and hanging dark paneled walls were 13 different deer heads.

The next set of doors was the dinning room doors. It too had dark paneled walls and tall windows. This room had a golden chandelier with twelve candles that hung over a long dark table. The table could seat 10 people and had a large vase of different coloured flowers on the table. There was a tiny wooden door that led into the kitchen.

On the left side of the hallway were 5 doors. Double doors led into the master bedroom, where Maria and Spencer slept together. The door next to them was the bathroom, where a large tub was placed in the middle of a bright room. The walls were a pale blue colour and the floor was a white marble. There shelves among shelves of towels, bath salts and soaps. The next door was locked and Maria completely passed by it without even looking at it.

My room was at the end of the hallway and when the door opened it smelled of flowers. The walls were a bright yellow and the ceiling was low. There was a large bed against the interior wall. It had white sheets with a yellow quilt that hung at the foot of the bed. The windows went from floor to ceiling, but only the top half opened out and golden drapes hung against the windows. There was a large empty wardrobe on the far wall and a matching writing desk in between the two large windows. There was a washbasin with a porcelain jug, basin and yellow cloth on a table by the door.

"I hope this will be enough space for you?" Maria said looking around the room with a frown.

"It's beautiful!" I said with a bright smile. "Thank you."

"I'm so glad that you are here Susanna." She said and the smile on her face told me that she was being honest.

"So hope you are hungry! Because we've got quite the feast for you." Spencer said with a chuckle.

"We'll let you get settled in call when supper's ready." Maria said and closed the door behind her. I looked at the room again and sighed. Lucan barked and jumped up on the bed.

"I don't think so mister." I said pointing at the floor. His ears went back and he grunted before getting off of the bed. He groaned as he lay on the floor and stared at me with sad eyes. I sat down on the bed and sank into the feather mattress. I laid back and instantly felt relaxed. I had to admit that this bed was more comfortable than the ones at the palace. Despite my worry about David and Mother I lay on the bed thinking this was going to be the best month of my life.


	18. Meeting Theodore

I could feel hot air on my face and the smell of spoiled meat. I scrunched my nose and opened one eye. Those bright blue eyes smiled at me and I closed my eyes again. "What are you doing up here? You're supposed to be on the floor!" I scolded sleepily. I rolled to the other side and felt Lucan nudge my back. He wasn't used to this sleeping in business and wasn't about to let me get away with oversleeping. He kept nudging me and then he licked my ear and I was suddenly awake. "Gross!" I said, wiping the saliva out of my ear and throwing back the soft blankets. Lucan was buried beneath them and struggled to get out. I stood back laughing as I watched him desperately try to get out. When he appeared from underneath the blankets with it between his jaws I freaked.

"No! Let go!" I said pulling on the blanket. He pulled back thinking it was a game. When the sound of a stitch snapping filled the air, my hand mechanically collided with Lucan's nose and then dog let go. He stared at me with big sad eyes and I instantly felt guilty. "Oh Lucan." I said grabbing the now 50 lb puppy and putting him on my lap. "I'm sorry." I said. He licked my chin three times and then jumped off. He stood at the door, watching me expectantly. I sighed and wondered why I had thought having a dog would be fun.

As I watched Lucan race through the back garden to the forest I noticed that the place was very quiet. We had only been here for two days, but in the morning the dogs would all be barking and playing, getting ready for the hunting to begin or for their long walks. I went back into the house, leaving the door open for Lucan and searched for Maria. Instead I found Spencer in the parlor reading a book.

"No hunting today?" I asked standing in the doorway. He jumped and smiled at me. His tired grey eyes, hidden behind small circular spectacles, studied mine and for a brief second he looked upset. Then he smiled.

"Maria took the dogs on a walk today." He said and I noticed the sadness in his smile. I thought about pressing further but decided against it. "Tell me, why did you chose that name?"

"What name?" I asked.

"Lucan?"

"It was moth…my brother's idea. He wanted to name him after a knight, and my mother-in-law loves the tales of the Knights of the Round Table. Out of all of them Lucan seemed to fit."

"Because he was the most loyal." Spencer said nodding to his book.

"Why did you choose the names for your dogs?" I asked noticing old Louis, lying by the fire. He was what Spencer called an Otterhound, with curly, golden matted hair that often hung in front of his eyes. He slept peacefully in front of the fire like he normally did.

"All of the dogs are named after famous King's and Queens. For example, Louis was a rebellious one who was married off at a young age and was not on good terms with his father." Spencer said looking sideways at his books.

"What are you doing?" I asked leaning forward.

"Researching."

"Researching what?" I asked looking at the brown leather book that looked larger than the bible.

"Dogs breeds. I think I've discovered what type Lucan is." At the sound of his name, his royal highness paraded into the parlor with a long stick in his mouth. He twirled in three circles and lay down to chew on the stick. I shook my head as I sat on the floor by Spencer's feet and he offered the book to me.

"His breed…what is it?" I asked truly curious.

"He is an English Mastiff." Spencer said pointing at the book. There was a bold title saying English Mastiff and then a drawing of a dog that looked very similar to Lucan. There were diagrams of feet and height, charts on life expectancy and how fast they could run. "It says that his breed are very calm and affectionate to its master, but it'll attack if protection is required." He said with a smirk and I smiled back. The thought of my dream with the men in black and white came to mind and I watched my dog chew the stick furiously.

"What-What else does it say?" I asked swallowing the rock in my throat.

"It says that they rarely attack unless it is provoked, but instead will pin the unknown human, or threat until its master gives them the ok. But they are, like I said, kind and gentle and good with other dogs. Often referred to as the "Giant Teddy bear." We both looked at Lucan who was lying on his back with the stick in his mouth. "There's more."

"What?" I asked smiling.

"It says that male Mastiffs can weigh anywhere from 150 to 250 lbs." He said eyeing me with a smile. I blanked.

"That's more than I weigh." I said, remembering the time that Gina and I weighed ourselves on the large meat scale in town. The butcher had scolded us yet we laughed the whole way home.

"I'd say by his size that he's roughly three to four months old." Spencer said putting the book on the table beside the chair and moving towards Lucan. The dog froze as he watched Spencer crawl towards him. Then, thinking it was a game; he rolled over and went into a playful position. Spencer copied him and I sat back amused as he studied my dog.

"What on earth are you doing?" Maria said watching her husband with a smile.

"I'm researching." He said and was then bombarded with dogs licking his face and jumping on him.

"How was your walk?" I asked and Maria smiled slightly. I noticed that her eyes were puffy and she was dressed in black.

"It's a beautiful day out." She said avoiding my question. "We should eat outside today." She said holding out her hand for me, watching Spencer wrestle with the dogs. I laughed and dodged the wrestling match as I grabbed onto her hand. "You're wearing pink!" She said eyeing my pink dress that Gina had lent me.

"Is that bad?" I said my face heating up and my hands touching the fabric.

"It's wonderful!" She said with a bright smile. "Let's eat I'm starving."

We were served breakfast in the garden, by Stewart, the butler and Eliza, the cook. Although Maria and Spencer liked to keep things proper and made sure they were always obeyed, they occasionally invited the two to dine with them. Eliza looked small and delicate, but when she talked she had a mouth like a sailor, with a low class accent. Her light brown hair was tied back in a neat bun and her dark green eyes showed every emotion she was feeling. As requested, she wore a white gown with a soft blue apron and a white cap.

Stewart was an older man. He was tall and skinny, bone thin actually with a baldhead and soft brown eyes. He had a thin white mustache and wore a black suit and always bowed when you greeted him, even though he was at my class level.

He and Spencer had been friends from their youth and Stewart had followed Spencer wherever he went. When the men were younger, Stewart had been a mischievous womanizer, and at the age of 18 impregnated the village whore. When the news came out, the town turned on Stewart and he was forced to marry the woman, and eventually leave his home. When his child was less that three months old, the woman left and Stewart was stuck penniless with a small baby. Spencer had given him a job when no one else would and for that Stewart felt like he owed Spencer his life.

"It's so nice outside today." Maria said with a sigh as she turned her face up to the warm sun.

"But them storm clouds ain't lookin' too promisin' misses." Eliza said, pointing to the dark clouds that sat on the horizon. Maria sighed and looked at her plate of eggs and ham. She started picking at eggs and her brows furrowed. I looked at Spencer who was watching her as well.

"So Stew, how's young James doing?" Spencer said, eyeing his wife quickly before turning to his friend.

"He's doing well. Studying law in London." Stewart beamed at the mention of his son.

"He must be coming home soon?" Spencer said and Maria raised her head.

"I…I think he should be home in a fortnight."

"Well you must bring him here to visit." Maria said smiling brightly. "I would love to see him again and he can meet our lovely Susanna." She said to me and I nodded.

"I shall tell him. Thank you." He smiled and looked thoughtful for a moment. "I have a fear that he is going to come home to tell me something of great importance."

"Oh?" Maria said, taking a bite of her eggs.

"How do you know?" Spencer asked and Stewart smiled.

"He wrote, in his last letter, that he needed to speak to me about a pressing issue. And he talked about how his age and how time seems to slip away from him."

"Sounds like 'e's wantin' to get hitched, so it does." Eliza said with a smile. It was hard not to notice the great poverty that she came from, especially when the evidence was smiling at your face. Her teeth, which were perfectly straight, were a faded brown colour from the tobacco she smoked and the ale that she drank.

"Yes Eliza, I was thinking that as well."

"Married?" Maria said with a smile. "Well that is something."

"Have you met the girl?" Spencer asked.

"Only once. She is the daughter of a farmer, and sometimes works in the palace." His eyes flicked to mine. "Jane I think her name is." I let out a breath as I realized I had thought it was Ceecee.

"Jane? I think I have met her." I said and everyone looked at me. Maria gave me a worried expression and I blinked at her.

"Oh you must've met her when we met at the King's coronation." She said smiling yet her eyes said something completely different. I watched her for a second and then smiled.

"Yes that's where we met. Nice girl, very funny." I said and took a bite of my buttered toast. The rest of the conversation passed by me unnoticed as I tried to figure out what had happened between Maria and I. She was acting strange all day. Maybe it was my doing? Maybe she was tired of me being here? It wasn't until the rain clouds were almost directly overhead that we all went inside. We each grabbed two dishes and carried them into the kitchen. And then the rain poured from the sky.

It rained for three days straight. I love the sound of the rain; it has always brought comfort and peace to me. But after three days of reading books and stitching a pattern on a piece of fabric, I got bored. On this day, the rain had stopped for an hour before I decided that I wanted to take a walk. I slipped on a dark green dress and my traveling cloak.

"Susanna?" Maria called my name as I passed by the parlor door. The candles and the fireplace lighted the room, because the sky was still dark and cloudy, even though it was just after lunchtime. I popped my head in the doorframe and gave my best smile. "Where are you off too?"

"I'm just going to let Lucan out for a run. Do you mind?" I asked, as if I would've asked my mother.

"Of course not." Spencer said peering at me over his glasses.

"Just be careful." She said, looking out at the sky. "That rain could start at any minute."

"I will be. We're not going far." I said with a smile. I bid farewell and shut the large oak door behind me. I stood in the doorway and inhaled deeply. The smell of the rain in the air gave me goose bumps. Lucan looked at the soaked green grass and then up at me.

"Well go on you big baby." I said and he raced forward, splashing in the large puddles. A couple of Spencer's dogs came running from the forest and started to chase each other around the front drive. I smiled and lifted my hood to cover my hair, which I wore down, and headed for the forest. I figured I could explore the forest and not get as wet as I would in an open field.

The forest was darker than I had expected and it took me a few stumbles before my eyes adjusted to the light. Lucan and the twins, Isabelle and Eleanor surrounded me as we ventured through the forest. Lucan barked happily as he chased a small white rabbit around the forest and Eleanor followed merrily behind him. Isabelle never strayed to far from my side and even when a mouse crossed her path she never barked.

About half way through our walk, Eleanor (a Manchester Terrier and the baby of the pack) started barking and I noticed that she was running down a path. I quickly followed her lead and walked down the narrow dirt path that wound its way through the forest. Isabelle stayed by my heel as we walked, while Lucan and Eleanor raced each other. About 15 minutes down the path we came to a clearing.

The clearing was a small open circle with neatly trimmed grass and the sound of a stream on the other side. In the middle of the clearing was a grave. I blinked at it for a second before I walked towards the head stone. It was a small head stone that once was white and now was grey. There were a group of white flowers with a blue ribbon tying them together, laying on the grass at the foot of the stone. They were wilted and destroyed from the constant rain, but the ribbon still stood bright against the green grass. I knelt down in the saturated grass and touched them gently, before I looked up and read the grave.

**Theodore Anthony spencer mcdonald**

** 1654 – 1660**

I blinked and read the name three more times before realizing that Lucan was barking at me. I looked up and noticed that it had started to pour. Lucan, Eleanor and Isabelle stood in the clearing waiting for me. I looked at the grave one more time and then walked towards the clearing, shaking.

As we got towards the house I became aware of the sound of my name being called. The dogs heard it too for they started barking and raced through the trees. I, still shaken by the unhappy truth, walked through the trees and blinked against the rain.

"There you are!" Maria shouted from the doorway. By now I was completely soaked, but I never noticed. All I could feel was sadness and as I looked into her face two hot tears rolled down my frozen cheeks. I could see nothing else but her worried face in the doorway. I became aware of a pair of warm hands touching my arms and being pushed towards the door. When I was in front of Maria she frowned at me and wrapped a wool blanket around my shoulders. I couldn't look away from those blue eyes that were studying me, asking if I was hurt. I wondered if he had her eyes, or her blonde curly hair. I wondered if he loved dogs like Spencer had or if he liked to read books.

"I was so worried about you." She said and rubbed my shoulders.

"I'm sorry." I said watching the floor so I wouldn't cry.

"It's lucky that Mr. DeSilva stopped by or else I would've forgotten all about you." She gave a quick laugh to indicate that she was joking, but I didn't hear her. At the sound of his name my breath caught in my chest and I looked up. Standing a foot in front of me was Jesse. Either I had forgotten how handsome he was, or he was more handsome soaking wet. His black hair was plastered to his head and his black tunic clung to ever muscle in his upper body.

"Are you alright?" he asked, taking a step forward. I blinked at him and then nodded, too afraid to speak.

"She's soaked to the bone." Maria said. "Come dear and get a change of clothes on." She said leading me to the door. I spotted the locked door and the tears filled my eyes again. Maria opened my bedroom door for me and gave Stewart instructions for getting Jesse warm clothes. She quietly closed the door and turned to me.

"What were you doing out there? Trying to drown?" She smirked as riffled through my clothes in the wardrobe.

"I…I was walking and never noticed the rain." I said standing by the window and watching the window cry.

"Susanna?" I blinked and looked towards her. She held out the pink dress from earlier that week. Her face held no smile and she watched me carefully. "Susanna, are you alright?" I heard the words but all of a sudden my head felt light and I could no longer feel my body.

I awoke to the bright sun pouring through the window. I blinked and tried to shield my eyes but it did nothing. The sun illuminated everything from the white blankets to the wardrobe to the dust in the air. It made everything sparkle and shine and gave me a sense of warmth and comfort.

I sighed and stretched my arms above my head and blinked at the light. There was a single pink flower on the table beside my bed along with a glass of water, cold water that had beaded on the outside of the cup. I noticed that my throat felt like sandpaper and reached for the glass of water. I gulped it furiously and sputtered when I swallowed too much.

"Drink slowly." Someone said from behind me. I turned and blinked. He smiled at me and I couldn't help but notice how white his teeth were. They were small and perfect. His grey eyes sparkled and there was a twinkle of happiness in his eye.

"Hello." I said.

"Hello." He said and blinked at me. "Are you feeling better?" he asked.

"I…I think so. Was I sick?" I asked sitting up straighter and noticing how sore my arms are.

"You were." He frowned and looked out the bright window. "They were all very worried."

"I'm sorry I worried them." I said looking at the way the light shone on his golden curls. He smiled at me and scooted closer. He sat beside me crossing his white stocking legs and pulling at the black collar on his bright blue tunic.

"Do you like staying here?" He asked me and I smiled.

"Very much."

"She likes having you here." He spoke with a tiny voice and he picked at the white blanket. I watched him, his tiny hands pick at the blanket, his gold hair curl around his face like a pillow, his thin legs, though very long for such a small boy.

"Do you miss them?" I asked, my voice raspy. He looked at my face and smiled.

"I'm never gone away from them." He said. "I just wish she wouldn't cry so much." He sighed in a child's way and studied my face. "Will you tell her?"

"Tell her what?"

"That I don't want her to cry anymore?" He looked at the window and stood up. "Please?"

"Of course." He smiled and kissed my cheek before he jumped off the bed. "Wait. How did it happen?" I asked and he froze, as he was about to climb out the window.

"It's in the past, nothing to worry about now." He said, giving me a wink and jumped out the window.

"I think she's waking up." A deep voice said and there was a fluster of movement to my right.

"Susanna?" a soft voice spoke my name and I turned my face towards it. I opened my eyes, which felt like they weighed eight tons and tried to focus. Gold curls framed a face and I closed my eyes. "Quick, get the doctor." The soft voice hissed and I tried to open my eyes again. I became aware of the smell of grass and meat. I scrunched my face and turned away. Then a hot wet tongue licked my cheek. I opened my eyes again and looked the first thing I saw were two bright eyes staring at me. I smirked, which was more difficult than I had every noticed and attempted to raise my arm. But it was stuck.

"How are you feeling?" Maria said, appearing above Lucan.

"Like Lucan has been sleeping on me." I said, my voice weak and raspy.

"He has been sleeping on you." Spencer's voice said somewhere to my left. "He hasn't left your side since you fell." I noticed that Lucan was the reason why my arm was stuck. I struggled to pull it out and he smiled and blinked at me. I patted his head and then sighed, I was suddenly exhausted.

"In here doctor." Maria said and I blinked at the ceiling. I noticed that it was dark and six candles were the only reason why there was light in the room.

"Is she alright?" a deep voice said and I blinked, trying hard to figure out whose voice it was.

"Ms. Fitzpatrick?" A small chubby man with a long nose and large black glasses peered down at me and felt my head. "How do you feel?" I smirked at this. I felt a many different things but explaining them would be difficult.

"Fine." I said and closed my eyes. "Just tired."

"Tired?" Spencer chuckled. "You've been asleep for almost a week." At this my eyes burst open.

"A week?" I said trying to sit up, but my head felt heavy and I sunk back down. Plus the doctor and Maria were pushing me back under the blankets.

"You had a bought of Scarlet Fever." The doctor explained. "Which was probably brought on by being in the rain too long." I sighed and nodded. "You've gotten through the worst of it. Just rest and drink lots of water."

"We were so worried." Maria said touching my cheek. "I was afraid that you wouldn't make it."

"But you talked in your sleep, so we knew there was hope for you." Jesse appeared at my side and smiled as he sat in the chair next to it.

"You're still here?" I spoke in more of shock than curiosity.

"He hasn't left." Maria said, giving me a knowing smile.

"I…I had to make sure you were alright." He said looking at Maria's face before back at mine. "Being our dearest friend, his Highness would've made me come back anyways." I smiled at him and Maria snorted.

"Dear, lets get Susanna something to eat. I bet she's starving." Spencer said giving me a wink. If I wasn't so tired I would've blushed but I smiled slightly and shut my eyes. When the door closed I exhaled deeply and felt Lucan's large head rest on my stomach.

"He's very protective." Jesse stated.

"I've never been in a place of harm." I said looking at the dog and patting his head. Jesse sat quietly watching him and that's when it dawned on me.

"Did he hurt you?" I asked.

"He caught my hand, when I…well it was an accident." Jesse said with a smile.

"I'm sorry." I studied his hand and saw no bandages or marks.

"It was nothing serious." He smiled. "No we are on good terms." He said patting the dog's head. Lucan licked his fingers before resting his head back on my stomach, never taking his eyes off of me. "Do you always talk in your sleep? Or is this fellow Theodore a new friend of yours?" He smiled but I could see the hint of jealousy in his eyes. I smirked at him and shook my head.

"Wouldn't you like to know." I said and closed my eyes, pretending to go back to sleep.

"You wont tell me?" He asked, his voice filled with amusement.

"No, because it is more fun to watch you be jealous then it would be if you were to find out the actual truth." I said, keeping my eyes closed despite my longing for looking into his eyes. He was quiet for a second and then I felt his hand grab mine and Lucan growled. I opened my eyes and noticed that he was leaning towards me. I patted Lucan's head and he stopped growling.

"If you weren't sick I would kiss you now." His voice and the feel of his skin set my skin on fire and I blinked at him.

"I…I…" My mouth felt dry and my heart beat so loud I bet he could hear it. The door opened and I quickly pulled my hand out of his gasping for air.

"Eliza is making you hot soup." Maria said not even blinking at our linked hands. Jesse rubbed his hand on his leg and stood up.

"I must write a note to the king. He wanted to be here, but a matter at the palace kept him there." Jesse smiled, though it did not reach his eyes. "He will be pleased with the news that you are awake. He cares for you." He said touching my arm and I smiled. "He'll never forget all that you have done for him." Jesse said and I blanked. The feel of Adam's lips on mine and his hands on my legs made my heart jump and I looked into Jesse's eyes to see if he knew. But the smile on his lips was too kind to know that I had betrayed him. I couldn't speak, so I just nodded and smiled slightly as I watched him leave the room.

"He fancies you." Maria said straightening the sheets.

"I have noticed." I said trying to hide my smile.

"But the king fancies you as well." Maria said and gave me a sly grin.

"No, the king feels indebted to me for saving his life. We are just friends." I argued despite the kiss that was shared on my birthday, I chose not to believe that Adam loved me. No I knew he didn't love me.

"Well, from where I stand you had two young, _eligible_ men waiting by your side." The way she said eligible made me laugh and she smirked as she sat on the bed, in the same spot that the child had sat. The smile fell from my face and I struggled to sit up.

"Maria?"

"Yes?"

"I…When…How did it happen?" I asked without looking at her. When her silence became too heavy I looked up. She stared at me with a shocked expression.

"I don't know what you mean." She squeaked and even though I knew that she did know I repeated myself.

"The grave…how?"

"I…You…you saw it?"

"I came across it in the woods." I said.

"You shouldn't have been there." She said with a scowl and got off the bed.

"Maria I didn't mean…"

"You shouldn't go there. It is none of your business." She opened the door, tears streaming down her face.

"He came to me." I shouted and she froze. "Theodore, he came to me." She looked at me, her face full of anger and I blinked. "He has blonde curly hair that frames his face, and bright grey eyes that slant when he smiles. And the most perfect set of white teeth I have ever seen. He wore a blue tunic that had a black collar and short sleeves, and bright white stockings. He had lots of freckles and a birth mark on his cheek. He has-"

"Stop it." She said, her hands shaking. "Stop talking about him like he is here."

"But he is here." I said. "He told me to tell you that he is always here." She shook her head and leaned against the door.

"That's impossible."

"He asked me to promise him that I would tell you." I took a deep breath. "He wishes you wouldn't cry anymore. He says he is always here with you and you needn't cry for him when he is never far away." She stared at me with pure sadness.

"You're lying to me."

"Why would I lie to you?" I ask, my head feeling heavier than usual.

"I-I can't take this." She said and left the room in a flash. I stared at the now empty spot and blinked. A movement in the window caught my eye and I looked over to see two grey eyes watching me. He blinked and looked sad, but he nodded his head and smiled before vanishing.

In the middle of the night I felt the bed sink and I rolled over and opened my eyes. The rain had stopped and the moon shone through my window. Her blue eyes were puffy and studied my face carefully.

"How did he look?" She asked me and I blinked at her, wondering what she was talking about. Then I remembered.

"Happy. Very healthy, like the perfect little boy." I gave my best smile and she chuckled.

"He wasn't perfect, but he was mine." She sighed and closed her eyes. "He was six years old, a month after his birthday. He had this tree that he loved to climb and told me that one day he would climb to the very top. I never thought anything of it, because he was always a big dreamer and still very small. One day I went out into the garden and there he was in the tree, at the very top. I panicked and shouted at him, startling him. I-" she closed her eyes tightly and took a shaky breath. "I scared him and he slipped. His hand let go of the branch and he…he…" I blinked back tears and grabbed onto her hand. "He was so brave and smart, and he could make Spencer and I laugh until we were in tears. But that day…I stayed in bed for weeks, without eating or drinking anything and Spencer," She took short breaths. "He went out and spent the entire day cutting that tree to pieces and burning it in the yard. The two of us…we will never be the same."

"He would 13." I said, thinking back to the bundle of flowers. She opened her eyes and smiled.

"Every year I add an extra daisy to the bouquet, which I imagine you found." I smiled and she squeezed my hand. "He used to pick them for me and put them in my hair. _Momma, you are the prettiest princess of all_, he would say." Tears streamed down her face. "What I would give to have him tell me that one more time." I felt a hand on my arm and turned to look. Theodore smiled at me and nodded. Then he disappeared and reappeared on his mother's side. He kissed her cheek and touched her head. She took a deep breath and the tears stopped. He smiled at me, held a finger to his lips and disappeared.

"I'm sorry." I whispered and she looked at me. A small smile appeared on her face and she shook her head.

"I'm glad you are here Susanna. It may seem silly but I feel like I have a special kinship with you that I can not share with anyone else." I smiled and nodded in agreement. "Telling you was hard, but it has made me feel so much better. Thank you." She said and bent her head towards mine. I smiled and closed my eyes. This woman had offered up her darkest secret to me. She was no longer a distant friend, but more like a sister. As we drifted off to sleep I wished that one day I could make this pain go away, that one day I would be able to confide in her the way she confided in me.


	19. Kissing a Thief

Today was my first day where I was allowed to sit outside. After keeping me in bed for three days I finally got restless and wanted out of that room. I needed fresh air, no matter how wide Maria opened the windows. So today, after begging her to let me out Spencer finally agreed with me and carried me outside. Maria wrapped a warm, red rob that had three buttons on my chest and flowed open at my elbows. around my white dressing gown and covered me with a dark green blanket. She set pillows behind my head and put my feet up on a small stool. She left me on the patio with my face up to the sun. It felt like years since I had felt it's kiss.

Lucan laid by my side and watched the other dogs run around the yard. Edward (an Airedale terrier) and Anne (a Sussex Spaniel) were chasing each other, Edward carrying a large stick. Lucan whined unhappily and grunted.

"Well go on then. You don't need to stay here." I said and he looked up at me before dashing out to join in the fun.

"They grow up so fast." Jesse said, sitting in the seat beside me. I smiled and looked back towards the dogs, so that I wouldn't blush or shake profusely. "You enjoy having him don't you?"

"Very much. He's like my…baby." I said blushing. I could feel Jesse watching me as I stared at Lucan. He looked at the dogs and sat back.

"So the McDonald's are having a party I hear." He said and I smiled at him.

"It's going to be quite the celebration."

"The king is planning on attending." He said and I nodded. He watched me, searching for a reaction.

"Jesse?" I asked and he smiled. "Why do you always bring him up?"

"I'm sorry?" He said leaning forward.

"You never have a conversation, with me at least, without mentioning the King once." He looked at me for a moment, blinking in the harsh light and then shrugged and looked towards the dogs.

"I guess it is because he is like a brother to me. He's the only thing that is consistent in my life." He frowned and scratched at his arm. Then he smiled. "Plus, he wants me to keep an eye on you."

"Why is that?" I asked with a pretend smile.

"Because you saved his life. He will always be indebted to you." He said with a smile and I nodded. I put my head back and raised my face to the sun. Somehow I knew it wasn't for that reason. Somehow I knew that there was more to the King than what Jesse thought.

Behind me there was a commotion and the three dogs ran barking into the house. I sat up and let my feet fall to the ground. They were still weak but I was able to walk.

"What is it?" I asked looking at Jesse and he shrugged. I placed my hands on either side of the chair and lifted myself out of it. Jesse held my arms, steadying me and then slipped his arm around my waist. I jumped at his touch and tried to move away but I almost fell. So together we walked into the house to see what was going on.

"You are growing so tall." Maria said and I could almost picture the tears in her eyes, which everyone would mistake for happiness.

"I'm afraid I have not grown since the last time I saw you. But thank you." As we approached the doorway we saw three travelers had arrived. There was a tall man, wearing a long black trench coat and a top hat. When he took his hat off, I knew it was Stewart and I smiled. The man who stood next to him was about a inch taller. He had a head full of jet black hair and dark brown eyes. His skin was darker too, not tanned but not pasty white like mine.

"Susanna!" A high voice shrieked and suddenly two thin arms were around my waist holding me tightly.

"Jane?" I asked pulling the girl off of me. Jesse, without making it obvious, held me up. When I saw her bright green eyes I smiled and hugged her again. "How are you?"

"I'm well, Susanna." She said with a bright smile. "This is my…fiancé James." I smiled with raised eyebrows and she held out her hand to me. A small silver ring, with a rose carved into it, was around her finger. "What are you doing here? Are you working here now?" She asked taking in my dressing gown and robe.

"Susanna! Work here! Nonsense." Maria laughed in a high pitch laugh. She took Jesse's spot and wrapped an arm around me. "She is my husband's niece." I blanked as Jane looked at me. I smiled but didn't realize I was doing it. Why had she said this? Jane knew that I was of no royal blood, so why lie to her. I looked at Jesse but he too looked just as shocked as I.

"Oh…I…well I just assumed since you worked in the palace."

"She wanted to get a taste of life at court from a peasants perspective." Maria said and I cringed. Jane's bright eyes went cold and she raised her nose in the air.

"That explains why you left so abruptly." She said and I felt my mouth go dry.

"My hu-husband died." I said and she acted like she never heard me. Actually it was as if no one heard me for Maria laughed loudly and then ushered us everyone into the parlor.

"I'm just going to help Susanna get dressed, for she had the worst cold just days ago." She excused us and led me down the hall. Jesse smirked at me as I passed by and I gave him a look that begged him to save me. He just stood and watched as I was dragged down the hallway. When Maria gently shut the door I found my voice.

"What the _hell_ was that!" I snapped and she jumped.

"Shh…keep your voice down." She said running to the windows and shutting them.

"Why did you tell her that?" I asked as I watched her flutter around the room.

"I-I didn't like the way she looked at you." She said and I blinked at her.

"What?"

"She looked at you like you were beneath her." I could not see her face as she picked out a dress for me to wear but I knew she was biting her bottom lip, an action she did when she lied.

"Why did you tell her that Maria?" I asked again, this time standing straighter. She turned and faced me, her teeth digging into her bottom lip.

"I had to." She said placing the white dress on the bed.

"Why?" I asked and she went back to the wardrobe to grab stockings and shoes. She looked at me expectantly and when I didn't budge she sighed.

"I can't tell you but I was asked to take you into my family."

"So you are only being nice because someone asked you too?"

"No of course not! Susanna I love you like a sister. But I…I'm only looking out for your best interest." She sighed and brushed a black curl away from my face. "This little false hood will only help you in the future."

"I…I still don't understand."

"You will dear. It will all make sense in the months to come." She smiled and touched my cheek. "You're very pale. Are you feeling alright?"

"Yes." I lied. I felt frozen and my hands were clammy, my head felt like it weighed the equivalent to a house, but I would not let her know that.

"Are you angry with me?" She asked looking worried.

"No, I just hate surprises." I said and she smiled.

"Well then you are in for the worst time of your life." She said, giving me a wink and left the room. I stood frozen in my spot wondering what that meant. I was never one who liked surprises because I was always afraid that I would never respond to the situation the right way. Like for instance I would cry if someone jumped out at me, or laugh when someone tried to hurt me. As I undressed all I could imagine was that something bad was coming my way.

After I shut the door I started off down the hall. I pulled the warm blue shawl over my shoulders. I checked my dress before in entered the noisy parlor. It was a light dress, one that didn't require a corset. It had short sleeves and a u-shaped curve to the neck with white flowers stitched onto the fabric. It flowed out around me and it allowed me to not worry about if my bloated stomach made me look pregnant.

I took a deep breath and carefully walked into the room. Everyone was looking at James as he told a story. As he smiled to his audience I realized why Jane had fallen in love with him. He had the brightest eyes I've ever seen and his smile, though anything but perfect, always reached his eyes and was contagious. He stood proud, without the slightest bit of awkwardness and when he looked at her, it was like there was no one else in the world but her. I smiled and leaned against the door, mostly because my legs were shaking, and watched him.

"And then she turned around and smacked me in the face with a iron pan." He said and Jane covered her face to hide her blush. Everyone erupted in laughter.

"What happened next?" Maria asked sitting up straighter.

"Well I don't really remember. All I remember is opening my eyes three hours later and seeing the most beautiful face in the whole world." He said and looked down at Jane. This time she didn't move to hide her blush and they never noticed the awkward silence that filled the room.

"Susanna!" Maria said, jumping from her seat and taking my arm. "How are you feeling?" she whispered and I gave her a look, letting her know I was still annoyed. She smirked at me and wrapped her arm around her shoulders. "James was just telling us how he met Jane." She said and I smiled at Jane. She scowled back and stood up.

"There is nothing more to the story." She said with a shrug and linked her arms through James'.

"Oh, well then…lets eat." Maria said, taking a step back as if she had be struck. Spencer held out his arm to Maria and they led everyone to the dinning room. I waited until Jane passed by before I followed them. A warm hand touched my back and I jumped.

"It seems like she doesn't like you." Jesse whispered in my ear. I smirked and tried to ignore the goose bumps on my neck.

"It would seem that way." I whispered back.

"She was always the annoying one anyway." He said and I bit back a laugh.

The dinning room looked completely different tonight, then it did on the other nights. Tonight the fireplace in the rear wall was lit and white tablecloth covered the table. A tall vase stood in the center of the table and held a bouquet of wild flowers that had been recently picked. Spencer sat at the head of the table with his back to the fire and Maria sat at the other end closest to the door. I sat on her right with Jesse beside me and James, Jane and Stewart sat on the opposite side, Stewart sitting at Spencer's right. Eliza carried in the hot plates of food along with another girl who looked very young and had similar features to Eliza.

"It's her sister, Lisa." Maria whispered and I stopped watching the girl and took a sip of wine from my goblet. "So Jane, Susanna says you two were great friends." I choked and Jesse smirked into his own drink.

"We…we never really talked very much, but we got along alright." She said eyeing me suspiciously. Sitting directly across from me it was hard to look at anything but her curious eyes.

"I meant that we got along well, but like Jane said, we never really associated. Jane was closer to another girl at the palace." I said and Maria nodded and picked at her food with her fork. "How is Daisy?" I asked and Maria coughed.

"My my Susanna. You really are something. Getting to know all of the paid staff…simply remarkable." She said with a fake laugh and I stared at her with utter shock. I could feel Jane's heated gaze burning a hole in my cheek.

"I…I…"

"It's alright dear, nothing to be ashamed of." She said patting my hand and looking towards Spencer. There was a flicker of shame in her eyes but she smiled and tried to join in Spencer and Stewart's conversation. I looked towards Jane, but she stared at her plate as if she was unworthy of eating it. I too could not eat the food on my plate and instead moved it around to create the illusion of eaten food.

"Are you alright?" Jesse whispered, his shoulder touching mine as he leaned towards me.

"I…I think I might be sick." I whispered louder than I wanted to. Everyone seemed to hear me and turned to look at me. I stood up and grasped onto the table.

"I just need some fresh air. Jane, will you help me?" I asked, and trying to set of good impression she reluctantly jumped up to help me.

"Here I'll come too." Maria said and I shook my head.

"I'll be alright. I need to save my dignity." I said with a smile. She gave me a worried look and the nodded. Jane wrapped her arm around my waist and we walked out of the dinning room.

Once outside on the back patio she let go of me and walked ahead a few paces. The sun was setting and the air was cool. She pulled her pink shawl tighter onto her shoulders and stared at the matching pink sky.

"I'm sorry Jane." I said leaning against the stonewall. She gave a sarcastic snort and the fabric tightened across her shoulders. "I swear it I am. I don't know why she is treating you that way."

"I don't know why you wanted to work there?" She turned around and spat at me, with tears in her eyes. "If you had the choice then why did you chose it?"

"I didn't. The king requested my assistance." I said and she rolled her eyes. "I was just doing my civic duty."

"The king never requests people Susanna. Especially not anyone who comes from money."

"But I don't-"

"Just…don't lie to me anymore." She said holding up a hand. "Why did you let me believe you were my friend?" She asked pure hurt poring from her body. I blinked at her and tried to remember if I had ever told her that. When we worked together I could barely stand her. Her laugh made me cringe and the way she threw herself at men made my stomach churn. But there was the time when she had bled and I had offered to do her chores for her so she could rest. Or the time where she got sick and I sat by her bed and cooled her skin with a wet rag. Maybe she mistook those actions of kindness for friendship.

"I never…Jane I never meant to hurt you. I was excited to hear that you were coming to visit." I said and she looked at me. I smiled and she sighed. "I feel like I have been away from everyone for so long…I need my family." Like it or not, the people at the castle had started to feel like family and I was just realizing that I missed them a lot. "You, all of you are in a way my family and I would never intentionally hurt you." She studied my face for a moment and then smirked.

"Well you'll never get the chance to get rid of me now." She said and wrapped her arms around me. "Calling me family! How can I ever be mad now?" She chuckled into my hair and I held onto her tightly.

"So you're not mad at me?"

"No." She sighed and wiped the tears from her face. "Besides how can I be made at a bridesmaid?"

"Bridesmaid?" I asked looking at her. "You mean you want me to…?"

"You called me family! How can I not ask you?" She smirked and I laughed.

"I'm going to regret that aren't I?"

"Especially when you will never be able to get rid of me." She laughed and linked her arms through mine as we walked back into the house. Everyone looked at us with worried expressions.

"Fresh air was just the thing!" I said with a smile and Jane smirked as she sat in her seat. "I'm starving."

"Oh, we thought…I can get Eliza to bring your food back." Maria said jumping up.

"No it's ok. I'll just have some tea. It's better for my stomach anyways. Besides there is a wedding coming up that I have to look my best for." I said and Jane grinned at me.

The grinning young couple left late that evening, after too many glasses of whiskey and too many stories of the castle and Spencer's youth. Jesse's bed was made up on the parlor sofa and Maria and Spencer kissed me goodnight at my bedroom door. But as I lay tossing and turning in bed, my growling stomach would not let me sleep. Finally I pushed back the covers disturbing the sleeping giant at the foot of my bed and lit a candle beside my bed. Lucan didn't even stir when I opened the door and left the room, which I silently thanked god for. I tiptoed very quietly down the hallway, pausing outside Maria and Spencer's room before continuing to the kitchen.

The kitchen was dark but the coal in the fire were warm and the large iron pot that sat above those coals still held the soup served at dinner time. I grabbed a wooden bowl and spoon and dipped it into the soup, which was almost cold. I grabbed two pieces of bread and sat at the wooden table in the middle of the room. It was used for cutting vegetables and it was wear the staff ate their dinner and where I would eat my midnight snacks.

This wasn't the first time I had snuck out of my room to eat something. The first time had been the night before I got sick, when I had skipped dinner after eating too many sweets throughout the day. The second time was the night after I woke up from my sickness. I was so hungry that I finished off the leftovers from dinner and if we had more staff someone would have been punished. Tonight I sat quietly eating my soup and listening to the soft sounds of Eliza's snoring on the other side of the curtain that hung beside the stove.

When I was done I placed the dirty bowl in the sink and grabbed another two pieces of bread before I closed the door behind me. With one piece in my mouth, the other in my right hand and the candle in my left, I struggled to close the door. When I did it without a sound I felt proud and turned and ran smack into a hard chest. I jumped back and hit the door so loud I thought all of England would wake up.

"Shh…" Jesse hissed and we froze. For two minutes we barely breathed and the bread in my mouth was going soggy. Finally he let out a breath and I relaxed.

"You shouldn't sneak up on a girl like that!" I hissed. "I would've screamed if…"

"If you hadn't had a huge chunk of bread in your mouth?" He teased and I scowled at him.

"I was hungry."

"I gathered that." He said looking at the other piece in my hand. "So you're the thief?"

"Thief?" I said looking shocked. "I am hardly a thief. I have never stolen anything in my life." When he raised his eyebrow at me I stopped and smiled. "Alright you caught me! So what next? Are you going to hand me over to the king so my hands will be cut off, just because a starving girl wanted some bread?"  
"People have lost their hands for less than that." He said with a sad expression. Then he smiled. "You should've eaten your food."

"I wasn't feeling well." I said trying to move past him but he stood in front of me.

"You seem to be fine now."

"Yes well…" Trying to get back to my room distracted me from what I was saying and he wouldn't move out of the way. "Are you going to stand here the whole night?" I asked frustrated.

"Come outside with me."

"Are you kidding it's freezing and dark." I said.

"Well we can't talk here." He said looking at Maria's door, which was slightly to our left. I looked down the hallway and noticed the dark hole my open door made.

"Don't get any ideas…" I said, raising my eyebrows at him and walking to my room. I noticed that he hesitated before he followed me. Lucan looked up with sleepy eyes as we entered the room but then put his head back down as if it was nothing out of the normal for a man to enter a woman's room. I thought it was unusual for Maria and Spencer to share a room, but to have Jesse in my room made my skin tingle. "They can't hear us in here."

"This is nice." He said and I shook my head as I closed the door and lit another candle. "Soft. He said as he sat on the bed. He felt the sheets and the stretched back and laid down on the bed.

"What are you doing?" I asked, realizing that I was in nothing but my white night gown and he was in a white shirt and black tights.

"Getting comfortable."

"Don't." He smirked at me but never budged.

"Come, sit." He said patting the bed beside him. I looked at the mark that he made on the sheet and froze. "Come on Susanna. I'm not going to bite you."

"It's not biting that I'm afraid of." I spoke without realizing that I had. He looked at me for a moment and then smiled.

"I promise I wont touch you, unless you want me to." He said and I shook my head. It was enough for me to move forward.

"That wont happen." I lied, because already I wanted him to kiss me. I took a deep breath and climbed onto the bed beside him. I laid down, but had to bend my knees because Lucan was in the way. I nudged him three times before he groaned and got off the bed. We watched silently as he staged towards the door and slumped down against it. "Good luck getting out." I said and he smiled.

"I wasn't planning on leaving." He said and then chuckled at my face. "Relax Susanna. I do have some self control."

"It's hard for me." I said, feeling like I needed to defend myself. "I've only had one man love me before. It's unsettling when another man love me as well."

"I'm sure that more than one man has loved you." He said staring at the roof with a smile.

"You never denied it." I said and he looked at me confused.  
"Denied what?"

"That you love me." I smirked triumphantly. "I said it's hard when another man loves me and you never denied that you loved me."

"What? How would I know you were talking about me?"

"Because you said you had self control. Honestly Jesse an ass could understand…actually maybe not." I said and grinned at my whit. He smirked at me and then lunged for me, catching me at my ribs and tickling me.

"Stop! Stop!" I said between gasps of laughter.

"You deserve it!" He chuckled.

"You…Promised." I said and rolled off the bed. I knelt beside the bed and breathed heavily. He smirked at me.

"You think you are so smart."

"I am smart." I said and he laughed and that's when I became aware that his face was inches from mine and it was like I could think of nothing else. I stared at his lips that shone in the light and it felt like I was being drawn towards them. I moved closer to him to the point where our foreheads touched and I could feel his breath on my lips.

"Kiss me." I whispered and he smirked.

"I promised." He said and somewhere in my mind I groaned but my reaction was to touch my lips to his. They were soft and warm as I remembered. As like in my memory my whole body was instantly on fire. The kiss was soft, slow and gentle. But then something sparked and I climbed up onto the bed and climbed onto his lap. I ran my fingers through his hair and felt the warmth of his hands on my back, my sides my cheeks. As his lips traveled to my neck my body convulsed and I vaguely remembered what making love to Andrew had felt like. His hands touched the bare skin on my thighs and I shivered. I pulled his lips back to mine pushed myself closer to him. I could feel his hard groin against me as I moved and I smirked against his lips. As his hands touched my bottom I froze. His lips moved against mine as if nothing had happened, but I couldn't return the kiss. I pulled back and he let go of me.

"What?" He asked, his lips red and swollen.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"We're not married." I said, coming up with the only good enough reason to stop.

"We could be."

"We are…what?" I asked climbing off of his lap and kneeling on the bed beside him.

"We could get married Susanna."

"We…I'm a widow." I said looking around the room for some sense.

"Your young. People expect you to marry again."

"I can't…"

"But you can. You must know that I love you." He said and touched my face gently.

"You love me?"

"Like you said, I never denied it." He smiled slightly and gently kissed my lips.

"I…But…you love me?" I smiled this time and he shook his head.

"Out of all that _that_ is all you can say?" He smiled and kissed me again. I knelt up, pushing my body against him and wrapped my arms around his strong shoulders.

"So will you marry me?" He asked, breaking the kiss.

"I...Of course I will." I said smiling at him and kissing him again.

We did not make love that night, but laid in each other's arms instead. His hand stroked my back as I rested my head on his chest as we talked for hours about our future. We fell asleep just as the sun was rising and Lucan's bark woke us a few hours later. Jesse kissed my head and I smiled up at him. Lucan barked and wagged his tail staring at the door. Then we heard it. A knock. It was soft, but we heard it. Jesse froze and I sat up.

"Coming." I said and looked around the room frantically. If it was Maria, she would come in and hiding Jesse would be a problem. I looked at the window, which shone brightly against the sun.

"Ok." He whispered and opened the window. He kissed me deeply before he climbed out.

"When will we tell everyone?"

"Soon…I have to ask your father first." He said and I rolled my eyes. I watched him dash into the trees and quickly shut the window. I grabbed the red robe and brushed my hair back before I opened the door. Maria stood on the other side and gave me a bright smile.

"You wouldn't happen to know where Jesse is would you?" She asked looking into the room. I blushed at the messy sheets and coughed.

"No, I just woke up. Why would I know where he was—is?" I said and she smirked at me.

"Just wondering." She touched my face, her eyes lingering on my lips. "Did you sleep all right last night? You look tired." She winked and walked away, leaving me with a huge grin on my face. The one thing that I had dreamed about since I was twelve was coming true. Nothing in the world could make me fell anything but happy for the rest of my life.


	20. Spencer's Party

The party approached faster in the next week and maybe it was because my attention was elsewhere. For the days after he proposed I had thought of nothing but Jesse. Every time I saw him I would smile and when I was alone he would sneak up and kiss me, or hold my hand under the table. And during all that we were supposed to keep Spencer's party a secret.

Maria started showing signs of stress three days before the party. She would disappear for hours taking trips to town or walking locking herself in her room. Spencer never paid any attention. He just went on his hunts or wrote in his journals. The night before the wedding Maria knocked on my door. Expecting it to be Jesse I tousled my hair and bit my lip.

"Maria!" I said and the smile fell. "What's wrong?" She pushed past me and told me to shut the door.

"I'm going out of my mind Susanna." She said and tears leaked from her eyes.

"What's wrong?" I sad sitting beside her on the bed and offering my shoulder.

"I have so much to do tomorrow and still have no idea how to get Spencer out of the house."

"I…we…What about a hunting trip?"

"He's gone three times this week. He wont go again…unless…" She sat up and looked at me.

"Unless what?" I asked feeling uncomfortable by her instant smile.

"You could ask him."

"Ask him to what?"

"He adores you so he would say yes and I don't think he would think anything of it." She said standing up and pacing in front of me.

"What are you talking about?"  
"Of course you would need to think of a good reason." She frowned as she paced and I grabbed her hand.

"Maria, what are you talking about?"

"I want you to ask Spencer to take you hunting in the morning." She said.

"Hunting?" I said studying her face and then I laughed. "Maria, women don't hunt."

"Women don't sleep with dogs, the four legged kind of course, but you do." I looked at Lucan sprawled on his back beside me.

"Sorry about that… I tried." I said and she shook her head.

"I need you to ask him."

"But what do I say?" I said and she smiled as if I had said yes.

"Tell him that you need to learn how to protect yourself. Because you live at home by yourself don't you?" Not for long, I thought and then shook my head.

"My brother is there. He does all the hunting."

"Well don't tell him that. Tell him that you are tired of having to go into town to get your meat. He'll believe that." She said and opened the door.

"But…but…"

"Thank you so much Susanna." She said and left the room, nearly walking into Jesse who just jumped into the shadows to avoid being seen. I left the door open and quickly shut it when he dashed in. He jumped onto the bed and gave Lucan a pat on the chest before he turned to me. He grabbed my waist and pulled me towards him, kissing my neck.

"Good thing I waited an extra three minutes or I would've been caught."

"Yes well…she surprised me too." I said struggling to think of anything but his lips on my neck and his hands touching my legs.

"What did she want?"

"She wants me to distract Spencer." I said and he stopped moving. He looked up at me and I burst out laughing. "Not like that!" I said and he shrugged.

"Given the current situation, can you blame a poor fool for misunderstanding you?"

"I suppose I should explain things in simpler terms for you. She wants me to take him hunting."

"But you don't know how to hunt." He said his lips moving my nightgown apart to reveal more of my chest.

"Yes and that's why she thought I would be the perfect distraction." I said and he groaned.

"You are a distraction that's for sure." He said his mouth almost at my breast. I pushed him away playfully and straightened my nightgown.

"I'm going to give you the same answer that I gave you last night and the night before." I smirked at him and he shrugged.

"A fellow ought to try." He said kissing me softly before climbing into the bed. I laid my head down on his chest and drifted off to sleep thinking of the next morning's events.

I awoke to the sound of a knock on the door. I blinked at the dull light and rolled over. Lucan stood at the door wagging his tail. I needed to teach him to open doors so I wouldn't have to get out of bed. I stumbled to the door and opened it. Maria stood holding clothes out to me.

"What are they?" I asked taking them.

"Hunting clothes." She said smiling brightly. "You'll look brilliant in them."

"Their men's hunting clothes." I said feeling the trousers.

"Women don't hunt Susanna." She smiled. "Now when he gets back send Isabelle to me. I'll meet him at the front of the house so you can go in and change without being seen. I'll give him the surprise, but unfortunately you will miss it."

"That's alright." I said rubbing my face.

"Promise you wont say anything."

"I promise." I blinked at her and she kissed my cheek.

"He'll be ready in 10 minutes. Will that give you enough time?" She asked and I nodded. "Thank you!" She kissed me again and disappeared down the hallway.

"That was close." Jesse said causing me to jump.

"You're still here?" I said and smirked as he stood up from lying on the floor beside my bed.

"I fell asleep too. You have to wear these?" He asked standing beside me.

"I don't even know where to start." I said laying the close out like I would one of my dresses."

"Want me to help you? He said brushing back my hair and kissing my neck.

"No get out of here!" I said and swatted him as he pinched me. I kissed him goodbye and watched him run through the forest before I tackled the clothes. There was soft brown trousers that were tight and warm, a long white shirt and a black vest. The white shirt stuck out of the vest and no matter which way I put it on, the shirt could be seen. I put on the black boots and tied my hair into a long braid. I looked at myself in the mirror and sighed. The clothes were my size but I felt like I was trying to be something I was not. Even Lucan looked at me funny, as if he were laughing at me.

I opened the door and walked down the hallway trying to hide how revealing these trousers made me feel. They clung to ever curve to the lower half of my body and the shirt kept drooping down to reveal more cleavage than any of my dresses. Maria caught sight of my and chuckled.

"You're supposed to tie this up." She said grabbing the strings at the front of the shirt and tying them.

"I hope you appreciate this!" I groaned and she smirked as she fixed my clothes. Spencer and Jesse came through the door just as she was finishing and my cheek heated up.

"Ready?" He asked and Jesse winked at me.

"I guess so." I said looking at Maria.

"Great, Jesse has agreed to go with us." Spencer said with a bright smile. I silently groaned and scowled at him.

"Great." I snapped and headed out the door.

"So what would be the first thing to teach you?" Spencer said as we started off across grass to the forest. "I guess it would be to never shoot when you are close to a house, for you might accidentally shoot someone."

"Of course." I said and he smiled. "But how do you know where a good spot is?"

"Normally I walk for 30 minutes in that direction." He said pointing through the trees.

"How do you know which way you are going?" Jesse said dodging a branch.

"I don't…the dogs do though. They are my way home too." He said giving me a wink and I smiled.

An hour later Jesse and Spencer were teaching me how to hold the gun. Not how to shoot it, how to _hold _it!

"You have to raise you're arm like this Susanna." Jesse said.

"And use this eye to aim. Look through here." Spencer said.

"Why are you shaking? Cold?" Jesse asked.

"It's probably too heavy for her. There's a reason why women don't hunt." At that I pulled the trigger and a loud shot broke the silence. I fell backwards into Jesse's chest and the two of them stood silently.

"Well did I do it right?" I asked looking at them, trying to ignore my shaking hands and ringing ear. They looked up ahead of me and neither one spoke. Lucan barked happily and picked something up before he raced back to me. "I shot something?" I said happily as the white animal flopped in Lucan's mouth. When he placed it at my feet I cringed.

There in the bright green grass was a big white fat rabbit. And in the middle of it's forehead was a large whole dripping blood. Jesse patted Lucan's head and the two of them bent down to the rabbit.

"Poor thing." I said, touching it's fur gently. Spencer and Jesse exchanged a look before they looked at me. "What?"

"You shot a rabbit in the head!" Jesse said.

"Is that bad?" I asked.

"No, that's excellent. Amazing for your first try. Are you sure you have never done this before?" Spencer said and I couldn't help but smile.

"Never. I had three brothers so I was never needed to hunt."

"I'd be careful if I were you son. She's a sharp shooter." Spencer said to Jesse and he smirked. Apparently our love was no longer a secret.

"I'll keep one eye open when I sleep from now on." Jesse joked and I shook my head.

"What do we do with it?" I asked looking at the bunny. Lucan barked and his mouth drooled. "No we cant…."

"Yes now we eat it." Spencer said reaching into his rucksack and pulling out a small iron pot.

"We eat it here?" Jesse asked.

"Might as well give Maria extra time to get everything ready." Spencer said taking a knife out of his bag and picking up the rabbit. Jesse and I exchanged glances and I swallowed.

"Get what ready?" I said.

"I know about the party. Heck I've known about it for months now." He said and laughed at our expressions. "That woman is about as subtle as a black horse in the snow." We laughed and I avoided looking as Spencer skinned the rabbit. The smell of the iron in the blood turned my stomach and I had to get away.

"I'm going to look for firewood." I said, standing up and wiping my palms on my legs. It felt like they were stained with the blood of this animal.

"I'll come with you." Jesse said.

"No, I can find firewood. Come on Lucan." I said and headed for the woods. I heard Spencer mumble something to Jesse and then they both erupted in laughter, but I didn't worry about it. I was just trying to get as far away as possible. When I could no longer see or hear the two of them I grabbed hold of a tree and vomited. I would never go hunting again!

"You have to pretend that you still don't know!" I said as we came through the trees and the house appeared. I had sent Isabelle off already and Maria was coming out from the front door. She had a huge smile on her face and she wore her best dress. It was a soft green colour with gold edges. Her blonde hair was in a loose bun and had a golden headband with tiny green emeralds in it. She really wasn't very subtle. I shook my head and Jesse snorted.

"You're back." She said embracing her husband.

"You act like I've been off at war." Spencer chuckled and her face fell.

"Don't joke about war. You know with everything going on there could be a war." She said.

"What?" I said looking from face to face.

"It's nothing." Jesse said with a shrug.

"Yes I wouldn't worry about it Susanna. Just some trouble with the French…again." Spencer chuckled and Maria linked her arm through his.

"Dear breakfast is being served in the garden this morning." She said smiling at me.

"We already ate." Spencer said and her smile dropped.

"Oh, I…well come out and sit with me anyways." She said and led him through the front door. "We'll meet you out there." She said as I opened my bedroom door. I smiled and nodded and then disappeared inside.

A dress was already laid out for me, but it wasn't one that I had brought with me. It was new. I touched it gently and noticed that it was the same fabric as the blue dress the king had given me, though different in everyway. The dress was heavier, with a white bodice and sleeves that had teal flowers, vines and leaves stitched onto it. The skirt was also white with the teal flower pattern, but had a silk teal overskirt that never fully connected at my navel to show the white skirt underneath. The puffy shoulders were made of the same material and the neckline was square, just slightly off my shoulders with white lace trim. I would not have been able to put the dress on if Eliza's sister Lisa hadn't knocked on the door. She helped tie the dress, barely speaking a word. When she was done she bowed and left the room. I blinked at the spot where she had just stood and wondered if that actually just happened.

Since putting my hair up required someone else to do it for me, I left my hair down. I pinned it up half way and let the curls lie against my back. I looked at myself in the mirror and pinched my cheeks. I ran my hands over the beautiful dress and then left the room. There was laughter and music coming through the back door and I instantly smiled, imagining Maria's happy face.

I walked out the door onto the stone patio and took in the hundred guests that were present. There were people all over the place that I wondered if the garden was even big enough to hold this many people. I smiled at an older couple who were gossiping about someone and made my way to get a drink.

"He was so surprised." Maria said linking her arm through mine. "Thank you." I smiled at her.

"It was my pleasure." We looked around at the guests and I smiled. "There are a lot of people here."

"Being the Duke and Duchess requires us to invite almost everyone of nobility." She said as she nodded to a man who walked by. "It's exhausting." I laughed.

"Why did you throw such a formal party then?"

"It's expected of me." She said and when I shook my head with confusion she smiled. "When you marry into the courts you will understand." I smiled at her and glanced at Jesse who was talking with the king's cousin, Paul. I wasn't sure if he had told, but Maria's comment made it obvious that she knew something.

"Did he tell you?" I whispered furiously and she stared at me with a shocked expression.

"Did he tell _you_?" she asked. I shook my head and smiled.

"We talked about it."

"So you know already?" She said with stunned expression. Then she smiled and kissed my cheek. "Well I will pretend that I know nothing so you can tell me when he officially asks you." She said and floated away. I stared at her with wonder. She so easily could join a conversation without seeming rude or disruptive. People naturally loved her and wanted to talk to her.

"She's something don't you think?" a deep voice whispered in my ear and made my knees shake.

"Your Highness!" I said and bowed low to the ground. He chuckled and grabbed my hand and gave it a light kiss.

"How are you liking your stay here?" He said looking up at the stone house.

"I love it. It is different then home though." I said and he nodded.

"And the party?"

"It's…interesting. I see how much work it takes to plan one of these parties. Maria has been stressed out for days." He smiled and took a sip from the goblet in his hand.

"Could you get used to this?" He asked looking around the garden.

"Get used to what?"

"This." He said his hand roaming over the garden.

"I…I imagine so." I said and felt my stomach flutter. Jesse must have told a lot of people, but I was afraid to say anything in case people were just speculating. A older man and woman passed us and smiled brightly bowing to the king. He smiled and nodded his head, and I copied him. Then I became aware of how many people were looking at us; how many were all muttering my name and the king's in one sentence. I blushed furiously and turned towards the wine bottles. I poured myself a full glass and took a big sip. Adam laughed and moved closer to me.

"Be careful, these people are vicious." He said and I smiled. "Jess!" I turned around and noticed that Jesse now stood next to me. He smiled brightly at his friend and the two shook hands. "You've been gone for so long I almost forgot how ugly you are." Adam said and Jesse laughed.

"You've gotten fatter. Stress eating again?" At this Adam's smile faltered and he looked out over the garden. "What is it? Has something happened?" Jesse asked moving closer and speaking so low I could barely hear him.

"Let's not ruin such a good party with talk of war." Adam said and smiled at me. Jesse studied his friends expression and not satisfied with what Adam had said turned to me.

"Susanna," his hand touched my lower back. "Would you mind excusing us for a moment?"

"No, of course not." I smiled and curtsied again to Adam and smiled at Jesse before I made my way through the garden. I found Jane and James sitting on a bench under a tree. They were watching everyone with a nervous expression. They both smiled brightly when they saw me. "Hello."

"Susanna!" Jane said and jumped up to hug me. "Thank goodness you came over here."

"Why?"

"Because she's too afraid to talk to anyone." James said kissing my cheek. I laughed.

"That's silly."

"All my life I have been told to serve and not talk, and here I'm not allowed to serve and have to talk. So I've forced James to sit with me." She said and looked up at her future husband who rolled his eyes.

"Well I'll sit with her now James. You can go and mingle with the guests if you chose." We shared a smile and I sat on the bench beside Jane.

"He's truly wonderful." She gushed and I smiled.

"His love for you is very clear." I said and she blushed. "So where will you live?"

"We are not sure yet." She said looking down at the pink flowers on her summer dress. The fabric was faded and I could tell she was self conscious about it. I smiled and patted her hand and she looked up with tears in her eyes. "What is it Jane?"

"I…I…I don't know. I'm so emotional these days." She said pulling a handkerchief from her sleeve. I wrapped an arm around her shoulder and her rested her head.

"It'll be alright. I'm sure you'll find a lovely place to live."

"I have a confession." She said and sat up straight. She stared at the handkerchief in her hands and tears poured down her face. "I'm with child." I blinked at her and couldn't speak. But after a moment I sighed and grabbed her hand.

"Is that why you are getting married?"

"No, but now we have to rush to get married." She sobbed. "It's going to be in three weeks. I can't have the wedding I've always dreamed about now."

"Sure you can…just have it in three weeks." I said trying to be optimistic. But the reality is that the amount of money it takes to get married would be impossible to raise in three weeks. "I'm still coming to your wedding." I said and she looked up at my brightly. "I wouldn't miss it." She sobbed and hugged me tightly. When she let go I smiled.

"A baby! That's so exciting." I said ands she smiled.

"James is more excited than I am." She wiped the tears away and blew her nose.

"I'll bet it's a girl." I said smiling. "I remember my mother saying that girls are more trouble then boys and you can always tell by how much the mother cries when carrying the child. It prepares her for the heartache in later years." I said and we both chuckled.

"You think it would be the other way around." Adam said appearing in front of me. Jane and I bowed our heads and he copied us.

"I'm sorry Jane, but I must steal Susanna away. There are some people I want you to meet."

"I can't leave Jane here." I whispered as his hand gently grabbed my arm. He studied my face for a moment and then smiled.

"I forgot. You care about other people." He said and gave me a wink. "Jane you may come along if you wish." She looked at me and I smiled. Then she jumped up and followed behind us. He led us to his cousin Paul and a woman with dark black hair and bright blue eyes. She was beautiful and I couldn't look away.

"Paul, you remember Susanna?" Adam said and offered me to his blonde evil cousin.

"Pleasure to see you again miss." I curtsied and offered my hand to the woman beside him. She stared at me shocked and never moved. Paul bursted out laughing and clapped Adam on the shoulder. "You've got quite the catch dear cousin." He said and then walked away. The woman smiled slightly and looked embarrassed before she followed behind him.

"What did I do wrong?" I asked when I saw Adam's uncomfortable expression.

"She is his mistress." He whispered, offering me his arm. "He found her at the local whorehouse three years ago and bought her."

"He bought her!" I said causing people to look in our way. Adam smiled brightly and nodded at the curious onlookers.

"Not officially, but he pays for her wardrobe, food and she lives in his house." I swallowed the bitter taste in my mouth and watched the girl.

"I heard that she's only 14." Jane added from behind and I stared at her shocked.

"She's just a baby."

"No three years ago she was a baby. Now she's a woman." Adam said, as if this were the norm. My dislike for Paul grew into hatred and I could feel my face heat with anger when I thought of him.

"Your highness." The next couple caught my attention and I smiled. They were older, maybe my father's age.

"Lord and Lady Dodsworth, this is Miss Susanna of London. She's Spencer's niece, visiting for the month." They studied my shocked smile and curtsied.

"I never knew that Spencer had a niece." Lady Dodsworth said, smiling but eyeing me suspiciously.

"She's been abroad in Spain and Italy as a lady in waiting for the queen." Adam spoke as naturally as if this were the truth. I was afraid to look at him so I stuck the smile on my face and didn't look anywhere else but at Lady Dodsworth's fur trimmed dress. It was a peculiar choice for the spring. It was dark black with long sleeves and fur on the neck and sleeves. She must've been extremely hot in that dress.

When Adam excused us I led him into the house and Jane disappeared into the kitchen, while I pushed him into the parlor.

"Why did you say that?" I asked closing the door behind me.

"Say what?" he said running his finger along the edges of one of Spencer's books.

"All of those things; those lies!" I grabbed his hand, to make him focus on me. "None of that is true." He studied my hand and never spoke. I realized what I had done and dropped his hand as if it burned me. He gently grabbed mine and kissed it.

"I know you don't like it, but it is a surprise." He smiled. "Trust me, it'll benefit you in the end."

"I don't want to be made out as a liar." I said looking at the ground. He gently touched my chin and lifted it.

"Would I do that to you?" He said, his brown eyes studying mine. They quickly glanced at my lips and then he smiled. "I have something for you." He said and reached into his chest pocket. He pulled out a long blue box with a gold bow on the top and handed it to me. I smiled at him.

"That must've been awkward to carry around." I joked and he smiled.

"You have no idea." He passed it to me. "Open it." I gently lifted the lid off and inside was a large round gold pendant on a gold chain. On the front of the pendant was the coat of arms only it had been changed. It had the three lions, passed down by King Richard, the lionhearted, and the ancient arms of France passed down through King Edward the III. Then there was a sun rising from the top of the shield and two wheat-ears on either side of the shield. In the middle of the shield was a swan. I looked up at him and studied his face.

"Open it." He whispered with a smile. So I picked up the pendant and noticed a latch on the side. I turned it and the pendant, or locket as I discovered, popped open. Inside was a portrait of the king. I pulled it closer to my face and studied the small canvas.

"That's amazing." I said, looking up at the resemblance. "This artist is a wonder, to paint something this small." I said studying it.

"I want you to wear it always, and no that you hold a special place near my heart as well." He said and I smiled at him. He took the locket from my hands, clipped in closed and put in over my head, so I rested on my shoulders. The locket hung just above my navel and we both laughed.

"Apparently your closer to my stomach than my heart." I said and he smiled at me. Then there was a knock on the door and Jesse came in.

"Promise to wear it always?" He said, his voice very serious.

"I promise." I said smiling and he smiled back.

"What's going on?" He asked with a smile. "Conspiring against me?"

"Of course not!" I said tucking the locket into my dress.

"No dear friend." Adam said patting Jesse on the shoulder.  
"Well dinner is about to be served." He said holding his arm out to me. There was a flicker in Adam's eye but he smiled and lead the way to the patio. The cold locket touched my bare skin and set a shiver through my body.

"Stop!" I said pushing Jesse away from me and catching my breath.

"I don't know why you stop me all the time. We're going to be married." He said laying on my bed beside me. The soft glow of the candles made his face so much more distinguished and I had the urge to kiss him again. Instead I lay down beside him and copying his position, with his hands behind his head. He looked over and chuckled. Then his eyes fell on the locket and he sat up.

"What's this?" He asked and I looked down at the lump on my chest from the locket under my dressing gown.

"A gift." I said and he gently grabbed the chain and watched the locket slide out from my gown.

"An expensive gift." He said grinning.

"From the king." I said smiling and watched his face. He smiled at he looked at it, but then his smile faded and his brows furrowed. A second ago he was the happiest man, but now he looked like he could kill someone.

"When did he give this to you?" Jesse snapped.

"In the parlor today before dinner." I said sitting up. "Why what's wrong?"

"What's going on Susanna?" He asked clenching his fist around the locket as if he were trying to crush it to pieces.

"Nothing. I don't know what your talking about. It's just a locket." I said struggling to take it from him.

"Take it off." He snapped and I blinked at him.

"No."

"Take it off!" He said again and I pushed his hands away when he tried to take it from me.

"No! I made a promise and I'm going to keep it. What is wrong with you? It's just a stupid locket!" I said and he blinked at me. Lucan, now accustomed to being kicked off the bed looked up at us with curiosity. Jesse sighed and rubbed his face.

"You're right, just a stupid locket." He said and looked sadly at me. "I'm sorry."

"I don't know why you got so mad." I said as he kissed my hands.

"I know. It's hard to explain." He frowned at the locket and I slipped in under my dress.

"Look you cant even see it." I said smiling and kissing him. He never said another word, but he stopped kissing me and was quiet for the rest of the night.


	21. All's Fair in Love and War

**A/N: **K so the next couple of chapters might be a little dry... I'm trying to add more drama to them without it becoming a drama overload or without it getting confusing... Stick with it because I PROMISE it's gets better!

Thanks!

* * *

Leaving Maria's was sad. The day after the party was spent cleaning up the garden and setting everything back to where it had been. It took us a lot longer than expected, partly because someone had rolled a barrel of ale into the forest and smashed it to pieces and another had vomited all over the bench where Jane had confided in me.

The day when I was to leave arrived before I knew it and even Lucan knew that it was a sad day. I woke early and couldn't fall back to sleep. I started to pack my trunk with all the nice dresses, holding them close to my body with the fear that I would never wear them again. I decided though that I would not change back into my black dress. It was time for me to come out of mourning, especially since I was to marry Jesse.

As if he heard my brain whisper his name Jesse rolled over and grunted. I rolled my eyes and Lucan lifted his head and yawned. Then he got up and licked Jesse's face three times before he jumped off the bed and barked at the door.

"Jesse." I spoke softly as I nudged him. "You have to leave. I have to let the dog out." He blinked at me and smiled.

"No I think you need to come back to bed." He said pulling on my hand. I smiled but resisted him. Finally he groaned and pushed the covers away. "Alright."

"Besides we're leaving right after breakfast." I said. He had offered to take me home because the king was staying in London and Worcester is on the way. He saluted me and opened the window. He leaned over and kissed me before he disappeared out the window. After dressing quickly I set Lucan free and he bolted out the back door. He met Eleanor at the edge of the forest and the two raced through the woods.

"He's pretty taken with her." Spencer said appearing at my side. I smiled at him and nodded.

"He will be sad to leave here."

"Why don't you take her with you?"

"Eleanor?" I looked at him shocked. The dogs were like his children. "I couldn't take her away from you."

"I think she will be alright." He said looking at the shadows the two made in the forest. "Besides Maria is losing her patience with the amount of dogs running around and there's a new breed I want to get." He smiled at me and winked. "And having her living with you will give you incentive to come back and stay with us."

"It's been a great month. I have never had so much fun." I smiled, despite the tears in my eyes. Spencer pretended that he didn't see them and wrapped an arm around my shoulder.

"It has been good for Maria. She needs distractions and you were the perfect distraction." He said and I smiled.

"Well I will come back any time you want me too." I said giving him a hug. I called for Lucan and Eleanor followed him.

In the hallway Stewart was carrying my trunk out of my room and Maria stood by watching. She wiped the tear away and smiled at me.

"Ready for breakfast?" She asked clasping tightly to my hand and leading me out the doorway. I looked at Spencer and he shrugged.

"Susanna has agreed to take Eleanor."  
"Oh?" She looked at him and then smiled. "Good that will be one less dog for me to kick out of the way." She smiled and winked at me as we sat at the table out on the patio. "Where is Jesse this morning?" She asked not even looking at me. I guess it was a good thing because my cheeks instantly heated and I looked at the table.

"I…I'm not sure. Doesn't he sleep in the parlor?"

"He wasn't there when I woke this morning." She unfolded the napkin and placed it over her dull blue dress. "His blankets were folded neatly at the edge where he leaves them every morning, but he wasn't there."

"I…I…"

"Susanna," Her voice was no louder than a whisper but it was sharp and sent chills down my spine. "You must be careful. One wrong move and your life could be changed, and not in a good way."

"We…I… We have not had sex." I whispered back, trying to be quiet so Spencer wouldn't hear. He was two feet away talking quietly to Mary, the Scottish terrier who weighed less than 6 pounds.

"Just be careful. There is a lot you don't know." She sighed and moved a fork so it was perfectly placed beside the plate. "He is dangerous territory." She said and smiled as Jesse came into view. "There you are. Susanna and I were wondering where you had disappeared to."

"Oh, I was just washing in the stream." He said smiling at Maria and looking at me hesitantly. I looked away quickly and watched the dogs run around the yard.

"Will you miss us?" Maria asked.

"I will. It's so peaceful here. And mother isn't nagging at me every three seconds." I said and everyone laughed.

"Well you must come back." Spencer said again and I smiled.

"How about Christmas." Maria said with a bright smile. "Bring your brother and your Mother-in-law."

"Maria, Susanna might want to spend time with her whole family." Spencer said gently when he saw my shocked expression.

"Bring them all too." She said with a smile that I had grown to know was false. Spencer looked at her with confusion.

"I wouldn't want to put you out like that." I said and she tutted.

"Where will everyone sleep?" Spencer asked, getting agitated.

"We would find room Spencer." She snapped and turned back to me. "Please come. It'll be a marvelous Christmas."

"Well, Christmas is many months away. I will go and tell my family that you have invited us, but seriously think about what you are asking for. A grumpy old man, three loud busy children and a bitter old widow."

"Sounds like a party." She said smiling and winking at me. I shook my head and Jesse smiled at me. Eliza placed a magnificent fry-up in front of me and all conversation was lost as we devoured the black pudding, the sausages and the scrambled eggs.

After breakfast we helped Eliza bring in the dishes and I did one last sweep of the room to make sure I didn't forget anything. When I left the room Maria and Spencer were outside talking with Jesse who was helping load the carriage. A boy sat in the driver's seat and I realized that he must've just arrived this morning, because he didn't look familiar.

"Is he certain?" Maria asked; her forehead creased with worry.

"Almost positive. I wont be surprised if he has already announced it." Jesse answered as they struggled to tie the trunk to the back of the carriage.

"Announced what?" I asked stepping into the bright sunlight. Everyone jumped and the boy smiled at me.

"Oh we're just talking about the next royal ball." Maria said with a high-pitched laugh. I looked at Jesse, but he avoided my gaze. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and hugged me tightly. "I'm so sad that you are leaving already. It seems like you just arrived yesterday."

"I know." I said forgetting the conversation and holding onto her tightly.

"I will write to you frequently so we never lose touch and you must do the same."

"I will."

"Between milking cows and mucking stalls?" Spencer asked as Maria let me go. I smiled at him, but Maria shot him a death stare. I wrapped my arms around him, inhaling the familiar smells and smiled.

"Thank you for having me." I said as I climbed into the widow. Lucan and Eleanor were sitting on the opposite bench.

"Looks like she isn't having a problem leaving." Jesse laughed and Spencer smiled at he gently patted her head.

"Take care of her for me." He said sadly and I nodded.

"I will." He inhaled deeply and shut the door against Jesse's leg.

"Safe journey you two." He said and Maria waved as the carriage started off down the road. The dogs barked and chased the carriage, Isabelle the running as fast as I had ever seen her. Eleanor stood at the window and barked to her twin three times before the other dog slowed down and eventually stopped chasing the carriage. Eleanor stared at out the window her tail wagging slowly and when the house disappeared in the distance she sat back on the cushioned seat and panted happily.

"Well I'm sure your mother-in-law will have something to say about this." Jesse said holding my hand tightly.

"She'll be fine with it." I said. "She can't expect me to be a widow forever."

"What?" He said smiling at me and I blushed.

"Oh you mean Eleanor!" I laughed. "I thought you meant getting married."

"I don't care what she thinks about us marrying." He spoke with a smile but his voice was fierce. "If I want to marry you, there is no one that will stop me."

"Well that's alright with me." I said smiling and pulling his head to meet mine. His lips gently touched mine and my body reacted. I let go of his hand and propped myself up higher so I could deepen the kiss. There was a grunt and a small sigh and we broke apart and looked at the two dogs staring at us with unimpressed expressions.

"We're always being watched no matter where we go." He said and then patted Lucan's head that rested on the seat. I sat back and place my hand in Jesse's as I watched the trees and fields pass by. I don't know when it happened but I remember seeing the small town of Lancashire and when I woke it was pouring rain and lighting lit up the sky.

"I fell asleep." I said rubbing my eyes and lifting my head from Jesse's shoulder.

"About two hours ago." He said rubbing his shoulder. "And you took my arm with you." He said stretching it in front of him and clenching his fingers.

"Why didn't you say anything?" I asked.

"You looked so peaceful I thought I could tolerate it as long as you stayed the way you were." I shook my head although I loved it. I looked at the dogs and smiled. Eleanor was sprawled out over Lucan's head and he looked at me through sleepy eyes as if he too were suffering because of love.

"Where are we?" I asked trying to see through the pouring rain.

"Almost at your house." He said shifting slightly.

"Already? The journey there took so much longer."

"My brother knows all the short cuts." He said proudly.

"Your brother?"

"My half-brother Jerold." He said nodding to the boy now drenched in rain.

"Poor boy. We should stop and let him get out of the rain." I said.

"There is no point now." Jesse said pointing out my side of the carriage. Sure enough there was the tiny little house and the small barn both drenched with water. I sighed and sat back. I had missed it in a way, but at the same time I wished I never had to see it again.

"Home sweet home." Jesse said giving my hand a tight squeeze as the carriage came to a stop in front of the house. The door opened and a tall figure was outlined in the warm glow from the fire. Jesse opened the window and the figured raced towards us.

"Jacob!" I said smiling brightly at my brother's tired face.

"Hello sister." He said and jumped out of the way as the dogs raced from the carriage. "Acquired another pet is see?"

"You can't get between two creatures in love Jacob." I said, glancing quickly at Jesse before grabbing onto their hands and climbing out of the carriage.

"Quick get inside before you catch your death." Jacob said.

"You and Jerold can come in too." I said to Jesse and he smiled at me. He looked up at his younger brother and they exchanged words in a different tongue.

"So sister, how was your stay?" Jacob asked holding a coat above us as we rushed to the house.

"It was wonderful. How is everything here?"

"Fine, it's been raining for two days." He said as we got to the door. He shook off the coat and we stepped inside.

"Susanna!" Debbie said jumping up. She waddled towards me and wrapped her arms around me. Her stomach was slightly swollen and her face was pink and puffy.

"Look at you!" I said and held her out at arms length.

"Say it and I'll hit you." She said and I laughed hugging her close to me again.

"You look wonderful!"

"Wonderfully round."

"I think you look your prettiest when you're pregnant." I said.

"It doesn't work Susanna. I've told her that a million times and she never believes it." She rolled her eyes and turned away from me.

"Where are the kids?" I said taking in my smiling brother and his friend John. David hugged me tightly and then sat beside his friend. "And mother?"

"The kids are playing in your room with the baby." Debbie said.

"Your mother-in-law on the other hand has found a fancy man." Jacob grinned as my mouth fell open with shock.

"He's not a fancy man, he's a nice man." Debbie defended.

"Who?" Debbie looked up at Jacob and they smiled.

"Reverend Thomas."

"What?" I shrieked and instinctively put the kettle on the fire. A rush of cold air filled the warm room as Jesse and his brother came into the house, followed by the two soaked dogs.

"Ugh!" I said looking at them and grabbed the old blanket that hung on the coat rack where I had left it. Lucan trotted towards me expectantly but Eleanor sat back and watched.

"She's cute." Debbie said looking at Eleanor's perked ears and small tail wagging. "She's small compared to him."

"She's older too." I said with a smile. "She's almost a year old where as he's only 5 months, or at least Spencer McDonald seems to think so." I called her over and she sat down, copying Lucan and gave me her paws.

"So why is everyone here?" I asked looking around the room as their smiling faces faded. No one spoke and they looked everywhere but at each other and me. Even Jesse was acting funny. "What is it?"

"It's the king." Debbie said.

"Is he hurt?" I asked standing quickly.

"Not yet." She mumbled.

"He's declared war on France." Jacob said and I blinked at him. Jesse nodded his head and turned away, whispering to Jerold. His brother disappeared outside and I grabbed his arm.

"Where are you going?"

"I knew this was going to happen. He spoke to me about it at the party, but I didn't think it would happen this soon. Something has set him off." Jesse said.

"Can't you wait till the rain stops?"

"I must go to him. He'll be expecting me." Without thinking his kissed my forehead and pulled a hood over his head. "I'll visit soon." He whispered and left without another word. I stood in the doorway, with a dog on each side and watched Jesse take the reigns as Jerold jumped inside the carriage. When I could no longer see them I shut the door and turned to my family.

"Well that's an interesting development." Debbie said smiling. I blinked at her wondering what she was talking about and then blushed when I realized what had happened.

"Has he asked father yet?" Jacob asked.

"We just got back." I shook my head. "Did you not just mention that our country is going to war?"

"It's nothing that we can do Susanna." Jacob said.

"Yes, he's right. We shouldn't worry about it."

"Where are Bradley and Papa?" Everyone exchanged a glance and I sank to the floor. "They can't. Papa especially. He's too old."

"We tried telling him that but he has nothing to live for apparently." Jacob said bitterly. I sighed knowing that Papa would never be accepted for he would be the easiest casualty in his old age and the king wanted a strong army. "I'm glad that you too have seen sense and aren't enlisting." I said nodding to my brothers as Eleanor jumped onto my lap.

"For now." David mumbled and I looked at him, realizing that my baby brother was no longer a scrawny boy. He was turning into a man.

"What do you mean David?"

"The King will call for us when he finds out we haven't enlisted." Jacob said and explained what could happen if they didn't fight. Tears filled my eyes as I looked at them and realized that this time next year one or both of them could be gone.

"Don't cry Susana. You'll set Debbie off again." Jacob said, rubbing his face and turning towards the fire.

"I…I cant help it." I shook with silent sobs. "I…must…do…something." I said standing up.

"What can you do?" Debbie asked hopeful.

"The King and I are acquaintances. He will listen to me." I said grabbing my coat.

"Don't be stupid Susanna." Jacob snapped. He snatched the coat from my hands and stared at me fiercely. "This is war not some stupid tea party! You are not to get involved. Do your role and worry about taking care of the family while we are gone." His shouting caused a stir in the back of the house and a baby cried. Debbie looked at the door and debated leaving to tend to the children. I glared at my brother and pulled the coat from his hands.

"I'll check on the _family_ for you. God only knows one of us should step outside of our roles and make a difference in this world!" I spat before marching through the living room into the back hallway. I took a deep breath before I opened the door.

"It's not my fault. Samuel was the one jumping on the bed." Aggie said without even looking at me. She was holding the sobbing baby in her arms trying to sooth him while Samuel stood in the corner with his hands over his ears. I smirked and thought of what their father had said about roles. Men were such cowards. They thought going to war was brave. Try raising baby after baby and making sure that everyone gets fed when you have no money.

"What's happened?" I asked holding my hands out to the baby.

"AUNT SUSANNA!" They two of them shrieked causing the baby to scream louder. I smiled slightly and took the bawling 6 month old and cuddled him close to my chest. He quieted after a moment and I sat on the bed. He had a red bump over his eye and Samuel looked at me with a guilty expression. I smiled and hugged them and decided to not worry about what had happened to little Nathaniel. There were more important things in this world.

"Did you miss us?" They asked sitting on each side of me.

"Of course. I missed you two the most." I said, resting my cheek on Nathaniel's blonde hair. "I brought something home with me, that I think you will like."

"Really?" Aggie asked her eyes bright.

"Is it a toy?" Samuel asked edging closer to me.

"Better." I whistled and the two dogs barreled into the room. Lucan lapped at their faces and caused them to break out laughing. Even Nathaniel giggled. When they saw Eleanor they started cooing at her and wanted to pick her up. Considering herself as Lucan's equal made Eleanor confused as to what they were doing and she snapped at them.

"You can't pick her up. She's doesn't like to be treated as a baby." I said and they smiled and gently patted her head. She sat in between them and gently licked their faces.

"Where did you find her?"

"My friend Maria gave her to me. She and Lucan are best friends." I said with a smile and patted Lucan's head as he panted and drooled all over the bed.

"Are they in love?" Aggie asked and Samuel groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Ugh!" He said. "You are always talking about _love!"_ I smirked.

"Yea so? Everyone falls in love Samuel!"

"Not me!" He said standing up and making his chest stick out.

"Oh no?" I smiled at him and he shook his blonde curly hair.

"Nope never! Love is for sissies. I going to be a knight and fight for the king." He said pretending to stab Lucan with a sword. Lucan barked and wagged his tail. Samuel wrapped his arms around the puppy's neck and when he sat down Lucan was five inches taller.

"Well that's silly." Aggie said. "I'm going to get married and have lots of babies."

"Oh really?"

"Yes but I'll have to marry someone rich so I wont have to worry about feeding them." She frowned and I sat completely shocked. This was the future generation, stupid men and gold digging women. I looked at the baby and smiled.

"What about you Nathaniel? Will you get fall in love and get married?" He looked at me with bright blue eyes and gurgled as he smiled. I smiled and shook my head.

"Alright in here you three?" Debbie said appearing in the doorway?

"We were talking about getting married." I said and she nodded.

"They've told you have they?" I nodded and she sighed. "I swear they didn't get it from me." I smiled and passed her the baby. The kids let out a loud groan when she told them that it was time to go and the only way they would stop crying is when I said that they could come back over when it stopped raining to play with the dogs.

Jacob stood at the door with his coat and had the same guilty look Samuel had when he thought he was in trouble. I sighed and hugged my brother despite our argument.

"You're not angry?" He asked shocked at my embrace.

"There are more important things." I said and shrugged. "Besides you might not be here in a year anyways." He smirked down at me knowing I was joking, but Debbie overheard and gaped.

"What a thing to say Susanna." I laughed and hugged her.

"It'll be alright Deb. God has already punished you enough by giving you my brother as a husband, he wont punish you again by taking him away from you when you have four children." Jacob laughed and Debbie smiled, despite the tears. I kissed each of the children and waved as they rode quickly down the road to their home.

Around midnight I woke up and started to worry. Mother had not come home when I made dinner, and still hadn't come home for prayers. I had waited up for her but found myself falling asleep as I did my stitching. When I woke up I went to check on her and her bed was still empty. A low growl came from the kitchen and I went into see a small round figure sneaking into the house. The bright coals outlined David's sleeping body. I would have been able to see her face without the coals because she was glowing with happiness.

"And where were you miss?" I whispered and she jumped.

"Oh my! Susanna you startled me." She said with a smile and took off her cloak. "You're back. I thought you were supposed to be home tomorrow?"

"Yes I imagine that's why you weren't here but off gallivanting with a fancy man." I said crossing my arms and smirking.

"A what? He is nothing of the sort. He's a gentleman." She said and blushed.

"Well he must be quiet the gentleman to keep you out till the wee hours in the morning." I said and she sighed.

"I'm an old woman Susanna. No one cares about what I do any more." She said patting Lucan's head. "Who is this?"

"Eleanor. Don't change the subject. Who is he?"

"He's a nice man, who isn't married."

"I would hope not." I said with a shocked expression. "What's his name?"

"Reverend Thomas." She whispered and I stared at her. When I didn't answer she looked up at me and the expression on my face made her tut. "You knew already?" She said it more as a statement then a question but I answered it.

"I did. I just wanted to give you a hard time." I laughed and she swatted at me. I hugged her tightly and she held onto me just as tight.

"I am glad you are home. I hate to admit it but I missed you." She said and I chuckled.

"Well this man has changed you. I never thought I would ever hear such kind words from you." I said and she swatted at me again. "I'll bet you'll be needing your sleep after a night with a _gentleman._" I said giving her a wink. She shook her head and kissed my cheek.

"You have changed as well."

"Really?" I asked her shocked.

"You've gotten fat!" As I looked down at my flat stomach she laughed and walked into her room. "Good night Susanna." I shook my head and walked back to my room. As I watched the dogs settle themselves around me I thought of everything that had happened today. It figures that she would find love when a war begins.


	22. The Worst Week

The rain stopped two days later as did David's constant grumbling about the crummy weather, mother's horrible humming and also my monthly bleed. But what started was a series of things that would make for the longest week of my life. It started with Reverend Thomas' first visit.

With the talk of war spreading all over the country mother thought it would be best for Reverend Thomas to visit, give us a blessing in this time of need. What she really wanted was for me to give them my blessing so they could further their relationship without any problems.

He arrived just in time for dinner in his black robes and white collar. I smiled at him and he nervously offered his hand to me. He was a small fat man, with a baldhead and small blue eyes. He breathed heavily and his face went purple when he coughed.

"Welcome Reverend." Mother said fussing and making sure she never touched him. She offered her favourite seat and started pouring out glasses of sherry that she had gotten for Christmas. I sat across from him and watched him watch her. He studied her movements with more than lust. He watched her as if he were in awe.

"Have you been married before?" I asked jumping right to the point of the visit. Mother looked at me with a shocked expression but I just shrugged at her. I could tell she was curious as well. Reverend Thomas was a quiet one, who kept to himself. Being our parish priest for the past three years he wasn't known for making house calls and this didn't give us many opportunities for getting to know him. He smiled at me and folded his hands onto the table.

"No I have never married before." He said his voice deep and calm despite the sweat breaking out on his forehead.

"Why not?"

"Susanna!" Mother shrieked but he just smiled.

"I believe that marriage is sacred and when you are young marriage is solely just to bring children into the world. In my youth I believed that there was no room in my heart for children. God was the only one, so I never married. I was in love once but she wanted children and I did not." He said with a shrug.

"But children are believed to be sacred too." I said and he nodded. "Why wouldn't you want them?"

"It is hard to explain." He said studying the wooden table. "But when you are a man of God having children and marriage are small worries compared to others."

"So why do you wish to marry my mother now?" I asked and once again Mother shrieked.

"No one said anything about marriage Susanna." She said placing a large chicken on the table. I looked up at her and raised my eyebrows.

"No one needed to."

"Don't worry my dear." He said touching her hand gently. It was amazing to watch the woman I knew to be strong and tough like an ox melt like candle wax to a flame. "I wish to marry your mother-in-law because I love her."

"But do you love her because she is at an age where she can no longer bear you children?" I asked skeptically. Even though he was a man of God, he was a human first and I needed to make sure she would be taken care of for the right reasons. He studied my face and smiled.

"I cannot lie and say that isn't a big part of it. But I also love her for others things. For instance the way she can pluck fifty feathers from a chicken's body in one grasp or the way she walks into the room and the whole place changes. Or the way she talks about you. You, her daughter by marriage, she speaks of as if you were her own blood. She worries more about you than she could possibly worry about anyone else." He smiled at me and I felt tears prick my eyes. "The things she worries about are…lets just say that I love her for loving you, for seeing how much she can care for one person that has only recently come into her life." I sat silent, completely speechless. Mother hovered by the fire and was afraid to look at me. I took a deep shaky breath and wiped my eyes.

"Well then I guess you are very fortunate to have her affections." I said nodding at him, silently giving my blessing. He smiled at me and looked over at Mother who snorted. She squeezed my shoulder as she passed but never said a word.

"Nora tells me that you have an interest in dogs?" Thomas said as mother placed bowls of mashed potatoes and chopped carrots in front of us.

"It's recent hobby of mine." I said nodding and offering the bowl of carrots to Thomas.

"She just brought home another a few days ago." Mother said raising her eyebrow at me.

"I have acquired friends who raise dogs and while I was there my dog, Lucan, got along very well with another dog and it was agreed that no good would come with separating the two. So I was allowed to take her home as long as I took good care of her." I said smiling and looking at the two dogs lying by the fire. Eleanor rested her tiny head on Lucan's and the two were watching us with sleepy expressions.

"Yes I agree. But they probably gave her to you because she is gestating." Thomas said as he cut a wing off of the chicken.

"G-gestating?" I stared at him shocked. "Are you certain?"

"My dear," he said with a pitied smile. "My father raised dogs and sold them as one would raise cattle. I know when a bitch is carrying pups." He looked at my concerned face and put down his fork. "I'll show you." He got up off the chair and went and knelt down in front of Lucan. Lucan growled at him but Thomas lifted his hand and patted Lucan gently. Then he gently grabbed Eleanor by the scruff of her neck and led her into a standing position. "Come here." He said to me and I quickly got up and knelt beside him.

"Feel here." He said placing his hands just above Eleanor's hips and slightly towards her belly. I copied his hands and felt the dog's stomach. "Do you feel how hard it is?" I pressed slightly and nodded.

"I'd say that she is about 30 days." He said with a smile. Eleanor turned around and licked my hand before she went and lay down on Lucan again. I sat and stared at the two of them and shook my head.

"It's not possible." I said and Thomas chuckled.

"Sure it is."

"He's so big and she's so small." I stared at the pair with wonder. "Maybe she was expecting before we got there."

"After the 30th day her stomach will soften and she enters into the second period of birthing." Thomas said sitting back at the table. "Her body is no longer getting used to this new thing growing inside. It's accepted it and is giving up the battle." He said taking a bite of the chicken. I looked at mother and she shrugged.

"Puppies?" I said looking at them again.

"I wouldn't expect more that two." Thomas said looking at the dogs. "Given their size difference she will be in for one ruff night." He said and then chuckled at his own joke. As mother started another topic of conversation I sat beside the couple and patted Lucan's head as Eleanor climbed into my lap.

"Well you've done it now buddy." I said to him and gently felt Eleanor's stomach again. "Puppies." I said shaking my head.

Reverend Thomas left just before prayers and I cleaned the dishes while mother said good night. I smirked when she returned half an hour later and her lips were red and puffy.

"He's gone." She said closing the door and touching her hair. I noticed that she was no longer wearing her wedding band and I felt a pang in my chest as I realized I wasn't wearing mine either. When had I forgotten about Andrew? It had been a few short months since his death but it felt like years.

"Are you alright dear?" She asked touching my arm and startling me.

"Of course." I said with a smile, but it faded.

"What is it?"

"Nothing. I don't want to trouble you with my foolishness." I said and wiped my hands on a cloth before I picked up the dirty water and went to the door to dump it.

"Susanna." Her tone was stern but her eyes were soft. I sighed.

"I've forgotten about Andrew." I said and she blinked at me. She looked towards the table and her eyes glistened. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it. Forgive me mother."

"No, it's alright." She said and grabbed my hand. "I've forgotten about him too. I'll never completely forget about him. But sometimes change happens and you start to forget things that were so dear to you before."

"I feel like I should still be wearing black, like I should be in mourning." Tears leaked down my face.

"Susanna. You shouldn't mourn for the husband you lost when your heart no longer belongs to him." She said giving me a wink. I stared at her and wondered how she knew. She smiled and patted my shoulder as she went to wipe the table. "So puppies? That's just the thing we need in this small house…more mouths to feed." And for the first time in my life she sat down and patted Lucan's head. I blinked at her and opened the door throwing the dirty water onto the grass. And then I noticed it.

It was small at first, a soft glow in the dark world around me. But within seconds it grew larger and the smell reached my nose creating a sense of panic in my body.

"Oh my god!" I whispered and raced to the barn. I flung open the doors and listened as the cattle shrieked. "HELP! MOTHER HELP!" I raced into the smoky barn and started opening every pen I could touch. As I opened the gates the cows bolted from their cells and out into the open air. As I reached the last pen I noticed I fumbled with the scalding hot lock and watched as the baby cow hid behind its mother's backside. She stood screaming at the flames as if that would be the trick to save her baby. When I opened the gate they were too distracted and I had to pull on the cow's ears to get her to leave the cell. The baby naturally followed after her.

I looked up at the burning hay lofts and watched in awe as embers started to fall towards me. "Susanna run!" A voice said and I looked up to see Andrew standing a few feet in front of me.

"What are you doing in here?" I shouted over the roaring fire.

"Get out now!" He said and the roof crackled above sending hot shard of wood around me. I covered my head and felt a piece burn my arm. "SUSANNA GET OUT!" He said again only this time he stood in front of me and grabbed onto my hands. My body went cold and I pulled away from him, just as a long piece of wood fell and landed in the spot where I had just been standing. This was enough for me to completely realize what was going on. I raced around the burning log and right past Andrew.

I met David and Johnny on the way out and they were carrying two big buckets of water.

"There's more outside." Johnny shouted.

"Ms. Fitzpatrick is filling them at the stream, just leave the empty ones out there." David ordered and started throwing water onto the fire. As I watched the two boys fight to put the large flames out I realized it was too late.

"David come." I said pulling on his arm but he pulled away from me. Johnny stood back and watched, he too knew it was hopeless, but he would fight at his friend's side till the bitter end. "David! There's no point." I shouted and he pulled away from me again.

"Susanna quick!" Mother appeared behind me and there were tears on her face.

"What is it?"

"It's the house." She shouted and David stopped throwing water onto the flames and raced out of the barn with us. As we entered into the cold clean air we stopped and watched as the straw roof burned. None of us could move as the marvelous orange and red flames lighted the night sky. I felt Lucan lick my dirty hand and that's when I realized what was happening. Our lives were being taken away from us.

"Quick we have to put it out!" I said grabbing a bucket. I was vaguely aware of mother bursting into tears and sinking to the ground and Johnny yelling to David and I that there was no way to put it out. But David and I raced back and forth to the stream filling bucket after bucket trying desperately to put the flames out. Then the roof caved in and the whole house was engulfed in flames. I sank to the ground; spilling the bucket I had been carrying and stared at the house. Everything that made my life was in that house. And all I could do was sit back and watch it burn.

The house was still crackling when the sun rose the next morning. Lucan and Eleanor stayed by my side as I sat under the tree and watched the house. Mother knelt on the dirt path and cried for the entire night asking God why he did this to us. The cows were scattered all over the land, some lying down, and some grazing. David and Johnny had raced down to father's house to tell him and I knew it would take them hours to get there and just as long to get back.

A rooster cawed somewhere off in the distance and I stood up. I winced under the pain of my sore muscles and walked towards the house. Mother was sitting on the ground praying and didn't even feel me gently touch her head before I walked into the burnt house. There were still small fires burning off to the sides of the house but nothing life threatening. Everything was black, ash and the air was almost entirely smoke. I coughed as I kicked aside what I had guessed was our kitchen table and frowned at the black fire place. The wall that separated the front room from the bedrooms had burned down and both rooms were completely visible. There was a pile of rubbish where my bed used to be. The bed where I had made love to Andrew. The bed where I had spent a week crying over his death. The bed where I had laid the quilt Jesse had given me for my birthday. None of those things remained now. All the dresses Gina had given me were turned to ash and the beautiful gown I had been given by the king…it was as if I had never been given it.

I turned around three times looking at what used to be my safe haven; my place to go if I needed time alone. Now it was black, dark and dead.

"Susanna?" his voice was soft but it was enough for the tears to start pouring down my face. "Come now dear." His hands were warm against my arms as he led me out of the house. I blinked at the bright sunlight and wiped the tears from my face. "It'll be alright." He said and I collapsed.

"Oh Papa!" I said and he held me in his arms as he had when I was small and had scraped my knee. "Why? Why did this happen?" I sobbed and he stroked my hair.

"Shh, shh…it'll be alright." He said and held onto me tighter.

"How did this happen David?" That was Jacob's voice. He was somewhere off to my right.

"I… I don't know. Johnny and I were…we were down by the water and then… we came heard screams and the barn was on fire." He stammered nervously. "Then while we were trying to put it out the house caught on fire."

"Maybe it was a storm." Jacob said.

"Don't be stupid brother. The sky was clear last night. "Bradley snapped and this shocked me enough that I opened my eyes.

"Well how do you suppose it happened?" Jacob snapped back and the two of them stood staring at the house scowling.

"You think it is a coincidence that both the house and the barn caught on fire?" Bradley said, his voice lower thinking that I couldn't hear him. I watched Jacob looked at our brother with a shocked expression.

"You…no…"He shook his head and looked back at the house. "You think someone did this on purpose?" he hissed. Bradley hesitated and then nodded. "But why? Who would want to hurt-" His eyes landed on me and they softened. I looked at Papa who was watching me carefully, completely aware of what had been said.

"Who would do this to me?" I asked standing up, with Papa's help.

"I…I don't know." Jacob said stepping towards me and brushing a stray piece of hair behind my ear. "Maybe you weren't the target."

"But who would want to hurt mother? Or David? We have no enemies here." I said looking at David's shocked face.

"I don't know if anyone was a target." Bradley said looking at the house.

"What?" Jacob said turning to him.

"What do you mean Bradley?" Papa said.

"It's just interesting how the series of events happened." He said with a shrug and walked towards what used to be the barn. "You said you saw the barn on fire and called for help, right?" Bradley asked me and I nodded. "So while everyone was focusing on the barn, no one was in the house, right?"

"Obviously." Jacob snapped and Bradley scowled.

"Let him finish son." Papa said grabbing Jacob's tense shoulder.

"So while you were putting out the fire the house caught on fire." He said turning to the house.

"It could've been an ember that floated from the fire and lit the roof in flames." Jacob said.

"Yes that's possible. But unlikely." He said and studied the house. The person would've been able to wait to make sure everyone was out before he set the fire." Bradley said and then he looked at me. "Are you sure that you don't know anyone who would do this to you?" I blinked at him as faces raced through my mind. I shook my head and felt my knees shake. Who would want to destroy my life, my home? Why?

"Oh my, look at you!" Debbie had screeched when she saw us slowly trudged up the hill to their house. The boys had rounded up the cows and left them in Papa's barn. David would stay in Papa's house and Mother and I would stay with Debbie and the kids at her house. In the past six years Jacob had worked his hardest to build the best home for him and Debbie.

It was a rock wall house, made with sturdy stones and plaster that took a year's wages to buy and had a wooden roof that was flat. The front door was solid oak with tree carvings on the front of it and when you went in you entered the kitchen/living space. He made the house two levels with beautiful wooden floors and a staircase, not a wooden ladder, a staircase that went up to the two bedrooms upstairs. There was a third bedroom downstairs that stood at the back of the house. This was where Debbie and Jacob slept and the children would sleep upstairs. Aggie being the only girl got her own room and was more than happy to share it with Mother and I.

That night had been a restless sleep. I could not fall asleep and knew that mother was having the same problem. Around midnight I drifted off to sleep and was awoken shortly after by two swift kicks in my lower back from Aggie's small feet. I groaned and wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and went down the stairs. In front of the fire, Debbie had placed a blanket and the two dogs slept peacefully on them. I sat down and started petting their heads. Next thing I knew the sun was pouring in the window and three sets of eyes were staring down at me.

"Why are you sleeping on the floor Auntie?" Aggie asked. I blinked at them and rubbed my face.

"Hmmm?" I asked.

"You're sleeping with the dogs." Samuel said and giggled.

"Yes well you sister has a mean kick." I said smiling at them. Nathaniel sat beside me watching me carefully. When I smiled at him he gave me a huge smile back that showed two tiny white teeth. I smirked and sat up, quickly picking him up and kissing him. He giggled and squirmed under my hands and I laughed. Jacob came into the kitchen and his long black hair was damp and crazy. We all smiled at each other ready to tease him, but when he looked at us there was sadness in his eyes.

"Daddy? What's wrong?" Aggie said, clearly picking up on Jacob's mood.

"Nothing dear." He said and picked up a wooden cup and dipped it into the barrel of water by the door. He took a long gulp and then placed both hands on the rim and bent over.

"Aggie can you take Nathaniel and Samuel to Grandpa's house and see if he has started breakfast yet?" I said, eyeing my brother carefully. I smiled at my sister and she blinked back at me with a stunned expression.

"Grandpa never cooks. Momma does all the cooking, right Daddy?"

"Momma's not feeling too well today." He said and took another drink of water.

"Hurry now Aggie. Go and see what he's got to eat. I'll be there soon." I said giving her my best smile. Her forehead creased but she picked up Nathaniel, who was almost the size of her torso, and the three of them hurried down the hill to Papa's house.

"What is it Jacob?" I asked, pulling the blanket tighter around my shoulders.

"It's Debbie." He whispered and his shoulders shuddered.

"What?" I asked rushing to his side.

"She's pale and weak." He said turning away so I wouldn't see his tears. I looked at the door and felt goose bumps break out over my arms.

"When did it start?"

"Shortly after you got up. She wanted to make sure you were alright, but…" he was overcome with sobs and I knew that nothing else needed to be said. I patted his arm and went to the door.

I knocked softly and then slowly opened the door. The smell was stale and salty from the built up heat and sweat. The room was dark and I could hear her panting softly.

"Deb?" I whispered edging slowly into the room. My knee collided with the bed frame and I sat down. "Are you alright Debbie?" I asked reaching for her hand. It was clammy and hot and the bed shook as she tossed her head from left to right.

"My baby." She panted. "My baby." I reached up and felt her hot face. Time to act, I thought. I rolled up the sleeves of my night gown and got up. I opened the window allowing a breeze to go through the room and ordered Jacob to get me a cold rag for Debbie's head and to put the kettle on. After two hours of tossing and turning she fell silent and went into a peaceful sleep.

"What am I going to tell the kids?" Jacob whispered as we stood outside Debbie's door. We had taken turns checking on her for the past hour. I sent mother to Papa's house to keep the children busy and quickly changed into one of Debbie's old working dresses that didn't fit her anymore.

"Tell them that they are having a overnight visit at Grandpa's house. Make it fun and exciting." I said and he blinked at me.

"I can't pretend everything is alright. We haven't even gotten the doctor yet." He snapped.

"Because right now I can handle this. You need to calm down and worry about the kids while she's still sle-" A loud groan cut me off and Jacob and I raced into the room.

"What's wrong Deb?" I asked feeling her head.

"It's ok honey." Jacob said sitting on the bed and holding her hand.

"Something's wrong." She panted and her eyes opened wide. "Help!" She said and started kicking at the blankets. Jacob stared in horror as I pushed the blankets back and started at the blood soaked sheets. "No! NO!" She screamed and held her legs tightly together.

"Debbie…" I said softly rubbing her leg. I bit back the tears and tried to coax her. "Come on Debbie you have too."

"Have to what?" Jacob snapped. "She's in pain Susanna! She shouldn't have to do anything."

"Not my baby!" She said and tears poured down her face.

"I'm sorry." I said to her letting my own emotions get the better of me. A tear rolled down my cheek and I brushed it away. "Come on Debbie you have to push."

"Push? PUSH? She's not ready yet. The baby is supposed to come for months." Jacob shouted and I frowned at him. He studied my face and shook his head.

"Not again." He said looking at the blood and a tear rolled down his cheek. I nodded and then turned back to Debbie.

"Come on you can do it." I said pulling her legs apart and watching for the signs of delivery. She sat up and pushed down hard enough that her face went red. It took three tries before the tiny baby slipped out into my hands. She was tiny and blue and fit in one of my hands. Her little chest never moved and her fingers were curled in tiny fists. I wiped off her face with the edge of my dress and studied the tiny creature. She had no hair on her body, not even an eyelash and her nails were barely noticeable. I looked up at Jacob who watched me closely and Debbie who sat back breathing heavily and staring at the sky.

"I'm sorry." I said again and she looked at me.

"What is it?" She asked, her voice calm and serious. I swallowed and took a deep breath.

"A girl." I said and looked away as her face crumbled and Jacob bent towards his wife to console her. I wrapped the tiny baby in the blanket at the foot of the bed and closed my eyes fighting the tears.

"Why is this happening to us?" Debbie screamed. "WHY!"

"I don't know honey."

"Two girls and both have been taken away from us." She sobbed. "Doesn't God see what a great job we are doing with a child who isn't even ours?" She covered her face with her hands and took three deep breaths. "All I want is a daughter of my own." She said and I realized that I was no longer needed. I kissed the baby's warm head and offered her out to Jacob. He looked at her and shook has he took her from me. I closed the door to the horrible sounds of both of their sobs.

"Auntie come quick!" Samuel said appearing in the doorway. I sighed deeply and wiped my bloody hands on the back of my dress. I smiled at him.

"What is it?"

"It's Elly!" He said and I groaned.

"What's wrong with her?" I asked taking his hand. He bounced beside me as he pulled me from the house.

"Come and see! Come and see!" He said racing down the hill towards the stream. When we reached the banks where I used to play mother and the two other children were huddled in a circle.

"Be gentle now dear." Mother was telling Nathaniel as he reached down.

"Ew." Aggie said and turned around gagging. I smirked and then my smile dropped at the horrible sight of my dog giving birth to a puppy that was too big for her.

"Oh for heaven's sake." I snapped and sank down to the ground.

"What should we do?" Mother asked one hand ready to pull the puppy out and another holding Nathaniel back. I looked at Elly who was panting and her eyes were shut.

"It's too early." I said watching as her stomach rippled and the back legs of the puppy emerged. Aggie gagged again raced off into the bushes.

"Take them to Papa's house, not to their house." I said to mother. She looked at me curiously and I just shook my head. She frowned as she realized that Debbie had not had good fortune this pregnancy. "I'll need towels but send David. He knows more about these things." I said grimacing as Elly tried to push the puppy out.

As I found myself alone I became aware of a whining somewhere behind me. I turned slightly to see Lucan laying on the ground a few feet away. I smirked and shook my head.

"Coward. Look at what you have done to this poor girl. She'll never be able to have a puppy again." I said watching the way her body was deformed. I sat back and watched, knowing there was nothing I could do. Knowing that this was in fact the worst two days of my entire life.

David threw himself onto the ground beside me and sighed. "I thought you said she would have another month?"

"I guess it's too big for her. Look…" I winced as she pushed again and half of the puppy was hanging out.

"It looks pretty developed." He said studying the back end of the puppy. It was black like Elly but had large circular paws like Lucan. We sat in silence as she struggled to bring this beast into the world. After what seemed like forever the puppy slid out and Elly started licking it.

"Gross here get the towels." I said.

"No." David said putting his hand on my arm. "She needs that to produce milk for the puppy."

"A puppy that is too early to survive!" I snapped back.

"Are you sure?" He said and we looked down at the dog. It was small, black with small floppy ears. Its eyes were shut and its skin was wet but it looked just like Lucan. It's tiny tail flopped and it let out small whines as Elly cleaned it.

"It's so cute." I said and the tears that I had been fighting poured down my face.

"And alive." David said happily. He started fixing Elly's battle wounds and smiled at me. "You're a grandma now. How do you feel?" I swatted at him and smiled. Lucan crawled over and licked Elly's face before sniffing the puppy that had now latched itself onto Elly's nipple. We sat back and watched the family in awe.

"Miracles do happen." David said helping me to my feet.

"Not for some." I said looking up at the house at the top of the hill.

By mid week things had started to get better. Debbie was eating again and Elly had allowed us to move the puppy into the house so I could keep an eye on them. The kids, especially Aggie were sad about their lost sister and we all stood around the tiny grave behind the barn where all the lost babies were buried. Reverend Thomas said a prayer for baby Colleen's soul and we all through a rose onto the pink blanket she was wrapped in. We left Jacob to fill in the grave, as he had asked and we walked back to the house for lunch.

"It appears you have a visitor Susanna." Mother whispered to me and nodded up ahead. I looked up and a smile instantly broke over my face. It took all the strength I had not to run into his arms and cry out all of my sorrows. He stood wearing a black tunic and had a white rose in his hand.

"I heard about the baby." He said looking at me and then offering the flower to Debbie. She smiled at him and then to our surprise reached up and kissed his cheek.

"Thank you." She said and walked into the house. Aggie looked at me with raised eyebrows and I smirked at her. Mother shooed her inside and left the two of us out front of the house.

"Will you take a walk with me?" He asked and I all of a sudden felt nervous. He wouldn't ask me today would he? Surely he hadn't spoken to father yet? When we reached a fallen log at the edge of the woods we sat down. "How are you?" He asked, twisting a pair of white riding gloves nervously in his hands.

"Jesse what is it that you have to tell me?" I said placing my hand gently on his. He looked at it as if it were the strangest thing in the world and then sighed.

"I love you." He said and I smiled.

"I love you also."

"I don't ever want to be away from you. Whenever you are with me its like I can think of nothing but you." He took a deep and nervous breath and I bit back the excitement bubbling in my chest. "When I'm away from you my heart aches and I count down the moments until I see you again." He looked at me and his forehead creased. "I'm telling you this so you know exactly how I feel towards you."

"But Jesse you've told me this before." I said with a smile. "I know how you feel. And I feel the same way for you."

"Would you marry me tomorrow if I asked you?" He said looking at me with sad eyes. I blinked at him and smiled.

"Of course."

"Would you wait and marry me in ten years?" He asked again and I frowned.

"What is the problem Jesse?"

"Would you?" He said, grabbing my hand.

"You know I will wait for you until I die." I smiled. "Even after I died I would wait for yo-" His lips landed on mine with a fierce hunger and desire. He pushed against me so hard that his teeth scraped my lips and I pulled away. "What's wrong with you?"

"I'm leaving." He said and I shook my head.

"Pardon?"

"I'm…I'm leaving, tomorrow to fight in the King's Royal army."


	23. The Vacation House

**A/N: So I have had the worst writers block ever! Which is why it took so long for this update. I am very sorry. I have also noticed some inconsistencies and will try my hardest to clear them up. **

* * *

"You're leaving?" I said for the third time. He held my hands tightly and looked at me with a sad expression.

"Yes."

"But why? Why do you have to fight?"

"It's complicated." He sighed. "It's actually a great honour." He spoke with a smile but I knew it was a mask of the sadness below.

"An honour? How can fighting a _stupid _war be an honour?" I spat and he shook his head.

"I'm fighting as the king."

"As the king?" I blinked at him trying to understand and he sighed.

"The king injured his leg yesterday while we were hunting." Jesse said with a shrug. "His leg is in a brace and riding into battle would not only endanger his life but also the lives of the soldiers around him." He fell quiet and I waited for it. "Besides he is my best friend, the only one that I have had since childhood. I would give my life for him."

"Well isn't that convenient." I said jumping to my feet and pacing a few steps in front of me. "He uses your friendship to ensure his safety. You are left cleaning up the mess he has made while he gets to sit around and watch! What a coward!" Jesse grabbed my arm and held tightly.

"You mustn't say such things." He whispered looking around in the trees.

"Well he is! And I'll be happy to tell him so!"

"It is your passion that I love but telling him this would only make him angry and he doesn't think rationally when he gets angry. I can't lose you." Jesse said pulling me closer to him. I looked into his sad blue eyes and melted.

"What are you going to do?" I asked with a sigh and he smiled.

"I'll only be gone for three months and then I'll be back." He looked at our feet for a second, blushing slightly.

"Until you get sent off again to fight for the king because he'll have injured his ass by sitting on it too much." He smirked and kissed my hand.

"Well when I return home I was hoping that we could marry." I smiled at his nervousness and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

"I would love to marry you." I said with a smile and he kissed me. His lips pressed gently against mine this time, as if he were trying to savour the moment. When he broke the kiss I took a deep breath and held onto him tightly, for fear of my knees giving out.

"How much time do you have?" I whispered.

"I must leave by day break tomorrow to reach the shores by nightfall." He whispered back.

"Well then…" I took a step back and ran my hands down the dress, which I now realized was covered in blood and other repulsing liquids. "You must come in for dinner. Mother will make a grand feast." I said holding his hand tightly as we walked back to the house.

"I was hoping…" his voice was quiet but when I turned back to him he smiled at me. It was a smile that made my body instantly radiate with heat and that made my knees shake. It was a smile with a million possibilities but only one meaning. It was dangerous. I took a deep breath and shook my head.

"I can't. I am still a widow. I need to maintain a respectable reputation."

"Everyone knows how much we love each other and how we are going to marry soon." He said kissing my neck. "Why wait?"

"Excuse me sir, but I am not that type of lady." I said half playing and half serious. "What if, God forbid, something happens and I end up pregnant and you…well…if I end up alone?" I said putting my hands on my hips. He studied my face for a second and sighed.

"You're right." He said and gave me a wink. "But prepare yourself miss, because it will be a night you shall never forget." He said with a wink and I felt goose bumps break out under my blushing skin.

* * *

**I remember watching Jesse ride off the next morning with a slow pace. I could tell that he didn't want to leave and that at the sight of my tears his eyes had watered also. But he left me with the memory of his kiss and the dreadful feeling that I would never see him again. I slid the dress on, sighing at the baggy sleeves and the waist that was now too loose. I stared at myself in the mirror and sighed. Pale, tired and old. That was what I saw when I looked at myself these days. Gone were the days where I thought that any man would want me, would love me. As I brushed my hair over my shoulder there was a knock on the bedroom door. **

** "Come in." I said and a boy entered the room. **

** "Good morning Ms." He said bowing appropriately. **

** "Good morning." I said turning back to my sad reflection.**

** "His majesty has requested your presence at the vacation house." He said nodding again.**

** "Oh he did, did he?" I said looking back out the window scowling. I remembered my first time to the vacation house. I was so young and naïve. I was blown away by the glory of the place, by the richness of the grass and the sparkle of the ocean. I was a fool.**

Jesse had bee gone for a month. I knew because each night I would mark a little charcoal line on the side of Aggie's bed. 32 days he had been in battle for and I had received one letter. One letter that had three words: I love you. It had brought me to tears and I cried for a solid day.

In the month that he had been gone things had changed. Debbie was happier, moving around at a fast pace and acting like the baby had never existed. Reverend Thomas had proposed marriage to mother and she was over the moon, disgusting everyone with her happiness. Nathaniel had started walking all on his own and said the words "Mum, Papa and No". James and Jane had gotten married quietly in a small little church and danced under the night sky in a large field. The puppy, which turned out to be a boy was getting fatter every day. He was starting to move around more and explore his surroundings with Elly not to far behind him, while Lucan lay around watching them. As for the house…well we just left it and decided that when we were ready we would attempt to rebuild a home there. With mother moving in with the Reverend and I marrying Jesse it seemed silly to rebuild the house.

It was the hottest day of July and the kids had been laying around the house complaining of the heat and bothering their mother to the point where she was shouting at them. I had told them to chase me to the river and they all did. Nathaniel I carried in my arms for his chubby little legs would make it difficult for him to run down the hill without tumbling.

At the edge of the river we stood on the bank in a line. We stared at the cool water that reached my navel and on the count of three we jumped in. I held Nathaniel to my chest and knelt in the water startling him with the cold water.

He cried at first but Aggie and Samuel knew their brother well and managed to get him laughing within minutes. I placed Nathaniel on the other side of the riverbank where the water just covered the tops of my feet. He sat and splashed merrily as Samuel clung to my back. Aggie pretended she was a fish and with a little persuasion showed Samuel how to float on his back. For half an hour Aggie and I showed Samuel how to kick his legs and copy Lucan as he swam in circles around us, moving his hands back and forth and kicking his legs. He learned quickly, but got tired easily and when needed a break he rested on his back and let the river sway him back and forth as he floated.

"Auntie do you believe that mermaids are real?" Aggie asked me as she lay on her back and kicked her legs so that she floated in circles.

"Mermaids?" I said looking at her and showing Nathaniel how to splash in the water.

"Mother told me that there are mermaids that live in the ocean." Aggie said standing up and bobbing up and down as the tips of her toes collided with the sandy river bottom. I shook my head. Mother would think of some mystical creature. Since she had become so happy she was full of creatures and tales of adventure that she needed to share with the children. Leaving Debbie and I getting up in the middle of the night to screaming child with a nightmare of centaurs and dragons.

"I…I don't know what she means by mermaid." I said watching Samuel struggle up onto the riverbank.

"You know, the lady with the tail like a fish?" He said jumping off a rock as he imagined a lady with a tail might. I laughed and the two of them joined me.

"Mother said that they are supposed to be the most beautiful women in all the land." Aggie said pushing her soaked black hair out of her face.

"And they lure men in with their beautiful eyes." Samuel said squinting at me, attempting to make his brown eyes beautiful. I bit back a laugh and watched him swim towards me, rather sloppily.

"And then once the seamen fall for it, bend down and try to kiss the mermaids." Aggie said dreamily.

"And then the mermaid…_snatches_ their bodies and _drags_ them off to sea, where they are never heard from again." Samuel said splashing loudly and startling Nathaniel. He pouted but no tears fell from his face.

"I hear that there are men mermaids too." A voice said from behind us. We all jumped and turned to look at the tall figure coming through the bushes.

"Alexander!" I said my whole body filled with joy. Lucan jumped out of the water and raced towards him, spraying Alexander with water as he shook his fur dry. Without even thinking I wrapped my arms around him and when I stepped back his nice riding clothes were soaked. I covered my mouth as he chuckled.

"I'm so sorry! I was just so happy…I didn't think."

"It's quite alright." He said waving me off. He knelt down beside the soaked chubby baby and patted his damp blonde curls.

"Are the male mermaids called mermaids too?" Aggie asked moving towards Alexander. He smiled down at her and I noticed that he looked older. His face was no longer that childish face. It had been almost 5 months since I had last seen him and he was already turning into a man.

"Their called mermen. They can lure then men too." He said smiling brightly and I smacked him.

"Enough with the mermaids. Why don't you take Nathaniel up to the house for his nap and then we will have some lunch?" I looked at them willing them to object.

"Can we come back after we eat?" Samuel asked diving under the water again.

"Yes. But hurry now before he gets cranky." They scrambled out of the river and little Aggie, who was almost the size of Samuel, picked up the baby and the three of them trudged up the hill to the house. I turned to Alexander and raised an eyebrow.

"You're looking marvelous today." He said looking at my sopping brown dress. "Dressed to suit a king."

"Har har." I said. "How are you?"

"Wonderful. I have met the most wonderful man." He said linking my arm with his as I rolled my eyes. "Well he is more of a boy than a man really."

"A boy?"

"14 to be exact."

"Ugh. He's practically a baby."

"Only three years younger than ourselves." He defended and then gave me a smile. "He is very naïve and fresh." He said and I shivered.

"Can we discuss something other than what might actually get you killed one day?"

"Oh that reminds me." He said stopping at the bottom of the hill. "I have this for you." He reached into his damp jacket and pulled out a role of parchment with the royal seal on it.

"What is it?" I asked running my fingers over the familiar wax marking.

"A letter, from the king." He said smiling slightly. He was still weary about the king, this was evident by the way he studied the paper. "Well open it." He said and I jumped. My fingers slid along the soft fabric of the paper and I broke the seal. Alexander turned away and looked towards the house.

"He's invited me-"

"To the vacation house. Yes I know. He told everyone pretty much that he expected you to visit him while he was resting there. He said you promised him months ago." Alexander didn't look at me but I knew he was annoyed.

"It's not that bad Alex." I said rolling the parchment up and lifting my soaked dress as we climbed the hill.

"The man is in love with you Susanna. How much worse can it get?"

"He's not in love with me. He knows that I am going to marry Jesse." I said matter-of-factly.

"Jesse?"

"Yes, Jesse De Silva." I said looking back at Alex's puzzled face. "The king's right hand man."

"I know who he is Susanna. I just…it just doesn't make sense." He said looking forward but not actually seeing anything.

"What doesn't?"

"The way the king has been acting. He's so excited about you coming to visit him." He said turning to me. "It's the reason that made me believe that he wants you for himself."

"I have heard this before," I said with a smile. "But the king has made no advancement to indicate this to me. Unless I am completely blind to advancements, which I'm pretty certain I am not." I said ignoring the butterflies starting in my stomach.

"Well then, you have nothing to worry about." He said smiling at me. "Either way you have nothing to worry about because I will be escorting you there tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" I asked stopping in my tracks.

"Yes tomorrow. Didn't you read the note?" He asked with an amused expression.

"Why does he always give me commands on such short notice. What am I going to tell my family?" I said looking at the houses. "I have nothing to wear either."

"Don't worry." Alex said with a smile. "I have a dress for you. He heard about the fire and said that there is a seamstress making new gowns for you." He looked at me, his smile gone and I stared back at him. "Are you sure he hasn't made any advancements?"

"He wouldn't…" I said biting my lip. "He's best friends with Jesse. He wouldn't do that to him."

"He's the king. He can do what he wants and no one can stop him." Alex said and turned back to the house. "Come let's tell your family that tomorrow we leave for Scotland."

"Scotland?" I said feeling excitement grow in me at the thought of a new place, a new country to explore.

The trip to Eilean Donan castle was a long one. It took an entire day of travel. Alexander and I rose early before the sun and he offered me the delicately wrapped package with yet another dress in it. This dress was an exact replica of the dress that the King had given me for my birthday. It felt the same, looked the same and made me feel like the prettiest girl in the world. After we dressed we packed the carriage with the little luggage that I had. Lucan came with me but Elly stayed back with the puppy. Alexander rode with me in the carriage while a man drove it and we chatted about everything that had changed in the last 6 months. We crossed the border just before lunchtime and stopped for an hour to give the horses a break. As we passed through the green countryside I felt a sense of peace. As I watched the sparkling water in the lochs I sat back and rested my head. The sun was setting we reached the castle. I looked out the window and noticed that it was on an island with a large bridge connecting the two pieces of land.

"It's beautiful." I said pressing my face against the glass.

"It was built in the 13th century as a means of defense against the Danes. The island sits in Loch Duich, which meets Loch Long and Loch Alsh, and is connected to the mainland as you see by a footbridge." Alex said leaning close to me so he could see the castle too. It was a small castle compared to Windsor castle but it was much prettier with the glittering golden water surrounding it.

As we pulled up to the castle a trumpet was sounded and people stood out front. I blinked at Alexander and he gave me a sheepish look before he sat back in his seat.

"There are rules Susanna." He whispered.

"Rules? What rules?"

"Don't leave the carriage until I open the door for you. Curtsy when you see the king and don't look him in the eye. Everyone will be watching you." He said and the carriage came to a stop. I looked at the 30 or so faces staring back at me. I saw Adam standing on the front steps looking at me with a bright smile. He was wearing a kilt with a white tunic tucked into the waist. I smirked at his white legs that were brighter than his white socks and looked away.

"He's honouring the Scots, or so he says." Alex said noticing my smirk. "I think he just wanted you to laugh."

"Oh stop being so bitter." Alex gave me a look and then hopped out of the carriage. I sat and quickly slipped on the satin gloves that were given to me. Finally Alex opened the door and offered me his hand.

I grabbed onto it nervously, lifted my dress to step down and blinked into the bright setting sun. Alex led me to the King, where I curtsied and he bowed slightly. I smiled slightly and looked around at all the servants who were gathered around the entrance. They studied me curiously.

"Susanna, it's so good to see you." He said stepping towards me and gently grabbed my hand. He kissed it lightly and I became aware that Alex had backed away and was now standing by the carriage. He looked at Lucan who stood by my side and smiled slightly. "I see you have brought your…dog." I nodded and smiled at Lucan as I patted his head.

"I do hope that is alright? He doesn't like leaving my side." The king studied Lucan who stared back at him and nodded. "Please, let me show you around." He said, ignoring the dog and offering me his arm. I took it hesitantly and looked at Alex, who shrugged and turned back to the man driving the carriage.

As the king led us into the open doors of the castle the servants dispersed all whispering furiously and traveling closely in pairs. I became aware of his limp and smirked.

"Maybe it is I should be offering you my arm." I teased.

"A silly accident that doesn't seem to want to heal right." Adam said with a sad smile. "I was hoping that it would be better within the month but the doctor insists I stay off it and wear the stupid iron brace."

"Which you are doing neither of." I teased again.

"Well I had to greet my guest and show them around." He said smiling at me and looking around the great hall that we entered. There was a great winding staircase off to the side and three couches that were positioned in front of the fire.

The room was dark but had rich red rugs on the floors and rows of antlers mounted on the walls. I stopped and smelled a bouquet of flowers beside one table and smile.

"It's very nice." I said looking around.

"Lord Errol and his wife take care of the place while I am in England." Adam said studying a large buck that stared back from the wall.

"Where is Lord Errol now?"

"While I am here he goes to Edinburgh where he stays with his wife's cousin." He smiled at me. "Let me show you the rest if the castle." He held out his hand to me and I smiled slightly before grabbing onto it.

He took me through the entire house. He showed me the dinning hall, which was the same size as the great hall, with a large solid oak table and 10 chairs on each side. There was a fireplace to the right of the room and the door to the stood on the right side of the room. The kitchen was rather small for a castle. It was a room with an iron stove and a small wooden table with a washbasin on it and that was all. There was a thin wooden door that led out to the servant's quarters. He showed me the six bedrooms upstairs and the one bathing room that held a small porcelain tub and a dark wood table that held smelling salts and soft white towels. My room was located at the end of the hall.

It was a large room with a large bed in the middle of the room that was covered with dark green sheets and stuffed with goose feathers. The room had a dark wardrobe and a large mirror that stood beside it. But the best part of the room was the large window that took up majority of the far wall. It over looked the three lochs where servants were washing clothes, fishing for dinner or cooling off in the cold water. There were dark green drapes that had golden string stitched into it to make it glitter and a soft window seat, made of white silk with dark green pillows was placed in front of it. Lucan jumped up onto the bed and twirled in three circles before he lay down. He watched us with tired eyes.

"Its wonderful." I said feeling the silk seat. "Thank you for inviting me." I smiled and he nodded as he studied a painting of the flowers on the wall.

"I heard about that horrible fire at your house." Adam said studying the dog. A flash of that night came back to me and I closed my eyes.

"Yes it was horrible."

"Are you going to fix up the house?" Adam asked.

"In time I imagine we will but at the present no." I said with a sad smile and he nodded.

"I took the liberty of getting new dresses for you. I hope you do not mind." He looked worried and I smiled.

"I wish you hadn't spent all that money on me."

"It was nothing." He said and took my hands as he led me to the wardrobe. "I actually enjoyed helping with the designs."

"You designed them?" I said shocked and amused at the same time.

"Partly." He said with a smirk. "I chose the colour and the fabrics, the seamstresses did the rest. Go ahead, look."

I hesitated as I placed my hands on the golden handles. I slowly opened the doors and blinked at the variety of colours that stared back at me. There was all the colours of the rainbow in every different kind of fabric. There was lace and satin, silk and cotton. There were bows and beads, sparkles and golden threads. I gently reached out to a soft pink dress and ran the soft fabric between my hands.

"They're beautiful." I said with utter shock.

"They're all yours." He said quietly and I shook my head.

"I can't accept them. It…it doesn't seem right."

"It's a gift to one of my dearest friends." He said with a laugh. "I'll let you get introduced while I see what is being made for dinner." He said leaving me to my rows of dresses. I took them out one by one and studied them, wondering what I had done to deserve gifts such as these. I held up a dress to my body and twirled around the room. Lucan gave an exasperated snort and I turned to him.

"Don't you like them?" I asked him and he blinked at me. "It's just a gift from a friend nothing more." I said to he dog and he turned his head away from me as if the sight of me annoyed him. I gently patted his head and he licked my fingers. As much as I told myself it wasn't real, I couldn't help the feeling that all this was bigger than it seemed.


	24. War Brings Restlessness and Despair

The next day I woke to the sound of horses. I blinked at the sunlight that shone through the thick curtains and looked down at Lucan who was looking at the window with the same curiosity. I pushed back the covers and grabbed the green silk robe that was beside the bed and walked to the window. I pushed back the drapes and the pink sky was the first thing I noticed. It was pink and orange and yellow and blue all mixed into one with the rising sun. The sound of a horses cry made me look down and I saw three men struggling with a beautiful white horse. I watched as they wrestled it to the ground. I got a sinking feeling as I watched them tying her down. The oldest man yelled something to the boy and pointed to the small barn close to the bridge. The boy stared at the horse and that's when I knew. I raced from my room down the stairs and through the house. I pushed past servants who bowed to me and curtsied and gave me baffled looks. I pushed through the large doors that led to the gardens and raced past the king as he ate his breakfast with another gentleman in a blue jacket. I jumped over rose bushes and cut through shrubs and in the end I made it to the group as the boy came back with the shotgun.

"No!" I screamed and flung myself on the horse.

"Miss, excuse us." The man said.

"No you can not kill this horse." I said holding tightly to the horse's neck. It had quieted at my touch and lay breathing heavily.

"Get out of the way Miss." The man snapped through clenched teeth. I looked up at him and glared at him.

"No."

"Her leg is injured Miss." Another man spoke quietly as he bent down beside the horse. He gently ran his hand through her golden hair and gave her a sad smile.

"It can be fixed." I said not knowing if it were true or not.

"What's going on here?" The King's voice appeared behind me and the men instantly straightened up. I didn't move, afraid that if I did they would get their chance to kill the horse.

"Pardon us Your Grace, but Miss Simon will not let us put the beast out of its misery." The old man said.

"She is only in misery because she knows your going to kill her for a scratch. Something that _you _probably caused." I spat without looking at them. Everyone was quiet for a second and then I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Susanna?" He knelt down beside me and patted the horse's soft hair. "She's very beautiful."

"You can't let them kill her. We can fix it. I know we can." I said and tears filled my eyes. He studied my expression for a second and then looked at the horse. He sighed and shook his head.

"How bad is it Tad?" Adam asked and the kind man knelt on the other side of us. He lifted the mare's front leg and I saw the huge gash just above her thigh. A slow trickle of blood poured from the wound and the muscle underneath pulsed with her movements.

"It's bad sir."

"Is it treatable?"

"It will cost a lot of money and time. Someone will have to monitor the horse at all times."

"But it can be fixed?" I asked and the man called Tad sighed and nodded. I smiled and wiped the tears from my cheeks.

"You are in full charge of this horse. Make sure she gets all the treatment she needs and that she is treated well." Tad nodded but he didn't look too pleased about it. "Any updates or problems you report to Miss Simon here." I looked up at the sound of my name and the King nodded at me. "Congratulations Susanna, you are the proud owner of this horse. May she see many more long rides through the countryside. Now I must beg that you stand and go back inside and change." He said holding out his hands. At that moment I realized I was still in my dressing clothes and the robe. The men smirked around me and the man in the blue jacket stroked a pale mustache as he looked at me with squinting eyes. I took a deep breath, held my head high and curtsied before I left. I know I was going to the talk of the town for a while so as I passed through the gate to the garden I gave a high-pitched whistle and Lucan came running to my side. I smirked as I heard the men break into laughter.

As I pinned back the last loose strand of hair there was a knock on my door. I pinched my cheeks and then went to answer it. Alexander stood on the other side and smiled brightly as I opened the door.

"Hello!" I said smiling brightly.

"I am here to escort you to lunch." He said sticking out his arm. I smiled at him and took it. The woman who had been assigned to dress me lingered behind in the room.

"Are you coming too Mary?" I asked her and she blinked at me.

"Susanna, it's a special lunch." Alex said shaking his head with a smile. "Special invitations only." I frowned and looked back at Mary, who was probably about Debbie's age.

"Well I promise we'll eat breakfast together tomorrow then." I said with a smile and she nodded her head, but there was no hope in her eyes. I called for Lucan and we started off down the hallway.

"You make friends with the wrong people." Alex said.

"How so?"

"You might want to impress those with higher class, than those who clean out your bed pan."

"Poor or rich people are all the same and everyone deserves the same courtesy." I said and Alex chuckled.

"You are one of a kind." He shook his head again. "So what excuse do you give for your wonderful performance this morning?" I blushed.

"They were going to kill her."

"The cow you're about to eat for lunch was killed as well, are you going to run to the butcher and demand him to give you all of his cows?"

"No but, they were killing her for no reason."

"She's injured. It is going to cost the king a fortune to care for her and he's trying to win a war." Alex said with an irritated voice. I stopped at the top of the steps and looked down at him.

"Are you mad at me for trying to save an innocent creatures life?"

"I'm trying to make you see that sometimes you have to think about things before you act. That horse could offer many great things with his death. Meat to feed the mouths of your new friends babes." He said looking back down the hallway. "Leather for riding shoes for the men going off to war."

"You know as well as I do that the men are never offered new shoes in battle."

"Perhaps a pair of wonderful leather shoes for you." He said with a smirk and I cringed.

"Please don't make me vomit before lunch." I said linking my arm through his again.

"Just remember Susanna. You have been brought here for a reason."

"And what reason is that?" I said smirking.

"To be taught the ways of court and to create an impression."

"Why must I be taught the ways of co-"

"There you are." Adam said standing by the dinning room doors. He nodded at Alex, who offered my arm to him and disappeared into the darkness.

"I need to introduce you to my dear friend Lord Michael Meducci and his wife Lady Regan." He said pointing into the dinning room. Lord Michael stood and I noticed that it was the same man from the garden. I smiled slightly and nodded to him. He was a tall man with white hair and a white mustache. His eyes were blue and cold when they looked at you and there was no joy to his face. He stood erect and placed one hand behind his back while the other touched his mustache. Uncomfortable by his stare I smiled at his wife. She was an older woman with long black hair. She took was tall and thin and looked as if she hadn't smiled since she was a baby. Her dark brown eyes studied the pale blue dress that I chose to wear today and with a nod she turned away from me.

"It's nice to meet you." I said politely bowing my head to them and they copied my action.

"Lord Michael is my councilor and closest friend." He said with a bright smile and the old man stretched his face to attempt a smile.

"I am honoured, Your Grace." He wheezed.

"Please, let us eat now before I get a headache." Adam said placing his hand lightly on my back and steering me to my place. I sat to his right and Lord Michael sat on his left, with his wife beside him. They stared at something to my left and I became aware of Lucan's hot breath on my bare arm.

"Go lie down." I ordered with a snap of my fingers. He snorted in disappointment but did as he was told and laid by the door.

"He is well trained." Lady Regan said.

"Only when Susanna commands him." Adam smiled as he placing a starch white napkin on his lap.

"I rescued him when he was a tiny pup and since then he is attached at my hip." I said trying to ignore the blush on my face.

"He's quite the animal." Lord Michael said studying him.

"Yes, very ugly. But he protects our Susanna. So we let him stay." Adam said smiling brightly at me. I didn't know if I should be offended that he called my dog ugly or flattered that he cared. I smiled slightly and studied the bowl of green leaves that sat on a plate in front of me. It had sunflower seeds, strawberries and light oil dressing on it.

"What's the matter dear?" Lady Regan asked, leaning close to me.

"I…I have never eaten this before." At that they all burst out laughing, Lady Regan's laugh was the loudest.

"Never eaten a common salad? Where did you find this girl? On the streets?" She mocked and I blanked.

"No," Adam smiled but his cheeks were slightly red. "What she meant is that she has never had this particular salad before, right Susanna?" His eyes begged me and I nodded.

"Yes." I laughed. "Who thought to put Strawberries into a salad?" I asked as I dug my salad fork into the leaves and tasted the dull plainness of it. The strawberries were the best part but I suffered through it. And through the next dish which was a clam chowder soup with salted bread and fried mushrooms. And the next dish of stuffed chicken with baked potatoes, carrots and onions. And I could barely finish my dessert of chocolate pudding and a small glass of sherry.

When lunch was finished, the dishes were cleared and the table was bare Adam rose. His stomach was still as flat as if he hadn't eaten a thing. But when I rose I felt like I was months with child.

"Ladies, we must be excused. There is so much to talk about when a war is taking place." He said with a merry smile. He nodded to Lady Regan and kissed my hand. "See you at dinner?" He said and I smiled as I tried not to vomit at the thought of more food.

"Susanna, shall we take a walk? I'm afraid our King really out did himself and I am feeling extremely stuffed." Lady Regan said once the men were gone. She held out her arm for me and I hesitated for a second. All I wanted to do was go and have a nap. But I smiled bravely and took her arm and we strode out to the garden.

The garden was a maze of colours. The tall hedges outlined the walls so you couldn't see past to the lochs or fields around the castle. As you walked along the cobble pathway the colours exploded. The amount of flowers and plants in this garden took your breath away and instantly put you at peace. Lady Regan rambled on about her garden back in York and talked about how her sons used to play knights and dragons in the tall hedges.

"Do you have children dear?" She asked as she gently smelt a red rose.

"No." I thought of Andrew and the lie I had told. If it were true my son would be almost born. "My husband died a few months ago and a child was never produced."

"Oh a widow." She nodded and then gave me a sad look. "I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thank you." I said and moved away down to cement bench that was surrounded by tall yellow flowers.

"Where did you live?" She asked and when I looked at her puzzled she smiled. "When you were married I mean?"

"Oh we lived in Worcester." I said with a smile. "It's a lovely house, or it was a lovely house. It caught fire recently and I haven't had the heart to repair it."

"So where are you living now?" She asked me appalled.

"With my father and brothers." I answered hesitantly. Lucan started to growl as he sensed my uncomfort and this caused Lady Regan to jump.

"I did not mean to offend dear." She was talking to me but staring hesitantly at the dog. "I was just curious."

"Lucan, enough." I said and he gave one last growl before he walked to my side and sat down resting his head on my knees.

"Quite the animal." Lady Regan said. There was a loud trumpeting sound from far off in the distance and we all froze. A trumpet that was rushed was never a good sound.

"What do you think has happened?" I asked as I stood suddenly.

"It must be some news of the war." Lady Regan said.

"Shall we go and find out?"

"I imagine his highness will come to us directly." She said but never looked away from the house.

"Well…let's walk back to the house for a refreshment then." I said and walked ahead of her with Lucan trailing behind me. The sinking feeling in my heart made me feel like I weighed an extra ten pounds. Something was wrong, I just knew it.

As we strode into the house the servants were in a panic. They were standing around chatting with each other and gossiping. Some women were crying while the young men talked of getting their forces together and heading off to fight.

"What is it?" I asked a group of kitchen scullions but they gave me one look and fell silent. I sighed with frustration and moved on. I spotted Tad, the horse tamer and grabbed his arm gently.

"Tad. Please. What's happened?" He blinked at me and shook his head.

"The men are fleeing France. The war seems to be over."

"Over already?" I said and looked down the hallway at all the people. I thought of Jesse and smiled. "But that's good isn't it?"

"Half of the King's men were taken prisoner and it is because of them that there is a retreat."

"Oh…" My heart dropped.

"There's more. There is talk of the French coming to invade England." He said and with that everything faded away and all I could think about was my family. I had heard of what war does to a country. It causes poverty, and sickness. It brings evil and death.

"But they can't." I said, my eyes filling with tears. "They can't come here. Can they?" I looked for Tad, but he was gone. I looked around for someone to talk to; someone who would give me answers but everyone was in a frenzy. _Oh I wish everyone would just go away._ It was as if they all heard my thought, because everyone jumped and scurried from the hall. I was left standing by the study doors.

"Miss Simon." Lord Michael greeted as he and the King headed for the study. Adam gave me a sheepish look. His face was pale and his eyes were red. I reached out to touch him but Lord Michael took a step towards me and I retracted my hand. "His Grace has urgent matters that he must see to and shall do so in the privacy of his study." He snapped and stared me down until I moved out of the way. Adam studied my face as if I were going to disappear into thin air.

"Your Grace?" A man said from behind him. Adam looked at him and coughed. He nodded to me and went into the room, closing the door behind him and his councilors.

"Come now Miss." Mary said gently guiding me to the staircase. "Why don't you have a wee lie down." As she spoke I nodded but Adam's face had stuck in my mind. It was a look I had never expected to see on his face. It was a look of defeat.

A week passed before things started to feel normal again. People were still anxious to hear news about their loved ones or about the French invasion but they did it quietly. Riders came and went once every few hours and no one saw the King except for his councilors and his hand servants. To keep myself busy Alex would accompany me, when I walked Lucan, through the forest on the other side of the bridge. We would spend hours in the forest talking, while he was supposed to be tending to the King.

On those rare occasions that Alex was busy I would go to the barn. My horse was doing wonderfully for being a lost cause. Of course she laid around all day but when her muscles were healing, she needed to be off of them. And to keep her off her feet Tad would given her a sleeping draught, made from various plants. But when I came and visited her she would perk up and try to stand. I had taken to bringing things along with me, such as apples and sugar cubes as Tad told me she liked. Even Lucan liked her.

Lucan and I would sit in her stall, after I mucked it, and I would sing to her, or tell her stories as I would brush out her mane. She would be sleeping of course but there was something comforting in the feeling of the brush running through her think hair. Lucan would rest his head on hers and the two would fall asleep while I sat there for an hour and cared for her.

I thought of her name one day while I was changing the bandages on her leg. Tad was showing me how to do it and telling her that she was a brave girl every time that she whined. Her bravery made me think of Andrew, which then led me to think of Mother and her obsession with the Knights of the Round Table. I remembered her telling me about the bravest knight, Sir Pelleas. He was born of low birth but proved to be one of Arthur's bravest men.

One night while I was brushing out her hair and humming a tune Tad appeared at the stall.

"How is she tonight?" He asked bending down to pat Lucan's head. Tad was a tall man, extremely handsome with tanned skin and bright blonde hair both from being in the sunlight all day. He always smiled at me and never got angry. I liked to watch him with the animals because he was always calm and gentle and spoke to them in a language I could not understand.

"She is alright. She has been nipping at her bandage, but I suspect it is just the itch of new skin." I said as I patted her head. Tad poured the sleeping potion, which he carried in a wineskin at his side, into a bowl and held it to her mouth. She hesitated at first, knowing that it would bring a deep sleep but she drank every drop.

"What are we calling this beauty?" he asked as he stroked her braided hair.

"Pelleas." I said with a proud smile. "Or Lea for short."

"Lea. I like it." He said with a satisfied nod. "A pretty name for a pretty horse." Lea's tail flopped at the compliment and we laughed. We sat with her in silence until she fell asleep and then I draped a yellow blanket over her and we left the stall. It was dark out and tiny lightning bugs flickered in the air around us.

"Thank you for taking care of her." I said as we reached the path to the house. Tad lived stayed in the servant's quarters but he liked to go into town with the rest of the men for a drink.

"She's a great horse. It would be a shame to see her go." He said looking back into the barn. I nodded my head in agreement and we fell silent.

"Well good night." I said snapping my fingers to indicate to Lucan that he was to follow.

"Miss Simon?" Tad called and I turned around.

"You can call me Susanna." I said with a smile.

"Susanna. Are you going to marry him?" I stared at him stunned.

"Marry who? The King?" I asked and he looked down at his hands and nodded.

"No. He is just a dear friend." I said. Tad looked up and smiled slightly/

"Well I hope to see more of you then." He said and nodded before he walked down the pathway towards the town. I watched him walk and thought back to what Alex had said. Maybe everyone was expecting us to marry because the King had no other women in his life? Maybe they all assumed that he loved me, but in reality we were just dear friends? Then again…

Lucan's bark startled me and I smiled at him as I headed towards the house.

The day Lea started to walk was the hottest day of the year. The barn was unbearably hot and it was no wonder that she suddenly found the strength to walk. Tad put a bridle on Lea, which she struggled with for 20 minutes, and then let me walk her down to the water. She still wore the bandage and her walk was slow and cautious but when we got to the water she was more than happy to get a drink and to be cooled down with a tin bucket of water.

"Look at her." Alex said appearing beside me

"I know. She's so energetic now." I said patted her wet hair. She shook her mane and sprayed water all over my dress. It was a good thing that I had started to wear the plainer clothing. Light dresses made of dark purple or green so that if mud got on it, it could be hidden or wouldn't stain.

"I feel like going for a swim." Alex said as he stared out over the lochs.

"I agree. The water looks so inviting." The water was calmer today, due to the fact that there was no wind in the air. It sparkled with the sunlight and gently drifted from one loch to the other.

"I can't swim because I have to ride into Edinburgh, but why wont you swim?"

"Because I have to many things to do." I lied.

"What? Your dog is already in the water." He said looking out at Lucan who was swimming at a duck that was floating on the water. We watched as he attempted to catch it but it flew away right at the last second. "And your horse is resting in the shade." He spoke looking over his shoulder at Lea who had limped away and laid down under a large tree. I smirked at her and she gave me a quick neigh before picking at her bandage.

"Swimming suits were not something the King thought to make for me." I said sticking my nose in the air trying to sound stuck up.

"That is what your skin is for." He said, smirking at my shock and kissed my cheek. He had planted the idea in my head and I couldn't get it out, no matter how many times I splashed water onto my face. I looked around to see if there was anyone close. Trees and bushes guarded the area so no one would see me. It took a large black fly that liked the taste of sweat on my neck to make the decision for me.

I quickly undid the large purple buttons at the front of the dress and slid it off like a jacket. Underneath I wore a white dressing gown that was see through from sweat and slipped off my black riding boots. I hung the dress on the branch by Lea's head and took out the clasps in my hair. It fell down my back to the top of my bottom and stuck there. I took a deep, nervous breath and raced into the water. Lucan barked happily as I splashed through the cold crystals. I drove under the water and felt my body instantly relax.

I had never noticed before how much I loved to swim. It was the most relaxing thing in the world. The way the world went silent around you as you dove under the water. The feeling of your hair spreading out behind you like a tail and the stream of bubbles that brushed against your cheek as you let out all the air in your lungs. It was the best feeling in the world.

I broke the surface and inhaled deeply. Lucan was at my side licking my face and eating at the water. I smiled and splashed him to which he barked at me and started back for shore. I laughed and stretched out on the water, enjoying the feeling of the sun on my body and the water surrounding me.

Lucan's bark made me jump and I sat up. A figure was coming towards the water and it wouldn't take long for them to figure out that I was naked. I sunk low in the water and tried to cover myself as best as I could. When I saw his blonde hair my heart dropped. He looked at the sleeping horse and the sopping dog and noticed my clothes hanging from the tree. He shaded his eyes from the sun and looked out over the water.

"Susanna?" Adam called and I died.

"Yes." I said after a moment of silence.

"What in heavens are you doing?" He asked, but I could tell he was amused.

"Swimming." I said, trying to sound like I wasn't completely mortified. "It's too hot out today and the water looked so refreshing, so I just…went in."

"Without your clothes I see." He said looking back at the dress.

"Well I was afraid that I would ruin it. Or drown." I said and smiled when he started laughing.

"Well I send someone down with a towel for you. But I would like to eat dinner with you tonight, if you wouldn't mind." He said patting Lucan gently on the head as the dog smelled his pants.

"I would love to." I said still crouching low in the water.

"I'll send for you at six then." He said with a smile and a quick wave before he walked back up the hill. I groaned and flopped back into the water. That would've been awkward if he had come 10 minutes earlier. I splashed around in the water as I waited for the towel. Mary gave me a smirk as she held out the large, white soft towel for me.

"People will be talkin' 'bout this fer months." She said and chuckled.

"Why no one ever swims out here?" I said ringing out my hair. "The water is beautiful."

"No one swims out there alone." She said and helped me slid the stiff dressing gown over my head.

"Why? Are there scary mermaids?" I said with a laugh and Mary shook her head.

"No, well not that I know of." She held out the dress for me as I put my arms reluctantly into the sleeves. "It's called Lover's bay."

"What?"

"This area where you were just swimming. It's called Lover's Bay. It has been the result of many births over the years on this tiny island."

"Uh…well…I was out here by myself."

"Of course." She said with disbelief.

"It's true. Well of course my animals were here, but it was just me."

"Yet the King instructed me to bring you a towel." She raised her eyebrows and I burst out laughing.

"Oh my. That will be quite the seed for gossip." I said laughing I grabbed the reins and led Lea back up to the barn.

Mary pulled the last curler from my hair before the door knocked. "Come in." I said and Alexander stepped into the room.

"Will you always be the one to fetch me? I'm getting bored meeting the same people." I stuck my nose in the air and tried not to laugh as he appeared in the mirror behind me.

"Oh, my apologies your highness. But I just can't seem to stay away from you. It must be your beautiful face."

"Or her exceptional modesty." Mary teased and I smiled at them. I stood up and did a twirl.

"Well how do I look?" I said looking from one friend to the other.

They both stared at my outfit, which I had saved for a special day. This was the closest thing to a special occasion. It was a scarlet red dress that sat low on my shoulders. It had short puffy sleeves and a tight bodice. It had a small red bow at the bust and a large red sash that tied around the waist and formed a bow at the back. It swished when I walk and I accompanied it with the necklace the King had given me, which I still had never taken off. I wore my hair down with extra curls, due to Mary's excellent skill and I wore a headband that had red emeralds in it. The entire ensemble made my pale skin shine bright and my dark hair look richer. It was the only outfit I had been proud enough put together.

"I think you look beautiful." Mary said with a genuine smile.

"I think you simply exquisite. The King will not be able to look away." I smiled and nodded my thanks. "I think he will especially like Lucan's attire." He teased as he looked at the dog. I had made a red silk bowtie and tied it around the dog's neck and he was still trying to bite it off.

"If I had to get dressed up then so did he." I said with a smile.

"Something tells me that you enjoy getting dressed up more than he does." Alex said as he held out his hand for me. I curtsied and took it.

"So have you finally accepted that he loves you?" Alex asked as we walked down the long hallway. I thought about this for a second and sighed.

"Alright maybe he does. But he knows that I love Jesse. He knows of our plans to marry. So I don't believe that he is trying to _steal me away_ as you would want me to think."

"I just know that a King always gets what he wants."

"Yes but not our King Alex. Come now. He has never been unkind to us. We shouldn't think badly of him." I said, patting his arm.

"I hope your right dearest one because it's always the pretty ones who get killed and I am way to beautiful to have see an early grave." Alex said and I laughed. We were still laughing as we reached the stairs.

"Your Prince Charming awaits." He said and I smacked him gently before I walked to the dinning room doors.

"Oh Miss Simon. The King has arranged for you to eat in the garden tonight." A manservant said. He led me towards the garden and along the path until we came to a small table set for two in the middle of the garden. My stomach dropped a bit as I spotted Adam sitting at the table. He was holding a piece of paper and staring at it as if his life depended on it.

"Hello." I said, smiling despite the uncomfortable feeling growing in my stomach. Adam jumped and stuffed the letter into the pocket in his jacket. He stood up and stopped as he took in my dress. I smirked at his bare legs. He was wearing the kilt again only this time he wore a dress jacket with it. He studied my dress and hair and then blinked.

"You look…"

"Dashing, radiant, exquisite?" I teased.

"Beautiful." He breathed and I smiled as a blush rose from my chest to my face. "Uh, here. Have a seat." He said pulling out my chair for me. I smiled at him and gently sat down.

"This is nice." I said as my goblet was filled with red wine.

"I wanted it to be special." He said smiling at me. I blinked at him and was afraid to speak.

"Why?" I finally asked, but it came out no louder than a whisper. He studied my face and sighed.

"We'll save that for later. First lets enjoy a meal." He said and two waiters brought out two silver platters and placed them on the table in front of us. When the covers were lifted a pale grey blob was sitting on my plate on top of a bed of green leaves. I blinked at it and studied it. I felt Adam watching me and I was afraid to say anything. I smiled and picked up my fork and knife but I didn't know where to start.

"Um, just for curiosities sake, what is this dish called?" I asked in my sweetest voice. Adam smiled at me and cut into his dish.

"Its called Haggis."

"Oh I see." I said coping the way he cut through the tough meat.

"It's a Scottish delicacy." He said as he took a bite of the grey/brown meat.

"Oh I see." I bit into the food and the first thing I noticed was the salt. It was so salty that it made me thirsty. The next thing I noticed was the texture. I had the sudden urge to spit it out but I swallowed it and took another bite.

"Do you like it?" He asked and I nodded.

"It's wonderful." A lie.

"It's made of sheep. It's the sheep's puck, mixed with a variety of spices."

"What is sheep's puck?" I asked as I swallowed another horrible mouthful.

"The liver, heart and lungs." He said as I cut off another piece. I looked at the brown meat and a shiver went up my spine as I put it into my mouth. "It's mixed together with the spices and vegetables and stuffed into a sheep's stomach. Then boiled for three hours." Adam said and this time I could not keep the food in. I grabbed the napkin and spit it into the napkin.

"I'm sorry but that is horrible." I said and Adam burst out laughing.

"I agree. It is the worst food I have ever eaten." He said and motioned for the waiters to take it away. "But I thought it was worth the try." I shook my head as I washed my mouth out with the wine.

"So Susanna I have something that needs to be discussed before we go any further." And there it was. The thing that I had been avoiding, telling myself it wasn't true. He stared me in the eyes and gave me a small smile.

"Before you speak may I?" I asked and he nodded.

"I appreciate everything you have done for me. I really, truly do." I said and he sat back and folded his arms over his chest. "But I must admit that I am in love with Jesse. When his three months serving in the war is over he is coming home and we are to be married. But now that the war is ending we might get married sooner." I said drifting off into the possibility of the next few weeks.

"I don't think that is going to happen."

"I mean I appreciate everything you do for me and I do love you, just not in the same way." I said with a sad smile and he stared at me shocked. "Wait. What did you say?"

"I don't think your wedding is going to happen." He said sadly. He reached into my pocket as I exploded.

"You can't tell me who I can and cannot marry. Everyone told me this was going to happen but I never believed them. I stuck up for you and told them that you would never stop anyone from marrying someone they love, especially your best friend. Yet here you are- why are you giving me a piece of paper!" I snapped as he handed me the sheet he had been studying.

"Read it." He said and his eyes were suddenly tired. Or maybe they had always been tired and red and I was just noticing now. I carefully took the paper and pushed open the broken seal. My eyes skimmed the letter. Two sentences stuck out and were forever burned into my mind.

_Commander DeSilva is missing. We must assume that he had been taken prisoner and is now dead. _


	25. It Gets Easier

**A/N:** So I haven't written in a while and I'm truly sorry. My poor story has been seriously neglected. But college isn't as peachy as they make it seem. I am a Journalism student and this year our entire focus is on writing the paper so you constantly have to be worry about getting news story ideas. And by the time that I'm done writing those stories I forget all about this one. But I am going to try my hardest to get this story back into a consistent flow. Thanks for being patient. :D

* * *

I rolled over and blinked at the sunlight that was streaming through the windows. Someone had come in and opened the blinds. I sighed with frustration, threw back the covers and slammed the blinds closed. I jumped back into the bed and noticed that Lucan was gone. He had been leaving me a lot these days. He got tired of listening to my sobs and woes so he would disappear off into the forest to hunt small animals.

I buried my face in the pillow unable to cry. The room smelt awful. It was stale and musty. It needed fresh sheets and a cool summer breeze but I could not get out of bed. It was just too hard. Every time I looked at myself in the mirror I saw a sad lonely girl who had lost her one true love. I pulled the blankets up over my head and told myself to sleep. But even in my dreams he was there. His smile, his blue eyes and even his strong tanned hands.

As I tossed to the other side I heard the sound of the door creaking open. I frowned at the thought of being bothered.

"Go away!" I snapped without even looking up from the blankets. "I don't want any food. I don't want to go outside. And I don't want anyone to make it better! Just leave me in peace."

"Oh Susanna." Her voice was sweet like honey and it was what made my heart beat with happiness. I threw back the sheets and burst into tears, which I shouldn't have had. "Oh my poor girl." Debbie said as she threw her arms around me.

"I-I-He's dead." I sobbed onto her shoulder and she brushed my long, greasy hair back.

"Sh…it's ok." She said and rubbed my back as I sobbed. After a while I stopped crying and sat up.

"Why are you here?"

"The King sent for me." She said smiling sadly. "He told me of your…well he told me and I knew that you wouldn't allow anyone to see you but us. So mother and I fought over who would come and in the end I won." She smiled brightly and I laughed and wiped my dripping nose. She handed me a clean handkerchief and smiled at me.

"I-can't-do-anything." I hiccupped.

"Yes you can. You need to get up. Jesse loved you because you were strong and determined. He didn't love you because you laid around and didn't wash for months."

"It hasn't been months." I said wiping my eyes.

"Well it's been almost a month. You look like you've turned into a scrawny twelve year old again." She teased and brushed the hair from my face.

"How do you do it?" I asked, feeling tears in my eyes again. Her eyes teared too for the children she had lost and she shrugged.

"You just realize that there is so much more life left. Dwelling on the dead makes you die too and people need you." She smiled and wiped a tear from my cheek. "They rely on you. I know I have three tiny people at home who can't wait to see their favourite aunt."

"I'm their only aunt." I said.

"Not for long. Bradley has brought home a woman for us to meet."

"Gina?"

"No. She…no." Her smile fell and her face was sad. "You know how your father is. He would never allow it."

"He's ashamed of his son."

"His ashamed of the bastard." Debbie said with a sigh. "Lets not talk about it." She pushed back the blinds again and I blinked against the light. "Come you need a bath."

"No. I cant." I whined, reminding myself of Samuel after he would play in the mud.

"You need to get clean or you'll start attracting the flies." She said smiling. She rummaged through my wardrobe and pulled out a white dress with yellow flowers stitched into it.

"Its too soon for white." I said tossing back the covers.

"Well you don't have anything black." She said as she pushed things aside. "There's this?" She pulled out a white and black dress. The dress was white satin with large black stripes on it. It had black sleeves and a long black train.

"Do you think we can dye it?"

"Susanna, you cannot ruin a beautiful dress like this. It is offense to the King and to the dress." She said admiring it. I shook my head at her.

"You realize the love of my life died right? What should I care who I offend?"

"Because you still have so much life ahead of you."

"What's the point when he's not going to be there to share it with me?" I yelled and threw myself back onto the pillows. Her hands were on my shoulders and she coaxed me up into a sitting position.

"Suze, he will be there. Every step you take he'll be right beside you. On you're wedding day, when you birth your first son, when you cry because he has scraped his knee and wants you to fix it. Jesse will watch over you for the rest of your life and wait for you in Heaven." She said. It all sounded wonderful when she talked like that. I shook my head and looked at the dress.

"There's a black hat in there that I will wear with this." She smiled at me and shook her head.

"If you're going to mourn you might as well do it with style." She said fetching the hat. She tossed it on my bed beside the dress and pulled me from the tangled sheets. She pulled me down the hallway to the bathing room and I was met with hot steam.

"Arms up." She said, as if I were one of her children and I did as she said. She led me to the large ceramic tub in the middle of the white room and helped me step into the hot water. I cringed at first but the warmth was welcoming to my stiff muscles. I laid down in the tub and dipped my head into the warm water. When I resurfaced Debbie poured soap onto my head and started to scrub my hair. Mary took a brush and scrubbed down my body while another maid tending to my nails and face.

Within the hour I was clean. My hair was up in a neat but and the small lace veil of the hat covered my face. Debbie, who wore a pale blue dress that was borrowed from the tailor, held my arm every step of the way until we reached the garden. Lucan came running up to me when he saw me and licked my hands excitedly. He had been chasing the birds that were eating the corn in the field. Debbie led me out to the stable and I saw Lea running circles in the small pen where the other horses were running. Men were standing in front watching her, but I walked right past them, without Debbie's help and went to the fence.

Lea walked right up to me and nuzzled me excitedly. She knew that I always carried treats but today I had forgotten.

"Oh my darling. I'm sorry." I said as I kissed her nose.

"Here try this." Adam said standing beside me and giving me the ripe apple that he had been eating. I nodded and gave it to my horse. She neighed happily and trotted off to join the others.

"How are you feeling?" He asked. He was dressed as a commoner, ready for mucking the stalls. I felt like I was the King and he the common girl.

"Debbie has forced me into daylight." I sighed and he smirked looking back at my sister.

"She's a wonderful woman. We have missed you around here. Especially the chef. Lucan keeps getting under his feet when he's cooking and he only listens to you." Adam laughed.

"I'm sorry. I just…" I didn't finish my sentence and by his face I knew that he understood.

"It took me a week to tell you. It was hard for all of us." I nodded and we fell silent. This had been such a promising vacation.

"I hope I have not ruined the summer for you." I said studying my horse.

"No, those blasted Frenchmen have. They took my best friend. They killed my people and are planning on attacking my country." He shook his head. "I'm sorry. But sometimes it makes me so angry."

"But why did you start this war?"

"Because they went back on their word."

"How so?"

"It's a long story." He sighed and I touched his shoulder.

"I've been asleep for a long time. I have all the time in the world."

"About a year ago it was arranged that I would marry the King's oldest daughter. He has three you see, and no sons. So it was agreed that I would marry his oldest daughter and together we would rule both England and France and that way the throne wouldn't pass over to the King's greedy younger brother. But 4 months ago it was discovered that the girl had secretly wed a young pageboy during the night and our agreement was lost. The King tried to force his other daughters on me but they were children. Girls of 14 and 12. I wasn't about to stoop so low." He snarled as he talked and I shook my head. "The only option was to show that I was angry with them and that meant war. But now we are fleeing and it looks as if I am a horrible King for sending men off to war over a stupid marriage."

"It's not stupid. You were betrayed. You have to show them that you are not soft. That they cannot do things like that to you." I turned to him and touched his arms. "You are the King of England and everyone loves you. Show them how great you are." I said and he smiled and kissed my fingers.

"Why couldn't you be a rich princess with a million men who would fight for me?" He asked and I smiled and then the idea came to me.

"But we have men. Many men." I said and he blinked at me.

"Susanna, I don't think you understand."

"No they may not be men of status or men who have been trained in the art of swordplay but they are brave men who know when they must fight. Offer large rewards to any man who is willing to fight. Promise animals and land to those who have naught." He studied my face and a smile burst onto his face.

"Why couldn't you have been a man?" He asked next and I laughed.

"Because then your love for me would be illegal." I said and he laughed.

"Don't not leave me ever!" He laughed and I shook my head.

"From the state of those covered chairs I would guess that we are leaving on the morrow." I said with a sad smile.

"It is true. The summer is at an end. But I promise I will see you soon."

"Not too soon. I've had enough of you for a while." I laughed as he swung my arm through his and we walked towards the house.

**I flew at my closets; tossing everything I had into trunks and having my maids refold them. These days I found anything I could to make life difficult for him. He sprung this surprise trip the vacation house on me and expected me to drop everything. What a man! He would give me the same excuse, "but darling it's Christmas time. It's lovely there. We'll be a real family again." Only he would stay in town until Christmas day, watch everyone open presents and leave. Oh how I hated that man. I wish I had never laid eyes on him. If I had one day that I could take back it would have been 17 years ago.**

The snow was falling softly outside and the children were dying to go out and play. Debbie had told them that she would take them out after she finished plucking the turkey but they would not wait.

"I'll take them out to play." I said putting on a pair of woolen mittens on my hands. "I haven't been to see Lea in days anyways." I gave each child a sugar cube and we put on our warmest coats before heading out into the fresh snow. Samuel screamed a warrior's cry and ran into a snow bank. Aggie rolled her eyes and lifted her tongue to the sky.

"Snowman?" Nathaniel asked as he tugged onto my hand.

"We'll see." I said.

"The snow isn't right for it Nate." Aggie said picking up a pile of snow and trying to make a snowball. "It's not frozen enough." She tossed it into the air and Nathaniel giggled at the extra snow. We tossed tuffs of snow at each other as we walked down the hill towards the barn. It was dirtier down here because the men were always heading out to town or using the wagons for work.

"Aggie, let's have a race." Samuel said with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

"Alright Sam." She said smiling back.

"No cheating," I said catching both of them by their coats. "Ready, Set, GO!" I shouted and Nathaniel jumped up and down as the two children raced to the barn together. They were getting faster every day. Aggie was a little bit faster due to her longer legs but Sam was growing fast and soon he would be taller than her. Another sign that she was not his true sister.

Nathaniel and I slowly raced each other down the hill and he screamed as I picked him up and ran down the hill with him in my arms.

"Whoa there." David said as he came out of the house. "You almost knocked me over kid." He said rubbing Nathaniel's blonde curls. My baby brother was now officially a man. He was taller than me, had a deep voice and a small cluster of red hairs on his chin. My brother's would tease him about it but I loved it. It gave him character.

"Uncle Dave, we're going to give Lea this." Sam said showing the tiny little white square in his hand.

"Wow. Hey can I go with you?" he asked then turned to me. "There's a visitor for you." He smiled at me and I rolled my eyes. I didn't need to see the magnificent black stallion being led into the barn to know whom it was.

"How long has he been here for?"

"About 10 minutes. He's in there talking to father and Jacob." David said smiling again. He took Nathaniel from my arms and chased the kids into the barn. I watched them run off, squealing at the thought of being caught and laughed before I went into the house.

"Absolutely," my father said. "It would be my honour."

"What would be your honour?" I said unbuttoning my coat and slipping off the gloves.

"Susanna!" They all jumped and Adam smiled at me. I raised my eyebrows and Adam shrugged.

"I asked if I could attend your Christmas dinner." He said.

"Don't you have a fancy ball to go to?"

"No one will notice if I am missing." He said, even though we all knew that he was the main attraction. "Besides next year I'll throw a huge feast no one will remember the year I didn't show up."

"But wont your family miss you?" I asked as I poured the hot tea, sitting on the table, into an empty mug.

"I'm getting the strange feeling that you don't want me at your Christmas dinner Susanna." He said.

"Well it would be the first time you were right." I said with a playful smirk and sat beside the fire. My father gave me a stern look and Jacob shook his head, as they did every time I talked to Adam in a less than formal way. "I mean of course Your Grace. We would love for you to attend our small, simple Christmas feast." I said bowing my head and then taking a sip from my tea.

I loved that feeling of being cold from an afternoon in the snow, and then having your stomach warmed by a hot cup of tea or soup. I sighed and stuck my legs out in front of me to warm them by the fire. I was wearing my black winter gown, specially made since I was still in mourning but I had accompanied them with bright red stockings, which I knew Jesse wouldn't have had a problem with. They kept my feet warm and made me smile when I saw them. Of course father would scold me with a cough and Jacob would do something to distract Adam's attention away from my shameful ways. But to me this made me laugh and Adam always seemed to find the amusement in these situations.

Since the end of that horrible summer Adam had visited us a lot more than I had ever imagined would happen. He would come by at least once a week and one time he stayed over for three whole days before deciding that it was better to ride back to the castle and make an appearance. Since that summer he had changed.

Every plan Adam has concocted for the war had fallen through and now thousands of homes were starving and men were being slaughtered from left to right. Not only had Adam lost his best friend but he had also lost his spirit, his country and about 25 lbs. He was very thin, always looked tired and he tended to zone out and not pay attention to things that were going on around him.

"So what are you cooking for dinner tonight?" Adam asked as he sat in the rocking chair by the fire. I looked up at him and raised my eyebrows.

"If we're lucky she wont have touched anything." Jacob teased and ducked as I through a small piece of wood at his head.

"Susanna, please." Father scolded. "Once again your highness I'm sorry for her childish behaviour." He said shooting me a look.

"No, no. It's quite all right. I grew up with no siblings so seeing siblings interact with each other always fascinates me."

"Yes well. My daughter should remember that even if His Royal Highness were not here she shouldn't throw things that could harm someone else."

"Besides its our last piece of wood." Jacob smirked and father sighed with defeat.

"Well then you better go and cut some." I said to Jacob and when my father was not looking I stuck out my tongue. He smiled and tossed the chunk of wood back and it landed in the fire. We burst out laughing and Adam smiled politely.

"Don't you have something to do that is productive Susanna?" My father grumbled as he put on his coat.

"You want me to work while I have a guest?" I pretended to be shocked. "Father are we forgetting our manners?"

"Listen Miss…" He started but Adam cut him off.

"Its alright Susanna. Show me what to do and I'll help out." We all stared at him like he had just sprouted an extra head.

"I'm sorry but pardon?" I let out a laugh.

"I would like to help out in whatever way I can." He said and looked sincere about it.

"Well…" I looked around the house and met Jacobs's shocked expression. "Debbie might need help with the vegetables. We're eating in their here tonight so we might have to clean up a little." I said looking at the old hay on the ground.

"The boys are going to lay out the fresh hay and get the table set up. You just worry about the food." Father said as he opened the door and headed out to the barn.

"As a good woman should." I grumbled and Adam smirked.

"Self-pity is not a good look for you Susie." He said as I wrapped a scarf around my neck and buttoned up my coat.

"Yes well…Depression is not exactly your best colour." It slipped and I instantly bit my tongue. I took a deep breath and turned to him. "Adam I'm sorry I didn't mean to…"

"It's alright." He said with a sad smile. "I expected at least one person to point out the fact that I had to get my entire wardrobe replaced with smaller clothes." He buttoned up his coat, which was also made of black wool with bright silver buttons.

"It's not that noticeable." I lied. "I think I noticed because you're always here. " I pushed open the door and we walked out into the falling snow.

"It's harder than I ever thought it would be." He said with a sigh.

"What is?"

"Being a King." He shook his head and frowned. "I can't eat because I know that so many mothers are starving just so their babes can eat. I can't sleep because I'm haunted by the ghosts of the men that I sent off to war. I can't smile for I fear that I am betraying my only friend who know lies in a frozen grave in France." He sighed and I felt tears in my eyes. We were silent for a second as we walked up the hill.

"He's not your only friend." I said linking my arm through his. He looked down at me with tired brown eyes and smiled.

"Yes thankfully. I think that is why I seek out your company every day. You are the closest thing to him that I have and I can't seem to part with it." He smiled and looked up at Jacob's house on the hill.

"Well my family loves having you here. So you can come and visit any day." I said and he smiled again. He broke apart from me and walked towards a tiny tree that the children had hung decorations they had made from pieces of wood that would not burn and various pinecones. "All this sadness though, it must be hard for your system. You need to have a little more fun." I said bending down and picking up a mitten full of snow. His shoulders were heavy and I could tell he was frowning, but since his back was to me I could not see his face.

"It's hard to have fun when so much is not funny." He said. I paused for a moment and then pounced. I lifted the back of his shirt and through the snow down it. He shouted at the instant cold and squirmed away from me. His face was beat red and I couldn't help but smile. I burst into laughter and bent over. Without even realizing it he retaliated by doing the same thing to my and my back instantly convulsed to get away from the cold.

It was his turn to laugh this time and he stared at me with a challenge in his eyes. I pouted and picked up a pile of snow and attempted to throw it at him. But because the snow was too fluffy and he was too far away the attempt was a fail. It went everywhere and anywhere but on him and he only burst out laughing more. He picked up his own pile and threw it so hard that it hit me square in the face. I gasped and shrieked and ran at him with my own pile of snow. He turned to avoid getting hit with snow and I jumped onto his face and shoved the snow in his face. He grunted and gasped as I rubbed my mitten all over his face. He jumped backwards and landed in the snow with me still clinging to his back. He rolled over and I pushed snow onto his face again. He grabbed my coat and pulled me towards him and started burying me in the snow. I shrieked as the snow started seeping into my clothes. I grabbed onto his hands tightly and he struggled with me for a second but stopped.

This was when I became aware of how close he was. His head was inches above mine and it had changed in a matter of 10 minutes. His eyes were bright and his cheeks were pink. He studied my face as if he were going to forget it. Then slowly he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. As if they had never been apart our lips instantly picked up from the last kiss. It was gently and steady then heated and rough. It was full of lust and passion and desire. It made my stomach turn, my head go light and my body go numb. But then there is that moment when something has to be said. And he said it. The big something that I never wanted to hear.

"Marry me." He whispered against his lips. It took my three long seconds to realize what he said and when I did I instantly stopped kissing him.

"What?"

"Marry me." He said again and pulled his head away from mine to look down at me.

"I cant-I don't-What!" I pushed him off of me and sat in the snow.

"Susanna, don't freak out." He sighed picking up a pile of snow and letting in fall through his gloved hands.

"You ask me to marry you and then expect me to remain calm? You know how hard it has been for me to lose Jesse. I still love him, in fact I'll always love him."

"I know."

"If you know then how dare you put me in a position where I have to remember it all and hurts us all that much more." I said standing to my feet and feeling my face go red with embarrassment and anger.

"Susanna, you are my best friend." He said before I could storm off. I paused and stared at him. "I know that you love Jesse, that I will never be him. But I am not getting any younger and you are the only one that I can even stand to have in my presence." He said sadly still sitting in the snow. I sighed and plopped down on the snow beside him.

"There are tons of young girls out there who are willing to marry you. Hell there's tons of old women how are willing to marry you." I said wrapping my arm through his and grabbing hold of his hand.

"Yes but there are none that are willing to marry me for being myself. They love me for my money or my beauty, not for my humour or charm."

"You're head is going to pop soon." I teased and he smiled at me. "You are the only one who knows me, who tolerates me, who has stuck with me through this tough time." I looked down at my mittens and sighed.

"I know I'll never be Jesse. I'll never fill the void just like you can never offer me the same companionship that he did. But at least I want to try and fill the void halfway, so it doesn't hurt so much." He said and I sighed.

"Adam. I know it hurts but it will get better." I smiled slightly. "I just…can't." He watched my face for a second and sighed.

"At least think about it." He said and flicked snow into my face. "It could be a lot of fun." He stood up without waiting for my answer and held out his hands for me. I shook my head and grabbed onto them and together we laughed as we walked up the hill.


	26. Christmas Dinner

An hour later Debbie had us in dry clothes peeling potatoes and telling us stories of past Christmases. The kids came into the house with a bundle of noise and demanded that someone help set up the other house because the boys had no idea what they were doing. I looked at Debbie and she shook her head.

"Alright! We're coming!" She snapped and took off her apron and handed it to Adam.

"When that pot starts to bubble take the lid off and lift it to the higher notch on the grate. Aggie and Samuel you help peel the potatoes. Aunt Susanna and I will be back in half an hour." Adam stared at the apron as if it were a monster and looked at me.

"You wear it so you don't get any food on your clothes." I said laughing.

"Oh right. Like this?" He said pretending to be a woman and tie the apron on delicately. I shook my head and put on my soaking wet coat. "So what do I do if something goes wrong?" He asked fluffing out the apron as he sat down.

"Ask Aggie and send Samuel down to get us." Debbie said as if it were no big deal. She kissed Nathaniel's damp curls and blew kisses to the other too before she left the room. I smiled and followed her, shutting the door behind me.

"That's pretty risky leaving him in there." I said as we carefully walked down the hill.

"I know but I need at least one adult to watch them. And plus I wanted to talk to you…alone."

"Ugh, you saw didn't you?"

"Of course I saw. You kept shrieking. It was a miracle that your brother or father didn't see you two." She said as if she were scolding me. But then she looked at me with a sly smile and I shook my head.

"It was nothing."

"My dear I have always told you that he is in love with you."

"No you haven't."

"Well I thought about telling you but I guess I never got around to it." She smiled and opened the door. The men were all yelling at each other about where to put the table. Debbie leaned against the doorway and crossed her arms while I raised my eyebrows and smirked. David noticed us standing there and sighed.

"Thank God you're here. Papa doesn't know what he's doing." David said and dropped his end of the table, which then landed on Bradley's foot and he cursed loudly. I bit back a laugh and Debbie sighed with frustration.

"You give them a simple task and they always find a way to make it impossible." I giggled and they all gave her a sour look. "Well out…get out. We've got 30 minutes before that turkey's ready.

"Great because I promised John that I would stop by with his Christmas gift." David said as he raced past us.

"You really are the best woman out there." Jacob said as he kissed his wife.

"What am I? Chopped liver?" I said pouting and he smirked before he kissed my cheek. Bradley grunted a thanks and papa kissed us both before he disappeared outside. Debbis shut the door and looked around at the fresh hay that lay across the floor in a mess and the long barn table that was placed oddly in the middle of the room.

"Lets start with the table. You grab that side and I'll grab this side." She said and together we started putting the room together. We placed the table properly in the middle of the room with enough mismatched chairs for everyone to sit in. Then we covered it with a white bed cloth and placed four pink candles down the middle with little boughts of holly. Debbie pulled out the Christmas china and each adult got a plate, bowl and cup where as the children got wooden ones.

"So tell me how was it?"

"The kiss?" I asked feeling my face blush.

"No the snow fight. Of course silly girl." She said smiling as she placed a napkin beneath the cutlery.

"It was…" She raised her eyebrows and I sighed. 'It made me realize how much I've missed being kissed." I laughed.

"That good huh?" I smiled and she shook her head. "He looks like he'd be good at it." I laughed and then we fell silent. As I studied one of the children's place settings I remembered what he had said and I sighed.

"He asked me to marry him." I said and she dropping one of the knived on the floor.

"He did what?" She asked and sat down in a chair.

"Asked me to marry him."

"But…how…is that even allowed?"

"I don't know. I guess because he's the king…"

"I could've sworn that they had to marry someone with nobel blood or else forfeit the throne."

"I don't know." I shook my head and sat across from her. "He just asked me."

"Well how about that then. Our Susanna, the Queen of England." She said proudly.

"I said no."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I said no."

"Why would you do such a thing? You turned down the King of England? Are you really that stupid?" She stood up and her face went dark red.

"Debbie I can't marry him. It wouldn't be right. I still love Jesse."

"So you're never going to marry then?"

"Many women have done it before."

"Yes and shamed there families in the process. My children look up to you. You have to set good example."

"I never asked to be idolized by your children. But this is my life and I wont marry anyone that I don't want to." I yelled and turned away from her. She was silent for a moment and then she sighed. She knelt in front of me and touched my cheek.

"It is your life Susanna and no one can tell you how to live it." She smiled sadly at me. "But your holding onto a ghost dear. Here is a real live man who can love you and give you the world and your waiting for a ghost." I was shocked. I had never thought of it that way before.

"But what if he isn't dead?" I asked, tears filling my eyes.

"Susanna…he is. And you have to realize that before you're life slips away and your only chance at happiness disappears."

"I've already done that." I said letting the tears fall.

"Yes you have already done that. Don't do it again." She kissed my cheek gently and gave me a tight hug. "If you really don't love him then don't do it. But don't say no because you're still waiting for Jesse. He's not coming back for you. At least not yet and pray to God that it wont be for a while." She smiled sadly and wiped my tears. She left me sitting with a dirty napkin and a million different thoughts.

The room was full of noise as we sat down for dinner. It was warm and cozy with glittering candles, a crackling fire and the table full of food. The kids licked their lips anxiously. After going most of the day with minimal food they were starving. Aggie sat beside me and Samuel was on the other side of Adam. She barely spoke a word while Samuel went on and on to Adam about his snowman that he built.

"Oh Samuel, please stop talking about the snowman." Debbie sighed as she put the last bit of sauce on the turkey.

"Yes Samuel, His Grace doesn't need to be bothered with your chatter." Jacob said rubbing Samuel's curls. He blushed slightly and shrunk down. My heart dropped for the little boy. He was so excited about his snowman and his parents were ruining it.

"I don't mind." Adam spoke up before I could. "Maybe after dinner you can show me this snowman?" The look on Samuel's face was enough of a Christmas present anyone could ask for. He practically was beaming with joy.

"It's really good. I can show you how to make one like it. I am the snowman expert."

"Yea right." Aggie mumbled and rolled her eyes.

"I am." Samuel argued back. "I know more than you do."

"Do not! I'm older."

"So I'm a boy and boys know more!" With that the men snorted and Debbie scowled.

"Men wouldn't survive without us women there." She said with a nod and I smiled.

"Oh is that so?" Jacob asked with an amused smirk.

"Men don't know the first thing about child bearing, or rearing a child for that matter. And when was the last time you cooked a turkey like this?" She gracefully placed the turkey on the table and everyone's mouth instantly watered. She sat across the table from me beside Bradley and placed Nathaniel on her lap.

"Lets say Grace." She said holding her hands out to Papa and Brad. I smiled at Aggie and grabbed onto her hand and Adam's. He tensed for a moment but when the prayer started he relaxed and even said some of the words.

"Amen." Everyone said in unison and the sound of plates being passed filled the room.

"Your Grace would you like to carve the turkey?" Papa asked holding out the knives to Adam. He looked at me and then at the rest of my family and smiled.

"That is a honour meant for the man of the house."

"It would be our honour for you to cut our turkey." Papa gushed and I shook my head. All this attention was going to make Adam's ego enormous. He smiled at my father and gently took the knives.

"I have to admit," he said pausing before he made the first cut. "I have never done this before."

"Well this is the year for taking chances and trying new things." Debbie said eyeing me with a slight smile. Adam never missed at thing and he looked at me curiously.

"Here I'll show you." I sighed and placed my hands on his. I gently stabbed the turkey and started sliding the knife through the tender flesh. "See it's easy." I smiled and he smiled back. Then I realized everyone was watching and took my hands off as if his hands were burning coals. I sat back down and tried to hide my blush by scooping peas onto Aggie's plate.

The dinner was delicious. There was broccoli, cauliflower, peas and carrots. There was scalped potatoes and mashed potatoes. There was stuffing and cranberry sauce to sit prettily beside the large slices of turkey. Everyone's plates were soon full and mouths were being stuffed with food. The conversations switched as fast as the turkey was eaten. It went from the snow, to the spring harvest to having children and watching them grow. Then it went to playing in the snow and children's dreams. When the turkey was gone everyone was quieter. The good food and wine had quieted the adults and the excitement of Christmas had worn out the children. Aggie's head was in my lap and her feet spread out on the bench. As I stroked her hair she snored softly. Samuel was resting his head on his hands and playing with the apples, from his apple pie, to try to stay awake.

"I'll go and put these ones up to bed." Debbie said as she wrapped sleeping Nathaniel in her winter shawl.

"Just put them on my bed dear." Papa said shocking everyone.

"It's alright. I'm sure they'll be fine in the house-"

"Debra it's quite alright for them to sleep in my room." Papa smiled and nodded for her to do as he suggested. She looked at Jacob and he shrugged, before jumping up to help her.

Aggie went around sleepily kissing everyone. She even kissed Adam's cheek without even thinking about it. He smiled with a shocked expression as she moved onto the next person and smiled down at me.

"I didn't think she liked me." He said quietly.

"She's just very shy." We sat and watched Jacob pick up Aggie and carry her from the room as Samuel dragged his feet behind them. The room went quiet after and everyone sat rubbing swollen stomachs and listened to the fire crackle.

"So Adam, tell us of the war." Papa said.

"Papa it's Christmas. No one wants to talk about the war." I spoke in a sterner tone than I meant to, but I couldn't hide my embarassement.

"Susanna." Adam said gently touching my hand under the table. "Well to be honest it isn't going very well. The men are tired and want to come home. They are not sure what they're fighting for and to be honest I don't blame them. Without the King there what is the point in fighting." He sighed slightly and looked at the table.

"But how do you motivate them to win?" David asked.

"Well we need more men. New recruits that will pump the tired ones with cheer and energy. Maybe even give those tired recruits a break so they can visit family." Adam said. "My only problem then is finding new recruits."

"I'll go." Bradley spoke up for the first time that night. His grey eyes stared down at his plate and his dark eyebrows were frowning. He quickly looked up and met my gaze and his eyes showed a brief sadness before he looked away. When the words registered in my mind, my heart sank and everything else went blank. I tuned out everyone talking around me and everything that was going on. All I could think about was Jesse telling me he was leaving and how he never came back.

"You cant!" I said coming back to reality. Everyone went silent and watched me with a curious glance.

"Pardon dear?" Papa asked.

"You cant go!" I said looking only at my brother.

"Why not? Bradley snapped.

"Because you-what you just leave and fight in this war? Forgetting entirely about your family?"

"My family? Susanna this family has survived very well without me before, I'm sure they will do just fine."

"But what if something happens to you?" I said feeling tears fill my eyes.

"What do you care?" He snapped.

"I care about my brother. You're heading off to fight in a stupid war that has no purpose!" I shouted. Bradley stared at me with cold eyes and Papa took a deep breath.

"Susanna!" Papa scolded. "Sorry Your Grace. Women don't understand how a war works."

"It's probably because we are too smart for war. A woman wouldn't kill thousands of innocent men because they were wronged." A single tear fell from my eye and burned my cheek with its betrayal.

"No they would just torture those who wronged them for the rest of their lives." Papa laughed and the men laughed too. David gave me a small smile and I shook my head furiously.

"I already lost too much with this war I'm not going to loose anymore." I snapped and another tear fell.

"Susanna, compose yourself." Papa hissed at me. I looked at him and scowled.

"My brother has just told everyone that he has a death wish and you want me to _compose myself!" _By this point Debbie and Jacob had returned. They looked at us with hesitation.

"What's happened?" Debbie asked.

"You tell them Brad? For I cannot bear to say the words." I said and without waiting to see if he would tell them I raced through the door and into the snow. I ran through the snow into the barn and through myself into the soft, fresh hay in Lea's stall. She was lying on the ground and she nuzzled me slightly when I rested my head on her stomach. Her strong heart beat seemed to soak up my tears and after a few minutes of sobbing my tears were gone and I was sniffling as I listened to the sound of her heart.

"Susanna?" his voice made the tears appear in my eyes again but this time I forced them to stop. I wiped my face and pulled the hay from my hair.

Brad appeared at the stall door and looked down at me with a sad expression. "Can I come in?"

"Sure." I sniffled and fixed the skirt of my dress.

"He sure is in love with you." He said as he sat on the ground beside me.

"What?" I asked wiping my nose with my hankerchief.

"Adam. He almost raced right after you. But Debbie stopped him; told him to give you a minute."

"We're just friends." I said and even I noticed that it sounded like a lie. He raised his eyebrows and smiled at me. I smiled back and nudged him with my elbow. Then for the first time ever I rested my head on his shoulder and we just sat and listened to the sleeping horse snore.

"I need to do this." He whispered and that was enough for the tears to pour down my face again.

"But what about Gina? What about Henry?" I whispered their names and felt him tense.

"What about them?" He said coldly.

"He's supposed to grow up and never know? To grow up and never know your father is cruel punishment even for a bastard."

"What am I supposed to do Susanna?" he snapped. "I'm not allowed near her. Her father says so. Our father says so. She even said so." He shook his head. "She doesn't want me around him."

"She loves you. I know she does. She always has." I said gently touching his arm.

"I have to do this. I have to be someone other than the man who fathered Gina's bastard. I want to be proud to be me." He said sadly. I sighed and realized I had been defeated.

"Alright, but if David follows you I'll kill you myself. I cant have two brothers fighting in this ridiculous war." I said and he smiled at me.

"You know this has been the best Christmas I have had in a while." He said with a smile.

"Are you mental?" I teased.

"Seriously. I never knew that you cared so much about your poor old brother." He smirked. "It's really sweet of you sis."

"I take it back. Go to war and see if I care." I said smiling at him. He gently kissed my forehead and smiled

"I'm going to come home. I promise."

"You better." He kissed my head again and then stood up.

"Well I guess its time for some more alcohol." He said wiping off his pants. "Are you coming inside? It's freezing out here."

"In a minute. I want to make sure Lea has her new Christmas blanket." I said grabbing the red and green wool blanket I had stiched together for her. Brad rolled his eyes and chuckled as he left the stall. When I heard the barn door close I sighed and grabbed the brush.

"Oh Lea. You don't know how lucky you are to not have to worry about war and brothers." I said as I ran the brush through her mane. She neighed happily and stared at me with bright blue eyes. I gently touched the soft fresh skin that had healed over her wound and sighed. She neighed and nudged my arm staring at me with concern. "I know you're right. It'll be fine." I sighed and brushed through her hair.

"You do know that she can't talk right?" Adam said from behind me causing me to jump.

"You scared me." I said clutching my chest.

"My apologies." He smiled and looked around the stall. "May I come in?"

"Yes Sire you may." I said curtsiying to the best of my ability, whilst sitting on the floor. I continued to brush the horse's mane and she watched Adam with a careful stare.

"She is a beauty." He said patting her nose and slipping her a sugar cube. "She suits you." He said and I could feel his eyes on me. My heart began to race and I realized for the first time that Adam and I could never be just friends. He had a purpose in my life and friendship was not the answer.

"She's getting better. I still don't like riding her for very long but her leg is definitely stronger." I tried to ignore the other thoughts in my head. But when I looked at him it was all I could think about.

"Her mane is so shiny. Do you brush it often?" He asked and I tuned it out.

"I-I-Is it not forbidden for a King to marry a commoner?" I asked without making eye contact. He was quiet for a moment, as if he were frozen in place.

"It…Well yes but there are ways around it." He said quietly. I stroked the horse's white hair and thought about the summer. It was full of hope and happiness at the idea of marriage. Why couldn't my life be that way again? Yes I wasn't marrying the man of my dreams but I could love this man too, could I not?

"Susanna, I-"

"I'll marry you." I said without looking at him.

"Pardon?"

"I'll marry you." I looked at him this time and his brown eyes studied my green eyes carefully. When he saw that I was seriously he grinned.

"I promise I will not disappoint you." He said and I laughed.

"Isn't that something I'm supposed to say to you?"

"You could never disappoint me." He laughed and grabbed my hands and kissed them. "But what made you agree to this?"

"Questioning me already?" I teased. "I just want to be happy." I said with a smile. "I don't want to be sad anymore and I feel like my family is sad because I am sad. Bradley said something that made so much sense to me. I want to be proud to be me. If I were to marry you, give you beautiful children and live a happy life beside one of my dearest friends I would be proud of that."

"Not to mention you would be the queen of England." He said giving me that sly smile.

"Yes well, that's the part I'm not looking forward to." I said and he laughed.

"You'll be great at it. I can tell." He smiled at me and leaned closer to me. He hesitated before closing the distance between our lips. His lips were gentle and sweet. As if he were nervous and excited all at once. But this kiss was not like the other kisses we had shared. This kiss held a promise, a promise of a new beginning and a happier life.


	27. Family or Love?

Aggie sat in front of my on the floor playing with the doll Adam had given her for Christmas. It was a doll unlike any other doll she had. It was made of fabric, as opposed to her wooden dolls. It had long black hair like she had and someone had painted small brown freckles on the dolls nose.

As I braided her long thick hair into two braids she copied me and started braiding her own dolls hair. It was March and the air was alive with springtime. Debbie was pregnant again, a month into the pregnancy but she was humming softly and had started knitting again.

At this time of the day lunch had been served and the men were out getting the field ready for the seeds to be planted, while David and Samuel mucked out the stalls in the barn. The house was quiet apart from Debbie's soft humming as she rocked back and forth in the rocking chair, knitting what Aggie guessed was a blanket for the baby. Nathaniel was asleep on a quilt beside the fire and Lucan snored beside him. Coal, the puppy was chewing on a long stick. I had told the children that they could have him if they promised to care for him always. And because his hair was black they called him Coal.

There was a knock on the door and Coal let out a bark that was getting deeper and deeper with each day. Lucan raised his head and gave a low growl. Debbie sighed and went to the door, pushing the jumping puppy out of the way.

"Hello darling. You look wonderful." Mother said as she entered into the house. She kissed Debbie on the cheek and handed her a small pie that she had baked most likely this morning. I stood to kiss her and smiled. After two weeks of marriage she was a new woman. She stood in front of me wearing a dark red dress with a white wool coat and black riding gloves. Her hat was black also with a red feather that matched her dress and her hair was in a low bun with a beautiful red hair net. She looked like royalty.

"Look at you!" I said as I wrapped my arms around her. "You look marvelous." She giggled and stood back.

"You've gotten skinnier." She said poking at my stomach. "You need to eat more."

"Her wedding is stressing her out." Debbie said with a smile.

"I'm not stressing out." I frowned. "I'm just concerned that something will happen."

"How is he going about getting the law changed?" Mother asked as she hung her coat and hat on the wooden peg. Debbie put the kettle on the fire rack and sat back in the rocking chair.

"He…well…it hasn't been successful I'm afraid."

"But he's already told everyone he intends to marry this summer." Debbie said raising eyebrows.

"Yes I heard that rumour as well. It's horrible keeping this secret."

"I know it is, but for my safety please don't speak of it." I begged for the millionth time and mother sighed.

"Of course my dear. I would never dream of it." I sat behind Aggie and continued to braid her hair.

"What dress will you wear Auntie?" Aggie asked me.

"I'm not sure darling. I wanted to wear my mother's dress, but I'm sure it is not going to meet the royal courts standards for a q-queens dress." I choked on the word. Debbie smiled.

"She does that every time."

"Start getting used to it dear. It will be the only thing you are addressed as in the near future."

"I know." I let out a shaky breath and Lucan gave a low, reassuring bark. I smiled and patted his head.

"It'll be interesting to see him in court." Mother chuckled.

"Adam doesn't want me to bring him, but I cant bare to leave him." I said feeling my heartache at the thought of it. "It will be hard enough leaving here."

"Don't think of these things yet Susanna." Debbie said. "Focus on getting married first. Then there's all the planning. And there will be more work for your wedding because it is a royal wedding."

"Can we talk of other things?" I sighed.

"Well… I heard that Dr. Smith married that woman…oh what's her name?" Mother stopped frowning.

"Oh I can't remember. I heard it just the other day."

"A red head…her father is the Lord of Edinburgh."

"Penelope Ward." I said.

"That's it."

"Of course."

"But how did you know that?" Mother asked me.

"I met her back at the castle last year." I sighed. "Seems like ages ago." I patted Aggie's shoulder, letting her know that I was finished. She stood up and twirled in a circle.

"Do you like my hair mother? It's called a French Braid." She boasted and we all smiled.

"Its beautiful dear. But be quiet now, your brother still sleeps." Debbie said patting her bottom playfully.

"I'm going to show Papa." She said and grabbed her small wool coat.

"Don't forget your mittens." Debbie said as she went to open the door.

"But Momma its warm outside."

"Is there still snow on the ground?" She said without even looking at Aggie's sulking face.

"Yes." She sighed defeated and grabbed her mittens. She quickly pulled them on and threw open the door.

"Whoa there Missy. You almost ran me over." His voice was full of laughter and it made all of us smile.

"Your majesty." Aggie smiled curtsying low and then jumping into his arms.

"You're getting heavier. Still growing?"

"Of course!" Aggie giggled and kissed his cheek before he put her down on the ground. "I'm going to show Papa my hair. Like it?" She turned for him to see and he looked at me with raised eyebrows. I smiled and he said, "Why it is the finest hairstyle in all of England." Aggie blushed and raced off before she could be embarrassed by more flattery.

"Good afternoon ladies." Adam said as he closed the door behind him. "Its such a lovely day out there. I thought I would stop by for a visit."

"You stop by for a visit every day." I said pretending to be studying my dress.

"Well pardon me, but my desire to see you is overwhelming."

"Oh, that is so sweet." Debbie said and I blushed despite the annoyed look I gave him. On the inside I was bursting with happiness that he was here but I didn't want him to know.

"I was wondering if, since it is such a beautiful day. Would you care to accompany me for an afternoon ride."

"It must be nice to be royalty. Having all the free time in the world." I said standing up and taking the screaming kettle off the fire. I placed it on the stone slab on the table and grabbed two mugs for tea. I could feel him watching me with anticipation.

"Go Susanna. Your chores are done." Debbie said smiling at Adam.

"Oh alright then. Lets go." I said winking at Mother as Adam helped me put my coat on. "Will you be staying for dinner?"

"I suppose I could, if you don't mind of course?" Mother said looking at Debbie.

"Not at all."

"Alright then I will see you in about an hour." I kissed their cheeks and left the house, with Lucan right on my heel. The sun was hot and the snow was melting fast. It glittered like a million diamonds and the sound of running water was peaceful.

"We're never truly alone here." Adam said grabbing my arm to help me down the hill.

"What do you mean?" I asked with a smile.

"He never lets you out of his sight." Adam said nodding at Lucan who ran up ahead.

"He's still a puppy. He's not sure what to do with himself yet." I said as he tripped and rolled down the snowy hill, landing in a puddle of mud.

"It will be difficult having him at dinner parties." Adam said and I sighed.

"I will train him. Spencer and Maria invited me to spend a week with them this summer. I'll ask Spencer to help." Adam was silent and I took that as a victory.

Lea neighed loudly as she saw us enter the barn. She nodded her head up and down and it was more than obvious that she wanted to run.

"Where are you two off to?" David asked wiping sweat from his head. Johnny and Samuel stopped and looked at us.

"Just out for a ride." Adam said as he grabbed Lea's saddle.

"Why are we so nosey today?" I asked swatting at my little brother's head. He ducked and laughed.

"Just curious. Do you want me to come with you?" He said to me, but looking at Adam. It was cute at first how protective David had gotten but now it was just annoying.

"I'll be fine David."

After struggling with Lea's saddle Adam and I led our horses out of the barn. He held out his hand to help me but I turned away and mounted Lea without a problem. He watched me with an amused expression and I smiled.

"I've been practicing."

"Now you just have to work on riding side saddle." He said chuckling as he went to his horse.

"It is so uncomfortable riding side saddle. Will people really judge if I ride this way?"

"It is not proper for a lady to ride that way." He laughed. "But I will not judge you. It might give you the chance to actually beat me." He said and then kicked his horse's sides and bolted off.

"Cheat!" I called after him and copied his movements. We raced over the countryside. Past Papa and Jacob who were coaxing the ox and plow through the field. We jumped the small river and raced through the trees. I was vaguely aware of one hitting my face but I felt no pain so continued pushing Lea until she was almost at her breaking point. We came to an enclosed field and decided that it was a good place to stop. We tied the horses to a nearby tree and walked hand in hand around the field.

"We're alone now." I said noticing that Lucan had either not followed us or hadn't caught up yet. He turned to me and smiled.

"I would kiss you but there is too much to talk about." He said smiling.

"What is it?" I asked and he led me to a log.

"Your brother's troop…they somehow managed to regain control." Adam said beaming with happiness. Bradley had left a week after Christmas, along with 15 hundred other young men. A month ago they had broken into the prisoner camps and released the captured soldiers. And now they were regain control, beating the French.

"The surrender is coming I can feel it." Adam said his eyes glazing with success.

"Well, that's good I guess." I sighed.

"You guess? That gives us something else to celebrate this year." His smile was so wide that I couldn't help but smile back.

"Well unless you get the law changed it will be the only thing we celebrate this year." I said trying not to ruin his mood but realizing that it had been the only thing on my mind since the New Year began. His smile dropped and he looked into the forest.

"It isn't going to happen."

"What isn't going to happen?" My stomach sank.

"The law changing."

"But it has to, how else are we to marry?" I asked and he looked at me with a sad expression.

"What?" I had a bad feeling and it was radiating like fire throughout my body.

"If we…_pretend_ that you are of noble blood…"

"You want me to pretend to be something I'm not?" I asked.

"It's the only way." I pulled my hand from his and stood up.

"What you ask of me is too much." I said scowling at him. "You are asking me to give up everything. Forget who I am, who I was raised to be just so I can marry you. It's not worth it." As the words left my lips his face hardened.

"I see." He stood up and scowled at me. "Its alright for me to go out of my way to change a law that has been around since Christ walked the earth but God forbid if Susanna has to do anything that she doesn't want to." I stood in front of him shocked.

"That's not fair."

"No what isn't fair is that I love you and you love me, but you are too stubborn to do things another way."

"You're asking me to give up my life, my family! How could anyone agree to that?" Tears filled my eyes and I started to shake. "If I asked you to give up your crown would you do that for me?" He stared at me with a cold expression.

"That is completely different." He whispered.

"No if any thing it is the exact same. You are asking me to give up the one thing that is most important to me for a lifetime of being watched and judged. I'm sorry but that is not worth it." His head lifted and he looked down at me.

"If that's how you see it then, fine." He marched to his horse and climbed on.

"Where are you going?" I asked fighting the tears.

"Well as you said, it's not worth it. You wont change for love so why should I?" He turned his large black stallion and gently kicked its sides.

"Adam wait!" I called but he disappeared into the trees without a glance back.

The tears came in a matter of seconds. I went to untie Lea's bridle and collapsed to the ground in tears. How could he ask that of me? How could he expect me to give up my family for him? But then again how could I expect him to give up everything that he was? He was the king of England where as I was just a commoner with a small unknown family. It would be easier to hide my past than to hide his. I felt nauseous at the thought and more tears filled my eyes.

"Susanna you must not do this." His voice was soft but it was as clear as day. He head snapped up and he stood in the trees in front of me.

"Andrew?"

"Don't give up who you are, or you will lose it forever." He said. His face was the same but his eyes were lighter, more blue as if he were blind. I shook my head at him and sat up.

"How…when…why are you here?"

"Don't do it Susanna. Don't lose who you are." He said walking backwards as the sound of hooves filled the field. I sat frozen on the ground even as Adam knelt in front of me.

"I am truly sorry." He said and it wasn't until he touched my hands that I realized he was there. I blinked at his face and burst into tears. I wrapped my arms around him and held him tightly.

"I can't lose who I am." I sobbed Andrew's words onto his shoulder.

"I'm not asking you to lose it. I just need you to hide it. All I want is you. I love your family also. It would hurt me to never see them again." He wiped the tears from my face and smiled.

"What will we do?"

"Two weddings." He said with a smile.

"Two weddings? How on earth…?"

"A small wedding here and a big one in the castle."

"But everyone will know…"

"Not if I disguise myself."

"You're going to lie to the priest?" I said shocked.

"No Susanna." He sighed. "Disguise myself to the public. No one knows my full name. Do you?"

"I… Adam McTavish, King of England, Duke of Gla-"

"No that is my title, not my name." He smiled. "My name is Henry Adam Michael McTavish, second of name." As it sunk in a laugh erupted from my throat and I flung myself at him. I held onto him tightly as I kissed him. This would work.

"We will tell people that I own a large piece of land in Cumberland, which is where you met me when visiting Spencer and Maria. Plus my mother was born there." He paused thinking of his mother and smile. "We'll marry twice in one week, to lessen the chance of rumour and still gives reasonable time for a child to be conceived without the look of scandal." I blushed slightly and smiled at our interlocked hands.

"Two weddings. We are going to be very busy people." I said and he smiled and kissed me.

"It will all be worth it in the end."

Telling my family was a completely different story. A loud uproar came from everyone but Sam, Nathaniel and Revered Thomas. I sat patiently waiting out each one of their protests. David even came so close as to insulting Adam, but Papa grabbed him by his collar and through him out the door, for his own good.

"This is outrageous. You must be able to change it somehow." Jacob said.

"I have gone over every piece of parchment possible and there is no way. The only way it could be changed would be for a council meeting where we both offer up our explanations and pretty much beg for it to be changed. But this risks scandal. And if they were deny us then we would never be able to marry, and frankly…it's not worth risking." Adam said looking at me.

"You can't lie in front of God!" Mother screeched.

"It's not lying Mother." I said.

"It's true Nora. If anything it is making it more legitimate."

"How can you say that? They are going behind everyone's back, sneaking around, keeping secrets."

"For goodness sake Nora it's a wedding. They love each other and want to marry, who are we to tell them no. They aren't doing anything wrong, apart from breaking the law that nobility can not marry commoners but if you want my opinion the "pure blood line" is a stupid concept which causes many men to think bedding sisters is normal." Thomas said as he took a sip of brandy. Adam chuckled and Mother blushed with embarrassment.

"Do you love her?" Papa asked, stepping in front of Adam staring directly into his eyes. Adam stepped back slightly intimidated and then sighed.

"I have never felt this way about anyone before."

"That is not what I asked." Papa said.

"Of course I love her. She is all I think about, all I dream about. Marrying your daughter would complete my life." Papa stared at Adam for a moment, letting his answer sink in then he nodded and stood in front of me.

"Do you love him?" He asked me. His eyes were sad and held so many unasked questions behind them. I wondered if when he looked into my eyes did he see my mother? Did he worry that she would not approve of this?

I thought of answers like: More than anyone ever could, but that might be offensive. Then there was: More than anything in the world, but then I remembered Jesse and he might still be out there somewhere. My answer was: "Yes."

He studied me for a second and then sighed. "Well then there is the answer. Two weddings at the end of August and no one in this room is to speak of it unless it is discussed first. Our job is to make this as easy and _safe_ for Susanna as possible."

"We will plan the little wedding if you plan the big one." Debbie said to Adam.

"Of course. I have people already making the wedding preparations." He smiled at me. "Unfortunately they pick all of the decorations and food but you get to pick your dress."

"She'll be too busy here to worry about all that stuff anyways." Debbie said wrapping her arm around my shoulder. "So much to do and so little time." She smiled.

"That brings me to the next topic of conversation." Adam said and everyone went silent.

"I've got a bad feeling about this." Thomas said to Lucan who sat with his head on Thomas's lap.

"There are certain…lessons that Susanna needs to learn." He said bravely looking at everyone.

"Lessons?" Jacob spat.

"What kind of lessons?" Mother's face was pale and I smiled at the inappropriate things that were clearly going through her mind.

"Certain etiquettes that are expected of noble women but not…"

"Town folk like us." Jacob snarled. "This is fucking ridiculous. He's asking you to change who you are completely and you are ok with this?"

"I'm not changing who I am!" I shouted. "I'm just trying to be the best wife I can be. If that means I need lessons then I need lessons."

"I've arranged for lessons to held at Maria McDonald's house in Cumberland and since that is where we are telling people I am from it would seem logical for Susanna to visit future family and get to know the area."

"But how will we plan a wedding if she isn't here?" Mother asked.

"We'll have enough time before she leaves." Debbie said and then her face dropped. "Won't we?"

"I'm afraid with all the different lessons we would have to begin them as soon as possible."

"When?" Jacob asked through gritted teeth.

"I've arranged a carriage to pick Susanna up a week Tuesday." Adam said. I was proud of him for keeping his head up, but I knew he was extremely uncomfortable and wishing he was anywhere but here.

"A week!" Mother screeched again and they all burst out in uproar, all but Papa. I watched him for a second and then went to kneel in front of him. He sat in his chair and studied my face. He touched my cheek and sighed. Everyone went quiet and watched carefully.

"Is this truly what you want my daughter?"

"I've made a promise and I intend to keep it." I said answering his question and knowing that he read the words between the lines. He sighed and nodded.

"Your mother would be so proud of you." He said kissing my cheek, trying to hid the shine of tears. "Well no need getting yourselves upset anymore. It is all settled. Debbie and Nora, it is your job to plan this wedding. Adam will handle all the arrangements and the rest of you just keep your mouths shut. This is what Susanna wants, this is what will make her happy, and this is what we are doing. If you have any concerns you can come to me. But for now I am off to bed." He said standing gracefully and leaving as if he were the King of England. Everyone bid him goodnight and waited silently for his bedroom door to close. When the wood block was set down to lock the door the erupted again in furious whispers.

"How are we supposed to plan a wedding without the bride?" Debbie said.

"How will that look when we're making the wedding arrangements and the bride is not around?"

"Just tell people I told you that it is what I wanted." I said as I cleared the dinner dishes and began to wash them in the basin.

"But what will we tell the children? They will be so confused." Debbie said taking he clean dishes and drying them with her apron.

"Well they can only come to one wedding then." I said with a sad sigh.

"You're not going to invite them to the other wedding?" Jacob snapped. "I suppose your not going to invite us either. We're just your poor old family."

"Don't be an idiot Jacob." I snapped.

"Of course you are invited." Adam said.

"David is perfectly capable of staying home with the children for two days. We can get Gina to help out. I'm sure she won't mind."

"I am not letting that whore around my children."

"Jacob." Debbie snapped as I dropped a plate.

"She is not a _whore_ Jacob. She was an impatient girl whose head was filled with songs of knights and love. She pays for that mistake everyday she looks into her son's eyes and knows that his life could have been so different if it wasn't for one incident. I'm sure you know how that feels when you look at your daughter." I said my eyes locked onto his and my face never giving away the sadness and pain that it held. He scowled at me and turned away. Mother and Adam both gave us the same curious expression but no one asked the question.

"I suppose it would be nice to get away for a few days." Debbie said resting her hand on her puffy stomach. "Of course I'll be big with child then."

"We'll get you the finest dress." I said clutching her hands. "Everyone will be having babies just to be like you." I said smiling.

"That's quite the dream but I rather like it." Debbie chuckled and kissed my cheek. "As long as you are happy than I am happy."

"Thank you." I said. Although I had a sister, she would never compare the sister who stood in front of me.

"Well the women have spoken, nothing left for us men to do but follow I guess." Jacob sighed and Debbie walked to him and wrapped her arms around his thin waist.

"It's for your sister." She said. "And it could be like a honeymoon." He looked down at her and couldn't resist the smile on her face. He kissed her and sighed.

"Alright. But if you hurt her, you'll have me to deal with."

"And me." Thomas said stumbling up beside him.

"Me too." David said sticking his head in the door. Lucan barked as he rubbed up against me, sitting directly between Adam and I. Adam looked at me and smiled.

"What have I gotten myself into?"


	28. Lady Regan's Lessons

Tuesday came before I could even think about it. The week passed in a craze with people constantly asking me questions and writing everything down on tiny pieces of parchment. When the carriage appeared in front of Papa's house Monday night everything that I had to be apart in was finished. My measurements for the dress fitting had been taken, choosing who was invited had been written down and inquiries as to what I would like as a wedding present were settled.

Debbie and mother were discussing wedding plans in hushed tones as I sat brushing Lucan's hair. There was a knock on the door and David burst in.

"Susanna! The carriage is here." He said exhausted from running up the hill.

"Ok David. I don't leave till the morning." I said with a smile.

"No someone is in the carriage." He said. I looked at him puzzled. Debbie just shrugged.

"Is it Adam?"

"No it's a girl." He said and then raced out of the house.

"Well he's excited." Debbie chuckled.

"Boys at that age always are when it comes to girls." Mother said with a tut and went back to her notes.

"I guess I better see who it is." I said patting Lucan to get him off of me. I threw on my white shawl and raced Lucan down the hill. He barked curiously at the door of the carriage before realizing everyone was inside. He disappeared into the bright warm house and I smiled as Papa started shouting at him to get off.

"It's alright." She said. "Oh how lovely you are." When her purple eyes met mine I almost broke into tears.

"Ceecee!" I screamed and threw myself into her arms. She inhaled deeply and then laughed.

"I've missed you as well."

"Oh Ceecee!" I said and then burst into tears. I don't know what made me cry or why I was even crying but once I started I couldn't stop. I was vaguely aware of Papa and Jacob becoming uncomfortable with my sudden emotion and leaving the house. When I finally calmed down Ceecee sat on the floor in front of me stroking my hair and Lucan's head rested on my lap as he looked at me with a worried expression.

"I would ask you how you are but I can see it for myself." She laughed and handed me a handkerchief that matched her eyes.

"Oh Ceecee," I sighed. "This is exhausting me. This whole _two weddings _is horrible. Its tiring enough getting married once, but two marriages in one week."

"The only wedding I would be worried about is the royal one. The wedding here will be one for you to relax and enjoy a good time with your family." She said smiling.

"It'll be my last time seeing them." I said my heart heavy and tears filling my eyes again.

"It wont be your last time seeing them silly." She brushed my hair back and laughed. "Do you have your monthly bleed?"

"Yes but that's not the point." I said and smirked at the look she was giving me. I might've been acting a little irrational but I was afraid that I would never get to see them again. Ceecee looked around the room and found the plate of shortbread cookies that Debbie had made. She grabbed the plate and placed it on the floor between us.

"Eat! You look like you haven't eaten since we last saw each other."

"That was forever ago." I said taking a cookie and breaking a piece for Lucan. "When was that?"

"When…well when your late husband passed." She said carefully. I nodded and took a bite of the cookie.

"That seems like ages."

"Over a year." She said as she looked around the room.

"I heard you married Big Tom." I said looking at my cookie and trying not to smirk.

"Do you think I'd still be sitting here I married him? He would've crushed me." She said and we erupted in laughter.

"Not necessarily. You could be the one…you know."

"Doing all the work?" She laughed again. "I do enough work as it is." I burst into giggles like I used to do when Gina talked about boys she had kissed.

"I heard you were pregnant that's why you're getting married." She said and when I looked at her she smiled. "I jest. The thought just came to me actually as your started crying irrationally."

"It's not completely irrational! He asked me to pretend I don't come from this family. I will have to pretend that I don't know them and have to visit in secret."

"Sound exciting."

"Its horrible. He told me that I can only communicate through formal letters, nothing personal incase they get intercepted. Who wants to live like that?" I asked as I shoved a cookie into my mouth.

"Someone who is about to marry the love of their life." She smiled and nodded.

"Yes I suppose I should be more excited."

"It's understandable why you're not though," she said and a crease formed in her forehead.

"Lets not talk about him. We'll both cry." I said grabbing her hand. I found Papa's secret whiskey bottle hidden under a loose rock in the hearth and pulled it out. I poured us each a hefty amount and put the bottle back.

"Won't he get mad?"

"I'll be the Q-queen of England. I can buy him 6 bottles if he wants." I said and we toasted to our friendship. By the time Papa returned we were lying on the floor in fits of laughter, the plate empty and our mugs drained. He smiled at us and went into his room without another word.

"Ugh…" she said as she sat up. "We leave so early."

"You are staying with me for all of my lessons right?"

"I am your first official Lady-in-waiting." She said bowing her head at me.

"Please don't do that." I said sitting up and wishing I hadn't.

"Get used to it Suse. Everyone will be doing it come September."

"Yes well…but it is only March. Let's not rush things." I said.

"You get to have six ladies. Have you any thoughts as to who the other five will be?" Ceecee asked me as she patted Lucan's head.

"I-I have no idea."

"Well then, whilst we are staying with the Duke and Duchess of Cumberland we shall make you some friends to take with us."

"What about Jane?"

"Jane?" Ceecee frowned. "Isn't she married with children? I would recommend against bringing her away from her family to serve you. But there is still Daisy."

"Daisy." I cringed. "Jane is the better one of the two. The easier one to handle." Ceecee laughed.

"I am almost positive that she has a bastard in her belly anyways." I stared at her shocked and then shook my head. I sighed after a second.

"I don't think I can handle this. It's too much to comprehend."

"Well I would explain it to you but I'm pretty sure you will find out about it once you are pregnant with your own child."

"Not that!" I said pinching Ceecee. She laughed and moved away.

"You'll be a great queen Suze. Everyone will love you." She yawned as her eyes started to flicker closed. "You'll see." And with that she was asleep. I stretched out on the hay beside her and sighed. I could be a great queen. I would be able to relate to the common people and it was them who would love me most. I can charm the royalty too or at least I went to sleep that night trying to convince myself that I could become one of them.

The morning woke us with hot dog breath on our faces and constant "neighing" outside. I rolled over and blinked at the bright sunlight. My head was pounding and there was straw all in my hair. Ceecee snored beside me and I gently shook her.

"It's time to get up." I said and stood up. I swayed slightly and pushed my wild hair away from my face. I walked to the door and opened it, instantly regretting it.

"You awake finally!" Jacob snapped.

"You missed breakfast." David said.

"Why didn't anyone wake us?" I asked as people bustled by me with trunks and sacks of my stuff.

"We tried." Debbie said puffing.

"Three times!" Aggie snapped too.

"Oh I see." I said and shot Ceecee a worried look.

"We're an hour behind my lady." The driver said as he patted Lea's neck and climbed up onto the seat.

"Can't we wait a little bit longer?" I asked looking at my family.

"I'm afraid not if we want to be there by nightfall. And I would not recommend traveling the roads at night."

"Bandits!" Samuel whispered to me and I smirked at him. Tears filled my eyes again as the door to the carriage opened and Ceecee climbed in.

"I haven't even changed." I said looking at my wrinkled brown wool dress.

"You'll have to change on the way there." Papa said. He pulled a piece of straw from my hair and sighed. "My darling daughter." He kissed my cheeks and then my forehead. "Stay safe, be careful and remember to pray." He slipped a medallion over my head and I touched it. It was Saint Agnes.

"This is Momma's." I said touching it.

"She wanted her daughter to have it when she married." He said, tears rimming his eyes. "I couldn't bring myself to give it to you when you married Andrew. Now is the best time. Both your Mother and Saint Agnes will keep you safe on this part of your life."

"Oh Papa." I said and flung my arms around him. Tears leaked from my eyes and sank into his shoulder.

"Don't forget to write to us." Aggie said as she tugged on my dress. I hugged each child tightly, kissing them on both and then hugged the rest of my family.

"We'll watch Lucan for you while you're away." Samuel said wrapping his arm around the dog's head. Lucan licked his face and looked at me with almost a smile.

"I know you will." I said kissing his curly hairs again and then the dog's head. I climbed into the carriage and just as the door was about to close Lucan barked and jumped into the carriage. Coal attempted to get in too but was too awkward and fell backwards. Elly barked and Coal's ears dropped and he went to her side. We all smiled as we watched the small family interact with each other.

"All set Miss?" the driver asked and I sighed.

"Goodbye!" I said hanging out the window.

"We'll miss you!" Aggie shouted, trying to hide the tears.

"Goodbye!" they all called back. I hung out the window waving until I could no longer see the house anymore. And when they were gone I burst into tears.

I cried for half the journey and slept for the other half. Ceecee sat quietly doing her stitching as I stroked Lucan's head and sobbed into a damp handkerchief. When we pulled up to Maria's house it was hours past sundown and we were all exhausted. The light shone brightly from Maria's house and the door opened in an instant.

"You're late." She said coming out of the house in a pale green dress with a white handkerchief in her hand. "We were expecting you hours ago." She said and then took in our clothes and sighed.

"We got off to a late start my lady." The driver said giving us a look of annoyance.

"It's a good thing you're tutor wont be here till tomorrow." Maria said with an annoyed tone. Then she sighed and wrapped her arms around me. "Its wonderful to have you back Susanna."

"It's wonderful to be here." I said and then noticed that Spencer was missing.

"Where is he?"

"He fell hunting last week and broke his leg. I'm afraid he can't walk for a while so he is sulking in the parlor reading one of his dog books." I headed for the door without even thinking of waiting for the invitation in. I walked straight through the house and found the darling old man asleep on the chair, his glasses falling off his face and his leg bound tightly, and resting on a crimson pillow.

"Isn't he just the image of perfection?" Maria teased and I smiled at her.

"Don't worry you're highness. I'll get these cases for you." Ceecee grumbled as she struggled to carry the case down the hallway.

"Oh good and Ceecee while you're at it can you look out my night gown? The white one with pink flowers?" I said. She stopped and stared at me as if I had called her the worse name in the English dictionary. "I'm kidding darling. Of course I'm coming to help." She nodded with an amused expression and disappeared into my old room.

"So what has changed since I have been away?" I linked arms with her as we walked back to the carriage.

"Well Spencer has a new dog. Hubert." She said pointing to the puppy that was passed out on top of a chewed slipper.

"He's adorable." I said smiling.

"Yes, its wonderful to find your best riding gloves soaked in urine." She muttered but couldn't help the smile that spread on her face. "We also built a guest house where your tutor and Cecily will sleep."

"A guest house?" I said shocked. "Where?"

"Where…well…where the tree used to be." She said as she picked up a large sack.

"Ah, I see."

"We wanted something positive to go there." She said as we entered the house. "Something that didn't remind us of that day. But every time I look at it I remember that stupid tree. And everything inside is blue, so I guess we failed at our goal." She sighed and placed the sack on the bed.

"I'm sure they will love it." I said smiling at her. Together we unpacked my clothes and I helped Ceecee unpack her clothes in the small guesthouse that had two bedrooms and a sitting room with a fireplace. By the time we were done it was well past midnight and we were exhausted. We all exchanged good nights and headed off to bed.

The next morning I awoke to a sharp knock on the door and Lucan's loud barking. I grumbled as I pushed the covers back and opened the door. It was still dark outside.

"Yes?" I asked blinking at the candlelight that shone in my eyes.

"Yer bath is readay Miss." Eliza said smiling.

"My what? It's early in the morning." I yawned.

"Lady McDonald says that you must bath before your tutor gets here. And she is expected to arrive just after the suns up." Eliza said coming gently ushering me to the bathing room.

"But can't I just sleep for a little bit longer?" I said looking longingly at my closing bedroom door and remembering my warm bed.

"You're bath will get cold and then you might catch a chill and we can't have that now." She said pushing open the bathing room door. I was instantly hit with heat and steam coming from the round metal basin that was full of water.

"Now the waters quite warm so slowly climb in." Eliza said as she placed the candle on a table and helped me out of my nightgown. I dipped one toe into the water and flinched.

"It's scalding." I said and held my arms tightly over my cold chest.

"Its just because you're feet are cold. Come on now." She said gently pushing me into the tub. After 10 minutes of jumping in and out of the tub I finally sat down and Eliza started washing my hair. Being so long and thick it took almost half and hour to wash, rinse and rub scented oils into. But when I was done I smelt like vanilla and was cleaner than a baby.

I was dressed in a thick green wool dress that was tight around the bodice and laid flat to the ground. I put on wool stockings and black winter boots and Eliza put my hair up in a thick round bun. I knew my tutor had arrived based on the sound of all the dogs barking. Eliza gave my shoulder a quick squeeze and I stood up and went to the door.

"Its so good of you to come here, to help Susanna with her lessons." I heard Maria saying. I pressed my hands down the dress, took a deep breath and walked to the door.

"Yes well, my duty is to the king and he asked me to complete this task." Her voice was chilling and I instantly got goose bumps.

"Miss?" Eliza asked when I stopped in the middle of the hallway.

"Ah Susanna. Come meet you're tutor, Lady Regan Meducci." Maria said holding out a hand to me. I smiled slightly and curtsied.

"Ah I see that will be one of the firs things we work on." Lady Regan said turning her nose up. "At least you look presentable." She said walking towards me and slowly walking around me. "Yes the oils you chose are lovely but you are much too thin."

"It's the pressure of her wedding." Maria laughed. "You know how stressful they can be."

"My wedding was planned when I was a suckling babe. All I had to do was show up." Lady Regan said. With her long bony fingers she grabbed my chin and looked into my eyes. "We have a lot of work to do Susanna and only 5 months to do it in. Are you prepared to put in the effort?"

"Y-Y-Yes." I stuttered and realized that I was shaking under her intense stare.

"Good." She let my chin go and turned back to Maria. "Now when's breakfast?" Maria fluttered about in a panic as I rubbed my chin and watched my new tutor walk down the hall towards the dinning room for a meal.

"Nice woman huh?" Ceecee said appearing at my side.

"Just wonderful. Especially when she grabs your face." I grabbed Ceecee's chin and stood on my tiptoes. "Now listen here. We have a lot of work to do!" I said in a high pitched voice. Ceecee burst out in laughter and I let go smiling.

"Ugh I thought she was horrible when we met at the vacation house, but I didn't know she was going to be this horrible." I said as we very slowly walked to the dinning room.

"Just wait. You're lessons haven't even started yet."

"You have got to be the laziest girl I have ever met!" Lady Regan shouted at me again. "Stand up straighter Susanna, hold your stomach in and at least look a little bit confident." She snapped and as I sucked in my stomach the books on my head tumbled to the ground around me. I heard her sigh with frustration and Ceecee sniggered somewhere behind me.

"It was the wind." I said feeling the slight breeze rush against my face. There were storm clouds in the distance and I was begging them to hurry up so my lessons would be finished.

"Don't take me for a fool child. If you had learned to stand straight you wouldn't have this problem." She said pushing and pulling me into proper standing position.

"Well you know we _peasants_ don't have the luxuries that others do." I snapped as she slammed a book onto my head.

"I didn't know proper posture was a luxury." She said defeating me. I bit my tongue as she added two more books to my head. "Now slowly walk."

I took a step from the patio stones onto the soggy grass and felt the books wobble. I closed my eyes and clenched my fists and carefully walked to the fountain and back without dropping the books. I opened my eyes and smiled as Ceecee clapped.

"Now if only you could walk without looking like someone shoved an apple up your backside and without taking almost 20 minutes." She said turning me around. I guess God had enough of her torture for a loud rumble filled the air and I heard small splatter sounds hit the books.

"It's raining!" Ceecee shouted gathering the clothes she was mending and racing inside. Lucan barked excitedly and followed her and Lady Regan sighed. She gathered the books and the two of us locked the doors behind us just as the rain poured from the sky.

"I guess that's all we can practice today." I said untying the laces on my boots and taking off my coat.

"Not so fast. We haven't gotten to table manners yet." Lady Regan said taking off her own coat and passing it to Stewart without even acknowledging that he was there. I sighed and nodded a thank you to him before racing after her into the dinning room.

There was one place setting set up at the far end of the table. Lady Regan looked at me expectantly and I sighed before going and sitting in the chair.

"Now the proper table behaviour is small bites and small movements. You are a lady not an animal so one must eat as such." She placed a bowl of hot water in front of me and stood beside my seat without saying anything.

"What do I do with it?"  
"Eat it." She said with a frustrated sigh.

"But it's water." I said studying the bowl.

"I wasn't going to have the girl make you a four course meal! Now eat." She snapped and I jumped. I looked at the rows of cutlery and grabbed the smaller of the spoons. "Wrong!" She said smacking the top of my head with a wooden spoon.

"Ouch!" I said rubbing my head. "Why did you hit me?"

"To see if it would make an impact." She took the end of the wooden spoon and thrust it at my spoon. "That spoon is for TEA! A large piece of beef would never fit on a spoon of that size! Use your brain girl." I placed the spoon down and bit my tongue. I was shaking from anger but I knew I could not unleash it. I picked up the bigger spoon and dipped it into the water. I bent my head down to take a sip and felt another slap on my head.

"Wrong again." She said and I slammed the fork down.

"You know what! I have had enough of you! I don't want to marry him if it means suffering through one more minute with you!" I shouted and stormed out of the dinning room. I grabbed my coat, slipped on my boots without tying them and raced out into the rain. I was vaguely aware of someone calling out my name but I ignored them and raced through the forest. It was pouring as I walked through the woods but I ignored it. It was a cool relief on my hot skin. I stopped when I got to his gravesite. Not because I realized where I was or because I was over come by sadness but because he sat calmly on his headstone and was kicking his feet. When I entered the meadow his head shot up and he smiled.

"You came back!" He said smiling brightly.

"Does this mean I'm going to get sick again?" I asked pushing my soaked hair out of my face."

"No, well not as sick as you were last time. But you'll probably have a cold." Theodore said with an amused expression. "Why are you out here anyways?"

"It's complicated." I said sitting on the gravestone beside him. He looked up at me with his sparkling grey eyes and frowned.

"I can try to understand. I am six after all." He said with a pout. I smiled and shook my head.

"I have to take lessons." I said and he nodded. "And I hate them!"

"I remember what that was like." He said with sigh. "It was horrible. My tutor, Mr. Summers would hit me with his walking stick when I day dreamed, which was almost all the time." He said looking off into the trees. I smiled and studied his hair. It was curly and puffy as if the rain never touched it and his clothes were sturdy and dry. But at the back of his head his hair was darker and I realized that was probably the spot where he had hit his head.

"I couldn't imagine anyone hitting you. You are too sweet." I said smiling at him.

"Who me?" He looked at me offended. "Momma says I was the most troublesome boy she ever met." He said proudly and stood on the top of the gravestone.

"Be careful. " I said instinctively. He smiled down at me and then jumped off as if he were a bird that was about to fly. He landed on the mushy grass and rolled forward.

"Nothing hurts here." He said as he stood up and brushed off his clothes. "I like it here. No horrible vegetables or bed times, or _lessons._" He said and did a cartwheel.

"Susanna?" I heard my name being called through the trees and Theodore froze. Maria appeared in the meadow just as I hopped off the headstone. Her blonde hair was in strings and all stuck to her brown coat. She let out a sigh of relief as she spotted me and then frowned when she saw the headstone. She took a deep breath and walked towards me. She walked right past Theodore and ignored the brush of his hand as he tried to touch her arm.

"That's the only thing I don't like about being here." He said sadly. "She never sees me." He frowned and walked to his mother's side. He wrapped his baby arms around her neck and kissed her cheek right as a tear rolled down it. As she stood up he let go.

"Well, now that I've found you." She said wiping the tear away and smiling at me. "Lady Regan was not impressed by the way you ran out of there."

"Lady Regan looks like a scarecrow." Theodore said as he climbed back on the headstone and sat cross legged watching us. I smiled briefly and looked away.

"I'm tired of her bossy ways." I said.

"She's only trying to help you."

"Hitting me with a spoon is not going to help me."

"That wont work. I told her that too when Mr. Summers used to hit me."

"Susanna it's a common teaching method that will help you because now you know which answer is right."

"A method based on fear? Who uses that?"

"Every good teacher." Maria said and I looked at Theodore who rolled his eyes. I smiled and looked back at her. She blinked at me and then looked at the headstone. Her face lost all colour and her eyes looked scared.

"Is he…?" She asked her eyes flicking to mine before they looked back at the horrible date carved into stone.

"Do you think she saw me?" He asked brightly looking from me to his mother.

"He's here. And no I don't think she saw you. Only I can see you, for some reason." I said. She inhaled deeply and Theodore sulked.

"What is he saying?" She asked grabbing my hand and clenching it tightly.

"Nothing really. He's sulking." I said and smiled as he stuck his tongue out at me.

"Don't sulk darling. I still see you in my dreams." Maria said to thin air. Theodore smiled at this and looked at me.

"He thinks its funny the way you are talking to the air." I said, repeating his words. She stopped and looked at me. "He also says that I shouldn't go back to my lessons until she gets a new teaching method." I said winking at him and he laughed.

"Well tell him that he's a trouble maker and its too bad you have to go back. You want to marry Adam?"

"Who's Adam?" Theodore asked looking bored.

"The king." I answered to him. "And yes I want to marry him."

"Well then, you must continue your lessons. This is the price you have to pay for happiness."

"You're marrying the king!" He said standing up. He bowed and his curls tumbled forward. "You're highness it is so nice to meet you." I laughed and swatted at him.

"Stop it. I'm not married to him yet." I said and then looked at Maria who was watching me with a curious expression.

"Still it'll be fun to be the queen! Don't you think?" Theodore said. "I always dreamed I would be the king one day…the king or a knight." He said pretending to draw his sword. "I would be the bravest night of all, rescuing fair maidens and killing dragons."

"Dragons don't exist."

"They do too." He said right as Maria said, "He'll never listen." I smirked at them and shook my head.

"Alright let's go back. My brave sir, I bid you farewell." I said curtsying to him and he bowed slightly.

"Lady mother, farewell." He said kissing her hand gently before he raced off pretending to be deep in battle.

"He said good bye." I smiled and she shivered.

"Such a rare gift you have. I have never been able to admit it before but I am jealous."

"It is a new gift that I am still getting used to." I said and we linked arms as we walked back to the house.

"Maybe though, you should keep that gift a secret." Maria said.

"Lady Regan would be the last person I told anything too." I said with a laugh.

"I meant to Adam or Ceecee." She said with a thoughtful expression. "Some people don't know how to handle gifts like yours. And I would hate for something to happen to you."

"You are the only person I have told." I said with a smile and she squeezed my hand.

"Good. Now have patience with Lady Regan. I'm sure we will see results soon. After all it is your first day." She said and I groaned at the thought of 5 more months spending each day under Lady Regan's horrible watch.


	29. Unsettled Stomachs

**A/N: **So I have been recently going through a lot of emotional crap with family, school, love blah blah blah. Which is why I haven't written anything in forever. I really hope to keep writing now that things are getting back to normal. I am so sorry to keep everyone hanging with this story. I had hoped to have it done by now. But alas, we are almost half way. At some points I want it to end because I'm excited to see everyone's reaction but then it'll be over and I'll be sad. Ha ha... don't worry I wont drag the story out. I hope I'm not doing that now.

Thank you for sticking with my story.

-P

P.S. This chapter has some... mature content. If you want to skip it you wont miss much and I wont be offended. lol

* * *

"THAT'S IT! I QUIT! THIS GIRL REFUSES TO PAY ATTENTION!" Lady Regan screamed as I smirked at Ceecee while trying to waltz around the garden. It had been 4 months since I arrived and every day I suffered through these horrible lessons, from after breakfast right to prayers.

"Lady Regan, she just has a short attention span. She's still a child after all." Maria said giving me a scolding look. She sat mending a pair of wool socks that Hubert had chewed.

"She's going to be a queen in less than a month and she can't even waltz. She'll be the laughing stock of all of England and we'll be to blame." Lady Regan poured herself a drink of brandy, which she did consistently through my lessons, and rubbed her temples. I raised my eyebrows at Ceecee and she covered the laugh that was dying to escape her lips.

"Now, Susanna," She said taking a deep breath and placing the empty cup back on the table. "You must let Cecily lead. She is the man after all."

"But I have always been a leader, thus making it almost impossible for me to start following." I said smirking at Ceecee as she placed her hand on me waist and I placed my hand on her shoulder.

"Yes following instruction seems like the most difficult task. That we can agree on." She pushed us closer together, repositioned our hands, tilted my chin up to an uncomfortable angel and stepped back. "Now one, two three. One, two three. Remember to bring your feet together. One, two, three. One, two three." Ceecee and I were doing well this round, until we turned and I stepped on her dress making us fall to the ground. We erupted in fits of laughter as we lay on our backs in the grass.

"Oh for the love of God." Lady Regan sighed. Just then the sound of a million dogs barking caught all of our attention. Ceecee and I sat up and all four of us stared at the door leading into the house.

"Someone must be here." Maria whispered.

"Hide." Lady Regan hissed. Ceecee laughed as she struggled to pull my up onto my feet and the two of us raced to the guest house, slamming the door behind us. We collapsed against it and burst out laughing.

"I'll never make a good queen." I said with a smile. "I can't even waltz."

"In all fairness, you're dancing partners wont be wearing dresses."

"Yes but they will have big feet." I said and we started laughing as we remembered all those times I had stepped on Stewart's toes when he was my dancing partner.

"I wonder who's here." Ceecee whispered as we noticed it was oddly quiet. We slowly stood up and peeked out the window at the top of the door. The garden was empty apart from Maria's stockings and Lady Regan's flask.

"Let's go see." I said turning the handle.

"Do you think it's safe?" She said giving me a worried look. "What if someone sees you?"

"Then they see me. I'll say I am just visiting my loving family." I said and slowly opened the door. It creaked loudly and we froze. When we were met with silence we left the guesthouse and quietly crept to the backdoor. Soft voices were coming from inside the house and we looked at each other before creeping into the house. I held Ceecee's hand tightly as I led us to the sound of the voices. It was coming from the parlor and the doors were shut.

"Who's here?" Ceecee whispered and I shook my head and frowned at the doors.

"They never close the doors." I whispered back. I pressed my ear to the door but the oak was so thick that it was just muffled sounds. "I can't hear anything." I whispered and then a shadow passed over the key hole in the door. I smiled at Ceecee and dropped to the ground.

"What are you doing?" He hissed at me and I smirked at her.

"Listening!" I said quietly crawling to the door. I froze as I heard footsteps walk in front of the door. Then they walked away and I exhaled. I looked at Ceecee's worried face again and then knelt up to look in the keyhole.

"It is only going to add more stress to her if you tell her that." Spencer said. He was sitting in his chair in front of the window. His leg was still healing but he could walk around now. He was looking at someone who was out of my view.

"And besides she's only just started gaining weight again. She finally looks healthy." Maria's voice came from somewhere to the right, close to Spencer.

"She's still as clumsy as ever." Lady Regan spat and I rolled my eyes at Ceecee.

"What's going on?" She whispered.

"They're talking about me."

"To who?" She was kneeling on the floor just outside of the doorframe and her hands were clenched. I looked back in the key hole and shrugged.

"The wedding has taken its toil on everyone Your Grace." Lord Michael's voice was the loudest which let me know that he was the one closest to the door.

"Are you sure you can't postpone it?" Lady Regan sounded like she was begging. I shook my head at her and then held my breath as Adam came into view. He looked tired as he rested his elbow on the cold fireplace.

"It's not possible. We must marry in the month." He said and then turned to his audience. "I've already made a public announcement and arranged for the people to have a holiday." Everyone was silent for a moment then Maria sighed.

"She will be devastated." Maria said sadly. She sat on the arm of Spencer's chair and he held her hand lovingly.

"I know. How do I tell her?" Adam said rubbing his face.

"Well we have time." Lady Regan said. "She's still in the garden practicing her waltzing." She said. Adam looked up towards the doors and I ducked.

"Let's have something to drink and we'll discuss a way to handle this." Spencer said. "Eliza? Will you bring us the scotch in the kitchen?"

"Yes sir." She said and then door handle turned. I squeaked and scurried to the other side of the door and Ceecee and I pressed ourselves against the wall. Eliza came out and shut the door behind her. When she turned around she jumped.

"Oh sweet Jesus." She said clutching her chest. "What the bloody 'ell are you two standin' 'ere for?" She said and I grabbed her hand tightly putting a finger to my lips and leading her into the kitchen.

"What's going on?" I asked in a hushed voice once Ceecee closed the kitchen door.

"I have'ny the slightest." She said turning away from me. She could never lie to someone's face.

"Eliza?" I placed my hands on my hips and stared at her.

"I'm only supposed to stand there, not listen."

"Everyone listens." Ceecee said.

"I canny tell yea." Eliza said with a sigh. She gave me a sad smile and nodded. "But his majesty is quite the looka. Oh to be a girl again." She said fondly as she placed five cups onto a silver platter and grabbed the crystal vase filled with Scotch.

"Eliza please." I said gently grabbing her arm.

"My dear… Be patient." She said, smiling and then left the kitchen. When the door swung closed I sighed.

"I hate that everyone talks about how to tell me things, instead of _actually _telling me." I said and flopped down onto the bench. I rested my elbows on the table and sulked.

"Maybe its nothing." Ceecee said sitting across from me.

"It's bad. He was stressed about how he was going to tell me." I said and started tracing one of the table's old battle wounds. Ceecee was silent for a second and then sighed.

"I bet they'll tell me." She said and I looked up hopeful.

"They would."

"Even though we are best friends…" her voice faded and I shook my head.

"But they don't think like that. They think that we've just grown a fondness because you are my lady-in-waiting and we're of the same age." I grabbed her hands tightly. "Will you go find out?"

"Now?"

"What better time will there be?" I asked eagerly.

"A time when it doesn't look suspicious." She said and smiled. "I can not just walk in there demanding answers Suze."

"You're right." I said with a sigh and went back to sulking. The door burst open as Lucan padded in. I smiled at him as he put in head on my lap and whined.

"Looks like he wants to go for a walk." Ceecee said and Lucan's ears perked up.

"We walk to the same place everyday. It's boring now." I whined and Lucan put his head back down. He let out a high pitch whine and I sighed. "Alright lets go."

The three of us quietly snuck out the backdoor and walked towards the forest. As we walked everyday, we traveled down the path to Theodore's grave. As we were about to go into the forest my name was called and we turned to see Alexander leaning against a tree eating an apple. I squealed and raced to him. He wrapped his arms around me and swung me around.

"What are you doing here?" I asked kissing both of his cheeks before releasing him.

"His Grace seems to like my company. If I didn't know any better I'd think that he wanted me." Alexander said as he kissed Ceecee's cheeks.

"Get stuffed. He's in love with Susanna and everyone knows it." Ceecee said with a smile.

"Yes well… We'll see." He gave me a playful wink and then linked arms with us. "Where are we off too?"

"We're taking Lucan for a walk." I said happy to see my friend. It had been almost a year since we had last seen each other and I never realized how much I missed him. In the year he had grown about another inch and a small beard was starting to grow on his face.

"Well let's go then. I'm pretty sure His Grace does not require my assistance while he's visiting." Alexander said leading us back to the path that we always took.

Today however I noticed a fork in the path for the first time and after tens minutes of trying to convince Ceecee to take it, she caved and we found ourselves strolling through new territory. It was a beautiful day for walking; warm but not too hot and the ground was dry. The bugs were the worst part. As we got farther along the trail they got worse and worse, biting at every inch of skin that they could find. Even Alexander was starting to lose his humour because of the bugs. Then the trail led to a muddy pond about the size of Maria's fountain.

Lucan was the one who discovered the way to rid our bodies of the flies. He jumped into the pond and started swimming in small circles. The flies instantly backed off and he looked as happy as can be.

"Come on." I said unlacing my pink dress.

"Are you crazy?" Ceecee said shocked. "Look at how gross the water is! There could be fish in there."

"There's no stream connecting to the pond Ceecee." Alex said throwing his shirt behind him and pulling down his trousers.

"Besides there's nothing worse than these flies right now." I got her there. She watched as I flung off my clothes and we raced into the water. I left my hair in its bun and welcomed the cold muddy water as he kissed my skin. I didn't dare put my head under the water for fear that Lady Regan would complain about having to wash my hair again.

"Come on Ceecee. It feels great." Alex said and I kicked water at her. Lucan chose that moment to exit the pond and shake the water off his fur right onto Ceecee's dress. She squealed and then laughed.

"Well I guess since I'm wet anyways." She dove into the water with her dress on and appeared beside me.

"You are crazy!" I said laughing.

"You're crazy. What if someone walks by as you're putting your clothes back on?" She said and I raised my eyebrows and shrugged.

"Guess they'll have something to gossip about." Alex said and splashed water at her. As she splashed water back at him I noticed something floating on the top of the water.

"What is that?" She asked and I swam closer to it. I picked it up and its slimy body squirmed in my hand. I screamed a blood curdling scream and through the snake to the other side of the pond. "I'm getting out of here!" Ceecee screamed and struggled against the weight of her dress to get to the shore.

Once out of the water the three of us sat on the bank and breathed deeply. We looked at the water and then erupted in laughter.

"Why do those things always happen to us?" I asked as I lay back and let the warm sun dry off my body. Ceecee laughed and they joined me in sunbathing.

"I agree we always seem to have the most peculiar adventures." Alex said. We lay side by side in silence. Then Lucan barked and we became aware of the sound of footsteps.

"Oh my God!" I exclaimed and rushed to my clothes. Ceecee burst into laughter as she tried to help me dress quickly.

"Who walks down here?" Alex hissed as he raced around retrieving his clothes.

"I told you that you shouldn't have taken your clothes off."

"So they could be dyed like yours?" I think Lady Regan would beat me if my dress looked like yours." We both looked at Ceecee's once blue dress that was now a faded brown-blue colour.

"This was my favourite dress too." Ceecee sighed trying to brush the mud off.

"Worry about that later!" Alex hissed as he continued to struggle with his clothes.

"Susanna?" his voice made us jump and Ceecee instantly stopped laughing. Our eyes met and I blanked and then Ceecee nudged me and we curtsied, an art that I had finally mastered.

"Your Highness. I, uh we weren't expecting to see you for another month." I said as I turned to lace up my dress.

"Yes well. We heard a scream. Is everything alright?" He said his eyes taking in our damp, wrinkled clothing. His gaze landed on Alex who was currently lacing up his trousers.

"We were swimming in the pond." Ceecee said stepping closer. She seemed to have a bond with Adam, where she felt comfortable in his presence.

"I saw a snake." I said with a smile.

"She grabbed it actually." Alex laughed.

"And I screamed and through it to the other side of the pond." I said with a proud smile. Adam's gaze flicked from my smile to Alex's pants and I blushed.

"It's not what you're thinking." I said moving towards him. His eyes were cold as they met Alex's face and they didn't move until I touched his arm. "Adam?" I asked in a quiet voice and he blinked and looked down at me. He smiled. He touched my face and sighed.

"Would you mind excusing us for a moment? We'll be right behind you." Adam said to Ceecee and Alex.

"Of course You're Grace." Ceecee said curtsying again and the two of them scurried off.

"I've missed you." I said grabbing my shoes and quickly slipping them on before he head off for the house.

"Susanna." He caught my arm and held it tightly. I was shocked at the pressure he was applying to my arm. "I enjoy seeing you smile but this…" He looked at the pond and then back at me. "This can never happen again."

"I understand. It was just very hot and the flies were biting so we just wanted to-"

"When you are queen you will be watched by everyone. You are lucky that it was me who found you and not someone else." He said squeezing my arm tighter.

"Ouch, you're squeezing me too tight." I said trying to loosen his grip. Lucan growled loudly from my side and Adam blinked at me and then at him then let go.

"I'm sorry darling. I just… I'm stressed about the wedding and this war. Our wedding was to supposed to bring people hope for the country, to support the war but…It seems our troops are failing again. Our numbers are rapidly decreasing." He said rubbing my sore arm.

"Decreasing? Why?"

"A sickness has taken over France. Do not mistake me, the French numbers are dropping as well, but we need our men. It costs so much to ship them through the canal." Adam said rubbing his face as we started walking.

"You look tired." I said slipping my hand into his. My stomach was unsettled and I felt nauseous. He sighed and kissed my hand.

"I am darling. But seeing you makes me feel better, hopeful." He smiled at me and I couldn't help but smile back.

"We will be married soon." I said swinging our arms excitedly.

"Are you looking forward to being the Queen of England?"

"The better question is am I ready?" I said with a sigh. "According to Lady Regan I am not. Apparently I'm a lost cause. She tells me to ask Saint Jude for help every night." As I frowned Adam burst out laughing and my frown instantly turned into a smile. "Don't laugh. I am trying. I just can never seem to please her."

"No one can please Lady Regan." Adam said. "She's a cold hearted bitch. But she's loyal and a dear friend of my parents. She will keep our secret." He said kissing my head. "That's why I asked her."

"I was wondering what miracle she must have done to win your favour." I shook my head and the house came into view. I could practically see Lady Regan's cold stare of disapproval through the dark window.

After yet another bath and lecture from Lady Regan it was dinner time. Maria knocked on my door as I was about to put on my blue spring dress.

"I have something for you." She said holding out a large package. She closed the door behind her.

"What is it?" I asked taking it from her and placing it on the bed.

"It used to belong to me." She said and watched as I tore open the paper and lifted the lid off the box. Inside was a beautiful crystal headband. It was a single line of over 100 small crystals. When you turned it light erupted and sparkled all over the room.

"It's beautiful." I said smiling at her.

"There's more." She said nodding to the box. I smiled and placed the headband on the bed and pulled the white fabric out of the box. As it unfolded I gasped. It was a white dress with laces sleeves and the same matching crystals on the bodice. "Let me help you." She said nodding to Ceecee who stepped back. Maria helped me into the dress and laced the back for me. It had a low neckline that reached the tops of my breasts and sat just at the top of my shoulders. And lace completed the sleeves that, when my arms were at my sides, reached my knees. The skirt wasn't heavy and the body wasn't tight. It was a perfect fit and lay flat against my body, gently touching the ground.

"It's gorgeous." I said looking at myself in the mirror and touching the crystals on my stomach.

"Sit and I will do your hair." My hair was still damp and was starting to curl in ringlets. So Maria decide to make to braids starting that the side of my head and connecting in the back, leaving the rest of my hair down. She placed the headband in my hair and stood back.

"You look radiant." Ceecee exclaimed and they both smiled down at me. I studied my reflection in the mirror and smiled.

"I don't know what to say." I said looking at the light that shone through the headband and studying my dress. "I am so grateful."

"I'm just glad that my old dress can be put to good use." She said and kissed my head. "Now come. It's time to eat." She checked her elegantly dressed hair, that was in a high bun with many twists and turns you were constantly wondering how she managed that on her own. She pressed her hands down her dark blue dress and smiled at us. "Ladies?" We smiled and followed her out of the room.

The voices coming from the dinning room were loud and full of laughter. I stopped walking and placed my hands of my stomach. I still felt nauseous and I looked at Ceecee.

"You look so beautiful." She said misjudging my uncertainty and gently pushed me into the room. I was staring at the floor as we entered and then remembered that Lady Regan told me to always keep my chin up. _You are the Queen, for heaven's sake. Act like it. _I smiled at everyone as they stood, and strode to my seat beside Adam, who sat at the head of the table. The room was silent and as I looked around the room they were all staring. Maria gave me a knowing smile and Lady Regan actually looked impressed.

"Well?" I said and everyone laughed and sat back down.

"You look beautiful." Adam whispered grabbing my nearest hand and kissing it. His eyes twinkled and I felt my stomach turn with butterflies.

"Thank you." I whispered back and he let go of my hand as Stewart served Adam wine.

"It is such a pleasure to have you in our house Your Grace." Maria said as she raised her cup to be filled.

"We have a special room prepared for you in our guest house." Spencer said and I looked at Ceecee, but she just blinked. She was more likely the one who was going to be out of a bed tonight.

"I am very grateful. But I will not force someone out of they're sleeping space. The parlor couch should be fine for me." He said with a smile to Maria and then I felt his gaze land on me. My thoughts instantly went to Jesse last summer when he has spent weeks sleeping, or pretending to sleep, on that same couch. I felt queasy as the bowl of mushroom soup was placed in front of me.

"The parlor couch is no place for a king." Maria said with kindness but embarrassment.

"I barely sleep these days." Adam said with exasperation. "It would give me something to read while I attempt to sleep." He said and shared a laugh with Spencer.

"Do you like dogs Your Grace?" Spencer asked.

"I have never taken a liking to one in particular. But Susanna seems to have a special bond with her canine and therefore I must learn more about him." He said looking at Lucan who lay at my side.

"I have been working with him." I said jumping when I noticed he was laying on the floor. I snapped my fingers and he groaned as he got up and left the room. He lay just in the doorway, where he could still see me but wasn't near any guests. Adam raised his eyebrows at me and Spencer laughed. "It's a start." I said with a smile and Adam shook his head.

"It seems like there will be three of us walking down the isle on our wedding day." Adam teased and everyone laughed. I looked at Lucan who stared at my miserably and I felt sadness for him. It wasn't his fault that he was so attached. Maybe I did baby him too much. But I couldn't imagine not babying him. He was. in a way, very much my baby. When the chicken was served I whispered to Stewart for an extra slice of chicken and placed it in my napkin, making sure that no one saw me. I smiled at my baby, whose tail thumped the ground two times, before turning back to the conversation.

Dinner went late into the night and Lord Michael was the first one to leave. Naturally Lady Regan bide goodnight and left with him, but there was a look in her eyes that said she wished she didn't have to go. Ceecee had drank a lot of wine and was drifting off to sleep when finally Adam said that it was time for everyone to sleep.

I stood naked in my room and touched the beading on the dress and was thinking of my wedding dresses. Would they be as beautiful as this? Lucan barked from the bed as he finished the piece of chicken I had saved for him and I smiled. I through my night gown over my head and blew out the candle before climbing into the bed beside him.

"Don't worry darling. You are still my favourite." I said as he licked my face. He rested his head on the pillow next to me and I curved my body around his. I petted his fur as I listened to his breathing become deeper and finally he started snoring. But for some reason I could no sleep. I tossed and turned for at least an hour before I decided to get up. My stomach was all over the place and I could do nothing to get the feelings to go away.

I quietly opened the door and listened for any sign of people before I left the room. Lucan surprisingly didn't wake and I closed the door slightly behind me to let him sleep. The hallway was cold and dark, except for the light coming from the parlor. I quietly tip toed to the door and gently knocked on it. There was no response but I opened it anyways. The fire place was roaring and the room was warm but the blankets were empty and Adam was no where to be found. I blinked unsure of what I was seeing until I felt a breeze coming from the front door. I hadn't noticed that it was open.

I left the house without even thinking of shoes or a jacket. It was like I was being drawn to something and I couldn't stop moving towards it. I walked through the darkness past the brightly lit parlor window, past the dark barn where a horse, probably Lea, whimpered at me. I walked along the edge of the forest, down the gravel path and kept walking for ten minutes before I found him. He was sitting on a log, with his head in his hands. He was muttering something to himself and asking God why?

"Why what?" I said from behind him and he visibly jumped.

"Susanna, what are you doing out here?" He asked standing up. My eyes had adjusted to the night and I could just make out his face. "Its not safe for you to be out here."

"It's not safe for _you _to be out here." I said touching his arm. "What is it?"

"It's nothing." He said with a sigh and turned away from me.

"Adam please." Something in my voice made him turn back to me. He touched my face and then kissed me. He rested his forehead on mine for a minute and then sighed.

"Do you love me?"

"You know I do?"

"Say it. I need to hear it."

"I love you." I said and kissed him.

"I have to keep telling myself you do. I'm afraid that one day you'll stop loving me." He was shaking. "That one day you'll realize that I'm not the man you thought I was."

"That day will never happen because I love you. I love you more than anything and I always will." I said smiling. He stared into my eyes and then kissed me again. This time this kiss was more fierce. It was full of all the kisses that were missed from days we had been apart, it was full of longing for the days where we weren't allowed to kiss each other when we were together. I wrapped my arms around his neck and grabbed onto his hair as he slipped his arms under my knees and lifted me up. He gently laid my down on the grass and kissed me. His hands gently touched my face and then traveled to my waist as his mouth moved to my neck.

I gasped as his hands grabbed hold of my breast and gave it a tight squeeze. He looked at me and smiled. "I've missed you so much." He said and then kissed me again. I shivered as he unlaced the top of my night gown and started kissing between my breasts. My hands managed to pull his untucked night shirt over his head with ease and I felt the muscles in his back work as his mouth moved to my neck and then to my breast. I shuddered when his cold hand touched my bare leg and stayed on my hip as he sucked on my breasts.

I managed to unlace his trousers and he groaned when I started stroking him slowly at first and then more vigorously as the heat in me grew. When his cold fingers reached inside me my back arched and a cold shiver went through my body. We paused for a second breathing heavily on each other before he kissed me gently and forced his fingers up inside me. I gasped and tried to focus on pleasing him the way he was pleasing me but at one point he gasped as I squeezed to hard. I laughed and apologized and then he bit my left breast rather hard. It hurt but the pain set Goosebumps over my body and his hand worked furiously between my legs. Our stroking and forcing worked in rhythm with each other and before long we were both sweating and panting and groaning. Then as if we were one person, bliss took over both of us and we both froze, as if time itself had stopped, and let the feeling take over us.

Then it started to rain. It wasn't a light rain either. It was torrential downpour and within seconds we were soaked. I squealed as the ice cold water soaked through my nightgown and he laughed as he helped me off the ground. Together we raced back up to the house and into the entry way just out of the rain's reach. I leaned against the wall and tried to catch my breath. He stared at me with a hunger that made me shiver. He placed both hands on the wall, trapping me there and smiled. "I love you more than anything in this world. And I will let nothing stop us from getting married in a month." He said and I giggled. He bent in and kissed me fiercely, as if it was the last time he would ever kiss me. Yet when he kissed me, when we lay on the grass loving each other, the sinking, unsettling feeling in my stomach didn't go away. As I walked to my room, realizing that my nightgown revealed my entire body and not even caring, the feeling in my stomach seemed to have gotten worse and after shutting the door I grabbed my clean chamber pot and threw up.


	30. Trust

I awoke the next morning with a raging headache and I was bleeding. I groaned as a cramp rippled through my stomach. Lucan had been let out of the room already and it was strangely quiet in the house. I felt my stomach rumble with hunger and decided that I might as well get up and eat something. I quickly changed into a simple dark blue dress, tore the blankets off my bed and silently slipped into the kitchen.

Ceecee was sitting at the kitchen table with her head in her hands and Eliza smiled at me as she placed a steaming hot cup of black coffee in front of her.

"Everyone must'a 'ad a bit too much to drink last night." Eliza said with a chuckle.

"It would seem so." I said rubbing my stomach and sitting across from Ceecee. She raised her head, gave me a tired smile and took a sip from her coffee.

"My head hurts so bad today. I shouldn't have had that much wine." I smiled and thanked Eliza as she placed a plate of hot eggs, bacon and toast in front of me. Ceecee looked at it and turned green.

"I'll be right back." She said and rushed from the kitchen, almost knocking Maria over in her haste. Maria looked worried for a second and then shook her head.

"Are you feeling unwell too?" She asked sitting down at the table.

"Nothing that a hot bath and a piece of chocolate cake won't fix." I said and she nodded with understanding.

"Lady Regan has canceled your lessons for today." Maria said scooping sugar into her teacup.

"Oh thank God. I don't think I could've handled it today." Maria was quiet and that worried me. "What is it?"

"I can't say." She shook her head and looked like she was near tears.

"Maria please!" I grabbed her hand and she looked at me.

"It's just… He loves you. You need to know that. It has been so difficult on him and he's just…"

"Good morning ladies." Adam said appearing in the doorway with Lord Michael at his side. "How is everyone feeling?" He said looking at me with a smile. I blushed and stared at my plate.

"Everyone is sick with the drink today." Maria said, her tone changing.

"Most unfortunate." Lord Michael said with disapproval.

"Susanna, would you like to take a ride with me today?" Adam asked in a hushed tone. I thought of my stomach and longed for the bath and sighed.

"I don't feel like riding today, but I need to visit Lea so we could walk them in the pasture?" I smiled.

"Alright." He said. "Finish your breakfast and we will go." He said taking a piece of my bacon. I slapped his hand and he laughed at me as he ate my bacon. I grabbed his hand and struggled as he tried to keep putting the bacon in his mouth. He switched hands and shoved the whole piece in his mouth. I playfully frowned at him and he leaned over and kissed my cheek. Then we became aware of everyone watching us and I blushed again.

"How is Lady Regan today?" Maria asked after clearing her throat.

"Fine." Lord Michael said in a curt tone. "She also had too much wine."

"It was a fine dinner Maria. You and your staff did amazing." Adam said and Maria blushed.

"Thank you."

"Susanna, you're not going to eat both of those pieces of toast are you?" He said taking a piece of toast and standing up. "Come on." He said striding to the door. I looked at my plate and shook my head. I grabbed the toast, thanked Eliza for breakfast and then left with Adam to the barn. Lucan met us there, with Mary (an eight year old Irish Setter) and Rupert (a three year old English Bulldog). The three of them raced into the barn and stirred up the chickens as they played in the hay.

Lea neighed loudly as I approached her and I handed her the last bite of my toast. I put her bridle on and led her out to the pasture letting her run free. Adam held my hand and we stood in silence as we watched the magnificent horse run through the fields with the dogs barking behind her.

"She is beautiful." Adam said. "I'm glad you saved her."

"So am I. She has become a dear friend to me." Adam smiled down at me.

"You seem to have the most curious friends." I smiled proudly and nodded.

"It makes me happy to have them to talk to and know that my secrets are completely safe."

"Secrets? What secrets do you have?" He said taking both of my hands and kissing me.

"What secrets do you have?" I asked raising my eyebrows at him. He studying my face for a second and the sighed. He turned away from me and I felt my stomach sink. "Adam what is it?"

"You're not going to like it."

"But I need to know." He sighed and rubbed his face.

"Susanna, there have been…rumours."

"What kind of rumours?" He sat down on a tree stump and I knelt on the ground beside him.

"People are talking about you."

"About me? No one knows me."

"Someone has spread the word of your name." Adam said with a sigh. "Not your full name just your first name. There is talk about your blood line."

"Already?"

"Apparently there are some people who don't like me being happy." My thoughts went to Adam's murderous cousin Paul and I shook my head.

"Is that why you were so upset yesterday?" I asked holding his hands. He studied my face and sighed.

"Susanna what we are doing is breaking a law, a serious law that has caused thousands of lovers to break up and created thousands of unhappy marriages. I can't imagine loving anyone else."

"Adam I am not going anywhere. So a few sad people talked about me. It's just a rumour." He shook his head.

"I have to ask something of you and I know you're going to hate me for it."

"What is it?" I asked feeling bile rise in my throat.

"Susanna, to protect the family name and the royal crown I need you to pretend that your family…that they aren't… After we are married I'm afraid you can never see them again." His voice was stern but his face was sad. I stared at him but couldn't see him. All I could see was Papa getting older without me. Aggie growing into a woman who could be my twin and not getting to watch her get married. Debbie having more children and them being complete strangers to me. My life was being ripped away from me and there was nothing I can do about it.

"I can't…what you're asking is impossible."

"Susanna there is no other way." He shook his head sadly and I felt tears in my eyes. "I'm sorry. Once the rumours die down maybe you could exchange letters but…"

"I can't even write to them?"

"Letters can be intercepted. What if someone were to read it? Our lives would be ruined. We would both be put to death for breaking the law. Paul would get the crown."

"This wedding feels like its more work than it should be." I said standing up and wiping the tears from my face. "No one should have to give up everything for a marriage."

"It's not for a marriage Susanna. It's for love." His face was angry. I shook my head and new tears rolled down my face.

"I can't do this." I said crossing my arms over my stomach.

"Susanna you can't go back now. I have told everyone. The entire country will be in London packing the streets for the wedding. They are selling souvenirs in celebration of the royal wedding. It's too late." It was too much for me to handle. I shook my head and started back for the barn. "Susanna wait!"

"No! You wait! It is not my life that will be ruined by backing out. It's yours. It's always about you. Never once have you considered everything that I have to sacrifice for this ridiculous wedding. Never once have you thought about how I feel about this. Everything works out for you as long as I simply go along with what his majesty wants. Well you can FUCK OFF and wait for me to decide what I am going to do." I shouted. His face was red and he took a step towards me but I turned and quickly marched away. Lucan barked loudly and Lea appeared at my side as we entered the barn.

I sat on a hay barrel and took a deep breath as the tears rolled down my cheeks. Everything hurt, my head, my stomach, my heart. I needed something to relax me. I told the farm boys to look after Lea and walked back to the house, asking Eliza to fill the metal basin with the hottest water she could find and to cut me a huge slice of the chocolate cake served last night. I found the biggest mug in the house and poured it to the rim with wine.

After completely submersing myself in the boiling hot water and eating the chocolate cake I had calmed down. My stomach no longer cramped and the wine had taken away my headache and was giving me a buzz. I closed my eyes and sighed.

There was a soft tap on the door and without opening my eyes I allowed the visitor to enter. I didn't care if I was naked and drunk. I felt a hot wet tongue on my hand and heard a stool being dragged to the side of the tub. I opened my eyes and Lucan barked at me before lying beside the tub. Ceecee sat on the other side of the tub with her own piece of cake.

"He told you huh?" She said and I nodded. "He's pretty upset. He's ordering the carriages to be set up so they can leave within the hour."

"Then I guess I better stay in here till he leaves." I said stubbornly, but my stomach dropped at the thought of him leaving during a fight.

"Are you still going to marry him?" She asked with a worried expression.

"Of course I am. After all the work that's gone into this wedding, I can't back out now." I sighed. "And there's the fact that despite his stupidity and selfishness I still love him."

"Good." Ceecee said.

"Do not tell him though. If he's going to leave still angry at me he can worry about whether I am going to show up or not." I said smiling and drinking the last sips of my wine. Ceecee shook her head with a smile and sighed as she placed her empty plate on the nearest table.

"So I have some gossip for you." She said stealing my cup and taking a sip.

"Is it something to do with this stupid wedding because I will lose my mind?"

"No it's nothing to do with that."

"Well?" I said impatiently.

"Sheesh you are grumpy today. It's Lady Regan." Ceecee's voice dropped to barely a whisper. "Last night when I went to bed I heard her and Lord Michael talking. They were bickering about something and I just shrugged it off and passed out. But an hour later I woke to the sounds of crying and shouting. He was beating her."

"What?" I sat up quickly, causing water to spill over onto the floor. Ceecee sighed as she grabbed a towel and mopped it up.

"He was hitting her. I could hear it. Then the crying stopped and the bed started creaking and he started grunting."

"He raped her?" Her eyebrows raised and she shrugged. I felt horrible. I sat back in the water and felt my heart break for that lady. "What do we do?"

"What do you mean _what do we do? _We can't do anything. That's his wife. He can do to her as he pleases."

"You can't sit there and say that there's nothing we can do. She's in her room hiding because she probably has bruises and is exhausted from being raped. And there is no way that this is the first time he's hit her." I shook my head. "There has to be something that we can do."

"I don't know. I'm too afraid to even go into the guesthouse in case I see her. I wouldn't know what to say."

"Is Lord Michael leaving with the King?"

"Yes, I believe so. I saw his cases being taken out of the guesthouse not but ten minutes ago."

"Good, we shall go and visit her tonight."

"No I…we can't."

"We have to. As a fellow woman we have to stick together and defend her. She is a cold hearted bitch but she doesn't deserve that." Ceecee frowned and hung the dripping towel on a peg. She held up a dry towel for me and I climbed out of the bath. She wrapped the towel around me and grabbed my clothes. Together we walked back to my room, not caring that the farm boys were watching me and that Adam fully stopped to stare at me as I passed by. I stepped towards me but I ignored him and disappeared into my room.

An hour later there was a knock on the door. I sat at my table finishing tying my hair into a long braid and sighed. I opened the door and Adam stood in the doorway. I instantly crossed my arms over my dark dress and gave him a cold look.

"Yes?"

"I'm leaving for London. I'm needed there."

"Better there than here." I said and he scowled at me.

"Why are you being like this?" He said whispering.

"What were you expecting? For me to be deeply upset that you're going back? For me to instantly cry and kiss you, beg you to stay? I'm sorry _darling _but I am not that desperate."

"So the weddings' are off then?"

"I don't know. You'll have to wait and see if when you come to my house in a month."

"You're going to make me wait a month to find out if we're getting married or not?"

"Maybe it'll help you realize how I feel." I said and closed the door. I rested my back against the door and held my ice-cold hands together tightly as I listened to him exhale with frustration and then storm away. He snapped at someone on the way out and I heard the carriage door slam shut. I took a deep breath and went to the bed. I lay down, with my head resting on Lucan and cried.

Later that night I left my room, after crying for an hour and sleeping for three, and decided that it was time to eat something. Maria and Spencer had called for me at dinnertime but I was sleeping so they saved me a plate of shepherd's pie. I noticed another piece was saved and knew that it must've been for Lady Regan. So I grabbed both plates and a big bottle of wine and the rest of the chocolate cake, put it into a basket and carried it out the back door to the guesthouse. Candles were burning in her room but not Ceecee's so I assumed Ceecee was in the parlor reading or talking with Spencer. I told Lucan to stay outside the house and went in.

I knocked on her door, but there was no answer. I could hear her sniffling in the room and knocked again. But still she didn't answer. So I just opened the door and went in. The room was a mess. There were clothes everywhere and the sheets were all askew. Lady Regan sat at her vanity looking at locket with two pictures in it and she was crying.

"I brought you food." I said and she jumped.

"Susanna. Get out." She said more shocked than angry. There was a bruise on her left cheekbone and her nightgown was open at the top where it looked like there were small bite marks on her collarbones.

"What did he do to you?" I said placing the basket on the table and walking to her. I reached out to touch her face but she turned away. I gently grabbed her chin and turned her face back. Her eyes were red and her face was pale. She looked exhausted. Her long hair reached her lower back and it was all tangled. Her nightgown was wrinkled. She was a mess. I sighed and went back to the basket.

"Here." I said passing her the bottle of wine and her dinner.

"I'm not hungry." She said eyeing the food longingly.

"Eat it." I said placing it in front of her and picking up a brush.

"What are you doing?"

"Letting you know that someone cares." I said and gently started to brush her hair. She cried softly as she ate her dinner and drank the wink straight from the bottle. After she was done eating we sat on her bed and shared the chocolate cake and the wine.

"He wasn't always like this." She said sadly. "He used to be gentle and kind. That's the saddest part."

"What happened?"

"Our last child was a girl. Her name was Shannon. He was so happy that she was born he completely ignored our two sons and his life was instantly about her. She was a cute baby, dark haired, green eyes, happy. Then one day I took her out to the market and placed her on a blanket beside me. I lay down beside her and watched her sleep peacefully. She was four months old. As I watched her sleep somehow I fell asleep beside her and when I woke up… she was gone." Tears leaked from her eyes and she shook her head.

"Someone took her?" She nodded.

"When I got home and told Michael… He was furious. He swore at me, hit the boys and disappeared for days looking for her. When he came home a week later he was drunk and angry and from then he's beaten me every time we're alone. Every time he…every time we…he tells me that I will give him his daughter back and after that he has no use for me." She looked at me and my heart broke at her face. " But it seemed like God didn't want us to have our daughter back."

"I'm so sorry." I said touching her hand. She inhaled deeply and shook her head.

"My daughter would be 36 right now. Every year on her birthday I hide while Michael tears the house apart looking for someone to hit. He used to take it out on the boys but I would stand in for them, until I sent them away to boarding schools. They never visit us, or write. I don't think they blame me for the way their father acts but they blame me for being careless with my child."

"It's not your fault." I said and she frowned.

"Susanna I'm looking for sympathy. I was a child who was taking care of a child and I was irresponsible. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I wonder if she married and had children, if she was happy with the parents that she got. I hope that the people who took her really needed her to make they're lives better. But I know that I was a fool and for that I understand why my husband beats me."

"Despite what you have done it is not right for him to do that."

"When you are married you will find out that there are a lot of things that aren't right, but you do them because you're married. He is your husband and despite everything you love him." She sighed and fell silent while I thought about Shannon, and Adam and how I could help Lady Regan. Shortly after we fell asleep.

"Susanna hurry up!" Lady Regan shouted through my door. Since our midnight chat nothing seemed to have changed. She still wore her hair in a high bun, she still ordered me around and barked at Ceecee when she got in the way. But at some points she would say things in a softer tone or gently tap my hand with a wooden spoon.

"I'm trying to dress as fast as possible." I shouted back.

"The ladies are going to be here any minute." She said and I rolled my eyes as Ceecee tightened the laces on my dress.

"Are you nervous?"

"Are you a girl?" I asked and Ceecee laughed.

"Technically I am a woman."

"Then technically I terrified. This is my first test. What if I fail?"

"You won't fail." She said confidently. "You've been studying for 5 months." Today ladies from the castle were coming to discuss the wedding details and to take my measurements for the wedding dress. They already had the dress made they just had to make the final adjustments.

"Ok I'm finished." She said just as the hallway outside my door erupted in barking and shouts. I closed my eyes took a deep breath and looked in the mirror. Ceecee had dressed me in a royal blue dress that touched the ground and shimmered in the light. A gold ribbon sat under my breast and the dress had a slit in the front from the ribbon to the floor and when the wind caught it, it would open to show white fabric underneath. She placed my hair in a high bun with twists and turns, letting a couple of short pieces curl around my face. She placed the crystal headband in my hair and added pink powder to my cheeks. When I saw myself I was amazed at how sharp I looked. "Well?"

"This is amazing!" I said studying my face. "You always do the best job." I kissed her cheek and held her hands. "Thank you."

"Hurry up before she yells again." Ceecee said beaming with pride.

"Right." I nodded. I pressed my hands to my nervous stomach, took a deep breath and opened the door. I walked to the parlor and stopped for a second, taking another breath and then opened the door.

"She's a very nice girl." Maria was saying. "She just has a slight tardiness problem."

"Ah here she is, finally." Lady Regan said holding her hand out to me and giving me a sharp look. "Lady Susanna, let me introduce Lady Molly Rumpkin, Lady Diana Prince and Lady Margret Jones." I looked over the three women studying me and smiled.

"Sorry to keep everyone waiting." I said politely offering each one a handshake. "Let's get started shall we?" I sat by the fire place: back straight, arms in, chin up, and watched as the women started fluttering all around me.

"As you know the wedding is in less that three weeks." Lady Molly said. She was a stout woman with died red hair and sharp grey eyes. Her dress was ivory with golden specks and was very low cut to reveal a very large bosom. She puffed and groaned as she reached into a large trunk and pulled out a thick book. "We have most of the arrangements set up but there are a few things that we needed your council on." She said and I nodded. She hesitated before offering me the book and I smiled.

It was leather bound with no script on the front and thick pieces of parchment to make the pages. The book held a million types of fabric. I flipped through the pages and pretended to be studying them. But in reality I had no idea what I was doing. I briefly looked at Lady Regan and Maria, hoping they would get my message. Maria smiled back and Lady Regan took charge.

"As we discussed you need to chose a colour scheme for the table clothes, the napkins and the dresses." She said appearing at my side.

"Of course." I said turning a page.

"Have you thought of any?" Lady Diana asked. She stood pulling pieces of white fabric from the trunk and studied them. She was a woman about my height with dark black hair. Her skin was dark too and her eyes shone brightly. But they studied me closely and I knew they were watching my every move.

"I have thought of a few, but some I am…not too sure about." I lied. I touched a piece of golden fabric and studied the way it looked in the light. "What colour are the flowers?"

"The flowers?" Lady Molly asked.

"Yes? Haven't you picked the flowers yet?" I asked with a snippier tone than I meant. Both women jumped and raced to the trunk for another book. Lady Regan actually smiled at me and gently squeezed my shoulder.

"Well normally the bride picks her bouquet and because we didn't know the colour scheme…" Lady Molly stammered as she handed me another large book of pressed flowers and flower drawings.

"We were thinking white lilies." Lady Diana said.

"I don't like lilies." I said truthfully. "I like tulips and roses. Irises are nice too and lavender." I sighed. "It's just incorporating those that will be the problem." I studied the flower book and bite my lip. Lady Regan squeezed my shoulder and I sat straighter, realizing I had started to get comfortable which meant slouching and un-lady-like habits.

"We can dye the flowers to match the fabric." Lady Margret peeped from the windowsill. She was a young girl with rich brown hair that she wore up. She wore a light pink dress and her blue eyes sparkled. Her stomach was slightly swollen with child and her cheeks were full and glowing.

"You can dye the flowers?" I asked and she smiled and nodded.

"It has never been done for a royal wedding before." Lady Molly turned her nose up at her and Lady Diana nodded. "But if you chose colours such as red and purple we can incorporate the irises, lavender and the roses." I frowned at this thinking of how my bouquet would look.

"But you're leaving out the tulips." Lady Margret said.

"Some compromises must be made." Lady Diana said sharply. They clearly had a problem with the younger girl standing up to them.

"I agree with Lady Margret." I said finally. "It wont work well. How hard is it to dye the flowers?"

"They will have to start immediately." She said beaming.

"I have picked my colours." I said looking at the golden fabric. "I would like yellow flowers with white irises and white lavender." Lady Molly and Lady Diana looked defeated for a second and then started talking about ideas of the bouquet fabric at the same time. I held my hand up to silence them and they looked startled.

"I would like yellow and white flowers for my bouquet but I also want my flower girls to have the same colours in their hair. Also I have chosen this golden fabric and this white fabric with the golden flowers. I want the dresses to be made with most of this white fabric and accented with the gold fabric." Lady Margret's job was to write everything down and she was scribbling away in the corner. "Also I want the cathedral to have a chair for everyone, not just for His Grace and myself."

"Chairs miss?" Lady Molly asked me. She was pale now and this made me smile.

"Yes, everyone will get tired from standing there for too long. I think chairs with this fabric draped over them will look splendid. The tablecloths can be made from the gold fabric but I would like these golden flowers sown into the fabric but with white thread. The napkins can be made from this white fabric and…that's it." I said sitting up a little straighter. "Will this be a problem?"

"No my lady." Lady Molly bowed.

"Absolutely not." Lady Diana said with a bright fake smile. I knew the two of them would go off and complain about me but I felt proud of myself. Lady Margret was still writing away but her smile was genuine entertainment.

"Now for the dress measurements," Lady Margret said. "Have you gained very much weight?"

"I don't know." I said looking at Maria nervously.

"She's hasn't gained very much but she looks healthy now." Lady Diana held out a long ribbon with markings on it and started measuring my waist, bust, arms, hips, almost every inch of my body. She would relay the measurements to Lady Margret who wrote them down happily.

"You're ladies in waiting will help get you ready on the day of your wedding and we will be standing by to make sure everything goes smoothly." Lady Diana said.

"How many Ladies have you chosen?" Lady Molly asked. I blanked. Ceecee was the only one and I had no idea who I was supposed to chose.

"Two." I said quietly.

"Two?" Lady Diana said. She looked at Lady Molly and they shared a brief smile.

"Lady Susanna is very particular about her Ladies-in-waiting. They are the closest women to her. She is not about to let anyone into her bonds of friendship." Lady Regan said. "She knows better than to trust strangers." This made Lady Molly blank and Lady Diana frown. Lady Margret however smiled.

"Well I am absolutely starving. All this wedding talk has made me think of the feast. Shall we go and eat in the garden ladies?" Maria asked sensing the tension. The three women followed Maria out of the parlor, each one bowing to me before leaving. I sighed when they're voices faded and shook my head.

"I'm proud of you Susanna. You did very well." Lady Regan said clearing up the books. I started to help, as did Ceecee.

"You were superb. I thought Lady Molly was going to faint when you started on about the dresses."

"I agree. She looked very pale when you took charge." Lady Regan smiled.

"And Lady Diana, she's quite the character." Ceecee tutted. "You'll have to be extra careful."

"I know. But Lady Margret was nice."

"She's the one you will have to watch the most Susanna." Lady Regan said and I frowned.

"She seemed friendly enough. And she's young. How dangerous could she be?"

"She's the wife of Adam's successor."

"She's P-Paul's wife?" I looked back at the window seat and shook my head. "That's impossible."

"They married five months ago after meeting at the Christmas ball."

"But her name is Jones."

"Paul's mother was the Old King's sister. Her name was Jones. Paul is next in line." I felt sick to my stomach.

"But he's-she's so young."

"The younger the better." Ceecee grumbled.

"Just be careful. He's chosen her to befriend you, to spy on you and to ruin you." Lady Regan said and suddenly I had to sit down.

"I can't do this."

"Yes you can." Ceecee said closing the trunk.

"I can't be watched everyday. I can't be someone that I am not."

"You will learn, as you already have, to change. You can be both people you just have to learn when it is the right time to be that person." Lady Regan said. "Ceecee will help you, along with whomever else you've chosen to be your ladies-in-waiting."

"Who is the other girl?" Ceecee asked and I smiled. I turned to Lady Regan and grabbed her hand.

"You." I said and she stared at me shocked.

"M-me?" She looked flustered for a second. "But I'm so old. Surely you wont want an old woman following you around, telling you what to do."

"That's exactly what I want. I need you close to me at all times in case I forget myself. Please say yes."

"Well I can't exactly say no to the future Queen. My husband wont like it and people will talk."

"Let them talk. I am becoming the Queen and I intend to ruffle some feathers." I said smiling. Lady Regan smiled back and Ceecee laughed. Then the three of us went out to join the ladies for lunch, all the while missing the girl who hid behind the parlor door listening to every word that was said.


	31. The First Wedding

**A/N: Sorry this took so long everyone. With all the drama going on I haven't felt the mood to write, but as I said last time hopefully things will change. This chapter took me longer, because even though it's crucial to the story it was still a filler with not too much drama and a lot of emotions. I promise to try updating more and thanks for sticking with me.**

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I left Ceecee and Lady Regan at Maria's house to avoid questions from the guests. As the carriage pulled up to the small farmhouse I sighed and felt a pain in my chest. The sun was just starting to set and the light made the house look like it was glowing. This would be the last night I would sleep here. This would be the last day I spent with my family. This would be the last time I was Susanna Simon or even Susanna Fitzpatrick. After tomorrow Susanna Simon would only exist in people's memory. It was like I was dying. I couldn't help the tears the poured from my eyes.

"She's here!" Aggie cried from the hill and I quickly wiped my face and opened the carriage door. I smiled brightly as she raced into my arms and wrapped herself tightly around me. "Come on. We've so much to show you." She said pulling on my hand and dragging me into the house.

"Thank goodness you're here." Mother Fitzpatrick said, but only half of what she said registered in my head. The whole house was filled with flowers, cakes, boxes and more. I blinked at the bustle of energy going on in the house and words escaped me.

"Susanna?" A face appeared in front of me blinking at me with bright blue eyes. Her face was slightly swollen and her eyes were tired but she was glowing.

"Debbie!" I exhaled and hugged onto her tightly. I let the tears pour from my eyes and the rest of the house fell silent as they watched me sob into my sister's shoulder.

"Oh Susanna. It's alright." She said patting my back and stroking my hair. "You'll be fine." I could hear her whisper something to someone behind me and when I let go everyone was gone but Mother and Debbie.

"Here have a seat and we'll get you some tea."

"I can't leave!" I sobbed once the hot tea was placed in my hands. Debbie and Mother exchanged a smile and mother patted my shoulder.

"It's scary Susanna, and even scarier for you because you have a completely different life to go and live but you will adjust." Mother said gently touching my cheek.

"I'll miss everything. I'll miss Aggie growing up and the boys working in the fields. I'll miss you're baby being born and all the other children you'll have-"

"I don't think I can take much more of this." Debbie said rubbing her sore back and struggled to sit down in the rocking chair by the fire. Fresh tears formed in my eyes and I started sobbing again.

"Oh Susanna. Come now." Mother said with slight annoyance. "Here drink this." She said handing me a different glass. Without even thinking I took a gulp and felt the whiskey burn my throat and warm my stomach. I sighed a deep sigh and shook my head.

"I'm going to be very home sick."

"You'll be too busy to even notice." Mother said. "Now stop thinking about it and lets finish these decorations. We've only got 18 hours before the wedding."

"Don't say that or she'll cry again." Debbie teased.

"Are many expected to attend?" I asked as I picked up a napkin and copied the script that mother had used to stitch my initials and Adam's initials into.

"Only close family and friends." Debbie said.

"About 20 people. We're going to have the celebration in the barn, like you had for…well when you married Andrew." She touched her chest and fell silent. I felt guilty. Never once had I thought about how this whole thing was affecting anyone else but me.

"I still love him." I said touching mother's hand.

"I know. I just wish he were here." She sniffled. "I've lost him and now I'm losing you. I don't know what to do with myself."

"Oh mother!" I started sobbing and wrapped my arms around her.

"My goodness all this crying is going to make us really behind for the wedding tomorrow." Debbie said with frustration. She got up off the rocking chair handed me a pair of scissors and a small group of field flowers. "Here cut these while you cry." She smiled but I knew she was sad too. So without mentioning it anymore we settled down to work and laughed the night away with tales of mother's and Debbie's weddings.

The next morning I woke slowly. Since Bradley went off to fight and Jacob now had his own house I had the room all to myself. I laid in my childhood bed for an extra ten minutes before I pushed back the covers and went to the window. I opened the shutters and closed my eyes as the warm sun lit up my face. It was a beautiful day and everyone seemed cheerful down below. Papa and Jacob were putting the wagon together while David and Simon were mucking the stalls and laying down new hay.

As I was watching my family work there was a knock at the door. Debbie's head appeared and she smiled.

"I have something for you." She said and opened the door with a huge tray of food. It looked delicious. I smiled slightly and touched my stomach.

"I'm afraid that I am too nervous to eat." I said sadly. She looked at the tray and frowned.

"I told you." Mother appeared holding a long box. "I said to her, she's not going to eat all that food. She'll be a nervous wreck." Debbie rolled her eyes and sat with the tray on her lap.

"I'll eat some of it Debbie." I said sitting beside her and picking up a piece of bacon. Debbie smiled and she too ate some of the food.

"I'll let you finish eating before we put the dress on."

"My mother's dress?" I asked looking at the box.

"Yes. We had to make a few adjustments since you stopped eating but it is pretty much the same dress." Debbie said. I jumped off the bed and grabbed the box, opening it very slowly. I gently pulled out the white dress that I had seen so many times. One time, when I was younger, instead of cleaning the rooms I went through my mother's trunk and found the dress. I tried it on and started dancing around the room. Momma caught me and was furious, but she later promised that one day the dress would be mine. And now the day had arrived. I looked at Debbie and mother with anticipation and they both laughed.

"Or we can dress you now and then carefully eat after." Debbie said and I clapped my hands.

An hour later I was done getting ready. My hair was down with a crown of flowers placed on my head and a long white veil on top of it. My dress was beautiful. It was white, with long sleeves and a neckline that hugged my neck. It had lace sown on top of the sleeves and neck and at the bottom of the dress. It hugged my waist and flowed to the ground with delicate wave. I stared at myself in the mirror and sighed as Debbie and mother started crying again. I was about to start crying myself when we heard someone riding up the drive. We all rushed to the window to see some man in black race to the front door.

Papa stopped him and they shared silent words before they shook hands and papa pointed to the house. He looked at the door and then up at the window and I jumped.

"He's here." I said sitting on the floor just beneath the window.

"He can't be here." Debbie said gathering the half eaten food.

"It's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding."

"We'll go send him away." Debbie said and the two of them left the room. My heart was racing as I tried to hear what was going on downstairs. I couldn't stand it. I got up and silently went down the stairs and hid in the hallway to listen.

"I just have to talk to her." Adam said. "We parted on bad terms."

"I'm sorry but it is bad luck." Mother said stubbornly. I could picture her standing with her arms folded and her face stern. I smiled.

"I just…I need to make sure that she still wants to marry me."

"Why wouldn't she?" Debbie said.

"What did you do?" Jacob's voice came from somewhere close.

"We had an argument and I don't know if she wants to marry me anymore."

"Well I'll go ask her but you still cant see her." Jacob said. Then he appeared in the doorway and jumped when he saw me sitting on the stairs.

"Holy Shit." He said and I covered my mouth to stop the laughter.

'What is it?" Debbie asked.

"Just a rat." He said smiling at me. "I'm going to toss it outside." He held his arm out and I linked my arm through his. And we quietly walked out the back door. We sat on the log where Jacob had comforted me and Momma had told me about Aggie coming. We were silent for a while, just soaking up the sun and listening to the sounds around us.

"Did he hurt you?" Jacob finally asked.

"No he just made me angry." I shrugged. "So I told him he'd have to wait and see if I'd meet him at the altar or not." Jacob was silent for a second and then laughed.

"I can remember Momma telling me a story like that. She was stubborn like you are." He smiled. "You actually look a lot more like her now."

"You think so?" I said touching the St Agnes medallion that still hung around my neck.

"She would be very proud of you. She always was." Then his face went sullen. "But she would not want you to marry if you didn't love or if the marriage would make you give up your life."

"I'm not giving up my life Jacob, I'm just changing it." I sighed. "I didn't want to leave you guys behind, but I do love Adam and I made a promise that I intend to keep." He studied my face for a second and then sighed.

"I'm going to miss you." His words were barely louder than a whisper but I still heard them. My eyes instantly filled up with tears. He wrapped his arms around me and we held onto each other tightly.

"You will have to tell her." I said. He nodded knowing that I meant Aggie. "Don't wait until it's too late. But don't tell her before she's ready."

"Any other requests on how to raise my children?" he smirked and I shook my head.

"Only that you write to me often about them."

"I promise." He kissed my head and then held out his hands for me. "Come now. It's time for you to get married."

The chapel was bright and full of people. The back doors were forced open because of the heat and the amount of people. I looked over at Papa who sat beside me in the carriage and he smiled.

"There are so many people here."

"There are so many people who love you." He said and kissed my hand. Then the sound of a small piano started playing and everyone turned to watch as I opened the carriage door. Papa held tightly to my hand as he helped my out of the carriage and towards the door to the chapel. He stopped at the doors and kissed my cheek before he covered my face with the veil.

As we slowly walked down the aisle I smiled at all the people around us but I never registered a face. I felt my hands sweat and my heart race. I looked up at the altar and Adam stood beaming at me. I almost burst out laughing when I looked down and saw his kilt, the same one he had worn when we had stayed in Edinburgh. He had grown out a small blonde beard but I still knew it was him. We smiled at each other and I couldn't look anywhere else.

The ceremony passed in a blur. Papa kissed my cheek and gave me away, Reverend Thomas blessed us and our wedding bands and then gave Adam permission to kiss his bride. When he lifted my veil and kissed me I was shocked. It finally registered that I had just married this man, this man who ruled my country, who was one of my best friends and not the man who a year ago I had thought I'd be standing here with. When his lips left mine there were tears in my eyes but I smiled. He held out his arm and I linked mine through and together we strolled down the aisle as a new married couple.

"I still can't believe you got married TWICE before I did." Gina said appearing in front of me. I beamed at her and wrapped my arms tightly around her.

"I can't believe you came."

"This is the biggest event that is happening this year. How could I pass it up?" She kissed my cheek and then turned to Adam, whom everyone was calling Henry. "I don't know how you managed to steal her heart but you better not break it, or you'll have the whole town breaking you." She threatened him with a smile.

"I promise I will do no such thing." He said and then kissed her cheek lightly.

"I like this one Susie." She said giving me a wink and then walking away allowing other guests to greet us.

"Susie huh?" Adam whispered in my ear.

"She always called me that as a child."

"I like it." He said kissing my cheek and boldly touching my behind. I swatted his hand away as Jacob and Debbie stopped in front of us.

"What a beautiful ceremony." She said, her eyes red from crying and her face puffy with her pregnancy. I smiled and kissed her cheek.

"It wouldn't have been without you." I said.

"You really did do a fantastic job." Adam said and Debbie blushed.

"How are you two holding up?" Jacob asked looking at the long line behind them. I smiled and Adam sighed.

"If I get threatened one more time I'm going to leave." He said and Jacob laughed.

"It's a ritual in this town. When a woman marries the man always gets a warning on what will happen to him if she ever gets hurt."

"I don't remember them doing that to you." I said and Jacob shrugged.

"It's because they all threatened me." Debbie said with an eye roll and we laughed.

"Good luck." Jacob said to Adam and I couldn't help but smile.

"Auntie is it true that you are moving away _again!_" Aggie said pulling on my dress, reminding me that they were there. I bent down and wrapped my arms around her and the boys.

"I am moving away, but a letter will always reach me."

"But I don't know how to write." Samuel said and I laughed and kissed his head.

"Well your papa knows how to write so he can teach you."

"But we'll miss you." Aggie said tears in her eyes.

"I know but maybe one day you will come and visit me and you can play with Lucan."

"And we'll have kids then so you can play with them too." Adam said bending down beside me. I could feel my face heat up but I smiled anyways. Aggie wrapped her arms around his neck and sighed.

"Will they be boys?" She asked.

"Two boys and three girls." He said confidently.

"Good. I could use some girls to play with." Aggie said kissing his cheek and bouncing off after her parents.

"Five children? What are you thinking?"

"That I want as many children with you as possible. I was thinking more like ten but I don't want you to be fat." He teased and I smacked his stomach just as old family friends appeared before us.

"And so it starts." The husband said. We laughed and I pushed aside the feeling of worry that was growing in my stomach.

The celebration ended well past midnight and almost everyone was drunk. There were men sleeping in the hayloft and children sleeping under tables. The band had stopped playing because their drunken fingers could no longer hold a tune and the women were all yawning on the benches barely speaking a word because all the words had been used.

"I think it's time we left." Adam said and I nodded as I hid a yawn behind my hand.

"I just have to say goodbye to my family." I looked around the barn for my family and then realized that the only person left was David. Papa had gone to be early because of his sore back and Debbie and Jacob had taken the kids up to the house about an hour after. David sat resting his head on Johnny's shoulder and was dozing off. I kissed his head and his eyes opened.

"We're going to go now." I said quietly brushing his red curls back as if he were a child.

"Ok." He said standing up and Johnny stood as well. "I love you." He said and wrapped his arms around me. I was taken back by his sudden affection. David and I had always been close, but I was always the one who reassured him that he was loved not the other way around.

"I love you too." I said and kissed his cheek. "Take care of everyone."

"I will."

"And I'll take care of him." Johnny said catching David as he staggered. I smirked and kissed Johnny's cheek.

"Thank you." I said felt Adam's hand on my back. He gently led me out of the barn where a black carriage waited for us.

"Where are we going?" I said as I waved to our remaining guests as the carriage drove away.

"It's a surprise." He said and looked out the window into total darkness. His leg bounced in anticipation and I smirked.

"Is it far?"

"You'll see." He smiled at me and I couldn't help but smile back. I reached over and grabbed his hand. He kissed it and then looked back out the window. I studied his face and wondered what could possibly make him this excited. It wasn't until we pulled up to the house that I realized what was making him anxious.

We pulled up to a small house with a gravel drive and large oak doors that opened into the house. The front of the house was lit by lanterns, which allowed me to see most details. The walls were white stone with a red roof and large glass windows sat on both sides of door. There was a small barn off to the side where horses were stored but there wouldn't be enough room for plows or cows. There was a garden in the front with two red rose bushes. Adam jumped out of the carriage and opened the door for me. He held out his hand to me and I slowly reached out and grabbed his hand.

I stepped down onto the familiar grass and stared at the new house where my old house used to stand. I felt tears in my eyes and pain in my chest.

"What do you think?" he whispered.

" I…It's…Why?" I say without moving any closer.

"Why what?"

"Why did you choose this spot?" The memories of Andrew flood my mind: when we held hands and walked through the forest, when we planted the small tree growing to the side of the new house, when I got that letter and he held me so tightly as if I would disappear. The tears poured from my eyes and I started sobbing.

"Susanna I'm sorry." Adam's arm instantly wrapped around me and held onto me tightly. "I just thought this would be a good way to start fresh but still have a piece of the old times." I listened to his words and I stopped sobbing but the tears still fell. "We can go if you want? I'll sell the place and we'll never speak of this again?"

"No." I looked up at the house and wiped my face. "It's a new start, a new house and new me. A queen doesn't cry about silly things like this." I said and looked up at him. He stared down at me shocked and then touched my cheek.

"I never wanted to hurt you."

"I know." I looked at the house and sighed. "It really is beautiful."

"Wait till you see the inside." He said with a smile and picked me up and carried me over the threshold, as every good husband should.

When you walked into the house you entered a hallway. The hallway went the length of the house with three doors and one archway. The archway was closest to us and inside was the sitting room with a nice large fire. There were brand new rocking chairs and even a love seat in front of the large window. The door closest was the door to the kitchen. It had a small round table with four chairs and tall counter tops. There were cabinets on the ceiling, which contained glass plates and ceramic cups. The doors closest to the end were bedrooms, one bigger than the other. Both had equally sized beds but the larger room had more decoration: flowers, pillows, and paintings.

"You have really outdone yourself sir." I said smiling at him as I united the strings to my wedding dress, slipped it off and flopped down onto the soft bed. I laid back and closed my eyes feeling the alcohol make my head spin.

"I wanted to give you the best."

"Well it isn't the best but it's pretty darn close." I said propping myself up on my elbows and smiling at him.

"Oh really?" He smirked and then jumped on top of me and started tickling me. I grabbed his hands to make him stop and he ended up gaining control of my hands and raising them above my head. He started to kiss me, my lips my neck my chest and with one hand holding my hands, he untied my underwear and gently slipped it off. He kissed every inch of my body before he started taking his clothes off and I thought I was going to burst. His kiss sent shivers down my spine and made my knees shake. He moved me up higher onto the bed so my head rested on the pillows and went back to kissing me again, all in one smooth motion. His hands cupped my breast and squeezed as his lips teased my neck. I grabbed onto his hair and he groaned slightly as I pulled to hard. Then he was inside me and we were moving in the same motion, as a fish swims with the flow of the river. It wasn't like the first time with Andrew. It wasn't clumsy or awkward. It was passionate and intense and when it was over I held onto him for minutes not wanting the feeling to ever go away.

We had sex two more times that night and the next morning Adam was exhausted. I woke with my head on his chest and my hair covering his face. I chuckled slightly and slowly climbed out of the bed. I looked around for some clothes but realized I hadn't brought any. So I grabbed the small blanket, normally used for laps of old men and women, that was folded on a chair and wrapped it around myself. I quietly opened the door and walked to the kitchen. The icebox was stocked with food. I grabbed some food and started making him breakfast. Just as I was finishing making breakfast he strolled in rubbing his eyes with nothing but his kilt on.

"It smells delicious in here." He said wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing my neck. "Taste's delicious too." He said and I laughed.

"Stop it, you'll make me burn the eggs." He kissed me again and then sat at the table, which I had set two places and had put the coffee on the table already. I hummed as I filled both plates with bacon, eggs, sausages, and blood pudding and potatoe scones. I carried both plates to the table and set one down in front of him. Then I became aware that he was watching me. I smiled at him.

"What?"

"I'm just wondering what I did to be so lucky."

"Eat." I said rolling my eyes and trying not to let it show how much that compliment made me happy. We chatted through the meal about the wedding and the wedding still to come. He coached me on what to do and what to say. We talked about our family and the family that we would one day have. Then we washed the dishes and went back to bed. Just after noon the carriage showed up and Adam kissed me goodbye as he went back to prepare everyone for the wedding. Leaving me in this new house all alone.

But the week wasn't too bad. Debbie came over for dinner and brought Lucan and my clothes with her. We discussed the new house, which she loved and the love making between Adam and I. She laughed as I blushed but I told her most of the details that she wanted to hear. She stayed the night, after I insisted and then walked home the next morning.

Ceecee and Lady Regan showed up about midweek and they brought all the clothes I would need to wear. Lady Regan said most of my stuff was already at the palace but we needed to put on a show for the doubters. Friday morning, after hours of hairdressing and changing outfits, we locked the doors to the cabin and we off to the palace.

People must have heard about my arrival because they lined the streets of the town all the way to the castle waving and smiling and shouting blessings at me. I was taken back by all the support I was getting and wanted to lean out the window and wave to everybody, but Lady Regan made me shut the blinds. "One wrong move and they wont be throwing flowers." I glanced nervously at Ceecee who sat across from me and gently patted Lucan's head, which rested on my lap.

Getting into the castle was a blur. We were met by the entire staff and some of the early guests. I spotted Maria at the top of the steps and smiled as I climbed out of the carriage. People all around me started to smile too and gave me words of greeting.

Lady Regan and Ceecee had done a fine job of making me look like a princess. Lady Regan had chosen a soft pink dress, an English style, with square shoulders and tight wasted with the kirtle showing. But there were small pink beads sown into the shape of flowers along the breast of the dress.

Ceecee had braided my hair in one of the most complex braids I had ever seen. She placed a golden hat on my head that had a large white feather and pink jewels sown into the hat and draped the braid over my shoulder. She added charcoal to line my eyes and died my lips a darker shade of pink.

Therefore as I smiled and nodded to the people around me, held my head high, kept my hands at my stomach and strolled up the steps I could feel everyone's gaze of approval. I smiled directly at Maria and Spencer but didn't stop because I knew it would be frowned upon to show favorites. I desperately wanted to reach out and hold her hand so she could guide me.

As I walked in through the huge doors of the castle and saw many more people surrounding the hallway, my gaze met a pair of bright blue eyes. They sparkled in the light and shone when happy. They reminded me of the ocean and of the summer sky at the same time. My heart started to race and my body shook. He was here. He was alive. And then I fainted.


	32. The Second Wedding

**A/N: **Believe it or not I have had this written forever. lol. I just found it on my laptop when I went to continue the story. The reason why it has taken me so long to write this is because I've been off traveling Europe and left my laptop behind. Again sorry for the delayed update. But also I was thinking maybe I should try and publish this book. Obviously I'd have to change the characters names and some characteristics. Plus I'd have to edit it like crazy. If you haven't caught on I hate editing lol. What do you guys think?

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I woke to the smell of burning wood. The room was quiet but I could hear at least two people breathing heavily in the room. It was dark outside and the crickets were chirping. I opened my eyes slowly and looked around the dark room. Ceecee slept in the chair closest to me, her body curled up into a tiny ball. Lady Regan slept in the chair closest to the door, with a book in her lap and her mouth hanging open. The only one awake was Lucan. He lay with his head on my stomach and stared at me. When I smiled at him his tail wagged and he inched forward to lick my face. I laughed which caused Ceecee to stir and Lady Regan jumped awake.

"Oh my goodness you gave us a fright!" She said rushing to my side.

"Are you alright?" Ceecee asked as Lady Regan checked my forehead and felt my pulse.

"I feel a little shaky. What happened?" Lady Regan looked at Ceecee and they shared silent words.

"You fainted." Ceecee finally said.

"I don't remember feeling sick." I said trying desperately to remember. All I remember was the colour blue and then…nothing.

"I think you were just overwhelmed." Lady Regan said. "Are you hungry? I'll go ask the kitchen staff to make you something to eat." She said and then disappeared through one of the secret doors.

"I should probably go and let the King know that you are awake." Ceecee said. "He has been knocking on the door almost every hour." I nodded and scratched Lucan's head.

I lay in silence listening to the quiet all around me and before long I was losing my mind. I pushed back the covers and climbed out of the very large and very comfy bed. I threw on the green night coat that had three gold buttons at my chest and opened to reveal my nightgown underneath and quietly crept to the door. Lucan was on my heels as I slipped out of the room and into the hallway. There was no one around so I was safe.

Slowly we walked down the hallway, carefully listening to sounds of someone approaching. The last thing I needed was someone catching me out of bed and spreading rumours about the new queen wandering at night. I followed the hallway, studying the tapestries and noticing that there weren't any doors in my hallway. My suite seemed to be the only one. At the end of the hallway was the grand staircase and there was a maid humming as she scrubbed the bottom steps. I looked around for a distraction and found a small twig that probably been brought in with the plants for the wedding.

"Look Lucan. It's a stick. Do you want it?" I said whispering as I waved the stick in front of his face. His tail wagged and he tried to grab it but I pulled it away. "Fetch." I said and through the stick down the stairs. His reaction was delayed but he eventually chased after the stick, causing the maid to shout and the bucket of water to be knocked over. I quickly raced down to the first landing and then up to the east wing before she noticed. Lucan caught up with me halfway down the hallway and dropped the stick at my feet. I smiled down at him and patted his head.

This hallway was much different than my hallway. There were rooms all along the walls, on both sides. I was instantly worried of being caught. This hallway held a much bigger risk. I was slowly creeping down the hallway, staying close to one wall, the wall that I thought would most likely hold fewer occupants. Just as I passed a door it opened and I fell into the person on the other side.

"Oh my goodness. I am so sorry. I sleep…walk…." As I looked down at the hands clutching onto me, my words fell away. I felt my heart quicken and my stomach dropped. I slowly turned to look into his face and felt tears in my eyes. He smiled down at me and that was it.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. I felt the familiar feelings I had when Jesse kissed me: my blood boiling, my heart racing, my knees shaking. I heard the door close behind me and he picked me up and laid me on the bed. It happened very quickly, which was not how I wanted our reunion to go, but I was lucky enough to have a reunion. One minute I lay watching him take off his shirt and the next minute I was naked and we were panting heavily. I cried out and he groaned into my neck and then it was all over. I stroked his hair as he lay on top of me breathing heavily. When he lifted his head and smiled I realized what I was actually seeing.

"You're alive." I said and then I started sobbing. He quickly climbed off of me, picked me up and cuddled me like a baby. He wrapped his body tightly around me and kissed my head. All I could say was, "You're alive," over and over again.

"Shh Susanna it's ok." He whispered into my hair. He held me tightly and stroked my hair, kissing my head occasionally, until eventually I stopped.

"Oh Jesse you have no idea how much I have missed you!" I said looking up into his face. He smiled sadly and kissed me.

"I'm home now. Things can go back to the way they were." He kissed me again and I smiled.

"But I thought you were dead. Adam said…" then I remembered Adam and I jumped up. "I shouldn't have come here."

"Why? Do you not love me anymore?" He looked as if I had stabbed him with a million swords.

"Of course I love you! I never stopped loving you and I never will." I slipped my nightgown over my body and wrapped my arms around my waist. "But I'm marrying Adam in less than 12 hours."

"You don't have to go through with it. We were supposed to get married Susanna. Not you and Adam. You can't just throw a love like ours away."

"I thought you were dead. I had no other choice." He started to speak and then stopped.

"You had no other choice?" he blinked. "Or you have no other choice?" I studied his angry face and sighed. I sat on the bed beside him and grabbed his hands. "No." Was all he said and it was barely a whisper.

"We had got the letter that said you had gone missing and were presumed dead. It was a hard time for both of us." I took a deep breath as he snatched his hands away and strode to the window. "You know this wouldn't have happened if you…"

"Were alive?" He snapped. "Susanna I am alive. How long did you mourn for before you started planning your new wedding? A week? A day? You probably jumped right into bed with him as soon as you knew your future was lost." In the silence you could hear my heart shatter into a million pieces. Tears filled my eyes and I couldn't breathe. I looked down at my hands and took a deep breath.

"That is completely unfair. Not a day has gone by where I have not thought of you. Even on my wedding day I cried because I was marrying the wrong man. But what was I supposed to do? Wait for a dead man?" He scowled and went to speak, but I raised my hand and he stopped. I stood up and put on my house robe. "I'm sorry that I married Adam and I'm sorry I didn't know you were alive. I'm sorry I didn't wait for you. I'm sorry that I broke your heart. But you broke mine the day you left. I thought you were dead so I moved on." I marched to the door and opened it.

"Susanna, don't go. We can run away." He said stepping towards me.

"I'm married to Adam, Jesse. I made a promise to this man and God and I am going to keep it. I understand if I never see you again, but I want you to know that no matter what I will always love you." With that I left the room, shutting off the sound of Jesse's sobs.

"Ah Your Highness. So lovely to see you again." Lady Diana said as she, Lady Molly and Lady Margret entered my suite. I was sitting in the sitting area by the window, pretending to read a book, but my mind never left Jesse.

"Hello." I smiled and they all smiled back.

"Quite the scare you gave everyone yesterday." Lady Molly said placing a long white box on the table.

"Yes well…"

"Lady Susanna was exhausted from our travels." Lady Regan said sitting by the window that faced the river. There was a cool breeze coming in the window and she was starting to doze off.

"Naturally." Lady Margret said with a gentle smile. She had gotten bigger in the weeks that passed and she looked tired and uncomfortable. "We wont take up too much of your time. We just wanted you to know that everything is in order and this wedding shall go without a hitch."

"Perfect." I said giving them my most charming smile.

"Also we have brought your dress." Lady Molly said smiling proudly at Diana. I looked at the box and smiled.

"Is that my dress?" But the way I said it came out in a snappier tone and Lady Molly frowned as Lady Diana jumped.

"Heaven's no your grace. That is your veil." She clapped her hands and the doors opened. "This is your dress."

Two young stewards pushed a manikin into the room. It was breath taking. The firs thing that caught my eye was the jewels sown into the gown. The gown was a soft yellow with a tight bodice and a full skirt with pointed edges caused from the underwire. The sleeves were long, puffy at the shoulders but tight at the elbows and were golden yellow. There was gold velvet sown into the trim of the dress and small diamonds were embroidered throughout the dress to make it sparkle. I gently reached out and touched the fabric. It was silk.

"Well?" Lady Margret coaxed.

"It's wonderful." I said, my eyes never left it.

"We decided on yellow because having a white wedding gown may offend some of the elders." Lady Molly said fixing the long golden velvet train.

"Why would they be offended?" Ceecee asked.

"Because white is the colour of purity and it isn't right to show off ones virginity, especially to the whole country." Lady Diana said with her nose in the air. Ceecee made a face and then rolled her eyes, which caused me to smile.

"Also we chose yellow because it matches your colours." Margret said. "And see the jewels. They're sown into little flowers." She said pointing out one section. I nodded and could not speak.

"You're veil is 6 ft long." Lady Molly said. "It will reach just above your feet and fits perfectly with the train." She opened the box and lifted the headpiece. It was a golden emerald encrusted tiara with soft shimmering golden lace attached to it. I touched it gently and felt the material on my hands.

"Here are your shoes Your Grace." Lady Diana said holding out another box. Inside were a pair of golden shoes with silk ribbons and small wooden heels. They too had diamond flowers sown onto the silk and they sparkled in the sun.

"It seems the Princess is speechless." Lady Regan said touching my shoulder gently. I smiled and looked at the three women.

"You have done a wonderful job. These are marvelous." I looked to the dress again. "I shall feel like a true princess when I wear this dress." I heard Ceecee's quick inhale and blanked. Lady Regan laughed.

"You are a princess your Grace." She said eyeing me carefully.

"Of course, but sometimes I feel like it is all a dream. That one day I shall awaken to realize I am a peasant with 6 screaming children and a fat husband." I said and the ladies laughed. Lady Regan nodded at my quick save and turned to the women.

"Well we must get her highness ready. We are already late." She said shooing the women out of the room. Margaret grabbed my hands and smiled.

"I am truly excited for us to become sisters. I always longed for a sister." She said and then kissed my hand before waddling off after the others. When the doors were closed I exhaled and flopped onto the window seat.

"That thing looks like it weighs more than Lucan." I said eyeing it cautiously.

"But it is beautiful." Ceecee said touching the velvet trim.

"I wish I could wear my mother's dress. It suits me more." I said and Lady Regan scowled.

"Susanna stop it. Sit up and remember what you are about to do. This isn't about you anymore. This is about what you are going to do for this country. Now lets put this dress on you so we can get this day over with." I smiled and realized that both my friends were equally exhausted with all these wedding plans as I was.

It took three hours to get the dress on. First I had to put on my petticoats and stockings. Then I had the corset tied onto me by Lady Regan. As she pulled on the ropes she gasped.

"What? Did something tear?" I asked looking over my shoulder at her.

"No the dress is fine. I was just…looking at your mark." She said touching the small brown spot on my shoulder.

"I've had it since I was a baby." I said with a shrug. "My mother had the same one and my older brother has it too." I felt her touch the mark that looked similar to a winged bird and then she inhaled deeply. "Is something wrong with it?"

"No not at all." She paused. "It's beautiful." This made Ceecee and I laugh and Lady Regan snap out of whatever was going on with her. She started pulling on the strings again, only this time she was more vigorous. It got to the point where it was too tight and it had to be loosened and tied again. After the corset came the underwire, which I had to squeezed my hips through because my shoulders were too wide. I was sure to have bruises after that. Then came the dress. Ceecee and Lady Regan had to stand on chairs to lift the dress over my head. By the time I was dressed I was starving and sweating.

"I'm going to die from the heat." I said fanning myself as I sat in front of my vanity. Ceecee brushed my hair gently and Lady Regan placed the small diamond flowers that were going to go in my hair, on the table for my inspection. I nodded approval and Lady Regan rushed off to get me food and water.

As Ceecee decorated my hair I felt the fabric of my dress and thought of all the blessings I had been given. I went from a life of poverty to a life of riches within 5 years. My family was happy and would be financially stable from now on. No more cold, hungry winters and long hot summers. The children could get an education and work in places other than the fields. My life was perfect, yet I could not shake the sadness that sat in my heart.

"Ready?" Ceecee asked as she placed the veil over my face. We had been picked up in a large, gold carriage with a red roof and glass windows. The guards blocked the peasants from coming within the castle walls, but the cheers and cries still met my ears and made me smile. The ride to Westminster Abbey had been a long one. People lined the streets and through flowers and other tokens onto the road. Women were crying and men were waving their hats in the air.

"We must do something in return for all their love." I said as I stared out the windows. My hands, which wore gold silk gloves were squeezed together tightly and my heart was racing.

"Lets plan one thing at a time." Lady Regan said shaking her head with amusement. As we pulled up to the abbey I felt nauseous. Ceecee gave my hand a gentle squeeze as the door to the carriage opened and the noise from the crowd filled the air again. "They love you Susanna. Let's give them something to be proud of." Lady Regan said as she stepped out of the carriage and offered me her hands.

It was a graceful struggle to get out of the carriage but when I did I took a deep breath and looked over the crowd close by. I lifted my hand and smiled brightly, though they couldn't see that, and gave them a graceful wave. They loved it. They cheered louder and called out to me blessings from God. It dawned on me that this was a show, a scripted play that Sir William Shakespeare could have written and I was watching from the stands.

The music started as 6 little girls, ranging from 4 to 10 lined up in front of me. I had no idea who they were but they were distant relatives of Adam, so naturally they were in the wedding party. They all wore soft yellow dresses and each carried a basket of tulip leaves, which they would drop on the aisle as I walked by.

As I had requested the Abbey was filled with chairs and I could see that on this hot day the guests were appreciative. The ladies fanned their faces vigorously and then men dabbed at their faces with their handkerchiefs.

Lady Regan nodded to the head girl to start the procession and my heart skipped. She handed me my flowers, gave me a bright smile and nodded at me. Words could not be spoken with too many listeners around but they were also not needed for I knew what she was telling me: head up, elbows in and look confident.

I felt Ceecee fix my train and I started to walk down the aisle. I noticed a lot of faces that I did not know. But as I got closer I smiled as I spotted Maria and Spencer, both looking charming in royal blue. And beside them sat Debbie and Jacob. Debbie was wearing a soft green satin dress I had custom made for her and Jacob was wearing a tunic that matched Debbie's dress. They both smiled at me proudly, causing tears to form in my eyes. Then I became aware that Papa was missing and I almost stopped walking. I would've stopped if it hadn't been for Ceecee's cough from behind me. I snapped back into Princess mode and decided I would worry about it later.

The whole time walking up the aisle Adam never turned to look at me. But when I walked up the steps and stood beside him he turned and gave me the grandest smile I have ever seen on his face. It made me blush, but luckily it was hidden beneath my veil.

"Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to celebrate the holy matrimony of his Grace, King Adam and Lady Susanna." Father Dominic shouted. He smiled at us and turned to the guests. "Who gives this woman away?" I looked around for Papa but Spencer rose.

"I do." He said smiling brightly at me and then sitting back down.

The readings and the mass passed by in a slow blur. It was hot, humid and becoming harder to breathe. Plus one of the guests had started snoring in the background and I had to bit my lip to stop my nervous laughter.

"Now for the vows and the rings." Adam grabbed my right hand and held it tightly. "Do you, Henry Adam Michael McTavish, second of his name, take this woman to be your wife?"

"I do." Adam smiled.

"Do you promise to love and cherish her for the rest of her days, in good times and bad, though rich or poor, through sickness or health?"

"I do."

"And do you Susanna Maria Simon take this man to be your husband?"

"I do." The words peeped out of my mouth and Fr. Dominic looked at me. I cleared my throat and said it louder. "I DO." The guests laughed and I blushed again.

"Do you promise to love and cherish him for the rest of his days, in good times and bad, though rich or poor, in sickness or health?"

"I do." I smiled up at him and he smiled back as we exchanged the golden rings. My hands shook as I slipped the ring onto his finger. It was customary for men to wear rings, but I had asked him to wear it as a sign of pure love for me, should his eye ever stray he would be reminded that he was mine. He laughed when I said this knowing that my heart would never truly be his but agreed to it anyway.

"You may kiss your bride." Fr. Dominic said and Adam smiled. He grabbed the front of the veil tossed it over my head, which caused some chuckles in from the guests. He gently touched my face with his hands and chastely placed a kiss on my lips as we had rehearsed the week before. The guests erupted in applause and laughter as we smiled up at each other.

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to, their royal highnesses King Adam and Princess Susanna." The crowd erupted inside and out as we turned to face our people. I looked out over the faces smiling happily and waved to my family. That's when I saw him. He stood in the shade of the pillars, leaning against the wall with a scowl on his face and hurt in his blue eyes. My smile never faltered but pain filled my chest. I couldn't look away as I felt Adam start to lead me down the steps. I almost tripped on my dress, which caused me to look away, and when I looked back he was gone.

"That wasn't too bad." Adam said as the carriage, now with the top missing so all could view us, took off from the Abbey. We smiled and waved at the people on the streets, giving extra special waves to the children and young people.

"It could have been worse." I said with a smile.

"You scared me yesterday Susanna." He said turning to me, keeping the smile on his face but the worry was clear in his eyes.

"I'm fine. It was just from traveling. I was tired and overwhelmed."

"You should have taken a break on the journey, stretched your legs."

"Because that would've been safe." I teased and touched his arm. "You worry too much."

"Because I now I have something to worry about." He said smiling at me and gave me a quick kiss.

"Are you going to be this sweet all the time because I might punch you!" I said with a smile.

"Well as long as it makes you smile and allows me into your bed at night I shall keep being as sweet as I can." I laughed at this and felt my cheeks blush.

"I don't really have a choice on that matter anymore." I said and his smile fell.

"I will never force you to do anything you don't want to do. You know that right?" His eyes were dark and his face serious. I looked out at the people who had noticed this too and watched the rumours spread through the crowd.

"Of course darling." I said leaning over to kiss him and the crowd erupted again. He smiled at me and we rode the rest of the way in silence.

We were introduced with loud trumpets and the banging of a staff on the floor. Our guests had stood to greet us and clapped as we walked into the dinning hall. Spencer and Maria stood at the seats beside us but Debbie and Jacob were seated closer to the end of the table. I so desperately wanted to speak with them but I knew I could not go over and speak with them just yet, for it was obvious that they came from small money.

People shook our hands and kissed my cheek and wished us all the happiness in the world. As we took our seats Margret smiled broadly from beside Paul, who sat next to Adam. She leaned over her swollen belly and arrogant husband and smiled. "Your wedding was even better than ours." She said.

"I'm sure yours was just as lovely." I said and Paul gave me an eerie smile.

"You've groomed her well cousin." He said with a sneer.

"I will make you leave if you say one more comment like that to me again." Adam spoke with a smile but his words her direct and stern. Paul smiled at me again and then sat back in his chair, scowling at his glass of wine.

The food was served and a fool performed in the middle of the room, first with a love song depicting our lives then with juggling and re-enactment of how Adam had run around for the past week getting ready for the wedding. The guests laughed so hard that some even cried. After that a group of children came in and sang a song written to celebrate our marriage. I looked over at Debbie and she smiling at the old couple beside her. Jacob caught my eye and raised his glass with a small smile. He was uncomfortable, that was plain, but for my sake he was trying to hide it.

After dinner was served everyone was moved into the ballroom and my ladies-in-waiting whisked me away up to my suite to change into my second dress. This dress had been made by the best local dressmaker, as a wedding present. It was a burnt orange colour with golden trim. The bodice was tight where the front was decorated with golden velvet trim and small gold beads to make it glitter. The same design was at the bottom of the sleeves as well. The sleeves were tight except for the shoulders, which were slightly puffy. The neckline was modest and the collar was made of white lace and rose to just below my ears. My veil was removed and a golden tiara was placed on my head. It was heavy and tight on my head but looked lovely in the light. With the red emerald and the small diamonds it suited the dress perfectly.

Ceecee took out the diamond flowers and let my hair down to a lower bun. She curled a couple of pieces and placed a red hair covering over it. It had red emeralds in the net and matched the tiara perfectly. She pinched my cheeks, put charcoal on my eyes and died my lips again before I was ready. It took an hour for everything to be complete.

I met Adam in the hallway and he was wearing a dark red tunic with a golden sash. He smiled and kissed my hand, in respect for the others around us.

"You look beautiful." He said.

"Thank you sir." I said nodding my head. He snapped his fingers and a boy rushed forward with a small box.

"Here. This is one of the wedding presents I have for you." He smiled excitedly as he opened the box. Inside was a shimmering golden necklace with a pearl that hung off the middle. It had small red rubies in it.

"It's lovely." I smiled as Ceecee fastened the necklace around my neck. It weighed a ton and now not only was my head aching but my neck would surly be raw by the end of the night.

"Yes you look radiant." His voice came from the end of the hallway but he stood in the darkness. I felt my heart race and I watched as he sauntered out from the shadows.

"Jesse?" Adam asked, but it sounded more like he was greeting him.

"Your Highness." He bowed to his friend. "Your Grace." He said and bowed to me. "How nice of you to invite me to your wedding."

"Leave us." Adam said to the servants around us. Ceecee and Lady Regan hesitated before I nodded to them. Ceecee squeezed my hand and they slowly walked down the hallway.

"This is just precious." Jesse snarled. "My best friend marrying the girl I love. How wonderful."

"We thought you were dead." I said surprised at my anger.

"Did you?" He looked at me. "Both of you?" He turned to Adam and I felt his body tense beside me.

"Of course we did!" Adam snapped. "Do you think I would do this to you intentionally? We have been friends since boyhood."

"And you've always tried to outdo me." He snarled.

"Jesse stop it. You sound like a child." I snapped. "This isn't the way anyone planned it but this is the way it turned out. I love you, you know that. But I have chosen a different path, like you did when you went to war."

"Susanna, how many times-"

"No Jesse. You had a choice. You made it. I understand this being difficult for you, as it is difficult for me. But if you cannot stop ruining this day I will have to ask you to leave." He looked at me startled for a second. I imagine he was expecting me to cry and I was surprised with myself that I wasn't.

"You actually sound like a queen." He said shocked.

"I may not be one now but within the month I will be. And I will not be made a fool in front of my countrymen." I turned and walked away. That's when the tears started. I could hear words being said from behind me but nothing registered. All I could hear was the beating of my heart and see the look of shock on his face. I was becoming the queen and losing myself in the process.

"My lady are you alright?" one of the servants asked and Ceecee grabbed my hands.

"It was horrible." I sobbed and she hugged me.

"Susanna." Lady Regan spoke softly and touched my shoulder. "I know you are hurting but you must stop crying. It will look badly if you are crying on your wedding day." I looked at her and allowed her to wipe my tears away with her handkerchief. As the tears dried up Adam caught up to us and sighed.

"I'm sorry darling. I had no idea he was here." He said touching my arm gently. I nodded and said nothing else. I put a smile on my face, made small talk with the right people and danced the dances I was supposed to.

When the last drink was served and the end of the party was announced Adam gave a small speech and whisked me away up the stairs. Ceecee undressed me and left my in my nightgown, giving me a cheeky smile. I climbed onto Adams bed and lay on the pillows. As he was undressing in his dressing room I thought of Jesse and how I had probably lost him forever. As Adam came out of the dressing room and smiled, I politely smiled back. But the excitement I had at having this man as my husband had vanished.


	33. A Queen's Coronation

**AN: I realized that this chapter had too much sex in it and that it wasn't very realistic. So I edited it. Sorry :)**

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"**Good morning Your Highness. How are you feeling?" a young man said sweetly as I walked out to the carriage. **

** "Tired." I answered and smoothed out the black traveling coat I had put on. It had crimson velvet trim, which matched the dress I wore underneath. My hair was up in a low bun and covered with a black hair covering. I wore a black round hat with a crimson feather and red gloves. "Where are my children?" I asked looking around at the frozen gardens of the palace. **

** "They are waiting at the gates with your husband. He has allowed them to ride horses to the vacation house."**

** "They are too young to do that. They will be sore. Especially the youngest." I said marching towards the gates. **

** "Your Highness. It might be faster if we ride to gates in the carriage." The driver said from behind me.**

** "Yes but it wont have the same effect." I said and marched away. How dare he pretend to care what his children wanted? He never cared before why would he care now? He may have been excited for them at first but he always lost interest in them. Whereas I was the one who truly cared for their wellbeing. I remembered every moment of every pregnancy. I remembered the aching backs, the constant need to relieve myself, the unusual foods that I ate. I remembered every feeling of movement, every kick and every flip. I was the one who cared. He was not going to take them away from me too.**

I discovered I was pregnant the day that I was coroneted. I had awoken early with yet another weird dream about being surround by strange fish while bathing. My coronation was planned for this afternoon and the celebrations had already begun. The town had been decorated with Spencer's family crest, which was supposed to be my family crest and the royal crest. The church bells had started to ring as soon as the sun came up and the town was buzzing with activity.

Adam and I had returned from our honeymoon in Ireland just the day before so we were exhausted. It had been a month long adventure of visiting other nobles, touring the countryside and making love late into the night. We had arrived around 10 o'clock last night and decided to sleep in our own suites. But that was partly because we had a fight on the way home about the coronation. He was pestering me with questions and coaching and I told him to shut up, that I was tired of hearing it. He ignored me for the rest of the journey and told me he would see me in the morning.

When Ceecee opened the door to my bedroom she smiled. "Ready for your big day?"

"I feel slightly nauseous so I think not." I said sitting up and pressing my cold clammy hands to my face. But it wasn't hot.

"It's probably just nerves." Ceecee said as she opened the blinds."

"I wish it wasn't happening today." I said with a pout.

"Oh Susanna. Come now." Lady Regan said sharply. "It's not every day you become a queen." She opened the doors to my dressing room and disappeared. I sighed, groaned and then pushed the covers back. I had gone to sleep naked, because I was so used to sleeping naked that I was uncomfortable sleeping in a dressing gown. So when I stood in front of Ceecee she didn't blush or turn away as she used to. Instead she gaped at me.

"What?" I said looking down at my flat stomach.

"Your breasts." She said moving closer. Lady Regan stuck her head out of the dressing room and nodded.

"What's wrong with them?" I said looking at myself.

"Your nipples have changed colour." Ceecee said.

"And they're swollen." Lady Regan smiled. She gently touched my left breast and I winced. She turned to Ceecee and they shared a smile.

"Please stop smiling and tell me what is wrong with me."

"You're carrying a baby Susanna." Lady Regan said. I blinked at her as I let the words sink in. I felt every emotion coarse through my body. Sadness at my youth being over. Happiness at the thought of my own child. Anger that I had gotten pregnant so soon into my marriage. Relief that I wasn't sick. Anticipation at meeting my new child.

"Are you certain?" I asked sitting on the bed.

"We'll send for the doctor later if you would like, but that is a sure sign of pregnancy."

"But I had a monthly bleed three weeks ago." I said.

"Yes but sometimes that happens in the beginning." Ceecee explained.

"I had it with both of my sons." Lady Regan said. I thought about this and could barely wrap my mind around being a mother. Would I be like my mother? How would Adam take the news?

"We can't tell Adam today. He can't know until after the coronation."

"Why?" Lady Regan frowned.

"It's his child. He deserves to know." Ceecee said.

"I will tell him, but not till after the coronation. He'll over work himself." I said with a smile and placed my hand on my belly. I tried to imagine what it would look like when I was heavy with child. I thought of Debbie's swollen belly and tried to place it on myself. Debbie! I had to write to Debbie. She would've had her baby by now and I just haven't gotten the letter yet. I threw on a lace dressing gown that hid nothing and marched into the parlor.

"Your Highness!" Lady Regan screeched as servants appeared in front of me. I smiled brightly at them and sat at the writing desk, allowing them to continue laying out the breakfast foods for us.

"Excuse her. She's not herself today." Ceecee apologized to the older servants and swatted at the young men for staring. But I didn't care. All I cared about was telling my family my good news.

_Dear Debbie,_

_ I miss you all deeply. How are the children doing? How is everyone adjusting to the new baby? I have yet to receive your letter telling me about the new baby but I plan on visiting soon so I can meet my new niece or nephew. Today is one of the biggest days of my life and I am a nervous wreck. I woke this morning with an unsettled stomach and thought it was because of my nervousness. But Regan and Ceecee have brought it down to pregnancy. Can you believe it? I shall be having a baby! I wish you were here to share my joy with. I have yet to tell my husband about it because it will be too much to think about on this day but I needed to tell someone. _

_ I promise to visit soon and hope everyone is in good health._

_ Love Always,_

_ Your darling sister _

I signed the letter this way incase it was stolen and someone read it. I still had to protect my family. I sealed the letter with my family crest, not the royal crest and gave it to a boy standing near by. He rushed off, after gaping at my breast and I imagine he was going to have many stories to tell on this day.

I sat at the table meant for six and was joined by my friends. They shook their heads disapprovingly and I smiled. The servants cleared out as we started eating the eggs and bacon and fresh fruit.

As I served my friends coffee there was a knock on the door. Lady Regan looked at me and I shrugged.

"I'll answer it so you can still remain somewhat decent." She said and Ceecee chuckled. Lady Regan opened the door slightly and spoke quietly with a smile. She held the door open and my husband entered. His hair was combed neatly and his face clean-shaven. He looked rested and radiant in a royal blue tunic with black velvet trim and white tights. His sword hung at his side and his boots were brightly polished.

"Cecily." He said nodding at Ceecee and then turned to me. He looked agitated until he saw what I was wearing. He chuckled and shook his head. "I was determined to be angry with you all day but you seem to have a power over me."

"I am a woman. We hold all the power." I said standing up and walking to the other side of the table. Ceecee and Lady Regan excused themselves but we didn't notice. I leaned against the table and raised my eyebrows. With my dressing gown and bed tousled hair I knew it would be hard for him to resist. He walked towards me and leaned in. As I thought he would kiss me, he reached behind me and grabbed a grape, popping it into his mouth. I frowned at him and he laughed.

"Who holds the power now?" He said sitting in the chair beside me.

"Its willpower not power over me." I said getting up and walking to the window. I opened the blinds and the window so I could feel the cool breeze of the October air. I got Goosebumps on my arms and turned away from the window.

"Are you prepared for this afternoon?" He asked studying the apple he was about to eat.

"If you say one more thing about this afternoon I will punch you." I said crossing my arms.

"I just need to know you are ready." He said with a frown. I sighed and walked to him. I rubbed his shoulders and looked at the ocean outside the window.

"I know you are stressed. But don't worry. I know what I have to do." I said kissing his neck. I slid my hands down his tunic and into his pants.

"I think I have taught you the wrong lesson for your coronation." He said with a chuckle, but his breathing quickened and he was hard in my hand.

"I think I am an expert on the subject now." I said biting his earlobe. He groaned slightly and grabbed my wrist.

"I can't do this now. I have gotten dressed already." He said painfully.

"So get undressed." I undid the buttons on his tunic and kissed his hard chest. He shivered as I reached his belly button and touched my face.

"We can do this later. Your coronation is in less than two hours and you still…have to get dressed." He said looking over me again.

"Then you better hurry up." I said pulling him up out of the chair by the front of his tunic. I sat on the edge of the table and knocked the plate of eggs on the floor as I lay back on the table. I closed my eyes and sighed loudly, then waited. I gently stroked my stomach and breathed heavily as I waited for him. It took him less that a minute to start untying my dressing gown. As the skin started to be completely exposed he kissed each inch of it, taking his time on my legs and stomach. When he got to my breast I winced slightly and he froze.

"What is it?" He asked still standing beside the table.

"Nothing." I said pulling him on top of me. He kissed me deeply and his fingers went into me forcefully. His gentleness was rare but I didn't mind it too much. The more he pushed the better it felt. I cried out as I came and he smiled at me.

But when he laid against my breast a sharp pain shot through my body and I cried out. His mistook this for pleasure and kept going. Before he could crush me again I switched positions, causing us to knock all the dishes onto the floor with a loud crash. I was never on top, so he looked up at me shocked. I bent down and kissed him, then kissed his chest, stomach and then did something I have never done before, and took him in my mouth. He inhaled deeply and grabbed my hair. Ceecee, the one who had told me to do this, had also told me this would happen and to take it as a good sign. When I felt him about to come and released him and kissed his stomach again. I wanted to tease him and I knew that I was good at it.

When I kissed his mouth he pulled my hair and bit my neck. When he entered me my body convulsed and I was cried out again with pleasure. He laughed slightly and waited for me to start moving against him again. My last orgasm was earth shattering. I cried out and dug my nails into his chest. I breathed heavily and didn't move in fear of losing the feeling. But naturally it went away and when I opened my eyes Adam was smiling at me smugly.

"Was that three times?" He asked. "I seem to have gotten better." I smacked his stomach and then kissed him, both of us breathing heavily.

"Or I have just learned to use you to my advantage." I kissed him again and then climbed off.

"You have learned new things." He said watching me tie up my dress. "Practicing with others?"

"Just Ceecee." I watched his eyes light up and threw an apple at his head. "Don't get any ideas."

"Three times though. That's never happened before." He said attempting to fix his hair. I placed my hands on my belly and thought maybe it was related. He studied me curiously. "Is something wrong?" I didn't answer because I didn't know how to say it. And because I didn't answer he jumped off the table and gently turned my face to his. "Susanna, did I hurt you?"

"No." I said smiling and kissing his chest again. "I'm with child." I said into his chest and felt his breathing halt for a second.

"A child." He whispered. "A child!" He exclaimed and then picked me up and twirled me around. "That is wonderful news!" He kissed me deeply. "I will have a son, an heir." I smiled and nodded at him. "How does it feel?" He said looking worried for a second.

"Tired, hungry and in need of a good bedding. You're going to need to be around more." I said smiling at him. He kissed me again and smiled.

"I will be around so much you'll be sick of me." I laughed. "You have made me the happiest man today." He let go of my face and strode to the door.

"Adam. Don't tell anyone yet." I said and he frowned. "I just want to get through the coronation first."

"Of course darling." He smiled again and then disappeared out of the doors.

Getting ready for the coronation took longer than getting ready for my own wedding. The dress that had been made was a royal blue with white fur trim and golden flowers sown into the bodice. The sleeves were tight with slits in them to reveal the same golden material underneath. I was given a cape to wear that was gold on the outside and white fur on the inside. I wore my hair down in long curls with half of it tied behind my head and small jewels tied into my hair so it shined in the sun.

Ceecee passed me my gold gloves, encrusted with diamonds as we left the palace doors. I could hear the cheers from the palace gates and I felt my stomach churn. Adam got down from the golden litter and smiled at me. He held my hand tightly as he helped me step up into the litter, which had huge golden wheels with a tall back and was lined with red velvet cushions and red carpet on the floor. There were two seats for us to sit side by side and the driver sat on a hard golden bench in front of us. The carriage was so heavy it needed to be pulled by four horses.

The procession was 100 people long plus Lucan, who was made to run beside the litter. The first 30 were trumpeters, who would walk ahead and announce our arrival. The next thirty were men at arms. Ten would ride a head and twenty would bring up the rear. Ceecee and Lady Regan, who dresses of wore pale blue gowns with white flowers sown into the bodice, rode beside me, Ceecee on Lea and Lady Regan on a plane brown mare. Adam's confidants rode in our procession as well and the rest were servants who followed on foot to make sure everything went smoothly.

As the trumpeters sounded the beginning of the 45 minute journey Adam smiled at me. He grabbed my gloved hand and kissed it before nodding to the driver. I placed my hand on my stomach and took a deep breath.

As we exited the gates I was in awe of all the people who lined the streets. Men and women smiled up at me and shouted "God save the Queen". Children jumped up and down and waved. I couldn't help but smile at them. One woman offered up her baby to which I touched the sleeping newborn's face gently, said a silent prayer and smiled back at her. She clutched her baby tightly, with tears in her eyes.

"Why is she crying?" I asked Lady Regan quietly.

"The people believe that the royal family are chosen by God. With babies dying everyday she must've been afraid for it's life. Now that you have touched it her baby will live."

"I hope so." I said feeling slightly guilty at tricking all these people into thinking I am nobility.

As people stuck their hands out I couldn't resist the urge to shake their hands. Some people were shocked that I had reached out to touch them, to greet them. But they offered kind words and greetings. Some threw flowers at my feet and I nodded and smiled at all the people in the windows, giving some of the children a quick wave.

"They love you your majesty." Ceecee said proudly.

At the cathedral doors guards were pushing people away from the doors to allow us to pass. As I climbed out of the litter I noticed a little girl trying to squirm through the guards. In frustration one of the guard hit her on the head and she fell to the ground. I looked at Ceecee and she shook her head in disapproval. Without even thinking I walked towards the guard and touched his shoulder. The crowd stopped pushing and fell silent as I bent down to the crying child.

"Are you hurt darling?" I asked sweetly. She looked up at me with bright blue eyes and nodded. I frowned at her and took my handkerchief from my sleeve and wiped her nose. I wiped some of the dirt away from her face and smiled. "What is your name?"

"Lila FitzGerald." She said with an Irish accent. I looked at the woman who stood over her. She was no older than 18 and just as dirty as her child.

"How old are you Lila?" I heard someone cough behind me, trying to make me move along but I ignored them.

"Four."

"Well you are very pretty. Would you and your Momma like to come and watch?" I asked. She looked up at her mother and smiled.

"Yes please!"

"M'lady we are too dirty to enter such a glorious place." The girl said.

"It is the house of God. He loves all his children dirty or clean." I said nodding to the guard to allow them to pass through. The woman thanked me and whisked her child away to a pew in the back.

"What are you doing?" Adam hissed.

"Having a relationship with my people." I said back straightening my gloves. He shook his head and started walking down the aisle as the music started. When the music changed to something more powerful, faster and louder I knew it was my time to walk. Lady Regan fanned out my cape and Ceecee quickly fixed my hair before I started walking.

The altar was glowing and the cathedral was packed. I smiled as I walked and noticed familiar wedding guests had returned for my coronation. There were a lot more people who were not invited to the wedding who had managed to make it. Maria and Spencer sat close to the front and smiled brightly at me when I met their eyes. I had to resist the urge not to run over and hug them.

The coronation ceremony was spoken in Latin and took almost two hours. Half way through I was starving. I felt my stomach begin to rumble and then when everyone went silent to pray it grumbled so loud that Adam and Fr. Dominic looked over at me. I blushed and closed my eyes, pressing my hands hard to my stomach praying to God to let it not happen again.

As I sat on the throne and Fr. Dominic made me recite my vows to love and serve the country, to think of the best of the nation and to protect them with all my power I felt a wave of nausea. _Oh please God, don't do this. _I said over in over, not even thinking of the words I was saying. The trumpets erupted as the crown was brought forward, startling me from my concentration of not throwing up.

The crown was passed down through the wives of past kings for centuries. But this one had been added to. It was a round circle with purple velvet underneath the four golden arches. As a queens crown the arches as smaller and less distinct but just as magnificent. In the middle was a cross with a blue sapphire in the middle. In total the crown had 2,876 diamonds, 311 peals, 16 sapphires, 11 emeralds and 10 rubies. It was a heavy and uncomfortable thing but I smiled as I was supposed to and accepted the golden orb and scepter. As I grabbed the scepter I caught a glimpse of an engraved image by the handle. It was a lion coming through a wheat field accompanied by a swan. I looked towards Adam and felt my stomach where the pendant lay. It was very similar to the design on the pendant. He smiled at me and nodded confirming the two matched. I felt bile rise in my throat.

The trumpets sounded and Adam walked up the steps, wearing his crown. He smiled at me and kissed my hand before offering me up to his country. The guests clapped respectfully gave cheers to my good health. I smiled politely and waved when I was supposed to. Then I grabbed the nearest potted plant and threw up into the dirt. I heard people gasp and the whispers sounded like a bee's hive.

"You're Majesty?" Fr. Dominic was standing close by. His hand was stretched out towards me but he knew better than to touch me.

"I'm so sorry." I said tears pouring down my face. Ceecee and Lady Regan each grabbed an arm and led me to the back of the church to clean up a bit. As we were leaving I heard Adam speak, but when the doors shut his voice was muffled. As I was rinsing my mouth out with water the entire church erupted in cheers and clapping.

"You don't think…" I said looking back at the doors.

"You told him?" Ceecee asked.

"It slipped out. I didn't think he would announce it that quickly."

"Well at least people will accept that as a good enough reason to vomit in church."

"Oh what a fool I've made of myself."

"You'll get over it." Ceecee said with a smile. She touched up the loose strands of hair and wiped my clammy skin before nodding. "Time to go back."

As the door opened the church fell silent. I saw Adam standing on the altar, smiling but I could tell he was embarrassed. I put on my bravest smile and stood in front of my country.

"My deepest apologies for the spectacle you all just witnessed. For as I'm sure you know now I am with child and keeping food down seems to be my greatest battle today." I said and to my surprise many people laughed, mostly the women. Maria had tears in her eyes but her smile was the most sincere out of everyone in the room. "I hope you do not think unkindly of me and know that I will take care of this country as I would my own children." I placed a hand on my flat stomach and the crowd erupted. I felt Adam place a hand on my back and start to lead me down the aisle.

"You've done amazingly!" He said beaming at me. "I couldn't have recovered like that."

"Well I've been taught by the finest teachers." I said smiling back at Ceecee and Lady Regan.

When a queen is coroneted celebrations have lasted for entire weekends. My coronation celebrations lasted for 6 days. Each day had a new event and new drama. On the day of my coronation a huge feast was planned with over 1000 people. Names and faces were quickly lost in my mind. The second day held jousting tournaments and sword fighting tournaments where only one knight was gravely injured. The third day was a holiday for the working class and there for the town was alive with excitement and drink. Six people were murdered that day. The day after that was a ball where only the finest families were invited, which meant that 500 people were there instead of 1000. The day after that was a show in town complete with fools and jugglers, singers and magicians. The final day was a large dinner followed by a ball, completely made up of masks. A masquerade they called it and each person dressed up as a fancy animal.

I left my costume in my ladies in waiting's hands because after day two I was exhausted, so by day six I could barely stay awake without excusing myself for a nap. People never seemed to mind. They smiled at me and nodded their heads, asking if anything was needed for my comfort.

Lady Regan and Ceecee had come up with idea of honeybees. The queen bee ran the hive, birthed the babies and made everything run smoothly, where as the worker bees did all the work to keep the queen alive. Therefore, seeing as Ceecee and Lady Regan did all the work anyways the costumes fit perfectly. Our dresses were made of black silk with golden stripes. My skirt was the fullest and my mask had the most sparkle, but to top it all off they made me wear a tiny golden tiara. We all laughed in our costumes till we cried, which we then had to redo our make up.

Adam, dressed as a crow greeted my with a bright smile.

"My darling that costume suits you perfectly." He kissed my cheek and I smiled.

"And yours." I looked over his costume. A crow was the symbol for death, shape shifters, boldness, thievery, trickery and was a bringer of knowledge. "Why did you chose the crow?"

"So I could wear feathers and this beak." He said lifting his mask. "It's for 'pecking' you with." He said kissing the arch in my neck. I laughed.

"You can just 'peck' off." I said and he chuckled.

"Your highness may I be excused for a moment?" Ceecee asked, her face pale and her eyes watering.

"Ceecee what's wrong?"

"I…my stomach is upset. I just need to use the lavatory." She whispered.

"Of course." I nodded and looked to Lady Regan but she was conversing with her husband, who was dressed as a wolverine, symbol for aggression and revenge. I watched Ceecee scurry off in the wrong direction and frowned.

"I think you need to get more Ladies in waiting." Adam suggested as be passed me a cup of wine. I sipped it but the taste turned my stomach, so I just held onto it.

"I don't need any more ladies in waiting." I said with a sigh. This was not the first time we had talked about this.

"Yes but its too much work for both of them."

"I don't trust people to keep our secret." I said looking at him directly. He studied my face and sighed.

"You're right, of course. Just try to get to know some more young ladies." I cut the conversation off with a nod and was whisked away by Spencer, dressed as an Eagle, symbol of strength, courage and intelligence.

As we laughed and danced, I spotted my worker bee in the corner clearly having an argument with someone dressed as a rabbit. When the song ended I excused myself and went to her.

"You can't be serious!" She said exasperated and then spotted me. 'You-Your Highness. I'm sorry to keep you waiting. I was just…" She looked to the rabbit and that's when I knew. A rabbit of course, symbol of quick thinking, humility, fertility and rebirth.

"Jesse." I said nodding at him. We hadn't seen each other since the wedding. My heart was pounding in my chest but I tried to hide it.

"Susanna." He looked at me and his eyes briefly flicked to my stomach. "How are you?" Ceecee excused herself but we barely noticed.

"I'm well thank you."

"I know."

"Know what?" I asked puzzled.

"About your baby." I smiled and touched my stomach.

"It wasn't a secret." I laughed. "We told everyone."

"Susanna." Jesse grabbed my arm tightly and pulled me into a small room with a fireplace and two chairs. I had never been in here before and had no idea what it was used for. "Don't you think you should've waited."

"Why should I have tried to hide my own child, my first child? This is one of the best things that has ever happened to me." I said with a smile and he smiled back. His hands reached out and touched my face.

"Is it really?" He asked and I laughed.

"Of course. I couldn't be happier." But that was a lie because when his lips touched mine a moment later, my world exploded. I felt my blood race, my heart pump, my skin burn. His lips were hard against mine and they were forceful but they were Jesse's and that was all that mattered. I felt his hands touch my sides, one hand resting just below my breast the other just above my hip. His mouth traveled to my neck and he bit it gently. As I heard myself groan I realized what I was doing and froze. I pushed him away and stepped back in horror.

"What?" He asked, his lips red and puffy.

"I'm married." I said placing my hand on my stomach, partly to sooth the butterflies. "And with child. I should not be…doing this." I said gesturing at him. He looked shocked and then smiled.

"You just said this was the happiest you've ever been."

"And that made you want to kiss me?"

"Hearing that you are happy while carrying my child instead of his? Yes that made me want to do more than kiss you." He reached out to touch me and I recoiled.

"Your…your child?" A nervous laughed seeped out. "You think this child is yours?"

"Yes I do." He looked at me sternly. "We're supposed to be together Susanna and when Adam sees this child's tanned skin and dark hair he will know that this marriage is a farce." He looked proud.

"You want that to happen?"

"I want to be with you."

"And what if this baby is yours? Do you honestly think that Adam will simply allow us to run off together without there being a consequence?"

"I…well…"

"Do you think he'll give us his blessing and let us leave him with our baby? While he handles the rumours and the gossip?"

"I guess I was so excited to hear about your pregnancy I never thought about what he would do." Jesse said sitting in one of the armchairs.

"I'll tell you what he'll do. He'll humiliate us by admitting to the world that we are sinners before he takes our heads. Then to make it worse he'll have our baby slaughtered, or worse he'll make it a slave and be so cruel. Adam is your longest friend, you and I both know how he really is. He would not let this work out happily." I said and tears poured down my face because for the first time I was admitting to myself that this could be a possibility. Jesse could be the father of my child.

"Susanna, I'm sorry." His arms wrapped around me and I buried my face into his fur jacket. He stroked my back and cuddled me like a baby. "I will not let any harm come to you. And when this child is born he will be protected I promise." I sighed and smiled.

"I love how everyone assumes this baby is a boy." I dabbed my eyes with my handkerchief. "Maybe it's a girl."

"As the queen of England, you want this baby to be a boy." He said and smiled gently at me. He sighed and bent down, lightly kissing my lips. "This is not how it was supposed to be." He whispered and I nodded.

"But it is the way things have turned out." I looked up at him. I touched his cheek and kissed him gently. "Good bye Jesse." I said letting him go.


	34. Reunited

"Your majesty. A letter has come." The servant stood at the library door and studied me. I smiled over the blanket I was knitting and he handed the letter to me. It had already been opened.

"Who opened this?" I asked annoyed.

"Your Majesty, his highness always opens all the post." The servant explained.

"Of course." I smiled and nodded, dismissing him. Then I turned to Ceecee and Regan and scowled.

"Why? Why does he always do this?" I hissed.

"Because he is your husband." Lady Regan explained without looking up from the pair of booties she was knitting.

"And because he's nosey." Ceecee smirked.

"Its so infuriating that he distrusts me this much!" I snapped.

"He's just making sure you are alright." Ceecee defended and I scowled at her.

"He's worried about Jesse." I said and they nodded simultaneously. "He thinks I'm going to run away with him." I sighed and opened the letter.

_My dearest sister. _

_Your brother has finally decided to marry that girl. They plan to marry on the 15__th__ of May. We are hoping that you will be able to attend but alas we know that it may be too much for you to travel in your condition. We miss you deeply and await with great anticipation the arrival of our new nephew. _

_ Love always, Your sister._

I sighed and rested my head on the chair. I looked out the window and watched the warm May sun light up the gardens of Nottingham Castle. If I could convince Adam it would take a days ride to Worchester, which would get me there the day before the wedding. If I left tomorrow that is.

"Who is it from your majesty?" Lady Regan asked noting my distress.

"My sister." I said looking over at the maid cleaning the fireplace. She wasn't looking at us but I knew she was listening. "My brother is to be married in three days."

"Your brother?" Ceecee asked confused. "Isn't he already married?"

"The other one." I said laughing. "And no not the youngest one. The one that just got back from the war." I said and she nodded.

The war had ended just after Christmas. The King of France waved a flag of truce and visited England to celebrate the new year. A new alliance was formed between England and France after the King of Spain abandoned his alliance with the King of France. Another arranged marriage gone horribly wrong. All the men, or what was left of them, returned from France tired and weak and the country was once again at peace.

"It's probably a better choice to stay here." Lady Regan offered.

"I can't miss his wedding." I whined.

"Think of the baby Susanna." She said my name and I heard the maid gasp. Lady Regan looked towards the girl and scowled.

"I shall go and petition to the king." I said struggling to stand. Ceecee, still finding this amusing, stood and offered me her hands. Once I stood she smoothed out my light green dress and gently patted my swollen belly. 7 months ago I could not imagine it there and now I could not wait for it to be gone. My back ached whether I was sitting or standing and I cried twice a day, sometime about nothing at all. Also he liked to kick just under my rib cage. Adam teased saying he was getting ready for all the sporting he would participate in. I just wish he would wait until he was born to practice his sporting.

I heard voices coming from the conference room as I approached the door. A guard bowed to me and explained that he was having a meeting with the Duke of Sussex, the Duke of Cornwall, the Duke of Cumberland and the Duke of Norfolk. I nodded and told him that I would return later when the door opened.

"Ah your Majesty. So wonderful to see you." Spencer said bowing to me and kissing my hand.

"Your grace." I said bowing to him and smiling brightly.

"You look marvelous." He said and I smiled brighter, if possible. Maria had been to visit me often, giving me advice on being a new mother and what to expect. But Spencer I had not seen since my coronation.

"How are you?" I asked clasping his hand tightly.

"Quite well, quite well. Just settling a little perimeter dispute." He said with a smile.

"A perimeter dispute?" I said looking back at the open door. "From the four sides of the country?" I raised my eyebrows at him and he chuckled.

"His majesty has given us each a task. We must build castles, fit for kings, which we may occupy while the king is not residing in them."

"Castles?" I said looking at him. "Will you stay in them?"

"His majesty commands it."

"But what about…" I paused thinking of Maria and Theodore's grave.

"I think it is better if we get away from that house. His locked room is a constant reminder of what is missing in our lives." He said sadly. "Besides I have to stay in the castle. His majesty has asked us to build towers for monitoring the water." He whispered.

"Monitoring the water for what?" I asked leaning in closer to him. He raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth, but was interrupted.

"Darling." Adam said from the doorway. I nodded at Spencer, which said that we would talk later and turned to him. He was wearing a black tunic with silver trimmings and he had started growing a mustache.

"Your Majesty." I said bowing to him and noticed the men standing around. They all smiled at me apart from one. And even though a thick beard covered his face I knew it was him. "Your graces." I said to them, giving them a slight curtsy.

"We were just having a small gathering. Planning the upcoming celebrations for my son." He beamed as his hands touched my stomach. I smiled at him and then looked over his shoulder at Jesse. He narrowed his eyes at me and I sighed.

"How are you feeling?" The Duke of Cornwall asked me. His cold blue eyes and his blonde hair did not fool me. Even after three years Paul still made me shiver. His eyes looked upon me as if he were going to devour me. He studied my swollen stomach and swollen face with a look of disgust and repulsion.

"Excellent." I lied with a large smile. "In perfect health." I watched him smile, to the best of his ability and nod. "How are your wife and son?" I asked. He looked bothered by my question and raised his eyebrows.

"They are in York at my fathers summer home. Last I heard they were doing well. The boy's just started to walk." He said as if it were the most boring story in the world.

"You have not seen them?"

"I have better things to do that watch a child learn to walk." He said then bowed to Adam and excused himself. I raised my eyebrows and watched him stride down the hall, black cape flapping with each step.

"Can you imagine!" I said with shock.

"Imagine what darling?" Adam said gently rubbing my neck.

"A father taking no part in his child's life." I said and the men just stared at me. Adam studied my face and then laughed.

"Ah darling." He looked at the other men. "Her emotions seem to take the best of her in these last days." The men all laughed and I felt my face heat up. "Come let us talk." He said placing his arm on my back and leading me into the conference room. I looked at Jesse as he found the tiles more interesting than I.

"Susanna." Adam sighed and rubbed his face once the door was closed.

"What?" I asked sitting in the nearest chair.

"Royal men never take part in their children's lives." He said sitting at the head of the table. "You must know that."

"That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. How can you call yourself a father if you aren't even there for your child?" I snapped. He studied my face and sighed.

"What did you come here for?" He asked, dismissing the subject. I took a deep breath and pushed my anger away.

"I received a letter from Debbie." I said and he nodded. "But of course you read that already." I snapped again.

"I have to Susanna. I already explained this to you. Its for your safety."

"Safety! Ha." I laughed sarcastically. I got up and walked to the window behind him. "You just want to know all of my business."

"Your business is my business Susanna! You are my wife!" He snapped back.

"I'm not allowed to open my own letters and then tell you about them after I've read them?"

"And I'm supposed to believe that you would tell me everything that is in the letter?"

"So this isn't about my safety! This is about trust!" I yelled. "You don't trust me enough! What kind of marriage is this?"

"A stressful one it would seem." He said rubbing his face. His comment took me back and I felt it hit me like a stone to the chest. I held onto the window ledge for support and tried to hold back the tears.

"I'm going to visit my sister." I said finally.

"Absolutely not. I will not have you giving birth to the future King of England in a shack."

"A shack? Is that truly how you think of my life?"

"Your life is here. Not there." He said picking of a piece of parchment and reading it.

"They were once my life. They will always be a part of me." I said, the tears falling down my face.

"Susanna, your tired. Don't upset yourself over this. Go and have a cup of tea and a hot bath. You'll be fine after you rest." He said dismissing me. I stared at the back of his head and had the urge to hit him. I wiped the tears from my face and lifted my head.

"Your Majesty." I spat and strode, well waddled, out of the door. I held my tears back all the way to my suite. Once inside the doors I lay on my bed, cuddled beside Lucan and sobbed into his fur till I fell asleep.

"She must be protected." I heard someone whisper. I opened one swollen eye and noted that darkness had fallen.

"It's too risky." A girl whispered back. "What if we get caught?"

"How do you think he'll react?"

"Please don't ask this of me."

"You may not have to do anything." There was a pause and a sigh. "All I'm asking is if it is- then you take care of it."

"Ceecee?" I asked recognizing one of the voices. There was a pause and I could feel the fear in the air.

"Your Majesty! You're awake." She said rushing into the room. I heard the parlor door open and close and sat up.

"Who was here?"

"Just a servant clearing the dishes. You slept through dinner." She said fixing the strands of hair that had fallen out of the net.

"What were you talking about?" She paused for a second and then sighed.

"Ah one of the girls is in trouble." She said looking at me. "You know…trouble."

"Oh. Poor girl." I said watching her fluster around the room.

"Would you like to change into your dressing gown?" She asked as I opened my mouth to inquire about the conversation.

"Oh, um, no. I need you and Lady Regan to pack a small trunk for me."  
"A trunk?" She looked at me curiously. "Why?"

"I'm going to visit my sister." I said with a sigh.

"The King allowed it?" She asked and I frowned.

"Of course." I lied. My first lie to her. She studied my face and she knew I was lying but she nodded.

"I shall get her. She was just out walking Lucan." She said bowing to me. "I left a small plate of food on the table if you are still hungry." Then she disappeared and I was left in the suite by myself.

I looked out the dark window and sighed. If he caught me leaving there would be hell to pay, but I wasn't going to let him have complete control of my life. I was going to see my family and there was nothing he could do about it.

About two hours later we were ready to leave. I put on a simple black dress and my black riding gloves, even though I wouldn't be riding. I grabbed my black travelling cloak and nodded to Ceecee and Regan that I was ready to go. As we quietly crept down the hall we passed the dinning hall where laughter and loud music was playing. Lucan growled quietly and I looked to Lady Regan for an answer and she frowned.

"An early celebration for your son." She said. I heard a girl shriek and I peeked into the room. A young, curly red headed girl sat on Adam's lap and laughed as she fed him a grape. My stomach churned and I felt as if I were going to faint.

"Who is that girl?" I asked studying her. Lucan looked up at me and then whined.

"She's the bar keep at the Black Bucket." Ceecee whispered.

"How did she get this honour?" I said fighting more tears.

"Your majesty we should keep moving if we are to get there for morning." Regan said. An hour ago she was furious with me for wanting to travel at night yet now she was urging me on.

"How did she get this honour?" I asked again, this time more sternly. Ceecee sighed.

"Adam visits the pub frequently after his hunting trips. I guess they met there."

"He invited a bar keep to our house?" I asked insulted by her presence and watched as he whispered in her ear.

"Susanna…" Ceecee urged as footsteps were heard behind us. Lucan pulled on my traveling cloak slightly. I scowled at the girl and then nodded.

"Right. Lets continue." I said walking away.

We managed to get out of the castle gates without anyone noticing. Lucan lay on the seat beside me and I cried silently as we jostled our way down the dirt road.

"We'll be staying at the Honeymoon house, ironically enough." I said wiping my sorrows away.

"Your Majesty. I apologize for not sending a servant ahead of us. I had no idea that we would be staying there." Regan said worried.

"It's fine. It was a…spontaneous adventure." I said with a chuckle.

"He doesn't know does he?" Ceecee said. Even though I could not see her face I knew she was smiling.

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him." I said and Regan gasped.

"The King does not know where you are?"

"He'll know." I said rubbing my stomach to sooth the frantic kicking of my child. "And knowing him, he'll say that he gave me permission to go."

"But he'll be extremely upset when we return." Ceecee said worried.

"Fear not. No harm will come to you." I reached forward, gave each of their hands a tight squeeze and then the carriage fell into silence. They fell asleep about an hour later and I sat peacefully listening to Ceecee snore for the rest of the trip.

As the sun was coming up we reached the house. The garden had been tended to and the house was spotless. The driver placed the trunks in our rooms and disappeared into the stable with Lea.

We changed into our plainest clothes, yellow summer dresses meant for the August heat. We wrapped blankets around ourselves and started the fire to keep warm. Then we heated up some water and ate porridge.

"Does your sister know that we are here?"

"No one knows but us." I said.

"I suppose you will want to see them right away?" Regan said and I nodded.

"Tomorrow is the wedding. So I want to be of as much help that I can."

"Well I will get tell him not to take the harness off then." Regan said standing up.

"Don't be silly. Lea needs a break and it's not that far of a walk."

"Walk?" Regan gasped. "You can't be serious."

"I am completely serious. There is a path just behind the house that leads to my fathers. I know of this because I made it." I said with a smile. "It shouldn't take us very long if we keep a steady pace."

"A steady pace?" Ceecee said with a smirk. "You can hardly walk for ten minutes."

"Well today I'm going to walk for an hour." I said with a defiant nod and she chuckled.

"Whatever you say Your Majesty."

The walk had taken us longer than an hour. I got lost in the fresh air and the new flowers blooming. I watched the grass sparkle with the morning due and Lucan chase after the rabbits. We talked about the baby and how I would've loved to raise him here. He would be a kind, gentle boy if I raised him here. Not proud and stubborn like his father.

Jacob's house appeared first. There was smoke coming out of the chimney and I could hear the cry of a baby. My heart melted at the sight of it. And then tears appeared in my eyes when I saw my father's house. I knew I had missed home but I hadn't realized I had missed it this much. I sat on the grass and stared at the two houses as I started to cry.

"Tears again?" Ceecee sighed exasperated.

"It's common this late in a pregnancy." Regan explained sitting beside me and rubbing my back.

"I just missed it so much." I said.

"Well let's not put off your reunion any longer." Regan smiled. "I'm sure the children are excited to see you again." I nodded and held her hand tightly as she lifted me off the grass.

A tiny blonde boy raced out the front door of Debbie's house stark naked. I smiled as I watched Samuel hide behind a tree.

"Nathaniel James! Get back here this instant!" Debbie screamed appearing at the door. I looked at the small boy in wonder. Of course that would be Nathaniel. Samuel was taller when I left. Had I been gone that long that the little baby I had rocked to sleep had turned into a small child? "NATHANIEL!" Debbie screamed again and then spotted us. She shaded her eyes from the sun and watched us walk over the hill. Then she clutched her chest, said something to who ever was in the house and started running to us.

"You're here!" She screamed and I watched three faces appear in the doorway.

"AUNTIE!" Aggie and Samuel cried and all at once I had three people running at me. I laughed so hard I cried. They attacked me all at once, each one clingy to me as if I were a raft on the sea.

"Oh Susanna!" Debbie said sobbing. "I am so glad to see you!"

"We missed you." Aggie said.

"And look at you. You look wonderful." She said and I laughed wiping the tears away.

"You look wonderful!" I said noting the slight wrinkles around her eyes and the slight thickness to her waistline. But her eyes sparkled with happiness and she had never looked better. "You all look wonderful." I said standing back and taking in the children before me.

Aggie was taller, reaching just under my shoulder and skinny as ever. Her hair was long and jet-black, in a tight braid behind her head and she had more freckles on her nose.

Samuel was still very small but had grown slightly since turning 5. He had cut back his long curls and his hair was short and bright. When he smiled he was missing his two front teeth and he was more than happy to show it off.

Nathaniel clutched his mother's skirts tightly as he sucked on his thumb. He was the spitting image of his brother but with longer curls and a dirtier face. He studied me with a curious expression, completely forgotten who I was.

"Look at you. You have grown so much!" I said touching their cheeks. I smiled down at Nathaniel and winked. "Remember me?" He shook his head and hid behind her skirts.

"That's Aunt Susanna silly." Aggie said, clutching my hand tightly.

"It's ok. It has been a long time since he has seen me. He doesn't remember."

"But we remember you!" Samuel said hugging me again. I smiled down at him and kissed his cheek.

"Come. I'm sure your father will want to see you." She said leading me to his house.

"How is everyone?" I asked as she linked her arm through mine.

"Everyone is in fine health. Although we did have a scare just after Christmas."

"Aggie almost died from the sweating sickness. We had to stay in Grandpa's house for two months." Samuel said. "Momma was the only one allowed to see her. Not even Poppa."

"Poor Aggie." I said clutching her tightly to me.

"I'm all better now though! I can't wait to see your baby!"

"Its still a months time before he will be born." I smiled at down at her.

"I can't believe you travelled this far along into your pregnancy."

"It was an uncomfortable ride but we managed." I said and smiled at my two ladies.

"We snuck out in the dead of night." Ceecee said with a hint of adventure in her voice.

"Snuck out?" Aggie asked with wide eyes.

"You rode through the night?" Samuel asked in awe. "Was there any bandits?"

"Well there was the one group." Ceecee said mischievously. "But your aunt fought them off with a long sword." He studied her and then me and laughed.

"You're lying." He said shaking his head and we all laughed.

"What's so funny?" Papa said appearing at the front door. He caught sight of me and a huge smile grew on his face. "You came." He whispered and reached out and touched my face.

"Of course." I said and then wrapped my arms around my father and inhaled the familiar scents of him. I instantly felt at home.

"Boys! Your sisters home!" He yelled in my ear and I smiled as I heard footsteps behind me. When I turned around a giant red headed boy met me. He towered over Papa and I.

"My God. You are huge!" I said to David and he smirked at me.

"So are you." He teased kissing my cheek and touching my stomach. Johnny appeared beside him and smiled at me.

"Johnny." I said smiling at the pimply teen. "You've been taking care of him I see." I said pointing to my brother. He looked up at him and smiled, a certain twinkle in my eye. "I've tried too. How are you feeling?"

"Tired and hungry." I said.

"Lets get some food then." Papa said turning into the house. As we entered the house I saw someone sitting by the fire. His hair was shaggy and his beard was thick, but his cool grey eyes gave him away.

"Brad." I said quietly. He turned to me and smiled. Then grabbed a pair of crutches, hoisted himself up and hobbled towards me. He had lost his left leg at the knee and the sight of a dangling pant leg was unnerving. He looked down at his leg and smiled slightly.

"At least I'm alive." He said in a soft tone. It was unusual to see Brad so quiet and gentle. He wrapped an arm around me and hugged me tightly. "I'm so glad to see you." He said and tears pooled in my eyes.

"I'm glad to see you too." I said in complete honesty. "And I'm glad that you're finally marrying her. It's been too long." He nodded and sighed.

"I've missed so much." He smiled. "He's almost four now." He said proudly.

"Have you seen him?" I said remembering how Brad was not allowed to go near Gina's house.

"Are you kidding? He's been there everyday!" David said as he put the kettle over the fire. "Or she's been here." He laughed. "Heck the only reason why she isn't here is because tomorrows their wedding day."

"Are you nervous?" I asked as I pulled a chair close to his.

"Extremely." He said holding my hand tightly. "But tell me about you. How is life…in court?"

"Boring." I said honestly. "I'm not allowed to do anything in this condition." I said pointing to my stomach. "I'm allowed to sit and knit but that's about all."

"Oh Susanna." Regan sighed. "She gets out for walks and attends the parties. She's just not allowed to go riding or dance." I smirked at Brad and he laughed. All the sudden a playful shriek came from the front door and we all looked over. Jacob stood bent over holding the hands of a dark haired 8-month-old baby girl. I watched them in awe as she smiled proudly walking though the front door.

"Ah the princess has arrived." Papa said laughing as the baby bounced slightly in his father's hands.

"Oh my. She is precious!" Regan said watching her walk .

"I can't believe she's so big!" I said standing up. I kissed my brother and bent down, to the best of my ability, and smiled at my niece. She studied my face with bright grey eyes and looked weary for a second. Then she smiled, let go of Jacob's hands and held her arms out to me. I laughed as I hugged her tightly and watched her curious face study mine.

"It's like you're long lost friends." Debbie said and I laughed.

"She is adorable." I kissed her cheek and she laughed. "Aren't you Annie?"

"Her name is Anne Susanna, not Annie." Jacob scolded and I rolled my eyes at Aggie who laughed.

"Don't worry, we call her Annie when Papa's not around." Aggie whispered and Annie laughed and reached up for her sister.

"You finally got your girl." I said and then bit my tongue as Aggie looked up at me wounded. "I mean another girl." I laughed and kissed her head. "Sometimes I forget that you're not my daughter." I said recovering and tried not to notice the looks of worry on everyone's face. Aggie laughed and walked away, accepting my lie as a compliment. "So when is the wedding?"

"Tomorrow at noon." Brad said.

"Where will you live?" I asked sitting beside him.

"With her father. He's in poor heath and needs help on the farm." I looked at my brother failing to hide my pity.

"I can still lead a horse and plow Susanna." He laughed and again he shocked me with his happy nature.

"Of course." I said with a smile. "So tell me, how have you been all these years?" I said finally getting the chance to actually get to know my brother.

The day passed in a blur. I sat with Brad and talked for hours while we played with Anne and Nathaniel and helped Debbie peel potatoes. We talked about Gina and Henry, we talked about the war and his plans for the future. After dinner we sat around catching up and talking about the olds days. Regan asked a lot of questions about our mother, which Papa was happy to fill in. We stayed so late that it seemed silly and dangerous to walk back to the honeymoon house. So Papa set us up in David's room and Regan, Ceecee and I shared the large bed, which had been made specially for David's tall size.

The next morning I awoke to the kicks of my child. He wouldn't let me rest no matter which way I slept. After half an hour of trying to get comfortable I decided enough was enough and went down to make myself some tea. Brad was sitting my the fire and David and Johnny were up and outside getting the horses ready.

"Couldn't sleep?" I asked startling him.

"I'm too excited." He said smiling sleepily at me. "This is what I have been waiting for since I first realized I loved her." I felt my heart melt and smiled.

"Well I'm happy for you." I said and then winced as he kicked right below my rib cage. Brad saw me clutch my stomach and frowned.

"Are you alright?"

"He hates me. I swear it." I said taking the boiling water off the fire and pouring two cups of tea. I sat beside him and through my dress you could see the baby kicking me. "I'm surprised I don't have bruises."

"That strong huh?" He said watching my stomach ripple and flinch. "Are you nervous?" He asked and I thought about this.

"I don't think I am nervous to be a mother. I'm nervous at what he's going to be like as the future king of England. I don't want a snobby posh child when I grew up as a poor happy one. I want this life for him not that one." I said looking around the cabin.

"Hard times do make your soul stronger, but at least he'll never starve or know what it's like to go hungry." He said and I nodded. We fell into a peaceful silence and watched the fire crackle as the rest of the house woke up. When Ceecee and Regan entered the living room we decided that it was better if we walked back to the house, where our trunks were and would meet the rest of the family at the church.

We walked with linked arms and Regan talked about the beauty of my family and how truly blessed I was. About half way to the house the baby kicked so hard in my lower abdomen I was out of breath and almost collapsed.

"Your Majesty?" She said concern all over her face as she bent down beside me.

"It's fine." I gasped. "He just kicked me."

"He's never kicked you to the point where you cant breathe." Ceecee said.

"Are you sure he kicked you? You're not in labour are you?" Regan said and I shook my head.

"Its too soon for labour." I said struggling to stand. "Its just a kick. I'm fine." But as we walked the rest of the way I bit back the pain that was radiating through my stomach and taking over my whole body.

Seeing Gina was a marvel. She was a beautiful bride in a bright yellow dress with flowers in her hair and a spring to her step. And Henry was just as cute. He wore a yellow dress shirt and black tights with a black hat. He carried his parent's rings down the aisle with a certain purpose. He smiled at the guests and cheered when his parents exchanged vows. He looked up proudly at his father when they received the guests outside of the church.

When the dinner was done and the dancing started Brad grabbed Gina's hand and they swayed back and forth, allowing them to have their first dance without causing Brad pain or embarrassment. He kissed her deeply and for the first time they both looked happy.

About closer to the end of the night Gina collapsed on the seat beside me and smiled. With the wine she had drank her eyes gave off a certain sparkle and she winked at me.

"Oh Susanna! I am so happy!" She said grinning and watching her son and husband play a game of arm wrestling.

"I'm happy for you Gina." I said wincing at another pain. She narrowed her eyes at me.

"Labour?"  
"He's just kicking like crazy." She raised her eyebrows at me and I sighed. "It's too early."

"It can still happen." She said leaning closer to me.

"I think I might be." I said for the first time admitting the thing that scared me the most. She touched my face and felt my forehead.

"You're not sweating." She said more to herself than to me. "How often does it come?"

"Every couple of hours. It's not consistent." I said honestly.

"Have you released water yet?"

"No." I said trying to remember what Regan had said would be the sure signs of labour. She nodded and smiled.

"It might just be early signs of labour. I think you should go home and rest. Try and keep this baby inside." She said kissing my cheek. "Everything will be fine." She whispered as tears formed in my eyes.

"I'm scared Gina."

"I was scared too, but it is the most wonderful thing to hold your baby in your arms and look at the little person you've just created." She kissed my cheek and pushed my hair back.

"Thank you."

"We're sisters now! We need to look out for each other." I smiled brightly and kissed her cheek. I kissed my brother and nephew goodbye and met Regan and Ceecee at the carriage.

"Why must we leave so early?" Ceecee whined and I felt guilty.

"You can stay if you'd like." I said to her and she grinned brightly at me.

"It's OUR JOB to stay by your side Susanna." Regan said scolding Ceecee at the same time.

"It's fine Regan." I said nodding to Ceecee. "You can travel back with my father when your ready." She kissed my cheek and disappeared back into the dancing crowd.

"Your Majesty is too kind to her."

"She is a dear friend." I said as the carriage started bouncing away from the party. "Besides one of us might as well have fun." Regan clucked at me and sighed.

"You're Majesty! Wake up!" Regan said and I could hear Lucan whining beside me. I opened my eyes and squinted at the candle burning beside my face. Regan hovered over me with her long braid hanging over her shoulder. "Susanna!"

"I'm awake. I'm awake!" I grumbled as I rubbed my eyes and adjusted to the light. "What is it?" Regan looked at me horrified and as a sharp, hot pain rippled through my stomach I knew. I tried to sit up but it was impossible. She lifted the blankets back and a dark pool of blood stained my nightgown and the sheets beneath me. "Oh my God!" I whispered and I started to shake. "What's happening?" She looked at me with a sad expression and I shook my head.

"You're losing him." She said. "Where is that girl?" She cursed Ceecee for not being there. "I'll go fetch the doctor."

"No!" I grabbed her hand as she turned away. "There's no time." I said feeling the baby pushing down and the sudden need to push. She looked at me and blanked. "You need to help." I gasped as the pain blinded me. I was aware of the sheets being pulled back and Regan shouting for help. I heard her shout at someone and tell them to boil water. Then she held my leg back and told me to push.

The pain was unbearable, but my body told me to keep pushing, to get the baby out. I pushed until my head hurt and I felt dizzy. As the baby slipped out I collapsed back onto the pillows, sweaty and tired. The room was eerily quiet and I felt myself start to lose consciousness. Just as everything faded away I heard a cry in the distance. A baby's cry.

"She'll be so heartbroken." I heard someone whisper.

"He'll be furious." Another whispered back. "He'll have both of our heads."

"It must never be spoken of do you understand?" I groaned as I tried to roll over and a cool hand touched my forehead.

"Susanna?" a male voice spoke beside me. Light was coming in the windows and the world was awakening outside.

"My baby?" I asked feeling my empty womb.

"I'm sorry Susanna. I did everything I could." He said again. I turned and saw Dr. Smith staring at me. In three years he had barely aged. Apart from a couple of wrinkles brought by a new baby and a black mustache he still looked like he was a kid.

"Reg." I said holding out my hand and smiled.

"Susanna." He said with a sad smile.

"Where is my baby?" he looked at Regan and she nodded at him.

"He's- with God now." He said and I felt tears pool in my eyes. My world felt as if it had just been tipped over. My child was gone, brought too early into this world and stolen away from me.

"I- I want to see him." I said wiping my tears away.

"Susanna, I don't think that's-" Regan started but I held out my hand.

"I want to see him." Regan looked at Reginald and sighed. She left for a brief moment, leaving us alone.

"You can't travel for at least a week."

"Does my husband know?" I asked feeling my stomach turn at the thought of Adam.

"We sent a message." He said nodding. Regan appeared in the doorway was a small bundle of blankets.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" She asked as tears poured down my face. I nodded and held out my arms. She hesitated, sharing a brief glance with Reginald and then placed him in my arms.

He was tiny. Not even half the size of my forearm. His face was peaceful yet blue and his skin was ice cold and stiff. As I traced my finger over his face and his light hair I said a silent prayer for him. I apologized for bringing him to early and told him I loved him more than anything in the world. Then I handed him back and watched Dr. Smith take my son away.


	35. Albert and Addison

It happened almost a year later and what a horrible year it was. My entire life had changed.

Adam had arrived that terrible night and we quietly buried our poor baby boy in the yard beside the house. He never said a word to me that whole night or the next day on our journey home. God had punished me for not listening to my husband and thus Adam saw it as I had killed our only child. So he took this opportunity to teach me a lesson.

The first change he made was discharging Ceecee. I hadn't seen her since my brothers wedding but once at home he informed me that she was no longer in my service due to her horrible lack of judgment and failure to take care of the royal family. He gave me no indication of where she was or how I was supposed to contact her. He had taken my best friend away and I was never going to see her again.

The next thing he changed was he hired a small gaggle of giggling bright-eyed girls into my service. I had six new ladies-in-waiting standing around my parlor. Regan cringed just as I had at the sight of them. But they were eager to listen and after giving them a life-threatening lecture they turned out to be rather helpful. The only time they bothered me was when they laughed or talked. So for the most part they were silent.

Two months after that horrible day I broke. It was hard enough getting out of bed and took great strength to sit in the throne room and listen to the people complain about their horrible lives. So as I headed to the throne room to listen to more agonizing petitions I decided that I could not do it any longer and lined up to petition to the king. This way he could not say no. I quietly discussed my feelings with Regan and she gave me an idea and placed a black veil over my face. People could still see my features but it emphasized my mourning, as I had not taken off my black dress since I had gotten back to the castle.

I told the king that I could not stay here anymore, that I needed time away. I started crying when I retold the images of our son and how his skin was blue and cold. And I told him how I had thrown every piece of baby clothing into the fire pit and then burnt myself trying to get them back out. It wasn't until I saw some of his arms men and the women in the room crying that I knew I had one. He sighed and then nodded, sending me away to the Vacation house until I was ready to return. He commanded that all my ladies accompany me but allowed me to bring Alexander along with me. And when I saw he was the driver of my carriage I smiled and felt myself begin to relax.

Over the next 6 months alcohol and dancing became my best friends. Letters of concern from my family and friends sat un-open on my writing desk and their pleas were mute to my ears. I tuned out the news of England and the king and focused on parties and riding. I stayed at the vacation house for Christmas and only received a merry Christmas from Adam.

On the night of my 21st birthday I decided to through myself a party. But the only guests in invited were the people that I knew and they were all the staff at the castle. It was a chaotic party for food ran scarce very early and guests had to fetch their own wine. But everyone danced and laughed and drank till they could not feel their noses.

I sat at the table conversing with Alexander about the latest serving boy he was courting. We watched the serving boy dance around the room with my youngest lady-in-waiting, Sarah. She was a doe eyed girl with blonde curly hair whole loved Alexander. She thought that this man and Alexander were best friends so to make Alex jealous she had been dancing with this boy the whole night. Alex was jealous but not the way she wanted him to be.

"Look at that idiot girl. Stephen is to majestic for her." He said gulping down his wine.

"I'm assuming he hasn't given into your…charms yet." I said with a giggle and watched him sigh with frustration.

"Apparently I had a reputation for being quite the little whore." He said with a smile.

"You do!" I laughed in agreement. "Is he the only man in this room to stand without your touch?"

"Are you jealous dearest friend?" He said leaning towards me and batting his eyelashes. "Would you like me to touch you?"

"I think my life shall go on if you don't." I smirked and someone cleared they're throat.

"Your Majesty." Tad smiled up at me with his bright blue eyes and I could not resist the smile back.

"From one whore to another, he's one who has not been touched by me, for there is another touch he longs for." Alexander whispered and got up from the table. I smiled at Tad and invited him to sit where Alexander had sat.

"You're looking radiant tonight Your Majesty." He said and touched the gold sparkling fabric of my dress.

"Thank you. It is my birthday you know." I said with a drunken smile.

"So I have heard and thus my approach. May I have this dance?" I watched him over the top of my glass and then nodded.

"You may." I said handing him my gloved hand.

We twirled around the room laughing and drinking and talking of nothing important. We danced for three songs and when the last song ended he bowed and kissed my hand. Then he touched my cheek and whispered, "The bank in ten minutes." He smiled at me and I nodded. I felt my heart race and a smile broke over my face. He bowed again and disappeared from the room as one of the cooks asked me to dance. After the song ended I told Regan I had an urge for the lavatory and assured her that I was quite safe going on my own.

I checked that no one was around before I dashed into the cold April air and across the wet grass. I stumbled many times in my drunken state as I headed to the lake.

"You came." He said smiling at me. The moonlight made his blonde hair look white and his eyes twinkled with amusement. The waves were loud and there was a cold breeze but it felt wonderful on my hot skin and seemed to make me more aware of my surroundings. He had laid a red thick blanket on the ground and there were two glasses of wine beside it.

"I always do." I said wasting no time as my mouth met his and I pulled at his clothes. Tad had always been my friend, since my first visit to the Vacation House. But a short while ago, after hearing of the birth of my husband's bastard our relationship had become a more physical one. I had sought out the comfort of alcohol but found Tad instead. Since then we met secretly and told no one. We weren't in love we just enjoyed each other's company.

He smiled down at me as he pressed me to the blanket. "I'm very glad you came."

"I can see that." I said smiling at him. "But you always say that."

"I do?"

"Always. Right before…this." I exhaled as he entered me and felt everything but him melt away.

"Sorry to interrupt Susanna." Alexander's voice appeared from the forest just as we were about to finish. I gasped and Tad jumped off me cursing. I sat up and smiled at my friend, which he returned the smile. "The King is here." He said and my smile faltered for a second.

"Ugh. Tell him I'm preoccupied." I said looking at Tad as he struggled to get his clothes back on. Alexander laughed.

"He's already been waiting ten minutes and he is eager to see you." He said nodding and then disappearing into the trees. I sighed and looked at Tad.

"You can't be serious." He said as he laced up he trousers. I kneeled and tugged on the laces.

"We have a couple more minutes."

"Susanna. He's here to see you." He looked up at the castle. "If he caught us I'd be killed."

"He wont catch us."

"Please." He said picking up my dress. I sighed and snatched it away. "You always ruin my fun." At this he laughed and kissed my neck as he laced the dress.

"To be fair Alexander seem ruined our fun." He said.

"He's known about our secret meetings for a while."

"That's what you're thinking about?" He said with raised eyebrows. "How long your best friend has known for?"  
"No I'm thinking that I can't seem to keep secrets very good." I said with a laugh and then wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. He struggled to push me away but he did and sighed.

"Susanna."

"Don't worry. I'm not going to let anything happen to you." I said kissing his lips lightly.

"What if a baby is produced?"

"A baby?" I said puzzled and then I smiled. "A baby has never been produced before."

"Because my seed has always been spilt onto your belly." He held my face in his hands, "except for tonight." I shook my head and laughed.

"Oh Tad darling. We hadn't reached that point yet. No baby was made. Now I must do my royal duties and greet my husband."

I walked back up to the house, cup of wine in hand and drank the whole thing before entering the castle. The room went an eerie quiet and I looked around as everyone stared at me. I looked at my reflection in a looking glass and other than rosy cheeks my appearance was the same when the party started.

"Why has the music stopped?" I called out and no one answered. "Get the music playing. It's my birthday and I say the music must play." As the music started again I smiled. "I need a drink." I said to Alexander who stood closest to me.

"I don't blame you." He said and then handed me a new goblet full of wine. "He's over there."

I spotted him sitting in my seat wearing a dark blue tunic with white tights and his sword hung at his waist. His blond hair was longer and curlier than usual and a small beard hid his face.

"You are sitting in my seat, You Majesty." I said curtsying and spilling my drink.

"I am?" He said, watching me with amusement as I wiped the wine off the floor.

"You are. I am the ruler of this castle and that is my seat. You are a guest. You may sit to my right." I said and surprised me by moving to the next seat. I looked around the room and everyone was watching us.

"Your seat my Queen." He said offering the seat.

"You risk humiliation?" I asked narrowing my eyes at him.

"I feel like I have humiliated you enough." He said looking down at his gloved hands. My stomach turned and I felt as if I could throw up. I stumbled up to the seat and sat in it.

"You must be speaking of your bastard." I hissed. "I hear congratulations are in order for it is a boy, is it not?"

"Susanna-"

"At least you finally got your son." I said gulping back the wine.

"Susanna please. Can we talk privately?"

"I don't know what we would have to say to one another."

"At least lets try to find something to say." He begged. I saw his tired eyes and his horrible beard and a piece of my cold heart melted. I sighed and got up without another word. I headed towards my parlor and it took a moment but eventually he followed me.

I closed the door behind him and placed my drink of the table. I opened the doors to my bedroom and started unlacing my dress.

"Susanna."

"I just need to change my dress, I've spilt so much wine and I seem to have fallen in the mud." I said and struggled with my laces. I felt his hands on my back and let him untie my dress. He held me close and whispered, "I miss you," into my ear and before I knew it my clothes were off and we were in my bed. Maybe Alexander was right. Maybe I was turning out to be quite the whore.

The king left the next morning without a word and my life went back to its normal routine, Regan offering to read my letters, I denying her and asking for a cup of ale instead. It continued this way for another four weeks until one morning I awoke with a huge pain in my head and an unsettled stomach. I could not stomach the sight of food and pushed away anything in a brown cup. I asked for nothing and wanted to see no one, but Regan had the girls waiting on me hand and foot, wiping my brow with a cold cloth and offering me water. Around lunchtime my sickness disappeared and I had the sudden urge to go swimming. Regan forbid it until I played the only card I had, the Queen card.

The water was freezing for the middle of May and no one would swim with me except for Lucan. He swam circles around me as I treaded water and laughed at everyone standing on the bank watching me. I knew it was too cold when Lucan gave up and went back to dry land. We cuddled beside the fire in a big blanket and I thought of my son. He would be sitting up now, maybe even walking. For the first time I didn't feel like a murderer, I felt sad but also peace. For the first time I didn't need barrels of alcohol to help me sleep.

The next morning and the morning after and the morning after that the sickness took over me. One day it lasted the whole day and I never left my bed. Alexander went over the list of foods I had eaten and the ladies checked if anyone else was sick. But Regan knew. She made me take a bath and while I was washing she examined me.

"Susanna." She whispered quietly. I shooed the ladies away and Regan held my hand. "It's time to go back home."

"Regan I'm just starting to feel better. I need more time before I'm pushed into the world of rules and restrictions again."

"Susanna, you're with child again."

"With child but…my birthday!" I said thinking of the king and she nodded.

"The longer you stay out here the more suspicious it will seem when you return home pregnant." She studied my face and I noticed more grey in her hair. "People will start to talk if you stay here." The look on her face made it clear that Alexander was not the only person that knew about Tad. I had promised him no harm and I was going to keep my promise.

So the next day we packed up our things and headed back home. Adam was surprised when I walked through the doors of his meeting room. He was studying a map and talking with Paul. He froze for a second and then beamed at me, wrapping me tightly in his arms and kissing me deeply.

"Adam I'm-"

"I can't believe you came back to me. I have so much I want to tell you but I have no idea how."

"Adam I need-"

"I know darling. You need time. I'm just so happy you are back. I was worried that you had stopped loving me."

"I'll always love you." I said tears filling my eyes. "But I came back because I'm pregnant." The smile froze on his face and he studied me before he dropped his hands.

"I see." He said turning away. He walked to the window and sighed. "Who's the father?" I choked.

"Excuse me?"

"Who is he?" He snapped.

"Have you lost your mind?" I asked through tears.

"Of course you wont tell me because you know I'll have him killed."

"You'll have to kill yourself you old fool!" I said and he turned to me raging. "As unhappy as we are, you are the father of this poor child." And I stormed out of the room and went straight to my old parlor.

Adam came to me that night as I pushed my dinner plate away for the fourth night in a row.

"I'm sorry." He said after I dismissed everyone. I sat in my chair and stared at the roaring fire. He knelt on the floor beside me and held my hand. "I'm sorry I assumed the worse."

"You should be. You and I are two completely different people. I take our marriage seriously." I lied and his face fell.

"I promise I wont do that to you again. I'm going to be a better husband and take care of you. But you can't run away from me."

"I wish I didn't want to." I said pulling my hand away. He sat stunned for a minute and then sighed.

"This baby is a new start for us." He said with a smile and I nodded. "This is our chance to be happy."

"I believe it can be, but I wont be certain until I hear him cry and hold him in my arms." I said as tears filled my eyes.

"He will cry Susanna. I know it." He pulled me into his arms and held me tightly as I cried into his shirt.

"No one must know."

"What?" He asked looking down at me.

"We can not tell anyone." He smiled and shook his head.

"A baby is not something to easily hide."

"But we will try and deny it until he comes." He sighed and wiped my face. "We were too excited and too preoccupied that we missed all the horrible things that can happen when pregnant. We need to be more careful."

"Are you telling me you're going to lock yourself in this room for the next eight months?"

"No I'm telling you that if you take a mistress I will not hold it against you." I said not meeting his eye. It was like he stopped breathing.

"You're telling me that-"

"We shall not share a bed until after this baby is born." He stood up appalled.

"You never worried about this before."

"And look at where that got us. A still born son and a broken marriage." He stormed to the window.

"Why are you doing this to me?" His voice cracked.

"I just want to be careful." I said and when I watched his shoulders shudder I realized he was crying. I stood up to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. "I love you. I've always loved you. But I want to have a child. I want to look into a baby's face and see you looking back. I want to show the world the love that we have. It's only eight months."

"Eight months is a long time."

"More than eight months had passed since we had shared a bed before this baby."

"And I took a mistress ended up with a son I cannot see and a broken heart." I stopped and felt a knife stab my heart as he talked about his other child.

"This baby will fix all of that. We just have to get him to this world." He turned and looked down at me. I wiped the tears from his face and smiled.

"You are very scared aren't you?" He asked.

"Terrified." I whispered and he sighed.

"Alright." He nodded. "Alright. I shall not announce it until he is born and I shall not enter this room until you want me to."

"Thank you." He smiled sadly and kissed me lightly.

"A baby." He sighed and I smiled.

"A baby you wont be ashamed to love." He nodded again and then left me standing at the window to cry.

The months passed in an agonizingly slow pace. It was easy to hide my pregnancy from my ladies after Regan told them I had a disease from too much wine. But when my clothes got to be too tight they started to whisper as I walked by and when I took Lea for walks the stable boys whispered between them. And when I started craving chocolate or wanting to eat in the middle of the night the chefs whispered between them. It wasn't long before the whole kingdom was gossiping about my baby.

One this particular day I had dressed in a purple gown with gold trimmings and was eating lunch with Adam. He was talking about the latest ball we were planning in two nights. He had shaved his beard and didn't look as tired as he had. I liked to think it was because we were spending more time together doing everything but having sex. And trust me it wasn't easy turning him away. But I had to be careful.

On this day there was knock at the door and Paul entered the room. He bowed to us and then gave me a smug smile. He started talking to Adam about plans to invade France again and I decided to excuse myself, for talk of war often made me nauseous. As I struggled to stand he grabbed my arm and helped me up.

"Thank you. Too much wine I fear." I smiled and he nodded.

"Or maybe it's the fact that your baby should come any day now." He said and I turned to Adam.

"I told you it wouldn't be easy to hide." He smiled. "No matter how big your dresses are." He laughed as did Paul and I blushed.

"Why haven't you announced it yet?" He asked harshly.

"Her Majesty is scared that it will- what did you call it? Jinx our baby?" I nodded and blushed again as Paul raised his eyebrows at me.

"Oh is that the reason?" He narrowed his eyes and I felt my face go crimson.

"I'm just being safe." I said then bowed, to the best of my ability, and left the room.

As I was walking through the garden I had the urge to take a walk through the market. It had just started up in honour of the New Year and I wanted to see the changes to that had been made. I convinced Lady Regan and the girls to dress warmly and we walked through the snow and mud to the market.

It was rather quiet, partly because of the weather and partly because food seemed to be scarce. I saw children, in summer clothing wandering the streets looking for food. They were dirty and scared and cold and I remembered one winter, when I was younger where my family had run out of food. It only happened once but I'll never forget the feeling of being so hungry I could barely move.

The sellers called out to us and people bowed as we passed but no one cheered and no one looked happy to see us.

"We must do something." I said to Regan, who was always on my right and Lucan was on my left.

"What do you have in mind?"

"We could give alms?" Laura, one of my brighter ladies, suggested.

"An excellent idea." Regan agreed and I nodded.

"But it will only be enough for today and we're not reaching half the people in this town." I said making note of a child clutching his baby sister tightly against the wind. "When we go back we must think of something more beneficiary to the people." Lucan barked and headed down an alley. I called for him but he did not answer so naturally I followed him.

"Your Majesty you can't." Regan grabbed my arm.

"I'll take those two guards with me. Finish handing out my coins to the children and I'll meet you back here."

"Susanna." She hissed and I pulled my arm away.

"That's an order." I said narrowing my eyes at her and nodding at two guards.

I followed Lucan down the dark alley and felt the baby kick frantically within.

"Shh, it will be alright." I said to it as I rubbed my hand on my stomach. This seemed to always work and he normally would quiet down, but he kicked harder and more frantic. I was just about to turn back when I heard a woman cry out and Lucan whimpered. I saw him lay down beside a stack of barrels and rushed over.

It was the red headed girl from the pub. The same one who I had seen on the lap of my husband the night I lost my baby. The same one who had given him his first son. Here she was clutching a slightly swollen belly and groaning in pain. I froze when I saw her and heard the guard encourage me to leave her. But how could I leave this girl alone when my husband was most likely the reason she was in this state. Her belly was too small to be birthing a healthy baby, which means it was a miscarriage.

"We need to help her." I said and looked around. The ground was dirty and bloody where she sat and she wasn't any better. "She needs to go back to the castle."

"We're not taking her back there."

"Yes we are. We're not going to let her die on the streets."

"But Your Majesty don't you know who she is?"

"I don't care who she is or if she's slept with my husband. She's in pain, possibly dying and we're going to take care of her. Now pick her up and take her to the castle. Take her to the guest wing and put her in the last room of the hallway. Call the doctor and I'll meet you there in ten minutes. GO!" I snapped and they two men picked up the girl and carried her away. I looked at Lucan and nodded.

"You know what to do." I said and dashed away to round up my ladies. I leaned against the wall and took a deep breath. The cramping in my stomach was familiar and I knew what it meant, but like last time I ignored it and pushed on. He was just going to have to wait a couple more minutes.

"How is she?" I asked taking off my gloves as I entered the warm room. The girl, still dirty and bleeding lay on the bed and a servant girl stood back beside the guards who just stared at her. "What are you standing around for? Get me hot water and towels. And you get Lady Regan. And the midwife."

"The midwife? But my lady-"

"GO!" I snapped and sat on the bed by the woman's feet. I lifted her dress and assessed the situation.

"You need to push-" I couldn't remember her name. It had been years since I had talked to her at the Black Bucket and I couldn't remember her name.

"I'm so sorry." She said taking in who I was.

"Just push. Your baby is gone and you are going to die if you don't get him out."

"I cant…" She gasped and then without another word started pushing. Within two minutes a little baby girl slipped out into my hands. She was pink and quiet with beautiful eyelashes, but she was small and too early. I wrapped her in the towels the maid gave me as the door opened and Regan and the midwife rushed in.

"What is this?" Regan snapped.

"She needed my help." I said my eyes never leaving the baby. The midwife took over my spot and got to work on the woman.

"You helped her? She's the woman who-"

"Who slept with my husband I know." I said studying the baby. When my baby was born he was blue. This baby was still pink. I pressed my mouth to the baby's and sucked hard. All the sudden she started crying, a quiet gentle cry, but a cry nonetheless.

"She's alive?" I heard Regan gasp and I felt tears in my eyes.

"She's alive!" I said. And then handed the baby to Regan as I passed out from the pain in my own womb.

Delivering my baby was like a dream. I remember seeing Regan and the old midwife staring down at me. I remember hearing Regan gasp and then start ordering people around. I remember hearing the maid crying and Regan ordering her from the room. Then it went black again.

The next image was Regan holding my leg back and telling me to push. The searing hot pain that shot through my body as I pushed the baby out and the feeling of exhaustion taking over my body. I could feel the panic in the room as I pushed the baby out. And as he slipped out of my body I heard Regan whisper to the midwife and then there was a small cry and everything went black.

When I was fully awake I was lying in my own bed and everything was quiet. The first signs of morning were peering through the window and I felt someone on the bed next to me. I took a deep breath and felt the tenderness as I tried to sit up.

"Your Majesty?" Regan said as she rolled over and looked at me.

"My baby?"

"A beautiful healthy baby boy!" She said with a grin and there were tears in her eyes.

"A boy?" I said tears in my own eyes. "Finally." I sighed and lay back and Regan wrapped her arms around me.

"Would you like to see him?"

"Yes!" I said and she nodded to someone else in the room who stepped forward with a small bundle in their arms. It was Alexander and he was smiling at me brightly. He placed my child in my arms and I sat with my two best friends marveling at the little person I had created.

"He's beautiful." I said as I wiped my tears away.

"He is. You did wonderful work." Regan said touching his face.

"Does Adam know?"

"He knows and he has held him. We wanted you to hold him first but you wouldn't wake." Regan said.

"He's already changed your party plans. It's now going to be a celebratory ball for the little prince." I smiled and shook my head. "And he's got his nursery underway and his wet nurse is here. She's already held him."

"His wet nurse?" I looked horrified as I glanced at Regan for confirmation. She gave me a sad smile and brushed back my hair.

"Queens do not nurse their children."

"I can't… It's not her is it?" I asked furious.

"No Susanna. She died after you delivered her baby." Regan explained. "She wouldn't stop bleeding." I nodded and sighed.

"Where is her baby?"

"We didn't tell the king. The girl said he did not know of this child."

"Where is her baby?" I asked again.

"She's going to be taken care of." Alexander said.

"Where is her baby!" I snapped.

"She's going to an orphanage in Scotland. It's one of the best."

"No." I said shaking my head.

"Susanna you can't be serious." Regan scolded.

"I am serious."

"What?" Alex asked confused.

"I want to see her."

"Susanna she's…"

"I know she's still here. I want to see her. In the meantime fetch the King and tell him I think it's a marvelous idea that we have the ball in Albert's honour."

"Albert?" Regan studied my baby. "Is that what you are calling him?"

"Prince Albert Henry. It has a strong ring to it."

"Very powerful." She said and then kissed my head. "I am very proud of you." She said and then left to tell the king.

An hour later the wet nurse came to feed Albert and Alexander arrived with the baby. He placed the small child in my arms and I studied her face. She had long eyelashes and beautiful long fingers. But the hair on her head was too short and her cry was weak.

"What shall we call you?" I asked the baby and she sighed at the sound of my voice. Alexander sat on the bed next to me and smiled.

"It's wonderful that you want to take care of her, but it would be an embarrassment to you."

"She is my husbands daughter."

"But not your daughter. Maybe it's the fact that you just had your own baby but this child is not yours."

"She has lost her mother."

"And what you are going to be her mother?" He asked and I did not respond. "Susanna."

"I'm not allowed to feed my own child. But there is no rule that says I cant care for someone else's."

"This is crazy." He rubbed his face. "This is crazier than swimming naked or secret meetings."

"My whole life is secrets now. What's one more." I said studying her face. "She needs me." I said opening my shirt as the baby started to cry. Defeated Alexander sighed.

"I'll claim her as mine." He said.

"You can't do that." I said with a smile. "I don't want you to ruin your reputation."

"A baby might be fun. And a baby with you? Well that's like my dream come true!" I laughed and he smiled at me. "What shall we call her?"

"Addison." I said and her eyes opened.

"Hmm. That's fitting. Child of Adam."

"And she seems to like it." I said and we smiled at each other as she drifted back to sleep.


	36. Just a Queen

After Albert was born everything seemed to go back to normal. I felt happy and I marveled in the growth of my baby boy. But what I loved was watching Addie and Albert grow up together. Both of them were born on the same day but Albert sat up first whereas Addie smiled first.

People questioned my relationship with Addie and I simply said that I had taken her under my wing as her mother had died, which was the truth. Adam was bothered by it at first, not knowing who her mother was and unnerved by the fact that Alexander and I were spending a lot of time together. But Regan and the midwife and the two guards assured him I had delivered only one baby so he soon became content too.

Every day I would wake and visit the children before I ate my breakfast. The wet nurses, I hired one for Addie too, would bring the children into my parlor and my ladies and I would dress them and play with them for at least an hour.

It wasn't until they were five months that we started noticing they're personality differences. Albert was determined and strong where as Addie was happy and quiet. Albert was eager to crawl where Addie just wanted to be cuddled. Albert pushed me away where Addie clung to me tightly. It wasn't until their fifth month of life that I noticed the differences. Addie's hair was bright red and curly, like her mothers, but her eyes were dark and her nose was sharp like her fathers. Albert's hair was golden blond and poker straight and his eyes were blue like the ocean, like his fathers. I hadn't thought it possible until I noted the eye colour and the complete difference in the two children. Neither one was the same in temperament or appearances. But I pushed it aside, told no one of my thoughts and let life continue on in the wonderful bliss it was.

As it approached their first birthday Regan and I had finally started working on our plans to open an orphanage. We wanted the children to be properly looked after and to have a decent life. Adam was hesitant at first. He was putting down ideas and giving us problems. But after we drew up plans for the building and plans on how money would be made he was willing to help. He decided he would through ball in honour of our hard work.

The morning of the party I sighed I lifted my head from his chest. I rubbed my eyes and stretched the sleep out of my body. It was just starting to shrink back to the size it used to be and despite what Regan said, I was going to be back to where I had started.

I rolled over to the spot where Adam had been and noticed the blanket tucked neatly into the bed and the pillow plumped, as if no one had been there at all. We had been spending almost every night together since he had agreed to let us open the orphanage. But it the love between us was different. He was more gentle and slow, as if he was afraid of breaking me or that I would disappear. It lacked the rough passion we had before but maybe this love was better. It started to become more routine and easy to expect. I knew last night when he came into my chambers that he would not be here in the morning. But life was getting better.

When I finally got out of bed and got dressed I was eager to see the children. But when I got there I found that I was not the only one eager to see my son. Adam swooped Albert in his arms and twirled him around. He loved that child and Albert loved him equally. It was a blessing that Addie had come into our lives or I would feel just as childless as I had almost two years ago.

"He must be dressed in the finest outfit." Adam said to the wet nurse.

"Of course your majesty."

"Gold or white." He kissed the baby's cheek. "Something magnificent."

"We have just the outfit for him." She said pulling out a large white box. Inside was a white tunic with gold trimmings and a gold sash. There was small black boots and a white hat with a gold feather.

"He'll look wonderful." I said kissing my son who smiled as if he understood and then kissing my husband. I no longer complained about his absence and he no longer apologized for it, but his eyes still held guilt. "But what will she wear?" I asked kissing my daughter. She batted her dark brown eyes at me and giggled. I became aware that the room was quiet.

"Your Majesty I didn't think-"

"Susanna. She is not royalty."

"But…she's like my daughter. They spend every minute together. I cannot have him there and not her. Besides Alexander is going to be there."

"And do you think he's going to be toting around his child the whole night." He passed Albert back to the wet nurse and Albert whimpered.

"She must come to the party."

"She may come but she is not allowed to stand with us." He said and for the first time in a week I was furious with him. Before I could object he kissed Albert and left the room.

I took the children and brought them out to the garden. They were wearing so many articles of clothes that they could barely move. But when Marcia, Addie's wet nurse, or April, Albert's wet nurse, or I through the little mounds of snow in the air they giggled with delight and looked at each in wonder. After about 15 minutes the babies started getting fussy so we decided to go back in.

As we were walking passed the stables April gasped and grabbed Marcia's arm tightly. "See there he is. I told you he worked here." She said and I stopped to look.

"There who is?"

"April was at the Black Bucket and kissed a boy-"

"Not a boy, a man! I've never kissed a man before."

"She thinks' its true love." I looked from one wet nurse to the other and studied them. Marcia was older, maybe in her 30's. Her hair was brown but it was starting to go grey in some places. Her green eyes were tired and her body looked as if she had been bearing children for 20 years as opposed to ten. When I found her she was begging a guard to find a doctor. Her baby was dead but she hadn't admitted it yet. It had taken her a week to warm up to Addie. She left her husband and two children to come work for me, sending them money every week. But she loved it.

April was Paul's choice seeing as Adam never hired specific people unless they were men in his company. She was 15 years old and 100 pounds soaking wet. She had kissed her childhood sweetheart behind her house and ended up pregnant two months later. Her hair was blonde and curly and her eyes were so blue they looked purple. But she was a homely girl, with a broken nose that never healed right and a chipped front tooth from a drunken father. She lost her baby to early birth but she never bonded with Albert. She cringed every time he drank from her and coward away every time he cried. She was a waste of money, but she was Adam's pick so she had to stay.

"You do not have time to be kissing boys and filling yourself with Ale. You are the Prince of England's wet nurse. If you cant handle it we can find someone else!" I snapped taking the baby from her. "Go and get a bath ready for them. And God help you if you end up with child on my watch." She shivered with fear and raced back to the house. I sighed and felt guilt fill my stomach.

"Was I too hard on her?" I asked Marcia and she blinked at me. We had never really had very much to say to each other. We only talked about the children and they're progress. So asking her opinion was not something of the norm.

"I-I- No." She exhaled. "I've been tired of her complaining and whining about boys for the longest time. He is rather cute though." She said eyeing the man at the barn. He was tall and muscular but was standing away from us so you could not see his features.

"What makes you think he's cute?" I asked.

"His behind. Sometimes that's all that matters." She winked at me and I busted out laughing. And we continued on into the castle.

Halfway through bathing the children I was pulled away by Regan to get dressed. Albert whimpered when I left the room but Addie screamed the whole way down the hall. I stopped and listened as her crying didn't let up. I sighed and Regan shook her head.

"She needs to be away from you so she can have independence."

"She's almost a year old."

"It's healthy for them."

"She's already lost one mother, she doesn't need to lose two." I said and turned back.

"Susanna-" Regan hissed and I frowned at her.

"If you could have your child back, would you let her out of your sight for one minute?" She stopped and stared at me shocked and sad. I felt bad for reminding her but it worked and she let me walk back to the room. The women looked at me with surprise as I wrapped a towel around Addie and lifted her from the warm water.

"She's not royalty, which means she doesn't need to be primped and pressed for this party. So I'll dress her." April gaped at me whereas Marcia nodded and jumped into action. She handed me a pretty light pink dress with lots of ruffles and a pair of white shoes. She wasn't royalty but she was dressed as if she was.

"I'm promoting you to head wet nurse." I said with a smile and she laughed. "You are now in charge of the Prince and all the wet nurses that will tend for him. And trust me there will be more. But I'll try my hardest not to make them all blubbering idiots." I said as I heard April sigh sadly in the other room.

"I don't know what to say." Marcia blushed.

"Your pay will be increased and you will have your own room. I just need to get the preparations underway. The idea just came to me." I said and laughed. She shook her head and there were tears in her eyes.

"You are too kind."

"You are an excellent worker and have a stable mind. I need you to care for my son. For I am," I stared at my little pink baby as he splashed water at April and laughed. "Just the queen."

The theme for the ball was a masquerade which had to be fun and creative in honour of children. Although the only children that were there was the Prince and Addie. My dress was blood red with black feathers. And my mask was black with a crow's beak and sparkling diamonds all around it. There were black feathers at the edges of the eyes and my hair was up in a complicated bun with black and red feathers. It was a beautiful dress with hard work and determination written all over it.

Marcia held tightly to a whimpering Addie as Adam gave his speech and spoke of my persistence and determination. He made jokes of how I woke him in the middle of the night by talking of new ideas. I felt myself blush but I laughed it off and decided not to get too upset by his teasing. It ended by toasting to the orphanage and me. Everyone cheered and clapped as I thanked them for their support and promised them success in my project. Then the dancing began and everyone was happy and drunk within the hour.

Albert was the first one to start fussing but Addie followed shortly. Both babies had shortened naps due to the ball and were tired by seven. I found Adam among the lords and ladies and sweetly pulled him away and explained that I was going to put the babies to sleep. He frowned at me and spoke of the proper way to raise a Prince and that people would note my absence. But I frowned back and spoke of their routine and how important routine was to a child. In the end I won and promised to be back in half an hour.

I dressed Albert in his nightgown as Marcia dressed Addie. April was nowhere to be found and I was just about at the end of my patience with her. So the two of us lay the babies side by side and dressed them. The bond between the children was uncanny. They comforted each other when upset and would cry out to each other when they could not see the other. They looked up at us with the same grumpy expression and expected us to hurry.

It took ten minutes before we thought of the idea. Once one baby would start to doze the other would cry, as if they were telling each other not to give in to sleep. I would've laughed if I wasn't annoyed by it. So finally I lay down on the large day bed in by the window and placed the two babies beside me, facing each other. Within two minutes they were asleep.

Marcia exhaled and slumped onto a chair and closed her eyes. "What a day."

"And it's only seven o'clock." I yawned.

"But my day started at quarter to six this morning. And it's done." She said with a chuckle. I groaned and kissed the babies heads before I got up. "Just leave them here. I'll come back and move them later." I said placing a large pillow beside each baby so they wouldn't roll off the bed. I kissed them again and quietly left them to their dreams.

"You suit being a mother." A familiar voice said from behind me and I felt my heart jump. I turned around and he wore a brown tunic and a plain brown mask. Nothing special and nothing complicated just simple, the way he was.

"Thank you kind sir."

"Would you care to dance?" He asked and my heart skipped again. I looked for Adam but he was busy discussing the plans with a group of men.

"I would." I said placing my gloved hand in his and lining up as the dance started. We danced off and on the whole night. We would dance for two songs and then another gentlemen would ask me to dance and then we'd dance again. I watched Adam constantly but he never took note. He never even recognized.

"What are you doing here?" I asked closer to the end of the night.

"I'm working." He said with a bright smile.

"Permanently?"

"No, just for the week." I felt my heart drop and the realized I was married. I nodded my head and looked around at all the happy guests. "I want to see him."

"You saw him during the speech."

"I want to meet him." He whispered and there was a hint of sadness to his voice.

"I don't think it's a good idea."

"Susanna."

"Tad. "I said and looked up into his sad blue eyes. They begged me and I couldn't resist. I sighed and shook my head. "Dance with two more women and then come and find me at the staircase in the east wing. You can help me tuck him in, but I'm not waking him." He smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen, kissed my hand and approached a young lady sitting at the table beside her parents. I laughed as I watched her mother's eyes widen with excitement and her father's eyes inspect him carefully before I left the party.

I was halfway down the hallway when I heard my name being called. I turned and found my husband all in a dark purple chasing me. I stopped and removed my mask, smiling.

"Yes?"

"Where are you going now?"

"I promised Marcia I'd be back to-" I saw the look of annoyance on his face and I stopped.

"You cannot spend every waking minute." He snapped.

"He's my son."

"He's our son but I am not there every second of the day tending to him."

"Maybe if you had been his only source of life for nine months you would be." He stopped and stared at me. "My mother was always there for me. She devoted her day to caring for us as any mother should."

"You are not just some common housewife Susanna. You are the fucking Queen of England. Now start acting like it." He shouted and a servant dropped a plate with goblets on it. He grabbed my arm and pulled me closer. "You have a duty to your country and a show to put on to our guests. Stop embarrassing me by disappearing to see a baby."

"He's my baby!" I shouted. Then before I could even blink his hand connected with my face and it was instantly hot. I couldn't see out of my left eye and my ears were ringing. I could feel him breathing heavily in front of me and I could feel the blood rushing through my veins.

"You are excused from the party." He said and then turned and stalked down the hallway, his cape flapping behind him. I felt embarrassed and humiliated as several servants stood around and watched me try to compose myself. I let one tear fall before I took a deep breath, smiled and headed towards the eat wing.

I told April that the King has allowed her to attend the party and she practically jumped for joy. She raced out of the room so fast it was like she was on fire.

"He's going to be angry." Marcia said and I nodded as I touched Albert's face. "But he's already angry isn't he." She said touching my cheek lightly and I flinched away.

"It will look badly on him not me. Of course he'll know that it was me but he'll have no other option but to fire her for leaving her post." Marcia nodded and studied me. I sighed. "And I needed her to be gone. I feel like you are someone I can trust and I enjoy your company. I would like us to be dear friends and I don't have very many friends. So I'm trusting you with a secret." She swallowed deeply and shook her head.

"I don't want any trouble." She said raising her hands.

"No I wont hurt you. You keep my secret and I'll keep you safe." I said. She studied my face for a second and then sighed. "I have a friend coming to see my son."

"A friend?" She asked. "For what purpose?"

"Just to see him." I said and touched his beautiful blonde hair.

"That's it?" she said with disbelief.

"That's it." I said and smiled slightly. "I must go meet him."

"Him? Your friend is a him?" She asked but her tone was more curious than judgmental. I smiled at her and left the room.

He stood at the bottom of the staircase fidgeting nervously. He had taken off his mask and was crushing it in his hands. I stopped at the top step and smiled at him. He jumped when he saw me and rushed up the stairs.

"Is it ok to see him?"

"Of course." I said looking around. "But we must tell no one." I said and sped away down the hallway. We made no sound as we reached the doors and entered the room. There was a certain peace in this room. With the light colours and the crackling fireplace anyone would want to stay in here. Marcia jumped as we entered and I apologized for frightening her.

"I thought we were allowed to tell anyone." He said and I hissed at him to be quiet.

"This is Marcia, she is Albert's wet nurse." She bowed to him and he nodded to her. "We can trust her." I said and smiled at her.

I walked to the bed and gently picked up Albert. He stirred at being moved but I carefully placed him in Tad's arms and he sighed back to sleep. I watched as Tad sat on the day bed and studied his son's face. He looked so interested, as if nothing could tear him away. So I picked up Addie and tucked her into bed. She whimpered but I kissed her face and whispered goodnight and she fell back asleep.

"He's beautiful." He whispered when I sat beside him.

"He looks just like you." I sighed and when he smiled at me I frowned.

"He looks just like me." He admitted and frowned again. "Which means that I should stay away."

"It's for his safety." I said as a tear rolled down his cheek.

"I never thought I would have children. But when I heard the news of his birth I had to see him. Of course I couldn't come to his announcement ball because I didn't have a good enough reason. A whole year I waited to hold him and he might've been mine."

"He's yours." Marcia chimed in. She had been studying him the whole time and for the first time she smiled. "He's got the same mouth when he's sad."

"And he's stubborn and aggressive."

"A charmer." At this Tad smiled and wiped his face.

"Here." He said handing him to me. "I'm happy knowing he's going to give you a run for your life." I shook my head and tucked him in. He hugged and thanked Marcia before we left. We walked in silence all the way to the stable door. He sighed and rubbed his face.

"He did that to you?" He said touching my face and I jumped back.

"No I got hit with a door as I was walking past. That will teach me to stand too close to the walls." I said with a laugh but I could tell he didn't believe me.

"Want to have a drink?" He said.

"It's probably not a good idea. Someone might see us." I said looking around at the pitch-black night.

"No one would be stupid enough to come out here in the middle of the night. And besides it's just one drink." He said with a smug smile. But both of us knew where one drink led to.

"Susanna. Wake up." His voice startled me awake and I shot up. I realized I naked and searched around for any piece of clothing. My head was heavy and the light only made it worse. But it was early morning light. Early morning meant I had slept in the hayloft the whole night.

"Oh fuck me." I said scrambling to get redressed.

"I did that…twice." Tad said pulling on his own pants. I pushed him over into the hay and continued throwing myself together.

"Someone's going to see me."

"Just say you got really drunk and fell asleep next to Lea." I looked down at my white horse and she plus Lucan looked up at me with a disapproving look.

"No one will believe that." I said.

"It all depends if you leave these cute strands of hay in your hair." He said pulling them out of my hair.

"Stop it." I said as he smiled down at me.

"Stop what?"

"Stop…saying that. We never exchanged compliments before. It was just casual sex. Stop it." He smirked and then kissed me. A mind blowing kiss, not a casual sex kiss.

"Things changed when you became the mother of my child." I shook my head and pushed away. I started climbing down the ladder and didn't even look up.

"Things can't change or we'll be dead. No feelings. Just sex. That's what we agreed on." I looked up at his smile and sighed. "No feelings."

"Just sex." He answered. And I opened the door. "See you tonight?" He said.

"Shut up." I hissed and then smiled. Lucan raced after me into the snow causing many of the early risers to catch me walking out of the barn. I smiled and shook my head. "Too much wine." I said and when they smiled I knew I was going to be ok. Queens didn't admit to getting drunk. But maybe if they saw me as more than just a Queen I would be ok. I was a person, just a normal girl who became a mother and a Queen too quickly. I was a person and I was going to be a person again, whether my husband liked it or not.


	37. Anthony

The day I found out I was pregnant was a Wednesday. Every Wednesday it was my duty to join the king in the Throne room and hear petitions. This, according to Adam's royal advisors, was to show unity in our marriage.

I had not spoken to Adam since he had struck me. I had eaten meals by myself and stayed as far away from the north wing as possible. He had been just as stubborn. One day I was out walking with Lucan down the garden path. When he saw me heading in his direction. He turned around and walked back the way he had come from. I was not going to apologize for loving my children and he was not going to apologize for putting me in my place.

On this particular Wednesday morning Lady Regan had the girls dress me in a light blue gown with silver trimmings. It was the beginning of March and a spring snowfall had just fallen outside. Many on my ladies groaned when they awoke to a fresh blanket of snow but Regan knew that snow was my favoruite. So she chose this dress in honor. She dressed my curly hair with a silver hair net and placed a small tiara on my head. With the new crystal tear drop earrings and matching necklace I was ready to go.

My youngest lady-in-waiting, Sophie, was tying my dress and her olive skin went pink as she pulled tightly around my chest. As the ropes tightened my breast ached but I held my breath and my tongue. Regan became aware of the situation and tapped Sophie on the shoulder, dismissing her. As she pulled tighter and tighter she narrowed her eyes at me.

"Again?" She asked and I nodded. Her eyebrows narrowed slightly but then she smiled and loosened the dress around my chest. She held my shoulders and kissed my cheeks. "What wonderful news."

"What is wonderful news?" Claire, the nosiest lady asked. When she caught Regan's eye she blushed and bowed her head. "Apologies Your Grace."

"I am expecting again." I said and the girls all looked to one another and smiled brightly. A new baby to them meant something to play with. A new baby to me meant fear and aching backs. I looked forward to looking into the face of my child but with the way I felt towards my husband I was hesitant.

"Does the king know?" Claire asked again and I shook my head.

"No one but you knows." I looked at all my ladies and made sure that they knew to keep the secret. They smiled and bowed. Then they followed me out into the hallway, forming two straight lines behind me.

I smiled as people curtsied and bowed a greeting but all I could think of was the baby inside and how I was going to tell Adam.

"It has been months since the king was last in your bed." Regan whispered furiously to me. I allowed her to walk the closest to me in case she needed to whisper helpful hints in my ear. When she said this I felt bile rise in my throat.

"It has been months since I have had my monthly bleed." I whispered back through a smile.

As we entered the grand entrance Tad came strolling through the doors laughing with another man and throwing pieces of meat at Lucan who ate happily. I smiled slightly and acted as if I didn't notice him.

"I thought he was leaving." She whispered again.

"He seems to be smitten with Lady Elizabeth." I said turning to my prettiest lady. She was small and blonde with purple eyes and a white smile. She looked at Tad as if he were a god and he looked at her like she was a plaything. As we passed he bowed to me and I walked right passed without another glance. I did look back to see Lady Elizabeth say a quick hello.

"What are you to do if the child is his?" Regan said catching me off guard and I froze.

"How dare you accuse me of such things." I hissed.

"Your Majesty, people are watching." Lady Helen whispered in my ear. She was my smartest lady. With her red hair always pulled back tightly and her sharp green eyes, nothing could get passed her. I looked around and realized she was right.

"We shall discuss this further, in private." I hissed at Regan and though she followed the rules and curtsied she was scowling. I took a deep breath, fixed my skirts and nodded to the guards to open the throne room doors. My husband stood beside the window, deep in conversation with Paul and his wife Margaret. She stood holding her three-year-old son's hand. He was the spitting image of his father with blue eyes and blonde hair. But his eyes were kind like hers and his smile was genuine.

"Margaret. It's so good of you to come." I said kissing her cheeks and smiling at her.

"I was surprised at your invitation to join my husband at court." She said smiling and looking hesitantly up at Paul.

"Well I need more hands with this orphanage and to be completely honest I am getting quite sick of all the giggling." I said looking back at the girls standing in their proper spots against the wall. "I could use some more _mature _help." Margaret beamed at me and curtsied.

"I would be honoured."

"You're choosing your own ladies now?" Paul snapped looking from me to Adam. Adam blushed furiously but I simply laughed.

"Well cousin you are doing a horrible job of it. But I shall not hold it against you." I said placing a hand gently on his arm. "And I thought maybe you might want to be closer to your wife and child." He narrowed his eyes as I smiled smugly at him. I had caught him two weeks ago with Lady Joan, my quickest lady. She had men call on her regularly so for her safety I always had her followed. This particular time I was bored so I decided to follow her myself and ran into the two of them on the staircase believe it or not. I was appalled and embarrassed. I went back to my room and immediately wrote to Margaret. "Besides I'd like to get to know my cousins more." I said bending down to the child and smiling at him. "I'll have one of my ladies to take him to the nursery." It turned and signaled to Joan.

"No!" Paul snapped and startled everyone in the room.

"Darling, what's the matter?"

"He's… He's fine here." Paul said as he reached down and picked up his son. Margret stared at him like he had three heads.

"If you insist cousin." Joan fell back into place as I took my seat at Adam's right. When he sat beside me he turned to me as if he was going to say something but I continued to stare at the closed doors. Before he could speak the doors opened and the petitioners started.

An hour later I was falling asleep as yet the third pair of men complained that their lord wasn't paying them enough to support their families.

"Who is your Lord?" Adam asked, his voice dry and bored.

"Lord Kenneth of-"

"Devon yes." Adam sighed and rubbed his face. "You should have joined the last two groups who made the same petitions. I shall talk to Lord Kenneth about this matter. Next." The men frowned as they bowed and backed out of the room. "This feels as if it will never end." He groaned and I nodded in agreement. He turned and smiled at me, but something made me stop my smile. He frowned and turned to the woman standing in the room.

She was an older woman in old tattered clothing carrying a small bundle to her chest. Her hair was dark and graying and her brown eyes were weak and tired.

"Well?" Adam asked with impatience and the woman jumped with surprise.

"Your Majesties. I-I-I-"

"Out with it woman. I have a kingdom to run." He snapped.

"She's nervous husband." I said touching his arm getting the point across without embarrassing him. "What is it that you wish to ask for?"

"It's my child, Your Majesty." She said turning to me.

"Your child?" Adam sniggered. "Your too old to have children." I gaped at my husband as the men in the room started laughing.

"I am an old woman to be bearing children and many children I have bared. But none have lived and this is my last chance." She said holding her baby closer. "But alas he is very sick and I have no coin to pay the doctor."

"Go borrow money."

"I have borrowed all the money I could for my other children, God bless their souls."

"Well you should have been more smarter about it. That's the problem with all these peasants. They have no brains." He said and again the men laughed.

"How many children have you birthed?" She looked at me with tears in her eyes.

"10, Your Majesty."

"Ten? My God." I said clutching my own pregnant stomach.

"He is my last chance and he is only two months old. Please help us." She stared at me and I felt my heart break. I knew the loss of one child but to lose ten.

"You shall get no money from us." Adam said. "Next." He snapped and two guards helped the sobbing woman up and out of the room.

"That was cruel and inhumane."

"You think I should help every sad case I hear?" He stared at me with sadness in his eyes. "You need to learn to harden your hearts or we will end up penniless and overrun."

"I maybe more sensitive to people of their status but at least I give equal amounts of respect to every human being I meet." I said standing and marching past the petitioners. I heard my ladies rushing after me and Regan calling my name but I chose to ignore her.

I found the old lady just outside of the palace doors sobbing as she studied her baby's face. I called to the guard and ordered his coat from him. I wrapped it around the woman's shoulders and smiled.

"Bring your babe to the orphanage down the road and I'll see that he's cared for."

"I can not give up my only child." She said scared and shocked.

"I'm not asking you to. I'm asking you to save his life. Go now and I'll send my doctor there to treat him."

"Thank you your majesty! Thank you!" She said clutching my hand tightly and kissing it repeatedly. I smiled and touched her matted hair before sending her on her way.

"Have you lost all thought?" Regan hissed at me as I strode back through the gates.

"Joan fetch the doctor."

"Which doctor Your Majesty?"

"The best one. But not the one who kills the unborn babes in your belly." I snapped and instantly regretted it. She blushed furiously and raced passed me into the castle. I sighed and turned to Helen. "Go with her and make sure she gets a good doctor."

"Yes your Majesty." She said with a curtsy and then went off after Joan.

"You have lost all thought."

"No I haven't. I am trying to fix the mistakes of my husband."

"Mistakes? Your husband was right! Do you know how many women will be here every Wednesday to make the same petition? The town is full of women with dying children."

"So what would you have done? Let him die? Let her die of a broken heart? That is two lives I do not want on my conscience." We bickered through the great entrance and I didn't care who heard us.

"And what will you do next Wednesday when there are 10 women lined up?" Regan shouted as she stood in my way.

"I will do the exact same thing?"

"You're going to pay, out of your own pocket to care for these children?"

"If I have to I will."

"This baby has made you crazy."

"Perhaps but this baby will have a mother who loves it and loves other children just as much. Now move out of my way so I can see my son." I said pushing past Regan and dismissing my ladies in the process.

I sat in the nursery for hours. I played and fed both children and dismissed the maids for their dinner. I bathed them and watched them splash each other happily before dressing them in their nightgowns and laying them on the day bed. As usual I lay between them and sang them a lullaby as I watched Albert fall asleep first and Addie study my face as if she might never see me again.

Just as they had fallen asleep the door opened and Adam appeared. He quietly shut the door behind him and watched the three of us. He sat on the edge of the daybed and rubbed Albert's feet. We sat in silence for almost half an hour before he spoke.

"You're with child again?" He asked without looking at me. I studied his face and sighed. "Why didn't you tell me?"  
"We weren't talking to each other."

"I still should have been told before all my servants were told."

"I told no one but my ladies."

"Yes so I heard, along with the rest of the palace." He smiled. "You always get so strung up when you're with child."

"I get strung up because people would rather ignore a situation than address it." I said lifting Addie off the bed and tucking her into her crib. Adam copied me with Albert and I kissed each baby's head before leaving the room.

"Susanna wait!" Adam called as he closed the door to the nursery. I stopped walking but did not look at him. "Can we not make things right?" He asked appearing in front of us. "Can we not mend our differences for the sake of our son," he looked towards the nursery door. "And our new son." He said touching my stomach. My heart felt as if it were a brick in my chest. "I need you." He said touching my face.

"And I you." I said with a slight smile. As his lips met mine a new feeling took over my body. It was a feeling of repulsion and discomfort. It was as if a stranger was kissing me. When he pulled away he smiled and I knew he didn't have the same feelings.

"May I visit your chambers later?" he asked playing with my hair.

"Your Grace, I do wish for it," I lied. "But for the sake of our unborn child I think it best if you did not." He studied me as if I were telling a joke and then he dropped his hands.

"You are turning me away? After two months of… celibacy?" I stared at him shocked. I had assumed he had taken a mistress.

"Celibacy? You?" I raised my eyebrows at him.

"I told you I would not hurt you again."

"That must've been before you struck me." I snapped and then wished I hadn't. He looked at me as if I had just struck him.

"So we aren't going to put this behind us?" he laughed sarcastically. "Typical Susanna. It's your way or no way." He said and then stormed off. I didn't even want to call him back. For I never had things my way. I changed my entire life for him. It was his turn to change for me.

Three months later the snow was gone and the air was warm. The grass was green and the flowers blooming. My belly had started to swell and the children were running around the yard as fast as their little legs could carry them. I had noticed a lot of new changes to castle. There seemed to be more guards away with the sickness from too much ale and there seemed to be more women and musicians in the palace. I also became aware of all the women seen leaving my husbands bed chamber in the middle of the night.

One night I was sitting at my writing desk writing to Debbie about my idea of a hospital when I started thinking of Adam and the fool he was making of me. One mistress was enough but multiple women was unacceptable. I needed to keep him occupied and under my command. I looked up and started studying all the women in the room. Out of the 7 women three were possible candidates.

Helen was my most trusted lady but she wasn't the prettiest or the youngest. She could argue that age had given her experience but I knew that it was not the case. For she seemed to favour Regan, following her around like a lost puppy. It did not bother me any and Regan seemed to not notice.

Joan was by far the easiest of my ladies. She was not pretty but she was fit and flexible and had certain flirting skills that got her in one position, on her back with her legs in the air. She was trying to fuck her way to royalty. And I feared that she was aiming to take over my position. She was still rumoured to be sneaking around with Paul but Margaret was putting a stop to it. She was constantly watching her and with baby number 2 on the way any heir that Joan produced would have a long list to go through.

This left little Elizabeth. The one who was so smitten with Tad, who still called me to his bedchamber late at night. When I looked at her I felt ashamed. She often talked about the wonderful life marriage and children would bring. But with Tad as her husband she would surely be disappointed. She was a virgin and she was adamant about keeping it but if persuaded the right way… She was the one.

I stood up and stretched my back. Some women looked up from their books or needlepoint but none were too concerned. I walked around the room and stopped at Lady Elizabeth's chair.

"Lady Elizabeth?"

"Yes Your Majesty?" she asked looking up at me.

"Would you care to accompany me for a walk out to the gardens?"

"A walk Your Majesty?" She looked to Lady Regan and Regan studied me curiously.

"I might want to have a discussion about a certain someone's birthday present and you might be the only one who will keep the secret." I said smiling playfully at my other ladies. Some rolled their eyes and some begged to join but Elizabeth took the bait and joined me for a walk.

As we reached the battlements the sun was setting. "I like to come up here to watch the sun set. It's so beautiful." I said leaning against the high stonewall.

"Yes." She said copying me.

"But then again you know everything about beauty." I said studying her face in the light.

"Your Majesty?" She asked uncomfortable.

"You are very beautiful." I said with a smile and she blushed.

"Thank you."

"How old are you?"

"16." She answered studying the ground below.

"And you have never been touched by a man before?" I asked studying her. She blushed a deep red but I knew it was from the thought of it not the actual action.

"No Your Majesty." She whispered.

"Good." I sighed. "You're better off that way." I walked past her and looked down at the grounds. I watched Tad brushing down a horse and laughing with the other riders. "But I hear you are considering Tad to be one of your suitors?"

"I-He-Your Majesty-" She stammered and I smiled.

"It's ok Elizabeth. He is very handsome and you would have handsome children." She smiled brightly and I took her hand. "I only fear that he will hurt you."

"Hurt me?" She frowned and I turned away. I felt so evil but I couldn't stop myself.

"He seems to be the man…the type of man to only want one thing from a woman."

"One thing?" She whispered following me closely.

"Yes. One thing. Do you know what that one thing is?" I asked and her pure innocent face told me no. "Sex." She blushed again and turned away.

"He is not that kind of man. He assured me."

"Yet every time he's with you he kisses you or makes some comment about sex." She stopped walking which let me know that it was true. "He will hurt you because of your inexperience. I know you love him and I'm sure he loves you."

"He does."

"But you need to understand. He is a man who needs to find his match. He needs a woman just as experienced, who can teach him a thing or two. Marrying him in your current state would destroy you and your marriage."

"What shall I do?"

"That brings me to the reason we are here." I turned away and looked down at Tad. "I need my husband to be- taken care of."

"Your Majesty I-"

"I don't trust any of the women he has seen and I don't trust any of my other ladies as much as I trust you. I want you to be happy and I want him to be happy. This way you will learn and he will be occupied until my son is born."

"And if I am to be with child? Tad shall not love me then? He tells me constantly that the idea of me being a virgin makes him-"

"Do not worry dear Elizabeth. A baby can be taken care of and as for your virginity…well that can be sorted." She looked down at Tad and then back at me.

"You are sure this will work?"

"Absolutely." I said and with that the deal was struck.

The next night I set it up perfectly. Adam had been drinking in the great hall with his men and women had been parading around the room all night, but they were all women he had before. I dressed Elizabeth in a rich red dress and dressed her hair in loose curls before pushing her into the room. I gave her tips on flirting and she mastered it perfectly. She flirted with everyone but the king and when he approached her she denied him. As he got drunk he became more persistent. She looked at me hiding in the shadows and I nodded to her. It was disgusting to hear the same words used on her that were once used on me. She excused herself and we hurried up to his chamber. I dismissed the servants, letting them think it was I waiting for him and I told Elizabeth what to do. I sat her by the window and I unlaced her dress enough that it would be easy to take off. Then I went back to my chambers and pretended like nothing was amiss. When Elizabeth entered the parlor in the early morning, with tousled hair and her dress half on, and a stupid smile on her face I knew I had accomplished it.

'Well?" I asked and she jumped.

"It…he…I."

"Did he enjoy it?" She made no sound. "Speak up girl."

"I believe so."

"When will you see him again?"

"He…His Majesty never said." I groaned and stood up.  
"You must try harder to keep his attention. Flirt with him more and deny him more. Pretend like you feel guilty for betraying your Queen."

"But Your Majesty said-"

"I give you permission to warm my husband's bed but to enjoy it I did not permit. Don't start filling your head with ideas of romance or it will be the end of you."

Without another word I went into my room and shut the door. I climbed into my bed, closed my eyes and cried the rest of the night away.

In my last month of pregnancy I could barely walk. It was hot and humid and I was swollen and grumpy. I walked around in a nightgown all day and sent my ladies on food errands constantly.

Elizabeth, from the gossip around the castle had become Adam's mistress. He had given her gifts of jewelry and perfumes. He dined with her regularly and she often left right after prayers. He barely spoke to me anymore but to occasionally ask how I was feeling.

On this particular day I woke in the middle of the night, hot and aching. I was craving water and seeing as everyone was sleeping I decided to go for a swim in the river. I threw on my night coat and silently left the room.

It took me a lot longer than expected to get to the lake and halfway there I almost turned back. But the sound of the water called me further and further and when it touched my bare feet I sighed. I took off my coat and walked into the water. I felt goose bumps rise as my hot body cooled. I got up to swollen belly and knelt in the water, dipping my head back briefly.

"This has a familiar feel to it." Tad's voice came from the shore. I jumped and clutched my chest.

"You gave me a fright." I said with a sigh.

"I'm sorry Your Majesty." He smirked.

"You would've been if I had gone into labour."

"From the shock? You wish." He laughed again and sat down on the grass.

"I do actually. This baby has been the heaviest of them all." I said as I climbed out of the water and lay beside him in the grass. My stomach stuck up like a ball and the baby's movements were clearly visible.

"Does it hurt?" He asked as I winced with a kick.

"Only when he kicks me in the ribs." I said and Tad reached his hand out and touched my stomach. The baby kicked right where his hand was and he smiled at me.

"Amazing." He said and kept feeling my stomach. He went quiet and a thought passed over his face.

"What is it?"

"Do you think- never mind." He dropped his hand and looked away.

"What?" I asked sitting up, well struggling to sit up.

"Do you think, this child… is _mine_?" he whispered and looked around to see if anyone was watching.

"It's possible." I sighed thinking the same thought. He studied my face and then grinned. He bent down and kissed my stomach. "Don't let any romantic ideas fill your head. I am married."

"To the King I know." He smiled again and then kissed me. "I just never thought I would have one child, let alone two."

"Well if you married Elizabeth you'd have plenty."

"Elizabeth?"

"My lady in waiting. She's already seen the doctor, twice." His face darkened for a second and he shook his head.

"She is the King's mistress. Any man who pursued her would be a fool." He looked out onto the water.

"Plus you've already had her." He turned back to me and smiled. "You're a cheeky bugger. I don't know why I let you stay in my company." I laughed and shook my head.

"It could be my sense of humour, my charm or my large-" He said looming over me.

"Alright thank you." I laughed and he kissed me again. " I just… I'm worried that I made a mistake in letting her be his mistress."

"Worried how?"

"She's young and beautiful. And things aren't exactly wonderful with Adam and I. What if she tries to over run me?" I rubbed my belly gently and was worried.

"I wont let that happen." He said, tucking a wet strand of hair behind my ear.

"You can't promise me that."

"I can and I will. You want her gone?" I thought about this for a moment and then nodded.

"Then so shall it be." He said kissed my forehead and helped me up.

"What are you going to do? Marry her?"

"You'll see. You'll see." He said with a smile I had never seen before. And as we walked up to the castle I got a chill down my spine.

I went into labour two days later. Elizabeth was still prancing around my rooms wearing her latest gift, a feather hat. I made me want to throw up. I was sitting at my writing desk answering a letter to Maria when I felt the first pain. Elizabeth and Joan were sitting in the corner giggling and watching me with maliciousness. I remember thinking that I'd like to hit their heads together. When I felt the first pain I inhaled deeply and everyone went quiet.

"Your Majesty?" Helen asked, rushing to my side.

"Find Regan and get the midwife." I said as a wet liquid poured from between my legs.

"The baby's coming!" Sophie cried and all the girls smiled.

"This is not a laughing matter you fools." Helen snapped. She started ordering each one to do something and as I was being helped into my bed I watched Elizabeth approach her.

"You have not given me anything to do." She said with a certain cheek.

"That's because we don't need you." Helen said without even glancing at her.

"I could hold the babe when it's born." She smiled as she imagined a babe in her arms.

"If you think your filthy hands will touch the little Prince you can think again." She scowled at her. "Go do what your good at and comfort the King." She said turning away from Elizabeth and leaving her out of all the excitement. As the doors closed Elizabeth's tear filled eyes caught mine and I frowned at her. I had ruined her forever and I was realizing it for the first time.

Two hours of screaming horrible labour and my second son, Anthony Phillip was born. Short blonde hair and dark blue eyes, just like his brother. I smiled as I looked down at my sleeping baby and touched his soft face. Everyone was quiet now and was letting me rest. Marcia was going to bring Albert and Addie later I was assured but I could not sleep until they met.

There was a knock on my door and I smiled with anticipation as it opened. But when there was no sound of two pairs of little feet I frowned. Adam stood in my doorway and sighed.

"How are you?"

"Fine." I said studying Anthony's face.

"Another boy." He said sitting on the edge of my bed. I nodded and handed him the baby. Like Albert he noticed nothing out of sorts. "He's perfect."

"He's a tough one. Practically killed me." I said resting back against the pillows.

"Isn't it worth it? Isn't it worth all the pain and fighting to know that we have another son?"

"You push a baby that large out of your ass and see how much worth you feel it is." I snapped. I wasn't mad at the baby I was just mad. He studied me and sighed.

"How did we get here?" He whispered to the baby and kissed his head before handing him back to me. He didn't even look at me; he just got up and walked to the door.

"Adam." I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the same pain I was feeling. I wanted him to know that I no longer loved him. "I will not be having any more children." I said. He turned and looked at me with a sadness I have never seen. Then he scowled laughed and sarcastically. "We'll see." He said slamming the door behind him, causing the baby to cry and Goosebumps appear over my body.


	38. Like a Good Wife Should

"**Mother! Mother! Father said that we can ride our horses all the way there!" Addie screamed excitedly from the saddle of her white stallion. **

** "What a wonderful idea, but it's awfully cold and I'd hate to see you miss out on the festival because you're sick." I said sweetly. The children all exchanged looks and sighed. **

** "I'm not worried about getting sick mother." Said Albert my 14 year old. He was tall and strong. His hair was short and his eyes were bold and daring. He had been the most courageous and the most stupid of my children. He broke his arm multiple times climbing trees and buildings. He was forever worrying me. So his statement didn't surprise me. **

** "But Al, I don't want to get sick. And you asked me to finish telling you that story." Addie said climbing off her horse. Addie was the sensible one. At 14 she was small and petit with long curly red hair and dark brown eyes that sparkled with happiness. Adam had made it clear that he wanted her to know that she was not of royal blood. But it never changed anything. Addie was always one of my children and she loved the boys just as much as they loved her. She was Albert's other half. She could calm him in any rage and make him laugh when in his saddest moods. The bond they shared was like no other. **

** Albert sighed and shook his head. "Fine." He grumbled. "But how is it going to look when the future king rides into town in his mother's carriage?" He snorted and I smirked. **

** "Don't worry darling. You can ride in your own carriage." I said and he beamed up at me. "I was going to wait for your birthday but..." He yipped and jumped in the air. "Come on Addie, Anthony!" He called to his siblings. **

** Anthony hadn't even gotten on his horse. He was my smart one and at 12 he knew me better than anyone. He was tall like his brother with the same blue eyes but his eyes were kinder, gentler like his father. He never caused me any worry but he caused Adam a great deal. For Anthony had no ambition to train for the games like Albert did. He would rather brush down a horse before ride one. He was always reading and seemed to take quite the interest in the stars. He grabbed my hand as he raced after his brother. I felt a tug on my dress and looked down. **

** "May I go too Momma?" he said looking up at me with pale green eyes and red curly hair. I touched his cheek and bent down to his level. **

** "Arthur you know you are my most precious." I said and he frowned. He had heard this line before. "You came to me at a time when I never thought it would have been possible." I said and thought back 6 years ago.**

"Mother! MOTHER!" Addie screamed as she raced through the vacation house.

"What?" I said appearing in the doorway of the kitchen.

"It's Al. He's broken his arm again."

"For Christ's sake! God give me patience." I said as I grumbled out of the house. "What did he do this time?"

"He tried jumping from a tree into the pond." She said and when I looked at her she just shrugged.

"Why does he always have to be such an idiot?" I said and her little face smiled before she raced off to get the doctor.

I heard Albert before I could see him. His little 8 year old sobs were louder than any babe's cry. He was laying on the bank clutching his arm tightly to his chest and a man was leaning over top of him.

"Oh Albert what am I going to do with you?" I asked and gently tapped the man away. When he stood up I blinked. "Tad?"

He smiled at me with that same mischevious smile and it had been like no time had passed. The only difference was he had grown a mustache and had little wrinkles at his eyes.

"Your Majesty." He said kissing my hand.

"It's been a long time." I said thinking back to the last time I saw him. Adam had started a 6 year long war with the Spanish and Tad had gone off to fight, along with three quarters of the men in England, my husband included. When the threat of Spanish invasion reached the castle I packed the children up and went to safest place I knew, the vacation house.

"A very long time." He said smiling at me. "I can't believe how much they have grown." He said looking down at Albert and over at Anthony who sat beside his brother with worried expression.

"Oh Anthony don't worry darling. He'll be fine." I said touching his face. "Now let me see." I said touching Albert's good arm. He winced and turned away. "Albert I can't fix it if you don't let me see."

"I want the doctor. Get the doctor." He ordered. I sat back shocked and stared at my son. He had never spoken to me this way before. Luckily the doctor appeared or I would've struck him for such cheek.

The doctor fussed only a little and then asked Tad to carry him up to his bed. I followed as the dutiful mother behind my son and left my other children at the lake. Marcia appeared in the doorway of the kitchen and sighed.

"What has he done now?" She asked. With the shortage of men the women had to do more work to help out with their families. This left us with a shortage in staff and since we moved to the vacation house last year Marcia had become the cook.

"Who knows." I said with a sigh.

"I dared him. It's all my fault." Anthony said with tears in his eyes. "I've killed my brother." I stopped and laughed.

"What?"

"I've killed him." His sad little face broke my heart.

"He sounds alright to me." Marcia said as Albert's cries faded with his distance.

"I killed him. He said so." Anthony sobbed. I shook my head and pulled him close, holding him tightly. I waited till he stopped sobbing so much and then kissed his head.

"Now would you mind explaining how this happened?"

"Well Al was bragging like usual and he was saying that he bet he could jump from the tree into the water." Anthony wiped his running nose on his white sleeve and I cringed but chose to ignore it. "Then I told him that it was impossible. He was too far away and even if he did make it to the water it wouldn't be deep enough."

"Right." I exchanged proud glances with Marcia and turned back to Anthony.

"Well then he said, Dare me. So I dared him and when he hit the bank, like I said he would, he told me I had killed him and that the devil was coming for me."

"He told you that?" I said shocked at my eldest son. Anthony nodded his head and more tears filled his eyes. "He's going to be fine." I assured him.

"He's always falling out of trees. I bet it was quite funny to see." Marcia said and Anthony smiled. I shook my head but couldn't help the smile that spread on my face.

"Marcia, I heard you were cooking honey buns." Anthony's head shot up and he looked from my face to hers.

"I was."

"Do you think maybe there's one left for Anthony?" He begged her with his little eyes and she smiled.

"There might be. Come on." She said and he hopped up and held her hand tightly as they walked back into the kitchen.

I knocked on Albert's door and noticed that it was quiet. When I went in Tad was standing at the back wall and Addie was sitting dutifully by Albert's side. The doctor wrapped a white cloth around Albert's wrist and Albert laying sleeping in the bed.

"Just a sprain then?" I said touching the doctor's shoulder. He smiled at me and nodded.

"I've given him some sleep wine to calm him." He said passing the roll of cloth to me.

"Thank you." I said passing him a satchel of coin and then continued tending to my sons wound.

"He's a bit over dramatic." Addie admitted with a blush to Tad.

"He's the future king." Tad said with a smile. "He's allowed to be."

"No son of mine is going to act that way." I said my anger growing. "And the way he's been talking to people. I will not stand for it. Future King or not."

"It's because he's been hanging out with the stable boys." Addie confessed.

"The stable boys?" I asked.

"Yes. The older ones. Peter something and Joe."

"Peter Smiter." Tad said. "He likes to tell everyone that their going to hell. His father's a preacher."

"That's him. They've been telling him all sorts of stuff."

"What kind of things?" I said watching her face go red.

"I-Well-"

"Addie?" She looked at me and blushed.

"They've been telling him that he should be more braver and that he can't fight in the war because he's too small. They're always teasing him about his age."

"What else?" I said knowing she was keeping something from me.

"They, well, they have been teaching him about girls."

"Teaching him about girls?" I asked appalled and Tad laughed. "I don't think this is funny!"

"It is a little." He said and Addie smiled.

"They haven't been teaching you anything have they?" I asked narrowing my eyes at her. She jumped and shook her head.

"I'm much too smart to keep them in my company momma." She said sitting straighter and remembering she was a lady. "I always play with Anthony when Albert wants to be around them."

"Good girl. That makes you smarter than this silly child." I sighed and studied my sons face. "Go on. Marcia's making honey buns." I said as I tied the last bit of cloth around Albert's wrist. Addie jumped up and raced out of the room.

"They're quite the group of children." Tad whispered as I kissed Albert's face and we left the room.

"Each one is different I'll give you that." I said with a sigh.

"All of them have qualities of you." He said touching my cheek.

"And he has qualities of you." I said nodding to the closed door. Tad laughed and shook his head.

"I never cried that much as a child."

"Maybe but you were probably just as mischevious and probably wore out your mother's patience just like he did." He laughed and grabbed my hand.

"I've missed you." He said and I smiled but did not return the compliment. When he had left it had been hard adjusting to not having that extra comfort but I did it. I was determined to not have another baby and I would stick to that. So I changed the subject.

"What am I going to do about these stable boys?"

"They're bored. They seem to need more work." Tad said dropping my hand as a maid appeared in the hallway. "I'll see that they keep busy."

"And I guess I'll distract Albert some more. So he wont bother them."

"How about riding lessons?"

"Riding lessons? Aren't they still too young?"

"Anthony maybe but the other two are at the right age. I could teach them every day for an hour or two."

"Anthony will have to be apart of it." I sighed.

"Well I think we have a mare somewhere. What do you say? It allows you to be worry free for an hour each day."

"And what does it give you?"

"Just the opportunity to serve my future king is enough." He said with a bow and I crossed my arms. "Plus I'd like to get to know my children a little better." I jumped and grabbed his arm, pulling him into the empty study and shutting the door.

"You can't say things like that!" I hissed. "If the wrong person were to hear _our _children would be dead."

"You're right. I'm sorry." He said moving closer to me and not showing any sign of remorse.

"What?" I asked as he smiled at me.

"I've just missed you so much." He said placing his hands against the door, pinning me there. "And we make such beautiful children. How about another?" I laughed at his cheek and shook my head.

"It is not likely that I will find my husband in the next month to pretend he is the father. Also it is not likely that I will share his bed ever again."

"So share mine. It is ever so empty." He said kissing my neck.

"I can't."

"But you can. We managed to play this game before without having children." He said his lips tracing my neck and up to my lips.

"Give me a gaurenteed way to prevent children and I'll be yours. But until then…" I kissed him deeply, wrapping my arms around his neck and just soaking in the passion. I broke the kiss and smiled. "We must just be friends." I said ducking under his arm and opening the door.

"You're a horrible tease." He whispered after me and I laughed as I left the room.

As the summer months faded into fall the children became excellent riders. At first it was quite amusing watching them learn and watching Tad try to be patient. But eventually they got the hang of it and were addicted to riding. Albert daydreamed through his lessons and Addie was always coming up with new stories about horses, or Princes and their mighty steeds.

I had dismissed all of my ladies but Regan and Helen. They were the only ones I wanted and needed and since the men in my life were too busy fighting a war I took the opportunity to claim my life back. And with the shortage in staff I wouldn't have been able to pay them anyways. So Regan became the housekeeper and Helen was her assistant.

When Regan saw Tad she warned me and lectured me up and down the walls every day for three weeks. It wasn't until I shouted at her that she stopped. She was getting older, with more wrinkles and grey in her hair. She wouldn't be able to nag me forever, which is precisely what I said. She was hurt and upset for two days before I apologized and since then its been a quiet relationship with barely any conversation.

I should have taken her nagging more seriously.

One night I was sitting at my writing desk writing a letter to Aggie. It was her 16th birthday soon and she was so excited. I suspected there was a boy in her life, which was causing such emotions, but as her aunt I didn't enquire or assume anything. She would tell me when she was ready.

As I sat writing out my response to her letter I heard a tap on the window. I looked out into the blackness of the night and saw nothing, Until rock came up and hit me in the forhead. I cursed and clutched my head, which was now bleeding.

"Oh shit! Susanna I'm sorry." A voice whispered from below.

"Who is it?" I asked, wiping the blood away.

"Its Tad."

"What are you doing? Just come up here!" I said and went to close the window.

"No wait!" He called to me. "I have someone I want you to meet."

"You want me to meet someone? In the middle of the night?"

"It's only just past eight." He said with a laugh and I grumbled.

"Fine. I'll be five minutes." I said and shut the window. I washed the cut on my forehead, not very big but it wouldn't stop bleeding. So I dressed it with some herbs and a tiny bit of cloth and then wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and headed out to meet Tad's stranger. He met be by the kitchen door and kissed my wound lightly.

"I'm sorry." He said and I shook my head yet smiled.

"You've got good aim." I smirked and he laughed as he led me to his hut. I paused at the door and he gave me a confused look. "I've already met _that _person." I said looking at his crotch. It took him a second before he burst out laughing. He shook his head and grabbed my hand.

"Come on." He opened the door and it was dimly lit. I hesitated before entereing for it smelt like mushrooms and spices.

"Susanna this is Mattie." He said turning to the person sitting at the table. She was a woman about my age with curly brown hair and tanned skin. She wore necklaces upon necklaces and every finger had a ring on it. She wore loose robes on her tiny frame and wore a feather in her hair.

"She's a witch! You're introducing me to a witch?" I hissed and turned towards the door.

"Just listen to her." Tad said catching my arms.

"I heard you need a solution to a problem." She said with a foreign tongue.

"What problem?" I said looking from her to Tad.

"Our problem." He said with a smile.

"Oh for heaven's sake. It's not our problem its your problem. I can manage quite fine without-" His hand covered my mouth and he laughed.

"You see she's too wound up."

"I can see." Mattie nodded and studied me. "Have you had children before?" I nodded unable to speak. "How many?"

"Two." Tad answered.

"No three. I lost one." I said remember the little baby I buried. Mattie inhaled and stepped towards me.

"Not lost, just missing." She said touching my stomach.

"Is that not the same thing?" Tad asked looking at me but she hissed at him and closed her eyes as she felt my stomach.

"Do you plan on having more children?"

"Absolutely not." I said.

"Excellent. Because this vile contains a liquid that will kill all chances of you having a baby."

"It will?" I looked at the small brown bottle and felt my heart drop. Did I really want to do this.

"How can you be sure that it works?" Tad asked mistaking the worry on my face. Mattie gave him a look that made us both regret that statement.

"I have been doing this for many years! I know what I am doing!" She hissed. "Now you take this every time seed in spilt inside you. You might be sore after the first couple times and have lots of bleeding but eventually you will not notice."

"It kills all chance." I said taking the vile.

"All chance." She studied my face. "Are you sure you don't want to have more children?" I thought about this for a second. I sighed and nodded my head.

"Yes I'm sure." I said. Tad exchanged words and currency with Mattie while I sat at the table and studied the poison that would take all babies away.

Christmas time appeared faster than anyone could gather. With the war there weren't very many joyful people. A week before Christmas I awoke from a bad dream. Tad sat up from beside me and held me tightly.

"What is it?" He asked stroking my hair.

"It's almost Christmas."

"It is."

"And there are no decorations or presents." I said with tears in my eyes. "What kind of mother am I?"

"Its war times Susanna. No ones worried about decorations or presents."

"I have three little people who will argue something different." I said and Tad smiled.

"Well lets do Christmas the way we had celebrated Christmas as children." He said knowing that I grew up in a poor family like he did. "It might make you feel better." And he was probably right. Since I had started drinking the potion I had a sad feeling in my belly, empty womb syndrome Marcia called it. I didn't regret my decision. I had to protect my family. I just regretted that it had to be this way. Tad's idea inspired me and gave me something to look forward to.

That day I woke the kids early and we went out and started making our own decorations. Painted pine cones, bows, ribbons, stars, anything we could think of. The next day we went out and hung all our decorations on the large tree in the garden. Then we built a snow family on the bank to wave to the invisible sailors as they sailed by. We went riding into the forests and took a trip into town for the winter festival. I bought each child a pair of new mittens and a toy, while Marcia made them each a special treat for Christmas day.

On Christmas Eve I tucked the last child in and as I was about to kiss his head Tad appeared in the doorway. He smiled but he was fidgeting and he looked nervous.

"I need to have a word with you." He said smiling at Anthony.

"What's wrong?" He asked sitting up slightly.

"Nothing. I think I saw Saint Nicholas." Tad smile and I frowned.

"Now he'll never sleep." I grumbled as I smiled at Anthony's bright face and closed the door.

"What is it?" I hissed and he pulled me down the hallway to the east corridor. There he blew out his candle and opened the window. I shuddered at the cold wind and hissed at him. "Are you mad? We'll get a chill."

"Just look!" He said pointing out to water. I could see nothing for the clouds were covering the moon and everything was a dark black. But I could hear creaking on the wind and a shout. I froze as a ship appeared on the river. It was a large ship with tall masts and flags flapping widly in the wind.

"Oh no." I gasped and felt me knees go week.

"I cant see the flags but to be safe I ordered all the lights out and told everyone to come indoors. They've been instructed to make as little sound as possible."

"If we can see them then they can surely see this house." I said tears filling my eyes.

"Yes I thought of that but if all the lights are out then they might just pass on by."

"If all the lights were out then maybe." I said and pointed to the bright window and the burning fire in the kitchen.

"Fuck! I forgot about the kitchen." He said and started off down the hallway. "Watch the boat. If they make any sign to come ashore gather the children and hide in the cellar." I nodded and turned back to the window. I couldn't take my eyes off of the shadow in the water. I watched for 20 minutes before I felt two warm hands on my arms. I jumped and Tad held me tightly. "Anything?"

"Nothing. They seem to just be sitting there."

"Oh for fuck sakes Susanna. They've already come ashore. Look there's the boat." He pointed a little father down the bank and sure enough there was a little boat floating in the water. My heart sank and my mind went blank.

"How long has that been there for?"

"I don't know you were supposed to be watching. Come on we must hide the children. Get everyone to safety."

"But it's Christmas eve."

"That wont stop the Spanish." He said dashing into Albert's room and waking him. I stood outside the door and watched as he gently awoke his son. Then he spotted me and hissed. He touched my face gently and bent his forehead to mine. "I need you to focus." He said. "We have to protect them."

"Protect them. Right."

"Bring them to the cellar and I'll come and get you when it's safe." Just then there was a loud bang and a woman screamed with terror. My brain kicked into action and I flew into Addie's room. I woke all the children raced with Anthony in my arms down the back staircase closest to the kitchen. We had to go through the kitchen to get to the cellar. But to get passed the kitchen we had to cross the open back door. There were men laughing outside and I could hear their drunken curses plain as day. A few stumbled into the house and walked right by us without even noticing. When I thought the it was safe I told Addie and Albert to go together. It took them a second but they raced as fast as they could through the kitchen, never letting go of each other. When the cellar door closed I sighed for a second and then holding tightly to Anthony I dashed across the open door.

"HOLD IT!" Someone said grabbing the back of my dress. My heart dropped and I let go of Anthony. He stared at me with terrified eyes.

"Run baby!" I screamed and he took off into the kitchen.

"Why'd you do that?" The man stuttered. He staggered back and forth as he held onto me. I chose not to answer. "My you're pretty. I've missed you Susie." Susie. SUSIE! And then it hit me.

"YOU IDIOT!" I said punching him in the stomach! "You are a complete and total idiot!" I said hitting him again.

"Ouch Susie. Cut it out." Adam said flinching away from my rage.

"Do you know how terrified we were?" I said panting as I pushed him down into the snow.

"What a man can't come home and see his family for Christmas?" He said hiccupping.

"You couldn't write and tell us first? You had to scare us all to our wits end! It's always has to be a dramatic entrance for the FUCKING KING OF ENGLAND!"

"Now now Susie. Be fair. It's been many years since we've spoken can't we get a long? It is Christmas after all." He smiled up at me through a thick dirty beard and I shook my head.

"Get inside and take a bath. You are not going to see those children till Christmas morn and you better have sobered up by then." I said turning away from him. Tad was standing behind me and I sighed. He didn't dare touch me but I knew he wanted to. "Help him. Get Helen to run a bath and fetch him clean clothes."

"What about the children?" He said.

"I'll settle them." I said and left him to deal with my husband. I closed the kitchen door and knocked the secret knock on the cellar door. I heard whispers from underneath and then the floor opened and three little faces stared at me.

"You started a fire?" I asked looking at the burning candle.

"Anthony's idea, but I did it because he's too little." Albert said.

"It's alright. It's just your father playing a mean Christmas joke."

"Father's here?" Anthony asked excitedly and I smiled as I helped them out of the cellar.

"He is but he's taking a bath and getting some sleep. You can see him in the morning."

"That means he's drunk." Albert said to Addie. Albert remembered what Adam was like when he was drunk. He would barge into the nursery and demand Albert swear his loyalty to his country. By the age of four Albert had the King's vows memorized. He hated his father when he was drunk and it was as clear as day.

"Come now. Let's not spoil Christmas. We'll have some warm milk and get you can sleep in my bed." They stared at me with an open mouths and I smiled. "What I used to sleep with my Momma when I was scared." I said and started heating the milk. If only my momma could see me now.

Christmas day passed with an anxious blurr. The children woke late, due to lack of sleep the during the night. Regan gathered the house guests and we all exchanged presents in the hall where we had decorated a pine tree and hung ribbons around the room for dinner. Marcia and Helen were in the kitchen all day preparing for the feast. Regan was ordering the little number of servants around the house cleaning and getting ready for dinner. It was just before supper when Adam appeared.

The children were all sitting in parlor playing with their new toys. Albert had gotten two soldiers and Addie had gotten a doll. Anthony, since learning how to ride had grown a new fondness for horses, so I got him a horse and rider which he loved.

I was sitting with my knitting watching Tad joke around with some of the workers. He was wearing the green scarf I had knitted him and for the first time I realized that I might actually love him. I was thinking this when there was a knock at the open door.

"FATHER!" Anthony cried and jumped up. He raced into Adam's arms and Adam beamed with delight. Albert raced to his father but Addie hung back. She knew that he was not her father and she knew to wait for him to address her, just like I did.

"How are my boys? Look at you two. You've gotten bigger! How old are you now?" He asked and smiled at the boys as they told him their ages. They had been two years younger when we left.

"And look at you. So beautiful!" He said to Addie, kissing her head. She curtsied and blushed, but never said a word. "And my beautiful wife. I've missed you." He said and reached out to touch my cheek but I turned away.

"We've been quite busy here. They've been having riding lessons and learning to muck stalls."

"What about their spelling and reading?"

"Of course. But they've always done that. Riding is something new." I said looking at him. He nodded and smiled.

"So which one is the best rider? Albert I bet?" Albert smiled and then saw his brother's face and said "Actually Anthony is the better rider. He loves horses."

"Does he?" Anthony beamed. "I learned how to brush them and how to hold tight with your knees. I'll show you Father."

"Silly Father already knows how to ride." Albert hissed and Anthony blushed.

"So what are you good at Albert?" Adam asked clinging to his oldest, begging him to give him something to be proud of. Albert was smarter than he looked and he could read his father very well. He looked at me and then gave him and sly smile and said, "Well father. I'm good at falling out of trees."

Dinner passed by with sullen laughter. The children sat at the far end of the table, at Adam's command and the sailors sat between us. Servants were not permitted at the table, which left me to talk to no one but my husband and he was ignoring me. He drowned himself in ale and wine and sat sullen, disappointed by his children, disappointed by his marriage, disappointed by the way the war was turning out.

The longer the dinner went the louder the sailors got, the more drunk my husband got and the angrier my children became. I stood up and the room fell silent.

"I think it's time for bed children." I said as Albert shot a spoon full of pie at Addie's dress. They looked at me with worried eyes and I raised my eyebrows. "Say goodnight."

"Goodnight father." They all said, bowing to him. He smiled and raised his cup at them. I went to tuck them in and he grabbed my hand.

"Where are you going?" He grumbled.

"To put the children to bed." I smiled at the sailors watching us.

"You are the Queen. You don't tend to children." He snapped.

"We are not at the castle!" I snapped louder and then I became aware of the silence. "Things are run differently here." I pulled my hand away, picked up my skirt and quickly ushered the children out of the room.

When the children were settled, which took me longer than usual; I decided to retire to my room. I sighed as I shut the door and sat on the bed. I didn't see him and I didn't hear him but the room had a sour smell to it that should've told me he was there.

All of a sudden I was sitting on my bed and the next thing I knew I was pinned to the floor and my dress was being ripped off. I couldn't see and I couldn't move, he was like a dead weight on my back. But when he turned me over my tears were of anger not hurt or fear.

"Get off of me." I shouted.

"You are my wife! You will obey me!" He said as he bit my bare nipple hard. I cursed and spit on him. He looked shocked for a second and then he smiled. He wiped away the spit from his cheek and then punched me across the face. The world went fuzzy and the fight left me.

I lay there, beaten and bruised as he entered me, like a good wife should.


	39. King Arthur

**A/N: This story has taken me ages to write and it shouldn't have taken this long to get this far. I'm assuming it's taken so long because it's gotten so much darker and naturally life has gotten busier. This isn't a happy love story and this isn't a story about a girl who makes the best decisions But it's a story that causes you too feel and that is my goal. You're comment's whether positive or negative (within reason) are very much appreciated. **

**I am truly sorry this has taken so long and its not even the end yet. I want to say that I'll update soon but if you've read this from the beginning we all know that is probably not going to happen haha. I hope you still enjoy it... to the extent that you can enjoy a story like this.**

**-P**

P.S I still don't edit. aha Some people just don't change. :D 

* * *

I awoke the next morning naked and laying in my bed. I don't remember anything after Adam rolled off of me the second time. I do remember the sound of sobbing and the feeling of tears but I wasn't the one that was crying. It was him. My head was pounding and my body ached with every breath. I couldn't sit up without wincing and my hands were shaky.

There was knock on the door and I pulled the covers over my face. "I'm changing." I said and then the door opened anyways.

"That's never stopped me before." He said and I felt tears spring into my eyes. "Susanna?" I felt the bed sink as he sat down and felt him pull lightly on the covers. "Susanna what's wrong?" I let him pull the covers down and watched his face go from worry to fury.

"Who did this?" Tad said as he touched my cheek.

"It's nothing." I turned away and pulled the covers over my head.

"I'll kill him."

"Don't be stupid." I snapped and there was silence.

"He wont get away with this." Tad said and he got off the bed.

"He'll get away with it because he's the King and my husband." I said sitting up. "You're being foolish."

"Foolish? I'm being foolish? Because I care about you?"

"Yes! This was supposed to be fun. And now look. I have two bastard children, an affair with a horse tamer and a husband who rapes me." I laid back down and stared at the wall. "This is not the life I wanted." Tad was silent and I knew that it was cruel to say but I couldn't stop myself.

"You're right. I was foolish." He said and walked out. If I had known I would've never said those mean things to him. But that night Tad, in a drunken rage, started a fight in the local tavern and was killed, knife through the heart.

"Momma, please get out of bed." Addie whined. It had been a month since Christmas and getting out of bed was the last thing I wanted to do. I watched the days pass by and listened to the people closest to me whine at me to pull myself together and to get up.

"I'm tired Addie." I said and rolled over. I heard her nose sniff and I knew she was crying, but I couldn't bring myself to comfort her. I felt the bed move and heard the door open. I reached down and threw up into the bucket beside my bed.

"Well this is a pitiful sight." Regan's voice was cool and disgusted.

"Oh go away." I snapped.

"I will not. I have watched you throw you life away for far too long. Happy or not you are a mother and you have a responsibility to those children."

"I don't care." I groaned and pulled the blankets over my face. Two seconds later they were yanked down and I was lying completely exposed to the cool February air.

"Get up Susanna. Enough of this. You are not the only woman who has been raped and beaten by their husband." She yelled. I blinked at her and noticed the pain in her face. I shook my head and felt tears in my eyes. I started to sob and curled into a ball.

I felt her cool hands on my warm skin and she pulled me into her arms. "Shhh. I know it's hard and I know it hurts but you must be strong. You are strong. Don't let this defeat you."

"I'm pregnant." I said and the room went eerily silent. Regan sat frozen.

"I thought you were taking that potion." She said holding me back so she could look at my face. I stared at her shocked and she raised her eyebrows. "I know more than you think I do."

"I was, but I didn't think about taking it until last week when my monthly bleed didn't come." She took a deep breath and sighed. She looked out the window at the frozen ground and shook her head.

"Well then… This means you must get up." She said and opened the windows. I shivered at the cold air and reached for the blankets. "Susanna!" She hissed and pulled them completely off the bed.

"I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to be the queen. I want my mother and my father and I want to go home!" I whined like a child, a 30-year-old child.

"Oh Lord help me." She sighed with frustration. "Susanna, this child will be different from the others. This child is your only child entitled to the throne. You must get up because now your children need more protecting then they ever have. Without you, who do they have to protect them?" She said and I felt my heart sink. I envisioned my children hanging, one by one, blue faces, necks broken, tongues out. I started sobbing and felt her hug me again. "I'll get Helen to run you a bath and then you'll see that you feel much better. Tomorrow we'll go home." She said and I sobbed some more as I realized I was headed back to the place I hated the most.

The trumpets rang as we entered the palace gates. People had lined the streets of the city as we rode through and my children did their duty in waving and passing out blessings to the peasants. I waved slightly and nodded to the people but I was dreading my return. Regan had dressed us all in royal blue with silver trimmings, perfect for the winter and for our homecoming. Except for Addie, she wore pink.

As we rode through the gates, the servants lined the steps and everyone looked happy to see us. To my surprise my husband stood at the bottom of the steps, clean-shaven and dressed in gold.

"Father!" Anthony yelled happily as the carriage came to a stop. He gave him a hard look and I touched Anthony's leg.

"Remember you are the prince. Princes' don't yell at the King." I smiled and he blushed. "It's ok to be excited but just contain it a little." I laughed and Addie smiled. Albert scowled.

"Why are we back here? It's so boring here." He had been furious when his riding lessons ended and he had been even more miserable when I told him we were coming home.

"We've been away for too long dear. Don't you want to see you father again? Have your old room and your toys back?" I touched his leg and he turned away from me.

"No." He said and went silent. I sighed and shook my head but remained smiling.

As we filed out of the carriage the boys lined up in front of Adam and he beamed proudly. Addie stood behind us with Regan and Marcia. We bowed to the King and he returned the courtesy before grabbing my hands and kissing both my cheeks.

"Welcome home." He said and I smiled but he could tell I was not happy. "Come we've prepared a celebration for you." He said offering me his arm and smiling at the children. They exchanged looks and followed behind us. I smiled at the servants as they greeted me.

"Why have you returned?" He asked through a false smile.

"This is our home." I said returning the smile.

"You hate it here." He said leading me up the grand staircase. He turned to a group of handmaids and instructed them to change the children into their new clothes. They ushered the sullen children away and he led me into the parlor of my room. I sighed as I looked around. The furniture had been changed. There was more golden items added to the room and it seemed to be brighter. I hated it. He let go of me to close the door and I realized we were alone.

I stood at the window and studied the dirty faces that lined the gates. "So many people." I said still shocked at the reaction of the people. If they knew I was a fake would they still cheer when I rode by? Would they still pray for me wellbeing?

"They love you. And have missed you. As have I. Susanna I know our marriage hasn't been easy. I know that we both did and said things that we can't forget but I-"

"I'm pregnant," I said interrupting him. It was like he stopped breathing, the only sound coming from the crackling fireplace.

"I see." He said finally and I heard him pour a glass of wine. I couldn't bring myself to look at him and he made no move to touch me. "What do you propose we do?" He finally asked. I thought about this for a second and felt the rage boil inside my chest. I turned and scowled at him.

"What do I propose we do? It's our child! We do what we've always done. Raise it to love its country and respect its parents! We love it just like we love the others. This child is no different from the others. " I lied. He swirled his cup and studied the contents.

"That's where you're wrong." He said. He drank the remainder of his cup and placed it back in its place without looking at me. "I wanted the others." He said letting his words register. My hands instinctively covered my stomach. And to sink the knife deeper into my heart he added, "I love the others." And with that he left the room.

The months passed by slowly, each day was filled with grumpy children and boring dinner parties. Adam made himself scarce and the children became more aware of the fact that they were being ignored.

It was the middle of July when my life began to crumble. I was sitting in the garden with my children watching them splash in the fountain. They laughed merrily which made me smile. It was the first time I had seen them so happy in months. They weren't even enjoying their riding lessons. The city was getting to them, for they were country folk like I was and being confined in gates and posh clothing was suffocating them.

As I sat fanning myself and listening to Regan hum Alexander approached. He had a dark black mustache and he walked with a limp. He had been badly injured in the war. The doctors had said he wasn't going to make it. The last time I spoke with him he was on his deathbed. He smiled brightly at me as I stood up and hugged him tightly.

"My dear Susanna." He said into my hair.

"Alexander, darling! How I have missed you." I said and kissed both cheeks.

"How are you?" He said touching my swollen belly."

"Going to cut this child out myself I think." I laughed and groaned at the same time.

"Pregnancy suits you." He pinched my cheek. "Will this babe be another blonde haired, blue eyed beauty?" He winked at me and I looked at my children. I smiled and shook my head quickly before turning back to him. "People are going to talk." He said mischievously.

"Let them talk. I'm past the point of caring." I sighed and sat back down.

"Well as the King's new servant, or second in command as he calls it," Alexander rolled his eyes. "I have come to fetch you. The king has asked for you and Miss Addison to go to the meeting room."

"The meeting room?" I said remembering the one and only time I was ever in there. The time I had saved Adam from Paul and that blonde girl whose name was long gone from memory. "What is this about?"

"I am not certain but he was very stern about it. He said it's of the utmost importance." Alexander said and then offered me his arm. I turned and looked at Addie who was watching me curiously. She must've overheard her name.

"Come darling. His majesty wants to speak to us." She blinked at me and then jumped out of the fountain. Regan quickly patted her down with a soft blanket and then slipped her dress over her. She was not ready to be presented to the King at all but Alexander was persistent and constantly reminding us that it was urgent.

At the meeting room door, Alexander announced us and we slowly entered the cold, stone room with the round table. There was no one in the room except for Adam and Paul. Adam looked exhausted, his face covered by a short red beard. But Paul looked triumphant and proud. His cold eyes radiated evil and both Addie and I shivered at the same time.

"Come and sit." Adam said. Both of us hesitated and jumped when he said "Sit!" in a stern voice.

"What is going on Adam?" I asked looking from Paul's grin to his tired eyes.

"It has come to my knowledge that Addie is almost at the age of ten. And it is a custom for girls at the age of ten to further their-" he paused and studied his hands before continuing. "education."

"She's getting an excellent education." I defended.

"I have the best marks." She added. Adam smiled slightly but then looked at me.

"She is too comfortable." He said and I felt my heart sink. I turned to Addie and she blushed. Her curly red hair was starting to dry and was sticking up all over the place. "She is not of royal blood. She does not belong eating meals and receiving the same education as the royal family does."

"You can not be serious." I said feeling anger in my chest and my face turning red.

"The Duke of Cornwall has agreed to take Addison on as his ward."

"No." I said shaking my head and felt Addie grab the skirts of my dress tightly.

"He will give her the best education and lodging a girl of her… lineage could hope for." Paul's grin took up his entire face. He was happy to see me suffer but there was an ulterior motive to his smile.

"Absolutely not." I snapped and Adam hit the table.

"This is not up for discussion. Alexander will escort her to the nursery where she will pack up her clothes and she will leave this evening."

"What do I tell her brothers?"

"They are not her brothers!" He snapped and Addie sniffed beside me. I couldn't bring myself to look at her; my heart was breaking just as much.

"The bond they share is deeper than blood."

"None the less she is not royalty and therefore is no longer welcome." He sighed and nodded at Alexander. Addie gave a small yelp when Alexander touched her arm gently. I smiled slightly at her, tears in my eyes and nodded to her.

"Go on. I'll be with you in a moment." She blinked through crying eyes and turned and left. I took a deep breath once the door was closed, pushed back the tears and attacked. "How could you!" I yelled. "You know very well that she is your blood. You know it and I know it. She could've died years ago if it weren't for me."

"If it weren't for you I wouldn't be looking at the mistakes I made years ago."

"I learned to love those mistakes. So should you." I snapped and felt the baby turn. His gaze flicked to my stomach and he glared at me.

"She isn't my first nor my only bastard Susanna." He said attempting to hurt me and years ago they would've. But I lost track at the amount of bastards he now had (I think around seven) and chose to close my ears to the rumours that ran around the castle. Except for the one about the burning sensation he got when he urinated. That one I enjoyed hearing about.

"You can't do this to me. The boys love her. They will be heart broken."

"She's a girl. They'll get over her as soon as a new one appears." Adam said shuffling papers in front of him. I sat speechless. I watched my husband avoid my gaze by pretending to read the paper in front of him. I looked over at Paul and he was beaming.

"What's in it for you?" I said realizing there was a catch to this plan.

"For me? Nothing." He said nonchalantly and then smirked.

"The girl after some training the girl will be sent to the Cornwall castle to wait on the Duke and his family. Once she has come of age we will discuss marrying her to my nephew."

"Marrying your bastard to my nephew? Doesn't he deserve someone more…pure?"

"She is pure!" I shouted but they didn't hear me. Adam smiled and shook his head.

"My bastard isn't good enough for you."

"Good enough for me? Yes. To marry my son? No." Paul smiled and I felt the world start to spin. My baby. He was going to use my baby for his own personal gain.

"You sick, evil man. I'll kill you if you lay one finger on her." I shouted standing up. Both men looked at me shocked. Paul was amused whereas Adam was furious.

"Don't mind her. Pregnancy tends to make her hysterical." Adam said with an annoyed sigh.

"I'm not making any jests. You touch that girl and I'll make sure that it's the last thing you do." I felt victorious when the smile on Paul's face dropped but it didn't last long when I felt two hands on my arms.

"You're dismissed Susanna." Adam said and I was pulled from the door.

The boys were in a rage when I told them. Anthony sank to the floor begging me to make Adam change his mind and Albert sat on Addie's bed sobbing while she hugged him tightly.

"I wont be gone forever." She said quietly to him. "I'll be home for the holidays. Plus his majesty said I can have a two week vacation every summer."

"It wont be the same." Albert sobbed. And when Alexander appeared at the door to take Addie to Cornwall Albert punched him in the stomach and Anthony bit his leg. Both boys were grounded to their room and were not allowed to watch the carriage drive off.

Addie didn't cry the whole walk to the carriage. She held my hand tightly and the doll that Regan had given her. Once at the carriage I knelt down, to the best of my ability, in front of her and pushed her red hair back.

"You are and will always be my baby girl. Don't you ever forget that." She nodded and tears appeared in her eyes. I brushed one away and kissed her cheek. "Don't let them see you cry. They wont beat us. We'll be together one day. I promise. I wont let them keep you away from me. Don't cry anymore." I smiled and she nodded. "Promise you'll be brave?"

"I promise Momma." I kissed her cheek and she flung her arms around my neck. I bit back tears and held her close.

"It's time to go." Paul said and reached out to touch Addie. I scowled at him and he recoiled. I helped Addie into the carriage and turned to him. Through gritted teeth I hissed, "I swear to you and your God that you will die a slow and painful death." He studied my angry face, his expression startled and pale but then he coughed and smiled.

"I look forward to seeing you again too." And he climbed in the carriage. Adam stood at the top of the steps and together we were the only ones who watched our daughter trail off into the distance.

After that day nothing was ever the same. The boys and I fell into a deep depression. Albert gave up his studies and Anthony had nightmares. Every night the two of them would sneak into my chambers and crawl into bed with me. We would talk about what Addie was doing and what she was learning and we would write letters to her. Adam and I constantly fought about it but he was not clever enough to come up with a way to stop it and when he did I always outsmarted him.

One morning in September there was a knock on the door while the boys and I laid in my bed feeling the baby move. We looked up as a servant handed me a letter on a tray. "Your Majesty." He bowed and offered it to me. "I was told it's urgent." He said without making eye contact. I took the letter, thanked him and waited for him to walk away before I ripped it open.

It was from Debbie and it was written in messy thick writing, those six words forever stuck in my head.

Come quick. Your father is sick.

I sat up quickly and called for Regan. "I must go." I said and she read the letter and then sighed. I pushed back the blankets and climbed over Anthony.

"He's not going to let you."

"I'm not asking for his permission. This is my father. I cannot sit back and do nothing." I said.

"Momma?" Albert whispered, sensing my distress. I smiled at him and shook my head.

"I'll be right back. I just need to word with your father." I said and disappeared into my changing room, with Regan close behind me. She helped me into a black dress, a colour I was accustomed to wearing these days, and tied my hair back into a golden-flaked hairnet.

"Take care of them for me?" I whispered to Regan and she sighed and nodded.

"You can't go alone." She said catching my hand as I stood up from the vanity.

"I'll be fine. I've traveled alone before."

"But remember what happened last time." She said touching my belly. My heart broke and I felt the child within me stir.

"That would be a blessing right now." I said sadly and walked away so I wouldn't see the look of pain and disgust on her face.

Adam was sitting at his desk when I entered the room. He was accompanied by his councilors and they all smiled and rose as I entered the room. I curtsied to them and asked how they were but only Spencer responded by telling me I looked marvelous. I faked a smile and asked to speak to my husband privately.

"Can it not wait? We are in the middle of business." He snapped.

"I'm truly sorry to interrupt but it is urgent." I said sarcastically. He sighed and nodded to Paul who smirked and led the parade of men from the room.

"What?" he snapped again.

"My father is sick." I said and he nodded.

"I know." I bit back my anger and took a deep breath.

"I'm going to see him." His angry eyes flicked up at me and he smirked.

"Are you now?"

"Yes." I felt my hands start to shake. "I'm not asking. I'm informing."

"You are not taking my children with you." He said, knowing I would lose this battle. I sighed and leaned against my chair.

"I am aware that it would do no good to bring them along." I sighed. "I've instructed Helen and Regan to tend to them while I'm away and hope that it wont be too long."

"Helen and Regan? To care for the Princes of England?" He smirked. "Have a nice trip." He said and dismissed me. I blinked at him and was frozen. I could not believe how easy this was.

"That's it?" He looked up at me confused. "You're not going to fight me?"

"I don't care what you do anymore Susanna. As long as my children are safe then that's all that matters."

"When did you start caring about _our_ children?" I snapped.

"The moment you decided to leave them." He said and strode into his bedroom doors, shutting them behind him. I felt my knees shake and my heart broke. I wasn't leaving them for good but I needed to see my father. I needed to care for him and who knows how long that would take. So now I was torn. Do I abandon one family for the other?

A week later I sobbed as the carriage left the castle. Albert wasn't talking to me and Anthony was constantly crying. I told them I wouldn't be gone for long but they all knew I was lying. I didn't tell them where or why I was going just that I had to go. But I told them I would be back before the baby was born.

It was a long and bumpy ride with no stops, due to my eagerness to get there. And my driver asked no questions, just whistled merrily as we drove along. By the time we pulled up to the cottage I was sore, hungry and in desperate need of a comfy bed. It was the same as it always was only it seemed to be colder, darker, sadder.

No one ran out to greet me. There was no merriment in the air like I remembered. It was a sad place. So different since the last time I was here. I thanked the driver and slowly waddled up to the front door. I placed my hand on the handle and briefly thought I should knock. I pushed open the door and the smell of the house took my breath away. It stunk like death and the fire was roaring. It was disgustingly hot. The hay was dirty and the place was a mess. I heard noises coming from up stairs and I headed in that direction.

"My whole life has been a lie!" A girl shouted.

"It was for your own good." A weak voice answered.

"We don't think of you any differently." Jacob's voice. "We've always loved you as if you were our actual daughter."

"You are our daughter!" Debbie sobbed.

"No I am not. You lied to me! You all lied to me! You let me believe that…you let me think…I HATE YOU!" A tall girl with jet-black hair came racing down the staircase. She almost knocked me over.

"Aggie?" I blinked and her green eyes went from sad to shock to sadness again.

"You knew too didn't you?"

"Knew what? What's going on?"

"You knew that- that- my… Jacob is my brother." She sobbed. I touched her arm gently and whispered her name. She yanked her arm away from me.

"How could you? You of all people. You were the one I was closest too. The one I looked up to. You are just as bad as them." She said and pushed past me.

"Aggie wait!" I said and stepped towards her.

"Just leave her Susanna. She needs time." David's cool hand touched my shoulder and calm voice appeared beside me.

"David." I sighed and he wrapped me in his arms. My little brother was a giant. With long red hair and a red beard his head almost touched the ceiling and his chest was firmer, not as scrawny as when I had left.

"Bet you wish you had stayed at the castle." He chuckled slightly and I shook my head.

"It's good to be home." I said. I stared at the open door and watched as an old lanky dog shuffled in. "Lucian?" I asked looking up at David and then watched the dog wander over the fireplace and lay down.

"He's deaf now. Poor guy. And slightly blind but he's got one good eye and he'll recognize you're scent. Although…" David inhaled my deeply. "You smell much nicer than you used to." He teased. I swatted him in the stomach and waddled over to the dog. "And you're a lot fatter than you were before."

"I was pregnant last time I saw you remember?" I smirked and then our smiles faded as we remembered that night.

"Well either way you haven't changed a bit." He said and smiled, trying to changed the subject. I patted Lucian's head and he blinked at me, sniffed my hand and his tail wagged excitedly, or at least as much as an old tired dog could wag his tail. I kissed his nose and felt tears in my eyes. Adam had made me send him here when he attacked one of the guards out side of Albert's room one night. Nearly killed the man, with two tiny scratches on his right arm. It was a fight that I was determined not to lose but like all of our fights lost not only my friend but a little piece of myself as well.

"Why did you have to tell her now Papa." Jacob's voice was angry.

"She needed to know."

"We would have told her eventually." Debbie sobbed.

"She is my daughter." Papa snapped back in a tired weak voice. I looked up at David and he shook his head sadly.

"Is it that bad?" I asked and he sighed.

"You should go and see him. I'll go and look for Aggie." He helped me up and kissed my forehead. "It's good to see you again Sis."

I slowly climbed the stairs and pushed open my father's door to find my brothers at both sides of my father's bed and my sister wiping away the sweat and her own tear drops on his forehead.

"Susanna." She whispered as if I were a ghost. I couldn't help the smile and tears that appeared on my face.

"Is that really you?" Papa whispered and I let out a sob.

"Hello Papa." I said. It had been 11 years since I had seen them and they had all changed so much. Jacob had a long beard and Bradley had glasses. Debbie was very round now and had more grey hair. No one moved to touch me or smile at me. "How are you?" I asked studying my dying father's face. He raised held out his hand and I grasped it tightly. He brought it to his mouth and kissed it.

"Fine dear. Just fine." He groaned and then coughed into a handkerchief. Blood appeared on the white fabric and I looked at Debbie who shook her head.

"You look marvelous." I smiled through my tears and he laughed.

"You must've forgotten what I looked like then." He said and I smiled.

"She's probably forgotten more than just what you look like Papa." Jacob attacked. I frowned at him and Debbie gave him a scolding look.

"Now is not the time." She whispered.

"What does that mean?" I attacked back feeling very overwhelmed at all the commotion.

"We never hear from you or see you. We have two nephews that we hear about from neighbors and we don't even know them. I'm sorry that I'm a little annoyed that you just show up one day and expect everything to be perfect."

"I don't expect that!" I winced as the baby kicked my ribs. "You know that it isn't safe. You know that I am trying to protect you." He laughed sarcastically and then scowled.

"Why did you come?" He snapped, standing inches away from my face.

"Jacob please!" Debbie grabbed his arm. "I wrote to her and asked her to come."

"I'm glad she's here." Bradley said holding my hand.

"As am I. All my children under one roof again." Father whispered and the room went silent as we watched our father fall asleep.

We each took turns sitting by his bedside, wiping his forehead and feeding him soup and tea. Just as I started dozing off David knocked on the door to take his turn. Debbie had taken the children home to bed and Jacob and Bradley were still out looking for Aggie.

"Any sign of her?" I whispered but David shook his head sadly.

"I don't know where she ran off too. There's no sign of her."

"I hope she didn't get too far. It's so dangerous out there." I said looking out into the pitch-black night. I saw a flicker of light and blinked. Out in the field something was glimmering in the grass. I stood up quickly and without another word left the room. David's voice registered in my head but I didn't stop I just kept walking. I grabbed a lantern, wrapped myself in a blanket and headed out into the cool dark night.

I started calling out her name and every couple of feet I would stop walking and listen. At one point I heard a laugh and I picked up my pace. I got to a point in the field where I was tired of walking and I could barely see the house anymore. I called her name one last time and when there was no reply I sighed and decided it was time to turn around.

When I turned around and gazed at the face in front of me I almost died of a heart attack. I clutched my chest and struggled for breath.

"Hello my darling." He said and I blinked.

"You…What? How?" He smiled at me and his eyes were the same as I had remembered them. His dark brown eyes twinkled with amusement and seemed to hold all my secrets. "Andrew?" I asked. He touched my face and my knees gave out and I dropped to the floor. He jumped and touched my arms, his icy cold hands on my skin, but there were there and I could feel them.

"Are you alright?"

"But…how is this possible?"

"You don't remember talking to me before?" he said sitting cross-legged in front of me. I shook my head; words had escaped me. "That time in the forest with the king? When I gave you the warning that you didn't listen too? And all those dreams I visited you in during your second pregnancy when I told you that it…"

"Wasn't his baby. Yes I remember. You also told me that she was alive. But I was so confused I didn't know what you were talking about. I assumed when Addie was born that you meant her." He smiled and shook his head.

"Oh Susanna. You have not changed one bit."

"Why can I see you? Can everyone see you?"

"You got sick once, remember? When you met Theodore?" I nodded remembering Maria's horrified expression when I had told her. "You almost died that day. And because you came so close to death you opened a passage that allows to you speak to dead people. Some people you have spoken with you haven't even noticed are dead."

"Who?"

"For an example you spoke with Lord Cumberland before you left. Well he spoke you just smiled and nodded remember?" I thought back to the meeting Adam had had and Spencer had told me that I looked marvelous. He had been leaning against the wall and I didn't realize how out of character that was. Spencer, for one thing, didn't lean and he hated standing.

"Spencer?" I said shocked. "When?"

"Last Christmas. Maria had written you a letter but you were too wound up in your own sorrows to think about other people's." He sounded as if he were annoyed with me.

"Oh Maria." I felt tears in my eyes and he patted my shoulder.

"Come now stop crying." He scolded.

"You're more stern than I remember."

"I've been dead for almost 15 years and I've watched you make stupid mistakes over and over since that day. Plus seeing you pregnant agitates me a little." He smiled sadly as he touched my stomach. "He will be the best king this country has seen in years." I felt my heart stop and shook my head.

"But he has two older brothers." Andrew avoided my gaze.

"They are not of royal blood." He said feeling the babe inside move frantically.

"Oh God!" I felt my heartbeat quicken, my head went light and my water broke. "Oh god!" I shrieked watching my skirts darken with wet.

"Don't panic Susanna. Your children were destined for greatness. Just remember, when she comes back be patient. Love her as you always have but be patient. She was destined for greatness." He stood up and started walking away.

"No wait! I'm in labour. I can't have the baby here. Help me. Andrew please." He stopped walking and turned to me.

"Would I abandon you if I knew that you needed help?" he looked towards the house and a man's voice came through the grass. I called out and within seconds Jacob appeared in front of me. He looked hopeful for a second and the frowned.

"Jacob please." I begged and felt my body go into a terrifyingly painful contraction. He watched me for a second and sighed and helped me off the ground. I looked back briefly and Andrew smiled. "Be patient." He said and with that the lantern went out and we were slowly walking back to the house in darkness.

6 hours of labour and 8 hours of studying my brand new baby later I sat thinking about what Andrew had said. _Your children were destined for greatness. He will be the best King this country has seen in years._

"What are you going to name him?" 11-year-old Anne asked me from the side of my bed. I looked at her and smiled and then turned back to my red headed, healthy baby boy. "He's going to be a great King some day." I said. "So I shall call him Arthur."


	40. Family Secrets

"Momma look! Look!" Arthur exclaimed as we approached the vacation house. Snow covered every inch of ground and it was exactly the way I remembered it. It had been six years since I had been to the Vacation house and I swore I wouldn't go back; back to my refuge, back to the place that kept me sane but also saw my worst days.

The house was decorated with green garland around every window and door. The staircase had tiny Christmas trees in pots on each step decorated with gold and silver trimmings. The fountain where running water normally flowed was an ice sculpture of a mighty horse and rider.

"It's beautiful." I agreed and then noticed all the carriages stationed outside of the barn. I looked at Adam sitting across from us and he studied the grounds as if he were displeased. "Guests have arrived already?"

"The party is planned for tonight." He said without looking at me.

"Tonight? But we've just arrived. The children will be exhausted and grumpy." His gaze flicked over to me and he narrowed his eyes.

"The party is tonight and I leave first thing in the morning for France." I took a deep breath and ignored his glare. He had told me last night that he was leaving for France to arrange a marriage between Albert and King Pierre's youngest daughter. We had fought about it: I said he's too young and he said he's at the perfect age and needed to learn a bit of responsibility. I stormed off and called my "closest friends" (my ladies in waiting, my musicians and a couple of other staff members) and had a small gathering in my parlor. Too much wine was drunk and too much dancing had taken place for my feet ached and my stomach churned but it had been the perfect thing to distract me. Although I still could not shake the feeling that something horrible was awaiting me, especially after meeting Margaret.

The carriage came to a stop and Arthur bounced in his seat. Adam glanced over at him with a glare and I gently squeezed Arthur's leg. He looked up at me and I smiled but shook my head. He quieted down but his little legs still shook with anticipation.

Trumpets sounded and our carriage door was flung open. We waited for Adam to fix his jacket, which was too small over his rapidly growing belly, and then followed him out of the carriage. The steps were lined with servants and guests bowing to the royal family. Some family. My mother was turned in her grave every time I used the word family.

I watched as Albert climbed out of the carriage and stood proudly, like Adam taught him, back straight, head held high, no emotion. He walked at his father's right, one hand behind his back the other stiffly at his side and made no indication he saw anyone around him, unless Adam stopped to greet them.

Anthony slowly climbed out. He still slouched and he was always smiling but it was obvious that he desperately sought his father's approval. He studied the way they walked and tried to copy them, tripping over himself and smirking at the guests.

Addie was the last to appear, her red hair neatly tied back into the gold hair net I had made as a Christmas gift. She pressed her white-gloved hands down the length of her dark green dress and she looked up at me. She was no longer the child I remembered. She had left at the end of summer as a scrawny babe and appeared in the winter as a small-breasted woman with distinguished cheekbones and a mystery to her eye. I often caught men gawking at her and felt the need to protect her. I caught her gaze and she gave me a nervous smile before taking position behind me.

I grabbed Arthur's hand, while he sucked the thumb on his other hand and followed the group into the house. It was beautifully decorated and the staircase had been added to. It was now 10 feet wider and had red carpet that ran down the steps. It was lined with red ribbons and pieces of holly. The house was warm and the sounds of laughter made it a happier place for everyone.

"Go upstairs and change. Dinner starts in an hour." Adam said over his shoulder and then disappeared into the study, followed by his most trusted confidants. Paul stopped and whispered something to Addie who blushed and smiled. I glared at him but he gave me a wink and closed the door behind him.

As we walked up the stairs I let go of Arthur and he raced off with his brothers, desperate to be the first at the top of the steps. I looked at Addie and she smiled. "What did he say?" I asked.

"Who Momma?" She asked confused.

"The Duke!" I whispered furiously. She blushed again and then shrugged.

"Nothing of importance. He just told me to be on my best behaviour and made a slightly mean jest about Lady Regan's chin hair." She whispered back.

"Addison that is not funny." I said looking over at Regan. It was true; with her old age the hairs on her chin were becoming darker and more noticeable. But she was my truest dearest friend and I felt the need to defend her. I spoke this thought to Addie and she frowned.

"I'm sorry Momma. I didn't really think it was funny. I just do that to please the Duke." She went to open her bedroom door and I grabbed her hand.

"You don't…do anything else to please the Duke do you?" I asked and she blinked at me.

"Momma NO!" She hissed. "Absolutely not. I'm not a- a- harlot."

"I never said that. I just know that men of his power and age…can manipulate a young girl to think and do things that they shouldn't."

"I would never Momma. He's soo…old!" She shrieked and then smiled at me. "Besides I love another anyways." She blushed again and when I didn't smile she sighed. "A boy my own age!" She said and I smiled. I cupped her chin in my hands and kissed her forehead.

"Good. But just remember. You are a lady." She nodded and smiled at me. She kissed my cheek and then disappeared into her room to change. I instructed one of my ladies to wait on her and help her dress. It was a strange request to her and she attempted to argue but after I flogged one of my old ladies for disobeying me all my girls were afraid of me. I hated it at first but it became very useful.

In my room I had two girls unpack my trunk and then sent them off to tend to the boys. Regan smiled as she laid out my dress. She had instructed it's making herself, as a Christmas present and it was the most magnificent dress I had ever seen.

The bodice and skirts were made of rich red silk, my new favourite colour. It caught everyone's attention and made one more desirable when wearing red. The bodice was tight, hooking to the back of my black corset and ending in a v-shape just below my navel. It was a low neckline and came off my shoulders and it was trimming with gold lace. The sleeves were trumpet sleeves, tight around my elbows but flared out at the end. They were trimmed with the same gold lace but had small gold beads sown into the fabric. They sparkled in the light when I moved. The skirt was made of the same design, round and trimmed with gold lace. The only difference was the black flower patterned lace that lay over the silk. It was barely visible but seemed to give the red a richer colour, if that were at all possible.

Regan dressed my hair in a low bun with two pieces of holly in the gold hairnet and placed my finest crown on my head, fastened it into my hair with pins. She lined my eyes with charcoal and dyed my lips a ruby red. She pinched my cheeks and nodded with approval. I looked in the mirror and smiled. I was going to be the cause of a lot of conversation tonight.

There was a knock on the door announcing dinner was being served and my presence was required. I looked at Regan, who wore a simple green dress, high neckline and boring skirt, and she smiled. "Beautiful as ever." She kissed my cheek. "Oh I almost forgot." She opened my trunk and lifted out a box. "Happy Christmas." She said handing it to me. I studied her face and she nodded.

Inside was a single gold chair and on the end of it was a rub with a family crest on it. It was marvelous and went perfectly with my dress.

"This is too much!" I said offering it back but unable to look away.

"Don't be ridiculous. It was my mothers and once was mine. It's a family heirloom."

"But I am not family." I said and she smiled. She opened her mouth to say something but there was another knock on the door. I grumbled and stood up. She wrapped the black fur cape around my shoulders and wished me luck.

I could hear the guests in the dinning hall before I even reached the bottom landing. The noise was joyful and loud and it caused a smile to appear on my face. The announcer bowed to me, hit his stick off the ground three times and said, "Her Majesty, Queen Susanna." The room went silent as I counted to three before making my entrance.

The room was full of tables and chairs, everyone facing the king so not one back was turned to him. He sat at the far end of the room, wearing silver and black robes, very festive as usual. I smiled to the guests and felt my heart race as I stood in front of Adam and bowed, making sure that my cleavage was well visible. When I looked up he swallowed back his longing, nodded to me and clapped his hands. As I sat down a piece of chicken was placed on my plate and my glass was filled with wine. I left the chicken and drank the wine.

"Eat something. I don't need you making a fool out of yourself tonight." He hissed at me.

"Don't you worry about me my love. You make a big enough fool out of me by dressing like that." I jabbed and couldn't hide the smile that slid over my face when he looked down at his robes. "But our children, now they are something to admire." I said looking over at the table closest to us where the boys sat. Each boy wore rich blue robes with silver trimmings. Albert's hair was greased back and he looked so handsome. But there was anxiety in his face and he spoke with no one, his eyes locked onto Addie across the room. She sat quietly next to Paul. She sat at his right now that I noticed. She wore a white gown with a low neckline and diamonds sown into the bodice. Her hair was loose and in large curls with a single piece of holly tucked behind her ear. She never spoke and she didn't touch her plate but when Paul whispered in her ear she instantly smiled and blushed. It was a sickening sight, especially when he would stare at me smirking as he talked to my daughter. I swallowed my disgust and looked back to my sons.

Anthony's hair was combed neatly and he was sitting having what looked like a deep conversation with Lady Hamalton, the oldest guest in the palace. Arthur on the other hand, who sat on Albert's left, was watching Adam carefully and tucking pieces of chicken into his lap where there was a napkin placed. He wrapped it up and tucked it inside his shirt, then told Maria he needed to go to the restroom. He would take it to the stables where he would feed the dogs. It was his Christmas present to them. I smiled and watched as she tried to flatten the piece of hair that stuck up at the front of his head. The same way Adam's hair stuck up. They shared a lot of similar qualities: hair, frame, nose, eye shape, and mannerisms. Yet Adam still believed that Arthur was not his child. The only child that resembled him, that shared his blood and he hated him. Would he hate him even more if he knew about the other two?

I noticed a commotion in the entranceway and sipped my wine as I watched the Announcer argue with the guest trying to enter the party. I nudged Adam and nodded to the door.

"Who is it?" He shouted and the whole room went silent.

"The Duke and Duchess of Norfolk." He announced. "Here without invitation."

"Don't be silly good man. They are _our dearest friends_. Let them in. Make room for them." Adam said smiling broadly and standing up. He stepped down and around the table to meet the new guests. My stomach dropped as Jesse walked into the room. It had been such a long time since I had seen him, and even longer since we had spoken. His hair was going grey and he had a mustache. His eyes were tired but they had the same spark that they always had. His gaze instantly met mine and I couldn't help but smile. He bowed and I nodded to him. Adam roughly grabbed Jesse's arms and hugged him tightly. "My old friend. So good to see you."

"And you." Jesse said, rather shocked. They hadn't been friends in years. It was suspicious.

"I see you received my invitation. Sorry it was so last minute." Adam said faking sincerity. Jesse saw right through it and nodded. "I see you brought your family." At that moment I became aware of the two women standing behind him.

When her purple eyes met mine I felt bile rise in my throat. "Ceecee?" I blurted out

"Your Majesty." She smiled sadly and bowed.

"It's so wonderful to see you both. It's been such a long time, hasn't it my dear?" Adam said touching my cheek and I was so shocked I couldn't move. "And who's this young lady?"

"Ahem, this-this is our daughter, Margaret." Jesse said, his voice melting my heart and making it skip a beat at the same time.

"Margaret." I whispered. She smiled slightly and bowed.

"Hello again your Majesty." She peeped.

"Oh so you've met?" Adam asked staring at me.

"Yes it seems that Lady Margaret has been appointed as one of my new ladies."

"Ah yes. I had forgotten." Adam clapped his hands together. "Well so nice to finally meet you." He smiled at her and kissed her hand, lingering a moment too long. "Come let us make room for you." Adam nodded to a group of servants and they set up a table rather quickly close to the head table, where Adam and I sat. They were in plain sight and it was hard not to look at them. Jesse looked marvelous in a light blue tunic with white trimmings, as did Margaret. As for Ceecee, she looked awful. Her hair, though still long, was almost completely grey and her eyes were wrinkled and tired as if she had been crying for the past 16 years. She didn't touch a single thing on her plate and constantly fidgeted with Margaret. She pushed her hair back, she fixed the collar of Margaret's dress, and she lectured her to sit up straight. I had thought Ceecee was dead. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that she had married, and had a child with Jesse. Her feelings towards Jesse were always clear; they were childhood friends and nothing more. She had been having a sexual relationship with Adam, before we were married. They never loved each other, it was purely a physical attraction and both knew that one day it would end. It had appeared that she was quite fine with that arrangement and hadn't given any indication on wanting to marry Jesse. So why had she? Her gaze met mine briefly and there was a longing in her eye that puzzled me.

"Beautiful girl isn't she?" Adam said to me as he sipped his wine. He had all of a sudden lost his appetite and he gripped his cup as if his life depended on it.

"Who?" I asked looking over at Addie who was having a passionate discussion with Paul.

"Not her." Adam grumbled. "Jesse's daughter." He leaned closer to me and lowered his voice. "She's got such marvelous skin. Soft. No wrinkles or scars from childbearing years." I felt my stomach turn. "And her hair. It's so long and a dark black. It's carefree and vibrant, like her." His face was so close to mine I could feel the heat of his skin as we stared at the girl. "But her eyes. It's those eyes that make stand out. So green the grass cant even compare. So bright, it's like she has the whole world in the palm of her hand." He paused and sat back. "They're so familiar, like I've looked into them before." He studied me and I took a deep breath and shook my head.

"Maybe you've met her before." I said taking a sip of my wine and studying the girl. Adam was silent and he chuckled.

"Maybe." He said and with that he never spoke to me again for the rest of the night.

The plates were cleared away and the dancing began an hour later. By this point I had four cups of wine and was starting to feel a buzz. Adam led me into the dance floor but offered my first dance up to Albert, who sullenly took his place. It wouldn't impress the ladies to be seen dancing with his mother. Eventually other people joined in the dance and Anthony took his spot. Albert happily dashed off and grabbed Addie's hand, whisking her onto the dance floor. She laughed merrily and the four of us danced around in a circle, disregarding anyone else in the room.

I danced for four more songs before my feet became too heavy and I needed to sit. I sat in my place beside Adam and took large gulps of my wine. I watched as my children danced happily and my guests marinated themselves in wine.

"Your Majesty." A girl bowed in front of me and when she looked up I blinked twice.

"Aggie!' I shrieked and heard Adam hiss beside me. I quickly climbed out of my seat and took her hands. I kissed each of her cheeks twice and hugged her tightly. "How are you?" I said studying her grown up face.

"I am well and you? You look radiant." She said holding me back and studying my dress. I overheard Adam say that we were old friends and went to correct him when Aggie pulled me away.

"Where is Maria?" I asked looking around while she led me away. "I didn't see her at dinner."

"She is at home with Edward." Aggie smiled. "I accompanied the new Duke of Cumberland." She blushed and nodded at the scrawny young man standing by the fireplace. He looked around the room as if it were going to erupt in flames. He was clearly not having a good time. He was young, I remembered Maria saying. He was one of Spencer's nephews. 20 something. Charles was his name. His blonde hair was already thinning and his brown eyes were sunken into his head but he watched my sister with a certain pride that only men in love showed.

"He loves you." I giggled foolishly to her and she smiled.

"I love him." She said and I laughed.

"Him? Aggie you could find someone so much more handsome." I blurted out as she pulled me into the cool night air. She let go of me and frowned.

"Susanna, that was very unkind. Charles accepts me and my past. He is kind and caring and gentle. He never raises his voice or speaks ill of anybody. But most importantly he is good to me and he is good to Edward." I nodded in agreement. Aggie was very fortunate to find someone who would take an interest in her, much less fall in love with her.

After finding out the truth about her parents Aggie disappeared. She was gone for months and we had thought that she was dead. But one day, the day before I left it was pouring rain. Papa had died the month before and we were sitting around sharing the memories of our youth when the door flew open and in walked a soaked, tired and half starved Aggie. Her hair was matted, she was dirty and she was wearing a disgusting old blanket over her shoulders.

She collapsed onto the ground and Jacob ran over to pick her up. As he removed the blanket the swell of her pregnant stomach was clearly visible under her dress. He recoiled in anger and everyone stared at her shocked. Debbie and I helped her into a hot bath where she explained that when she had run away she had been flirting with one of the hired stable boys. She had told him her plans to never come home and he suggested that they run away and get married. Only he never married her. He told he was trying to save up enough money to buy them a house but when she discovered her baby he called her names and left her without a penny and without a home. It took her two months to walk back home and by that point she was almost five months pregnant. Debbie felt sorry for her and offered to raise her baby as their own, but Aggie became angry at this and swore that she would never cause her baby the same hurt that she had.

Jacob, unable to look past her childish ways and mistakes, told her that she was no longer welcome in their home. He instructed her to find a new place to live. Knowing that she couldn't stay there nor could she come back to the palace with me somehow made me stressed. So I went to the only place, other than the vacation house that helped me get rid of stress. I went to see Maria. I wasn't even finished telling the story before she was arranging a room for Aggie and her baby. _This house is too quiet_, she said. _It'll be nice having a baby around again. Plus it'll be like getting another chance, even if it isn't my baby._ Those words will forever be in my mind and her kindness will be something I can never repay.

"Why did you bring me out here?" I asked her coming back to present day.

"I was instructed to."

"Instructed? By whom?" I said and she smiled. She turned around and looked at the dark doorway where a shadow loomed.

"Thank you." He said, his voice was shaky and sounded sad. Aggie nodded at him and kissed my cheek.

"I call out if anyone approaches this hallway." She said proudly and disappeared inside. We stood in silence; the moon was the only source of light. I could see his breath in the air and I could guess how fast his heart was beating based on the fact that mine was about to burst from my chest.

"You married Ceecee." I said sadly.

"You married Adam." A knife to my heart. I turned away and grasped my cup tightly. "I didn't want to marry Ceecee."

"I didn't want to marry Adam." I said and all of sudden he was in front of me. I looked into his eyes and all the old feelings rushed to my head. They made me reach out and touch his cheek. They made me pull his face to mine and kiss him passionately. They made my knees go weak and the cup fall from my grasp. The wine helped as well.

"Susanna," he groaned and pulled away. "What happened in the past… what happened between us… that is over. It can never be like it used to. You have your family and I have mine." He said sadly and I stared at him shocked. I sighed and fought back the single tear in my eye.

"I understand. I just long for the days when life was simpler." I said and he sighed.

"You have no idea how much worse it is going to get." He rubbed his face and it reminded me of the winter he came to visit. I had thrown a snowball at his face and he had wiped it away the same way he just rubbed his face. So I mentioned this to him, describing the setting and the size of the snowball. And recalling how had been so shocked. He laughed and shook his head. "I never got you back for that." He said and the next thing I knew a snowball his me square in the chest. I squealed with amusement and at the cold snow on my bare skin. "Now we are even."

"I don't think so." I said making a snowball fight and all of sudden it was a full on match. It was like we were young again. It was like the past hadn't happened and we had our whole lives ahead of us. He grabbed my waist and pulled me close. And then it became real again.

"I missed you." I said and his gaze flicked to my lips. He smiled and bent his head down and kissed me. He kissed me long and fierce. He pulled at my hair and tugged at my clothes. He pushed me up against the wall and felt the cold bare skin around the base of my neck. When I reached under his tunic he grabbed my hand and stopped.

"No. NO!" He dropped my hand and turned away. "We cant. It's not right."

"I love you Jesse! I always have! Nothing nor anyone is going to change that!" I said feeling tears in my eyes. "The years apart have done nothing but tell me that you and I are meant for each other."

"Susanna you have to understand. It's too dangerous."

"Love is dangerous." I smiled and he shook his head.

"It's not only our lives at stake. There's something I came out here to tell you. You need to know the truth."

"I know the truth Jesse. I know you love me as much as I love you. I know you think about me every day as I do about you. I know you don't want to be with anyone but me. I know your heart is beating so fast you feel like you might faint." I placed his hand on my chest and looked up at him. "For mine is beating the same way." He studied my face and his eyes looked sad.

"I can't." he whispered but his face inched closer and closer to mine until his lips weren't even a breath away.

"I love you and you love me. That is all that matters." I said and kissed him. Then there were three "CAW's" and we broke apart. I hid behind a bush and Jesse pretended that he urinating on the garden.

"Did you tell her?" Ceecee's voice.

"No I haven't found her yet."

"She's changed so much." She sighed sadly and I looked around the bush and watched her wrap her arms tightly around her middle. "Yet she's still so much the same."

"I agree." He said looking over at me. I smiled and covered the laughter dying to get out.

"How do you think she'll react?" Ceecee looked up at him and he sighed.

"I must go find her. Maybe she's in the parlor." He said loudly and I got the hint.

"I think I saw her upstairs. I'll go and check." Ceecee said. "She'll have a lot of questions for me I assume." She sighed as if she was annoyed and they disappeared inside.

I waited till I was almost frozen solid, so about four minutes, before following them inside. I bumped into Regan at the servants' staircase and she hissed. "Look at the state of you!" She whisked me into the kitchen where the cooks and servants smiled at me.

"Your Majesty has too much drink at parties." One foreign cook said and I grinned.

"Too much drink and too much sex." I said and Regan hissed again.

"Of course she's joking." Regan defended.

"Wishful thinking is more accurate." I winced as Regan pulled at my hair. She hissed and lectured as she rebraided it into the complex bun that she had done before. She looked at me and sighed.

"It's not the same but it will have to do." She sighed. "When are you going to grow up Susanna?" She sighed and I felt a stab of hurt.

"I don't want to grow up." I spat back and she shook her head.

"Thirty years, three children later and that couldn't be more obvious." Without another word she turned and walked out of the kitchen. I sat dumbfounded. One of the cooks passed me a dessert and I ate it silently as I thought about what she said. I needed to grow up. I needed to stop acting like a child. But as I child I never got to so why couldn't I do it now? Why did I have to follow everyone else's rules? It was my life. No one could tell me what to do. And with that I thought of Jesse and raced out of the kitchen. I was just reaching the door to the parlor when Albert grabbed me.

"Mother have you seen Addie?" He looked worried and he was out of breath.

"Addie? No. Not since we all danced together. Why dear?" I touched his sweating face. "What's wrong?"

"I can't find her. An hour ago she said she needed to use the pot and she never came back." He looked down the dark hallway. "It's not like her. She's been acting very weird."

"Maybe she's not feeling too well today dear. I'm sure she's fine." I said patting his shoulder and placed my hand on the handle of the door. He grabbed my arm tightly and I looked at him.

"I'm telling you something is wrong." He said and because he was so persistent I sighed and nodded.

"Alright, alright. I'll check upstairs you look down hear. Meet me upstairs in ten minutes." He sighed with relief and nodded before bolting off down the hallway. I stared at the door longingly and then sighed. Be a grown up Susanna, I told myself as I started up the staircase. I checked 13 empty rooms in a matter of 10 minutes. I was ready to give up when Albert met me at the last room.

"Any sign of her?" He asked even though he clearly knew the answer.

"No and I checked all the rooms." He frowned and his eyes watered. I touched his cheek and shook my head. "Darling she's fine. I know it. You worry too much. Come back to the party. They're serving your favourite desert." I said and wrapped my arm around his shoulder. All of a sudden there was a quiet yelp from the room to my right. Both of us froze.

"You checked all the rooms?" Albert whispered.

"Almost all of them." I whispered, swallowing the lump that had formed in my throat.

"She's in there." He said but we couldn't move. We were afraid of what was on the other side of the door. When she yelped again Albert jumped into action and swung open the door. He raced into the room in a fury. There was shouting and screaming and then there was silence.

I took a deep breath and walked into the room. Paul was half naked standing next to the bed where my 14-year-old daughter lay sobbing, her dress cut off of her body and her undergarments ripped. Paul's worried gaze flicked from me to Albert and back to me.

"It's not what it looks like." He said with a nervous laugh. "She wanted it." He looked down at the girl. Before I could even blink Albert screamed so loud and lunged for Paul. Addie screamed and I tried to pull Paul off of Albert but he pushed me away, into a chesterfield, knocking the air out of my lungs. Punches were thrown and Albert looked as if he were going to lose the fight. Paul picked him up and threw him into a table with a nice light meal set up. Albert lay on his stomach, panting and bleeding. I couldn't move, I was so shocked. "Paul no!" I shouted as Paul went after Albert again. Then there was a grunt, a slice and then silence. Paul gasped as he rolled away from Albert a knife stuck in his chest. Albert breathed heavily as he sat up. He grabbed Paul by the hair and slowly pulled the knife from his chest.

"I told you to stay away from her and you laughed at me." He spat on Paul's dying face. "Who's laughing now?" He said with an evil tone in his voice as he plunged the knife deep into Paul's throat. It took seconds that felt like hours for Paul's eyes to go blank and he stopped gurgling blood.

Albert backed away, wiped his face and rushed to the side of the bed. Addie scooted closer to him and he touched her cheek. He whispered quietly to her and I stared at my two children in disbelief.

"You…you killed him." I finally said. They looked up at me as if they hadn't noticed that I was there. "You killed him! He's dead!" I said looking horrified at my son.

"He was going to hurt her." Albert said. "You said you would kill him yourself if he touched her." I swallowed and struggled to stand up.

"But he's dead." I said watching the blood stain the carpet. Albert looked over at the body and his face went white. Addie trembled on the bed and the three of us sat in silence. There were voices in the hallway and I felt my heart race. Without even thinking I shut the door and sat in front of it. We sat in complete silence as the voices faded away down the hallway.

"What do we do?" Addie finally said. Albert and I stared at Paul's body and shook our heads.

"I'll take care of it." I said.

"No Momma. I did it. I'll take care of it." Albert said.

"You will do what I say and nothing else. You will take Addie to her room and wash yourself up. Addie you will throw on a robe and get Regan. Tell Regan that there was an accident and Albert cut himself."

"But I didn't cut myself." He said. I picked up the knife, grabbing his arm and made a tiny cut just below his elbow. It started bleeding instantly. He looked at me horrified as I torn the bed sheet into pieces and pressed it against his wound.

"After Regan cleans the wound I want you to tell her that I said to go and meet me at the barn. Addie I want you to inform the King that I am going to set up a bonfire outside to celebrate the winter festival. Tell him it was a surprise." I'll meet you down there in half an hour." They stared at me shocked. "Do you remember both your parts?"

"Yes" They said in unison.

"Good. Good." I rolled up my sleeves and stared at the body. "Discuss with each other your story on how you got cut. Weather it be cutting breading or sword fighting, I don't care but make sure you both have the story memorized so no one suspects anything, understand?"

"Yes Momma." They said in unison.

"Good. Now go. Don't say another word to anyone." I said and they disappeared down the hallway. I stared at the body and looked around the room. This was going to be risky but it could be done.

Half an hour later I was change into a blue satin dress with white fur trimmings, accompanied with a white fur hat and coat. Regan studied it suspiciously, knowing I had planned on wearing it the next day. Before she could say anything Jesse appeared and I smiled.

"Perfect. Help me start this fire. I have no idea what I'm doing." I said and he blinked at me.

"You never came."

"Came where?" I said pretending to be unaware of previous plans.

"To the parlor." He whispered. "I really have to talk to you privately." He said eyeing the people around us.

"Well it'll have to wait. For tonight we celebrate!" I said cheerfully. Adam finally strode out of the house and I breathed a sigh of relief. Everyone was out of the house, I thought as I combed the crowd. Arthur. ARTHUR!

"Where's Arthur? Arthur?" I shrieked as I started pushing people out of my way.

"He's here your majesty." Marcia said from the back of the crowd. In her arms was my six year old, quietly sucking on his thumb. I breathed a sigh of relief and then became aware that everyone was watching me. I laughed and said "I didn't want him to miss it. I guess I had to much to drink today." Most of the guests laughed along with me but I was aware that Adam and Jesse were watching me suspiciously.

"Here goes nothing." I said placing a special powder on the fire that Jesse had made and watching it erupt in colour. People were amazed and frightened at the same time. There were a lot of "ooo's" and "ahhh's" as the dancing fire changed from orange to red to green. But the one that caught us all off guard was Lady Hamalton saying "Look! Fire!"

"Of course Lady Hamalton! It's a bonfire." Someone said laughing.

"No you idiot. A fire! In that bedroom." She pointed up at the house and people screamed. I took a deep breath, swallowed my nerves and looked up at the window. A shadow crossed over the window and my heart stopped.

"There's someone in there!" Someone shouted. Everyone stared at the window and a watched as a servant struggled to open the window.

"We must help him." Someone else said and everyone jumped into action. Everyone except Addie, Albert and I.


	41. A Cup of Tea

"Tea Your Highness?" a voice said as a cup of hot tea was placed in front of me. I took the cup without even looking at the person. There was something so soothing about a cup of tea. The way the heat steamed from the top and the way the cup warmed your fingers. Such a simple thing, yet it was romantic in a way to sit and drink a cup of tea, while watching the place you hated, a place that was once a safe haven, burn to the ground in front of your eyes.

When the last flame was extinguished the vacation house was barely recognizable. Men and women ran from the water to the house with buckets upon buckets of water but nothing worked. The flame was too powerful. Our secret was safe. I remember nothing yet I remember watching each room go up in flames.

I sat at the table of a local farmer and stared through the window at the smoking morning sky. It was cold and someone had wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and brought me here. My children slept soundly, huddled together on the floor beside the roaring fire. I watched and listened to the women and children cry. I studied the way the men hid their panic. I felt nothing, not an ounce of fear, regret or remorse.

"Susanna." Someone touched my arm and pulled me back to my surroundings. I looked up into the face of Alexander. I gave a meek smile and he sighed. His face covered in soot and his hair hanging across his eyes. He brushed it back for my benefit and sighed. "The King has instructed that you and the children be returned to the palace." I nodded and looked out the window. As he stood to leave I grabbed his hand.

"How many?" I asked staring at the wreckage. I could feel him watching me and then he sighed.

"Six dead. The Duke of Cornwall is assumed to be one of the deceased." I looked up in horror and shook my head.

"The duke? But…how? How could they possibly know?"

"He was wearing his ring. Though it was badly damaged Adam managed to identify it."

"Oh my. That is horrible." I said looking back at the spectacle before me.

"Yes." Alexander said completely disbelief in his voice. When I met his eye he studied me carefully. I narrowed my eyes and felt my cheeks heat up. "My darling we are dearest friends." He knelt down in front of me and held my hand in his. "I would never betray you. And I trust that you knew what you are doing." He kissed my hand and I nodded. At the exact same moment the door to the farmhouse swung open and Adam strode in. He saw Alexander and I and stopped.

"Are you hurt?" I said standing and faking my concern. I went to him and wiped soot from his cheek with my handkerchief. He blinked at me and then glared.

"You are supposed to be waking the children and going home." He snapped.

"Of course my darling I was just-" I looked back at Alexander and he stood back straight, hands behind him and staring at the floor.

"I can see what you were just doing. It's what you're always just doing." He snapped. He grabbed my arm tightly and pulled me towards him. "This will be the last time you make a fool out of my Susanna. I promise you this." He grabbed my face and kissed me roughly, his lips like rocks scraping the skin off of my own. He pushed me away and looked at Alexander.

"Get their carriage ready. I assume you'll be more than eager to accompany them back." He said and marched out of the house. I stood shaking.

"He thinks-" Alexander said but I shushed him.

"He thinks nothing. I will fix this when I get home." I said. But the whole time there was a deep sinking feeling in my chest.

Adam did not return home with us that night, or the next night or the night after that. It was a whole two weeks before he returned to the palace. Addie had remained with me due to the death of the Duke and she clung to Albert's side as if her life depended on it. They didn't speak unless it was to each other and barely ate. Anthony wandered around lost. He was confused by his siblings' distance and was frequently agitated by Arthur who, being so young, begged for his brother's attention.

One morning, as I sat pretending to concentrate on my needlepoint I heard a carriage arrive below. My heart stopped for a moment as I sat and listened. Voices rose through my cracked window and I strained my ears to hear what was being said. When I could not distinguish a voice I stood up and looked below. A black carriage sat in front of the staircase; it's passengers already inside the castle. It was not a royal carriage therefore it was not Adam. I sighed and sat back down.

Within minutes there was a knock on the parlor door. I had sent my ladies away to do mindless tasks allowing me time for peace and quiet. I sighed and rose to answer the door.

"I was sent up to change the bed." Margaret said bowing politely in front of me. I blinked at the girl and was shocked. She looked up at me quickly waiting for a reply and I jumped.

"Of course. Of course. Come in." I said standing back and holding the door open for her. She looked at me shocked and then scurried past me.

I sat back in the chair and watched through the open bedroom doors as she quickly tore the old sheets off and remade the new bed. It was as if I were watching an old memory. The edges were tight and the top sheet turned down. She gave the pillows an extra punch before placing them gently back on the bed.

"Your parents," I started. "Who are they?" She jumped and looked at me.

"The Duke and Duchess of Norfolk." She said bowing to me. Jesse's daughter. And Ceecee's daughter. It was Ceecee. Ceecee used to fold the bed sheets like that.

"You don't need to do that every time I talk to you." I said with a smile. She nodded and stood straighter. She blinked a couple of times and her eyes started to water. "Are you alright?" She nodded and then let out a sneeze.

"I'm sorry your majesty. I seem to have caught a cold." She said. Wiping her nose on her apron.

"Oh my. Well come and sit by the fire. Have some tea." I said standing up and pouring her a hot cup. She stood frozen by the bed. "Come. Despite what you have heard I don't bite." I said with a laugh and she smiled slightly. "How do you like your tea?" I asked as she shuffled into the room.

"Milk and two and a half sugars, if I may." She peeped.

"Of course. Of course." I bit back the unsettled feeling in my stomach. Her eyes seemed to hold the wisdom of the world. They were mysterious yet comforting. And her smile, though small it was perfect. It was genuine and…happy. It was as if I were sitting with someone I had known for my whole life. "Have you lived in Norfolk for your entire life?"

"I, uh, for majority of it. My mother told me that when I was a small babe we lived with her parents in Lancashire." She sipped the tea and there was a small smile on her lips.

"You're about 16 years of age, yes?" She nodded.

"16 as of last September." She said. My son would've been a month older, had he lived. I remembered that day as if it had just happened yesterday. I remembered the wedding and the smiles on my family's faces. I remembered the pain and the heat. I remembered Regan holding my legs and Ceecee was nowhere to be found. Ceecee. She wasn't pregnant, for she would've told me. And to have a baby in September? She was a flat as a board. I looked at the girl and studied her face. As she spoke of her life her voice had a tone that was familiar and her eyes, the way they spoke to mine was bringing back a memory. I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to picture it.

A vision entered my mind and it was when I was seven years old. Bradley had tripped me as I raced by and I had dropped all the eggs I had collected. I looked up in the warm green eyes and heard her say, "Susanna, my darling, don't cry. They're just eggs." My eyes popped open and I tears filled my eyes.

"Your highness?" She looked at me startled. I let the cup of tea fall out of my hands and stared at her. She jumped up to clean the mess but I knelt down and touched her face. She blinked at me curiously and slightly frightened. But as I looked into my daughter's eyes I felt joy, happiness and yet sadness. My daughter, the daughter I could never have, sat before me, healthy happy and raised by another. I kissed her forehead and she raised her eyebrows. "Your-your majesty?"

"You may go now Margaret. I'm feeling tired." I said wiping the tears from my face and collecting myself. I stopped at the door and looked back. "When you write home to your parents, will you ask them to come to the castle? I wish to meet with them again."

"They are here your majesty." She peeped.

"Here?" I looked out the window at the frozen ground and felt my heart race.

"They arrived this morning." Jesse and Ceecee here. Under my roof and I had no knowledge.

"Ask them to accompany me for dinner would you. Tell them it's of the utmost importance." I said with a small smile. She nodded and returned the smile but I closed the door, laid on my clean bed and sobbed for hours.

Dinner came at the slowest pace. After a good cry I ordered my servants into a frenzy. The ladies were to pick out my most elegant dress and the parlor was to be scrubbed clean. The chef was instructed to cook duck for supper with a variety of vegetables and a cake for desert.

I stood by the dark window and thought over everything that I had wanted to talk about. As I pressed down the red velvet dress and fidgeted with the red hairnet in my hair I thought about what caused me the most pain. Betrayal is what it came down to. How dare they betray me? I was their friend and their lover. How could they steal my child away from me and then wave her in front of me years later? Did they think I wouldn't notice?

I heard whispers at the door and the knock was deep and long. I nodded to the doorman and he opened the door to my two _friends_. I plastered a smile on my face and nodded to them.

"Jesse! Ceecee! How I have missed you both." I said offering them my royal hand and kissing each on the cheek. Jesse narrowed his eyes at me, seeing right through my act and Ceecee avoided eye contact.

"Thank you for inviting us." He said looking around the room. "I assumed you were having one of your famous parties but this is rather…formal."

"Of course not. After 16 years you think I would just casually invite you to one of my parlor parties?" Ceecee's head shot up and I stared at her, my smile still on my face. The colour drained from her cheeks and she blinked at me.

"Susanna let me explain."

"Oh Ceecee, please. Come and sit. There will be plenty of time for catch up. But first you must try the duck." I nodded to the servant who pulled out my chair and sat down. "I've become quite the hunter you know. I would've killed this one myself, but I had a terrible shock this afternoon and needed a lie down." I smiled at them as I snapped the napkin over my lap. They exchanged a quick glance and then stared at me. I snapped my fingers at the wine boy and he filled our glasses. "What shall we toast to?" I said looking at my guests. Jesse blinked at me and Ceecee fidgeted with her glass.

"To your good health." He said.

"Come now Jesse. I'm sure you can think of something better than that." I smiled at him and he couldn't help but return the smile.

"To old friends." He said and I smiled more. I turned to Ceecee and she raised her eyebrows.

"To-to old memories." She said raising her glass and staring me straight in the eye. I blinked at her and narrowed my eyes. Her purple eyes glistened with an untold story.

"To Margaret." I said raising my glass and taking a sip while Ceecee dropped her glass and Jesse choked on the wine.

"Susanna please let us explain." I looked at the servants in the room. All were emotionless, standing against the walls waiting for command. But all had ears and all had tongues.

"You're dismissed." I said to them. They hesitated a moment and then left. "Except you." I pointed to the wine boy and he stood frozen. He was a child. Someone easily loyal if threatened enough. I sighed and picked a grape from the pile of fruit. I studied its soft purple texture and the way it was so easy to crush. I bit into it and tasted the sweet juices inside.

"It's not what you think." Ceecee fumbled with the napkin, dabbing at the spill.

"More wine?" I snapped at the boy and he jumped into action. He filled Ceecee's cup and she shook as she raised it to her lips.

"We had to Susanna." Jesse said and my eyes flicked to him for the briefest moment, the smile no longer on my face. He sat back, as if I had slapped him.

"I never meant to hurt you." She whispered. I narrowed my eyes at her and the nastiest laugh left my lips.

"Hurt me? How have you hurt me?" I said watching her panic.

"I- you- we…" She looked at Jesse who sat to my right and begged him for an answer.

"She had my colouring. We had to protect her and you." He answered for Ceecee.

"Please don't make it sound like you were heroes." I snapped. I took a deep breath, drank half of my cup of wine and smiled again. "So tell me. How long did you wait after you kidnapped my child did you marry?"

"Susanna please-" She started to cry.

"How long?" I snapped.

"A week." He answered. I stared at him in disbelief.

"A week." I whispered. "Well isn't that wonderful. I guess my invitation got lost on the road somewhere."

"No one was invited Susanna. And you know that we couldn't have invited you. You would've know about the baby."

"Clearly I meant so much to you." I said staring at him. His eyes narrowed and his face darkened with anger.

"You are one to speak. Marrying my best friend while I was recovering from the war I had fought in his honour." He shouted.

"I explained that already! He had told me you were dead." I shouted back.

"You were always such an idiot Susanna. Such a stupid little girl. You never saw that his attraction to you was based on competition with me. My whole life Adam wanted what I had. For whatever disturbed reason he wanted you because he knew that I loved you. He never loved you."

"You-you don't know him." I stuttered but it all made sense. The gifts and the parties and the special privileges I was given. "He loves me."

"He may have thought he loved you but he didn't. And he certainly doesn't now. But who can blame him? Married to a woman who has affairs and bares children that are not even him. I'm surprised you have lived this long." He shouted, his mouth practically foaming with anger. I sat back shocked.

"Jesse please." Ceecee's quiet voice made the room go quiet.

"My children…they are…how did you know?" tears were in my eyes.

"All you have to do is look at them." He snarled. "Well not the youngest one. He is the spitting image of his father. Good thing that he's like you, or at least the way you used to be."

"How dare you speak to me this way!" I said slamming my empty cup down. "I am the Queen of England and you cannot treat me this way."

"But you really shouldn't be should you?" He snapped. "You're nothing but a common farm girl who should've been married off to a farmer like everyone else. There's not a speck of royal blood in you." He stood up and marched to my chair. He placed both hands on each arm and his face was inches from mine. "You're a liar. You trick people into believing what you want them to believe and then make them think it's their fault when it doesn't work out the way you want it to." Tears lined his eyes. "You never loved me." He spat and that was all it took for the tears to pour down my face. I looked up at him and shook my head.

"If you only knew. I loved you more than anything in this world. I still love you more than anything. How do you think it feels to find out that my child, OUR CHILD, was being raised by you and my best friend?"

"Probably about the same as watching you marry and play wife to the man I called my best friend." He said and his face softened. I took a deep breath and stared into the eyes that I loved so much. My heart ached for him.

"I truly am sorry." I said with my entire heart. "If given the chance to change everything I would." I touched his cheek and his face softened. "You know I would." He sighed and pressed his forehead to mine.

"As would I." he said.

"But nothing can be changed now," Ceecee's voice came from the distance and brought us back. She was crying and staring at the napkin in her lap. My cheeks heated with embarrassment as Jesse coughed and returned to his seat. I motioned for our glasses to be refilled and I took a deep breath.

"Tell me what happened." I said and Ceecee wiped her eyes.

"The night of the masquerade Jesse came to me. As you know we were childhood friends and he knew that I would do anything for him."

"Because you loved him." I said and her eyes flicked up to mine. They were full of hurt and anger but she nodded.

"I loved him more than anything. But I was not a foolish enough to pretend that he loved me." Jesse studied his glasses and didn't make a sound.

" The night of the masquerade he came to me to discuss your pregnancy. He confessed to me that one night before your second wedding you two had lain together and therefore the child might be his. I didn't want to believe it but I had known it to be true. We watched you mingle with guests as he told me his fear that you would be put to death, along with his child if it were in fact his child. I told myself he was crazy and that it was just wishful thinking, but as the child inside you grew I started to worry. I was unsure of how I was going to get the baby away from you once you had held it in your arms.

I read the letter of your brother's wedding to the king and told him that you would probably want to go. For you see at the time His highness had sought me out many late nights, especially in you're heaviest of months. He and I were childhood friends and…physical acquaintances. It wasn't romantic and it wasn't love. I was helping him and he was entertaining me.

When I read that letter I immediately wrote to Jesse, who was never too far away. I told him that we would be leaving to go to your family and he arranged to drive us. It shocked me how you did not recognize him, especially when he helped you from the carriage." I looked at Jesse who was drinking his wine heavily. I hadn't even looked at the man, let alone talked to him. It had always puzzled me how quickly he had disappeared.

"That night at the wedding I had noticed your pain and I sought out Jesse. This was around the time you thought I had disappeared. When we returned to the house the baby was crowning and Regan lectured me while I wiped the sweat from your forehead. When you passed out I examined the baby and explained it all to Regan. She was furious. I've never seen her so mad before. But the baby was dark than you and her hair was like Jesse's. Our fears were confirmed. She was not Adam's. Without Regan we would've been lost. She jumped into action, agreeing that Margaret needed to be protected. She went and got the doctor, while I tended to the baby and Jesse sat by your side.

When they returned with a stillborn birthed that morning we thanked God and the two of us took the baby and left immediately. We walked for days." She looked at Jesse as if it was a fond memory and I felt myself get angry.

"Why wouldn't you have told me?" I snapped and they both looked at me. "You know I would've done anything to protect her."

"I tried to talk to you about it Susanna but you wouldn't listen." Jesse said. "I told you about the possibility of the child being mine but you were convinced it was Adam's."

"It didn't seem likely, for that one time to take so quickly." I looked down at my lap.

"We couldn't tell you because you wouldn't have been able to hide the secret you kept. So we took the baby to Lancashire. I told my parents it was a sin I had committed and didn't get the chance to explain it before we were married and sent back to Norfolk. I wanted to tell you. There is nothing more that I missed then your company. But I had to protect the ones I love." Tears poured down her face and she shook her head. "Imagine looking into the face of your child and instead of seeing yourself you see the mirror images of the two people you love most." I wiped my own tears away and sighed.

"Why did you not have more children?" Ceecee looked up at Jesse and he stared out the window.

"We were afraid of the differences the children would have from Margaret. So we said that Ceecee could not have children anymore."

"He loves you Susanna, not me." She said sadly. Guilt filled my stomach and the wine rose into my throat. My best friend has sacrificed her entire happiness for my safety. I shook my head.

"I'm so sorry Ceecee." I said and went to her side. I knelt down beside her and kissed her hand. It was the humblest action I could do and it took everyone by surprise. "I wish desperately-' She touched my cheek and smiled the tiniest smile.

"Nothing can be changed now Susanna." She looked over at Jesse. "All we can do now is prevent anything from happening."

"Why after all these years would anything happen? Did you think I would say something?" I said standing up.

"You are the one who summoned Margaret to work for you aren't you?" She said.

"No. I had no idea you were even married." I said honestly. They exchanged worried looks with each other looked as if they were going to throw up. The sound of a carriage below broke the silence and I strode to the window to look. A golden carriage with white horses. Adam.

"He sent for her." Ceecee said.

"He knows." Jesse agreed.

"How could he possibly know?" I said watching as my husband climbed out of the carriage. He turned and spoke to whomever accompanied him. He offered out his hand and a women climbed out. I could not see her face but she was dressed magnificently. She wore light blue robes and a large hat with a white feather. Even in the darkness I could tell her dresses were made by the palace dressmakers.

"He must know. Why else would he send for us?" Ceecee said.

"We'll take her home quickly before he gets here. I'll explain to him that she is very sick."

"It's too late. He's already here." I said and caught his gaze as he looked up at me. He stopped and lifted his hat to me, mocking me before bringing his mistress into my home.

I could not sleep that night or the next night. Adam had not made any command to see me yet through parties that lasted day and night, which I was required to attend. He told me he was celebrating a knew era, and those were the only words he said to me. For the first time in years he looked happy. As I changed out of a crimson silk dress a servant arrived and instructed me that His Majesty wished to speak with me. I snapped at my girls to dress me quickly and chose a plain green dress as me outfit of choice.

Halfway to Adam's chambers Jesse crossed my path. He looked nervous and afraid.

"What is it?" I asked.

"He summoned me." He wiped sweat from his face.

"He summoned me as well." I whispered and we stared at each other.

"He knows Susanna."

"He might not." I swallowed the bile in my throat and continued on my way.

"What are we going to do? She'll be killed."

"She wont be killed because he doesn't know." I took a deep breath as his parlor doors appeared in the hallway. "Besides it would create too much of a scandal if he were to kill my bastard after I took in his." Jesse nodded but I could tell he wasn't listening. We announced ourselves to the doorman and he let us in.

The parlor was dark, apart from the roaring fire in the corner. There was a meal on the table, set for two people and it had been eaten already. We stood frozen in the room and listened to the rustling of bed sheets and the creaking of the bed as two people had sex. It was embarrassing and I could feel rage fill my cheeks. Jesse grabbed my arm as I stepped towards the door and shook his head. It would just be giving him what he wanted.

We stood at the door for ten minutes before Adam strode out in a red fur robe with his crown on crooked and a cup of wine in his hand. He stopped when he spotted us and smiled.

"So sorry. I would've been quicker if I knew you were waiting." He smirked into his cup. "Come and sit."

"Why did you summon us here?" I snapped. He didn't even flinch he poured himself some wine and motioned for the empty chairs.

"I said sit Susanna." Jesse touched my back and gently pushed me towards the chairs.

"Remember back in the days when the three of us would share wine and a meal and laugh about the future?" He said staring out the black window.

"Those days are long gone." Jesse said.

"Yes I suppose your right." Adam smirked. "You married my mistress."

"And you married the woman I loved." He snapped. Adam blinked at him and then smirked.

"I would like to say the best man won but…look at her. No man won in this situation." He raised his cup to me and I was completely shocked. If I didn't hate this man I would've cried.

"Why have you summoned us?" I asked again. He looked into his dark and musty bedroom and nodded to whomever was in there.

"Beautiful daughter you have Jesse." He looked at him. "She's what, 16?" The sound of shuffling feet came out from the doorway and Margaret appeared, clothes torn, lips red and her eyes were dazed from some sort of concoction.

"Hello Daddy." She said and then fell to the floor.

"Looks like the best man won." Adam said.

"You bastard!" Jesse lunged across the table and grabbed Adam's throat. He punched him in the jaw and the two broke out into a fight. I raced to Margaret's side and scooped her into my arms. She was alright just a little disoriented and told me she had fallen asleep. I quickly assessed her body and noticed that even though her clothes were torn they were not torn in places that would be suitable for rape. Also there was no blood. So unless the girl was not a virgin she had not had sex.

"Jesse." I said holding the girl in my arms. He pushed Adam away and wiped his bloody lip. He bent down beside Margaret and touched her hair.

"I'll kill you Adam! I swear!"

"Now now. To threaten the king's life is treason. You could be hanged." Adam smirked as he wiped his bleeding eyebrow with a cloth.

"What have you done to her?"

"I've just shown her what you've been missing." Adam smirked again and I held Jesse's arm.

"She has not been touched." I reassured him. He panted heavily and stared at our daughter.

"How can you be certain?"

"No blood." I said quietly and he sighed. I placed her in his arms and he cradled her, wiping his own tears off her face.

"Why have you done this?" I said walking towards him.

"She's a beautiful young woman don't you think?"

"She's a child." I pushed him.

"I think it was her eyes. So green. So…mysterious. I was instantly attracted to them." He looked at me, the smile gone from his face. "It was the same set of eyes that attracted me to you." I blinked at him and felt the world spin.

"He knows." I said and grasped the chair beside me.

"Oh he knows alright. It was a lovely day when I first met Miss Margaret. I think she was about two, wasn't she Jess? I had been visiting to talk about the party for Albert when she came stumbling in and grabbed onto my leg. Those eyes were a dead giveaway. Without those eyes I wouldn't have thought anything of it. But then when she was ten and we through Anthony a birthday party I watched how she ran and talked to the other guests. Even her personality was like you. She was the daughter I had always imagine us having. It wasn't until she was 14 that I knew. After speaking to her and asking her date of birth it was confirmed. My beloved wife and most trusted friend had betrayed me in the happiest days of my life. They stolen my child away from me." I blinked at him and looked at Jesse. He looked at me confused.

"Why I wondered would the people I love the most want to steal my first born child away from me? Why would they place a bastard stillborn in my arms and tell me my son had died?" His gaze flicked to Jesse. "It's all about the revenge isn't it?"

"Revenge?" He looked past me and strode towards Jesse.

"You wanted revenge for me betraying you. Well my friend you got it." He stood up. "So I guess, in fact the best man did win. I stole your woman and you stole my baby!"

"Are you mad?" Jesse looked up with pure rage. "You sick fuck!"

"You think I would hurt my own daughter?" Adam said touching Margaret's cheek. "She's so beautiful." He stood up and sighed. "Don't worry Jesse. I'll take care of her as best as I can." He snapped his fingers and two guards appeared from the shadows.

"What is this?"

"Jesse De Silva, Duke of Norfolk, earl of Sussex and lord of Dover you are under arrested for kidnapping of the royal family and threatening the king." Adam said formally.

"You can't do this! You sick and evil bastard! Don't touch her! Don't lay one finger on her! She's my-" I jumped into action and placed a hand on Jesse's chest. I nodded to him and touched his face.

"It'll be ok. She's safe." I said.

"She's with him." he cried and I nodded.

"But she's safe." He sighed and blinked through the tears.

"I love you." He said. I kissed him gently. "I love you." I said and watched them cart him away.

"An interesting turn of events." Adam said when the doors were closed. "I had expected it to be harder but you are making this too easy."

"How could you drug our daughter?" I said rushing back to her side and trying to take her from him. He pulled her closer to his chest.

"How could you lie to me?"

"I…I didn't know." I said honestly.

"You weren't in love with me." He said without emotion.

"You weren't in love with me." He looked up at me and studied my face.

"I guess I wasn't. I wanted to but I just couldn't."

"So it was all a competition for you?" I said biting back tears.

"It was supposed to be fun." He sighed. "It ended up just being annoying."

"You took me from my home and made me into this. You did this to yourself and brought all of us down with you."

"I rescued you from that horrible shack."

"You took me away from the only place I knew. I never wanted to be queen. I wanted to live a normal happy life." A tear betrayed me and slid down my face. "You made me this way!" A smile slid over his face and I heard rustling from in the bedroom.

"Susanna McTavish, Queen of England. You are under arrest." I looked up at two guards who appeared in the same doorway.

"Arrest? For what?"

"For multiple charges."

"Name them?" Rage filled my chest as the two guards yanked me off the floor.

"Fraud."

"Fraud? You must be mad!"

"You lied to me about your heritage to be the queen." I stared at him shocked.

"You knew I was poor. It was your idea!" I shrieked and he shrugged his shoulders.

"It's my word against yours."

"I have witnesses."

"Bring them to your trial and they will be judged, but lets hope it's not your homosexual brother, David, or the war veteran who shot himself in the leg so he could come home. Or your slut of a sister who ran off with a bandit." I stared at him completely flabbergasted. Papa had died and the rest of my family would be in danger if they were dragged into this. I shook my head and stared at me daughter, sleeping in Adam's arms. "Would you like to hear your other charges?" I scowled at him. "You are also being charged with Adultery."

"Adultery? You've completely lost it." I shook my head. "Whom do you suppose I had sex with?"

"Well after countless hours of…questioning Alexander admitted to being a homosexual so he was out of the question. He sources collaborate with his story so he cannot be tried for treason. But don't worry he will be severely punished."  
"Alexander? You mad fool! He is a friend."

"Yes so I have heard. But Thaddeus Beaumont, or Tad as you may know him, was more than just a friend wasn't he?" I blanked. Tad. If he knew about Tad then he would know about the boys? I was afraid to speak. "You're silence does wonders for you Susanna." He smirked.

"How…what…No!" I said.

"Luckily for me, years ago you asked a favour of someone. You told her that you trusted her dearly and she was the only one fit for the job. I agree with you whole heartedly but she came in use to me in more ways that one." He strode to the door and held out his hand. A perfectly small hand grabbed onto his and she stepped into the light.

Dressed in my old lace, see through nightgown, with her blonde tousled hair and her bright blue eyes stood Elizabeth. My lady in waiting that Tad had "gotten rid of". I stood shocked.

"Elizabeth." She smirked at me and winked.

"You see Lady Elizabeth came to me one night, after Tad had refused to marry her and told me that he was in love with another. She confided with me that you were the one he loved and that our children were in fact his children. The only children I've ever loved her not even mine. Now you can understand how embarrassed I was and I sent the sobbing lying child away, causing her years of pain and abuse." He wrapped his arm around Elizabeth's shoulder and touched her cheek gently. "But then one day, while visiting Paul she stumbled onto my lap."

"Literally." She laughed into his eyes and made me want to vomit.

"Yes quite literally." He looked at her for a long time and then kissed her deeply. It was revolting. "Our passion was instantly rekindled and I realized that I had found the one. She was the one that I was missing. I had so hoped that it would be you but you failed me and all this time I was searching for her."

"My Your Highness. You are making me blush." She kissed him again. "You see he's too much of a man to see what you really are." She said turning towards me and walking slowly. "He doesn't see that you are a cruel and evil woman who schemes and plots to make herself look better." She stopped in front of me and smiled at me. Her body was perfect, no signs of age or childbirth on it. I could feel the two guards radiating with lust for her. It was pathetic. "You see it was my idea to bring Margaret to the Duke of Cornwall's castle. His Majesty had confided in me his concerns about the girl one day and I took it upon myself to investigate. After, which I hate admitting, becoming the duke's close confidant, I gave him the idea. Once I got to know the girl, taught her the ways of us Ladies-in-waiting I met with Adam and confirmed his fears. Since that day we have been coming up with plans to bring you down and give you the justice you deserve." She smiled and moved closer. She placed both hands on my face and brought her lips to mine, kissing me gently and making the guards quiver. "You see Your highness," She whispered into my ear. "You ruined my life and therefore I shall ruin yours." She stepped back and smiled.

"You'll always be a slut. If you think he's going to marry you then you're a fool." She gave a high pitch laugh as the doors closed behind me.

"Your Majesty?" a tiny voice came from the other side of the wooden prison door. I had locked away in the Tower of London in the Royal Lodgings. I was accompanied by 5 handmaidens, not chosen by me, and I was dressed in black garments given only a bible.

The door was opened and Regan appeared. I felt tears fall down my face as I collapsed at her feet. She picked me up and sat me on the bed.

"Oh Regan. I am so glad to see you! You don't know how horrible it is up here." I sobbed into her dress.

"Susanna I have news for you." She said her face was still and not happy.

"What is it?" She looked around and found a cup. She filled it with hot tea and passed it to me. "What Regan?"

"His majesty has dropped the charges of fraud."

"He has? That's good Regan that's good." I smiled but when she didn't smile with me I felt my stomach turn.

"He has dropped the charge of fraud but has laid a new charge." I waited, holding my breath. I knew what was coming. I could feel it. "He has charged you with High Treason."

"High Treason? How? He has no proof of this?" She bit her bottom lip and sighed. She brushed back the hair from my ear.

"Both Lady Elizabeth and Lady Ceecee have admitted to overhearing you and Lord Norfolk planning the kings death." I felt the cup slip from my hands at the sound of Ceecee's name. I watched it tumble from my lap and related my life to it. It starts off warm and beautiful. It comforts those who need it and soothes those that crave it. It's elegant and charming. But it's unreliable and turns cold by the second. Each taste is different from the first and it will never be as it once was for it is always changing.


	42. Be With the Ones You Love

**A/N: It's come to the end. Its a pretty quick ending I must say, but I blame that on the fact that I hate saying goodbyes. I hope you enjoyed reading it. For the most part I enjoyed writing it lol :D **

**-P**

* * *

The white cap on my head was starting to itch. My sweaty palms dangled at my sides. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as I took in all the faces below. Some cried and some were furious. Some shouted prayers and some shouted curses. One man threw a tomatoe at me, hitting me right in the stomach. He was ushered away. After all I was the queen of England and I had done wonders for this country. Without me the Orphanage wouldn't be running and the hospital would be a ruin. But as I stared death in the face I wasn't scared. I felt a strange sense of peace. Everything was taken care of and I had nothing to lose anymore.

The day earlier I had been praying in my room. That's all I did this past two weeks was pray. I prayed for my sons and my daughter. I wanted them to know each other, to live the way I had with my brothers. I knew Adam would treat them well. Whether he they were his or not he would treat them as his own. He had a reputation to keep. Already I had learned that Margaret was introduced to the Royal courts as the kings daughter and her story told with dramatic detail about the horrible betrayal and revenge of her father. Of course Ceecee was made out to be a poor and innocent by stander, who's life had been threatened if she did not kidnap the baby.

On the day of my trial my ladies dressed my in plan black silk and placed a lace veil over my face. I wore a thick gold cross around my neck and carried my black rosary beads. Regan told me that it was the outfit most likely to get the most sympathy, not that it mattered in the end.

I was lead slowly through the town to the castle. The people were silent and peaceful. One lady reached out and gave my hand a tight squeeze. They all knew their king and they all knew that I was the one who loved them. If only they had been the ones judging me.

The courts were draped in darkness. It was a sad day all around. It was as if my fate had already been decided for me and I felt the urge to just give up and go back to the tower to await my punishment.

The room was full of old men in black robes and each one stared at me as I walked past to the middle of the room. There was a small wooden chair, which I would sit on, directly in front of my husband, who was not yet present and the men I once called friends. They talked quietly amongst themselves and left me to sit and think about my sins.

"I told you not to trust him," a voice said from beside me. I jumped and turned to face Andrew sitting on the ground.

"Andrew?" He smiled and looked up at the guards around him. They stared at me curiously and I looked down at my skirts. "Why are you here?"

"I figured you'd want someone to hold your hand through this…ordeal." He reached out and touched my hand, sending a chill up my spine. "I hate seeing them do this to you. I would've kept you safe. I tried to keep you safe but I drank too much that evening and that De Silva man was too experienced with a weapon."

"Jesse? He killed you?" I glanced at him and heard the guard cough behind me.

"He was at the Hunting Horse and he was mighty drunk too. He didn't look like he wanted to fight and he kept apologizing to me. But he was persistent and challenged me. Even gave me a sword said I could keep it if I won. Most beautiful thing I had ever seen." His eyes glazed over as he thought of the sword. I stared at my 20-year-old husband and wished I could be young again. I would've appreciated him more. I felt horror sit in my stomach like a rock.

"Are you sure it was Jesse?" He snapped out of his trance and narrowed his eyes at me.

"I have been through everything with you. I've watched you cry of happiness and sadness. I know whom I speak. The man who you share a child with is the man that killed me." The great doors opened as Adam walked in and the guards had to hold me up, for my knees were too weak. "And now I get to watch the other man who betrayed you both, send you to your death." He sighed sadly. "But don't worry. I'm here for you." He whispered through the guard and I felt the man holding my arm shiver.

Adam stood at in front of his golden throne and lifted his nose at me. He nodded to the man standing close to him.

"That's the man who murdered me." Andrew whispered and I shook my head.

"That's not Jesse."

"He told me his name was Jesse." Andrew said with a frown. "He said he loved you and that I was in the way." I looked at Andrew's sad face and wanted to kiss his frowns away, like I had done for my sons.

"Susanna McTavish, Queen of England you are here to be tried for the charges of Adultery, High Treason and Fraud." His high voice brought me back to the present.

"The fraud charge was dropped." I said and everyone stared at me. Apparently it was rude to interrupt. Adam smirked.

"I wouldn't worry about whether it was dropped or not. It wont be the deciding factor." Andrew whispered. "Better to just stay quiet."

"Bring forth the first witness, Lady Regan Meducci." Regan shuffled in a side door and sat in a wooden box to Adam's right. She wore a gown three sizes to big for her and it was falling off her shoulders. Adam stood up and smoothed out his crimson robe.

"Lady Regan, how are you?"

"In good health Your Majesty." She said kissing the hand he offered.

"Explain to us why you think Her Majesty's charges of fraud should be dropped." Regan looked at me. Her eyes were red and tired, tears at the brim.

"Because she's not just a poor farm girl. She's my granddaughter." The courts erupted in noise. I stared at the woman who was my closest confidant with confusion. Was she going mad? She was getting fairly old but her mind was always sharp.

"Your granddaughter you say?" Adam said with a smirk. "How do you propose to prove this?"

"Well it's quite the story actually. You see when I was much younger; in my childbearing days I had three children, two boys and a girl. Well one day I had taken my daughter out for a walk and stopped under a tree."

"Is this going to be a long story Lady Regan? We don't have much time." He smirked at the court and she frowned at him. She looked at me and shook her head.

"Your mother was my daughter. The people who took her…they must've been farm hands of ours. After she went missing I did notice that a kitchen staff went missing but I never thought anything of it. After my husband fired everyone in a fit of rage I never had the chance to question anyone." I thought of my mother.

"How?" I asked and Adam scowled at me.

"I ask the questions." He snapped and the whole court went quiet. Andrew grasped my hand tightly and I bit my tongue.

"I know you are getting quite old Lady Regan but surely you do not imagine that I would believe this?"

"She has a birth mark on her shoulder." She took a deep breath, her hands clasped tightly on her lap. "A winged bird."

"So she has a mark. Many people do." He said sarcastically getting a few more sniggers from the crowd.

"My daughter had the same mark. And I have that same mark." She pulled down the shoulder of her dress and turned to the crowd. Adam blanked and shook his head.

"It's exactly like mine." I said more out of shock than anything else. Adam turned to me and scowled.

"I didn't know until the day of her wedding when I was putting her gown on. Since that moment I kept it a secret, knowing that it wasn't a secret that needed to come out. It would've done no good."

"Thank you Lady Regan you can go." She looked away from him and blinked.

"But she.."

"The charge of Fraud has been dropped. You are dismissed." Tears rolled down her face as she was ushered out of the box and away from me. The only piece of my mother I had left.

"Next witness, Lady Cecily Thompson." I wiped the tears from my face and watched as my best friend scurried into the box. She wore black in mourning of her husbands near death.

"Explain to the courts what you told us yesterday. Not of the kidnapping of the treason." Adam said more quietly. He touched her shoulder and she took a deep breath.

"Susanna, Jesse and I were once very close friends. We could tell each other everything." I snorted and looked away. She paused for a second and I heard her take a deep breath. "I feel horrible for betraying her trust, Your Highness."

"Of course you do. But your duty is to protect the King." He said sadly. His acting was perfect. "Please continue." He winked at me and my stomach turned.

"One night we were at the Black Bucket. At this point Susanna was just one of the staff, she had talked about wanting to be queen but had not made any movements towards it." My mouth fell open and I was completely flabbergasted. "We had always joked about becoming the queen and what we would change, what kind of parties we would throw. I never thought that one day…it would happen." She was lying and it was clear to everyone that this was a rehearsed speech. One that she was butchering by shaking, whispering and crying.

" We had been sitting around joking about the kingdom and the king, to my deepest regret. We were drinking ale and talking about the parties that were coming up. All of a sudden Jesse got into a right state and started talking, out of anger about how much better the country would be without the king. I didn't think anything of it and didn't want to think that my dearest friends would want to kill the king. It wasn't until the winter festival that I knew they were serious. When Susanna had been reunited with her daughter Jesse convinced her that the King was in the way and needed to be…taken care of." She looked down at her dress to avoid the horrified look on her face.

"She ventured up to one of the wings in the Vacation House and started a fire, in hopes that the King would be too drunk to get himself out. She and Jesse were the first ones to notify people that the house was on fire and they were the last ones to go and find the King to make sure he was safe."

"Who was the first one?" Adam asked staring at me.

"I was." She whispered and held her head up. The first woman to open her legs for him, but she was not the first one out of the building.

"Of course she was." I mumbled and shook my head.

"Something to say?" Adam smirked at me.

"You were not even in the building. I made sure that you were outside. I sent the children out with you." I spat at him. He stood up and narrowed his eyes.

"You admit to starting this fire though?" A voice came from the crowd and spotted Elizabeth. She smirked at me and I shook my head.

"Did you start the fire?" Adam asked, amusement on his lips.

"Yes." I said and the room filled with noise. "But it wasn't with intent to kill the king!"

"You murdered the Duke of Cornwall?" He looked shocked, actually shocked.

"He touched my daughter. I had to protect her innocence." He narrowed his eyes at me and then smiled.

"Which daughter do you speak of?"

"Addison."

"The daughter, which is not biologically yours? The daughter, which is in fact my bastard?"

"She has royal blood. Royal blood must be protected."

"A royal bastard does not take place of a Duke." He looked at his courts. "The charge for High Treason is dropped. But the charge for Murder is now laid." He stood in front of his chair as the crowd shouted again. "Susanna McTavish, Queen of England, you are found guilty by the courts and your King of committing murder of a royal. You will be beheaded as of dawn tomorrow. Do you have anything to say?" The room went eerily silent and Andrew nodded at me.

"Rot in hell you evil bastard!" I said and spit at him. The room erupted in shouts and curses as I was pushed through the doors and ushered into an iron cage. The cage bounced down the road as people watched sadly from the sidelines.

That night I never left my bedside. I prayed relentlessly. I listened to the shouts and the curses from the crowd below as dawn approached. I closed my eyes and felt tears burn them. My ladies dressed me but I do not remember. They walked me to the stand but I do not remember. They removed my coat but I do not remember.

"Any last words?" The massive executioner said. I looked out at all the faces and sighed.

"God help me." I whispered. "Pray for me! For I have done wrong and sinned against my king. Pray that the good I have done continues through my children. Watch over them and keep them safe as I have done for you." I looked at the people, tears in my eyes. "I love you and thank you for all you have taught me. To God…" I looked up dramatically. "I am in your hands."

I was bent down and my head placed on a wooden block. I closed my eyes and tried to block out the cheers and chants from the crowd. I took three deep breaths and listened as the executioner grunted with the weight of the axe. I opened my eyes and caught the glimpse of green eyes. My mother! I wanted to reach out to her. I wanted her to tell me it was going to be alright, to hold me like she did when I was a babe. It took two seconds for the axe to fall on my neck and then the world went black.

I awoke in my old bed. It was bright and warm I blinked at the white light coming from my window and thought maybe it was all a dream. I opened the door and crept downstairs. The fire crackled and a woman was singing in the kitchen. When I stepped into the room I almost cried.

"Good morning my darling." She said smiling at me.

"Momma?" I fell to the floor.

"Oh my poor darling." She came and sat in front of me. She brushed the hair from my face and smiled.

"I missed you." I said.

"I'm here now." She kissed my forehead. "You're safe now."

"But my children? My family? Who will take care of them?"

"We will." She said looking over her shoulder. Standing behind her was everyone I loved. Papa stood young and sprier than every. He smiled and waved to me. Then there was Spencer who held Timothy in his arms, both smiled at me as if I was gone forever. Andrew stood close behind him. Arms crossed and grinning as if he had brought home the prized boar from a hunting tournament. And last there was Jesse. He stood closest to Momma. His eyes were bright and he smiled at me before sighing. I stood up and went to him.

"I've always dreamed of being in your arms again." I said as he wrapped me in his embrace and bent his head to mine.

"It's been too long."


End file.
